#keeping keiko alive and well meant keeping him captive

[idkimnotreal]

the orca from free willy died because humans pressured his zoo into releasing him out of pity, but due to never seeing other orcas in his life (captivity) he couldn't get along well with wild orcas and relied too much on humans for food. then he died of pneumonia near norway one year after being released and it's believed his struggle to adapt was the main reason behind his untimely death.

this resonated deeply with me as autistic for some reason. an orca who prefers the company of humans (another animal) to his own kind, who he couldn't feel as one with. and now I'm sad. (and angry at humans for being so emotional without measuring consequences and we'll end the world for this)

[unlockthelore]

Can’t Afford Love

Approximately five years ago, Kurama expected to be in the realm of his birth — surrounded by demons and spirits, the supernatural to which was only fiction in the realm of humans — but fate had other plans and he reaped what he sowed for his sentimentality. It wasn’t all bad though. Blessed with a group of friends that were akin to family, a mother who loved him with all that she had, and a partner though prickly in nature was a steady pillar of support in his darkest hour — he could have been in worst situations. Alas, not all things were golden and he was forced to admit that despite his acceptance of his human captivity, there were things that were unavoidable.

One of his friends catching feelings for him wasn’t something that he wanted to endure. The idea of rejecting them, of breaking this peace that he had, it was worrying. But he hardly believed that something would occur that would tear them away from him. Maya’s involvement with Yatsude put it into perspective that no matter how “human” Kurama might have been, there were some things that were simply unavoidable. He hadn’t expected her family to move away after it all happened or the void that would be left.

His worries lingering as he looked to Kuwabara, Keiko and Yusuke. His eyes lingering on Yusuke the longest, the picture of his smile seared into Kurama’s mind and his heart ached as he thought of what it would mean.

Without being asked, Hiei kept an eye on his friends to reassure him that they weren’t in danger by any others trying to challenge the pair for their territory. And on one such day, while Kurama worked on his homework at his desk and Hiei was perched on the windowsill, he said the words that Kurama dreaded most.

“You’re aware that he has feelings for you, aren’t you?”

Kurama swallowed thickly. Hiei had already told him that Kuwabara went home and met with his sister halfway, Keiko was walked home by Yusuke and the pair exchanged a few words with their usual bickering before parting ways. So the only one he could be talking about was — Yusuke. Kurama narrowed his eyes at his notebook, his eraser tapping lightly against the printed ink, though his mind was far removed from the problems before him to face the one at hand.

Even though Yusuke tried to hide it, he wasn’t the most subtle of people. The faint blush that dusted his cheeks when Kurama smiled at him, walking closer to him when they were heading home together, his hand brushing against Kurama’s own with their fingers close enough to lace together but missing at the last second. Whether he or Yusuke pulled away, Kurama isn’t sure but neither of them speak on it. Nights he spends over at the Minamino’s, either falling asleep on the couch or the floor, yet somehow ending up next to Kurama in his bed.

Then it’s the way that he looks at him. With that lopsided smile that he normally gives Keiko, a conspiratorial grin when they’re seconds away from pulling off one of his schemes. Or the soft smiles when they lay side by side and Kurama pretends to be asleep, just to see him like that for a bit longer with a halo of dark hair fanned out across the pillow they share.

Letting his pencil fall with a clatter, he tucked his mouth against his hand and narrowed his eyes at the wall. Perhaps it wasn’t Yusuke who was falling but Kurama righted himself before he could descend any further. Entertaining ideas of being with him would only lead them both down a path of no return and he didn’t want to hurt Yusuke. But the world he belonged to was one that he couldn’t bring him along.

“…I am.” Kurama finally said, letting his gaze drift to Hiei’s waiting form. The fire demon’s eyes glowing bright crimson in the low light filtered through the curtains that he’s pushed aside to make room for him on the window sill.

He studies him quietly and says nothing. Likely letting the answer seep into the atmosphere between them but Kurama knows the stage is set and this is a conversation they are going to have. No matter how uncomfortable he feels it is.

“And you’re not going to erase his memory?” HIei asked evenly, as if he were requesting Kurama to perform a party trick.

Kurama shook his head and turned his head away. The idea of seeing Yusuke regard him with such confusion as Maya did was disheartening. And he wasn’t sure if he could fool the three of them into believing that there was no connection between them. Not when they were this interlaced in one another’s lives.

