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#just something better than 'hello helmet' which feels impersonal
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My favorite Christmas present was Jedi: Survivor
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Bought myself Jedi: Survivor for Christmas and played for a while before discovering the in-game camera feature.
And of course, one of the better shots I've taken so far is of a Clone trooper helmet tucked away in the rafters of Pyloon's Saloon within Rambler's Reach on Koboh (which is probably my favorite planet to just wander around for fun).
Can't help but wonder who he was, and how his helmet ended up on Koboh in the Outer Rim.
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This sequestered chamber along the Pilgrim's Path on Jedha was a curious find. The head of the statue in the middle is broken off and missing, leaving it faceless. Reminded me of the hooded Jedi statues on Illum from Fallen Order, a little bit, where the space for the head is left vacant. I wonder who, or what, was perhaps at one time depicted here.
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These sculptures depicted here, however, are unmistakably Jedi. This is found in the Halls of Ranvell; the databank from BD's scan says it's about an ancient war. Little curious as to whether this pulls from an actual story in the franchise (and if it's Legends or Canon at this point), or if it's just narrative/lore padding for Survivor and nothing more.
Either way, I'm tempted to do some artwork of this and a few other things out of this game, at some point.
Every time I go exploring Jedha, I can't help but be reminded of home, too, living in the Southwestern region of the US. So the between the landscape, and the creepy skritons (which are VERY scorpion-like and Arachnophobia Mode does little to "fix" lmao), Jedha doesn't feel too alien a world to me. (And thinking about it having been to old prospecting towns, neither does Koboh, so much.)
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For all Tanalorr's pretty scenery, there's... not much to do beyond the storyline. Surprising, but also not. Lotta art inspiration, at least!
I wish the map to explore was bigger, honestly, because this looks to be some kind of (partial?) oceanic planet? There's a point where you can see a large body of water from some cliffs, way off in the distance.
Cal, BD, and the rest of the Mantis crew could really use a trip to the beach after all this, as well as a Star Destroyer's worth of therapy...
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Made this one the wallpaper for my laptop! 🩷
I'll have more screenshots coming in at a later time, but I thought I'd share these for now.
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7, 11, 12, 21, 33, 34, 41, 45, 51 - For my favorite Kingpin, Kovapaqe 💖 (I picked a lot so you don't have to answer them all if you don't want to 👉🏻👈🏻)
HI ELIZA!!! look at the two of us. taking solid months to ponder our blorbos
(from the weirdly specific asks)
7: What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell? As mun - KOVAPAQE IS AN EGGHEAD (to which he will whip around and yell 'THE FUCK?')
His best friend - The hunter Unihmawa, or better known as the Cavern Maw, uses a call and response tactic. "Kala 'kolo kuuwa?" → "Siiirok!" (It should be noted that failure to respond is allowing a full-scale search and rescue op.)
Rhysaa - All she has to say is his name, or any pet name they share. He will materialize out of thin nothingness to be at her side.
11: If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference? Kova's neat trick is how most of his nervous ticks are done physically behind his back, or they are otherwise hidden by his armor. Worrying this hands behind his hand, clenching and unclenching his jaw/grinding his teeth under his helmet, balling his toes up in his boots. You'd have to strip him bare just to be able to tell.. and only the real Kovapaqe would agree to do that. A pretender would only know his fiercely murderous Kingpin bravado, refusing to bend for any force, responding to insolence with violence.
12: What's something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific! Remembering the time he laughed at Rhysaa for wading hip-deep into a mud pit to retrieve her escaped jetpack.. and then in order to escape a particularly angry mama, he had to run chest-deep into the same mud pit. Number one event of make Kova start cracking up uncontrollably every time it crosses his mind - he swears he still hasn't been able to clean out all that muck ever since.
21: What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it? He doesn't think Hutts should be bowed to, as they've done no real work to earn their keep as a fat fuck up on a throne. They're just scheming and conniving, using other bodies for their bidding. But sure, he plays along, though he makes it very clear he is unhappy about it.
33: How do they greet someone they dislike / hate? You're not even getting a basic hello, he's just going to stare at you with all the contained malice of a blood borne predator. He will not make any effort to make you feel welcomed; as a matter of fact he is wishing he could be a Sith so he could telepathically scream at you to get the fuck out before he reduces you to mince meat.
34: How do they greet someone they like / love? Keldabe! Strong handshake/grasping forearms! Throwing shit at you because NO FUCKING WAY IT'S BEEN TOO LONG! Lots of loudness, cursing, he's standing on top of something just to be bigger than you but it's all fun and games!
41: What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else? He speaks Mando'a with a distinctly Kaasi-accented base; his Finder is a Force-null Pureblood who was exiled from their family.
And since Buir raised him from just months old, he's picked up: their ferocity in battle, absolute view of disrespect as a killable offense, passion and fervor for all things in life, a slightly guttural take on Basic pronunciations. He learned his metalworking and piercing skill from Buir.
45: What's something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately? By the fucking stars he cannot stand Hutts. Literally the Hutts. He fucking hates Hutts. Most of everything they stand for included.
51: What's a phrase they say a lot? "HUT'UUN!" to get all the ripe little cowards out of hiding so he can beat their asses.
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phinnsyreads · 5 years
Audio
The Last Man
It’s day 50 of freeze-dried beef stroganoff. Doctor Beckett swallows the meat and rice with a grimace. He’s made a challenge out of it, seeing how long he can eat the same meal without cracking. This is probably as far as he’ll go with this dish, beating his previous record with the chicken curry. At least if he stops here, he’ll have plenty of the beef left to break up the nutrient paste and vitamin pills, once the rest of the prepackaged meals run out.
I’m not looking forward to that day when I find this swill a treat, he thinks.
He looks out of the porthole, imagining the ventilation fans as a breeze blowing across the lunar plain. Not for the first time, he wishes he had tried to smuggle in just one pack of cigarettes. It wouldn’t have done any harm, in the end. Werner would have lost his mind if he’d found out, though.
Werney, the sour-faced, stuck-up bastard. Of all the people to be shot into space with, the O5s had to send me with Site 19’s tie-on-casual-Fridays Werney, the guy who thinks putting sugar in his cereal is the height of adventure. Maybe it’s for the best he went off. Living together, one of us would have by now.
Not a word. Not even an I’m-just-going-out-and-may-be-some-time. You didn’t even shake my fucking hand before you left.
God damn you, Werney.
Beckett thinks back to that day a few months ago, seeing Doctor Werner walking through the craters, heading towards the horizon. Opening a radio channel. “Hey, Werney, where are you going?”
The last words of Man. “Hey, Werney, where are you going?” Jesus Christ.
You didn’t have to explain yourself, or say something deep and meaningful. Hell, “Goodbye” would have been deep and meaningful enough for anyone. I’d have been satisfied with that.
If I’d gone after you, would you have come back?
No, you wouldn’t have come back. That’s why I didn’t say anything else.
God damn you, you bastard.
It was ironic, that gloomy, unsmiling Doctor Werner was the first one to snap, because in the end, it was because he was the positive one. He was the optimist. He believed the briefing from the O5s, that they were to get ready for the next wave of staff, the pioneers of New Humanity rising from the ashes. Even when they both knew no more shuttles were coming, he still thought the Foundation had something up its sleeve, that some portal would appear and the O5s would pop out to give them medals and take them back to the world as it was before.
I guess the day he walked out was when he knew we were the last ones left. I’m still here because, in the end, I was less hopeful than sour old Werney. What was the point of hoping, after they launched LEGIONNAIRE?
Beckett thinks back to the day when everything changed, when it started ascending from the gases of Jupiter. The President on television with the Overseers beside him, the wailing in the streets. The day he told Adrienne where he really worked.
And then, the miracles. Watching LEGIONNAIRE’s first test launch. Jimmy Kimmel making electromagnetic pulse jokes. His nieces and nephews, drawing crayon pictures of rockets and explosions and arguing about which missile was the best. The Pope leading the faithful in prayer to the world’s nuclear bombs in St Peter’s Square, the Lord’s angels made metal.
An end to wars. An end to pointless squabbles and petty politics. All the negative energies of mankind turned to purpose, with an outside threat so faceless, so impersonal, that all vitriol and hatred directed towards it became noble.
Most of the job involved disgust, fear, and at best, grim satisfaction, if things were well done. But those few months – I was proud of the Foundation. I was proud to say I worked there. I was proud to be a human being.
Maybe that was worth it.
Maybe I should be grateful to Werney. Now I can say I’m the last man on the moon. The anti-Armstrong to your anti-Aldrin. One small step for a man, one giant end for mankind.
