#karenína personal

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Coming February/March 2024 (don’t @ me for being extra)

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things really get a different perspective when they're closer to you. you hear of school shootings in america and it's horrifying and sad and make you angry (especially as a teacher cause i know the lengths i would go to protect my students), but i've never been there and it's somehow so far removed but i was in prague last october and it's such a wondrous city and the people were amazing and i so want to go back.

so yesterday when i heard about the shooting at charles university it was such a shock. i feel such pain for the people of prague and czechia, just like i felt for the people of norway back in 2011 because those are our brothers and sisters.

i truly hope everyone can find peace, especially those who were affected and were in the vicinity cause i can't imagine how they are feeling. all my love to everyone suffering ❤️

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happy new year form me and my lando merch 🎆

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hoping praying there are zero possible period days in the future 🙏

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ready for the parent-teacher conferences. i can do this 😮‍💨

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today was good 🥰

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ok so a bit of a story time

As many of you know I’ve been trying to get pregnant for some time now. I’ve been on this journey for a couple of years, from the first time I decided to do it alone to physical and mental checks to interviews with a social worker.

There’s only one clinic that does this in Iceland, and it’s aprox. 5 hours by car away from me. So the stress of realising your ovulating, getting an appointment at the clinic, getting a day off from your work, driving 5 hours and getting there before closing time is a lot.

I was told that with the age that I am and with how many eggs I’ve got that 4-5 tries were probably optimal, but starting with three was preferable. So I did that. I bought three straws of sperm for a whoooole lot of money. Then each try cost about 100k ISK + the cost of driving back and forth.

The first negative was horrendous. A slap in the face. I had my hopes all the way up only for them to come crashing down and that was on me. IUI’s only work 17% of the time and that’s not a lot. 17% is shockingly low.

The second time I went I had tapered my expectations but I still broke down crying at work when my period came. You’re always supposed to take a pregnancy test on the day the clinic told you (no matter if you get your period or not), but bleeding is a bad sign no matter what.

The last time i went was June 14th. There were no expectations. I had surrendered to the fact that it wasn’t gonna happen, at least not this time. Before I got inseminated I talked to the doctor about my options. She said that I could keep going, but the chances were low or that I could go with IVF.

I don’t think people, who haven’t had to go through this, understand how expensive it is. IVF is over 5x more expensive than a single IUI. And people don’t get how demoralising and heartbreaking this process is. And before anyone asks about adoption, I’ve talked about that on here before and it’s not an option.

I was genuinely living my life like I wasn’t pregnant. I had no symptoms, everything was the same as the other two times and I’d even talked so down on the whole thing that my mom didn’t believe me when I told her about my pregnancy on Monday. Hell, I got a freaking tattoo. That’s how absolutely positive I was about not being pregnant (I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday that came out negative).

I know some people think I’m dramatic and that I am using “pity to get attention” and “hysteric” (a word so misogynistic that i am ashamed for the person who called me that), but I am literally only sharing this with people who follow me. I TW every discussion about this journey so that people don’t have to read it. It’s a choice, one that people make for themselves. Anyways, this is not the point of this post.

The thing is, I wasn't even gonna take a test. I was supposed to do it Sunday morning but forgot, and then that night, when I was gonna put the test on the toilet seat to remind me, I found out that I'd actually lost it. So I debated with myself if I should even buy a new one, but I woke up Monday morning and decided to do it, especially since I have to report back to the clinic with the result. Didn't pee until I came back home, and, well, don't think I've cried so much in years as when I saw the "Pregnant" on the test. I was speechless. I’ll put the video down here. I was also really happy, but now all I feel is anxiety.

I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t have nausea, or tender breasts. Sure, my sense of smell seems to be heightened but is that just a placebo effect? Like, I got a positive pregnancy test and so I’m just making it up in my head that I have symptoms?

In fact, I’ve taken 6 pregnancy tests. Two on Monday and four yesterday. It’s probably excessive but I don’t know. I’ve been Googling stuff and reading about why you could get false positives. If you have cancer it’s possible (I don’t have cancer, at least not that I know). Also possible if you have an ectopic or chemical pregnancy.

