#jkanniletter

[gguksgalaxy]

Dear Jungkook,

Words cannot express how I feel that we have come here. Today marks the day, 5 years since I first saw you. That beautiful boy in the baby blue with the most lovely smile I had ever seen. I have the pictures saved, I could never forget. I don’t quite remember the day, and lets be honest I’m not quite sure that it was exactly today. But I’ve told myself it's the 13th of December so that is what we’re going with. It doesn't matter much. What does matter however, is the fact that I’ve been irrevocably in love with you for a longer time than I ever thought was possible. Not because of you, no, never, but because of me. For five entire years you have been here by my side, through it all.  I want to thank you, for being my light, for being the one thing in my life that I can rely on without regrets. It might be weird, I say this to you every year, but I love you despite the fact that you’ll never know me. I love you because you give me faith. In others and in myself. No matter where I go, no matter how deep I fall, I know that youll always be there. Maybe not to catch me, but to soothe the pain afterwards. To make things a little more bearable. All it takes is one look at those gorgeous eyes of yours and I feel like things will perhaps be okay.  I think that is probably what drew me in to be honest. Your eyes. I talk about them a lot, I guess a lot of people do. They sparkle unlike anything I have ever seen. So bright, full of wonder for the world and those around you. So genuine. I see them and i know you could never do me wrong. Not because I think you’re perfect, none of us are, but because something about the way your eyes speak is just so telling. I can see the honesty in your eyes, the way they sparkle, the way they crinkle when you smile, or how they get wide in confusion. You carry a child-like innocence with you that I hope you never loose. It’s what makes you so special. You are so special Jungkook, do you know? I think you know, I mean, you have millions of fans all over the world who can tell you this every day. I’m sure your hyungs will tell you as well. Though I’m still going to tell you from my perspective. Aside from your eyes that literally carry the stars, you are a wonder my love. The way that you are able to make me feel at ease, to make me smile and make me feel safe. I have no way of explaining it. I just know that you, you are everything, you are it. The one thing that I know is real, is true. I love you, I love you so much that sometimes it hurts. I love you so much that you have become the proof to me, that I am able to love.  This is why, sadly, sometimes it's a struggle. You. Not because of anything you did, but because I love you so much that i start to doubt myself. My anxiety has recently gotten a hold of you, taken you captive and made me question whether my love for you is real. It hurts, I don't think I’ve had anything happen to me that hurts as much as that, and yet i KNOW that I love you. The feeling sadly...is numbed from time to time and it's hard to pull myself through those days. And even then, I remember. I remember so vividly that one day where you sad that its okay if we need to take a break, but that you will always be there. That is what gets me through those dark days. Knowing that even if i can’t love you how I want to because of things going on around me or inside of me, you will be there when I come back. You will always be there to cheer me up or to show me that itll all be alright. I am so grateful for that.  I want to thank you for these past 5 years. The first time you really solidified as a bias for me was on the 20th of April in 2018. Around that time I had lost a previous love due to some commotion and I felt like my world was collapsing around me. And there you were, I think you were in Japan, streaming live, singing with that beautiful voice of yours. I knew then and there that you would be my saviour. Then again, about 2 years ago, when the most important person of my life left me and I didnt’ only feel lost but I also felt broken. You were the one thing that proved to me that i was capable of love, despite you not really being here. Through loving you I know that their words are not real, I know that I can love. You are the symbol of everythign I have overcome, and everything I have to give to those around me. Despite my sometimes insecure attachment, I refuse to let my anxiety take you away from me. If my anxiety was right, I would not be here writing this. I wouldn’t be tearing up at the thought of everythign that you ahve helped me through, at the thought of loosing you.  Loosing you....I don't think that is somethign I could ever go through. It terrifies me despite feeling numb. I don’t want to live a life where you slip through my fingers. Where those beautiful eyes loose their meaning and your voice no longer reaches me. I refuse. You Jungkook, are my everything, my one and only. You always will be my first love, and maybe my last. But what I do know is that until I find someone to pour my love into, you will keep it safe. You will hold on to my heart with care and show me that the world can be good. Show me that I can be good.  I’m still not out of my slump, but writing this to you it felt right. I didn’t write to you on your birthday this year because of things going on and the moment not feeling right. But I do still love you and everything you mean to me is so precious. I change, you change, but I know that you will always be someone that I love.  Today, after I sleep, I’m going to get a tattoo, in honour of you. Not you, the idol, but the you that symbolises everything that I have been through and will go through and can overcome. The symbol of my ability to love, my love for you, and my journey through it all. A gentle reminder, a small bunny. As gentle and beautiful as you. I hope that you will remain with me forever like that tattoo will. 

Again, thank you, I love you, I miss you, 

my forever bun, please take care

much love, 

Gwaen