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bloomingednae · 6 years

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(believe me when I say I was exhausted after writing this chapter because these two are just frustrating sometimes, LOL).

Chapter 6 up!

Chapter 6: Price

“A lonely speaker in a conversation, Her words are swimming through his ears again, There’s nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for.” ~ The Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic! At the Disco (song insp. link: x )

October 9, 2018 (Evening)

The two days passed without event; per Okabe’s schedule, they agreed to meet in the evening, as meeting the following day was too much of a last minute warning for his work schedule.

In reality, Okabe purposely postponed their meeting to allow himself some time to think. Him and thinking didn’t blend well, he knew, but it was at least enough time to calm his nerves before seeing her.

On the evening of their meeting, Kurisu found herself pacing outside laboratory stairs entrance, before finally bringing up the courage to walk up the stairs. She had filled the two days with catching up with work material to the best she could and buying souvenirs and items she could only purchase in Japan to bring back to both Maho and her mother. Even so, the small errands didn’t deter her mind from the impending meeting.

By the time Kurisu had walked up the stairs to the lab, the night had gotten remotely cooler and she shivered as she reached the front door. As she wrapped her cardigan around herself, she raised her hand to knock on the door before she realized how stupid that was and began to turn the door knob to enter. A cold breeze picked up as the door opened, causing her to shiver once more.

Kurisu wondered if it was the weather or the situation that made her feel so cold.

As soon as he heard the door open, Okabe flinched from his seat in the development room, his back against the entrance of the lab room. He was hunched over in his work spread out across the table once more, and though he had been there since early afternoon, not much had been accomplished during his time there. It was becoming repetitive, the amount of work he had been attempting to do since her arrival in Japan, to the point that it was tiring, annoying, and most of all, wasted time when he could have been spending it on more productive things.

Daru’s words echoed in his mind: Your work is your run away.

Okabe agreed with his friend full-heartedly. He was well-aware of what he was doing, and it began to degrade on his mind and overall health, to the point that even his senior coworker took notice. He thought his work had been more productive since her arrival, but it began to feel more tedious and Okabe felt nothing but frustration.

The frustration in himself built even more as his stomach dropped at the sound of her footsteps entering the laboratory room. Denial had been failing him for the past few days, and it increasingly waned as he turned to face her, knowing full well what his intuition was telling him.

He still loved her so very much.

The way she stood in front of him with a hesitating expression, how she fidgeted with one of her cardigan sleeves, how she bit her lower lip when deciding what to say, the way her long hair cascaded over her shoulders, curious eyes that reflected question and a passion for learning-

He loved all of her, and the raw emotion tore him up inside. Years of denial suppressed what he should have told her years ago, and nothing but regret and guilt flooded his heart.

The first thing she noticed when she saw him was weariness; fatigue and stress shown on his features even within the few days’ gap of not seeing each other, whether it be from work or other commitments.

She wanted to believe it was his work that made him look so broken.

When she realized how long she had been staring at him, Kurisu blinked a few times before refocusing her attention.

“...hi.”

She immediately shut her mouth, realizing how stupid it sounded before shaking her head.

“I-I mean, how are you?”

Okabe looked taken aback for a split moment before shrugging. “Alright. You?”

Kurisu made an effort to cross the room to sit on the couch, avoiding eye contact with him.

“Okay, I guess. Walked around Akihabara this weekend.”

Okabe hummed in response and he nodded slowly. “Did you run into any of the other lab members?”

She nodded. “All of them, actually.” Except you, she thought to herself.

She heard Okabe sigh as he turned his chair fully to face her direction, also avoiding her eye contact.

“I’m sorry.”

His sudden apology caught her off guard, and she finally looked at him again, question in her eyes. While he indeed owe her an apology, the context behind it was still unexplained to her.

“W-well…”

“I was busy,” Okabe responded. “Not a...very valid excuse, but...I know you’re only here for a limited time and I just kept working instead.”

He swallowed his pride, holding back that he purposely scheduled himself for work during her visit. It was unnecessary fact that didn’t need to be shared, he resolved with himself.

He noticed Kurisu keep her gaze on him for a moment before looking away and crossing her legs, settling into the couch.

“It’s fine. I know what that’s like too, you know.”