“Yusuke is not aware of all that I am,” Kurama explains, picking up his pencil and scratching the kanji of Yusuke’s name in the upper left corner of his paper. He’s helped heal Yusuke’s injuries, from fights or other incidents, with his energy but he never fully explained. As children, Yusuke believed with wide-eyed enthusiasm that he possessed magic and that trust was something he didn’t want to tarnish by revealing the truth. “There’s no need to erase his memories.”

“And if he knows? Would you erase his memory then?”

Kurama pressed his lips together to keep from stating something that he didn’t want to. From telling Hiei to just drop it. The question is a sound one. Yusuke knowing is a threat to the balance that they’ve set and would put him in the line of danger at that. But could he erase himself from Yusuke’s memories if he found out the truth? Could he alter not only his memories but that of others, make it seem as if they were never truly friends or simply fell out of a friendship with each other?

“He won’t know.”

Hiei’s footsteps are soundless but his presence is loud. He brushes past the back of Kurama’s chair, close enough that he can feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on in. “You plan for possibilities, don’t you?” Hiei asked, though it was more of a statement than a question, a derisive tone that pricked at Kurama’s nerves laced in to his cold veneer. “So in the chance that he does know, what will you do?”

Kurama turned slightly in his chair and though he didn’t have an answer, that in itself spoke volumes. His hand settled on the page and covered Yusuke’s name from view as if it were a treasure to be kept. And in his heart, he was. “I will deal with the situation should the need arise,” he muttered tensely, keeping Hiei’s gaze.

A moment of silence passed between them and the air was charged with something that Kurama couldn’t put to name. Then with a soft huff, Hiei averted his gaze and looked ahead of him.

“… Does he really hold that much value to you?”

Something in Kurama trembled. Irritation at being found out, confusion at how deep the feeling went, and derision because of course not — but also yes. Yusuke had been his friend since his human vessel was a child, they bonded and he was happy to be at his side. At their side.

“He has been a friend for a very long time.”

“Mm…” Hiei regarded him from the corner of his eye and the fire demon’s focus, while admirable, crept along Kurama’s skin as if he were being picked apart piece by piece. “So, if someone were to kill him..”

Kurama felt the spike in his energy but quickly quelled it, clenching his fist around the back of the chair. “They wouldn’t live long enough,” he promises, unwilling to think of Yusuke’s vacant eyes or what manner of foolish creature would try to take someone that held meaning to Youko Kurama.

He swallowed thickly and Hiei arched a brow before closing his eyes.

“You have feelings for him.”

Kurama tensed up slightly and his grip on the back of the chair tightened, the plastic creaking beneath his hold. “It doesn’t matter,” he reasons. Being with Yusuke was impossible considering that he was a human. He had no idea what Kurama trey was, and his feelings for Keiko ran deep. It was better that he focused on her, that he lived out his life as he was meant to.

Even if that put distance between them and he wasn’t able to hold onto his hand — Yusuke would be happy and alive. Lost in his thoughts, Kurama didn’t notice Hiei moved until the paper that his hand had been covering was slipped from beneath his grasp and turned face down. Staring down at it blankly, he tipped his head back to look into Hiei’s eyes.

“You were thinking something unnecessary again,” Hiei said with an arched brow, studying Kurama quietly. “If his feelings are that bothersome, I’ll change them.”

“Touch him and it will be the last thing you do,” Kurama said abruptly, his voice low and the threat was laced into the coldness of his tone. His plants, hidden among the furniture in his room, were primed and ready to confront a threat. Though he could sense their confusion. Hiei had been a fixture in his life for some time now and the idea of harming him wasn’t a fond one but Kurama wouldn’t abide by what he was offering. “I value our partnership, Hiei. Do not jeopardize it.”

Hiei’s gaze swept over him a few times before he huffed a laugh, climbing off Kurama’s desk and making his way to the window. The curtains were pushed aside, allowing the afternoon sun rays to flood through, haloing him in reds and oranges.

“He’s coming here,” Hiei said, undoing the window’s latch and pushing it open. Despite the threat that Kurama posed to him, he didn’t regard him with anger. Simply climbed onto the window sill and stared out at the city line with his back to him. “Apparently, he wanted to bring you…”

It wasn’t like Hiei to hesitate but when he did, Kurama’s heart hammered in his chest. Yusuke was coming here? And he was bringing something?

