#keeping the buddy daddies friday alive by rewatching but this time im taking notes

[btwn2lungs]

When Kazuki watches Rei and Miri from the park bench and starts reminiscing about the life he almost had, I lost it.

“At the end of the day, I just wasn’t cut out for it.”

YES YOU WERE! ITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

[btwn2lungs]

I love episode 09 because we get to see Rei experience a lot of firsts (i.e. making onigiri for Miri, attending a field day, being introduced to the concept of cheering, accepting praise(?!), etc.) and throughout the episode you get the feeling that all of these firsts, at the same time, are quite overwhelming for him. So I think the race incident is kinda the accumulation of his stress and anxiety from continuously being out of his element. Because of course he is only thinking about how he failed Miri by costing her the race.

And its not his first time failing with Miri but maybe its the first time making the "same" mistake twice. the first time it was failing to notice her cold symptoms before it was too late (i.e. before being pushed to the brink of panic, thereby running out with Miri in the rain again).

The second time was "making" her trip and fall while running in the race. It took a lot of courage for him to be able to cheer as loudly as he did but then when Miri falls because of him, I think he kinda goes back to that same panic and stress mode he felt the day she got sick and is only thinking "its my fault again". And I think he was expecting rejection from Miri and Kazuki hence his dejection immediately after.

So when Miri is still enthusiastic and still determined to keep going and still smiles up at him and reaches out her hand to him, it's a bit shocking. It's shocking to him that he's allowed to mess up (he didn't) and not be immediately rejected or punished.

[btwn2lungs]

Okay but when Rei says “I can’t do anything” when he realizes that Miri can’t take the medicine they have in the apartment. There’s so much to unpack there, so much weight in 4 words…..

It’s more than the panic of Miri being sick but also an acknowledgement of how dependent he’s been on Kazuki and how neglectful he’s been to Miri because of that. Not knowing what to feed her, not knowing what she needs for daycare, not being present enough to know what day of the week it is! I also think it’s a direct testament to Kazuki’s absence:

“I can’t do anything” without him

because it’s been Kazuki feeding and taking care of him too and I think in that moment of panic about the medicine there was also a(n) realization assumption that the reason Kazuki left is because of Rei’s incompetence.

What is Rei but a weapon to be used? What good is a weapon that cannot be used to carry out a task efficiently? His father would have abandoned him in an instant if he showed any signs of weakness so why wouldn’t Kazuki do the same?

[btwn2lungs]

suwa “it wouldn’t be relaxing for all three of us to sleep together” *falls asleep immediately* rei

[btwn2lungs]

re episode 10: so it is very apparent to the viewer that kazuki and rei have changed since the first day they got miri. however with hindsight it is even more clear, painfully so just how much they have changed. as in episode 09 where kazuki subtly shows his support and awareness for rei as an individual, in episode 10 we see just how observant and aware rei is of kazuki and his distress! for example:

rei acknowledges and understands kazuki's anger towards misaki and he lets kazuki air out his frustrations for a little bit. until he realises people are watching (knowing how much kazuki cares about their image as a family to others) and that miri is coming (knowing that kazuki would never want miri to see him like that)

rei acknowledges the pain on kazukis face when miri runs straight past him and into misaki´s arms

kazuki says something to rei along the lines of: "you don't know how awful it is to have someone else (misaki) in your kitchen!" but certainly rei has become aware of how sacred that space is to kazuki, surely remembering the french toast experiment and whatever else rei had tried and surely failed to cook before [I think this comment was more of kazuki deflecting on the actual seriousness of the situation and how upset he is but rei acknowledges this too].

there is a moment during the discussion between the three adults where kazuki stands up and kind of walks away from the conversation (clearly overwhelmed, quite possibly thinking about his past and feeling guilty - again) but rei doesn't hesitate to step in to ask misaki the hard questions that kazuki cannot in that moment

in the food court rei can see how devastated kazuki is - this is after kazuki looks around and sees all these kids with their mothers and thinks that thats what normal is supposed to look like (UGH) - and rei encourages kazuki to stay present and focus on the plan; to focus on miri

at the top of the ferris wheel, kazuki brings up the cat rei brought home, using it as an allegory for their current situation with miri and he kinda just straight up admits defeat.

rei is shocked by this and seriously looks like he's about to cry and thats where the words get stuck in his throat and he doesn't know what to say and the episode ends with them agreeing that they couldn't change but god I bring that up because in episode 11 its rei who finds the words and convinces kazuki to not give up but that drive and ambition came way before the events of episode 11!

in episode 10 (and before) rei had already decided what he wanted but he just didn't have the words to say it in the end but he sure as hell was making it clear in all these tiny gestures which for him, as we first knew him, are not actually that tiny at all but rather HUGE developments for his character!

[btwn2lungs]

142 days later and I am STILL thinking about:

"Those who shine brightest require the aid of the deepest darkness."

Irreversible damage was done to me that day. It's crazy because Shigeki has NO idea the implications that statement has.

The minute Shigeki mentions Kazuki's name, Rei is so quick to remove him from the situation. He situates any and all failures as solely his own and tries to separate Kazuki from the himself as much as possible. I think he tries to separate himself from Kazuki even more so after the incident with his mentor because the events of the night confirm that Kazuki is something Rei is not and that is a good person.