Okabe nodded silently, which prolonged a silence between them even more. The silence was deafening, he realized; there was a thick tension in the air and he could only swallow in nervousness.

The distance between them showed in the absence of sound that continued to grow. While Okabe noticed it the first time they met a few nights ago, what he didn’t notice was how awkward and unnatural their conversations became. Despite her being nearly next to him, the realization of distance and time taking its toll on their bond made him feel even farther away from her more than ever.

He loved her, yet he didn’t want her. It was an endless cycle of undesired pain, and yet, he found himself becoming so comfortable with it over the past few years.

He heard Kurisu shift on her seat from the couch, and through his peripheral vision, he could see her eyes boring into his direction.

“What is it that you’re thinking right now?”

Her question wasn’t a general check-up question; she was genuinely asking him and searching for the answers he never wanted her to find out, and almost instinctively, he felt himself shut in his feelings again as he shrugged slowly.

“It’s not really impor-”

“If it wasn’t important,” Kurisu began, “you wouldn’t be looking as desolate as you are now.”

She sighed. “I know you, Okabe...you tend to not tell others how you’re really feeling and it leads to your unhappiness.”

Okabe shook his head in return. “Look who’s talking.”

The bitterness in his voice came out unfiltered, and before he could catch himself, the words escaped his mouth and he finally turned his gaze to Kurisu. She seemed to had caught on to his light implication of her breakup, as an expression of shock to disbelief, and finally realization and anger spread on her face before she uncrossed her legs and leaned in his direction.

“How dare you…! I was honestly asking you out of worry, and you just throw something as heartless as that back at me!”

“Heartless?” Okabe asked back in return, as he sat up straight in his chair. “I'm the one heartless? Because I was the one who stopped talking to you after all these years and suddenly show up, demanding answers?”

He knew he was being unfair, but years of pent up frustration started to flow from his mouth, and before he knew it, unspoken thoughts formed into bitter words.

He watched as Kurisu was slightly taken aback, before her brows furrowed and her gaze evened out towards him.

“Oh,” she breathed, anger building in her voice, “ so this is what it's about, then? How I look like some kind of friend who only comes when I need something?”

“Not necessarily,” Okabe began, “but your business here has been reflecting an unfair circumstance.”

“I'm unfair,” Kurisu repeated in a deadpan voice. “I'm unfair for coming to Japan and wanting to know what you've been hiding from me all these years?”

She watched as Okabe eyes slightly wavered at her question, which fueled her anger even more at the confirmation of her words and intuition. He looked up at her and squinted his eyes at her. It was cold, emotionless, and most of all, reflected pure anger as they pierced back into her eyes.

It was the first time Kurisu had ever seen Okabe genuinely angry, and it sent a chill down her spine.

“There has been nothing I've been hiding that you need to know,” he answered in a low voice.

His answer was enough time send her back into her anger as she stood up from the couch, facing him.

“Don't play dumb with me, Okabe! I know, hell, even the other lab members know, that there's something you're hiding!”

“And if I told you?!” Okabe responded quickly, at last standing up from his chair. “What good would it do you? You have a good life in the US. You're a well-respected researcher living with another great researcher, successfully writing papers, and going around the world giving conferences!”

Kurisu looked at him in slight confusion. “What does my life have to do with you not telling me?”

“Everything!” Okabe exclaimed. “Your life is good. You have the job, the living, and, well, you had the partner. You're well on your way to something greater, and almost on your way to a future with-”

“What does he have to do with this right now?!” Kurisu interrupted. “ It's over, Okabe, and I'd appreciate it if you stop bringing it up!”

“Huh,” Okabe harrumphed at her response. “That's because it doesn't make any sense to me why you suddenly came to Japan shortly after he broke it off with you, and why you're suddenly demanding answers from me after all these years.”

“Who's demanding answers, now?” Kurisu responded. “And that's my personal life, things you don't need to know.”

She resisted the urge to explain that the reason of her break up was the incentive to return back to Japan; she thought to herself that it was an unnecessary detail, as she stood her ground.

Okabe shook his head. “If I don't need to know, then you still don't see the unfairness of this circumstance. You contacted me all these years, talked about this guy with me, suddenly stop talking to me, and then I don't have the right to even ask why it happened?”

