#jay's nightmare does get pretty intense tho...

[rosiehunterwolf]

oh take me back to the start

Prompts: Comfort and 3am

Word Count: 4,612

Characters: Jay and Cole

Timeline: After season 6

Trigger Warnings: Nightmares, Blood, Mild Gore, Panic Attack, PTSD

Summary: The past should be left in the past. Or, at least, that’s what Jay keeps telling himself. Nadakhan is gone. It’s not logical to still be afraid. But he is, and now everything that he left behind suddenly feels like it’s never going to be the same again.

Cole isn’t so convinced.

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Jay couldn’t move.

Heavy shackles weighed down his feet, and his arms felt like they were made of concrete, even though they appeared to be completely normal otherwise.

What’s happening? Where am I?

Everything around him was dark, so, so dark. Powerful gusts of wind whooshed past, threatening to knock him over, and he tried to lift his hands to shield his face. They still felt so heavy, so wrong, but slowly, slowly, he was able to move them.

He glanced up, but there was no moon, no stars. The night was utterly black.

“Hello?” he called, his voice sounding odd and detached. “Is anyone there?”

The wind whipped away his words, and he gritted his teeth. How did I get here? I don’t remember leaving the Bounty.

“Jay!”

Jay’s head whipped up at the shrill cry. He would know that voice anywhere.

Nya.

No, Nya, no, Nya, no-

Jay tried to jerk towards the sound, but he still couldn’t move. The chains were still there, only curling around his ankles tighter each time he tried to yank away. “Nya! Nya, I’m coming, Nya!”

With a gasp, he suddenly broke free, almost falling to the ground from the sudden release of tension. Not wasting a second, he darted off towards Nya’s voice, stumbling blindly through the dark but desperate to get to her. The wind wrapped around him, pushing in on him and making it hard to breathe.

“Nya!” he screamed, stopping to look around. “Where are you?”

Suddenly, a small orange light appeared in the distance. Jay gasped and started running towards it. He had to go there. She was there, he could feel it.

As he got closer, things began to get lighter- he could make out shadows forming in the corners of his vision, reaching, curling towards him. He forced his gaze forward and ran faster.

He could see something now, two shadowy figures. Green tinted the corners of his vision, slowly spreading forward until his whole world was a shade of sickly lime. He shook his head, but it did nothing to help.

Suddenly, he was there, the figures mere feet from him. One was lying on the ground, a bloodcurdling scream coming from her mouth.

“Nya!” he yelped, but suddenly the other figure was in front of him. A tall, orange-skinned man stood in front of him, long dark hair unfurling from his topknot, a malicious sneer on his face, a dark amber mist curling where his legs should’ve been.

Jay’s heart stopped.

Nadakhan.

Jay screamed, stumbling backward, and the djinn laughed, turning back towards Nya. Grabbing her hair, he roughly yanked her towards him.

“Jay!” Nya shrieked. Jay lurched towards them, but there was suddenly a stabbing pain in his left eye and he stumbled to the ground, watching helplessly as Nadakhan raised the Djinn Blade over her head.

“Leave her alone!” Jay cried, but his voice was dry and cracked. Suddenly, the blade was plunging towards her. Jay didn’t know if his scream or Nya’s was louder as the weapon cut through her chest, and suddenly blood was spewing everywhere, seeping across her dress, into his clothes, dripping through his fingers-

Jay screamed, lurching forward and grabbing her hand. He didn’t know where Nadakhan had gone- the djinn had seemed to vanish into thin air- but he didn’t care. His mind was only on Nya.

A gaping wound stretched across her chest, her delicate, soft flesh torn and soaked in red. He screamed again, pressing his hands over it, but only more blood came, and more, and more-

His hands were dripping red, and he pulled back, sobbing. It was his fault; it was all his fault; he had done this-

“Jay,” Nya whispered hoarsely, and he stopped immediately, bending close to hear her.

“Why… why would you do this… to me… to us… how could you let this happen? How could… how could you fail the one person who always believed in you?”

“I’m so sorry, Nya,” he wailed. “I let you down, because of me- because of me, you’re-”

Nya coughed, blood gurgling at her lips, and suddenly the oozing blood was shifting from red to a bright, nauseating green.

Jay jerked back. Tiger Widow venom.

Oh no, oh no, it was all over him, he was going to die, just like Nya.

He stood up sharply, but his legs were shaky, and suddenly he was falling, falling into nothingness, Nya’s rasping breaths echoing into his ears, each one further and further apart until there was nothing.

---

Jay jerked upright in his bed, stuffing his blanket in his mouth so fiercely he almost choked, muffling his screams as he buried his face in his legs, gulping back sobs and begging himself to be quiet, before he woke the others.

One, two, three, four-

It wasn’t working. Jay’s brain felt like it was going to explode. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Nya, soaked in blood, her lifeless eyes staring up at him, and it was all his fault-

Jay practically launched himself from the bed, just barely managing to avoid falling down the ladder as he stumbled out the door of their shared bedroom.

He just barely made it to the bathroom in time, lurching over to the toilet and throwing up. Woozy, he pulled back, panting, and curled into a ball, rocking himself gently.

It was fine; it was fine; it was just a dream. Nadakhan wasn’t here anymore- he hadn’t- Jay had erased the timeline, that hadn’t even happened anymore-

But the memories were still there. It had happened to him; it was still very real to him, why couldn’t he have forgotten everything like the others?

He was trembling now, trembling hard, why were his fingers red, Nya’s blood was still on his hands, why was that still there, it had just been a dream-

Hallucinating. He was hallucinating, the blood wasn’t there. That… that wasn’t good. He had never had an attack this bad before.

He knew he should go get Nya. Ever since everything had happened with Nadakhan, she had been the only other one to remember, the only other one he could talk to, who knew what he was feeling and could comfort him on the hard nights.

