#legit felt like i was ghibli crying for a while in class

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1.7.12 8:05pm

Half the year has gone already ??? What ??? How ???

This has probably been the best few months I’ve had in a long while. Granted, they weren’t without their difficulty, but I think there were less meltdowns and bad periods than usual? It can be hard to tell in hindsight, but I’m happy anyway. It’s been a good time and I’m sad to see the semester end…

There are so many things to cover – gonna list them out here so I don’t forget to write about anything. Uni (academics and new friends), piano, fic, boxing, quitting SYO, what else? I think that’s it for now.

I haven’t updated for legit like 3 months so this is probably going to take fkn forever. But here goes. So uni has been a bit of a rollercoaster – my first midsems for econ (maths and micro) were god awful. I didn’t think it was possible to do as badly as I did in maths, a solid 4/25 and barely a pass in micro with 15/25. It hit me hard – I wasn’t super confident going into them, but no-one expects to do quite that badly, and to be honest I’m used to working hard and getting the results. I probably should’ve seen it coming. The practice tests weren’t going great and I was probably too confident going in. But yeah. It was a real reality check. Are you as smart as you think, Alyssa? Never. So after about a week of just crying and being real upset at Don (the shittiest lecturer I think I’ve ever had; he wouldn’t give me marks because he was ‘too annoyed’ that I’d gotten so many things wrong previously’, laughs at people in class, tells people to quit their jobs to study for maths…yeah. I know I’ll probably look back on this and laugh at how trivial it is, but man during semester it was annoying.) life had to move on and I had to move on with it. Julia came to Sydney in the midsemester break which was pretty great (it was real nice to hang out with her again and relax!) and then I began to work my ass off for my law assignments before starting to prep for the next econ midsems.

To be honest, I pretty much gave up 2-3 weeks of my life working for law and econ…but it’s not like I didn’t really enjoy it. I really enjoyed working with Tom and then eventually with Soo as well on the contracts assignment, even with the long hours cooped up in my room, poring over casebooks and PDF judgments online (control F has never been more useful I think). There was something about being so absorbed into the knowledge and being so dedicated to something that was just so great – most people would hate it, but I’m glad I don’t. Even working on CCP wasn’t terrible ! Those assignments worked out great; 25/30 for contracts (the top mark was 26), and 16.5/20 for CCP (I think I might have been close to topping!). I never thought I’d see the day where I did that well in law, and that those marks would ever be better than econ lol. But I was mostly glad that everything worked out the way it did – I think it would’ve killed me if I hadn’t done well after so much work. Anyway, hopefully those results can save me from the horror of exams…I’m glad I have at least something of a buffer.

And econ…econ was something special. I have never worked on anything as hard as I did for that maths exam, and to an extent the micro paper as well. All I did was eat, sleep, mandi and study for a two week period – I’m very lucky that I was living in college and that my friends were always around me, because otherwise I probably could’ve become a real hermit. I think it was about then that I really started to fall in love with the maths a little bit lol. There’s this satisfaction that I got out of it that I’d never gotten before. But yeah. After two crazy weeks, I did the papers and scored damn well – went from 16% in maths to 84%, and 60 in micro to 75. By some insane coincidence I’m now exactly on a pass for maths – hopefully it’s enough to carry me into honours next year. I was just so desperate to prove to myself and everyone around me that I could do this, and that I wasn’t an idiot. And I’m glad I did – it’s one hell of a story to tell at job interviews at any rate. But that feeling of success when I first got the maths mark back was absolutely phenomenal. I remember it really vividly – I was waiting out on the street waiting for uber eats when Connor texted the group chat saying that maths marks were up. My nerves were astronomical, but when I saw that number…man. That feeling was something else. All the hard work had been well worth it just for that moment. The feeling is absolutely amazing; I just hope that I’ll be able to experience it again when the exam marks come back.

So yeah – that’s the academics. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster. Hopefully I can deliver in exams too, and get through with decent looking grades.