“Well, you’ll see…”

Before Kurama could say anything edge-wise, Hiei disappeared into the setting sun and left him with nothing but the soft breeze blowing at his curtains and a mind racing. Kurama sighed and sagged in his chair. He wasn’t sure what came over him to go so far as to threaten Hiei.

The last time such a thing occurred, the fire demon alluded to Shiori coming to harm. And that was another extreme that he took his time to work up to. Running his fingers through his hair a few times, he pushed away from his desk then headed downstairs, deciding to wait on Yusuke to make his appearance.

Sitting downstairs, Kurama turned on the television and curled up on one end of the couch allowing his mind to wander. The glass sliding door allowed him a view into the backyard and he could see the flower beds where he’d been tending to the arsenal he’d need for his triumphant return to the Makai. The same place where he came face to face with a barefoot boy, dirtied from the head down, with a smile that could light the sun. He found him annoying, wanting him to leave quickly, and gave him a flower at his behest. To his surprise, that same child with his sunny grin, returned to him with dim eyes and quivering hands to return the flower.

He learned later that whoever Yusuke tried to give the flower to denied it. And when he broke it, the grief he felt was secondhand — he was apologizing for something that he couldn’t control. Protecting him from the forces at work which turned him from a sweet laughing child to one who shouldered his pain and anger and answered with his fists was impossible. But he did his best to protect the heart inside of him, Kuwabara, Keiko, Maya and so many others trying to reach out to him. And the Yusuke that they loved had changed but at the core he was the same.

The same child who grasped his hand tightly and looked in awe at the difference between their lives. The one who told him that he was lucky to have Shiori and cried when he was shown kindness. Kurama’s nails cinched the skin of his palm and he held his hand close to his chest, diverting his attention to the screen blankly. He couldn’t let harm come to Yusuke. Not from him. The Makai and the Far Shore weren’t places that were meant for him. He was vibrant, burning brighter than the sun, and belonged to the world of the living.

If Kurama had it his way, he would be there for him and serve as his protector. The one who defended him from the darkness that’d undoubtedly try to swallow his light.

A soft click brought his attention back to reality and the backdoor sliding open. Yusuke smiled at him widely, his hair messy, uniform undone with his undershirt showing and his pants a bit lower than they were supposed to be. It was charming on him at the very least and from the state of his knuckles, he must have gotten into a fight before he came or on the way. He pulled off his shoes and set them aside, stepping in with careful steps.

Kurama pretended not to see him until he crept behind the couch and reached for his shoulder.

“Hello Yusuke.”

From the corner of his eye, he could see the fingers still and tremble before dropping limply to the back of the couch. “So much for a surprise,” Yusuke grumbled, leaning against the back of the couch instead, tipping forward to where Kurama could make out his face and his lopsided smile. Brown eyes flecked with hazel crinkled at the corners with obvious affection. “C’mon, aren’t you happy to see me?”

Kurama couldn’t help but return that smile. Yusuke’s always seemed to put him at ease. And despite the unrest he felt, he was warmed by the sight of it. “I am always happy to see you.”

A soft noise came from Yusuke, one of surprise and the pink dusting his cheek was adorable. His lips quirked into a sheepish smile, his chin tucking, a familiar gesture when he was young. Shyness that he kept aside and Kurama buried his mouth against his palm, trying not to smile.

“Well.. I’m here,” Yusuke muttered, climbing over the back of thee couch to drop beside him. As he sank into the cushions, he hesitated and tensed up, casting a look over his shoulder then up at Kurama. “Your mom’s not here, right?”

“She’s at work,” Kurama insisted, somewhat curious to what it was that he wanted for that to be important.

“That’s good…” Yusuke sighed, sagging against the cushions, his head tipped to one side, dark hair falling into his eyes.“She’d be on my ass for climbing on her couch like that.”

Kurama chuckled, reaching over to brush Yusuke’s hair from his eyes. “She worries about you.”

His eyes were wide and he regarded Kurama with such wonder that it was hard to look away. Slowly, he pushed himself upright, brushing his hand aside as he crossed his arms behind his head and leant back against the couch. “Yeah, yeah, I know… that’s what makes it weird.”

Kurama thought to ask about that. Why wasn’t he home? Where was his mother? The taboo topic of his father drifting across his tongue bitterly but none of the words are forth.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot..” Yusuke flashed him a smile temporarily stealing his breath away. “I proposed to Keiko again today.”