But he had come to her late almost every night for the last couple of weeks since he had defeated Nadakhan. He knew Nya was struggling, too- heck, she had it worse; she had been the one who was actually dying, and the dark circles under her eyes hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jay. He knew she had been sleeping horribly. She deserved one night without him pestering her.

He hugged himself tighter, trying to imagine his own hands as Nya’s, trying to slow his breathing.

Just stop, just stop, just stop, just work- Jay, you idiot, you can’t do anything right, you’re so pathetic, this is all your fault-

“Jay?”

A voice cut through his panic, and he jerked his head up, hitting it against the bathroom cabinet and groaning.

A gentle hand on his arm. “C’mon, let’s get you outta here.”

No. Jay’s brain plunged into protest, tugging away from the unfamiliar contact. No, no, no- “Get away from me!”

The blood was back now, (had it ever really gone?), but it wasn’t Nya’s, it was his, his wrists slit and blood streaming out, concealing the dark, purpling bruises. Nadakhan had beat him again, and now his eye was hurting again, why did it hurt so bad, why couldn’t he see-

“Jay! Jay, breathe, it’s just me. You’re okay. You’re safe. Everyone’s safe. It’s going to be okay.”

His brain faintly registered Cole, and as he reached for his hand, it went right through it. Cole grimaced, gritting his teeth, and Jay tried again. This time, his hand felt warm and firm. Cole pulled him to his feet, and Jay leaned against him, trying to focus on his solid presence, to steady himself.

“Did you skip your meds again, Jay?” Cole asked, reaching into the medicine cabinet and pulling a few bottles out.

Jay blinked, trying to clear the fug from his brain. “I… what? I don’t…”

“Take a deep breath, Jay. Jay- Jay, look at me.”

Jay forced himself to meet his gaze. Cole’s deep brown eyes were soft, comforting, strong. Jay felt himself exhale, slow and long, the first proper breath in minutes. It felt good.

“No,” he murmured, “I didn’t take them. I forgot.”

“Okay, I’ll get them for you on the way there. Right now, you need to get out.”

Jay blinked, letting Cole lead him out of the bathroom. His mind still felt slow. “On the way where?”

“I dunno. But we’re just going out, taking a little car ride. The fresh air will help you.”

“O-okay,” Jay murmured, and suddenly they were outside, cool air gracing his too-warm skin. He let out a shaky breath. Cole was right, already he was feeling a little better.

The Bounty had been stationed near one of their smaller bases that night, but luckily this one housed one of the few normal vehicles they owned- riding around on the Earth Driller or Cole’s elemental dragon didn’t seem like the best option if they wanted to avoid attention.

The two of them climbed into the car, Cole in the driver’s side and Jay in the passenger’s. Cole distributed Jay some of his pills, which he took, and they set off.

Jay leaned his face against the window, the cool glass feeling good on his skin. Cole had the windows cracked too, so a fresh breeze filled the car. He watched the dark shapes flick past the window, mostly trees, but the occasional house as well, which got more frequent as they neared the city. He caught a flash of Nya’s lifeless body in the reflection of the window, and he bit his lip, deciding to count the houses as a distraction.

“So,” Cole said after a while, breaking the long silence. “What do you want to eat?”

Jay turned away from the window, blinking at him. “What?”

“A little food in my stomach always helps me when I’ve had a… rough night.”

Despite himself, Jay felt a mischievous grin spread across his lips. “You’re always thinking about food.”

Cole grunted, taking a hand off the steering wheel to shove him gently in the shoulder. “Shut up.”

After a moment, Jay asked, “Can we go to that little shack on the corner of the city that sells those really good hand-spun milkshakes?”

“I don’t think they’re open right now, bud.”

“Oh.” There was silence, then, “What time is it?”

Cole pressed his lips together. “3 am.”

Jay was quiet. It’s that late? Ugh, I am such a horrible friend. Why would I bother him with all my issues at this time of night? He should be in bed sleeping, like everyone else.

“What about McDonald’s?” Cole’s suggestion interrupted his thoughts. “They’re open all night.”

Jay scoffed. “McDonald’s? The milkshakes there are laughable at best.”

“Yeah, but at this time of night they’re really our only option.”

He sighed. “McDonald’s it is, then.”

Less than ten minutes later, they were pulling into the parking lot, the big ‘M’ sign, which was glowing a harsh yellow color, flickering slightly, giving off an almost eerie vibe. At this time of night, the parking lot was barren except for two cars, likely owned by the employees, which didn’t exactly help that feeling.

“You comin’?” Cole asked, and Jay blinked, realizing Cole was already out of the car, holding open the door for him. Cole extended a hand out and helped him up- Jay was still a little woozy from the meds- and they headed inside.

The little bell that rang as they pushed open the door sounded louder than usual in the emptiness of the building. The only person in sight was an exhausted-looking cashier who glanced up at them with a skeptical expression. Her gaze lingered a little longer on Cole’s ghostly form, but either she recognized him or was too tired to care, because she didn’t question them.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I help you,” she mumbled in the driest, most monotone voice Jay had ever heard.

They ordered, waited for their food, then took a seat near the corner. Jay nibbled on a couple of fries. Cole was trying to look busy with some chicken nuggets, but Jay could feel the earth ninja’s gaze on him. He swallowed, the food suddenly seeming to stick in his throat.

“Man, I haven’t eaten these things in ages,” Cole said suddenly, glancing down at his nuggets. “I must’ve been like, nine, the last time I got a Happy Meal.”

Jay bristled. “I didn’t order a Happy Meal! This is just a regular fries and nuggets meal.”

“But it’s the exact same thing that’s in the Happy Meal, minus the toy. They just don’t call it that because it’s embarrassing if you’re not a little kid. It’s basically just a big boy Happy Meal. Hey, look at that, Jay, you graduated. We should celebrate. Maybe with this big kid Happy Meal?”

“I’ll have you know I haven’t ordered a Happy Meal since I was ten.”

Cole crossed his arms, gesturing up with his fingers.

