#jey is an unreliable narrator

[cavinginhisfvce]

All Things Borrowed.

A samijey drabble!

Jey knows it's selfish. He knows it's not fair to feel the way he does. He shouldn't feel like he's living on borrowed love from his boyfriend, especially not when Sami is always so willing to give Jey the affection he knows the Samoan craves.

It's selfish to take all that Sami offers, his joy, his fears, his love, and in return store those moments for when, if, that trust in Jey suddenly vanishes, instead of giving the same. 

It's not fair of Jey to store the love for a later date, a day where the love has suddenly stopped flowing and he's scrambling for some semblance of things being okay. Things being right.

If Sami knew Jey was just counting down the days until the demise of their relationship, would he still bother with the man? Or would he make all of Jey's worst dreams come true and feed him to the proverbial wolves?

Wrapped up tightly in Sami's embrace, Jey can't help but feel reminded that all love is borrowed love; no matter who the love comes from.

Whether it be family or others, the boy is all too familiar with what it feels like to watch the reservoir of familial love run so dry the sight of the person makes you feel sick to your stomach.

Jey's love for Roman, for example it burned so bright, and felt reciprocated in ways that blinded him to who his cousin was becoming until it was too late, and Jey had become a person Roman held little to no love for.

Jey watched with his own eyes as the love Roman had for him ceased to exist, at least in a healthy sense.

He doesn't think he can live through a pain like that again, even if the love differs from his relationship with Roman, even if Roman went too far with his love and it cost Jey everything,  seeing the way his cousin has completely done away with him and seems better for it, hurts; but the feeling pales in comparison to the mere thought that Sami could be done with him, he can't imagine who he'd become if Sami decided Jey wasn't worth the hassle. If he decided the panic attacks, and nightmares were too much to tackle, because let's face it, Jey's a handful. He knows this, and Sami, bless his heart, tries so hard with him, but he truthfully doesn't have to. 

Jey knows if he shares these feelings with his boyfriend, the elder will reassure him. He knows Sami will take him in his arms and pepper his face in sweet kisses whilst he whispers all the reasons he loves Jey more than he could ever know, Sami has done as much for less. 

But, there's the possibility Sami could do the exact opposite, maybe Sami just needed an out and Jey opening up would be just that. Maybe in the same breath Jey confesses his knowledge of living on borrowed love, Sami will pack his bags and leave Jey's life forever. 

The likelihood seems much higher now than it did before, especially with the stolen glances from Sami and Cody, the looks they think Jey doesn't notice. He does. He noticed the lingering touches, and that Sami will seek out Cody at work, long before he finds his actual partner.

Even in his muddled mess of a mind, Jey knows he's being irrational, because just that morning Sami had woken him up by carding skilled fingers through his curls, nosing happily at the man's cheek until the latter stirred awake.

And yet, the possibility still exists. 

There could come a day when Sami is no longer the glue holding Jey together, but the hammer that shatters him fully. It'd be too easy with all the cracks in the Samoan's foundation, because they're just that. Cracks in his foundation, difficult to patch up and make whole without running the risk of destroying it completely. 

Jey isn't sure he'd survive that. So, he stays shut. What Sami doesn't know, won't be able to hurt Jey.

If Sami and Cody are truly falling in with one another, then Jey will pretend nothing has changed, because losing Sami? It's not an option. 

He'll live on borrowed love for however long, if it means Sami stays with him.

[afterdarkprincess]

I’m having thoughts about writing a Samijey AU fic.

They’re still professional wrestlers and some things are similar, but they come up in rival heel factions and have a slowburn enemies to lovers forbidden romance that ends in them betraying their factions and face turning together to become a tag team.

[pioneer-10]

Can I Exist? Part 2

This is part two of my fic for @lackablazeical‘s Addams Family AU; part 1 can be found here

Content Warnings: Unreliable narrator, cognitive dissonance, manipulation, [perceived] physical abuse, gaslighting, and non-graphic descriptions of injuries/blood. Please let me know if I missed anything and I’ll add it as well.

Three days pass before Leo opens his eyes. Usagi’s not sure how he managed to sleep at all in that time, scared to even close his eyes in Leo's vicinity, but eventually his exhaustion had gotten the better of him and he’d passed out on the floor for several hours.

Luckily, he isn’t still asleep when Leo wakes up.

Usagi’s not sure what he was expecting from him, really, but what Leo immediately does isn’t it. He blinks up at the ceiling, looking somewhat disoriented, before his gaze slowly shifts down to meet his. He smiles tiredly and waves. 

“Hey ‘Sagi,” he says, and his voice sounds gentle and wrong. Usagi stiffens.

No, he thinks, immediately. That’s not right. That’s not him. It can't be him.

Except...somehow, it is. Leo looks nothing like the tormentor Usagi remembers - he looks like a child, he’s a child - though he still approaches the turtle like he’s a bomb instead of a person, braced to jump away should he make any sudden movements. 

Leo doesn’t move at all. He just yawns, canines glinting in the dim light of his living room, and Usagi feels his pulse quicken. For a turtle, Leo looks an awful lot like a predator - Usagi remembers the same sort of look about Jei, back when…

When…

He shakes his head violently, shoving the memories and comparisons as far away from his thoughts as he can force them to go. He doesn't have time for a breakdown right now.

When he finally looks up again, Leo is staring at him.

“Leo?” Usagi hates the tremor in his voice [almost as much as he hates himself]. Leo tilts his head to the side, and his jaw tightens.

