#kerrang april 8 00

[in-death-we-fall]

The full monty on Slipknot’s pint-sized drum demon Joey Jordison

Kerrang #796 April 8 2000

“Oasis suck dick and we want to fight them…”

(google docs link)

What is your nickname and why?

“Superball. Because one time we played this terrible show and I was so angry that I was bouncing around the room. It had to be seen to be believed. Dude, I was so fucking mental I could have given Michael Jordan a run for his money.”

At school, were you a dunce or a teacher’s pet? “More of a pet, because there was this one teacher that I had a real crush on and I’d always drop my pencil to look up her skirt. I got decent grades, but I mostly hung out by my locker with my headphones on. I hung out with nobody – I was really introverted.”

What was your first shag like? “The girl was 14, I was 17. She was mental. I go over to her house and she starts throwing shit at me while cranking Madonna out of the stereo. She turns out the light and throws a rubber at me, which hits me on the forehead, and then she goes, ‘Now it’s time’. The thing is, she had a broken leg and I’m trying to get her pants off like a moron. I get in there, do three or four strokes, blow my load and say, ‘We shouldn’t be doing this’. I pull out, leave her standing there with her gimp leg, walk home with the condom on, clean it out with water, and let out the biggest scream of victory you’ve ever heard. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. I fucked a charity case.”

Who’s your best friend? “My Mom. She’s always supported me from day one.”

What’s the best pet you’ve ever had? “I had a tom-cat that liked to fight dogs and he always came out a bloody mess: trails of blood through the house, tail ripped to shreds. I called him Not My Cat. He ruled. I used to dress him up, hang cigarettes from his mouth, crazy shit.”

Have you ever been arrested? “No, but next time I go to Australia I probably will be.”

What would you be if you weren’t a rock star? “I’d be trying to get as close to the stage as possible by being a drum tech or sound man.”

How would you describe yourself on a blind date form? “I’m cheap!”

What’s the most extravagant thing you’ve ever bought? “My car, but that wasn’t very expensive. It’s a 1990 two-door red Chevy Blazer.”

Who’s gagging for a shagging? “Fiona Apple. I’m completely and utterly obsessed with her. I met her once and she flirted with me. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, she definitely flirted with me.”

Who’s gagging for a smacking? “Fiona Apple on her ass when I’m doggy-styling her.”

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? “I’ve never really had one. I’m in one of the finest bands ever.”

When did you last call home? “We haven’t been on tour long, so I haven’t called home yet.”

What was your most embarrassing moment? “Once in grade school, we were watching a movie with the lights out and I puked all over my desk. I was so freaked out that I tried to scoop it all up in my arms. It ruled, though, because it caused a ‘vomitory’ – three or four other people puked.”

Who would you least like to see naked? “My tour manager Danny. It might turn him on.”

What’s the best rumour you’ve ever heard about yourself? “That it was me who got Rayna from Coal Chamber pregnant. It was all over the Internet at one point. I’ve never even met her.”

What’s in your wallet right now? “A credit card, Kiss plectrums from when I met them, keys to these handcuffs that I got for the chicks, and a rubber.”

What’s your favourite joke? “Oasis. Those guys suck dick and we want to fight them.”

If you were marooned on a desert island without food, which member of Slipknot would you choose to eat first? “Chris (Fehn, percussionist), because he eats the most.”

Which Slipknot song would you choose to donate to a compilation album called ‘Crap Songs Of Our Time’? “None of them. Zero.”

What’s your drug of choice? “I don’t do drugs. Caffeine, I guess.”

What does God look like? “He’s the guy with the beard and the white robe. Or he looks like Kiss.”

When you die, how would you like to go? “While slamming at the drum kit or doing Fiona Apple.”

Words: Ben Myers