“Okay, so maybe twelve. But no later than that! Stop making assumptions about me!”

Cole snorted. “Whatever makes you happy, dude.”

“Hey, before you continue to joke about my weird habits, can we discuss the fact that you’re a ghost and you still eat McDonald’s?”

“Hey, just because I don’t need food doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste good. And I’m also doing it as moral support for you.”

“Har har.”

“Jay, I’m serious!” Cole’s teasing expression suddenly grew somber. “What happened to you back there? I haven’t seen you like that since- well, ever. You really scared me, Jay.”

Jay ducked his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, that just makes this worse! I’m not reprimanding you for anything, I’m just worried and want to help you. I’m your best friend, Jay. You can tell me anything.”

Jay wrung his hands together. “I’m not so sure I can, Cole.” His friend opened his mouth to protest, but Jay held up his hand, stopping him. “Oh, I know you want me to. But it’s not that simple.” Softer, he added, “It’s more complicated than you will ever know.”

“Maybe, but sometimes sharing your burdens with someone helps a lot more than you think it will.”

Jay bit his lip. He couldn’t tell Cole about Nadakhan. He couldn’t. Part of him wanted to, but… he didn’t want to relive those memories again. He wanted to leave them as far in the past as they could possibly get.

Besides, there was no way he could know. His memories of the event, like everyone else’s, had been stripped when Jay had made his last wish. Jay could recount the story to him, but it would always be just that- a story. He didn’t doubt that Cole would believe him, but it wouldn’t be the same. Cole still wouldn’t have actually experienced Nadakhan- felt the creeping dread when the accursed djinn caught you alone, the aching in his bones from the long hours aboard the Misfortune’s Keep, or the numbing horror of watching Nya die in his arms.

But Cole was right. This time had been bad. And even though Nya was the only one who truly understood, it wasn’t fair to burden her with all that. He needed help, and Cole was offering it.

“I had a nightmare,” he sighed.

“Again?” Cole frowned, concern flashing in his eyes. “That seems to be happening a lot recently.”

“You knew it happened before?”

“I’m a ghost, not exactly a heavy sleeper. There’s a reason I found you tonight, y’know. I didn’t just decide to wander into the bathroom in the middle of the night because I felt like it.”

“Oh. You didn’t… you didn’t say anything? You didn’t tell the others?”

Cole shook his head. “I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, nightmares aren’t exactly a rare occurrence with our group, and it wasn’t exactly that long ago since Morro. Kai was having nightmares for months afterwards, and if I’m being honest, I think he still is. I myself have been having some… interesting dreams. It didn’t seem that improbable for you to be having them, too. But this…” Cole’s eyes flashed. “I hardly recognized you, Jay. I know you said you didn’t take your meds, but that was no ordinary nightmare.”

“No,” Jay shifted. “I just… I was alone,” he blurted. “It was so dark, and none of you guys were there, and Nya- Nya was…” He stopped, choking on a sob. His heart was racing. “It was all my fault-”

“Hey,” Cole murmured, getting up and sliding in behind him, wrapping a hand around his shoulders. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“It’s fine.” Jay wiped at his eyes. “I’ve already caused you so much trouble, bringing you out all this way so early in the morning-”

“Hey, I won’t have any of that.” Cole turned Jay’s shoulder so that they were looking each other in the eyes. “I’m your best friend, Jay. That’s what I’m here for. You’ve always been there for me, no matter how inconvenient. I’m just returning the favor.”

But I lied to you. I let my own selfish desires get in the way of everyone’s safety, and I was a disloyal friend. Jay bit back the response. Cole didn’t know about any of that. In his mind, it had never happened.

But for Jay, it had, and he wasn’t about to forget it.

He wasn’t good enough for Cole.

“Ugh, what are these, they’re all crispy.”

It took Jay a moment to register that Cole had spoken, and he swiveled his head towards his friend. “What?”

“Your fries.” Cole held up a fry. “They’re overcooked.”

“That’s the best way to have them,” Jay insisted, grabbing one and crunching it loudly between his teeth. “What, you like yours all soft and mushy?”

“They’re not mushy, they’re rich and fluffy. You’re just eating burnt potato skin.”

“The crunch is part of the experience! It gives them the extra little flair they need.”

“If you want crunchy, why don’t you get chips instead?”

“Are you kidding? This is completely different!”

“Okay, then what about these?” Cole leaned forward, tilting up the carton so that the last handful of fries slid out onto the napkin. They were a dark, brownish-black color, with only hints of gold peeking through. “Tell me how delicious those are.”

Jay winced. “Okay, well, there’s a fine line between a good, crispy fry and a burnt one. What did they do, set them on fire?”

Cole shook his head, grinning. “Did you see how dead-on-her-feet that cashier looked? It wouldn’t surprise me if the kitchen staff looked similar.”

Jay snorted. “I hope not, or this place will be burnt down before the end of the week.”

“We should’ve gone deeper into the city. The night shift workers there would’ve been more capable.”

“We should get a refund on these.”

“Well, you’ll be the one asking.”

“Why?”

“I’m a ghost, moron- did you see the way she looked at me earlier?”

“Yeah, well, we’re also famous ninja. How do you know that wasn’t why she was staring at you?”

“Trust me, it’s always the ghost thing. It’s way more noticeable. Besides, they didn’t look at you, and you’re just as much one of the ninja as I am.”

Jay shrugged, glancing down at himself- he was wearing his worn blue pajamas with the lightning bolts on them, with only an old sweatshirt pulled over his shoulders. He could feel how messy his auburn curls were and knew that the dark circles he had seen under his eyes every time he looked in the mirror over the last few days hadn’t gone away. “I don’t exactly look like myself.”

Cole’s smile faltered slightly, and he squeezed his shoulder tighter. “Jay-”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Pushing away from Cole, he stood up. “Can we go home now?”

Cole gazed at him sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just tired. I don’t want to be here anymore. Besides,” he added in a whisper, “we’re starting to get some weird looks from the staff.”

