#journal lol apparently this is my diary blog nkw

[think-it-through]

i dont like to talk of others than myself on the internet so ill keep the side of my oartner as inaccurate as i can while still expressing myself on this matter.

but. i have anxiety right? and ive dated someone for a long time. and yet there are little to no complaints little to no instructions. in some ways, yes its great. and beautiful and why cant i just accept that? do i belive i cannot have a happy relationship? no i do, i can and deserve one. i just don't believe its real, not like this. so im constantly trying to do my best and prevent ever hurting them or neglecting their needs by mistake and at the same time constantly trying to brace myself for the moment it does happen. the moment they break and tell me they think i am bad for them and toxic and incompatible and this is not working. and this part obviously comes from some part of me, not them. probably some sort of result from the conditionality of the love i experienced before this, its just so hard to believe someone would love me without conditions, conditions that, as an imperfect human i will ofc, predictably so, never meet or fail to meet at one point or something alone those lines.

and yet. the other side of things is just. how little i feel like i know about their mind and boundaries? in this relationship, as a sensitive person, that is also conflict averse i do my bestest to explain my emotional needs and thought processes, preventively or in case something already did hurt me or affect me somehow. part of this is to avoid conflict but a big part of it is also to avoid being misunderstood, my behaviour slipping and reflecting my regative, hurt, petty emotions and then, worst case scenario in my head, hurt my partner. so im constantly explaining myself, constantly asking for what i need or saying how i feel in detail, when i am asked and ready to do so. to be clear, this is all intented as a means of being understood, bringing security into the relationship, i try my best to deal with my emotions and not make it seem like i am bestowing them onto my partner to be responsible of.

but, as someone like that, it is so hard for me to take, to believe, to accept, the lack of boundaries and communication about any hurt they ever felt in this relationship. there have been sometimes where they did talk of something, but its less than i can count on one hand and it was usually brief and momentarily, rarely resurfacing or anything in the likes of that.

ive discussed these worries with them and they always simply say im a good partner and they genuinely dont have anything more in their head that they are hiding or anything lile that.

but, in a different context they have also mentioned a fear of intimacy which would explain this. and also a tendency to deal w every struggle by themselves or at least the emotional type.

and at least twice they have admitted to going through more emotionally than they let on(during a situation i notice they act unusual and then a few days later after i worry about it, maybe they admit to it)

so im at a point of.. do i bring this up again for the 19th time and force this person to open up and let me into their emotional life? or, to put it much less harshly, do i insist that i want (and frankly, to deepen our connection i need) our relationship to be a space for visiting each others minds, being emotionally vulnerable, maximising emotional and physical comfort to each other around each other, authenticity, a space so comfortable neither of us think twice before simply saying whats on their minds, before simply being, simply existing in each others presence. i want it to have the nature of full authenticity and comfort in that sense but also discomfort as in healthy, growing, discomfort, such as emotional vulnerability and open honest disagreement and genuine interest in listening and understanding each other and our differences (something i have experienced with few close friends already. so i know it is possible. it sounds romanticised when put into words like this but all in all, i just wanna be completely honest and completely be ourselves around each other man. if we re not then are we really in love, are we really friends. are we really connecting.

orr, the other option that i have been trying to take and failing is. trusting that they are in fact, already doing everything they said above and there is no other hidden layer. and they are just much more simple in their thinking and much more secure and stable in their emotions, so ofc, to someone like me, who has to constantly manage the wave of my emotions, it seems unusual but in fact, it is just another way of being? but, also, knowing my partner, they are not a neurotypical, anxiety/emotion free person either. so. but then again, i am an anxious person. its hard for me to admit self diagnosis wise but i really believe i have some type of anxiety disorder. and the opposite of anxiety iss trust, something i am trying to practice more, so perhaps for my growth, i should try to continue with this route thst has not helped me so much, trust.

well, i did try both routes and neither was satisfactory. 1. sure i can ask but if my partner doesnt want to share or believe there even is smth there to share, i just get nothing.

2. i trust and it might be okay for a while, but i feel part of our connection is lacking, and also the fact is imminent, that a situation will happen, some sort of moment, and i will sense an emotion or boundary or even just thought or opinon unmentioned by them and i will go insane once again,over everything i just wrote down.

welll i might jst try to bring this up as philosophically as i wrote it here and discuss it for fun w them and see what happens.

but also, why am i so obsessed with knowing everything in this persons mind(cough cough love i guess??) they deserve their privacy but i also deserve a relationship connection that is emotionally satisfactory and mutual, not just on my end.

i dont know. i dont know anything. but ik one thing.

i love this person and, only and only in a way healthy and nurturing for us both and our growth, i want to make this work.