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#let me exist and be vibrant!! and encourage it dammit!!
gigglebug · 10 months
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#sherrif rambles#a lot has been said about the recovery from abuse and trauma etc. etc.#but like. to me none of it really means anything or even compares to actually going through that experience#because holy shit#therapist and I pinpointed an issue which basically boils down to childhood emotional neglect that STILL affects me#and just. it sucks man.#realizing some of your RL relationships have just been... chasing a carrot for a scrap of affection#and then not even getting either the carrot or the affection#setting aside time to hang out or do something and then they're busy every time#and my first instinct is to question myself if I'm being too needy because they didn't show#no! I'm allowed to want stuff and be mad or disappointed when it doesn't happen!#but recovering from emotional neglect is so freaking difficult#that I just keep doing it. keep letting it happen because maybe 'it's all in my head' and 'overreacting'#I'm exhausted. I want it to end. I want people who like spending time with me that I won't have to beg and struggle to get it!#it just. hurts.#I don't want to do this anymore.#I don't want to pretend anymore.#I just want to love and be loved and not get punished for either#I'm tired of waiting around for people to stop complaining about their day and ask me about mine for once#let me exist and be vibrant!! and encourage it dammit!!#somewhat related I think I have seasonal depression#but recovering from emotional neglect makes that so much worse lmao#and all the results for coping deal with the winter SAD types#I need less sun and cold actually thanks#*sigh*
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mychemicalxmen · 4 years
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Unfinished Business
hey so I find crt’s recent interactions with the tua fandom to be sus as hell and it got me thinking about the most plausible way I could see him comin back in s3 and the conclusion I came to is a way-shorter and way-simpler version of whatever the hell this is so uhhhh here
2.9k, klave/klave-adjacent
... ... ...
“Is this really a good idea?”
Allison’s words are gentle as she stands in the doorway of Klaus’s room. Well, not his room, per se, but the grey-walled, undecorated space that would’ve been his bedroom in a timeline gone by. The Sparrow Academy doesn’t seem to be a huge fan of homey-ness. They’d ever-so-kindly granted the Umbrellas two nights’ stay in these cold cells while they gathered their bearings and prepared to face the new world they’d fantastically screwed up.
Klaus smiles at her question. “That’s hardly stopped me before, right?”
Allison rolls her eyes and drops her hands onto her hips. “I’m worried about you, okay?”
“Don’t be,” Klaus answers with a swatting gesture. “It’s been easy-peasy since I’ve dropped the pills. Parlor tricks. Did this song and dance tons of times for Madame.”
“Also, we need to unpack your relationship to ‘Madame’ at your earliest convenience.”
Klaus raises an eyebrow mischievously. “What happens in Dallas...!”
Allison sighs. “Okay, well, if things start to get, y’know, mega-spooky panic-time, you’ll just yell, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, sure.”
“Hey.” Allison’s voice is suddenly calmer. Klaus’s gaze snaps up to meet hers. “You’re sure about this?”
Klaus lets himself breathe for a moment. Tension fights to seize his limbs. He’s really about to do it.
His first six months of sobriety were the absolute nightmare that he knew they would be. They were all the sleepless nights, trembling hands, emotional eruptions, and torturous visions that he’d predicted.
But at some point, his powers became less like a stubborn faucet, run by an on/off switch with not much in between. With time (and Ben’s encouragement), he’d come to better understand his link to the other side. He’d learned how to cut and re-engage the connection at will, how to find faces in the crowd, how to call one forth, and how to sleep peacefully.
Most nights.
“I’m sure,” he says solidly.
He checks himself over, tugging his brightly striped shirt into place, tucking in his dog tag, and running a hand through the hair he’d half-considered chopping off the second he made it home. When he looks back up at Allison, he‘s feeling a bit less brave. “Do I look alright?”
Allison nods with a little grin. “You look great.” God, he wishes they’d reconnected far before this Dallas fiasco. She just cares so much. “Good luck,” she says.
“Love you, sis.” He blows her a lazy kiss as she leaves and closes the door behind her.
He paces around the room, steeling himself for the process. Like he said, it’s no big deal. Easy peasy. Even with that hiccup with alcohol, he’s clean enough to pull it off. He shakes out the last of his nerves with a couple tiny hops before settling in the middle of the room.