Remembering Hiei’s report about Yusuke walking Keiko home, Kurama felt his heart clench. The proposals weren’t something new. He’d seen Yusuke propose to Keiko three times in one day, sometimes to catch her off guard and others because he seemed genuinely serious. But the two of them were young and it wouldn’t happen although Keiko flat out rejected him, she’d smile with every one as Kuwabara teased Yusuke and Yusuke insisted on getting in a fight with him.

Now that they were older, his proposals weren’t as often but when they did come, he did look charming. His smile soft as he regarded her and Keiko’s refusals came after a brief hesitation. Usually sensible reactions but always with a smile as Yusuke backed off. It was a heartwarming sight to see. Young love at its finest, but it also tugged at his heart. He wasn’t jealous of Keiko by any stretch of the imagination but that sort of happiness, those carefree moments, it wasn’t something that he could have with Yusuke in good conscience.

And it felt wrong to be a part of them.

“What did she say this time?” Kurama asked when he realized that Yusuke was waiting for him to say something.

Yusuke’s smile faltered and he dropped his head, grumbling. “We’re still too young..” He lowered his arms, resting them on his knees as he leant forward. “But it wasn’t a no like when we were kids so that has to count for something.” Lifting his head, he smiled at Kurama and the colors from the television cast shadows over his face that made his eyes seem brighter. “Right?”

That smile only made the aching in Kurama’s chest worse but he slowly bobbed his head. “Right,” he muttered, looking away to settle his gaze on the TV. He wasn’t interested in the show itself but it did give him something to focus on.

Minutes passed and he could feel the weight of Yusuke’s gaze on him and the shift in the air. Anticipation pricked at his skin and his energy shifted restlessly as he waited for the other shoe to drop. And without disappointing, Yusuke took a deep breath then averted his gaze, giving Kurama a measure of leeway with his expression.

“… There was one other thing that she said too..”

“What was it?” Kurama asked, somehow managing to keep his voice neutral despite how he felt. He glimpsed Yusuke in his peripheral gazing at the television and the pink dusting his cheeks darkened to red at the tips of his ears. He turned his head away slightly and Kurama’s eyes softened.

“She’s not… the only person I like.”

Kurama swallowed thickly and he prayed to whichever deity would listen that this wouldn’t happen. Not Yusuke.

“No?”

“No…” Yusuke glanced at him quickly, but it was the look in his eye that sealed Kurama’s fate. His gaze drifted to the table in front of them before focusing on him again. “…I like you.”

While he hadn’t expected him to admit it so easily, the warmth building in his chest was even more surprising. A soft fluttering at the look Yusuke gave him, adoring and kind, a far cry from the scathing glares that his teachers received or some of the other delinquents in the city. He was handing something soft and fragile to Kurama and he loathed that it was being offered to him. A kind beating heart, colored in gold, a rare treasure that even someone as jaded as Youko Kurama could see was one of a kind.

He wanted to pull him closer. Tell him that he liked him as well. That his smile lit up his day. That his laughter was beautiful to his ears. That he was loved. That he was wanted. The ache worsened and despite the small distance between them, it felt as if a chasm had risen and separated them on opposite sides of a wide ravine. And he wouldn’t dare pull Yusuke to his side.

“…I’m sorry, Yusuke.”

The transition might have been quick to some but for him it was painfully slow. He’d shattered many hearts before and watched them fall to pieces without a second thought but this one, he would remember. Yusuke’s eyes didn’t darken but his eyelashes fluttered, his eyes widening and then narrowing as the words sank in. He pressed his lips together, as if he were trying not to say something, a show of thoughtfulness that others thought he didn’t possess. But Kurama knew. He knew that Yusuke had it in him. And he hated drawing it out of him like this.

His brows furrowed and his eyes shuttered, shutting for a second as he turned his head away. His arms resting on his legs, head lowered, dark hair falling and casting shadows amidst the light flickering from the television and Kurama wanted to touch him but he saw the faint tremble in his shoulders. Yusuke was fragile right now and if he touched him, he might shatter like glass.

After a minute passed, Yusuke lifted his head and opened his eyes, staring at the television screen.

“It’s alright,” he said, his tone fairly upbeat although there was something missing. His eyes were what gave him away, the light reflecting the sheen of unshed tears as he watched the program without a sideways glance. “This is the new one, right? I think I missed it last time.”