Another half-remembered memory, of a bright-eyed graduating class at MIT, as Aldrin walks in, telling America’s newest engineers about dreaming and boldly going, cheers and screams from the crowd drowning out any substance of the speech. Shoving past friends and holding out a pen and scrap of paper, the prize following him to Boeing, Cape Canaveral and Site 19. Now returned to dust, like everything else. Suddenly, Beckett has an idea, and heads to the base storerooms.
It’s not like I have anything better to do.
...
A few hours later, the rover is loaded with supplies, and peels out of the garage, the door silently sliding closed behind it. A set of footprints trails into the distance, but the rover bounces in the opposite direction.
He dreams of the first time he went into space, and the last time. Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins are with him. Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, Beckett, Werner. The last manned mission to the moon. The last mission anywhere.
The rover comes to a stop, the beep of the autopilot waking Beckett from his slumber. He straps on his helmet, tapping the seals. The airlock opens with a hiss, and he bounds down the stairs. The lander is in front of him, flag standing stiffly at attention beside it. Beckett runs a glove over its metal legs, so awkward-looking to modern eyes. His hand comes to rest over Aldrin’s signature.
Did you ever think something like this would happen, Mr Aldrin?
If you’d gone ten years earlier, would it have changed anything?
What if you’d never gone at all?
Beckett suddenly feels weary, and begins to wonder why he came. He stands there, imagining the Stars and Stripes fluttering and the anthem playing, until his oxygen warning begins to sound, beneath a black sky and brown Earth.
He sleeps again on the journey back, dreaming of drawings of da Vinci’s flying machines, Florentine streets, chapel ceilings, drinking red wine with Adrienne.
...
When he returns, it’s one o’clock in the morning, Greenwich Mean Time. He’s missed his daily call, not that it makes a difference any more. Still, it’s best to keep to routines in this place. He boots up the base computer, cycling through the Sites. The live – well, one-second-delayed-live- camera feeds are still active, and he wonders why he needs to see the pictures as he calls, as if they were placed there by a mocking tormentor. Beckett brings up Site 19. The entrance guard tower has collapsed on top of the central building, and it looks like the cafeteria is now gone. The sky is a swirling, roaring mass of dust and sulfur, masonry and debris bouncing past like tumbleweeds, the leftovers of the human race.
Same ol’, same ol’.
He taps the transmitter button.
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM SITE NINETEEN. WE HAVE A CATEGORY ONE SITEWIDE FAILURE. CONTACT ALTERNATE COMMAND FOR ORDERS.
Hello, Site 19. Hello, overseers. Still not coming to get me, yeah?
Maybe Werney stepped into that portal and found his way back there. Maybe he finally found his sense of humour, and messed with the computer before he left. Everything’s back to normal there, and everyone’s sitting in the cafeteria right now, preparing my surprise party.
Werney, can you hear me? I know you can hear me, you bastard. Go back into that portal and come back here right now, you hear me? I want you back here.
“Werney, you bastard, I want you back,” Beckett mutters. “O5s, you can come here too, you hear me? You’ve got some explaining to do, and I don’t give a shit how much more you get paid or what super powers you have.”
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM SITE NINETEEN. WE HAVE A CATEGORY ONE SITEWIDE FAILURE. CONTACT ALTERNATE COMMAND FOR ORDERS.
“I want fucking Werner and the Overseers!” Beckett shouts.
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM SITE NINETEEN. WE HAVE A CATEGORY ONE SITEWIDE FAILURE. CONTACT ALTERNATE COMMAND FOR ORDERS.
“I want my old job back! I want my desk and my office!”
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM SITE NINETEEN. WE HAVE A CATEGORY ONE SITEWIDE FAILURE. CONTACT ALTERNATE COMMAND FOR ORDERS.
“I want my house and my car and – and my lawnmower! You can buy me a new fucking lawnmower! I want to see my brother and mom and dad! I want Adrienne back! I want a bottle of wine to drink with her, I want to see Italy again, I want – I want to see a real fucking ocean again! Not a fucking moon ocean, a real one, with real fucking water!”
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM SITE NINETEEN. WE HAVE A CATEGORY ONE SITEWIDE FAILURE. CONTACT ALTERNATE COMMAND FOR ORDERS.
Beckett slumps over the computer console, shaking with sobs.
“I want to turn on a TV and – and – and – see you say Legionnaire worked, it blew up that alien piece of shit, and it’s not the end of the world any more, it’s just es-see-pea two-three-nine-nine, it’s neutral – neutra – neutralized, and we sent that thing to hell.”
“I want my fucking world back.”
RECEIVING TRANSMISSION.
Beckett sits bolt upright, and grasps the seat armrest to steady himself.
NEW VIDEO FEED ACTIVE.
A colossal mass of alien machinery is on screen, hovering amidst the roiling atmosphere, covered in scorch marks from a thousand atomic blasts.
He falls back into the chair. Not his miraculous deliverance, just the ever-fickle voice-recognition software.
RECEIVING TRANSMISSION.
Another surge of adrenaline lurches him forward. With trembling hands, he presses the transmitter button.
All primary systems destroyed: Mission aborted All primary systems destroyed: Mission aborted All primary systems destroyed: Mission aborted
There is nobody around who can tell if the last man on the Moon is laughing or crying.
===
[The voice of the Doctor Beckett was provided by @iridethedirt.]
===
[Enjoy the podcast? Consider supporting us on Patreon! Patrons get access to bonus Joke episodes, outtakes, and can even request episodes on specific SCP objects.]
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dinoalexander · 5 years
Text
Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular
Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular... is ON! === “Time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Fireworks or Gunshots?” -BFG
“Goddamnit. I have to be the adult, don’t I?” -Gordon
“You can copy the format, you can copy the look, but you can’t copy culture!” -UBA
“Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this craziness.” -Kimberly
“Starting a petition to have Barbara Walters do the ball drop next New Years just to hear her say, ‘I’m Barbara Walters and this is 2020.’” -Chelsea
“Hello, Antonio Brown's Shiny Helmet Emporium, how can I help you? What's your pleasure?” -Carl
“Watch me whip out my Shenehneh.” -Gordon
“I feel like I’m watching one of my movies, because this whole damn thing sucks.” -John Cena
“I giggled.” -Michael
“I’m not saying BH90210 is the worst thing in the history of all recorded media, but if somebody had the theory that Luke Perry faked his own death to avoid any and all association with it, I would be willing to entertain that theory.” -Kevin
“Any day the key card works is a win.” -Joe Ovies
“She played a fiddle in an Irish band...” -Ed Sheeran “No she didn’t.” (Click) -Chico
“CBS was callin’, I’m Black Monty Hallin’.” -Wayne Brady
“Richard Quest on CNN!  He's gonna ask the rest of the 500 questions!” -Klaussie
“Work. What is this work bullshit?” -Gordon
“Verizon and Tegna, when the carriage agreement ended.” -MD
“I got my words! I got my friends! I got my words WITH my friends!” -Megan
“Thoughts and prayers to the Love Boat, who had her on so frequently her name probably appeared higher up on the call sheet than Isaac or Doc.” -Kevin
“Another fine product from Assmung.” -Carl
“Remember how I thought Adam Gase was a total piece of crap? I have been proven right. Fuck Adam Gase and the horse that rode in on him.” -Cyndi
“Walls? Where we’re going, we don’t need walls.” -Laura
“I’m a person who wants to be productive trapped inside a person who wants to sleep all day.” -Cortney
“Tommy Chong is a THC-list celebrity.” -JB
“Hey did you know that Francesa met Secretariat?” -Greg
“In a year when Black Panther told a story of a black superhero in a futuristic world struggling with real questions about how to deal with racial oppression, and BlacKkKlansman told a story of racial wounds in America that continue to this day and the need for allies to put themselves on the line, Best Picture went to Green Book, the story of a brilliant black musician as told through the white guy who drove him around. Okay.” -Kristin
“Advice: avoid sugar, Oregon Trail diseases, & women named in Mambo No. 5.” -Austin
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so will my poor eating habits and bad decisions.” -Sarah Pribis
“She was prepared to kill a cockroach with a baseball bat.” -me on overzealous providers
“I am the crocodonkey.” -Klauss
“Aaaaaand we just lost Quisla.” -C
“Can Scaramucci last longer than a Scaramucci?” -...I don’t know, somebody.