Maybe you don’t get 6 positive tests if that’s the case? I don’t know, I’ve never been pregnant before. And I usually think about the worst scenario possible.

I’m just trying to be chill but I don’t think I can until my first doctors visit, which is in 19 days.

I’m 5 weeks along (apparently you start counting from the first day of your last period, did not know that). It’s not much but it’s more than I thought I’d ever get. I’m so grateful to everyone who has been with me on this journey, and I know it’s not over. There are 35 weeks to go and I realise that there are so many things that could go wrong. But I’m not gonna think about that. At least I’m gonna try not to think about it.

Also to the person who decided to come for me for being happy about something that had a 17% CHANCE OF HAPPENING, who decided to shame me and my feelings during my journey: I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re clearly deeply unhappy and you should probably deal with that, go see a professional be it a therapist or a psychiatrist. You have no right to judge me, especially as someone who is too cowardly to do it without resulting to anonymity. I hope you one day get what you want but meanwhile you should protect your own peace, and stop reading things that trigger you and that includes my tumblr. But if you do come back on my page spewing vitriol and hate and being the disgusting person you were yesterday, I will not be wishing you any health or happiness. You reap what you sow and if you keep with that attitude your days will not be filled with love.

Please enjoy my ugly face realising I just got a positive.

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last couple of days have been heavy. got my period yesterday and took a pregnancy test this morning like i was instructed to after my iui. it was negative (but i already knew that). went through my fourth graduation as a teacher today, cried a lot. i did get my nails done yesterday so that’s a bright point. three days until i go on break. click if you want to see the nails and me awkwardly posing 💖

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bought a new dress. really happy about it 🌸

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i’m back home! finally. iui story time.

so i was not expecting getting a smiley face yesterday. usually i can tell when i’m about to ovulate, it’s like a mini version of my period pains but there was nothing in the days leading up to it this time.

i took a test roughly 7 am yesterday and got a smiley face. sent an email to the clinic telling them what was going on and that I would have to make a special trip almost half across the country for them.

at 8:18 i get an email informing me that they tried to call me, and that they have scheduled an appointment at 14:15 that day for me (my phone keeps sending people busy signals while i don’t even get notified of a call. i think it’s the reception in my apartment). i basically say “oh fuck”, finish getting ready, put some things in a bag and book a hotel room cause i’m not driving back and forth again (did it for my first one and it was hell).

i drive out of town at about 8:40 and i just drive. i drive without stopping and I’m in reykjavík at about 13:00. i stop at kfc cause i haven’t had any food and contemplate if it’s a good idea cause you can’t pee 2 hours before the procedure and i already had to go. decide what the hell, get one of those twister thingies and then decide to go to the clinic.

i take the wrong turn which makes me lose my mind a bit but i get to my destination with time to spare.

i had a good talk with my doctor and she answered all my questions. this was my last straw of sperm so i asked her what my next step should be. she told me that considering i am still young there is no reason i shouldn’t keep going with the iui’s.

the next step would be ivf but boy is it a hassle. you have to inject hormones, and then when that’s all done you have to take a week where your eggs are harvested then inseminated and the put right back up.

i am going to keep on with the iui’s. she told me that in heterosexual couples an ivf isn’t really tried until after a year of trying. that’s 12 iui’s. i’ve done three.

so yeah. i’m at least gonna do three more.

anyways, this iui went well. 13 million sperms were pushed into my uterus. a great mental image. i bled a tiny bit which has never happened before but it’s not a bad sign. it was only one drop and it’s an invasive procedure.

all in all i spent about 200,000 isk in roughly 24 hours (€1339, £1147, $1466) so thumbs up for that.

also i stayed at a hotel and my charger didn’t work so i had to sit in my car for a couple of hours (i ended up driving aimlessly) to charge my phone so i could use it as an alarm. in the end i asked the insanely handsome guy at the front desk to call me at 8 am. he called me 15 minutes late (he was very apologetic when i checked out and i woke up at 7 am regardless so it was fine).

just got back home after a 5-hour journey where i, once again, didn’t stop to even pee.

i have a really good feeling about this time and i’m crossing everything in hopes that it worked 🤞🤞

[goldenboygate]

hi. I’m in a real emotional low at the moment and have some things to consider regarding my life so i probably won’t be on here much outside of the two remaining race weekends

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Today has been a wild ride from start to finish.

