#just hearing people say that whatever they're doing on tuesday will be their 'first date' and i'm like 'i swear i've heard this before'

[cellgatinbo]

so how many "first dates" have fitpac had so far. bc i swear every time they get together everyone's like "great job on the first date 🥰" but it's gotta have been like 3 times by now

[thispabulum-blog]

Single and Ready to Mingle

What's the Tea? Tuesday

Very soon after becoming officially single, I decided it was time to start looking for new people to spend time with - one of the things about living with someone for so long is that you get really used to having another person around all the time - which is a roundabout way of saying I was lonely.

I wasn't sure how much dating had changed in the last 8 years, so I instinctively went back to my old stomping grounds: OkCupid. I don't know if my old profile exists anymore and had no luck trying to find it, so I just went ahead and created a new one.  OkCupid seems like the best platform for me, primarily because it's VERY word-heavy. Lots of super long, detailed profiles, tons of match questions, and match percentages. It's also a very poly/kink/ENM-friendly site. 

Tinder, by comparison, is essentially a lawless wasteland. Super short profiles, and you mostly have to figure out for yourself if you think you'd be compatible (except for the "passions") which are…meh. At first I was barely matching with anyone, though it has improved a bit. 

I don't have profiles on any of the other popular sites, but I'm open to it, if for no other reason than to check it out and see how it works. 

Living in the future

I set up a Google Voice phone number almost immediately, because I wanted to be able to text or call people without giving out my actual number. It's really easy to block people and I think this was a good choice. I would recommend this to anyone who’s doing online dating, or anything where you might need to give your phone number to strangers online (selling stuff, etc.).

What am I looking for? 

Every time someone asks me this, I think I give a different answer, because at this point I really don’t know. I’m open to most things. I’d like new friends, people to spend time with, people I can chat with. To some extent I would like people to go on dates with. I mean, honestly, I’m starting my life over in a lot of ways, so I’ve got space for all kinds of things.

I tend to tell people that I’m recently out of an unhappily-monogamous relationship, and that I’m mostly looking for cuddly-affectionate friendships. Sometimes I add that I’m open to further intimacy if the vibes are right, but often I leave that part out because a lot of people get stuck on it.

Like in a sitcom when a wife asks a husband for a backrub, and he rubs her back for about 30 seconds before trying to turn it into sex. I truly would like to cuddle, and it’s super important to me that I not feel pressured or obligated to have things go further than that if I don’t want to - because if I feel pressured, I won’t want to, you understand? 

What's my type? 

Physically: This has been an interesting exploration for me, because one of the things that I tend to lie to myself about is that I like to think I don't have a type. Scrolling through my matches, though, a few things stand out. I like brunettes. I like Hispanic and Latino guys. I like facial hair. Glasses come up a lot. I’m seeing a lot of long, curly hair. None of these are hard-and-fast rules, though, just preferences and tendencies and common threads I notice a lot. Height doesn’t matter, and as far as body type I really run the whole spectrum. 

Mentally: I like guys who are into nerd shit. Star Wars/comic books/D&D are big ones, but I’m also interested in guys who are nerds about history or astronomy or music or whatever. I love gamers for some reason, despite not doing much gaming myself. If they're unapologetically excited and passionate about something, I want to hear about it. They also have to be intelligent, and funny - I like to have deep conversations, but I can’t deal with someone who takes themselves too seriously all the time. I have a particular fondness for people who share my love of dad-jokes and wordplay. As my profile says, "I like 'em smart, silly, and a little bit surrealist". 

Emotionally: I like Sad Boys. I really, really like Sad Boys. Idk. This is probably not super healthy, but oh well. Tell me you're just off a breakup and I will swoon. Hint at some past trauma and I’ll basically invite myself over. Let’s go sit in a corner at the party and talk about your divorce and then make out. 

I think one of the shifts in my approach this time around (maybe? It's hard to recall the headspace I was in before) is that I am more comfortable emphasizing looking for friends and just letting things be whatever they are.

A lot of times on dating sites there's this idea of gogogogogogo! If you don't set up a date within 2 days of starting to talk, everything is ruined! If your conversation fizzles out you can never get it back! If someone doesn't answer your message for a few days, they're not interested! If you wait a few weeks, the person will be locked down! 