“I want dysentery! ... wait what?” -Kyle
“My boobs are not real.” -Gordon
“I want to stop this show and take 10% of you outside, right now!" -Chris Harrison
“OMG Parallel Universe me, stop it!” -C
“I figured out who should host the Oscars ... Colin Kaepernick! Dude still needs a job, right? Also, he’s like two or three times the size of Kevin Hart. I bet we could pay him the same amount, so it’s like getting a bargain! Of course, I’ll want a modest consulting fee from the Academy. Problem solved. You’re welcome.” -Clint
“How the hell am I supposed to put this thing together? Are there instructions or am I just supposed to wing it?” -C “Even IKEA gives me instructions in a foreign language and a tiny ass tool.” -Q
"The only place you see Success before Work is in the Dictionary: -Mauro Ranallo NXT Takeover Phoenix
“A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klauss
“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food.” -Gordon
“Time to play “Sexy or Sleepy”?” -C
“... that means ‘Eff you, you, you, and you’.” -Jason “That’s my autobiography right there.” -Gordon
“The magic thing about home is it feels good to leave but it feels better to come back.” -Emily “Home is a bit like that.” -C
“Thoughts and prayers to Ryan Stiles, who has lost his go-to celebrity impression.” -BB
“Hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to, USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!” -Q
“What, you think people do coke once?” -Greg
“I can read off a TelePrompTer like a motherfucker.” -Kristen Bell
“‘Thank God we will be able to see more Pat Buchanan on TV’ said no one ever. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the last thing that is needed is another show featuring a panel of bloviating pundits. I get it. It’s cheap and easy to produce. But so is p*rn.” -Kevin, on The McLaughlin Group
“After watching HQ Words you wonder why Anna Roisman hasn't hit the big time yet. After watching HQ After Dark, you can completely understand why.” -Gordon
“If I die tonight, I want two of the Woodpeckers, two of the Football Tar Heels, and two of the Panthers to serve as my pallbearers so they can all let me down one more time.” -C, on Bad Sports Week 2019
“The first time is flattery, the second time is a lie.” -Michael
“I went to the mall with my pops. I saw something driving to there that truly shocked me. Someone had an orange Ford F650 extended cab pick up truck… With duallies… A rolling coal smokestack… And hubcaps with spikes on each of the nuts. And my only thought was… “My God… It must be MICROSCOPIC!” -Brian
“Would’ve expected to see “Employees must wash hands before returning to work”, posted in the restroom, but alright NOLA, still good looking out I guess...” -Casey
“Because....um.....going from a 40 to a 33 waist apparently makes people want to bed you.” -Gordon
“Breaking news: Idiot talks to idiot on a channel watched by idiots.” -Kevin
“Screaming tree maraca!” -Dahlia
“Looks like I fell down on the job.  Metaphorically, because literally would make me Oprah Rich and I'd be full of imported cheese right now.” -Laura
“In another decade or so, somebody is going to make a documentary on Ken Burns documentaries. The TRT will be 152 years.” -Kevin
“May your 2019 be filled with happiness, prosperity, great cocktails,  laughter, and Waffle House when you need it most.” -Rick Wilson
“There are sober people in England... No there’s not!” -Mike the CD
“Oh... oh.... oh....” -Q “IT’S MAGIC!” -C
“And finally, some of y’all still out here begging (I’m mean, pure, unadulterated BEGGING) for attention (I’m talking ANY attention) and validation. Lord Jesus put that sadness away. Just put it away.” - Michael
“I’m thinking of a number. The number is 10. You go first.” -JD
“Also, I would take tasteful pics of me making pizza naked. I'm only 30 and I'm only gonna look like this once.” -Kimberly D
“I have ADD. You wanna ride a bike? I’m gonna drink some water. Rooooooam if you want to... This coffee’s really delicious. I’m a sucker for you.” -Q
“Matthew Judon... Body built by Taco Bell.” -Matthew Judon, professional football player
“YEAH!!!! 1943, BITCH!” -my response to Q’s retelling of the events leading up to the Battle of Midway.
“Depending upon the inflection (Bless your heart) can mean anything from “oh you poor thing” to “would you lend me your brain?, I’m building an idiot”.” -Brian
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” -LiyaZee
“That is a giant banana!” -Chris Ahearn, re: a giant banana “Why thank you!” -JB
“Betty White the Happy Homehooker.” -C
“I'll only have a hamberder if I can have it with covfefe.” -The Governess
“I will never forget when you surprised my ass in Atlantic City. That was the weekend of the Press Your Luck Prime Rib.” -JB “That was my first taste of the juice.” -Chico “And you been on the corner... ever since... looking for a fix.” -JB
“Sounds like a generic dude who owns the Ford dealership in every single city in America.” -BFG’s response to “Who is Tom Steyer?”
“Time to switch to Channel 7...” -Cyndi, getting ready to launch a Dallas recap style recap
“The only difference I've noticed this year is that now I get told, "OK Boomer", when I complain about holiday creep.” -Trey
“A 21st Century Koan... If a vegan that sold essential oils begin doing CrossFit… Which would they tell you about first?” -Brian
“Sorry I shoved my hair in your face.” -Christina
“You are turning into a Burberry wearing, wine drinking, charcoal mask wearing kinda guy... AND I COULDN’T BE PROUDER!” -Q
“Instead of airing new Love Island episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug “CBS is better off running Secret Talents of thr Stars.” -Gordon
“How far along are you?” -some guy “Oh, about six burritos and about a dozen cupcakes.” -Kimberly
“Answers and bribes go into the Corona Extra bucket.” -Michael
“Dear God, Please watch over Cole Anthony’s shoes.” -C
“What’s that scent you’re wearing? Oh, a little something I call washing your ass.” -Q
“You ever just wish there was a coffee delivery service? .... I do.” -Kathleen
“I’m just another brother with a game show.” -BFG
“(Unintelligible) ... Thicke of the niiiight.” -Greg’s impersonation of Gilbert Gottfried’s impersonation of Alan Thicke
“Antonio Brown doesn’t need football - ‘They’re going to play by my rules.’ A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klaussie
“You keep your head high and your middle finger higher.” -Alex
“There has to be a more scientific name for the penis. ... Intermittent organ?” —Gordon “That sounds pretentious enough to be scientific.” -C
“Zooey is saved for awkward sexy stories. Jeff Zucker is someone I don't want associated with "sexy stories".” -Dane
“Ryan is as Canadian as it gets. I think he bleeds maple syrup.” -C
“Turns out Gillette doesn’t work well with sensitive skin after all.” -Ben Rejmer
“Are you drinking something funny there, sunshine?” -Statboy
“It's so cold out here on the east coast that Jim Dolan, the brilliant genius that he is, decided to warm the citizens of Manhattan up and turn MSG into a giant dumpster fire.” -Gordon
“Ziggy is my spirit animal.” -C
“It may sound bougie, but.. you look good, you play good. You play good... they PAY good.” -Cam Newton
“We could be flying Pan Am Clippers to Venus. But MTV stopped playing music, legalized weed, and elected Donald Trump.” -C
“I get it. Tom Brady = deflated balls. Alex Guerrero = "inflates them". Hookers like Tom Brady. Damn, Alex Guerrero is better than Viagra.” -Klaussie
“I think I found the pony under the pile of shit." -Kimberly
“Skype sucks ass.” -Gordon
“In this troubled times, I like to put my hand over the  kidney in my heart, stare at the moon of Mars contemplating how the wheel is older than the wall, the great things Frederick Douglas is doing  & just being thankful I have ID to buy cereal, thankful for George Washington Airport victories & I don't have Windmill cancer.” -Trent Capelli...Twitter
“Sugar isn't "worse than cocaine."  You're not killing yourself by ingesting sugars either in foods or in your coffee.  People who are selling you weightloss programs want to tell you that you're killing yourself but there is no scientific evidence that sugar kills humans.   Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.” - Shrub
“I found a love...” -Ed Sheeran “No you didn’t.” (Click) -Chico
“Many of you are wondering about my mental state after the Vols game last night. I assure you last night I slept like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry...” -Brian
“If you paid $7 for a Jack & Coke, you got jacked.” -Klaussie “... and Coked.” -C
“Rich Eisen getting triggered by an f’n commercial for 9-1-1 because it featured a fictional situation in a place where his kid goes to is the most white guy thing ever.” -Greg
“And now that your reagent is all nice and mixed and all the chemicals have gotten to know each other, gently put the reagent cartridge onto the instrument. Gently... GENTLY, YOU IDIOT!” -C, to himself
“... goddamned hula shirt.” -Q
“The person who wrote the article needs to be taken in the back and have their writing license revoked. And then shot. And then never be allowed to touch a keyboard again. And then have their hands chopped off.” -Gordon
