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demeaiko · 6 years

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Be yourself

Be Yourself

It was in the middle of fall 2016 where my paradoxical behavior had surfaced and was challenged. This particular day I was off from work and school which I decided to stay home. I was sharing a room with my older brother, we got along, for the most part, the only problem I had was that he snored horrendously, the house reeked like a skunk because of the constant cloud of marijuana. I was seeking a little attention now which led to the upcoming event.

I was laying on my bed earphones in listening to the Mack Miller album, “The Divine Feminine”. I was also browsing on a controversial app called Grindr which is a gay “dating” app. Before making assumptions at this time I was in the mind state that I wanted to explore myself as I always had a feeling deep down I was attracted to the same sex. I never acted on it as my household was very homophobic at the time, so I felt it was best to keep that under wraps until I was able to make my own decisions without consequences. As I was browsing the guys on the app, I was conversing with a guy. His description on his profile was Discreet Latino, height 5’11”, weight was about 190 and the guy was pretty muscular more on the toned side, and his position stated he was a dominant top.

We exchanged messages: first, it was small talk like how’s your day, and what our purpose was on the app. My purpose was pretty straightforward, I wanted to find friends and possibly someone to start sort of dating. I say that because again I wasn’t out of the closet and just wanted someone to connect with comfortably as I was finding myself. He said he was looking for the same as he was discreet and wanted something more discreet and maybe someone more long term. I felt our goals were harmonious as we both wanted something sort of secret yet meaningful from my perspective. After about an hour of airing out stuff about each other as he worked for a warehouse, loved to smoke marijuana, and he was very independent.

He sent me a message saying, I really like talking to you, you’re really cute, you can hold a conversation well, when can I meet you in person?

I replied back,Thank you! I don't mind meeting you as well, I like the vibe I’m getting, what day works best for you to meet!”

He quickly replied,” Honestly I have work and overtime this whole week, I'm only available today, what’s the chance of meeting you today?”

At this time, I felt like it was now or never to meet this guy as he applied the pressure very charmingly and I was indeed intrigued by him. Around this time I also had signed my first car note for a 2008 Pontiac named “Grey Goose”, and had the taste for freedom, so I replied back, “Sure I'm mobile and I don't have much planned, I prefer early though is that ok with you”, he replies back “That’s fine come over in about an hour here's my address”.

I looked up the address and it was only about ten min away, so it wasn’t to far, as I confirmed his address I received another text from one of my close cousins that would always pressure me to smoke marijuana with him. He texted asking if he could see me, I told him that would be fine and about five to ten min later he had knocked on my door coming in with a joint in hand. He said, “What’s up bro, you want to smoke?”, I looked at him and said, “sure I don’t mind”, mind to tell you I usually don't partake in smoking but this day I felt the urge to do something different.

After I and my cousin had gotten done smoking I was definitely feeling stoned, my brain felt as if it was pressed on the back end of my skull. Moments later I had gotten a message back saying he was ready and I could stop by. I input his address and made my way there sluggishly. I pulled up to these baby blue and white color schemed apartments, which were not well maintained. I parked Grey Goose in the parking lot and examined my surroundings, I saw a couple of familiar stores like 7/11 and Safeway then proceeded to his apartment. When I knocked on the door and he opened up, he had his shirt off showing his muscles and smiled saying hi. First, I was very intrigued, but after I looked past him I saw there was a lot of boxes piled up like he was either moving in or moving out. I paid it no mind at first and proceeded into his living room and sat on his burgundy couch.

We were talking for a while about nonsense, like he could tell I was high, and I was young. Once we had gotten deeper into the conversation I asked him, “So why all the boxes, are you moving in?” he replied, “No I’m actually moving back to Mexico in about five days, it's expensive staying here so it’ll be going to stay with my parents”. At that point, I deemed him a liar in my eyes because I felt that should have been disclosed before we met up. So me being me, I said back, “Well, in that case, I think I’m going to get going. I thought we were on the same understanding that we wanted something more than something temporary”. I had gotten up and headed halfway to the door when he charmingly took hold of my hand and gently guided me back to his couch to talk. I had already made my mind up to leave, I slightly pulled away and walked to the door. I opened it half way he stood directly behind me brushing his body against mine and closed the door in front of me. At this point my heart was pounding out of my chest, my blood felt like molasses as I knew what was going on and what I had gotten myself into. He again gently guided me to his couch. I sat there stuck partially from me being high. He started kissing my neck which made me pull away. I then said, “I don't feel comfortable, and this isn't what I want to do,” He spat back, “We are having fun, just go with the flow remember your pretty new to this”. I wasn’t buying it. I sat there motionless. He then told me to take my pants off, I again sat there ignoring him this time which made him infuriated, He yelled loudly “Take them off!” At that point a tear came down my face. So much on my mind I didn't know who I was dealing with and he had a physical advantage in my mind over me. My pants came off, he eyed me and said,” Lay on your stomach on the couch, I slowly did as he said and buried my face into the beige pillow. He then disrespectfully put his hands on my bottom and complimented my physic which did not feel genuine. I had asked him, “Will you at least use a condom? I’m really young and have a long life ahead of me hopefully, I don't want to deal with any diseases or problems this early on.” I also didn't want my first time bottoming (being the receptive partner) to be someone raping me. He spat back quickly, “I told you to go with the flow, and that this will be fun. I've never had complaints about my game so sit back and enjoy.” The room went black as he entered me, I buried my face into the pillow and honestly felt like dying, I didn't know what this guy’s history was or if he would let me leave without someone getting more physically hurt. Luckily, he had finished after about five minutes that felt like forever, and he then briskly walked to the bathroom cleaning up. I took this opportunity to leave and quickly got into Grey Goose. The tears kept falling like a may rain storm. I parked my car at home and sat there for hours getting myself together as I knew if I showed up distressed at home I would have to tell what happened. I knew I couldn't hold it in or come up with a lie, I usually never cry. I walked in and seen my mom sitting in her recliner chair watching TV, I told her hi and kept proceeding to my room where I reflected on the event a little more before I had gone to sleep.

With me going through such an intense situation it would be ludicrous to not become affected or gain insight into what could have been prevented. I partially take responsibility for what happened, I was not secure with myself and knew as a kid to never enter into just anyone’s home. I rushed into this situation instead of understanding the key points in our interaction. First was the fact I nor this guy was comfortable in our own skin, we had to be hidden in how we went about meeting each other. I also was extremely gullible, after I seen the boxes packed across the apartment, I should have listened to my intuition and made my exit. To make matters worse, this malicious individual got away with everything! As much as I wanted to let someone know about what happened, I was more fearful of the consequences of my family finding out about my sexuality and disowning me altogether. This led to me being silent on the matter and keep to myself.

This situation also led to me not attending school anymore, when this happened it was two weeks before finals, I was nowhere near in the right mind state to complete school or sadly again not tell anyone what was going on. The most painful part I experienced about the altercation was the fact I went thru the most excruciating phycological pain ever. Every night I would wake up emergently gasping for air, laying in a pool of sweat as panic attacks seem to be a new norm for me. I don’t ever want anyone else to go through this deal of pain, loss, and exposure again. I want this story to touch people especially anyone that has LGBT individuals in their intimate lives. Parents this goes to you as well as you can become more aware of your child and teach compassion and acceptance, this creates an environment where your child can express themselves in a healthy way and communicate their desires to be their self unapologetically. #lgbt #gay #lesbian #bisexual #transgender #blackcommunity #gaycommunity #blackmen #awareness #rapevictims #mystory #mytruth #lgbtq #pesonalnarritive

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