#jack going from angry and lonely and just trying to survive to embracing a love of learning and settling into

[loving-jack-kelly]

davey jacobs in the "pleasure to have in class" to college dropout pipeline. davey jacobs realizing three semester into his bachelors that actually he doesn't like school and being good at something isn't enough reason to keep on going through it when it makes him miserable. davey jacobs finding more purpose in doing a job to get through the day and going home to pursue his passions after work without worrying about what they will get him.

also davey jacobs in a leather jacket on a motorcycle because I say so.

[ladyartemisia28]

Loop of Despair Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Silence

Summary:

Dean Winchester could not believe that his best friend, Castiel was confessing his feelings of love towards him.

But the message does settle in by the 4th or so time that he hears it.

15x18 time loop.

Word count:1253

Warnings:Major Character Death (repeatedly), Language, Suicide/Sacrifice.

~

Author's note:

Chapter Title is named after Silence- (Originally by Marshello, Khalid) the Illium Remix or the cover by Our Last Night.

Please enjoy....while you can.

~

Dean momentarily blacked out as his heart began to physically fail him. He found himself coming back to consciousnesses standing hunched over near the entrance to the room. Dean blinked with determination as he looked over to see Castiel finishing up painting a protective sigil on the door with his angelic blood.

The sight of Cas's blood now turned Dean's stomach.

He wipes his palms against his jeans to try and wipe the memory of his hands soaked with it. He could feel the echo of pain on his knees.

He wanted nothing more to rush over to the angel to embrace him and tell him how thankful he was that he was alive.

But that would not guarantee that he was survive this time loop. Dean was so tired, tired to the bone. But still he forced his body to move the demon circle near the chair and place his hands on the back of the chair for support.

“It worked” Dean prematurely answers Cas's question about the sigil.

'Maybe I've been doing this wrong....'

Dean took a shaky breath.

'Make it so leaving is painful. Then it CAN'T be his happiest moment!'

“There is something...” Cas begins working out his personal suicide mission.

'It's his happiest moment because just telling me how he feels, getting that secret out...that weight off his chest is what he thinks is the best he could get.'

He looks fondly over to Castiel, watching him speak.

'Just like him to settle for something. I treat him awful...I'

When Jack was dying, I...I made a deal” Cas returning his eyes to look at him once more. “To save him.”

'If we ever get out of this I'll do better'

'I have this. It's not like the first time... when I was an open mouthed moron. I have his words burned into my mind forever. Just reply this time.'

'Tell him'

The... the price was my life” Cas says his eyes beginning to water with feeling “When I experienced a moment of true happiness The Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever”

“Because the one thing I want is something I know I can't have.”

'This is your moment! Go on say something! Say something like, yes you can...or I want that too...Something!!!!'“

“I always wondered” Cas's face turned to look away for the briefest of moments before he quickly found the resolve to turn his gaze fully at Dean. “Ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like?”

“But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having...it's in just being it's in just saying it.”

'You are my happiness too Cas..... ….. Come on you Dumbass!?!? He's pouring his heart out to you! The bare minimum you can do is say it back!'

Cas has a brighter expression on his face as he takes a step forward towards Dean.

“I know, I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you.

'Damnit maybe I should quote something! What was that one from that Jane Austen movie that Jack had us watch “If I loved you less I could speak about it more”?....shit ...I can't say something like that...

Dean stares Cas unable to sort through everything that he could say in return.

“You're destructive, you're angry, You're Broken. You're Daddy's blunt instrument.”

'No Cas I am broken... you know who I am. But you love me anyway'

“You think that hate and anger that's what drives you, that's who you are.”

“I don't deserve you Cas.”

“It's not. And everyone who know so you sees it. Everything you have done the good and the bad you have done for Love.”

'You know what, fuck this!'

Dean harshly takes a hold of the lapels of the beige trench coat that Cas always wore.

Castiel's eyes widen momentarily bewildered as Dean shakes him roughly. Dean intensely looks into Cas's blue irises.

“Dean?”  

“Cas”  his voice shakes on the single syllable. His heart pounds hard in his chest.

Dean pulls him close.

Close enough that Dean can feel the exhale of Cas's breath,

He inhales that breath deeply.

He gazes down at Cas's lips and licks his own.

The silent moment felt like it was filled with the crescendo of music.

Over a decade of longing.

And crashes his mouth into Cas's.

Their lips touched, he finally got a life saving gulp of oxygen.  

They had been moving towards this moment since the Barn, sometimes they ran, some other times they crawled but they were always moving towards this moment.

Every time that Dean had thought about this moment paled in comparison. He didn't have the capability to imagine the world shifting into place due to the touching of lips.

   He let go of the coat and wipes the tear that had been lingering on Castiel's cheek since 'you've changed me'.  He slides his hands to cradle Cas's face. He was particularly finding the scruff beneath the palms of his hands very grounding.

He was finding it difficult to form fully coherent thought. But one full sentence shouted joyfully inside his mind.  

'I'm kissing Cas!'

   He felt Cas's hands grip onto both of his shoulders and pull away. Dean eye's still closed tries to follow the the retreating angel's lips. He is prevented in this action by a hand to his chest. He opens his jade colored eyes.

Cas expression looks so bright and relieved.

'Please! You can't be this happy to leave me!'

There was no doubt that THIS was Castiel's happiest moment.

'I'm a goddamed idiot. Of course this wouldn't break the cycle.'

His smile was truly the most beautiful thing that Dean had ever seen.  

'At least I got to finally kiss him.'

The Empty appears behind Dean and he doesn't even bother to turn to look. He can't bear to look away from Cas's face.

But with the culmination of their feelings for each other he also would have to suffer even more than he thought possible at the loss of Cas.

“NO! No Cas you can't abandon me!” Dean demands and then pleads as he clasps his hands together. “I'm begging here!”

“I...” Cas is choked up as he takes a shaky breath with a smile.

“I love you Dean Winchester.”

Dean moves to hold Cas tightly. He traps his arms beneath his own. Dean shakes as he fully cries.

It is not a single man tear falling lonely down his face. All of his tears have partners. There is never a moment of dryness on his face.

“And I love you Cas.”

The Empty surrounds them both.

“NO! No you can't have him!!!!” Dean yells at the primordial ooze.

“Goodbye, Dean.” He whispers into Dean's ear.

Dean tightens his iron hold.

He grinds his teeth together with the strand of his arms.

It is not enough.

The Empty wraps itself around him to hold him in place as it rips Castiel from Dean's arms.

As it releases Dean he falls to back onto his knees, his head falling down with defeat. He places his own hand on the bloody shoulder mark.

He is left with only the sounds of his own wailing as he waits for the loop to begin again.

~

(2).