“They got Bowzer next to Barbi Benton, the lucky son of a bitch.” -C
“Here's what gets me every time I see the trailer for the Cats movie...these are all successful actors. Like...nobody in this movie actually needs to do this.” -Lana
“I made Chico donate $24 to Extra Life.” -Gordon
“You guys are compact cars like I’m a gay, wasted white girl.” -Q
“HQ is like the divorced dad with a much younger, hippy dippy, girlfriend-- and the kids don't want to visit.” -Amberlee
“Suck down your coffee like you own it!” -Hollie
“DRUM SOLO!!!” -Weird Al
“You know when you’re a podcaster you need a good vocabulary. I did always have one. When I was young I mixed up Jacuzzi and Yakuza. And for a while I was in hot water with the Japanese mafia.” -Brian
“It’s game of thrones, but I’m much less Jon Snow and much more Johnny Mudstorm.” -Gordon
“Skype is being a ho.” -Jason
“It's a less-sensitive Soul Man, in a time we need no such shit.” -Klauss
“I thought you were gonna get a room.” -Chapel Hill Phil “I thought you were gonna mind your business.” -Chico “.... that’s fair.” -CHP
“For those of you who are upset about being single on Valentines Day, remember this... 99% of my socks are single but you don’t see them crying about it!” -Connor
“They are selling CBD oil at Bed Bath and Beyond?! I’m sure that’s quality stuff. Honky, please!” -Christina
“She is twisted. If she swallowed a nail, she’d shit out a corkscrew.” -Q
“Oh Taylor Swift. Patron saint of Pride Month. Thank God for straight white girls.” -Michael
“Apollo’s Chariot: “I’m the biggest baddest hypercoaster on the eastern seaboard.” Intimidator 305: “... Bless your heart.” Fury: “Both of you can hold my sweet tea.”” -C
“I don't know you and I sure as heck don't know your sister.” -Klaussie
“Nothing makes you stronger than having no choice in the matter. You’re strong because you have to be.” -Christina’s dad
“Apparently people have mistaken my professional courtesy with genuine interest.” -Michael
“Jon Bauman, you dingleberry!” -Chico a la James May
“Bad enough it’s Scott but it’s Comic Sans, so that makes it even worse.” -Nick “Gentlemen... start your whacking!” -Cyndi “PHRASING!” -Jay, Chico, JVG
“As Robert Downey Jr. once said...” -Cindy
“Whenever I see a married couple with a joint Facebook page, I never, ever have any thought other than "I wonder which one of 'em cheated."” -Adam
“Why is Dan Orlovsky talking football and why should I take anything Safetyman says seriously?” -Cyndi
“Okay, you're a billionaire and can easily afford top-of-the-line call girls at $5,000 to $10,000 an hour and you go to a sleazy massage parlor where the women smell like lavender and shame (so I've heard).” -Steve
“My floor is occupied with eggs.” -Gordon
“Quis, your thing is making noise. Can you make it... not make noise?” -C
“I’ve been waiting at the phone for 29 years hoping someone can win this cruise!” -Klaussie
“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food. #WelcomeBackToLeague #BowlerCityThievery #CheckingTheCamerasAfterLeague.” -Gordon
“I'm proud to say I only cried five times.  Admittedly, once was during the opening credits...” -Prof. O
“Phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle
“Okay, the shirt I was wearing when Liza gave me a slimy hug...I wanted to keep wearing it but I also loved the way the slime stains looked on it, so I waited six weeks to wash it so the slime stains would be totally set in. I just did laundry and there’s not a slime stain to be found anywhere on this shirt. On the one hand, mildly disappointed, but on the other hand, holy crap, Tide just made a customer for life out of me.” -Adam
"Really, you don't go back to the crazy ex-girlfriend. You leave her in the insane asylum." -Rafael Siegel, former Cash Show host
“Don't slap Charlotte in her boobs, you're just making her ANGRY!” -Brian
“Is it bigger than a Bird Box?” -Adam Nedeff’s take on What’s My Line?/Bird Box
“That song Birthday Sex is depressing when it’s your birthday and you have no sex.” -Red
“Politics politics politics Sean Spicer politics politics politics DWTS politics politics politics shimmy shimmy shimmy politics politics politics *tea sip*” -Kimberly
“We may need to add Brie Larson to the "How big is Batista's dick?" question list.” -Dane
“Chico and I not only know that we;re going to Hell, we requested a nice suite, complete with kitchen, spa and bidet, Aaron is coming also. We should have room in the suite for more if you want to join us.” -Gordon
“If Bill Cosby is telling you to get out, get out.  Else, you'll get a dinner drink with a special surprise.” -Klauss
“Hey, what’s coming out this May?” -Q “(Incoherent slurring)” -C “Really? Who’s in it?” -Q “Ryan Reynolds, I dunno.” -C
“I feel like Neville Longbottom with a remembrall.” -Amberlee
“Comically oversized shit sells. It's America, bigger is better.” -Jessica
“You’ve heard of salt in a wound or lemon juice on a paper cut... but have you heard of Oxi Clean powder on a fingernail you cut too short? Pro tip: avoid that.” -Coby
“I have an idea.” -Q “OH NO!!!! NOT AN IDEA!!!!” -C
“Truck contains political promises.” -actual septic truck
“Uhh... framing?” -C
“It’s very easy to get friends on these apps if you say you’re a hot chick.” -Gordon
“Woodstock 50 cancelled after organizers determined they can’t make it as hilarious as Fyre Fest.” -Adam
“Age and wisdom divorced decades ago. Stupid people get old too.” -Austin
“They put some extra claps in this.” -C, re: CS2019 theme
“I hope she’s dreaming the biggest, bestest dreams... and I hope she never stops.” -Kathleen, on her new little girl.
“You think it’s awkward buying condoms, try returning them!” -Q
“If Mississippi State wins the Outback Bowl, we all get free Bloomin' Onions. If Iowa wins, we all get free Coconut Shrimp. If that's not reason enough to root for Iowa, I don't know what to tell you.” -Matty
“Full hearts, full stomachs, can’t poop.” -Evil Travis
“That's it. Officially referring to my boobs as my "small turkeys".” -LiyaZee
“More phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle
“Tried watching pre-debate coverage, but the phrase "brutal Darwinian logic of winnowing" sent me back to Press Your Luck.” -Heather
“...if we hold up a painting of Hurricane Dorian, will it die?” -Amberlee
“Hey Cindy... you married that.” -C
“Literatively? Okay.” -Gordon
“I plan on going with Chef from South Park's line on that one -- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college."” - Kristin, on “Break Up With Your Girlfriend (Because I’m Bored)”
“Allegiant Stadium. Much like the Raiders... A WORK IN PROGRESS.” -C
“Nobody could sing like Milli Vanilli… But let’s be fair neither could they.” -Brian
“Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH!” -Nedeff’s lyrics to the love theme from “Strike It Richl by Hal Hidey
“In God we trust, all others must provide research-based, peer-reviewed data.” -Aryn
“Go-gurt™: because fuck spoons and decency.” -Sarah Ann
“Like I said ESPN is to the Patriots what FOX News is to the Republican Party.” -Greg
“That is like walking hepatitis.” -Tim DeLaGhetto
“Will there be any trivia questions on your trivia question show?” -Erskine
“I’m a journalism major, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” -BFG
“That’s Right is the Adam Gase of trivia apps.” -Greg
“And yes, Bill Maher does in fact molest collies, and goats...and sheep...and Chicago Bears. 😜” -JVG
“In the words of my dear uncle Paul, ‘Google it, bitch! I’m not here to educate you!’” -Nikki
“You know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?” -Megan “A doctor!” -C
“You can never win an argument with an idiot or an asshole. Idiots don’t know they’re wrong, and assholes won’t even consider the possibility that they could be wrong. You can’t help it if you’re an idiot sometimes, but don’t be an asshole. Just something to think about going into 2019.” -Clint
“No Ganos is good Ganos with Graham Gano.” -Tim
“Enough loonies to fill up the Bank of Montreal.” -Klauss
“In the age of auto correct no less, it makes me shudder when I see the leader of the free world making fifth grade grammar mistakes.” -Q
“You look like who did it and why.” -Mary
“Ow, my check! ... I mean, ow, my neck!” -Big Rick
“This woman on Wheel of Fortune has two grandchildren named Kennedy and Nixon, and I have questions.” -Melanie
“You’re the President of the United States and getting dragged by fucking Burger King. It’s just... wonderful.” -Shannon
“Classy, Like a White House Big Mac.” -Actual team trivia name
“Sex is a mistake 9 out of 10 times.” -Michael
“Who signs the cat?” -Carl
“This feels like an SNL sketch. Where’s Bill Hader?” -Greg
“Yeah! And uh...I played HQ with one of them in a hotel room. Wait, that sounds creepy.�� -BFG “More than that.  (No, THAT sounds creepy.) You have played online trivia with one of them.  Surely you ran into or at least saw others in Vegas.” -Klaussie
the subject: The Jeopardy! All-Stars
“Step 1: Go to McDonald's. Step 2: Order a Shamrock Shake. There, now you don't have to read the article.” -Prof. O via Evil Travis. The question: “How to order a Shamrock Shake.”