There was another great outcome of the second set of midsems – I met this amazing group of friends who do economics at uni. They’re all so welcoming and wonderful and genuine !! I just wish I could’ve met them sooner. For most of the semester since then, I’ve been seeing them every now and again which has been really great – hopefully I can get closer to them next sem. I even got invited to their end of semester stuff – Wednesday night was really great <3 They are all so great. Fingers crossed I can keep hanging out with them.

Along with this group has come some boy stuff lol. Which I’m just so bad at dealing with it’s almost funny. So basically, I think this guy is probably/maybe/I think keen, and I thought I was too, but honestly now I don’t know. Part of it is remnants of all the Lynden stuff – I can’t shake this feeling that getting into a relationship means giving up my independence and losing a part of myself. And then I think the other part is I don’t know if he’s quite the right guy – it sounds shallow, but appearance is definitely a factor, and then also idk I’m worried that if things go pear shaped I won’t be able to be friends with everyone anymore. Idk, I’m just not sure. Tom keeps laughing at my indecision but honestly it’s so bad lol. And I don’t know why I keep pushing people away – is it a self defence mechanism or something? It’s very unhelpful lol and only serves to make things difficult. I haven’t quite worked this one out, but hopefully I will at some point?

On to the next thing – piano. So I’ve been playing casually all semester and really enjoying it! I think not having the pressure to play super well all the time and to just have fun is really great, but is also a little restrictive in terms of progress. At the moment I’m playing a lot of music from the movie Amelie and also Goodbye Lenin, as well as some Studio Ghibli stuff. For some reason it feels a lot better than playing violin, which I haven’t been doing too much of lately – I think a break is probably a good thing, but it also feels sad to let it go. I haven’t even applied for AYO this year, which just feels so strange. Also, I quit SYO – weirdly they never emailed me back or anything, and that doesn’t feel great, but yeah. Idk. It feels like I’m just letting go of so many things in my life which is strange – I’m so used to being committed to a million and one things, and it’s weird to just enjoy doing stuff for the sake of it how most people do, in the way of hobbies. It’ll definitely take some time to adjust to it, but hopefully I’ll get there at some point.

But actually, one thing I have picked up this semester is boxing, and it’s been bloody great. I struggled so much last year to let go of karate and try something new, but somehow I’ve managed to do it this year and I honestly feel as if I’m learning so much. Learning boxing has been a radically different experience to karate – the environment is much more full on, fast paced and intense, which to be honest is a good thing for me I think. My fitness has improved markedly, I’m more toned and feel good. The only thing I wished was a bit better is that individuals don’t get all that much attention, but you can’t win everything I suppose. But hell, I’m really enjoying it – might even be doing a fight in October, though the prospect is a little nerve-wracking. Will probably be doing a kata competition in August as well for karate, so that’ll be interesting !

This semester has really been great. I feel so much more settled in Sydney, my friendships feel much more secure and I finally feel like things are falling into place. I know I take a long time to settle in to places, but I really didn’t anticipate it taking this long lol, but I’m glad that it’s happening at all. It’s nice to feel like some kind of equilibrium has been hit, and that it’s a bit different but a bit the same as what it is at home. Also, it’s great to not be constantly missing home all the time – of course I miss family, friends and Perth itself, but it’s no longer at the front of my mind constantly and stressing me out. Not really looking forward to all the changes that next semester will bring though; everyone is going on exchange and Hintze 3 is going to be weirdly different after the break. And man the bloody room drama – at least Jesse is moving up, but I wish Charlotte was too, but also there was the whole beef with Will and blergh it’s just been annoying.

Speaking of that drama – one of the changes this sem is that I’m not as close to Will as I was before. We kinda grew apart, in part from me getting tired of having him hover all the time wanting to talk about Perth and music, and I don’t think he’s all too happy about it – he apparently things ‘I’ve changed’. But like what else is to be expected? People change and grow up, and normally friendships change to reflect that…I’m not really sure what to do about it. I’m just glad that he won’t be moving to Hintze. The whole room drama just felt very childish…

I think that’s it from me for the moment – Jesse’s just wandered in asking me to chill. Kathryn’s leaving tomorrow so should probably go hang out – things are going to be so weird next sem without her and everyone else ! But yeah. Will try and update soon.