Cole subtly glanced over his shoulder, smirking as he caught sight of the cashier and another staff member who had come out front, murmuring to each other as they stared at Cole and Jay.

“Okay,” Cole breathed, “Let’s go. I suppose we’ve been here a while, anyway.”

The car ride back was quiet, with no other cars on the road to be seen. Even with the slight uneasiness between him and Cole, Jay was feeling a lot better than he had before they had left the Bounty. He still swore he could catch glimpses of red when he glanced down at his hands, but at least he had been able to rid the image of Nya’s lifeless eyes from his mind.

Cole always knew what to do to make things better.

Suddenly, his friend pulled over into a small, empty parking lot. Jay glanced at him questioningly. They were nowhere near the Bounty. “What are you doing?”

“Wait here.” Cole got out of the car and darted towards the small building that the parking lot belonged to. Upon a closer look, Jay realized it was the milkshake shack he had been asking Cole about earlier. A few minutes later, Cole emerged again, jogging towards the car with two cups in hand.

Jay cocked his head at him. “I thought you said they would be closed.”

“They are. But I was able to negotiate.” The earth ninja shot him a wink, and Jay didn’t even want to begin to think about what that meant.

“Did you get-”

Cole shoved a cup into his hands. “Strawberry, yeah. You psychopath.”

“It’s the best kind!”

Cole scoffed, holding up his drink. “Beats chocolate? Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Jay laughed- a real, genuine laugh. It felt good. He couldn’t remember the last time he had done that- probably not since before Nadakhan.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Cole smiling. Jay realized that this had been part of his plan, to get them bickering again so that Jay would be distracted from his nightmare. Deep down, he knew Cole wanted him to talk about it, but when he had decided against that, Cole had accepted it and adapted accordingly.

As they pulled out of the parking lot, Jay felt like he wanted to cry. What did I do to deserve a friend like Cole?

Jay’s life may have had its struggles, but one thing he had gotten really lucky in was the friend department.

The rest of the car ride was much less quiet, instead filled with teasing banter between him and Cole, and Jay felt better than he had in weeks.

By the time they made it back to the Bounty, it was a little past five in the morning. Jay rubbed at his eyes. He was tired, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to go back to sleep. Cole’s distractions had helped a lot, and he was scared of closing his eyes again and finding the memories flooding back.

Cole seemed to pick up on his train of thought. “Are you gonna be okay? Do you want to try going back to bed, or do you want to do something else?”

Jay eyed him uneasily. “But you-”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll have all the time in the world to sleep later. This is about you. Wanna play Fist to Face?”

Jay shook his head. “I don’t have the energy for video games right now. Should I try going to sleep?”

“If you’re comfortable with it, yeah.” Cole shot him a sympathetic glance. “You look exhausted.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jay fiddled with his thumbs. “I’m scared to sleep, though.”

Cole smiled sadly at him. “Let me make you some hot chocolate, and then I’ll stay with you for tonight. Would that help?”

“Cole, you don’t have to do this.”

“No, but I want to. That’s what friends are for, sparky. You’d do the same for me in a heartbeat.”

“Thanks, Cole.”

A shuffling of footsteps interrupted them. “You guys okay?”

Jay turned, sucking in his breath.

She was here. She was safe and sound and alive. Although she looked drowsy and was sporting similar eye bags as Jay, there was the familiar spark in her eye and the gracefulness of her movements that was such a stark contrast to the limp body he had seen in his dream that he wanted to cry.

Cole started. “Nya! Sorry, did we wake you?”

She shook her head. “I was already awake. Couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know you left.”

“We just took a little outing,” Cole said. “We couldn’t get to sleep, either.”

Nya’s gaze melted as it turned on Jay. Her eyes showed everything words couldn’t- all the pain, the exhaustion, the sympathy, and the understanding. It was all a little too much for Jay, and suddenly, he was launching himself into her arms. She returned his embrace just as fiercely, clenching and unclenching the fabric of his shirt in her fists.

“I’ll be back,” Cole murmured, leaving them alone.

For a while, they just stood there, holding each other. Jay took a deep breath, inhaling the faint scent of cinnamon and grease that always seemed to linger in her clothes.

“How bad was it this time?”

Jay was silent for a moment. “Bad. Really bad. But Cole helped me. I’m better now.”

“Did you tell him? About… what happened?”

“No, but he knows something’s up. He’s not prying, but I think he’s getting pretty worried about me.”

“I’m getting worried about you, too. You can always come and talk to me, y’know.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“I wouldn’t have minded.” She reached her hand up to his face and tucked his hair behind his ear. Jay bit his lip as tears started streaming silently down his face. Nya’s deep brown eyes softened, and she leaned forward on her toes, pressing her lips against his. They leaned together, and Jay felt his tears mingling with hers.

Jay didn’t know how long they stood there, but eventually they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Jay pulled back from Nya, turning to see Cole, two mugs of hot chocolate in hand. His cheeks were flushed at having caught them kissing, but his expression quickly faded to a frown when he caught sight of their tear-stained cheeks.

“Guys, what’s going on? Is there something you two aren’t telling me?”

Jay and Nya exchanged a glance.

“Cole…” Nya walked up to him and took the mug from his hand, placing her other hand over his. “Jay and I are still trying to work some things out right now. I promise you’ll be the first one we tell, when we’re ready. But until then, you have to be patient with us.”

Jay took the other mug from him, taking a long sip from it, and Cole watched him carefully. “Okay, I can do that. I just want to help you, though. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Jay and Nya looked at each other. Nya gave him a small smile, and they intertwined their fingers.

“We will be.”

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#2)

\haha yeah I was totally planning on sleeping but I literally cannot think about anything else other than getting this idea out of my brain. so, we will try to get through the finale of s2: Love Hurts. please enjoy.