Lunch lady: “Hey Dino! Get me a grape soda! I’m thirsty!” C, after an insane amount of giggling: “You said it, not me.”
“Some bitch decided she wanted to be a bitch.” -C
AP headline on Twitter: "Tim Tebow struggling in Triple-A; still a work in progress." GSNN: "Funny -- so was 'Million Dollar Mile'."
“The Bosa brothers = MAGA Gronk.  Don't @ me.” -Klauss
“... BASSOON SOLO!!!!!” -Weird Al
Greg: “Crying Game Cereal. A surprise in every box.” (Everyone dies for, like, five minutes) Chico: “... I’m going to HQ.... YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!”
“Aunt Becky has some stupid kids.” -Austin Rogers
“I wanna be 21 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas.” -Sarah Pribis
“Mannnn listen!! It's time to just throw the whole R. Kelly away!!” -Bruce
“By the time all is said and done, I will have been awake for 24 hours.” -C “Rookie.” -G
“Instead of airing new LI episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug
“Well they went over as well as a ham sandwich at a kosher deli.” -Q
“Drop it and get out of here!” -Carl’s boss
“The call is coming from inside the wheelhouse.” -Ullsperger
“I am the Marquis de Asshole.” -Gordon
“Elizabeth Banks’ ass is America’s ass.” -C, with apologies to Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, and Bill Carruthers
“Don't have an iPhone or iPad? Maybe you can beg at the boots of your betters, proletariat scum!” -Megan
“Tom Brady and Bob Kraft shaking hands and whispering into each other’s ear... ‘Hail Hydra’.” -C
Jason (discussing the Masked Singer): “The Hippo was ANTONIOOOOOOOO Brown!” Brian H: So THAT'S how the Madden Curse happened this year.
“Manish Mehta is on 92.3 The Fan right now.  My first thought after hearing him for 5 seconds:  He sounds like Aziz Ansari as The Bookworm on that SNL GSN show parody a few years ago.” -Klaussie
“Look at me, I’m Sandra Bullock.” -Nick
"That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? TEA DAMMIT!" — LiveJournal user jslayeruk
“Temporary emotions lead to permanent mistakes!” -C
“Tuesday night wasn’t just biscuits. Roy Williams went ahead and got the dirty rice to go with it.” -Adam Lucas after Carolina made State humble, 113-96
“Shaka... when the paywalls fell.” -Kevin
“Barbi Benton... ROLL TIDE!” -Greg
“I love when you ask for recommendations for establishments, services, recipes, products, etc., and people respond with, "Did you Google it?" Like, Thanks, Karen! I hadn't thought to use the easily-accessible, number one search engine in the world before! I'm totally not looking for recommendations based on actual experience from personal friends who will give me honest feedback, so I'm glad you directed me to Google!” -Cindy
SWSNBN: “Can your cover for me while I eat my sandwich?” C: “Go eat your sandwich.” SWSNBN: “I’ve got nothing going on.” C: “You’ve doomed us all. Go eat your sandwich.”
“If life gives you lemons remember: life was very honest about how many people it'd been with.” -Austin
“Two hours after lunch is still after lunch! BOOK SAY SO!” -C
“Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right, three rights make a left, and I’m Kyle Serra, quiz responsibly.” -Kyle
Q: “The answer fell into the pizza!” C: “Well now not only is it correct, it’s delicious.”
“Tom Brady just got the sixth stone. Half the NFL is about to vanish.” -Nikki
“I’m Max Essodus and I’m leaving!” -Klauss
“Chuck Todd is a bowl of Jello with a bad goatee and a shitty hair cut.” - @PhillyLocalGuy
“Leonard Frey! Leonard Frey! Anytime you call, Leonard will take care of you! Winter, Spring and Fall!” -Chico
“I THINK I’M BREAKING EVERY FCC RULE IN THE BOOK!” -Kevin Harlan calling two NFL games at the same time
“Horrible news to report, Baby Yoda has died after Myles Garrett beat the shit out of him with a helmet.” -Barry McCockiner
“The Yankees are like Roman Reigns: they’re good, everybody still hates them, and they always kick out of your finisher shm” -Mike Janela
“My nightmare is being stuck working for a guy that looks like Chris Cillizza” -@ChadShartman
“Mel Gibson/Rothschild casting is most inspired decision since Richard Spencer was chosen to write the screenplay for the new Frederick Douglas parody bio pic.” – Josh Marshall
“OOOOH! A LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY!” - Chris Jericho
“Minecraft? HELL NO!” -Amberlee at RewardTheFan on Minecraft RewardTheFan
“109876543210, Happy New Year!” – Kyle @ Trivia Crack
“LYDIA CORNELL IS NOT A BIMBO!” -Mike
Tony Stark: “Hey, you said one out of fourteen million, we'd win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Doctor Strange: “If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.”
America, let me just tell you something, do not commit crimes with checks.” –Charles Barkley
“I bet George Halas and Pop Warner are up there now coaching Angels in the Heaven Bowl.” –Cord Hosenbeck
“The director saw Green Book and was inspired to make a bigger disaster of a movie about race.” –From the IMDb Trivia Page for Loqueesha
“Drew Brees and Harry Styles fighting over a Pepsi is Peak 2010s.” -Chico
“The aging app? I didn’t know there was an app that helped Mike Maccagnan make his freaking draft picks!!!” -@DAitken90
“For all the notes and stats FOX gave out, they missed that this was the very first post-season game in history where two wife-beater closers gave up two-run home runs in the 9th.” -Ken Levine
Chico: “Man, Bowzer ruined this!” Mike: “Just like the second half of the show Bowzer ruined this!”
“Amazon Suggestion for David Pecker: Because you considered “Blackmailing the Richest Man Who Ever Lived,” we recommend you “Get an Orange Jumpsuit.” –Stephen Colbert
“When in doubt, choose Helium!” –Megan
“They should make a Mistress Pac-Man. Ghosts chasin’ her around the apartment Pac-Man rents for her, eatin’ all the strawberries and chocolates he sends and whatnot. Then the last level Ms. Pac-Man is after her ass like “Oh HELL no that’s MY round yellow man!!!” –George Wallace
“God is a woman and her name is Hailee Steinfeld” -@dakotalanthimos
“I stopped by the Statue of Liberty today, thinking about freedom, and the ability to go for it all.” –Bill Walton at the Pac-12 Tournament in Las Vegas talking about being at the NY-NY Casino
“today marks LaGuardia Airport’s first positive contribution to America.” –Jack Holmes on the end of the Late 2018-Early 2019 Government Shutdown
“BEAT THAT GHOST DICK!” -Matt Richards
Greg: “What if the Monster on The Masked Singer is Michael Cohen?” Mike: “If it is that will almost guarantee there won’t be a second season of The Masked Singer.”