He stands firmly, feet apart, and drops his head. He squeezes his fists and lets the energy start to crackle between his fingers.
With all the insanity of this timeline, he needs to know what happened in 1968. He needs to see Dave.
It’s tougher to contact someone not already in the room. He focuses everything he has, and the energy pulses faster and stronger. Come on, come on…
“Klaus?”
He looks up with a start.
There he is, standing four feet in front of him. Those torn-up fatigues. Those searching blue eyes. That curly mess of blonde hair he hasn’t seen for three years.
Dave.
Klaus can’t keep the dumb smile off of his face.
“Hey there, soldier,” he practically whispers.
“Hey yourself,” Dave says - happy, though clearly disoriented. “Guess you weren’t making up all that ‘future’ junk after all.”
Klaus’s affirmative laugh is airy. But when his eyes trail down to the cavity in Dave’s chest, his heart aches in regret.
His jaw aches too. What a week it’s been.
“I have... so much to ask you,” Dave goes on. “It’s been a long time.”
Klaus swallows. Here goes. The million dollar question.
“Uh… How long of a time, exactly?”
He unconsciously holds his breath.
Dave glances to the side. “...Right around when JFK was shot. Must’ve been ‘63?”
Klaus exhales and sits on the bed, face blank.
Dave is wincing at his own memories. “God, I was such a dumb kid, I’m so sorry that you—”
Klaus isn’t hearing him. He’s too caught up on that number. 63.
If the Umbrella Academy doesn’t exist, Klaus Hargreeves doesn’t grow up in the same home as Five Hargreeves. He doesn’t get kidnapped by assassins. He doesn’t get his hands on a briefcase. He doesn’t go to Vietnam.
If the Umbrella Academy doesn’t exist, neither does the Dave that fell in love with him.
His Dave is gone. Really gone. 
This Dave was the timid hardware store employee he’d tried to get through to, striving to save his life and instead locking in his fate a few days early. This Dave is still the same person as the other one was. Same upbringing, same interests, same compassion, same smile, same violent death. But...
“—a strange time for anyone. You know how it is.”
Klaus tunes back in to Dave apologizing for his cringey adolescence. “No, no, yeah, I get it, don’t worry about it.”
In the pause that follows, Klaus feels his throat tighten and hot tears threaten to drop down his face.
Within the same pause, Klaus realizes the obvious. Dave is a ghost.
Kiddos and grandmas, or anyone who’s achieved either nothing or everything that their life had to offer them, they get the window to move on right away. One-way ticket to the Great Beyond, or the next life, or whatever the hell it is. Ultimate FastPass, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. Klaus has learned that spirits don’t tend to stick around on earth unless they have unfinished business. Sometimes they don’t even know what they need to do to start fresh, and that’s always the worst. Those souls become the bitterest, the loudest, the most tortured. Those were the ones who gave him hell in the mausoleum, with question after question that he couldn’t even begin to answer.
Dave seems to have managed okay. Probably spends a lot of time watching over his friends, his sisters, his neighbor’s cat. Klaus wonders what he could possibly have left to do.
“Major case of unfinished business you got there, huh?” Klaus asks. “Been waiting around, what, fifty years?”
Dave squints. “Well, it’s hard to feel it. Time works a little funny over here.”
“Right, of course it does,” Klaus recalls stupidly. He sniffles and swipes a hand under his eye as nonchalantly as he can. “Ah. Any idea what the little brat is waiting for you to do?”
Dave gives a tentative chuckle. “Brat?”
“Oh, Big G, the almighty, you know,” Klaus clarifies. “The bitch on the bike. I met Her once or twice. We’re not too chummy.”
Dave shows startlement, then shakes his head, acknowledging that this information should hardly faze him at this point. “Um. Yeah. Don’t know what She wants yet. Though She’s actually a cowgirl for me.”
“Of course She is.” 
And that’s the idiotic comment that causes Klaus’s voice to crack.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Dave asks. He hazards a few steps closer.
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
“No... Nothing,” Klaus stammers. He briefly covers his face and lets out a groan. “Ughhh, it’s going to sound crazy.”