-okay so right off the bat before even starting the episode, i noted a few things. the episode description is “Robin experiences complications and a new face arrives at the hospital.” How fucking annoying that it’s the season finale and the entire episode is centered around connor? of course, at this point we don’t know that the ‘new face’ is his future love interest.

-also!!! the fact that ava is mentioned in the episode description of the season finale? That’s huge!

-the episode description makes it sound like nothing fucking happens in this episode.

-also i am extremely scared to start the ep bc i feel like it is going to through me straight back into the deep end and put me in a state of emotional shock.

-i will try to take very deep breaths before the episode starts. okay. here we go.

-does this episode open with robin being carted in on the ambo bc if this is the ep im thinking about, i remember appreciating how angsty this scene was

-i still remember charles yelling ‘2 of adavan!’

-okay hi sarah i really was not expecting to see you this soon

-oh wow. just. sarah calling shots in the ed. in control. you love to see it. also. im just now remembering how early in the ep we get to meet ava. i always remembered it as being at the very end but. i remember connor being distraught with his messy hair.

-also i’m highkey loving how out-of-control connor is rn

-reese. god i missed you so much.

-they counted again. love that.

-okay but like i have no analysis just every time sarah’s onscreen i just want to say ‘i love you’

- i have not heard sarah speak in a HOT SEC and god i forgot how deep her voice was and it is sending me (its not even that deep i just like, forgot.) It has been years and I honestly think i have forgotten who sarah really was. sad.

-like i don’t remember the last time i could describe her as in control but right now treating robin she’s calm (honestly bc she’s the only other shrink on the show, but HOLD ON WAIT DOESNT CHARLES GET SHOT AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE WHAT THE FUCK. reese has one moment. and then her and charles start bickering. i remember why i was so mad)

-i’m in love with her.

-i really have to sit through the next 40 mins of this and just everytime i see sarah going ‘i love her,’ and now you do too.

-oh my god CHARLES SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU CANNOT BLAME CONNOR FOR THIS

-also the reason i became disillusioned: dr charles just started being suuuuuper sus.

-i do love sarah. and honestly, connor, not my favorite, but this storyline really made me empathize with him. his girlfriend is having a psychotic break and people keep shitting on him. (maybe the reason i didn’t like ava at first. really kicked him while he was down)

-I... haha. sarah. hnghhh. you can guess the rest.

-if you were in this situation, with robin, would you be thinking like connor or would you be thinking like charles? personally- connor. Robin was fine. maybe a little impulsive to take her home, but charles was being suuuper overprotective (from what I remember).

-Charles: “This is on you. You did this.” I remember that line hitting really hard when I watched it the first time lmao damn.

-SARAH. HER EYES ARE RED. SHE’S SAD. SHE’S CRYING! COME ONNNN MEDDD YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!!! (and I swallowed my water the wrong way which somehow triggered my gag reflex so now im crying too please god stop Im sorry what did I do)

-yay sarah. hey guys look at that. sarah gets to, like, do her job.

-ALSO I JUST REALIZED THAT S3 STILL SUCKS FOR SARAH BC OF HER INTENSE INTENSE PTSD??? LIKE SHE WHOLE ASS PEPPERSPRAYS HER PATIENT???

-also these are the clothes charles got shot in and honestly i’m not even mad. I’m mad that him getting shot put sarah through so much pain (i talked a lot about ava but y’all are really gonna see just how protective i am of sarah. like god even I forgot.)

-you can see how much sarah cares about connor. which is like, fantastically crazy. (it fuels the rheese shippers which is why i tend to be against it) but just like, that’s just how sarah is. she cares so much. she’s not even close to connor, but you can see how much she cares. this is why its so unfair for sarah to work in psych. like, she’s way too soft for that come on man. (y’all remember the huge car crash episode and at the end she tells ethan that it was nice to be back in the ed bc you can fix people’s bodies but not their minds? 1) she was adorable in that. 2) i am so scared for her. she just cares too much)

-okay but the above bullet is probably the exact reason why people ended up shipping ava and sarah. they both are characters who care way more than they let on. sarah is the only one in the hospital who would probably give ava a second chance after an icy first encounter. That being said, being realistic? ava is probably the only one who would she the bullshit that sarah has to go through everyday, so she would never have the icy first encounter. which in turn sets sarah’s empathy bells off or whatever.

-honestly? ava is a mean to people because she thinks they deserve it. that’s it. she’s not a bitch or anything like that (and yeah, ava stans do a little bit of overlooking her behavior bc hey if a careless med student bumps into her while passing by, thats on them). (and of course, in this world and in reesker minds, sarah has never done anything wrong, ever.)

-look guys, i did it. i boiled reesker down to its bare essentials! (lmao tho literally walking through it again from almost a totally fresh perspective, it is still so easy to see how they would have been great together.)

-also. uh. not to pile on the reesker but. ----- connor just got paged by latham. is-is it happening?

-refusing to go home and sleep because the person you care most about is lying in a hospital bed is such classic angst oh my god

-wtf? charles has meds i completely forgot? for his heart? when is he gonna get shot the suspense is killing me.

-ALSO. YOU ARE TELLING ME. THAT S3 SARAH HAD TO DEAL WITH PTSD AND A POSSIBLE PATIENT LAWSUIT. AT THE SAME TIME HER FATHER WAS BEING SUSPECTED OF MURDER, AT THE SAME TIME HE TRIED TO RECONNECT. it is a fucking crime that that is the season we have to rewatch. its a crime they abused her so much.

-waiting for charles to keel over and die like

-the worst thing is that like, he actually cares. he actually truly cares about sarah, he just did a lot of bad things. so sarah has to justify them all! and sarah had no idea how to feel because now she’s disillusioned again. please chill

-lmao stoll wow 

-oh. soft sweet boy noah. he really doesn’t know better, and that’s almost the worst thing.

-also. dr. shore. that’s really all i have to say about that.