“Roger Clemens tried to smash Mike Piazza’s head with a baseball bat and was still less of an asshole than Curt Schilling.” -@[email protected]
“I love all the diversity in Star Wars. There’s brown people and someone with a Boston accent” -Dani Fernandez
“I don’t care that Brock Lesnar won Money In The Bank, I want to know if Brett Somers won Money In The (BLANK)” -Mike
“Woodrow Wilson even with a stroke was sharper than Donald Trump is today.” –David Frum
“THE JABRONI OF THE JABRONI MOVIE FOR THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDE JABRONI NEED TO HAVE THE MOST EXCELLENT LEADING HEAL TO MAKE THE IRON SHEIK LOOK LIKE THE LEGEND. PROBLEM NOBODY HEAL ENOUGH TO BE THE LEGEND. THIS WAY ONLY PERSON THAT TAKE THE CHRIS HEMSWORTHLESS LOOK LIKE HE THE REAL BABYFACE IS THE LEGEND IRON SHEIK. OTHERWISE THIS MOVIE WORSE THAN THE NOTEBOOK AND WORSE THEN THE JABRONI BETTE MIDLER BEACHES” –The Iron Sheik
“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass!” - Scott Lang “That is America’s Ass.” - Steve Rogers “America’s Ass? Are you talking about Tom Villard?” - Mike
“Oh Jesus, it’s Jimmie Walker’s turn!” –Chico
“Where’s the Robert Kraft spa video? I’d rather watch a video of my own funeral.” –Gerard Mulligan
“So, does Jeff Zucker have to completely cause CNN to lose money and get devalued so badly it gets bought out by Comcast for him to replace Vince Russo as “worst Turner Broadcasting hire ever?” -Dane
“I was just researching Mark Russell as a "Whatever happened to...?" He's still alive.” –Matt Jones
“And all of ESPN and FS1’s morning shows are just the worst. People who watch them actually come away dumber for doing so. I don’t understand the appeal of watching idiots on either network yell biased opinions at each other...many of which are lacking context or facts beyond what they see on a caption of a social media post. It’s like going to a comment section and watching arguments.” -Dylan White on the Awful Annoucing Facebook comments section
“Hunter, Kiss my ass.” –Dave Bautista
“The fact that the CEO of twitter can have his account hacked is a blinding indictment of twitter’s security policies. The fact that no one could tell the difference is a blinding indictment of jack himself.” -@ChrisSmith_RSB
“I don’t know anybody who loves or even likes Trey Wingo.” -@SlicedBrett
“A Madea Star Wars” must now be a thing…” –Amberlee
“People are like "the New York Post is bad for that cover, subscribe to the Daily News instead!" as if the Daily News didn't run a screencap of a woman being murdered on it a few years back. They're both pure trash. Neither are better.” -Craig Calcaterra
“Tim Burton’s Dumbo brings out Michael Buffer TWICE to say “Let’s get rrready…for Dumbo!” and I laugh again every time I think about it.” –Ken Jennings
“Who the hell is Dr. Lee Franz?” –Jason H.
“I was in the theater and that moment was revealed and the audience was “OOOOH!” and I just was laughing so hard!” –Ron Burgundy remembering the ending of “The Crying Game”
“Ladies and Gentleman… whatever legitimacy pro wrestling has left literally crawled under the ring.” –Chico critiquing the workrate of Colin Jost
“BANODLES, ARE YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING, YOU SON OF A BITCH?” -MIKE
“Can y'all imagine if the Gremlins and Jason Vorhees both attacked at the same time that would be some difficult shit to deal with anyway talk to you later” -George Wallace
“Trump getting impeached over the Ukraine is a little like Scorsese getting the Oscar for The Departed, but hey recognition is recognition.” -John Ross Bowie
“Alex Trebek is a fixture in the American firmament and we're all behind him. What a great man, so kind to my family and so warm to all of us contestants. Send him your love.” -Austin Rogers
“Rather than bore you with my expansive knowledge of British politics, allow me to comment on more pressing matters: drunken Chris Jericho getting his belt stolen” -Mike Tunison (@xmasape)
“Only ESPN would do a feature on Robert Kraft taking former players to Jerusalem — while he awaits trial for soliciting prostitution in a sex trafficking ring.” -@willgcopeland
“Looking forward to the “In Memory of Jim Cornette’s Career” graphic that will be starting Dynamite.” - Trevor Dame
“Tom Steyer sounds like a guy who airs MLK and Columbus Day ads, where you can get a new Mustang or Fusion for up to $6,000 off MSRP” - BFG
“Eh, what’s her name? Her name Barry Lonson. She’s in da, she won Oscar for the movie “Stuck In The Basement”. Also, she’s in the movie “Kink Kong: He Got Love With Her” but how he make sex with her, she’s young, she’s small and he big. I don’t know?” -Yehya reviewing Captain Marvel
“To this day nobody knows who Ann Risley is.” -Chico
“Heartbreaking: there is apparently no video I can find of this moment, where a robot named "Mr. Scraps" delivered a ball to James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek), who had just arrived in a dry-ice-and-laser-bathed Delorean to throw out the first pitch in "The Biodome". Please enjoy this real quote from the Mariners former VP of marketing: "We named the robot Mr. Scraps, because it looked like a garbage can on wheels. Not exactly what we were expecting, but it served its purpose." [email protected]
MC Cool Cloud: “No union better mess with my family!” Cloud 9 Employee in Training Video: “Oh, MC Cool Cloud, (pats stomach) you’re gonna be the best dad.” Garrett: “I’m sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?” Mateo: “I think he did.” “I’m in shock, Gene. I just talked to my accountant and I found out this guy made 30 grand and I’m working for minimum scale.” -Marty Cohen on MG-HSH Episode #12 “It would be kind of weird for a person named Tammy to be played by Tim Dunigan.” -Mike
“Chico's brain only has so much memory.  It's either the capital of Botswana, or something you rambled at 3AM while white-girl wasted.   Only one of those nuggets of wisdom is a panty-dropper, and I think we all know which.” -Laura
“So, the audience for SNL seems to be comprised of easily offended Catholics, YouTube “influencers”, and Trump. But Lorne Michaels still thinks he shouldn’t retire? Because if I learned those people watched something I produced, I’d eschew all technology forever and go live in one of those Unabomber log cabins.” -Kevin
“Morning report: The "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd sure gets triggered easily.” -Rick Wilson
“ZIPPERS?!” -Klauss
“We’s considerin’ buddies.” -C
“Automan’s naked and wearing a belt? I don’t get this!” -Klaussie
“You were standing in his crotch!” -Anna
“I am utterly surprised there were no traces of Batman cereal yet Greg's dad made at least 2 appearances.” -Klaussie
“Next time, can you pick a gas station that ISN’T in the middle of nowhere?” -C
“Did Isaac ever deliver cold hard cash direct to your PayPal account? No!” -Greg
“Too many phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle
“Semi-Quotable of the 2010s--Hundreds of quips enter, Adam Nedeff wins because he's funny and he has half of Hollywood under his thumb.” -Klaussie
“You’re not you when you’re thirsty.” -Q, the Double Entendre of the Year
“Nobody ever robbed a convenience store to get sugar money.” -Brandon
“If you're mad at rich peoples kids for getting special acceptance/treatment at college and you aren't mad about all the athletes that get the same thing you're a hypocrite. Ya'll leave Aunt Becky alone.” -Stephanie
“Damn it! I used too much stick.” /Ethan
“And her tights say two cents a dance.” -Kimberly
“Go home, That’s Right. You’re clearly on meth.” -Evil Travis
“I paid $700 for THAT?!” -Klaussie
“Florida is now under a Jim Cantore watch.” -Braden
“Good Brother, but Bad Mother!” -Gordon
“Dude. Even Nike hates Duke!” -D
“For 15 points, Will Smith’s arrogant cousin Hillary appeared in an episode of NBC’s hit sitcom Blossom. Another episode of blossom featured Don Novello playing the role of Father Guido Sarducci, and Father Guido Sarducci also popped up on an episode of Married...With children. Stay with me here. David Faustino’s character Bud Bundy also popped up all the Fox network sitcom Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In another episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Parker crosses paths with grown-up Eddie Haskell, who of course,We all remember from Leave It to Beaver. His next-door neighbors, June, Wally, and Beaver Cleaver were all characters in an episode of the Love Boat. Now there is this other episode of the Love Boat where all of Charlie’s Angels are on board. In an episode of Charlie’s Angels, Dan Tanna shows up from Vega$. But that’s not important right now. Remember when I said Parker Lewis had crossed paths with Eddie Haskell? Well Eddie also popped up on an episode of Hi Honey I’m Home. So did Gale Gordon‘s character Mr. Mooney, who you might remember from the Lucy Show. There’s an episode of the Lucy Show where Lucy crosses paths with Private Gomer Pyle, USMC, who, of course originally appeared on the Andy Griffith show, which was a spinoff of Make Room for Daddy. On an episode of Make Room for Daddy, Danny encounters Buddy Sorrell, one of Alan Brady’s writers on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Alan Brady later appeared on Mad About You, where Ursula was the twin sister of Phoebe from Friends, and Phoebe’s friend Chandler Bing showed up on Caroline and the City, where Caroline draws a popular comic strip that is read and enjoyed by Daphne Moon, the caretaker for Dr. Frasier Crane’s disabled father. Dr. Crane used to hang out at a Boston bar called Cheers, where Norm, Cliff, and Carla encounter Drs. Auschlander & Westphall, but on a landmark 1988 broadcast, we learn that Drs. Auschlander & Westphall never existed and that all of the shows I mentioned in this question are logically the figments of the imagination of Tommy Westphall, Who is the only character who demonstrably existed on what beloved medical drama?” -Adam
“Snapchat Catch Phrase!” -Will & Erinn
“#1800235DEAD!” -...damn near everybody
“Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners.” -Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners
“This tea is delicious.” -Kimberly === Here’s to 2019... Come together, just think of tomorrow.