“I did message you!” Kurisu said, holding her phone. “I can count the amount of times you messaged back in the past 3 years on one hand, so who's being unfair now? And why do you even care about what happened to my relationship-”

“Because you were happy!” Okabe interrupted. “You were happy and I wanted to keep supporting that, even if-”

He bit his lip before completing the sentence with “even if it hurt me” as he took a deep breath and continued.

“Even if you were far, you were happy with your life, and that's all I could ask for.”

Kurisu took a step forward, and evenly she responded, trying to control her anger.

“And who…” Kurisu questioned, “gave you the right to decide my happiness?”

“Who,” she continued, “decided that it was up to you to figure out who I should be with? Who decided that it was okay to not ask you what it is you're hiding, after all these years of me sharing my own life with you?”

She shook her head. “I may have been happy at one point, but there’s more that’s been on my mind lately, causing me to come back to Japan. Whether you believe it or not, I’m still your friend and I’m here to hear you out.”

Okabe felt his inner emotions twist inside him, a conflict of acceptance and rejection as she stood before him. He couldn’t tell anymore if she was angry or concerned, or maybe both, but it was everything he felt he didn’t need at the moment. Maybe he was frustrated, but the emotions he kept in blinded his original goal to reconcile with her as he stared at her with a piercing gaze, standing firm to not let his walls down.

“That’s why I’m asking you again,” she said once more. “What are you hiding from me, Okabe?”

“I can’t tell you,” he automatically responded through gritted teeth. “I’ve told myself all these years that you don’t need to share what this is.”

Kurisu groaned in frustration as she waved her arm at him. “Why are you hiding this from me? It’s clearly something I did that affected you so much!”

Flashbacks from their shared kiss eight years ago ran through his mind as she spoke, and for a moment, he felt his chest tighten up with anguish before righting himself once more. That’s the lightest way to explain it, Okabe thought to himself in response to her statement.

“I didn’t decide your happiness,” Okabe countered, backtracking to her previous question. “I only wanted to support it.”

“Even if my happiness hurts you like this?” she fired back, noticing him visibly flinch. “I can see it in your eyes, Okabe. Every time you look at me, all I see is distress as if you want to tell me something. There’s something more than that, but hell if I know if you never tell me!”

“Because it would ruin everything between us if I did!” Okabe finally admitted. “Even if I just observe you from afar, that’s enough to keep me going; I didn’t need you to pry further into how I feel!”

When Okabe realized what he had exclaimed, he automatically shut his mouth and turned away, biting his lip as he did so. He cursed to himself, mostly in disbelief as he realized that he unintentionally let his emotions show through implied words.

Kurisu’s eyes widened, sudden realization hitting her as she took a small step back. The years of their friendship began to re-play in her mind, as she began to comprehend his words to their past interactions. Internally, she felt herself denying the very thought that was so obviously true, but the evidence before her was staggering.

His broken expression, the reason why he barely messaged back, why he was so frustrated…

She felt like a fool.

And feeling like a fool, a mix of anger and confusion began to well up in her again. Was this what he couldn't tell her? Or was there more? She began to remember the memories she saw in her mind as she walked throughout Akihabara the other day, feeling a tight and bittersweet sensation filling her chest. She brought her fist up to her tightening chest, words wavering as she spoke.

“...I pried into your emotions because I need to know how you’re actually feeling.”

She gazed at him once more, evening her adrenaline-rushed breathing. Her heart was running miles in her chest, and she took deep breaths to even her voice before speaking.

“Okabe...when you look at me, what do you see?”

Okabe kept his head turned the other way, not moving as she relaxed her arms and lightly clasped her hands together. She knew he wasn’t the type to answer, and she spoke, feeling her voice suddenly feeling dry.

“...When I see you in a crowd, I see a charismatic man who loves the people he cares around him. He would do anything for them and would even risk his own feelings to make them comfortable. He’s hardworking and passionate about what he does, even if he is a little obnoxious at times.”

“But when I see you face to face,” she continued when he didn��t respond, “I see brokenness. I see happiness. I see conflict. Most of all, I see a regret and feel a feeling of familiarity that I can’t pinpoint or understand. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you and I...I came back because I need to know why I feel like I’ve known you for so much longer than what these eight years have brought us.”

