#jhin on his way to write a parenting book (coauthor is silco) about “how to raise the traumatised child i found on the streets”

[walls-actual-ly]

rereading parts of "take your pretty smile, tell them everything's fine." (the jhinhwei scene) and god damn it i m baffled at my own writing??

aka if nobody writes long ass analysis of my fanfic i ll do it myself xD (tw for very much sexual grooming, underage relationship, pseudoincest, i mean its Jhin lol)

i forgot the details and now i m rereading it and i lose my sanity one bit at a time. its so obvious how unhealthy their relationship is, i think its also one of the chapters that really brings out just how young hwei is and in a lot of ways their conversation feels like a talk between a parent and a child, both struggling to let go of each other.

and this is a turning point to an extent, if jhin was a better man he would ve rejected hwei, encouraged the boy to pursue kayn and start developing some sense of independence. but he doesn't do it, instead, he dives right in and makes his dependency worse. Instead of reassuring Hwei that he is alright, that Jhin loves him but that he doesn't care about the kind of sex he is having with his boyfriend Jhin makes clear that he cares, indulges Hwei's desire for him to do so, draws an obvious parallel between the bite kayn left and the scar he cut into him a few months ago.

And what makes this whole thing "worse" imo in that in a scene that is very much smut we also get their first actual conversation about what they are,

Hwei: “You are more of a father, or brother, or friend than I ever had.” Jhin: “You are the only son I will ever have.”

and then in the middle of making out, hwei calls jhin "dad" for the first time, and i think its then that Jhin actually realises the power he holds over this child of his.

like, jhin never planned to be a father for hwei, he never planned to raise a child, he was totally unprepared for the traumatised special needs kid he took in. he had no idea what was going on, just thought that this immensely talented baby artist will never have a chance to bloom if he doesn't get him out of the soul-crushing environment. so he does, their relationship grows, he realises that he begins to love this child, that he wants to give him the world, wants him to be happy.

but now, in the middle of making out with Hwei, he suddenly realises that this isn't right, that if he loves Hwei then he needs to at least give him the space to think this through, show him that he can love him without needing his body for it.

“Let me show you how much I adore you.”  Jhin moved up, took his hands and gently placed them to his side, smiling almost shyly. “Will you let me?”

and when Hwei agrees, fully expecting to just have emotional sex, Jhin stops. and i m so not okay with this, i didn't even expect this to happen, i thought it would just be a chapter focused on them having hot sex.

like jhin totally crossed the line, but he allows Hwei to step back and reassures his baby boy that he ll love him no matter what he chooses :(((