Maybe it's an age thing [I am now a thirtysomething], but like…life happens. I understand people have busy schedules and jobs and friends and other things going on, so I'm more patient now. Half the people in my life I haven't seen in more than a month, and I don't worry about it. 

I'll see if I can go through two weeks at a time until we get caught up. 

Week 1 (Feb 13 - 19):

I set up new profiles on both OkCupid and Tinder, sent out a lot of messages, talked to a few guys that seemed interesting but nothing really happened. Met up with no one. Ran into Space Kitten on OkCupid and said hi. 

I did start talking to this guy Eclipse who's super chill. He has great taste in mellow music and the most amazing natural curly hair that I want to bounce. (Side note: I don’t remember how old he is, and he has since deleted his OkC profile after ensuring that I had his phone number so we could text. It feels weird to ask at this point, but I think he's somewhere between 23 and 27.) We've been trying to meet up continuously, but we are plagued by obstacles. Scheduling, illness, car difficulties, etc. I just wanna go eat Thai food and play board games with him. Is it a relationship? No. Is it a cuddly-affectionate friendship? In the making, perhaps. 

Week 2 (Feb 20 - 26):

Whew. This was quite a week. Already, things are popping off in a big way.

The first thing that happened during Week 2 was that on Sunday I started talking to Weeb Dude (he has ended up with the worst nickname ever and there's nothing I can do about it at this point; that's how everyone in my life knows him. After this I mostly get more proactive coming up with better nicknames).

He’s in his mid-20s, works in education, watches Euphoria a lot when he’s not deep into anime. I really enjoy his positive, supportive energy and his silly but often dry sense of humor.

He was determined to get me to start watching anime, and asked me a lot of questions about my taste in tv, movies, and books to get an idea of where I should start and what I would enjoy. Then he sent me some clips of his recommendations so I could check them out and pick what I thought I’d like. I appreciate this level of determination, which is more than anyone else who’s tried to get me to watch anime has done. I’m not unwilling, I’m just overwhelmed.

The second thing that happened was that your girl Pabulum did a dumbfuck thing. I was home alone on Sunday night, and there had been this guy I’d matched with on OkC and exchanged a couple of messages with. We’ll call him Blocker, in a bit of foreshadowing. Cute Hispanic guy, 24, really fit, definitely what I would consider Out of My League or at least just like...not existing on the same plane of dating. I think my first message to him said something like “This isn’t gonna happen, but damn you’re hot”, because he was very clear in his profile about looking for hookups and that’s just not me, but I can always appreciate an attractive human being, and I think men in general don’t get enough compliments. 

Anyway, he was more into it than I expected, and there were some flirty messages and a lot of me being like “Nah, man” and him being like “That’s okay, just let me know when you’re ready” and he said lots of nice and very appealing things about what he wanted to do to me. At some point I was like...fuck it. I’m an adult. This is an experience I should have at least once, right? He adds me on Snapchat because that’s what the kids do these days to make sure they’re talking to the person they think they are, and we send some pictures back and forth. I run out of reasons to say no, so I guess it’s on now. 

[Clearly this didn’t work out well, so you’re gonna hear some stuff. Break out the earmuffs for the small children.]

We get together and he’s like...immediately on me, which is not my favorite. He’s a really hot guy and I want to kiss him on his nice, full lips and I want to take his shirt off so I can touch his stomach and I want his mouth on me, and none of those things are happening. He’s got one hand in my shirt, and the other guiding my hand down his pants, and this is like literally less than 1 minute after saying hi. Ugh.

He wants my mouth on him, but he’s too aggressive about it and that’s a pet peeve of mine (I know what I’m doing, thanks, back off), so I push him onto the bed and climb on top of him so he will at least sit still. And then very quickly things progressed [safely, I promise] and it’s like...okay. It’s decent. There’s a lot of moving around but not a lot of interaction, and none of the things that would make this a fun experience for me are happening, and before I know it he’s done and that’s that and shoes are on kthxbai. Womp womp wooooomp. 

He blocks me on OkC and on Snapchat before I’m back to my own bed, and I’m surprised that I don’t even feel like anything happened. Literally less than 20 minutes from walking in the door to walking out.