“Really think you can beat ‘Time-Traveling Cult Leader with Prophetic Dog Tags and Tidings of Death’?”
“It wasn’t a cult,” Klaus mumbles in futility. He drops his hands and gives it his best shot. “The first time I met you - first time I met Dave - was in a totally different timeline, in 1968. That’s how I knew all that stuff about you. And you died the same way, except I was there the first time. The other time. The same time?”
“You and ...’Other Dave’.... fought together,” Dave offers.
“Yes!” Klaus confirms, relieved that he’s making sense. “Yeah, exactly. Which is why I tried to stop him - you - from going.” He indicates Dave’s abdomen. “And, obviously, I failed. But because of some stuff my family screwed up along the way, you never fought with me, so I remember a lot more than you do, and it’s all just...” He gestures helplessly. “A real kick in the dick.”
Dave tilts his head in a mix of sympathy and confusion. “That... does sound pretty crap.”
Klaus doesn’t expect it when Dave sits next to him on his bed.
“You want to tell me what I missed?”
“Oh, no, no, no, Dave, you don’t want that. That’s a long story.”
Dave shrugs. “I’ve got some time to kill.”
Klaus manages a smile. Talking will keep him from crying.
He tries his best to tell everything chronologically, but almost every step of the beginning requires some Hargreeves Family Lore that he reluctantly recaps as efficiently as possible. Dave is an exceptional listener. Always has been. He lets Klaus ramble on and on and asks little questions now and again to get a clearer picture. Klaus appreciates Dave’s effort to form a coherent narrative out of the scattered snapshots that time has left him with.
Klaus stumbles with pronouns. He makes a point to refer to His Dave with “him” as opposed to “you”, but he can’t help but slip a few times in the middle. Dave seems to understand.
Klaus tells him about the day they met. He waters down the Time Police part of the tale and focuses on what came after. Dropping into the tent at dawn. The casual conversation on the bus. The strange instinct that he got to stick around for a few days.
He tells him about soldiering. He tells Dave how focused and respected he looked on the battlefield. But he also tells him how kind he was to new recruits.
He tells him about their first R&R together in Saigon. He tells him about the vibrant bar and the strangest music and the secluded back hallway.
He tells him about the nights in the jungle they’d stayed up and dreamed up plans for when they’d go home together. He tells him about the day those plans fell apart. When Klaus runs out of story to tell, he just stops. Dave looks at him thoughtfully. Klaus can only imagine what must be running through his head. He knows it’s not judgement, or embarrassment, or anger, or loathing. Dave is too sweet for any of that.
Dave is too good for the rotten fortune that found him, time and time again.
“I’m sorry,” Klaus says.
“For what?”
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t save him,” Klaus answers. He fumbles again. “You. Him? Young Dave?”
“I’m getting a headache keeping track of it myself,” Dave admits.
“You,” Klaus settles on. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”
Dave looks into him for a breath. Then, he reaches out and touches his arm. Klaus wants to dissolve into dust.
“I think I understand why I loved you,” Dave says.
A bittersweet laugh tumbles ungracefully from Klaus’s mouth. He tries not to draw attention to the new round of tears that spills over with it. “You do?”
“Yeah. I do.” Dave gives him the gentlest smile. “You shouldn’t be sorry. You tried so hard. I could’ve had more courage, fought back, ran away, something, but I just... wasn’t ready.” He glances down. “And I wasn’t going to be.”
Klaus’s hand closes over Dave’s on his arm.
“But I always remembered you,” Dave adds. “I always thought you were brave.”
“Goddamn, I was convinced I’d pushed your Big Awakening back a good two months, at least.”
“Far from,” Dave assures. His eyes crinkle with the flash of a memory. “I’m... not sure if I should tell you this.”
Klaus cocked his head. “Well, shit, Davey, now you have to.”
“I’m assuming Other Me told you something about Bill, right? Met in junior year, moved to Austin after school, always a bit of suspicion there...”
“Yeah?”
Dave’s face reddens slightly. “I mean, it wasn’t anything serious, but there were a few weeks when I was home, before this last tour...”
Klaus’s eyes widen. This was not an event on his timeline. He mocks outrage and pushes Dave’s hand away. “David Joseph Katz—!”