She stopped speaking as she realized her throat felt very dry, or choked up; which it was, she couldn’t tell, but she found herself stopping when a twisting feeling in her stomach began to arise and form into a confusing feeling she couldn’t understand.

Okabe remained facing towards the lab computer, not meeting her gaze. Hearing her openly admit a familiarity with him only confirmed his dreaded feelings of her remembering vague memories from the Alpha world line. Everyone had a small case of Reading Steiner to an extent, he knew based on his experiences of the other lab members on other world lines, but he always denied to himself that she would ever have the same symptom. He knew now how stupid it was to hold on to such a belief because someone as smart as the Makise Kurisu would never let something to that volume slip under her curious mind.

He wondered in his mind how much she did remember, but the thought of that alone had him almost feel too vulnerable and open. Okabe walked up to the computer desk, leaning into it and sighing. The weight of their argument and the outpouring of his pent-up emotions began to tax on his energy and he suddenly felt exhausted, breathing evenly as he tried to regain his momentum.

A small silence enveloped them momentarily before Okabe turned around slowly, still avoiding her gaze. He leaned against the computer desk and sighed once more, placing his hands in his pockets.

“...this is clearly going nowhere,” he began, speaking in a dejected state. “I don’t think...right now is a good time for either of us to keep continuing this conversation.”

For a moment, Kurisu stepped forward to counteract his response, before she caught herself, suddenly understanding the weight of his words. They were both unstable in their own emotions and words, and he was right; continuing the conversation could be even more detrimental to what little they already had together.

She eyed him once more, the posture of a burdened man before her, still feeling a rise in her chest.

“I agree with you...for once.”

For a moment, they both stood still, allowing the silence fill between the two of them. Kurisu knew it was her fault. Years of focusing on her own life, hardly keeping in contact with the other lab members, most of all, him, took a toll on her bond and presence in Japan and regret began to fill her once more. Most of all, years of ignorance contributed to her biggest failure thus far: his emotions.

It was enough make her feel foolish, wanting to hide someplace he couldn’t see her.

Okabe knew it was his fault. Taking denial as a companion grated on his emotions to nearly nothing, standing as an empty shell of a man who once had a fire in him to take on anything in his path. His biggest regret began to build within him when he accidentally slipped out his emotions in front of her, not wanting to place it on her and yet, doing the very thing he tried to avoid all these years.

It was enough to make him feel like a shameful coward, wanting to hide someplace where she couldn’t see him.

The tension in the room was the price they both paid for, awareness of the result of their actions suddenly in plain sight; but stubbornness and regret prevented them from moving forward into a resolved peace.

Kurisu could practically feel the unresolved tension in the air as she awkwardly weight shifted between her legs, unsure if she should leave or not. She found herself wanting to do something so much more for him, but...his posture told her everything that she needed to know.

He remained unmoved and silent. Okabe knew that if he locked eyes with her, he wouldn’t be able to keep composure, and thus he stood still, hoping that she would eventually leave without him saying anything. He didn’t even know the next time he would see her; all he knew at that moment was that his heart ached so much more so than it ever had.

Kurisu decided that it was time to leave, picking up on his nonverbal cues. She turned around hesitatingly before picking up her bag sitting on the couch, slow and deliberate actions reflecting her stance as she did so. The awkwardness began to fill them again, and she wasn’t sure if it was just right to leave with what just unfolded before them.

But when he didn’t bother to look at her even as she slowly crossed the living room to the entrance of the lab door, she resolved that maybe it was time to give him space again before deciding to meet with him again. When that would happen...she didn’t bother to ask, but she concluded that setting up another meeting time at that moment wouldn’t be ideal or conducive to the current situation.

She slowly opened up the lab door, a cold wind bursting through as she huddled against it, feeling a terrible pitting in her stomach as she closed the door behind her. At the sound of it clicking shut, her legs suddenly felt weak, as she slowly lowered herself to the floor in a kneeled position. Without warning, unexpected and confusing tears began to flow down her cheeks and she clutched herself tightly with one hand over her mouth, in an attempt to hide the audible sob that began to rise within her.

She didn’t know what was going on or why she felt her chest about to explode, but she knew only one thing: Okabe Rintarou meant so much more to her than she could even comprehend.