Rant Time: It was just so underwhelming, honestly. And I was baffled. Like…is this what people do? It’s boring. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to a one-night stand or anything, but I like to take my time. I like connecting with people. I like physical touch.

Not only was this not satisfying or enjoyable for me, but I’m not sure how it could have possibly been good for him, either. And I guess the block proves that. I feel like he could have taken care of it himself just as easily and saved us both the time and hassle.

A friend of mine suggested that while obviously he’s emotionally immature, it may be that because he’s so attractive, he feels that he can afford to treat women as disposable sex toys, the same way you hear jokes about rich people wearing clothes once and then throwing them away rather than wash them. Which I suppose is probably the most accurate assessment of the situation, but AT LEAST WEAR THE CLOTHES WELL, Y’KNOW?? 

Texting one of my best friends about it the next morning, I said “If I don’t get to rub my face on your tummy, you’ve failed sexually”, and as great of an out-of-context quote as that is, I stand by it. I spent most of the week complaining about it to anyone who would listen, and was pretty sure that'd be the last time I did that.

(Spoiler: It was not)

The third thing that happened during this week was Baymax. Sigh.

I got a message bright and early on Monday morning.

So I looked at this guy's profile and he is TWENTY. Full stop. Twenty. Not old enough to drink. But he's got these really pretty blue eyes and a goofy smile and he has enough facial hair that he doesn't look like an infant.

However, I went ahead and told him what I was looking for, and his answers back to me hit me where it hurts - he's a Sad Boy. Dammit, my weakest weakness! 

I continued talking to him throughout the week while trying very hard to maintain an aloof presence - you can probably guess how well that worked.

I wasn't playing hard-to-get (I honestly don't do that), I was just hesitant to get my feels wrapped up in this tiny infant baby-child that I didn't think I was emotionally available enough for. He needed a girlfriend, someone he could devote himself to, and that just ain't me right now.

The thing is, though.

I'm also not one to ignore The Universe when it decides to send me an adorable gift wrapped up in a hoodie with the words "Good Vibes" on it.

I fell hard. He fell hard. We spent every night on the phone together for hours, sometimes talking and sometimes just hanging out - he watched me assemble a desk on video chat, and I watched him fall asleep more than once. Please, show me your chaotic theater kid energy, tell me about your favorite Disney movies, how you do Latin ballroom dancing, the multiple languages you’re fluent in, the horse you own, your Twitch stream, play piano for me, do that silly accent for me, show me your art.

We sent Snaps back and forth of us doing laundry, brushing our teeth, cooking, singing while we do chores. His vibes were so comforting, and he's a super kind and genuinely caring person.

Without getting too specific about his business, he’s got a trauma background that’s similar enough to mine that we were able to really bond over some mutual understanding of experiences and boundaries. It’s nice to have someone you can call when you’re having a panic attack; it’s incredible to have someone that will turn around and call you the next day when they’re having one. A++

The fourth thing was interesting. I was swiping through dudes, as you do, and I came across a guy that made me go "Wait, I know that face!" I recognized Item 9's adorable ski-slope nose, crooked smile, and Bill-Hader-esque good looks, but I figured it couldn't be him because last I heard he was engaged. Well, as it turns out, he's recently divorced, and has managed to have three kids since the last time we spoke. Virile, that Item 9. I matched with him, but because I go by a different name now he didn't recognize me, and I decided to go along and then break the news in person (because those are facial expressions you want a front-row seat for). What's more low-pressure than a guy I've already dated?

Believe it or not, that was my first two weeks post-breakup. It was...a lot. 

Next post we’ll do some fun stuff! I know all you non-single people want to see how much of a dumpster fire these dating websites are.

[engagedtobefree]

I talked to Scott on the phone again last night, and now I'm worried. We talked for about 50 minutes and it was normal like our other phone conversations, except for a few things.

Scott told me I seemed kind of shy on Saturday, that I wasn't as talkative as I used to be. I can see what he meant; I had trouble making eye contact and I was really nervous. So I tell Scott I was just nervous and he said, "Oh, aight." I also wasn't flirty like I used to be, but only because I don't want to feed into any possible bad intentions. It's not how it was before when I felt more confidence about Scott's feelings toward me (though that certainly waxed and waned) and I was protected by being at work. Flirting now at my place could potentially lead somewhere.

