#knives loses it the moment he has to assemble ikea furniture

[sevensimian]

Doodles of people wanted for manslaughter+ Ikea knives

[chaotic-noceur]

pedro boys + IKEA headcanons

warnings: swearing, food, javi’s has one line of suggestive content

a/n: so this is what happens when you put @din-damn-djarin  @ezrasarm and I in a group chat together when two of us are bored and one of us has just been to IKEA... enjoy! (We had too much fun writing this)

Din Djarin

Agreed to do it because it sounded like a cute couples activity

But then you actually do it 

He can’t get his gloved fingers in between the creases

The Allen key keeps falling out of his hand

He can’t see anything through the bucket on his head

He storms off eventually saying he’ll fix it later

He comes back to find you sitting amongst the scattered mess

Yodito’s in your lap, turning the Allen key with surprising ease

Din swears he’s cheating with the Force

Don’t get him started on the actual trip

You drop Yodito off at the kiddies playground thing

Din goes running back not even 5 minutes later because he is sTrEsSeD™

You lose Yodito in the maze anyways

Several times

Din loses 10 years of life every time he realises

But he keeps showing up in empty flower pots

...and levitating stuffed animals into the cart

Din doesn’t have the heart to put them back

You get back to the ship with a bag full of toys

Din swears you are never going back there again

But when he realises you didn’t actually get everything you needed

He refrains from slamming his head into the nearest wall

☾☾☾☾☾

Ezra

Is indifferent about the actual shopping part

Loves spending time with you though so he will go anywhere you take him

Is personally offended that the books in the showroom are props

Throws an excessive amount of scented candles into the cart

*deep inhale*

“Ezra. Babe. WE DO NOT NEED MORE WE ALREADY HAVE 20”

“But this one smells like ‘afternoon escape’, we need it”

Will ramble about the “dire importance” of this candle until you give in

Knows exactly how everything should fit together

But “I CAN’T DO IT WITH ONE ARM GODDAMNIT”

*hurls the Allen key across the pod*

Takes to hovering over your shoulder as you assemble it

Makes everything more complicated with his fancy vocabulary

You’re getting annoyed but he can’t help it

“No that goes there” “The other way”

“DO IT YOURSELF THEN SINCE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING”

You regret the words as soon as they leave your lips

The teasing smile on his face drops instantly

You’re stuttering out an apology before either of you can move

“I- I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.” He giggles 

This time you’re the one who wants to chuck an Allen key…

...At his head

“You should’ve seen your face!”

☾☾☾☾☾

Frankie Morales

Going to IKEA with Frankie turns into an entire day trip

He refuses to let you leave until you get meatballs

It takes you 3 hours to get to the checkout

Because he gets distracted by everything

“Come feel this bath mat!”

“Do we need new knives?”

You try out every piece of furniture in the showroom

He doesn’t let you touch the tape measure because “it keeps giving me paper cuts”

You end up buying twice as much stuff as you originally planned on getting

Insists that everything will fit in his truck 

It does...barely (but only if you end up sitting on one of the boxes...no one has to know)

Swears that he doesn’t need help carrying anything

You step in when you see him dragging a box through the door, clearly labelled ‘fragile’

He’s good with his hands so he loves building it

It’s like therapy for him

If he’s in a good mood, he tosses the instructions out because “I can fly a helicopter and shoot a target a mile away. I don’t need instructions.”

10 minutes later, he’s digging through the garbage looking for it

He tries to pretend he’s just emptying the garbage bin

But you see right through him and hold the crumbled sheet up with the biggest smirk on your face

☾☾☾☾☾

Javier Peña

Does not have time for this bullshit

Hates the concept of IKEA

“Who turns a furniture store into a fucking maze?!”

Is complaining the whole time about how you don’t need new furniture

“Your couch cushions are basically two layers of fabric.”

Wants it to magically assemble itself

“I paid 60 dollars for this and it isn’t even built?!”