Inside the lab, Okabe sat on the computer desk hunched over, head held up by his hands on his temples as silent tears of his own spilled over for the first time in years.

#blooming drabbles s;g #s;g trade mistakes

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risustravelogue · 2 years

Text

Something I wrote and doodled to finish my storyline in @zhongrin's EBG afterparty.

Enjoy~ 💚

cw: blood, creature death

“Albedo.”

The blond alchemist solemnly looks up from his sketchbook to the source of the thundering voice: a brown-haired tall man in white-gold attire floating in the air, his presence alone causing the earth to quake.

Albedo’s lips curve into a smile. “So you’ve come at last.”

Zhongli chuckles. “So I have. You should’ve known better than to run into my territory.” Black-gold polearms manifest from thin air. “Now, are there any… friends you wish to send to their deaths?”

“You mean sending you to your death, ex-archon?” taunts the voice behind him. He turns around and sees a dragon—if it can be called a dragon, considering its mangled shape—with someone who looks exactly like Albedo riding on top of it.

Zhongli’s lips form a calm smile. “Oh, are you the Dorian people have been talking about? My, my. You’re so… rash. Reminds me of my younger days.”

The polearms flit through the air toward the creature as Zhongli’s form shifts into one of a brown-gold dragon. “Now let me show you the power of the Prime of Adepti.”

Dorian scoffs. “Good decision, ex-archon. You’re no match for our chimera otherwise.”

The two dragons exchange blows in the air, their focus locked onto each other. Albedo chuckles and walks to the hut where his “beloved” is sleeping. Suddenly, a lone arrow pierces through the ground in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. A looming figure approaches him from behind.

“Not so fast, alchemist,” Alhaitham says, sword pointed toward Albedo’s back.

The blond scoffs and turns. “I suppose this stick is a gift from your wife. So much for ‘we intend you no harm,’ scribe.”

Alhaitham lowers his sword. “We haven’t actually harmed you, though.”

“True.”

“And you have been so engrossed in preparing for the confrontation with Zhongli, you didn’t realize that a certain moth had taken Rin’s Vision off your personage.”

“Wha—”

A loud boom echoes across the air, interrupting their conversation. The chimera lays still under Zhongli’s talons, its black blood gushing out of its fatal neck wound. Dorian lies unconscious beneath the larger body, having been knocked out by the sheer force of the larger dragon’s blow.

“Now stay,” he growls.

“Zhongli!”

He huffs and turns to the source of the voice.

“Alhaitham.”

“Kurisu has Rin.” The scribe gestures to the alchemist. “What do you want to do with him?”

The dragon shakes his head. “He can’t win against me, and he knows that. We don’t need to do anything anymore.”

He raises one of his talons and wipes the black blood off his face.

“As a show of mercy, I’ll let you say your goodbyes.”

Albedo picks up his abandoned sketchbook from the ground and begins imprinting the magnificent sight of the Geo Archon’s dragon form onto the paper. Even if I’ve lost, I can still gain something from this, he thinks.

The frantic scratching of pencil on paper stops when two women come out of the run-down hut, the sound of their feet shuffling through the yellow-green grass breaking the sounds of nature. The short-haired woman nods and lets the long-haired woman move forward on her own. Albedo catches a familiar glint of a Vision from behind her shawl and the glitter of the silvery dust on her fingers.

Ah. I’ve been thoroughly defeated.

But he’s nothing if not resilient, so—

One last smile. One last time—

He waves his hand at her, forcing a small smile on his lips. She smiles and waves back at him. Then as her vision clears, her gaze grows sad, with tears now threatening to spill from the corner of her eyes.

“You’re not… him.”

“No, I am not.”

“Where is he?”

Albedo gestures to the archon, who’s now back in his human form.

“Mei.”

“Li! You’re here!”

With a nod from the scribe, Albedo carefully slips away as Zhongli and Meirin run into each other’s embrace. He pulls Dorian from beneath the dead chimera and treks back toward Dragonspine. His steps come to a halt as he looks back at the four’s reunion before disappearing back into the snowstorm, a fond smile growing on his lips.

It was good while it lasted.

#that wraps it up!#that was a fun week that held my burnt-out ass together haha #i mean puzzles and coded messages??? *eats them like snack*#hope you like this :3 #kurisu writes: archived #kurisu doodles

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