I woke up at 7 am and did an ovulation test. I’ve been doing them for over a week now, sometimes morning and night as can be seen by the wrapping I’ve accumulated (I’ve thrown it away now).

I got a smiley face which means that I have an Lh surge today and tomorrow, meaning these are my two most fertile days.

I sent an email to the clinic and then a message to my boss telling her I’m ovulating and that I’m just waiting for an appointment that could either be today or tomorrow (my boss knows all about the process I’m in and has been my rock these past couple of months). I also messaged my TA and told her all about it, she’s my biggest cheerleader ❤️

About 8:20 I get a phone call from the clinic asking me if I’m already on my way. I say no cause I didn’t know if I would get an appointment and they tell me there’s one free at 15:15. I take it, of course, and 25 minutes later I’m driving out of town and making the roughly 5 hour journey there.

I stop once for a sandwich that I eat while I’m driving and then just before 13:00 I stop to pee (you can’t pee 1-2 hours before the iui). I’m in Reykjavík at 13:30 and I go to two shops while killing time.

At 15:00 I go to the clinic, wait about ten minutes and then I pay 85.000 ISK to have the procedure (that’s €562 or £502). I’ve previously paid about 650.000 ISK for the semen and the pregnancy slot (€4,303 or £3,852).

The procedure is a piece of cake. A speculum is inserted and after that a catheter. 0,84 ml of sperm fluid (consisting of about 170 million sperms) is then pushed into the catheter via a plastic syringe.

I only felt a bit of pressure while it was being done and I was in and out of the procedure room in about 6 minutes (that’s including the chat we had before and changing of clothes).

I was given a pregnancy test and I’m supposed to take it in 18 days, whether or not I have a period in the meantime.

My period is supposed to start in exactly two weeks and that will give an idea if it worked or not. They want me to take the test regardless though, because bleeding during implantation/pregnancy can happen.

This was my first try out of three. There’s only a 19% chance it will work so I’m not getting my hopes up but I’m still hopeful cause I can’t really be anything else.

I stayed in Reykjavík for fours hours, got some KFC and then started driving back home around 17:30. It’s now 23:14 and I’m barely home. The drive back was bad, I drove in black fog for about 3 hours. But I’m back home and safe and really happy about today.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

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🎆 Happy new year 🎆

There’s still 4 hours until my part of the world rings in 2024 but I’d like to make a little happy new years post.

2023 was far from the best year of my life. My grandma got really sick last December and it took her months to recover. My dad then almost died from kidney failure and my grandad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. And all of this happened in the first four months of the year.

In June I found out I was pregnant after a long time of trying. It was the single greatest moment of my life after so many months of IUI’s and negative pregnancy test. I had my whole life planned out but then in mid-August I miscarried without miscarrying. It was horrendous. I had to induce a miscarriage at home and it took over 72 hours for me to bleed everything out.

Life has genuinely kinda sucked since then.

But I feel like I’m getting some of that spark back again. I’ve fallen back into some of my favourite music and bands and I truly feel happy on here for the fist time in a while.

I fell back into some old ships I had buried and am finally reading fanfic (which I hadn’t done since May of this year).

In 2024 I will start IVF and I know I will once again become the annoying person I am online. I know y’all can’t wait for that ❤️

I’m so grateful for all the people I’ve met in here, doesn’t matter if it was three years ago when I first stumbled onto f1lbr or the people I’m meeting now through our shared love of The Libertines and Oasis.

I love you all ❤️

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still going through my old bedroom at mom and dad’s. still finding absolute gems!

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having my second iui in a couple of minutes 🤞🤞