It wasn’t alright, Kurama wanted to say. He didn’t want to deny him, he wanted to explain. And the ache in his chest pulsed pain throughout his body as he watched Yusuke try to keep himself together. He could have told him that he didn’t miss this one. That they watched it together the last time he was over, the night that he fell asleep tucked close to Kurama’s side and the youko lost interest in the program, happy to watch over him until the smile that he wore slipped from his face.

But he didn’t. He looked ahead of him and closed his eyes, handing back the heart that was offered to him and hoping that the boy it belonged to wouldn’t vanish from his sight. “I think so,” he said, though he was hardly paying attention.

He tried to convince himself that this was right for Yusuke. He deserved to be with another human, to live happily — without fear — not with a demon that would bring him nothing but pain and death.

“Cool..” Yusuke murmured, his voice trailing off.

They sat in silence for who knew how long. A somberness lingering in the air that even the choreographed laughter of the actors on the screen couldn’t break. As the sun fell over the horizon and night came, Yusuke tipped his head back and looked in Kurama’s direction though he knew that he was staring past him rather than at him. The show came to an end and the credits ran while Yusuke stood up and stared to stretch, groaning with a satisfied sigh.

“Alright, I should get going. It’s getting late.”

Kurama watched him quietly. He wanted to stop him from going, tell him that he could stay. Normally he would stay but this wasn’t the time to point it out. Rooted to the spot, he watched Yusuke as he walked around the back of the couch without a backward glance and went to toe on his shoes.

“I’ll see you later, Yusuke,” he said as the backdoor slid open.

“Yup,” Yusuke said with a slight wave over his shoulder, pausing in the doorway. Kurama wasn’t sure what he would say but he had a multitude of things that he could think of. “Y’know, it really is okay.”

What?

Yusuke looked at him from over his shoulder and gave him a smile. “No hard feelings, alright?” With another small wave, he closed the door behind him and walked off with his hands in his pockets, disappearing from Kurama’s sight but the image of his smile was burned in his thoughts.

It wasn’t alright.

How could Yusuke say that it was alright?

The traitorous voice the back of his mind told him that it was just his kindness. It was simply how Yusuke was and he both loved it and hated it. Pulling his knee to his chest, Kurama rested his head against it and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to tell himself that this was the best for Yusuke in the long run but he couldn’t even convince himself with the pain he felt.

He wasn’t sure how long passed but a shadow blocked the light from the television. The screen going blank after a soft click of a button and Kurama finally lifted his head, staring up at Hiei in the dim light filtering through the sliding glass door. For a moment, the fire demon said nothing and Kurama wondered what went through his mind. Did he think him weak for feeling this much for a human? Was he thinking of ways to gloat or laugh at him for attempting?

“If I told you,” Hiei began, his voice soft but loud in the stillness of the sitting room. “You wouldn’t have been able to greet him normally.”

Kurama’s eyes widened. Hiei knew. Of course he knew, he thought bitterly. But if he would have told Kurama beforehand, he would’ve prepared every eventuality. Anything that would have kept Yusuke from confessing to him and having his heart broken. But it would only prolong it and delay the inevitable. Anger threatening to bubble up quickly dispersed. Hiei wasn’t the one at fault and taking his rage out on him wouldn’t heal the rift between him and Yusuke.

“I know,” Kurama muttered, his voice hoarse and cracking. He hated how vulnerable he sounded. He hated the ache in his chest, the pain in his heart, the longing for Yusuke’s smile. Or how quiet and understanding Hiei was attempting to be. His youki wrapping around him in a caress, warm and present, from his side of the ravine that he made between him and Yusuke.

Hiei knew what he was. Who he was, and it had grown easier to love him. He didn’t balk or obsess over the fact that Kurama had feelings for Yusuke. He tried to help. And now…

Now, he needed him.

Hiei stepped closer to him, Kurama’s foot brushing against his thigh as he closed the distance between them. “Your mother will be gone for a few hours,” he said, an obvious fact that was leading to something. His arm opened and Kurama saw the opening when it was silently given. “It’s alright.”

Kurama lowered his foot and Hiei stood between his legs, allowing Kurama to wrap his arms around his middle and tuck his face against his stomach with a soft noise. He buried his face there, trying to let the darkness swallow him and the warmth cradle him. Hiei’s hand resting at the back of his head and pressing, the other at his back, a hug if he was so bold to declare it so.

Kurama knew that this was necessary. That Yusuke as human and it made it impossible to give his affections without lying to him but he hadn’t expected it to hurt to deny him. Or the longing to give in knowing that he couldn’t.