He’s not a monster, he reminds himself. He’s just…his family made him that way. It’s not his fault. Leo shifts, and his breath hitches. …Right?

“Thanks for…for getting me out of there,” Leo says quietly, and Usagi feels his reservations crumbling at the look of…is it desperation? in the turtle’s eyes as their gazes meet a second time. He nods tensely, muscles taut with the anxiety wrapping itself around his gut. 

“O-Of course,” he stammers. “What…” he trails off, remembering the crack of the metal bat as it slammed into Leo's plastron with a wince. “What happened?” Leo’s eyes widen slightly, and Usagi quickly backpedals. “You - you don’t have to talk about it, i-if you don’t want to, I just…" he swallows, he can hear his heart beating in his throat. "I’m…I’m sorry.” Leo doesn’t meet his eyes, but he nods.

“It’s okay, Sagi. You don’t have to apologize to me.” He curls back against the couch cushions, and Usagi feels like a string about to snap. 

“Let me get you some water,” he says, and before Leo can say anything he’s gone, disappearing into the kitchen and wishing he could just run and never look back. His ear twitches as he imagines bolting for the door - maybe if he ran fast enough and far enough, he could outrun even Leo...

No. Usagi shakes his head, forcing himself to stay calm. Because he can't just run now, and there’s nobody he can blame but himself for it, and nobody knows that better than he does as Usagi locates a glass and fills it. His hands are shaking, he realizes as he starts back towards the living room. Some of the water spills over the edge of the glass, soaking into his fur as he uselessly tightens his grip on the cup. 

Can’t just do one thing right, he thinks miserably, but he forces his expression into one of neutrality as he returns to Leo's side. Leo smiles at him as he enters the living room, and Usagi wishes he could sink into the floor as he hands him the glass. 

“Here,” he mumbles. 

“Thank you.” Leo accepts the cup and promptly downs the entire thing; he doesn’t slam it onto the table when he sets it down, but the sound feels like a knife in Usagi’s ears. 

Run, his mind screams. Run, run, never look back. 

Usagi grits his teeth and forces himself to smile.

“Of course.”

Leo spends the night on the couch, watching Lou Jitsu movies on low volume and melting into Usagi’s side when he eventually joins him. He seems somewhat disoriented at first, though as night becomes day becomes night again he seems to grow more aware of himself and his surroundings. 

But it’s still wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong, Leo’s all wrong and Usagi hates it even more than he hates the heart still scrawled in dried blood on the concrete outside. At least he’d somewhat gotten used to that, at least he more or less knew what to expect before, even if it was horrible every time...But this? This is completely new to him, and he doesn't think he's ever felt more lost than he does with his [former?] tormentor sitting on his couch and eating his food.

He’s only a child. Usagi watches Leo delicately nibble on a strawberry, and his mind swirls with a million thoughts.

Maybe… maybe he hadn't been quite so horrible as he’d made him out to be, looking back. Maybe…maybe his memories exaggerated the events because he hadn’t understood why Leo was doing what he did...maybe he'd done the things he did because he didn’t know the right way to express affection; because the monsters who’d raised him had shown him no other way. 

Maybe he really just…didn’t know. 

“You look tense, ‘Sagi, are you okay?” Usagi snaps from his thoughts like a rubber band stretched too far, jumping and hitting his shoulder against the door frame and spilling the tea he’d been holding onto his shirt. His gaze flickers to Leo, who tilts his head at him with a look of concern before patting the seat cushion next to him. “Why don’t you tell me about it?” he prompts. 

Either way, Usagi decides as he obliges, he doesn’t like this new Leo at all. He's still waiting for the other shoe to drop - and he blames himself for that too, because he's hurt, goddammit, and he should know better than to blame him for what happened to him.

But why is he so nice all of a sudden? 

It just doesn’t make any sense, unless…Is he scared I’ll send him back to his brothers? The thought alone is enough to make Usagi feel nauseous all over again, and he forces himself to drop that horrific train of thought as he seats himself next to Leo with a quiet sigh.

“I’ll be alright,” he murmurs. Because he has to be. Because not being alright isn’t an option. Leo doesn’t press him; just leans into his shoulder with a soft smile even as Usagi fights the urge to jump away and wash away the very memory of the goddamn turtle from his mind and fur. 

He’s hurt, he tells himself through gritted teeth. This is…this is important to him. I need to show him that he’s safe here. That I’d never send him back.

So he doesn’t pull away, no matter how much he wants to. He lets Leo press himself into his side like he’s scared Usagi will melt away if he lets go; he indulges him in conversation about his job and home country; he watches old movies and shows with him into the early hours of the morning, until he can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Each time he falls asleep he wakes up in Leo's arms, and he sinks a little deeper into his self loathing every time.

Too bad that doesn’t last.

Usagi still doesn’t really know what he did wrong; all he knows is that one moment, he’d been cutting up carrots for a soup he’d planned on making for Leo, and the next he was on the floor, holding his bloody hand as white fur stained red. 

He must’ve disassociated again.

Leo had joined him in an instant, but his demeanor wasn’t the same, and he had that awful look in his eyes as he reached for Usagi’s bloody hand, grabbing it and forcing it towards himself when he tried to pull away. 

“Oh dear,” he says, but his voice is all lilty and wrong and he’s wrong and everything’s wrongwrongwrong. “You’re bleeding, ‘Sagi.”

Of course it had been his fault. 

Because what else could it have been?