Then I yawned, and I guess it sounded a little different cuz Scott asked me why I moaned. I tell him it was a yawn and then he said what sounded like, "idk, Dana." "What?" Then, to my surprise he responds with an, "Oh, Dana", making the "oh" sound moany. I instantly feel turned on. I almost respond with "are you the one moaning now?" but I stop myself and don't say anything back to him. I want to hear Scott's moans and sex noises, but I don't want to feed into this if all he is looking for is sex.

A few minutes later he mentions me in my "tight ass jeans and boots." I respond best I can, saying I do miss dressing up, and he says if he can make it over tomorrow (today, now) that maybe I could dress up for him. I tell him I can. Truthfully, most of my old jeans are too tight now since I gained weight and I haven't been able to lose anything yet. I have a pair I can probably wear though.

All of this makes me worried though. What if Scott really is just looking to have sex with me? What if that's all he wants? I can't tell because I notice things that could point to that or could point to him wanting something more. What if he doesn't only want sex and he just...can't help himself saying these things?

I'm terrified, not of Scott but of getting hurt. And if Scott were to hurt me in such a big way while I am pretty emotionally vulnerable and raw, idk how I'd handle it. I am still working on healing from past trauma with men and if another man were to hurt me right now, especially one I have my heart so invested in and am choosing to trust, idk what it would do to me.

I'm worried that I've waited all this time and hoped for a miracle just for Scott to come back only looking for one thing. This isn't what I waited for. I don't want to be called hot. Yeah, it's nice, but only sometimes; it just feels hollow hearing it over and over. I want Scott to also think I'm pretty. I want to date Scott. I've always wanted to date Scott. And while I want him in my bed, that's not how I want to start out. I know we already have an established relationship with each other, but I'd still like something more first.

Idk if I should bring it up to Scott if I see him tonight. Do I just come out and ask him what he wants and what his intentions are? I want to know, but at the same time I'm terrified of what the truth might be. What if he makes a move? That's going to be so hard for me because on one hand I'm going to really want it, and on the other hand it's not going to be how I want it. And if he makes a move, do I stop him and tell him I can't and tell him I don't want to get hurt, that I know we both are looking for different things? I can't just assume Scott only wants sex, but I need to protect myself. I'm also just at the tail end of my period, so I could always use that as an excuse, though he most likely won't care and I'd rather be honest than find an excuse.

I want to see Scott and I want him to come over, but now I'm also fearful of it. I will be away next weekend, so if I can't see him tonight I'm going to keep worrying about this for several more weeks. And that's just assuming I do get some sort of answer tonight. But how can I hide my nervousness? Normally, I can fake things fairly well when I want to, so unless someone really knows me and my energy, I could get away with faking being okay. I don't think that's gonna work with Scott though. He knows me and he can tell when something is off. It doesn't hurt to try, but I'm not confident at all that he won't be able to see right through it.

But then there's the other side of things.

I keep thinking about Scott saying, "Yeah, me too." when I said I want to consciously choose someone who I truly want to be with. Does Scott really want a relationship? How long has it been since he consciously made a decision to be with someone he wants? How long has it been since he followed his heart and went after what he wanted instead of what he thought was the right thing to do? Am I what he wants? When he stops to listen to his heart, does it tell him to make his way back to me? I have many questions about his response to me.

I also have doubts about my doubts. If Scott only wanted one thing then why would he talk on the phone with me every weekend and for long periods of time? Why compliment me in other ways and show his interest in what I have to say? Why open up to me about things when naturally he's very guarded? Why say that he missed me? Granted, that could all be a ploy to reel me in, but I don't think Scott is that deceptive, especially because he knows I'm into him so he wouldn't have to make all of these efforts. Also, why apologize for being a dick and hurting me, only to turn around and act that way and do it again? I mean, I have had men do that same thing to me on two different occasions, but I can't judge Scott by what other men have done. That wouldn't be fair. And Scott also asked me if I'm currently seeing someone or have a boyfriend. Why ask that if he just wants sex? Why should he care whether I cheat or not if I was with someone if he just wanted sex from me?