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afterspark-podcast · 5 years
Text
G1 Episode 24: Transcript
Episode Show Notes
[This can also be found on AO3!]
[Stinger]
O: --Or Solus took a rib from Solus and genetically engineered his wife.
S: [laughing in the background]
[Intro Music]
O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast!  An episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls!
S: And I'm Specs.
O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 24, “A Prime Problem.”  Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?
S: Um-hmm.  And today we open with the Decepticons next to a freshly created glowing ravine.
O: They had apparently detected some sort of rare energy on their sensors.
S: Starscream, is completely ready to dive in headfirst, but Megatron stops him, as he cites that the energy could be unstable.
O: Once bitten, twice shy, eh, Megs?
S: [sighs] Megatron's decided he cares about his subordinates today.
O: [laughs]
S: The Decepticons apparently have a- kind of an equivalent of Roller, called an Autoscout.
O: This is actually kind of fascinating to me.  Not only because the name, ‘Autoscout,’ sounds like it should be an Autobot thing, but also because this is another cassette that Soundwave sends out, that's weirdly colored like Rumble for some inexplicable reason.  But I like that the normal cassettes like Ravage, um, Rumble, Frenzy. etc, they're all considered valuable enough they aren't used for shit like this.
S: The scout descends into the ravine, revealing that the energy is coming from some very large crystals, while Megatron, Soundwave, and Starscream, you know, exposition things.
O: Yeah, I know, it actually was a reasonably good usage of you know, like, the audio and the visual storytelling.  Uh, these things are Korlonium- okay, so, I looked it up this thing has an ‘R’ in it but I swear to god they sound- it sounds like they're saying ‘Colonium’ crystals…
S: It could just be an accent thing.
O: So, these things are Korlonium crystals, apparently?
S: Megatron says that they're deadly, and then the scout blows up upon contact with it.
O: You know, right on time.  Starscream suggests luring the Autobots into the crystals to destroy them, but Megatron says that Optimus would never be so reckless.
S: Well, I mean the  real and I'm gonna emphasize REAL here-
O: [laughs]
S: -real Optimus wouldn't.
O: And then Megatron had a terrible, awful idea.
S: Megatron decides to wait in his new, temporary base until the Autobots show up.
O: It's a giant rock.  I know it's supposed to look like a mountain, but guys it's a ROCK.
S: And then we see the Autobots arrived with Spike in tow.
O: Oh good, I'm glad we brought the human to this weird energy source that's probably giving him cancer as we speak.
S: Do the robots even know what cancer is?
O: Uhh, good question! [laughs]
S: Then again, who knows if any of this is any more hazardous than the Ark on a normal day, let alone sitting in Bumblebee who may or may not be radiating who knows what.
O: Or- or being anywhere near- near Wheeljack?
S: Yeah.
O: And thus, Cliffjumper attempts to do what he does best, jumping off a cliff and into the crystals.
S: Well, I mean he has to live up to the prophecy that is his name, because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
O: Indeed.
S: But Optimus advises caution, before Starscream shows up with several other Cons. Starscream here is super creative with his insults to Optimus.  Calling him Floptimus.
O: Why does that sound like a dick joke?  Better yet, why are you using a dick joke on Optimus?  Your boss is the one that turns into a phallic object.
S: He's jealous of their, um, relationship.
O: Obviously.  A fight breaks out, with Optimus almost immediately taking out the three Seekers.
S: He just dismisses them as opponents, while loudly declaring how bored he is to only be fighting three Decepticons.  And then Megatron has Soundwave reject Laserbeak to take out Optimus.
O: May one bird do what three Jets could not.
S: Upon seeing Laserbeak Optimus calls him a ‘tinfoil turkey’.
O: The bastard, be nice to my birb!
S: But Laserbeak shoots Optimus down a convenient adjacent ravine, free of electronic frying crystals.
O: Megatron then orders Laserbeak to take holographic scans of Optimus’s body, from  every  angle.  Megatron holds a perfect replica of Optimus Prime for  reasons.
S: And... Megatron also wants Optimus alive.
O: Oh lord, he wants a harem.
S: Maybe?
B: [laughs]
S: While Laserbeak is scanning Optimus, Megatron calls him um, photogenic.
O: Optimus is knocked out, ass up, and SOMEHOW that's photogenic!?!  Megs, buddy, NOOO!!!
S: [sighs]  A mere few button pushes later and Megatron now has an exact copy of Optimus Prime.
O: It fools Soundwave.  I have absolutely no idea why, it's not like Soundwave wasn't watching the monitors with the real Optimus on them at the same time is Megs.  He saw Laserbeak scan him!
S: To make this even sillier, Soundwave’s basically psychic.  Actually, I'm kind of wondering if he's performing surprise for Megatron's benefit.
O: Why though!?!  He shouldn't be surprised here! [dissolves into laughter]
S: Yes, but maybe it makes Megatron feel better to have his ego stroked?
O: I would believe that.
S: It's just to guess.  Megatron proudly proclaims that it's a clone.
O: We gonna talk about how Megs just uh, had this all ready to go or…?
S: I don’t know, it's the plot of the week.
O: Plot of the week, he’s got plans for it, I mean whatever...
S: He's just making use of stuff he already had.
O: [snorts]
S: He then puts on a silly helmet, that is of course purple, and now he can control everything the clone says or does.
O: Clone Optimus heads out to meet up with the Autobots.  The Cons retreat, and the Autobots head back to base.
S: Meanwhile, the real Optimus, who has apparently been left unsupervised, wakes up and climbs out of the ravine he was trapped in.  And at the Ark, Megatron apparently doesn't know anyone's name as he has the clone calling Ironhide, ‘Bumblebee’.
O: I really wish they got a bit farther with this gag.  Either having Megatron trying to impersonate Optimus Prime's voice or have Optimus try to have more of Megatron’s speech pattern.  Like, now I'm just wondering has anybody ever asked the two VA’s to do that? Because I would pay good money to see that! [laughs]
S: I'm kind of wondering how Megatron- how they don't have any goddamn information on any of like, their- the opposing faction because he should know.
O: He clearly know who Bumblebee is, in earlier episode.  That's the part that makes this make less sense.
S: Yeah. So, I mean, you think, you've been fighting a war against them, they're- like, their roster doesn't really change.
O: Yeah.
S: You’d think you'd know who the hell they are, if only so that you can properly you know, combat them.
O: Yeah, pretty much.
S: And yeah, Megatron also has absolutely no idea how to operate Teletraan I, despite the fact that he's had operatives going in and operating it and getting shit out of it, for how long?
O: At least a year.  The Autobots express worry about their leader but the clone uses the fall as an excuse for his ‘faulty memory’.
S: This seems like it would be a good reason for you know, Ratchet to open him up but apparently he's identical inside and out, through and through.
O: YUP, we’ll get to that! [laughs]
S: Yeah, and then the real Optimus shows up and the clone orders the others to shoot him.  But Ironhide stops them. Wanting to verify which one is the real one.
O: Which obviously the second one's the right one, because he doesn't even notice the other Optimus at first.  He's too busy expressing how happy he is that everyone made it back safe.
S: [sighs] The real Optimus.  Bumblebee has Teletraan I scan the two Optimi, but they come up as exactly the same.
O: [deadpan] Oh gee, if only sparks existed. [returns to speaking normally] I mean I’d assume that one of them wouldn't have one, right?
S: Well if it -if it did it would have weird implications for you know, their reproduction.
O: Uh, it has weird implications period, considering sparks are canonically a thing here, retroactively, by way of Beast Wars.
S: Yeah.
O: So, you know, that's the thing.  Apparently, we're going to do a series of tests to see which is the real Optimus out of these two.  Uh, the first of which is laser rifle skills.
S: Really guys, all you need to do is see which one knows how to use the damn computer.
O: [snorts] It's so true.  To make this dumber though, I'm not even sure which one is which in these scenes.
S: I'm not sure anyone is.
O: [laughs] The animators didn't know either!  The writers didn't know either! I believe it.
S: And instead of doing something sensible, like asking them questions, they decide to make the two Primes do a truck race next.  Oh, GODDDD-
O: Shockingly, these tests are inconclusive!
S: [sighs] But the Autobots have more important things to worry about.  The Korlonium crystals are about to explode and they've got to stop it!
O: This is apparently all going according to Megatron's plan, as the Cons are messing with Teletraan’s readings to lure the Autobots back to the crevice. Wait, one moment, he just said he didn't know how to use Teletraan but they know how to fool the fucking scanners?
S: I guess they can manipulate what Teletraan’s sensors are getting?  I don't know.
O: I suppose that's more likely.
S: Cuz I mean, Soundwave could probably do that.