-ohhhhh my god nat fucking chill

-what is it with couples on mad and not being allowed to be happy. (this could be about reesker if you, like, reallyyyy squint)

-aw! hey, look! it’s jay! he’s nice to look at too. ooh i also forgot how deep his voice was lol

-counting

- i honestly forgot what a good source of angst this show was. this guys parents are flying in from germany to go to his graduation and then he got hit by a car??? damn

- i still forget how much i like the cop/doctor brother duo. I love it.

-GUYSSS

-GUYSSS ITS HAPPENING

-the air literally left my lungs I am not ready.

-ITS FUCKING

-oh my god

-it is 3 am and I just screamed out loud holy shit

-I FORGOT I FUCKING FORGOT. IT DOESNT HAPPEN WITH HER IN CASUAL CLOTHES. THAT IS AT THE END. I FORGOT THEY INTERACT WITH HER IN SCRUBS

- I FORGOT I FUCKING FORGOT

--holy shit she is fucking stunning. she was just allowed to be like that? in her first introduction? while connor looks like complete shit? IMAGINE THE POWER SHE HAS HOLY SHIT. THIS IS THE GREATEST POWER MOVE IVE EVER SEEN.

-uh for those of you who are confused, ava bekker has entered the scene and holy. shit. is she fucking amazing. and she hasn’t even said a word yet. all she did was turn

-H E R P O W E R

-uhhuufhuahdoas back to the analysis - latham reiterated all of the points we just discussed in the premiere, only goes to show how this was planned, from the start.

- t h e p o w e r ava has to step on the scene and instantly fuck things up. I ASPIRE

-okay let me try again to move forward. (nope. i tried to go back to the tab and just. the expression on her face. guys. i cannot express the emotions. we will press on)

-deep breaths

-she’s so pretty oh my god

-I-uh- okay listen. it is really, really, really hard to analyze this because i have not watched an actual scene or actually heard her talk in her very very pretty accent in two years. I, uh, i need a minute.

-i honestly cannot recall a thing she just said. (i am literally in fucking love) (i’m gonna go back and rewatch the scene and see what I pick up)

-THE----the fucking way she puts her hand back in her pocket

-GOD IM FUCKING GAY

-as for analysis - god that cheeky little smile.

-she’s blunt. is what took me about 75 words to say. this is gonna be a nightmare. (if i torture myself and make myself watch s4 and s5 then I’ll be really sad) (at this point can you imagine what would’ve happened if i had watched her death? I’m remembering exactly how crushed I was)

-OH. YEAH. IN CASE YOU FORGOT? THAT GIRL? THE SNARKY ONE? ON SCREEN RIGHT NOW? SHE’S. FUCKING. DEAD. CANONICALLY SHES DEAD. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

-like just that fact is sending me so hard. i am already so sad. I had like thirty seconds of elation. it’s not FUCKING FAIR

- i need another minute. AND SHE STILL HAS ANOTHER LINE.

-this doesn’t really pertain to the theory but the “loyal, that’s sweet” line has got to mean something. Like something to be said about how connor couldn’t commit to her in s4. (its just so fucking unfair that she’s dead but we really need to move on)

-this also means that ava isn’t entirely loyal? bc she’s looking down on connor for being loyal? I um really don’t have all the info to unpack All of that, but it should be noted.

-DID YOU CONNOR? DID YOU ENJOY WORKING TOGETHER???

-from ava stan perspective: @ connor you like made her life hell, which wasn’t your fault but still. uhh she’s the one that’s dead, you’re not, so obviously one of you enjoyed it a little more. let’s move on.

-i love her.

-haha oh man jack kelloggs back. FUCKING MERC HIS ASS (i don’t hate charles that much and this storyline gave me so much fucking anxiety throughout the ep)

-god jack kelloggs such an asshole

-OKAY BRUH ETHAN AND APRIL HAVE A THING THIS SEASON? jesus this show really moves

-there are a lot of things I could complain about.

-will: “Why’d she do that? Cut her hair. A woman makes a change like that, it’s a big deal.” S4 AVA WHAT DOES IT MEAN

-i can’t believe its the season finale and they have enough time for will to ask maggie why nat cut her hair. this show is the reason I have anxiety. charles is about to get shot and what are you doing

-oh. oh wow. noah and sarah bickering/noah flirting. it’s like, adorable. which i don’t think is really fair. just, sarah’s the best

-I- uh- can’t believe that was the first time I watched an ava scene in years? that was a really big step for me?? god wow.

-god remember how sarah just like, saved robin? yall remember that? REMEMBER WHEN SARAH COULD DO THINGS? there’s a reason i hated this show.

-okay but just like the fact that charles was - content with letting his daughter be holed up in a room for the foreseeable future? when sarah had a perfectly logical answer? who is he trying to undermine here? (and that is why i hate charles)

-sharon: “where’s the daniel who doesn’t give up? doesn’t your own daughter deserve that much?” kind of a reach but if charles really cares about sarah as much as he does, and sharon knows this, the double meaning here is almost impeccable.

-oh hey guys! ava’s back!

-okay this is like super nitpicky but at this point it feels like norma didn’t have the accent down packed and its a little exaggerated and awkward at times but, come on, still love her.

-Ava: “excuse me, you’re an emergency medicine resident, why are we even talking” AVA BEKKER REALLY TAKES NO SURVIVORS (the writers just really weren’t banking on the fans being that attracted to ava) (like i forgot how blunt she was and holy shit. wow. i kinda see where the haters were coming from. its amazing to see how we clawed her back tho [by we i mean the lesbians])

-analytical. That’s what ava is. It’s almost like that thing where people purposefully say something outlandish just to gauge people’s reaction. she doesn’t argue with connor, at least not now. she just looks between him and ethan, sees she’s outnumbered, and walks off. She doesn’t know how the place works yet. she’s testing the waters. - this could be why she slowly gets more and more confrontational as the series progresses. she sees that no matter what, everyone will be on connor’s side. she doesn’t fight a losing battle. but when you’re constantly losing, its frustration. (reminder, these things only hold true in s3. s4 doesn’t exist)

-I’m fucking?? where the hell did jeff go?