I also wonder why Scott was so surprised when he found out I haven't dated because of my feelings for him. Does he not think someone could have such strong feelings for him or that he's not worth waiting for? Does he really think I dated during the time we've known each other? Or maybe thought I did after he left?

I feel so lonely with all of these thoughts. I had my therapy session on Tuesday and I went over a few things, but since my conversation with Scott last night, more has come up. Who else can I go to? I wouldn't go to any close or casual friends with this, and if I told my best friends, I know they wouldn't be very happy that I even let Scott through my door. Even if I did ask for someone's advice, they can't tell me what the right thing to do would be. I am completely alone with this.

I hope this isn't a losing game. I want to be treated right, as it's been such a very, very long time since I have been, and even then, it didn't last forever. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Also, the sun right now is inconjunt/quincunx my natal Saturn -__- like why did this have to happen right now, on the weekend?

Also, I follow YouTube and Instagram tarot accounts and they're always super accurate for me, but I figured I'll post one just this time on here since it's so related to this. I watched this video after I wrote all of the above stuff. I usually only choose one deck with the YouTube readings, but occasionally two decks will have equal energy, which occurred this time.

Group #2 - go with the flow and blend in to catch people in off-guard moments to see who they truly are. Observe them and listen more (as a Libra, I can very much get quiet and simply observe, which I have been doing with Scott). You are too tired to be in the spotlight and need time for privacy with your love life, not telling friends or family about it. You don't want to put yourself out there and invest in someone to realize this person was with you for the wrong reasons. You are not over-sharing at this time. You value yourself and don't want to get hurt, so you're guarding your heart. You're still open, but just getting to know someone. You know how far to go and when to protect yourself. You don't want to make the same mistakes like you did in the past. You want clarity and guidance. Someone may behave in a stupid manner and may try to play you, thinking they're smarter. However there is an opportunity with a dark male, whatever that means for you. This is more about energy than physical appearance, and could just be someone with a lot of masculine energy. You are highly desirable so this man wants to be closer to you. This person wants longevity with you, not a whirlwind affair. You need to let your wall down a little bit to let them know you're into them as they may question it and get insecure. Only do this when you're sure of who they are and their intentions. They are adventurous and spontaneous, and they may try to show off how cool they are. They may get clumsy and nervous though. You might have commitment-phobia and might want to run or self-sabotage. Avoid this. Someone will be offering genuine love and interest, so do not worry. Surround yourself with love and spend quality time with others in your life where you can let your guard down.

Group #3 - an earth sign (Scott is a Capricorn) is here as a romantic connection. It's only a matter of time before you connect and sparks fly and you know you're for one another (I'd like to stay sober now to really feel out his energy and the energy of our connection). They are very promising. Do not pre-judge this person and give them a fair chance. Don't jump to conclusions. Allow them the chance to prove they're trustworthy and worthy of being a part of your life in a romantic sense. Stick to making progress with other areas of your life. Someone you know is not dependable and sincere, so don't trust in confiding with someone else about this situation. They might be jealous (I can see this being my mom, as she gets very jealous whenever I am with other people). You may feel like something is lacking in your life, maybe caused by someone else. Someone may leave your life as this new person enters. You will be happy this person leaves. Be aware of any future problems, there will be signs from the universe. Zesty energy, emotion, and passion is coming. Your guides are trying to protect you from yourself. Don't let your anger take over or you'll be sorry. Try not to be triggered by others. You're being called to take yourself on a date and spend money on yourself. Remember to practice self-love. You can only feel fulfilled in your love life if you feel fulfilled in yourself first. Others may set their own expectations for your love life. Don't seek others approval. Remind yourself we are not separate from each other. We are all energy. Don't be judgmental just as you don't want to be judged. Your love life will be full of generosity and spending time together. Your dreams can become your reality, but you need to make the effort. (I feel like maybe I need to focus on my healing more often than I am). Put yourself out there. (ugh. Scary). Someone is feeling like it's time to let go of holding on too deeply and may not think you'll ever end up together. Could be someone you friend-zoned and they will finally give up on you and see you moving on. (I've friend-zoned quite a few people, so it's possible).

So yeah, I guess July has a lot of potential, and both readings were scary-accurate for how I'm currently feeling and perceiving things. So either Scott is out to deceive me or he has really good intentions. Guess I'll find out soon.