O: Okay, I believe Soundwave could do that.
S: Megatron, Megatron, no.  Soundwave, probably yeah. Maybe Starscream could do something?  But apparently, he didn't know what the fuck they were so… I don't know.  Megatron is saying this while wearing the control helmet so does that mean the clone is saying all this shit out loud, as well?
O: Please, yes lord, please! [laughs]
S: I mean that would blow the cover like, really fast but apparent- unless everyone was super dumb, which I mean they are...
O: I MEAN, they do not have a good track record in this episode, let's be honest.
S: Sadly that would not appear to be the case, uh, with regard to talking out loud via clone.  Uh, when we get back to the Autobots, they are just about getting ready to roll out. But Ironhide tells the two Primes that until they're sorted out, he's the one giving orders around here.
O: So, still Peter Cullen? [laughs]
S: [laughing] Yes!
O: Peter Cullen does one other voice in this series regularly, it's Ironhide.  I do find this funny. When the Autobots arrive they are attacked by the Decepticons.
S: Megatron plans to have the clone order the Autobots into the deadly, deadly crystals, and of course the- in order to gain their trust he'll have to destroy one of the Cons.
O: Starscream doesn't just walk into this, he- he falls flat on his face into it.
S: [sighs] He swan dives.
O: [laughs]
S: Starscream is like, “I, Starscream!?!  The pride of the Cybertronian war academy!?!”
O: “This aft?  This aft, right here?  You want to offline this aft?”
S: And Starscream, you know, runs away, and flies out of the hideout, like a coward.
O: [snorts] I don't know if I really blame him, in all fairness.
S: True, I mean, considering how much he and Megatron fight, and how- how many times Megatron's probably told him he's gonna kill him and everything.
O: And vice versa. Megatron has Soundwave send Laserbeak after him.
S: While all this is going on, Spike and Windcharger find the entrance to the hidden base.
O: For being half Starscream's height, Laserbeak actually makes pretty quick work of him and just hauls him back into the base.
S: I am pretty sure Laserbeak is significantly smaller than Starscream, unless he was like mass shifted up here.
O: I- I don't know, I feel like when we saw it, it looked about half- like he was about half as tall or something but-
S: I don’t know, it’s- it’s weird.
O: -hell if I know.
S: Once Starscream’s dumped back in front of Megatron, Megatron says he intends to have the Optimus clone kill Starscream's clone, not Starscream himself.  This is important information that was left out.
O: And this is what you get for dicking around with people Megs, a squishy infestation.
S: Of course, once Starscream's been ah, cloned he sees something he finally loves more than himself, his clone!
O: Starscream gets his own dumb helmet to control his clone too!
S: Same hat!
O: [laughs] Spike and Windcharger attempt to get out after hearing Megatron's plan, but they are chased by Laserbeak.
S: Spike is, you know, captured accordingly and ah, Windcharger falls to his apparent doom.
O: Into the crystals, like, I feel that’s relevant.
S: Yeah.
O: Uh, Soundwave is now babysitting the squishy.
S: Spike calls Megatron a, ‘Mega-rat’.
O: Just once- just once I'd like to hear these idiots say an actual zinger.
S: Back outside, the two clones face off one-on-one, mano a mano.  With Megatron congratulating himself on being a  brilliant  playwright for choreographing all this nonsense.
O: All I can think is just see- see, you let him write shitty plays, this war wouldn’t have happened!
S: Oh god, hes’ doing- he’s pulling a Loki from-
O: [cracking up] OH MY GOD, that's the fic we want and deserve!  Is Megatron wins, and all he does is put on shi- is put on shitty plays!  Headcanon accepted.
S: Self-aggrandizing plays and poetry.
O: Mm-hmm!  And then Optimus kills Starscream in cold blood, in front of a bunch of witnesses.
S: Oh boy, are they gonna feel super silly when Starscream shows up in five minutes.
O: Five minutes I think you mean immediately!?!
S: As the wind is blowing the dust of Starscream's clone away, um, Starscream still standing there, in the shot, with the two other seekers.
O: [laughs] So animation error, but in all seriousness, Megatron and Starscream actually work really, really well together here.  Proving they can do it if they try!
S: Um-hmm.
O: The Autobots are dumb, dumb, dumb, mothafuckers, reaching the conclusion that this has to be the  real Prime, because he killed Megatron's second-in-command.
S: Would the real Optimus kill Starscream in cold blood?  I think we've established that, no he the fuck wouldn't.
O: He can't even kill Megatron in cold blood most continuities.
S: Yeah.
O: Clone Optimus orders the bots into the crevice and the real one tries to stop them, but no one listens to him.
S: You're all so DUMB!  So, so DUMB!!! Why didn't you ask about prior experiences that you would have had with him!?!
O: Because that would make too much sense! [laughs]
S: [sighs]  Why? So much sighing...
O: [laughs]
S: Windcharger proceeds to drive up out of the crevice and is like, “Hey guys.  Don't fucking go in there!”
O: [laughs] I wanna point out that he survived because he apparently transformed into his alt mode before hitting the ground.  I don't know why that helped, because clearly that doesn't seem to help- because the Scout still blew up and it had wheels, but whatever.
S: It might not have had rubber tires, that’s the thing.
O: Hmm, okay.
S: Cuz, I think it's specified that the rubber tires somehow insulated him?
O: You know, this is- this is like, on par with them defeating uh, what's-his-face’s lightning in that other episode by being in car mode, but sure!
S: Yeah, the clone attempts to get everyone ah, into the crevice again, but finally fucks up enough that the other Bots catch on.  And it's when he calls Spike, ‘unimportant’.
O: Megatron was so close, he just lost his patience, man.
S: The Autobots finally turn on the clone sending him into the crystal crevice.
O: The Decepticons are blasting off again, and as they make their escape they just chuck Spike out a window.
S: Powerglide proceeds to show up, um, and showboats that rescue.  Spike should really be dead at this point.
O: Critical velocity and all that, because while Powerglide was showing off they got really close to the ground with that catch.
S: Yeah, and even if Spike er, Skydive-Sky-
O: Skydive?  [laughs]
S: Wrong- I mean right season, wrong flying Autobot.
O: [continues laughing]
S: Ah, even if Powerglide managed to like, match velocities with him- yeah, but still- he'd still splat-
O: Yup.
S: -unfortunately for him.  Um, back on the ground, Spike asks Optimus if it's really him and uh, then Optimus offers a rather silly response, but it’s- you know, it's cute.
O: “Yes Spike.  This time I am definitely me... or I.  Myself. Oh, whoever I am.”
B: [laugh]
O: And that's it for today's episode, join us next time for, “Atlantis, Arise!”  Uhh, so did you guys ever want to see the lost city of Atlantis with giant robots, jets underwater, and um... Washington DC?
S: Megatron takes over um-
O: A lot of things.
S: -Lincoln’s chair.
O: [laughs]
S: Yeah.
O: Megatron finds the  perfect chair.
S: Yep, too bad you can't take it home.
O: [snorts]
S: Okay, we have two- two fanfic recommendations for today.  Would you like to talk about them or would you like me to?
O: Yep, I can do it.  Uh, so, uh basically, I did both of these because I will use any excuse to talk about Shattered Glass.  (I apologize for nothing!) So, our two fics for today, uh, the first one is, “Mathematical Manipulation” by Merfilly.  The continuity is Shattered Glass, it’s G, it’s Gen there are no pairings. Characters are: Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Shockwave, Frenzy, Optimus Prime, Rodimus Prime, and Thundercracker.  That is all of the Shattered Glass versions and in summary, “Megatron doesn't see the future, he just models it on probability.” The character or a rec this is based on is, ‘evil Optimus,’ and it's a one-shot.  Also, this makes more sense when you realize that Shattered Glass Megs is a math professor.
S: Which is indeed a fun thing.
O: Which I love immensely!  And our second one is, “Someone You Might Have Been,” by Astolot.  It's G1/Shattered Glass, it's rated T, it's definitely slash, uh, for Megatron/Optimus and our characters are: Shattered Glass Megatron, regular Megatron and Optimus.  The- in summary, “I didn't love him because he wasn't you.” And the character theme this is based on is again, ‘evil Optimus,’ but also Megatron and Optimus slash. It is a one shot.  It's also one of the only Astolot fics I can recommend, so I was like, we're gonna put that here! [Because we’ve been trying to keep all the fic recs at T and below for the most part. ~Owls]  And that's it for our fics today.
S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as a Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word), and various other locations by searching for, “Afterspark Podcast,” such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Until next time, I'm Specs.
O: And I'm Owls.
S: Toodles!
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