-also, oh, this is maggie’s storyline. the guy dies right but he wanted to propose to the girl? wait no that doesn’t seem right...

-yooo its the girl in the gorilla costume. certified iconic. also how the hell did they have enough time for all this crap in the finale. this show fucking moves.

-for like a split second i forgot that noah and april were siblings

-noah’s a sweetie

-oh hey look it’s ava

-knock knock. who’s there? oh boy, point one for ava stans, she’s right about the surgery (potential evidence showing how this is the first scene of connor not being shit/actually being out or equally matched)

-OKAY WOW SARAH GO OFF (she’’s just fantastic i mean look at her. she’s adorable)

-ava: “Why do all the residents in this hospital think they can offer their opinions?” DR BEKKER PLEASE (okay but like i said last ep i had the exact same question. go off ava)

-connor just took control of the case (first instance of ava outright saying ‘i disagree’) (and let me guess, he’s gonna be right in the end because he literally fucking always is)

-if you look at it from a different perspective, ava was necessary. they needed someone to put connor in his place. at least, she tried. (very disappointing that she also had to sleep with him but that’s not the current point) if they wanted to fix his problem of coming off as spoiled, ava gave him a force to fight against, to earn his stars. they could’ve done it better, and actually had him lose a few times. because what does constantly letting connor win do? it undermines ava, it also undermines his attending. his attending who he is constantly having to stick up for. dude. hero complex chill. ava never had a hero complex. which cannot be said for a lot of the people on the show (IF YOU EVEN TRY TO ARGUE THIS POINT IS WRONG I POINT YOU TO THE EPISODE WHERE AVA PUSHED THE CREDIT FOR THE SURGERY ONTO CONNOR WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER WAS HUGGING HER) they did it wrong. they tried to, idk, fix connor by giving him humility, but they kind of completely forgot the humility part. and the part where he learns things. HE EVEN HAS TO STAND UP FOR AVA TO HER OWN MENTOR. LITERALLY? DUDE? FUCKING. CHILL.

-okay but that’s what it is though. ava was always meant to be the villain. because she was always a counter for connor. and connor is the hero. (you may be thinking this goes against my theory because I’m fighting for ava rights, but my actual theory is that ava was never supposed to stay past s3. the only reason she stayed was because she became a fan favorite. she was supposed to take connor’s mayo clinic offer. and you know how it probably would have happened? Connor probably would have gave her the offer. letting him be the hero one last time. [of course, this isn’t what happened. we all know.])

-OKAY FUCK THIS RESIDENT? “good call, Dr. Rhodes” SHUT THE FUCK UP??? (resident speaking rights revoked)

-I have nothing for this but just want to point out how she looks around and says “yes” all contemplative. god if i could just think about what she was thinking

-jack bro stop

-okay. was there ever an active shooter in the hospital when ava was around. bc if there was. i legally need to know

-lmao stoll

-sarah... makes me smile.

-fun fact: we are at about the half way mark. I am so sorry.

-no no no nono. so, robin just got diagnosed and is getting prepped for surgery. Sarah. don’t give charles credit for solving it. stop.

-Hey! yall remember how the best characters on the show only got thirty seconds of onscreen time together? yeah! I’m still mad about it too!

-aww connor being worried. (i think im fine with connor as long as like, ava is no where near. this scene is just very pure)

-when is this guy gonna get shot already

-aww he loves her. i want to kill him. (why? playboy. gets feelings way too quick. stop him. keep him away from ava)

-HAHAHAH okay. robin just got put into surgery and latham and ava are performing it (is it a brain surgery? yes. are they ct surgeons? yes. don’t ask questions) BUT you can see this emotion on ava’s face. she feels sorry for him. it’s up for us to decide if its condescending or she just feels bad for or bc she is on a surgery he wanted, but for the sake of opinion, i’m inclined to say she just felt bad for him (cough empathy cough)

-literally everytime charles is on screen im like when is he gonna get shot

-this scene where both connor and charles admit they were wrong is very nice (hey actually look, connor does have humility! not in front of ava tho so hmm) (sexual tens- literally no, shut the fuck up)

-HAHA HOLY SHIT I FORGOT CONNORS MOM KILLED HERSELF?? HOLY SHIT? THIS FUCKING GUY LITERALLY CANT CATCH A BREAK (maybe take a hint bro? and go far far away? well he did. too little too late ig)

-connor: “i obviously couldn’t save my mom, but I sure as hell didn’t try to save robin” *through cupped hands* HEY! HEY CONNOR! D-DID YOU TRY? WITH AVA? DID YOU TRY? okay literally what is it with this guy and people dying. for such a good surgeon... oh yeah, irony.

-hi sarah! how nice of you to check in with connor and charles about robin!

-sarah: *looks between charles and connor, who have probably agreed on something for the first time since connor got with robin* “everything okay?” literally she’s so sweet my heart.

- sarah: *laughs in disbelief* SARAH STOP MY HEART IS ALREADY FULL

-this man needs to button the top button of his shirt, i do not like that i can see it

-I------ HOLY SHIT?

-WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING WARN ME THAT JOEY WAS STILL ON THE SHOW???

-FUCKING EXCUSE ME???

- the air left lungs on that one again, i was Not expecting that.

-HOLD THE FUCK ON. I JUST WENT OF HIS WIKI AND HE APPEARS IN S4??? FUCKING WHAT??? SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT HE FUCKING DID AND IF IT WAS IMPORTANT

-sarah reese is such a fucking dork she got her boyfriend a rubik’s cube as a gift?? a guy who is so nerdy that he definetly already has like five of them. hmm. things don’t add up. also he’s nerdy enough to give back a gift at the breakup. dude seriously. get some social cues. in like the bargin bin at goodwill. please.

-IF SARAH FUCKING CRIES I SWEAR TO GOD

-oh yeah she’s pregnant. that’s how the story ends.