“The point is,” Dave poorly stifles a laugh, “I had hope. That it was gonna be alright, and that after this round, I’d be back in America for good, and I’d find my place.”
Hope.
Klaus supposes hope is nice. It’s just not terribly helpful with the way things panned out. In the world where Dave still didn’t make it home. In the world where he’s stuck here, waiting for a way to move on. In the world where he’s still around to see how little good that hope did him. And frustration starts to churn Klaus’s stomach, even though he knows...
“...This really wasn’t your fault,” Dave says, reading him just as perfectly as he could in ‘68.
Klaus hadn’t noticed how long he’d fallen silent for. “I know,” he mumbles, and logically, he does. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. There had to be a timeline out there where everything ended up alright, where him and Dave lived happily together just like they’d talked about, but he is never going to find it now.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “And I still love him. Christ, he made one of the deadliest shitshows in American history the only place I wanted to be. He made me the happiest that I’ve been in a long, long time. He made me feel so treasured. So... strong.”
When the tears return a third time, he stops trying to hide them. He carelessly wipes the heel of his palm across his cheek.
“I wanted to tell him all that,” he finishes. “He gave me something so special that I don’t think I’ll get again.”
A sob escapes Klaus. Dave patiently waits for him to work it out.
“I know I’m not him,” Dave starts, “But for what it’s worth, I think he’d know you still love him. I think it’d destroy him to be apart from you. But I don’t think he’d want you to destroy yourself.”
Klaus knows the spiel that’s coming, and so badly does he want to dismiss it all as disgusting cliche. But he also knows Dave’s sappy tendencies well enough to know that, in this case, it’s probably accurate. Hell, he’s hearing it from the man himself.
“If you couldn’t get back to him, I think he’d just want to know you were happy,” Dave says. “You know? That you kept moving and kept taking care of yourself. And kept looking for the kind of love you deserve.”
Dave shifts to face him more directly. His eyes are bright with intention. “You have so much life left in you. You deserve a new chapter.”
Klaus feels beaten and weary all over. His mind is finally slowing down to the present.
When Dave subtly opens up his arms, he eagerly takes the offer to wrap him in an embrace.
This is the last he’ll see of him. He can feel it. He tucks his chin over Dave’s shoulder and clings onto the fabric of his vest, eyes shut, trying to commit every sensation to memory.
Dave returns, lightly weaving his hand into Klaus’s hair. Klaus recalls with a weak grin that he knew Dave would be fond of the new length.
It’s safe and sacred and almost everything that he’d planned for on that day he’d desperately wandered the mansion halls, calling out for any help he could get, twisting a bundle of rope in his quaking hands.
He hears a whisper of a wind chime.
“Shit. Shit, shit, shit,” Dave mutters.
The blue glow pierces through Klaus’s eyelids. He pulls back to look at Dave.
He’s crumbling apart, piece by piece, and drifting away. Bright light speckles the entire room.
“Klaus?” Dave asks. His voice is soft but threaded with slight fear. “Is this...?”
“Yeah, it is,” he answers. He tightens his grip on Dave’s arms. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For letting me say goodbye.”
A beat passes. Then, understanding washes over Dave’s face. He pulls Klaus close once again, stroking his hair.
He presses a kiss onto Klaus’s forehead.
Klaus doesn’t watch him go. He only opens his eyes when his arms are at last empty.
Specks of glittering blue light still float through the air. Nothing else remains but the wrinkle on the bedspread where he was sitting. Klaus’s face still feels warm where his lips were placed just moments ago.
Klaus buries his head in his hands. “Allison,” He calls out. The sound is pathetic. He clears his throat and tries again. “Allie?”
He hears her heeled boots click down the hall. He can’t bring himself to look up when she opens the door. “You okay?”
“It’s over,” he summarizes.
“What do you need?”
A joint. A fist full of pills. Five shots of tequila. A good sock in the head so he can go back to that pre-Technicolor hellscape and tell that bitch on the bike what he really thinks of Her.
“Can you just sit with me for a minute, please?”
Allison closes the door and obliges.
They talk, slowly and softly, about absolutely nothing at all, while Allison smooths her hand against Klaus’s back. They stare at the cold tile floors together for a long time. Klaus asks if it would kill the Sparrows to hire an interior decorator.
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