But also refuses to let you touch anything 

Loses his patience in 0.5 seconds

But would rather be shot dead than read the instruction manual

“I take down entire drug cartels for a living. I can build a fucking couch.”

Spoiler alert: He cannot.

“Get these out of here” *instructions go flying out the window*

“How did you lose all the spare screws?!” “I’ll give you a spare screw” he grumbles

You both wind up binge eating pepparkaka (IKEA ginger snaps) on the floor shamefully because you couldn’t figure out how to put the legs on your chairs

You also may have called Steve to help

Steve can’t stop laughing at your pathetic attempts

Until he tries it

He ends up calling Connie

She gets the whole thing done in 10 minutes flat

☾☾☾☾☾

Marcus Pike

Loves the idea of building IKEA furniture with you

Because he thinks it’s the boyfriend-ly thing to do

He insists that he knows what he’s doing

But in reality, he hasn’t got the foggiest clue what’s going on

“WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PIECES?!”

“tHeRe aRe nO wOrDs iN tHe iNsTrUcTiOnS?!”

He also has no spatial awareness which means not only can he not figure out how the pieces fit together, but he also keeps tripping over everything

He just about wiped out on a piece of cardboard

“How are you an FBI agent?! You have no stealth whatsoever!”

You try really hard not to laugh when he can’t figure out why the Allan key won’t fit

(He was using it backwards)

“They trust you with a gun?!”

Eventually you can’t stand watching him struggle anymore 

You delegate him to DJ-ing while you take over

It takes you hours to assemble what should have taken you half an hour at most

But you’re not even mad about it

You’re having too much fun

He won’t stop dancing around you like a dork to ABBA 

(Which isn’t distracting at all)

☾☾☾☾☾

Oberyn Martell

Would not be caught dead building IKEA furniture

He has people to do that for him

“We don’t need more furniture Dove”

Refuses to entertain the thought of going to IKEA

“IKEA could not compete with Dorne’s craftsmen”

You end up sneaking out with Ellaria

Ellaria is on ‘distract Oberyn’ duty while you assemble the chair as quickly as possible

He figures out something is going on when Ellaria does everything imaginable to stop him from leaving

He’s not complaining but his curiosity has peaked and he will not be kept in the dark about the events taking place in his own castle

You hurl the newly assembled chair across the room when the door flies open

It splinters apart on impact with the floor

He’s smirking at you from the doorway

“I did warn you my love”

A week later, Dorne’s best craftsman is going head to head with you, Ellaria and another box of IKEA furniture

The entirety of the royal staff are watching as the competition unfolds

They’ve placed bets on who would win

You and Ellaria work seamlessly to assemble your “pathetic excuse for furniture”

He’s lying if he says he doesn’t find it a little attractive

You both refuse to talk to him for a week when he picks the Dornish furniture

☾☾☾☾☾

Whiskey

Loves going IKEA shopping with you

You make your first trip a few weeks after moving in together

You’re just putting plates into the cart when he freezes

Images of your future together start falling into place in his mind and he panics

He never thought he’d find something like this again… not after his late wife

This is real now

“Earth to Jack,” you call, waving your hand in front of his face

When you ask him what’s wrong, he chokes out a ‘nothing’

You don’t push it, he’ll tell you when he’s ready

He burns the instructions as soon as you get home

“Darling, I’m part of a secret intelligence agency. I can handle a few nuts and bolts.”

He lives to regret that statement as soon as he lays out all the pieces

But he’s too stubborn to ask for help

You can tell he has no idea what he’s doing but you go along with it

You hand him misnamed parts and tools when he asks for them and you breakdown cardboard boxes when he tosses them carelessly to the side

The radio’s playing in the background but neither of you are paying it any attention

Three hours pass before he proudly presents his masterpiece to you

“See that wasn’t so ba-“

It collapses to pieces the moment he tosses the Allen key he had been using on top of it triumphantly

He swears he’s reading every single word diagram next time

You’re dozing off in his arm on the mattress on the floor (the bed frame in a dozen unassembled pieces around you) when he tells you he loves you for the first time

“I love you too.”