-okay. natalie comes off as empathetic but like, in the most condescending way.

-like its fucking obvious she’s only ever caring about herself (ava bekker would never. sarah reese would never. get your head out of your ass) (ok wow that aggression came from nowhere lmao)

- i really wanna say something about - Connor: “We all know that love can hurt, but loneliness? that’ll kill you.” have fun with that fic writers. (insert obvious connection to loneliness killing ava? have we had enough? this doesn’t pertain to the theory)

-jesus will at this point stop hesitating at the ‘if we’re wrong, it could kill him’ stage. we all know you don’t care

-how funny would it be if the family just like, disowned that girl

-this will nat and co. love triangle is already so fucking exhausting

-JAY REALLY SAID WILL I AM TAKING NONE OF YOUR BS

-is he really about to break up with her. right now. i swear to fucking god

-this is so fucking stupid (what i would pay for ava to hand him his ass right here right now) (that’s a hc idea right there)

-FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY WILLIAM

-sarah and noah stay adorable

-aww stolllll, my heart

-lmao i forgot the girl who played robin was on once upon a time and i was like ‘ive seen her recently what was it’

-FINALLY HES GONNA FUCKING GET SHOT! HELL YES!

-charles looks high as balls

-the queen returns. she’s back

-IM GONNA FUCKING JUMP OFF A CLIFF

-okay. from the previous ep i mentioned ava’s line being something like ‘you’re quite the gossip magnet, your mother commited suicide, drove your girlfriend crazy, and you murdered your attending.” right?  we all remember that?

-well lads, do we remember connor’s response?

-connor: “...Well you’d better watch yourself, hadn’t you?”

-...

- I-

-hahahah this is not okay.

-AND GOD. JUST THE WAY AVA TAKES IT AND JUST SMILES, ACCEPTING THE CHALLENGE. holy shit. this fucking breaks my heart.

-i like almost can’t even appreciate the easy ending of noah’s grad party.

-oh yeah charles still hasn’t gotten shot.

-god sarah is still adorable. the way she finally relaxes FOR ONCE and lets herself have fun. fun fact: this may be the last time we see sarah just easily enjoying herself. also maybe the first.

- i am officially starting the save ava campaign, anyone who wants to join can. the goal is pretty simple. save ava. save our hearts.

-oh my god is he finally going to get shot?? like what dude come on

Okay. another episode down, the first full one, and what have we learned?

Well, this was Ava’s first episode and we learned how it seems she was doomed from the start. It makes no sense, even just her writing is disconnected from s2 to s3, like how do they do that? This ava lines up so well with s4 ava it’s almost uncanny. if you completely cut out s3 her character arc would make complete sense, in a frighteningly tidy way.

Like I said at the top, the fact that Ava was referenced in the episode description of the season finale is huge. It means she is a big character, ground shaking, almost. I really don’t know why they had to make this introduction at the end of s2 and not the beginning of s3, other than making it fit with the three month time jump that i’m pretty sure starts the season.

The way I see it, Ava had 4 main interactions/points. 1) She called connor loyal (and was blunt about Latham) 2) She remarks that residents shouldn’t have speaking rights (that one’s just funny) and disagrees with connor on the surgery, which they go with connor’s decision because of course they do. granted they switch to her plan midway through) 3) connor takes over her surgery after they disagree on whether or not the patient can be saved. Connor is right. and 4) we have the final ‘I like dangerous men’ interaction.

Let’s focus on the train of Ava vs. Connor disagreements. If we go by my previous statement which was Ava was designed as the villain to Connor’s hero, so the hero could win the favor of the public by defeating the villain, the trajectory of their interactions is not surprising in the slightest.

First, Connor wins the first point bc they initial go with his plan. Then, mid surgery, they have to switch to Ava’s plan, because she was right. This obviously pisses him off, that he was wrong and she was right.  His crown had been knocked askew. But then, he wrestles it back. They disagree on whether or not the patient can be saved, connor takes complete control, and he actually ends up saving him.

It’s interesting that the final disagreement came at the sake of a patient’s life. Ava was quick to dismiss the heart as gone, but Connor fought for it, being the hero. It’s easy to shut Ava down right then and there, call her heartless and call it a day.

if s4 had come immedietely (i have no clue how to spell that) after, it would be completely in character for ava to be a psychopath from what little we’ve seen. And honestly, no one would care. The villain would get her due justice.

Let’s switch gears to the conspiracy theory, or the redemption arc. whichever sounds cooler.

A hero is only as good as their villain. That’s really my argument. At this point, yeah, s4 seems like it was planned, just based on s2.

Okay, so, what? Is that another layer of the theory that I’m adding? that the connor/ava plot of s4 was ACTUALLY supposed to be in s3? I... no. we’ve established that is is very rare for the med writers to plan storylines that far ahead. so what am I saying?

I think that the s4 plot was actually a scrapped plot potentially to be used in s3. and when they were left floundering at the end of s3 for an answer? they retreated. sacrificing character development in the process.

So what the hell happened in s3? A horrible fluke? why was it so different?

in s3 ava became more of a rival and less of a villain. while those words can have very similar meanings, the bulk of it is that neither of them really wanted to be that mean each other, they never went out of their way to stomp on the other (at least that I’m aware of). they just were always forced to work together, naturally leading to friction.

This shift meant all the difference. Connor no longer had to beat Ava. it wasn’t required. as a result, ava was very very slowly allowed to interact with people other than connor. she was allowed to slightly develop.

Why the shift? well, the conspiracy theory suggests it’s because they wanted someone who could follow up connor if he left at the end. IF they were true rivals, each of them should be able to hold their own without each other.

okay yeah, i managed to get like 4k words out of like 5 minutes a screen time and 8 lines. jesus christ.still didnt do my hw tho

next we watch the premiere of s3 and see what happens. thanks for reading

-

read the next parts:

Part 1 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra