#let's see how disgraceful my downfall will be...

[haitaniapologist]

THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT ( haitani rindou x reader )

╰┈➤ he's insufferable, but he's yours.

pairings — haitani rindou x fem!reader.

warnings — fluff fluff fluff. no other warnings. no proofread lmao

word count — 1.3k

notes — this is for @softbajis (bc it's her birthday!!!) so it's very self indulgent but for her. anyways i hope everyone will enjoy nonetheless. also hal knows how much i love her, but let me say this here again: i wouldn't mind being killed in the 13th century if that meant i'd be able to call you my best friend for all of our lives, haleema. happy birthday!

sometimes he couldn’t understand how he was so lucky. 

haitani rindou has helped his brother kill a guy when he was in the tender age of thirteen, helped him raise an empire while being a teenager, saw and even helped with the planning of disgraceful acts while being in tenjiku. he was sure no god would ever look at him with good eyes, never expecting good things to happen in his life — he didn’t deserve them. rindou was a monster in disguise, using a beautiful face to lure both men and women alike to their downfall. 

but when he met you, he wished he had been a little more good so he would be able to call you his. 

you used to be under shuji’s wing and that used to make his blood burn with nothing but pure and raw hatred, a feeling that rindou wasn’t supposed to feel as one of bonten’s executives. he was supposed to be calm, collected and to think before doing anything else — but he couldn’t help but to feel those irrational feelings whenever he saw you laughing too excitedly to any of hanma’s poor excuse of jokes. 

and the worst part was that he thought you weren’t interested in him, that hanma occupied your whole world and blinded you to any other person trying to reach you. but nobody was there to tell him otherwise, and it seemed as if his fellow executive didn’t want to share you with anyone else, so he swallowed his pride and accepted defeat in a battle he didn’t even enter. 

but despite his acceptance of defeat, he still had one soldier fighting: haitani ran would never accept seeing his little brother looking so crestfallen, as if he was a puppy and you had kicked him when he tried to approach. rindou never tried, actually, and that was the truth — he didn’t even try to do something, the voices in his head too loud and blinded him to see how your face would lighten up whenever his purple mullet appeared in the room, or how your eyes would always find his figure even thought you were laughing at one of shuji’s jokes.

ran didn’t raise rindou to be a coward. 

sharing his first conversation with you, ran discovered the depth of your feelings towards his younger brother and how you and shuji were only best friends. you both had gone through things nobody could think of, staying at each other’s side through thick and thin, and ran could now understand why you always felt so comfortable around hanma’s company and why you worked for him in such a dangerous organization. 

but the story of how you became rindou’s woman was embarrassing, at least to him, but endearing at the same time — he would never forget how you patched him up after a failed mission, or the glint of worry in your eyes when he winced and gasped when you put pressure on his gun’s injuries. he was supposed to be protecting you, being appointed by mikey as your “bodyguard” due to the death threats you were receiving from bonten’s enemies, and not making you worry. he felt like a little kid watching as how your eyes teared up, hands aching to hold your face and whisper how much it pained him to see the woman he loved crying for him. 

but he couldn’t. you had become his best friend in the weeks he spent protecting you, and he couldn’t ruin the purest thing he had in his life. every relationship he had was tainted with guns, drugs or meaningless accords, but not you — you and rindou had grown closer without any second intentions, just the raw need of having someone to make you laugh and forget about the world’s problems for a little while. and he couldn’t ruin that with useless feelings, feelings that would make him weak and prone to do reckless things just to see a smile on your face. 

“i love you.” you whispered when you were finished, body between his legs and hands resting on his shoulders. “stop hurting yourself, rin. if not for your well-being, then for mine.” 

too stunned to speak, he watched as you continued. “it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel the same, i doubt you ever will. but stop this ache on my chest whenever you are away, and promise me you’ll stay out of harm’s way.” you poured such vulnerable words as if they were nothing, and rindou felt drawn to them — he wasn’t used to being vulnerable, his own vulnerability repulsing him to the point of throwing up, but yours was beautiful. the way your eyes shone with tears glossing them, the way your words pierced his heart but at the same time healed the wounds. 

the words failed him but, before you could get away from his presence and probably ask mikey to change your bodyguard, he brought your body closer to his, lips ghosting your own — he was afraid to kiss you, afraid that the feeling of his lips on yours would make you wake up and noticed that, somehow, your feelings weren’t true and you were truly in love with hanma. but you only pressed them hard against his, and he could feel the taste of your strawberry chapstick and tears on your lips. 

from now on, you two became inseparable. and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, how good life was being to him. whenever you smiled at him, or kissed him goodbye before he left for a mission, or said how handsome and how much you loved him during random times of the times, he was afraid it would be the last time and lady destiny was going to notice how good he was being to such a scarred man. 

however, you proved him wrong, staying at his side through everything, even though he was being stubborn and said hurtful things for you. but he tried to be better for you every day, tried to control his tongue and be a better human being — and he noticed how his influence changed you, too, making you more relaxed and ready to experience new things without the fear of being judged. you were already perfect without him, an angel in disguise, but he loved to see how bolder you became after dating him. 

there was nothing more arousing than to see you bite back whenever one of the guys tried to tease you. 

“what are you thinking, rin-rin?” you asked, head resting on his bare shoulder and fingers tracing with the most delicacy his bonten tattoo. you noticed how quiet he became while listening to the things you did with your friends for your birthday. you giggled when he playfully rolled his eyes at the silly nickname you gave him before you two were dating, nuzzling your face on his skin. 

“just how lucky i am.” he decided not to lie, as he wanted you to be sure how much he loved you. he wasn’t the best with words and actions, like ran was, and sometimes he was afraid that you didn’t know how important you were to him. “how lucky i am to have you in life.”

you giggled once more, and rindou knew your cheeks were red because of his words. “you’re the best birthday gift i ever had, you know it, right?” ran had joked that rindou should’ve put a ribbon on his hair and give himself as your birthday gift, instead of the brazilian amethyst nickname he gave you — something you were eyeing for some time now, and he bought it before you could say how beautiful he was before the second time. 

“i thought it was the necklace i gave you.” he joked and snorted when you playfully hit his chest and pouted. “you said it this morning!” 

“you’re insufferable.” you tried to turn around on his hold, but rindou held you even tighter, arms around your waist to keep exactly where you were. 

“but you love me for it.” 

“.... yes.”

[ofspaceandearth]

"April's fools? The act of foolishness by mortal kind could not be contained to a singular day, no- it would be that of every single day since they were given proper autonomy. The very first time they were allowed to form a proper thought was the beginning of the end for their downfall. A tragedy in the making before they even knew it, and yet the gods were inept enough not to see them in action and believe they did not need further guidance. Perhaps that is because they are as foolish as the very creations they claim to nurture through inaction. A laughable, disgraceful choice without any forethought or reflection as to what could come from letting them do as they wish. Do they not understand the consequences of their actions? The folly of their decisions? I, Zamasu, would deem this as their greatest flaw the second I had observed the multiverses' supposed deities take no action in correcting how mortals behave, and ignoring how ignorant, violent, and despicable they had quickly proven themselves to be. To not nip the root of the problem in the bud is unforgivable and only a testament as to how the very gods should not have been given power to use incorrect as they have. Only I, Zamasu, could hope to understand the importance and the severity of my actions and hope to bring peace and understanding to the multitude of universes as they so properly deserve! Both mortal and deities take part in such inane and flawed actions, so only that which is without flaw should be the one to correct them and establish an unending utopia that may yet heal from the damage inflicted on it by fools and the ignorant! There is no one else that could be so understanding as to what the multiverse needs, what will truly ensure that peace may be established, and how to absolutely secure this peace other than the one true being that has the compassion to do what must be done!"

"That being is none other than I, Zamasu!!!"

[sapphicthunderhead]

I need to talk about Dr. Manuela Dominguez (from The Magnus Archives). This woman Drives Me Insane. [TL; DR at the bottom.]

She is initially presented as a textbook mad scientist: a disgraced astrophysicist bent on ending the world as we know it. But with every nuance and detail introduced about this character over the course of the narrative, my understanding of her shifted. By the end, I felt as if the person she described at the beginning of her first Statement was completely divorced from the twisted thing she became— which is the repugnant truth of what happens to Fear Avatars.

Some key details from her first Statement that really struck me: 1) I can really see myself in her love for physics and her ambition. 2) Her alienation from her fanatically religious, “vicious” parents is a big contributor to her downfall, but never remotely presented as an excuse for her actions. 3) She is so utterly unrepentant.

Regarding her parents: She saw the inconsistencies and hypocrisy in their bigoted beliefs about what is “unnatural,” likely in part because, she says, “I found myself crossing that line from an early age. Although, strangely, out of everything I was, it was always my desire to pursue a scientific career that they railed against with the most energy” (MAG 135: Dark Matter).

(I could be projecting, but this line has caused me to speculate that she might also be gay. If so, it would certainly add another level of pain &/or frustration to her home situation.)

But young Dominguez disregards her parents’ ludicrous exhortations and goes on to become an an expert on dark matter (mysterious masses that cover much of the universe and do not emit, absorb, or interact with photons) and dark energy (mysterious force which may be responsible for the expansion of the universe).

It is in the process of researching these phenomena that she has a spiritual awakening of the worst kind. She soon becomes a disciple and eventually second-in-command to Maxwell Rayner, ringleader of the cult of the Dark, the Church of the Divine Host (said Host being Rayner). As a cultist, she goes on a mission aboard the vessel of allied Fears that is the Daedalus space station. There, she creates The Extinguished Sun— a sun made of dark matter, which the Church uses as a focal point in their ritual of the same name to bring about eternal darkness.

That brings us to the point where this character loses my sympathy in the same way Callum (Rayner’s partial reincarnation?) did in S5. The Extinguished Sun ritual involves keeping Marked individuals (which events in S5 lead me to fear may be predominantly children) trapped and terrified in the dark for extended periods of time, and then sacrificing them to the Dark via drowning, in a callback to the manner in which Halley/Rayner was killed/reborn as a vessel of the infinite darkness that predates time itself.

So How Am I To Cope??? Do you know how often I come across women as mad scientists in media— let alone ones who are ambiguously implied to be gay?! Not often!

But there is a possibility she kills kids, and I can’t tolerate that shite, so all I am left with is immeasurable disappointment in her lack of conscience, and in her for joining a cult instead of getting therapy, and in her parents for being dicks, and in those who have purveyed ignorance and engaged in cruelty “in the name of God” both historically and unto the modern day, and in society for the continued existence of systemic sexism (and other biases), and in the limited number of women, POC, and LGBT+ individuals portrayed as mad (and regular, marginally less fun) scientists in media, etc… It’s quite the web of inequity and suffering, stretching between this world and the fictional.

Dr. Manuela Dominguez is a character who makes me sad that there aren’t more women mad scientist characters in media. If there were, it perhaps might not hurt so much to see her progress from someone whose trials, goals, and motivations I can understand and empathize with, to an unredeemable child killer.

To clarify, I don’t believe the author’s writing of this character was bad or sexist. I don’t feel the same morose regret about what could have been when it comes to Jude Perry; I do when it comes to Agnes Montague; I don’t when it comes to Gertrude; etc. I think that Jonny intended for the audience to at least passively ponder the person that Dr. Dominguez could have been, under different circumstances. It is a feature of the writing of all the Avatars.

One of the core themes of the series is this: How do circumstances (such as economic systems, wink wink nudge nudge) shape people? Dr. Dominguez is just one of many disheartening answers to that question.

TL;DR: Dr. Dominguez started out as a victim of bad parenting, and eventually into an even more sick and twisted version of her parents, who she despised as a child for their zealotry and cruelty. But this might not hurt me so bad to think about if 1) I didn’t relate so much to her younger self, as an aspiring physicist and a sapphic trying to shake off the message that everything that brings me joy is “unnatural” and 2) if she wasn’t the first character I thought of when trying to recall women mad scientists in media.

For those who feel like looking for other fem mad scientists in podcasts, I believe Ava the theoretical physicist from Midnight Burger and doctor/assassin Vespa Ilkay from Penumbra both count. For a sane fem scientist, try the marine biologist protagonist from DOWN. If you think of any others in any kind of media, you’re welcome to respond in the comments or tags.

(I know of Poison Ivy, as well as the more sane Dr. Sattler from “Jurassic Park” and Dr. Calvin from Isaac Asimov’s “I, Robot,” and I appreciate them. You may leave them out of the replies.)

[joachimnapoleon]

Book Review: My Brother Napoleon

(Dedicated to @usergreenpixel for all the great reviews she's written for us. :)

I only recently found out this book existed, thanks to someone randomly posting a picture of the cover on Facebook. I couldn't find much info about it other than that it was a historical fiction novel. The one garbled review about it I came across described it as being about "Josephine's brother Napoleon."

Overall I came away with pretty mixed feelings; didn't hate it, didn't love it.

The book was published in 1971 (this seems to have been a little golden period for Caroline-related books; both Joan Bear's biography of her, and Hubert Cole's dual biography of her and Murat, came out the following year).

It is written in the first person (which, as I mentioned in an earlier post about it, I'm not a huge fan of), from the perspective of Caroline. It starts off with Caroline describing how she fell in love (or rather, lust) with Murat the first time she saw him, at Mombello when she was only fifteen years old. This also happens to be her first time seeing Napoleon's new wife, Josephine, for whom she develops a seething hatred that day because... well, the rest of the family hates Josephine, and she also makes Caroline conscious of her own shortcomings.

Her gracefulness irritated me and made me feel uncouth. I resolved there and then to do all I could, along with the rest of my family, to bring about her disgrace and downfall.

Luckily Murat swaggers in shortly thereafter and Caroline's bloodlust recedes back into regular lust. Of course Napoleon won't hear of her marrying Murat, who has a sordid reputation (which includes rumors of him having slept with Josephine). Caroline is promptly sent off to Madame Campan's school, where she meets her future arch-rival, the cloyingly sweet and naive Hortense, whom she is determined to loathe from day one.

Eventually Caroline has her way and Napoleon caves and lets her marry Murat. Murat is sent to Italy while Caroline is pregnant. When she gives birth to her first son, all she can think of is maneuvering to have him made the heir of Napoleon, who is still childless. Napoleon eventually sends her to join Murat in Italy, where she finds her husband has been sleeping with a different woman every night. They have their first major quarrel followed by some nice make-up sex and Caroline is soon pregnant again. She ends up back in Paris for a time, until Napoleon finds out Murat is accepting bribes in Italy, ratted out to an agent of Fouché by one of his captains. Caroline returns to Italy and helps Murat set the captain up to take the fall instead; the captain ends up hanging himself after his arrest. Napoleon finds all this very much amusing and rewards Caroline for it by making her husband the Governor of Paris, and jokingly says he should make Caroline Minister of Police.

Caroline and Napoleon have an interesting dynamic. Napoleon routinely invites her into his confidence to a greater extent than any of his other siblings, whose ineptitude he is constantly lamenting, and even lets her speak her mind on politics and the course he should take--but his mood is unpredictable, and when Caroline crosses the wrong line (which she does, frequently), he can lose his temper quickly. There are also some scenes where he assigns her to undertake certain little covert missions for him in a manner reminiscent of M and James Bond.

Your task, Caroline, is to gain Moreau's confidence and discover whether or not he is interested in removing me by an act of violence.

Napoleon also delights in seeing her fume over her siblings acquired titles while she remains without one. She gets the upper hand here, at last; after working herself into a full-on fainting spell over Napoleon's refusal to name her a Princess, Napoleon drafts an announcement for the Moniteur on the spot announcing all his siblings have been raised to the rank of Princes and Princesses.

Of course this isn't enough to satisfy Caroline, especially once the crowns start being doled out and arch-rival Hortense ends up becoming the Queen of Holland. But for the time being there are more important things to worry about: like pimping out her ladies-in-waiting to Napoleon so he can prove he's capable of making babies, since this is the best way to guarantee Josephine's downfall. Eventually it works, and the Bonaparte family have their Pyrrhic victory: Josephine is divorced, but announces on her way out that she's taking Napoleon's star with her. By this point, Caroline has achieved her goal of becoming a Queen; Napoleon has entrusted her with keeping her volatile husband under control in Naples.

Caroline is chosen by Napoleon to escort Marie-Louise, his new wife, back to France. Caroline wants to befriend Marie-Louise for mostly selfish political purposes, but despite the new Empress' bovine-like demeanor and naiveté, she proves immune to Caroline's wiles. Caroline eventually returns to Naples, and the brief interlude during which her relationship with Murat had reached the height of affection is soon at an end. Caroline is pregnant again, but ends up having a miscarriage. Murat blames her for the miscarriage, and their relationship marks a permanent turn for the worse.

Thereafter his moods became unpredictable. He was friendly one moment, antagonistic the next. I had once feared for his reason, and now that old fear was revived. It seemed to me that Murat had become two separate personalities.

It isn't just the miscarriage, but also Murat's growing belief that Caroline wants to oust and/or control him, combined with his growing disillusion about Napoleon's treatment of him.

This is the first point in the book where Murat is actually given any real substance or personality other than being a sex-crazed buffoon who makes an occasional snide quip here and there. King Joachim wants to do what is best for his subjects; he chafes under Napoleon's rules, wanting to be able to trade with countries other than France. He is already starting to envision himself as an independent King of a united Italy; this happens at the same time Caroline is growing increasingly fearful of Napoleon's own megalomania.

Napoleon, as I realize now, was completely crazy at this moment; crazier than Murat and far more dangerously so. But I was carried away by the hypnotic influence of his words, or more correctly by the hypnotic influence of his voice alone. I believe in him as one, with a bent for religion, believes in God. He had cast me into a sort of religious trance.

But after the debacle of the Russian invasion, Murat is convinced Napoleon's downfall is on the horizon, and Caroline is reluctantly forced to reach the same conclusion. When Austria sends Count Adam von Neipperg to Naples to speed along treaty negotiations with Murat, Caroline promptly takes him to bed to help things along (the latest in her line of lovers, which also includes, but is not limited to, Moreau, Junot, Daure, Lavauguyon, an unnamed Austrian ambassador, General Mcdonald, and a Monsieur Clavel).

But Murat balks at signing the treaty when the time comes; Caroline tricks him into doing it. His mind completely unhinged by the strain of the situation, he mistakes Caroline for the visiting Madame Récamier, and signs what Caroline tells him is a "confession of ingratitude and treachery to the Emperor Napoleon." In the morning, Murat has no memory of the scene, and declares that he must have been drunk, but decides to let the treaty stand since Napoleon is doomed anyway.

Anyone who knows the real story can guess the rest: Napoleon falls (twice); Murat goes to war with Austria, loses, flees to France, and ultimately ends up facing a firing squad in Calabria; Caroline ends up in exile in Trieste. Kenyon's Caroline is utterly emotionless in describing any of this, or anything else in the book, really. She is very much a carbon copy of Turquan's Caroline: a Machiavellian succubus, capable of lust, malice, intrigue, and little else. If that was what Kenyon was going for, he nailed it. If he wanted to make her relatable or empathetic, not so much. Stylistically speaking, Kenyon isn't a bad writer, but the only character that really had any significant depth in this story was Napoleon. He could've done so much more to flesh out the complexity of her relationship with/feelings for Murat, and I couldn't help but be disappointed by just how shallow this aspect of the book is. The part describing Murat's death and Napoleon's exile to Caroline is short and very matter-of-fact, and I genuinely can't tell if Kenyon was simply incapable of empathizing with Caroline or if he truly just didn't think she possessed actual normal human emotions like love or grief, or introspection, and just wrote her accordingly. But she just comes across, from start to finish, as very wooden and almost non-human. Having not read any of Kenyon's other books, I can't say whether this is par for the course with his characterization or not.

What I did like about the book were the depictions of the Bonaparte family squabbles, which were entertaining and well-written, and Napoleon in general (Kenyon seemed to have a good read on him, at least). And Caroline's back-and-forth with the unexpectedly combative Marie-Louise during their carriage ride back to France together was also a fun scene.

If I had to give it a rating, I'd go with a 6/10. It had its moments, and the writing isn't bad, but I just couldn't help but be disappointed by the characterizations of both Caroline and Murat.

[judasrpc]

I LOVE YOU, I'M TRYING (2023 ALBUM) STARTERS

add context & change gendered language to your needs !! contains explicit / graphic content pertaining to suicide, violence, drugs, and similar potentially upsetting themes !! if multi, please specify which muse(s) !!

" A promise was spoken. Now you're gone and I'm broken. "

" And I hope that you grow old with me, and we turn up 'til we're seventy. "

" And I made a best friend out of the skeleton in the closet. "

" Baby, I know that I've been actin' strange lately. "

" But back in her day, oh, she had a bad tempter. "

" But I'm a phony, I'm a psycho. My ego follows me wherever I go. "

" But it's too late for me, I should've learned earlier. "

" Do I exist if I don't exist on the internet? "

" Don't know how I'm gonna take much more. "

" Don't like who I'm becomin'. "

" Dropped the disguise, because who am I kiddin'? "

" Every day the headline seems worse, we're goin' down. "

" Everybody knows somebody with something to hide. "

" Everybody's fake and they won't quit talkin'. "

" Everything's fine, I like this. "

" God, don't let me grow up quick. "

" Good luck ran out, I can't help it. "

" Gotta find a way to get the fuck out my head. "

" Gotta find a way to get the fuck outta bed. "

" Growin' up ain't like how I pictured it. "

" Guess I gotta die to get my celebration. "

" Guess I'm on my own now. "

" Hang up quick because I hate goodbye. "

" He's more young, he's more handsome. "

" How can I relax? The end is imminent. "

" How many last chances will I get? "

" How many times can I let you down with regret? "

" How much can I ask for 'til you walk out that door? "

" How the hell is everyone on autopilot? "

" Hurt me one more time. "

" I became a version of myself I don't like. "

" I can't face that I've come undone. "

" I can't promise I won't think it again. "

" I contemplated suicide in that Days Inn. "

" I could barely pay the rent singin' to an empty room. "

" I could explode. "

" I don't have a problem. "

" I don't know why I'm running away. "

" I feel fuckin' awesome. "

" I get mad, I throw tantrums. "

" I gotta be the man, you see. "

" I just wanna be a rockstar with a million people followin'. "

" I keep letting you down. "

" I know I need help, but instead I'm … "

" I need a savior, but if not me, who? "

" I need to switch up the life I'm livin'. "

" I said it gets better. We both know I'm lying. "

" I swear, I never wanna let them down. "

" I swore to the downfall of the darkness inside me. "

" I think about death, I don't fear that shit. "

" I wanna feel alive. "

" I wanna unload all of these shotgun shells. "

" I was flirting with surrender evermore. "

" I was getting high in the bathroom. "

" I was the man last week. "

" I was thinkin' about that day last summer. "

" I wish I got to save you. "

" I wish I knew it was goodbye. "

" I wouldn't be here without you. "

" I'd rather be the one that faded. "

" I'll close my eyes, 'cause I know that this won't end. "

" I'm in dismay! I'm not alright. Hate to say it, but … "

" I'm isolated and overstimulated at the same time. "

" I'm not sure that anything matters at all. "

" I'ma give him hell, kill him and kill myself. "

" I've come too far to give in, now, and I don't wanna hit the ground. "

" I've got sunshine when you're near. All my problems disappear. "

" If I had one call, would you pick up? "

" If I never get to say this: I'm proud of you. "

" If I spoke too loud that my voice might crack. "

" If you wake up and I'm gone, I just hope you sing along to the eulogy. "

" If not now, when? "

" If you ever need anything, and I don't pick up, well, you still got a friend in me. "

" Imagination is all I got now. "

" It was a midsummer's day, rainin' steadily when they came to reclaim the disgraced celebrity. "

" It's about time for a quarter-life crisis. "

" It's more fun to be unaware. "

" It's sad to reflect on the lack of respect that I have for the things I have. "

" Keep it in the family for today. "

" Know I should face it, but I'm runnin'. "

" Life is cruel and unforgiving. "

" Look at how we've all grown up fast. "

" Made this bed, I guess that we lie in it. "

" Maybe someday this will all make sense. "

" My life's fallin' apart, but I love it. "

" Need you to like me, so I keep bottling bad thoughts. Swallowing pills; wallowing thrills. "

" Never been better, life's priceless. "

" Never got to thank you. "

" No, I don't wanna beat the habit. "

" Now I'm barely holdin' on. "

" Oh, hey, maybe just ignore it, it'll go away. "

" Oh, I wish there was someone else I could be. I would do it, but I am stuck here with me. "

" Only one thing that takes care of me: Self-sabotage [is] the only way to find clarity. "

" Or so he thought. "

" Ready to give up, deep down [I] started to doubt that. "

" Rest in peace to my positivity, all it's given me is false hope. "

" Shit, I don't even know if I'm still myself. "

" Shout into the void, and the void shouts back. "

" Some even thought that he was still alive. "

" Strugglin' to make sense of these thoughts trapped in my mind. "

" Tell me one good lie so I can sleep at night. "

" Tell me why I can't understand. "

" Tell me, what's the point of living in a world so unforgiving? "

" That attention, he got high for it. To live forever, he had to die for it. "

" The closer I get, the closer I feel like I could scream and start a riot. "

" They make it so easy. "

" This is a trap, I know that shit. "

" Tried medication. Tried therapy. They only seemed to help temporarily. "

" Trust the feelin' and I still get burned. "

" Want it so bad, it takes all control of me. "

" We are not alone. Can you keep a secret? "

" We ignored his cries and pleas until we posted his RIP's. It's ironic. "

" Well, I'm sick of bein' underrated. "

" What's a dead end to a dead man walkin'? "

" What's the point of living without you? "

" Why am I here without you? "

" And now that I'm here without you, the words have no meanin'. "

" I made you cry. "

" I will be here when you're ready to wake up. "

[officialyourdailyinspiration]

Judgment Against Surrounding Nations

1 About Ammon’s children, thus says Adonai: “Has Israel no sons? Has he no heir? Why then did Malcam dispossess Gad and his people settled in its towns? 2 Therefore behold, days are coming” —it is a declaration of Adonai— “when I will sound an alarm of war heard against Rabbah of Ammon! It will become a mound of ruins. Her villages will be burned with fire. Then Israel will dispossess those who dispossessed him.” it is a declaration of Adonai. 3 “Wail, Heshbon, for Ai is devastated! Cry, daughters of Rabbah! Wear sackcloth, lament, and run to and fro within the walls, for Malcam will go into captivity together with his priests and princes. 4 Why do you brag about valleys— your flowing valley, faithless daughter? Trusting in your treasures: ‘Who will come against me?’ 5 I am about to bring terror on you” —a declaration of my Lord Adonai-Tzva’ot— “from all those around you. Each of you will be banished headlong, with no one to gather the fugitives. 6 Yet afterward I will restore Ammon’s children from exile.” It is a declaration of Adonai.

7 About Edom, thus says Adonai-Tzva’ot: “Is there no longer wisdom in Teman? Is counsel lost to the prudent? Has their wisdom vanished? 8 Flee! Turn back! Stay low, inhabitants of Dedan, for I will bring Esau’s calamity on him at the time that I punish him. 9 If grape gatherers came to you, would they not leave gleanings? If thieves came at night, would they not destroy only enough for themselves? 10 But I will strip Esau bare. I will uncover his hiding places, so he will not be able to hide himself. His offspring has been destroyed with his kinsmen and neighbors. So he is nothing. 11 Leave your orphans—I will keep them alive, and let your widows trust in Me.” 12 For thus says Adonai: “Behold, if those who do not deserve to drink the cup must surely drink, can you go utterly unpunished? You will not go unpunished, for you shall surely drink! 13 For I have sworn by Myself” —it is a declaration of Adonai— “that Bozrah will become a horror, a disgrace, a waste and a curse. All its towns will be ruins forever.” 14 I heard a message from Adonai. An ambassador is sent to the nations: ‘Gather together, come against her, and rise up for war!’ 15 For see, I made you least among nations, despised among men. 16 Your terrorism has deceived you, so that your heart is arrogant. You who live in the clefts of the rock, who occupy the height of the hill. Though you make your nest as high as an eagle’s, I will bring you down from there.” It is a declaration of Adonai. 17 “Edom will become a desolation. Everyone passing by will be appalled and hiss at all its plagues. 18 Like the overthrow of Sodom, Gomorrah and their neighbors,” says Adonai, “no one will live there, nor any son of man dwell there. 19 Look, it is like a lion coming up from the thickets of the Jordan to a secure pasture— for abruptly I will make him run away from it. I appoint over it whomever I choose. For who is like Me? Who will summon me to court? What shepherd stands up to Me?” 20 Therefore hear the plan that Adonai has drawn up against Edom, and His strategies that He designed against the inhabitants of Teman. Surely the least of the flock will be dragged away, Surely He will make their pasture desolate because of them. 21 The earth will tremble at the noise of their downfall. The sound of their outcry will be heard at the Sea of Reeds. 22 Behold, he will mount up and swoop down like an eagle, and spread out his wings against Bozrah. The hearts of Edom’s warriors in that day will be like a woman’s heart in her pangs.

23 About Damascus: Hamath and Arpad are ashamed, for they heard bad news, They melt away; in the sea there is trouble that cannot be quiet. 24 Damascus has become feeble. She turns away to flee, panic grips her, anguish and pangs have seized her, like a woman in travail. 25 How is the city of praise deserted— the city of my joy? 26 Therefore her young men will fall in her squares— all the warriors will be silenced in that day. It is a declaration of Adonai-Tzva’ot. 27 “I will set fire to the wall of Damascus— it will devour Ben-hadad’s palaces.”

28 About Kedar and of the kingdoms of Hazor, which Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon struck. Thus says Adonai:

“Arise, go up against Kedar and devastate the children of the east. 29 They will take away their tents and their flocks. They will carry away their curtains, all their gear and their camels. They will cry out against them, ‘Terror on every side!’ 30 Flee! Scatter far! Stay low, inhabitants of Hazor!” It is a declaration of Adonai. “For King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon has taken counsel against you, and devised a plan against you. 31 Arise, go up against a nation at ease, dwelling securely,” says Adonai. “They have no gates or bars; they dwell alone. 32 Their camels will become plunder, their many cattle a spoil. I will scatter to all the winds those who shave the edges. I bring their calamity from every side.” It is a declaration of Adonai. 33 “Hazor will be a lair of jackals, a desolation forever— no one will abide there, nor any son of man dwell there.”

34 The word of Adonai that came to the prophet Jeremiah about Elam, at the beginning of the reign of King Zedekiah of Judah, saying, 35 thus says Adonai-Tzva’ot:

“Behold, I will break Elam’s bow— the source of their might. 36 I will bring upon Elam the four winds from the four quarters of heaven, and will scatter them to all those winds. There will be no nation where the dispersed of Elam will not go. 37 I will shatter Elam before their enemies and before those seeking their soul. I will bring calamity on them— My burning anger!” It is a declaration of Adonai, “I will send the sword after them until I have consumed them. 38 Then I will put My throne in Elam and destroy from it king and princes.” It is a declaration of Adonai. 39 “Yet it will be in the end of days, that I will restore Elam from exile.” It is a declaration of Adonai. — Jeremiah 49 | Tree of Life Version (TLV) Tree of Life (TLV) Translation of the Bible. Copyright © 2015 by The Messianic Jewish Family Bible Society. Cross References: Genesis 10:22; Genesis 22:16; Genesis 25:13; Genesis 25:30; Exodus 15:11; Leviticus 19:9; Numbers 1:24; Numbers 10:9; Deuteronomy 28:49; Deuteronomy 29:22; Joshua 7:2; Judges 18:7; 1 Kings 15:18; 2 Kings 14:7; 1 Chronicles 5:21; Psalm 46:9; Psalm 68:5; Isaiah 13:20; Isaiah 14:24; Isaiah 17:14; Isaiah 18:2; Isaiah 21:13; Jeremiah 6:19; Jeremaih 9:26; Jeremiah 11:22; Jeremiah 12:15; Jeremiah 16:16; Jeremiah 25:9; Jeremiah 33:9; Jeremiah 48:47; Jeremiah 50:46; Matthew 20:22; Matthew 24:8; Acts 9:2; Romans 9:29; 1 Timothy 6:17; Revelation 7:1

[coffeewithcutcaffeine]

— in which the Dragon’s Son becomes the voivode for the third time.

word count: 907 words

warnings: heavy on contemplations and musings; Vlad is a little vicious and a little cynical here and there (you know how it goes)

a/n: I am literally ashamed of myself that the best chapter of this short series was sitting on my AO3 account for an eternity, and only then I realised I have never posted it on here as well. Here I am, rectifying this grave mistake!

➨ also available on AO3

The flickering flames of countless candles, casting a warm glow upon the dimly lit church, reveal the glint of silver in his raven-black beard. His gaze remains firmly fixed upon the frigid stone beneath his aching knees, its once-gleaming surface long since faded and worn away by the relentless passage of time. That would make two of us, he muses to himself as his thoughts drift inward, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. None can discern it. The heavy black curls cascading down his shoulders like a curtain obscure it from the rest of the world as he remains with head bowed down in humble reverence.

Like the stone of the Biserica, he, too, has become worn away by the ceaseless march of time and its fickle caprices. The biting chill of the late November freeze continues to gnaw at his bones with vigour, poking his long-faded scars and re-set joints. With time, each winter has become harder, stiffening him, deepening the wrinkles etched into his face.

Having lived a life replete with triumphs and tribulations, he has matured greatly with the unwavering march of time. His gaze, laden with weariness, now bears the weight of wisdom that can only be acquired by traversing the most obscure and shadowy corners of the world, even those he had never wished to see. Among the trials that have beset him, some were more dire than others, and of those, some were most grim indeed.

On a bleak November morning, after weeks of gruelling negotiations, the once-glorious defender of the faith and valiant hero suffered his greatest downfall. Falsely imprisoned and disgraced by those who chose deceitful power over righteous loyalty, and separated from his beloved family, he languished for thirteen long years exiled in a foreign land. Thus has life taught him a harsh lesson — that one may possess the world and suddenly lose it all.

But a man who had once craved vengeance slowly began to yearn for repose. Gone were the days of the formidable warrior prince. Long ago had he taken off his armour and laid down his sword. He now beheld his young son growing before his eyes and waited impatiently for the letters he received from the homeland he was forbidden to return to, from sons he was rarely permitted to see as they transformed into grown men. The times of reforms, of wars, and of governance were supplanted by serene mornings of riding, reading, deep contemplation, and convivial suppers with his family.

As time passes, each beast becomes accustomed to its chains. Let the Dragon's Son remain a fable — of a hero one or a monster, whichever the tale-tellers require.

All of a sudden, faces of days bygone emerged anew one day, imploring him to return from his long exile back to his people, precisely where he was needed. Once again, the world had spun around its axis, and the lives of many shifted within moments — old alliances were scattered into ashes, and new ones were formed on their graves. Brothers turned traitors were swiftly reminding him again of the importance of the familiar bonds, the very same that they themselves had casted aside for their own profit. But duty remains, and he has always stayed true to his oaths, even when all around him long forgot their promises.

After thirteen years of torment and betrayal, the prisoner was at last recognised as the rightful ruler. The long-forgotten armour was donned once more, and the sword’s blade was stained anew with the blood of thousands of fallen soldiers on the scorching summer fields. After his cunning cousin fled, and the path toward the resumption of his reign was opened once more, he resumed his solemn duty, as his forefathers had done before him.

He no longer believes in the divine rights, in destinies etched in the stars. The stars have never whispered his name — they are merely countless little lights, an ever-present guidance in one moment, flickering and fading away the next. All his life, he has had no other recourse but to seize what rightfully belongs to him with his own two aching hands, clawing and pulling himself towards his fate. Time and again, he has dragged himself through mud, and blood, and ashes, only to emerge anew.

Now he kneels again on the same hallowed ground for the third time, with the same unmoving, mute statures of the saints outstretching their arms above his bowed figure. He now realises that their wordless benediction is a treacherous one — the voivode’s anointed head could topple to the ground under the sword’s sharp edge and be replaced with another, and still they would stand above, passively witnessing the course of history unfurling beneath them.

So it has been decreed since time immemorial — power belongs only to those who seize it. And now, he grasps it roughly in his palms, dancing the danse macabre again. He may have yearned to lay down his arms, but fate has deemed him a warrior. It is in battle that he finds his calling, his purpose. Oftentimes, it was all he knew, all he could do.

Thus, in these times of bloodshed, strife, and turmoil, he once more takes up the mantle of the warrior prince. And he finds himself yet again in the throes of realisation that the head which wears the crown bears a weight most heavy.

[mediaevalmusereads]

A Gentleman Never Keeps Score. By Cat Sebastian. Avon, 2018.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Genre: historical romance, LGBT+

Part of a Series? Yes, Seducing the Sedgwicks #2

Summary: Once beloved by London's fashionable elite, Hartley Sedgwick has become a recluse after a spate of salacious gossip exposed his most-private secrets. Rarely venturing from the house whose inheritance is a daily reminder of his downfall, he’s captivated by the exceedingly handsome man who seeks to rob him. Since retiring from the boxing ring, Sam Fox has made his pub, The Bell, into a haven for those in his Free Black community. But when his best friend Kate implores him to find and destroy a scandalously revealing painting of her, he agrees. Sam would do anything to protect those he loves, even if it means stealing from a wealthy gentleman. But when he encounters Hartley, he soon finds himself wanting to steal more than just a painting from the lovely, lonely man—he wants to steal his heart.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: graphic sexual content, allusions to sexual abuse (off-page), graphic sexual content

Overview: I’m going to be honest - I picked up this book because it was available at my library. I didn’t necessarily go looking for it, but I saw that it was a queer interracial historical romance and I was sold. But then I remembered that I had a mixed response to Cat Sebastian’s writing, and as I made my way through this novel, some of the things that irked me before irked me yet again. This is not to say that the book is bad or does a disservice to queer, interracial romance; rather, Sebastian’s writing style and way of putting plots together just doesn’t jive with me, though your mileage may vary.

Writing: Sebastian’s prose is relatively straight-forward in this novel, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s about what one would expect in a romance novel, so I don’t begrudge it for catering to its audience. What I found exhausting, however, was that Sebastian seemed to want to tell more than show. There were multiple points throughout this novel where Sebastian would state something that I felt could have played out through the plot or could have been implied rather than spelled out. I also found that there were some details that seemed to be thrown in without much bearing on the plot or characterization. Personally, I would have liked to see Sebastian hold back a little more and let the reader figure out the world for themselves.

Plot: The non-romance plot of this book follows Sam Fox, a Black tavern-keeper who teams up with disgraced gentleman Hartley Sedgwick to recover a nude painting of his friend, Kate. The painting was completed at a time when Kate was financially desperate, and it was hung in the home of a baron who enjoyed salacious art. Hartley, the baron’s “godson,” is looking to exact revenge on the baron’s heir, and destroying the painting is just the way to do it.

What I liked about this plot was all the topics it brought up. The painting allowed Sam and Hartley to talk about things like exploitation, the illusion of choice and freedom when one is poor and desperate, the dimension that gender and race brought to conversations about power. I also liked that Sam got to talk about how he, as a Black man, could potentially bear the brunt of Harley’s recklessness should any of their schemes be uncovered, and how risking one’s life and liberty for revenge just wasn’t worth it.

However, I do wish Sebastian had structured her plot a little better to include more suspense and more of a sense of urgency. As it stands, the painting plot seems to come in when convenient and then disappear into the background. Characters will go weeks without advancing any plans, and when plans do arise, they’re a bit slap-dash and reckless. I would have preferred to see the plot be more sustained, and the individual “scenes” or tentpoles be used as ways of exploring character dynamics more effectively.

Characters: Sam, one of our heroes, is a free Black man and former boxer who lives in London and runs a tavern called the Bell. I really admired Sam’s generosity and the way he created community, primarily by actively making the Bell a space where people of all backgrounds (but especially Black folk) were safe. But as much as I liked Sam, I wish he had more of a goal or something he was striving towards other than a relationship. I personally like it when my protagonists have something they want, and in this novel, Sam didn’t seem like he wanted anything other than for his business to stay the same. He didn’t even seem totally invested in the painting plot, and I wish Sebastian had given him more character development that lasted the entire novel (not just a little bit at the end).

Hartley, our other hero, is a little more complex. He’s focused on vengeance and is a bit preoccupied with class and social standing, but as the plot progresses, he has to learn to see the people around him (not the ton) as part of his social circle. I liked that Hartley had a lot to learn and had to weigh what mattered most to him; I also liked that characters felt free to call him out for his reclusive behavior, and he was generous and kind to people who society would normally shun.

Supporting characters were fun primarily because they constituted a kind of “found family.” While both Sam and Hartley have brothers who love them, they both also have friends and employees who create a little world into which they can escape when the ridiculousness of society becomes too much. There’s Alf and Sadie, Hartley’s servants who are unafraid to talk back to Hartley and who continue to be loyal despite their employer’s reputation. There’s also Kate, who couldn’t care less about who people wanted to love and who acts as a midwife to the Black community in London. I even enjoyed the nameless patrons, who don’t seem to be part of the story but who prove themselves to be part of the community when Sam is in need.

But not all supporting characters felt well-used. The constable, for example, seemed to pop in when convenient, and Martin (the baron’s heir) was complex but not present in a way I would have liked. I think in these cases, Sebastian tried to include too much, and as I stated earlier, I would have liked to see her hold back a little more.

Romance: Sam and Hartley’s romance is satisfying in that it’s a beautiful example of boundaries and consent. Hartley is reluctant to have penetrative sex with Sam because Hartley was previously sexually abused by his godfather. Though he says he did so willingly, the truth is that Hartley “allowed” the baron to use his body in exchange for money and influence, which Hartley used to support his brothers. As a result, Hartley doesn’t like to be touched, and knowing this, Sam is incredibly patient and never loses his head in the throes of passion. Sam is always asking for consent or letting Hartley take the lead, and he never becomes frustrated or wishes Hartley was different.

That being said, I wish Sebastian had given us a little more reason to believe Sam was falling in love with Hartley. I understood why Hartley loved Sam, but other than physical attraction, I don’t think I understood why Sam fell for Hartley. Also, I wish their relationship had developed more in tandem with the non-romance plot; as it stands, the book kind of meanders, and there wasn’t a strong sense of progression. As a result, I felt a little adrift, and I would have liked to see more of an arc.

TL;DR: A Gentleman Never Keeps Score features some lovely characters with a delightful found family. Though I personally wish there was some stronger character development and a more structured plot, readers might find this romance refreshing for its focus on consent, the frank discussions of race and class, and the question of “free choice” and exploitation when one is desperate.

[jdgo51]

APRIL 27, 2024

Persevering in Love

Jill Allen Maisch (Maryland, USA)

"Do not cast me off in the time of old age; do not forsake me when my strength is spent." - Psalm 71:9 (NRSVUE)

“'The elevator is broken again,” my 93-year-old mother stated for the fourth time during our phone conversation. I contacted her assisted-living facility and learned that the elevator was not broken. The sad truth is that, due to the onset of dementia, she sometimes forgets how to use it.

Over the past two years, I’ve learned firsthand that having a family member whose memory, perception, and reasoning are failing is extremely challenging. Several months ago, after working all day and helping my mother for a few hours in the evening, I felt completely exhausted and tearfully cried out to God, “I can’t keep doing this!” God answered by offering vivid memories of how brilliant, creative, funny, independent, and loving my mother had been. This softened my attitude about caring for her. Instead of seeing it only as an exhausting responsibility, I saw the blessing in being able to provide my mother with the same love and support she had selflessly given to me throughout my life.

As her dementia progresses, there continue to be times when caring for my mother is demanding, discouraging, and depressing. With God’s support, though, I can pause to take a deep breath, whisper a prayer of thanks for having grown up with her as my mother, and persevere in love."' When we think we cannot progress in a situation of our lives; reflect on past things that were good and uplifting. Then proceed to face the challenge before you.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Thank you, God, for the love and support we too often take for granted. Help us to persevere in loving those who need our care." Amen.

Psalm 71:7-18

"7 I’ve become an example to many people because you are my strong refuge. 8 My mouth is filled with your praise, glorifying you all day long. 9 Don’t cast me off in old age. Don’t abandon me when my strength is used up! 10 Yes, my enemies have been talking about me; those who stalk me plot together: 11 “God has abandoned him! Pursue him! Grab him because no one will deliver him!” 12 Don’t be far from me, God! My God, hurry to help me! 13 Let my accusers be put to shame, completely finished off! Let those who seek my downfall be dressed in insults and disgrace! 14 But me? I will hope. Always. I will add to all your praise. 15 My mouth will repeat your righteous acts and your saving deeds all day long. I don’t even know how many of those there are! 16 I will dwell on your mighty acts, my Lord. LORD, I will help others remember nothing but your righteous deeds. 17 You’ve taught me since my youth, God, and I’m still proclaiming your wondrous deeds! 18 So, even in my old age with gray hair, don’t abandon me, God! Not until I tell generations about your mighty arm, tell all who are yet to come about your strength,"' I can always recall your presence and your hand in meeting challenges. I can praise you for always being there for me. Bless everyone! Joe

[dfroza]

Today’s reading from the ancient books of Proverbs and Psalms

for April 13 of 2023 with Proverbs 13 and Psalm 13, accompanied by Psalm 25 for the 25th day of Astronomical Spring, and Psalm 103 for day 103 of the year (with the consummate book of 150 Psalms in its 1st revolution this year)

[Proverbs 13]

A wise child is attentive to his parents’ instruction,

but the mocker is deaf to correction.

A person eats well when he speaks wisely,

but the treacherous crave violence.

Those who guard their speech insure they will take another breath,

but those who talk without thinking guarantee their demise.

Slackers crave but have their fill of nothing,

but the hardworking desire and are completely satisfied.

The right-living will not tolerate any lie,

but wrongdoers come to shame and embarrassment.

Doing right keeps the innocent on the path of life,

but doing wrong is the downfall of the wicked.

One pretends he is wealthy but has nothing,

while another seems to be poor but has great wealth.

The rich are targeted and must ransom their lives,

but no one bothers to threaten the poor.

The light of the right-living brings joy as it burns brightly;

the lamp of a wrongdoer will be snuffed out.

Arrogance only produces arguments,

but wisdom accompanies those well advised.

Money earned hastily is easily lost,

but hard-earned money continues to grow.

Hope postponed grieves the heart;

but when a dream comes true, life is full and sweet.

The one who hates good counsel will reap failure and ruin,

but the one who reveres God’s instruction will be rewarded.

Wise instruction is a spring yielding a satisfied life;

those who follow it avoid the traps that lead to death.

Good sense brings blessing,

but the road of the treacherous is long and rough.

A clever person acquires knowledge and then acts on it;

but a fool advertises his folly for all to see.

An untrustworthy messenger stirs up trouble,

but a faithful emissary is curative balm.

A person who turns from correction faces poverty and shame,

but one who regards constructive criticism is well respected.

A dream fulfilled is the sweetness of life,

but abandoning evil is repulsive to fools.

One who walks with the wise becomes wise,

but whoever keeps company with fools only hurts himself.

Trouble eagerly pursues the sinner,

but success rewards the right-living.

A good person leaves an inheritance for his grandchildren,

but the wealth of the sinner is eventually passed on to the right-living.

Though the fields of the poor yield a bumper crop

in a land without justice, it is stolen out from under them.

Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children,

but those who are quick to correct them show true love.

Those who do right have plenty to eat,

while those who do wrong go hungry.

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 13 (The Voice)

[Psalm 13]

For the worship leader. A song of David.

How long, O Eternal One? How long will You forget me? Forever?

How long will You look the other way?

How long must I agonize,

grieving Your absence in my heart every day?

How long will You let my enemies win?

Turn back; respond to me, O Eternal, my True God!

Put the spark of life in my eyes, or I’m dead.

My enemies will boast they have beaten me;

my foes will celebrate that I have stumbled.

But I trust in Your faithful love;

my heart leaps at the thought of imminent deliverance by You.

I will sing to the Eternal,

for He is always generous with me.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 13 (The Voice)

[Psalm 25]

A song of David.

ALWAYS I will lift up my soul to You, Eternal One,

BECAUSE You are my God and I put my trust in You.

Do not let me be humiliated.

Do not let my enemies celebrate at my expense.

CERTAINLY none of the people who rely on You will be shamed,

but those who are unfaithful, who intentionally deceive,

they are the ones who will be disgraced.

DEMONSTRATE Your ways, O Eternal One.

Teach me to understand so I can follow.

EASE me down the path of Your truth.

FEED me Your word

because You are the True God who has saved me.

I wait all day long, hoping, trusting in You.

GRACIOUS Eternal One, remember Your compassion; rekindle Your concern and love,

which have always been part of Your actions toward those who are Yours.

Do not HOLD against me the sins I committed when I was young;

instead, deal with me according to Your mercy and love.

Then Your goodness may be demonstrated in all the world, Eternal One.

IMMENSELY good and honorable is the Eternal;

that’s why He teaches sinners the way.

With JUSTICE, He directs the humble in all that is right,

and He shows them His way.

KIND and true are all the ways of the Eternal

to the people who keep His covenant and His words.

O LORD, the Eternal, bring glory to Your name,

and forgive my sins because they are beyond number.

MAY anyone who fears the Eternal

be shown the path he should choose.

His soul will NOT only live in goodness,

but his children will inherit the land.

ONLY those who stand in awe of the Eternal will have intimacy with Him,

and He will reveal His covenant to them.

PERPETUALLY my focus takes me to the Eternal

because He will set me free from the traps laid for me.

QUIETLY turn Your eyes to me and be compassionate toward me

because I am lonely and persecuted.

RAPIDLY my heart beats as troubles build on the horizon.

Come relieve me from these threats.

SEE my troubles and my misery,

and forgive all my sins.

TAKE notice of my enemies.

See how there are so many of them

who hate me and would seek my violent destruction.

Watch over my soul,

and let me face shame and defeat

UNASHAMED because You are my refuge.

May honor and strong character keep me safe.

VIGILANTLY I wait for You, hoping, trusting.

Save Israel from all its troubles,

O True God.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 25 (The Voice)

[Psalm 103]

A song of David.

O my soul, come, praise the Eternal

with all that is in me—body, emotions, mind, and will—every part of who I am—

praise His holy name.

O my soul, come, praise the Eternal;

sing a song from a grateful heart;

sing and never forget all the good He has done.

Despite all your many offenses, He forgives and releases you.

More than any doctor, He heals your diseases.

He reaches deep into the pit to deliver you from death.

He crowns you with unfailing love and compassion like a king.

When your soul is famished and withering,

He fills you with good and beautiful things, satisfying you as long as you live.

He makes you strong like an eagle, restoring your youth.

When people are crushed, wronged, enslaved, raped, murdered,

the Eternal is just;

He makes the wrongs right.

He showed Moses His ways;

He allowed His people Israel to see His wonders and acts of power.

The Eternal is compassionate and merciful.

When we cross all the lines, He is patient with us.

When we struggle against Him, He lovingly stays with us—changing, convicting, prodding;

He will not constantly criticize,

nor will He hold a grudge forever.

Thankfully, God does not punish us for our sins and depravity as we deserve.

In His mercy, He tempers justice with peace.

Measure how high heaven is above the earth;

God’s wide, loving, kind heart is greater for those who revere Him.

You see, God takes all our crimes—our seemingly inexhaustible sins—and removes them.

As far as east is from the west, He removes them from us.

An earthly father expresses love for his children;

it is no different with our heavenly Father;

The Eternal shows His love for those who revere Him.

For He knows what we are made of;

He knows our frame is frail, and He remembers we came from dust.

The children of Adam are like grass;

their days are few;

they flourish for a time like flowers in a meadow.

As the wind blows over the field and the bloom is gone,

it doesn’t take much to blow us out of the memory of that place.

But the unfailing love of the Eternal is always and eternal

for those who reverently run after Him.

He extends His justice on and on to future generations,

To those who will keep His bond of love

and remember to walk in the guidance of His commands.

The Eternal has established His throne up in the heavens.

He rules over every seen and unseen realm and creature.

Adore Him! Give Him praise, you heavenly messengers,

you powerful creatures who listen to

and act on His every word.

Give praise to the Eternal, all armies of heaven—

you servants who stand ready to do His will.

Give praise to the Eternal, all that He has made

in all corners of His creation.

O my soul, come, praise the Eternal!

The Book of Psalms, Poem 103 (The Voice)

[ukrainian-rhapsody]

 I don't know what got into me in the 1980s, but it was culminant in a young me marching down a winding path to the Nicaraguan border, where I was greeted like an old friend. I was there to stand beside the Sandinista government. Even to fight on their behalf.

Those days are gone now, as the old song says. That Socialist dream, of shared milk and shared blood and toil, has long since gone sour. Or I should say was always toxic. And I ought to know. I gave my heart and soul to Nicaragua. Others gave lives. At that time it was that or murderous, Fascistic regimes. But the world has moved on, and I did too. I had to. The dream had become a nightmare. In Colombia the Farc guerillas, socialists or communists or whatever were kidnapping and murdering. Cuba was still Cuba, where mobiles and the internet were banned, Qaddafi's brand of socialism was fucking up Libya in Libya and Sadam Hussein's claimed Baathist Socialism was also too revealing. And Nicaragua just ripped itself apart. The Sandinistas splintered and fell, and Sandinista leader Daniel Ortega took over as dictator, installing his wife as vice président and turning into a fine example of Repugnancy, a natural and almost unavoiable step after Socialism, which took Russia a few years to perfect, then lead the world at, post 1991.

Under Putin the Ruscists have shown themselves to be uniquely brutal and barbarous. We thought we'd found reasons why Nazis chose to murder innocent victims in World War II. We understand how Europeans picked Africa and Latin America apart, and why, but among a backdrop of recent wars in Syria and Yemen we discover a new lease of life in Repugnancy, Ruscist style.

What is the reason for this extreme brutality? Is it new? Firstly I think there are reasons. Let me say that I was very strongly against the intervention in Iraq, and not in favour of the Qaddafi change in regime afterwards, either. Both of those wars make NATO's inactivity facing the extreme nature of the Ruscist dictatorship of Putin all the more unforgivable. And it is unforgivable.

If Scholz and Macron are the spearheads, others stand just behind in their shadow. The almost disgraceful smattering of military aid, often non-lethal, from Europe would be embarassing in itself, but the likes of Macron and Scholz are not made of the finer stuff, and the distasteful the embarassment comes from their incomprehensible assertions that they, and only they know what Ukraine needs as far as armaments go, or more often do not need. It is no wonder nobody listens to Kaja Kallas, PM of Estonia, a state Macron openly derided as somewhere far to the East, is easily head and shoulders anove the rest of the leaders of NATO, in terms of knowledge and arms advocacy.

But surely NATO'S structure, as a military organisation, is ready to listen to military solutions? No, because the weak schoolmaster that is Jens Stoltenberg was pushed in by Merkel exactly for that: a schoolmaster will not trouble Putin. And Stoltenberg has gone to great pains to suggest arms are continually needed in Ukraine in irder to be remembered as loyal to the only right side in this war, but what he has not done is glaring to any puzzled observer.

However, NATO's inability to provide safe, or no fly zones or indeed ensure Ukraine is able to shows a blundering naivity. Combining this with a series of expensive adverts glorying the organisation in cheerful exposé as "defenders of Europe" while Ukraine next door is hammered by bombs is of questionable effciency to say the least, and shows an organisation out of step with the wishes of the majority of the European populace.

Because Putin is a thug, where he sees weakness he goes in for overkill. This in the long term is his downfall. You don't liberate a country by terrorising it and commiting war crimes, no matter how powerful you think you are, and if this war has shown weakness and indecision in NATO, it also has revealed much about Russian culture: not much has changed since the Mongols swept through, or mass-murdered their way through, indeed, one wonders how many of their hordian or hordic genes have rippled through the Ruscist population, probably a lot, and if one believes in epigenetics and ghost dna, then even more.

One cannit slip into brunt racism to explain this war, however, and the whole ediface of what the Ruscist state is, was, has become needs identifying. Putin's decisión to personally alocate presidents of republics and governers of oblasts in the huge federation was the first step in many that led him to decide he wanted Ukraine, but his taming of Belarus through its serially incompetent and brutal dictator gave him signals that did not help. But as an empire Russia has always been spoiling fir this fight. It would be with Poland as well, if it was not for the EU, and snarls at the Baltic States continually. Famously it was beaten back by Finland, but it needs to be severely beaten back now. Kazakhstan, in particular needs to join Ukraine and indeed Mongolia in democratic quest. Democracy us nit a purely European concept: we find it from Japan and Taiwan to Kenya, Botswana, Guatemala and Paraguay. It works, but it demands International solidarity, and strength.

The Ruscist empire ought to be dismantled. The task is complex. But the first step is a decentralisation of power. Locally elected leaders, good or bad, will at the very least develop local languages and culture, ensuring a more balance state inside thw Ruscist empire as well as out, if it is not too late.

If it is, the Ruscists will repeat what they have doing for hundreds of years, every hundred years or so.

[hetward-nygma]

g*tham is back, let's see how many brain cells I'll lose this season

[toxiccalahan]

Listen, I don’t generally get political but,

Donald Trump is a disgrace to the presidency. He’s an embarrassment to the United States, to the American people, and to our values. We are so much more than him. We are so much better than him. I understand our last election was essentially just choosing the lesser of two evils because both of our options were absolute shit, but I am so happy that this nonsense may soon finally be over. It (literally) pains me to watch him conduct himself on television, to listen to him speak in his briefings or any other occasion. He lacks almost everything a president should be. He lacks professionalism, tact, eloquence, leadership, respect, maturity, compassion, authenticity, and just general decency towards those who are simply doing their job. The President of the United States is supposed to be a role model for the American People yet our current president repeatedly displays himself as a conceited fool. I’m not here to bash Donald Trump simply because “I don’t like him.” I’m not angry and I’m not looking for a fight. I’m just saying that I’m greatly saddened by his presidency and frankly disappointed in it.

[dilftaroooo]

Your headcannons to the pet play prompt were REALLY interesting, and a fun read!

What about Toji, Naoya, Choso, and Nanami? How would they react.

—𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐉𝐉𝐊 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐒 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐏𝐄𝐓 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘 𝐓𝐎𝐘𝐒 𝟐.

choso is so fucking cute help

tags/tw: humiliation (from naoya), rough fucking, more oblivious choso ❤️, punishments, degradation.

characters: toji, naoya, choso, nanami.

anon, once toji finds out its a wrap. rip that pussy (ayye) bc toji will be going in tonoooight 🪦 he’ll have a devilish smirk on his face, enthralled by what you do behind closed doors. when you meet him again he’d pretend nothing has happened and just greet you like any day: the soft peck on the lips, the firm grasp on your ass... ya know- the usual.... thats until he breaks the ice “-and i know my little puppy likes to play rough.” uhhh, come again? 😗

ofc you’d start to stammer when you respond—how could you not when he leaned closer towards you and had a look that screamed “i’m gonna fuck you until you weep.” plastered on his striking features? the next thing ya know your face is planted on the bed with a cock deep in your guts and a collar tied around your neck as toji grips the leash. the tail plug stuffed in your ass would be shaking from the contact of his hips slapping yours and toji would tug on your leash and harshly slap your ass, “bark for me, pup.” “w-woof woof...!♡” “good pup!”

     ━━━━━━━ ♛ ━━━━━━━

you’re already naoya’s pet if you think abt it — he’s a misogynistic prick who has an insufferable superior complex, what more do you expect?🤨 so finding your toys was only a further indication on how much you favor the idea of being dominated. quite pitiful if you ask him. naoya wouldn’t just fuck you in your weird pet getup, he’d humiliate you as well, publicly. he’ll make you walk around the zenin household with your collar strapped around your neck with your kitty ears resting on top of your head as he’d walk beside you holding your leash. everyone inside would look at you in disgrace. it was a poignant sight to see.

oh and did i say he’d make you “walk” around the residence? oops, i meant “crawl”—

     ━━━━━━━ ♛ ━━━━━━━

choso would not know what’s in the box and he would never figure it out until you timidly answer his questions regarding the objects — being confined in a tube for over 100 years has its downfall. “um- choso, it’s like an enhancer — for sex...it’s called a ‘kink,’” he’d cutely cock his head, trying to grasp the whole concept. “what do you do with it?😐” “you put it... in you.” “why would you want that in you?” you let out a sigh “its a fetish.” your night would be spent like a perverted class session. it’s obvious that he’s unfamiliar with the idea of sex (and fetishes) but he picks up on it very quickly.

     ━━━━━━━ ♛ ━━━━━━━

now nanami would ofc know what your toys are, he isn’t the ignorant type, but he had no idea that you liked that kind of stuff, someone as shy and diffident as you. just like inumaki from the previous headcanon he wouldn’t opt on confessing what he saw until you somehow find the courage to bring it up. and he’ll treat you right once you do: the soft head pats, the yummy treats he’d reward you with, the almost never ending attention. you would just swoon over it! but don’t think that nanami doesn’t know discipline. when you decide to act like a damn fool, he’d make you sit with a vibrator (switched to the highest power) on your clit as he tends to the paperwork from his job.

“if i see you trying to please yourself, i will cuff your hands and leave you in this room alone with the vibrator still on, understand?”

[ddarker-dreams]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THE TRUTH.

I admit that i enjoyed act 3 but it feels like really rushed i have so much complain with that.

The build up until act 2 was so good it give us so much premise but the final blow si meh. Sorry that i want to share thing long rant with you

1. Why the final talk is with yae, no offense to her but we need ei to explain not to mention she witness khaenriah downfall so she can give us more information, i feel like they do it for the plot armor so they can just keep dragging this

2. So many things that quite inconsistant, the shogun is show no mercy to anyone that even did a little thing outside what she think its right, how come she can still have a talk with signora, when sara is falling like that, and also there is no clarification about sara right now.

The traveler was so done at first they refuse to help thoma and ayaka at the beginning. But they seem so happy and forget everything how come they are not RAGE ( okay maybe this is to bias and personal) when this nation provide nothing about our siblings information and also why they are not mention anything about their problem in ei stroy quest. Its nonsense! She is right in front of youu, ask about your siblings, ask about khaenriah, ask about ukmown god!!. How come they can just forget like that. Also mihoyo really waste the potential about twin things i thing ei will give us so much help bcs of the sympathy that we both rn lost our twin but noooo.

3. Kokomi seem lost some brain cell, she make a very succesfull grand intro but she become meh in act 3, how come a great strategist like her let the sus sponsorship slip just bcs they are desperate, not to mention her screen time is really small and her role seem so unsignificant and it feels lile she is a plain npc.

4. The awesome world quest that we have done doesnt get any mention at all! Inazuma owe us so much with cleansing sakura, thunder sakura, tatarigami, obarashi quest. It has so much potential that yae or ei or anyone else aknowledge what traveler has been done but nooo.

cracks knuckles... i suppose it's time for my promised dissertation. interestingly enough, you touched on a lot of the main issues i had with chapter III.

i think that if i had to pin the main issue, it's a lack of overall cohesiveness? we were jumping all over the place without the chance to ever flesh things out. inazuma is a smaller cast, but i feel like we didn't get to see any of them shine. since i'm most interested in the genshin characters, i'll break down my problems by going over everyone and their (lack) of impact on the story.

was ayaka not questioned or placed under suspicion for being close to thoma before his escape? i wanted to see her broken up over her duties as they relate to the yashiro commission, paired with having someone she genuinely cares about in danger. it would've been an interesting struggle if she was forced to choose one or the other. instead she just kinda took a back seat.

speaking of thoma, i don't even have anything to say, because he just... was there? for .0001 seconds. said "lol this sucks ig" and that's about it. i know we're going to get a story for him in the future since he's a 5* but i'm not getting my hopes up 😭 then in the raiden shogun's character story, man is peachy keen! be upset with the raiden shogun! have some inner conflict! even if it's just using loaded language because he's under surveillance for going against the raiden shogun, that'd be so cool. saying something like,

"Traveler, what's with that expression? Oh please, there's nothing to worry about. We're under the Statue of the Omnipresent God's protection. Nothing bad has ever happened here." *wink*

i also don't know what to say about gorou. he was... there....... i think. what is he fighting for? what are the stakes for him? what makes him place so much trust into kokomi? i'm out of things to say about him because i don't remember anything he did or said.

kokomi... oh kokomi... i was so hyped. so excited. i thought that maybe we could see a foil to the raiden shogun. that she'd have a moment where she's forced to realize, just like her opponent, sacrifices must be made that will hurt people who will never understand why she made them. or maybe something to show her military prowess. but instead she just accepts a mysterious patron's help (?), sees her people aging like the grateful dead from JJBA, and goes oh well. that sucks. what can ya do. oh bye traveler i guess, good luck with that. ????????????? HUH... similar case to thoma where she's gonna get a character story but like. she won't be the leader of the resistance anymore. that was her whole shtick. they took her shtick away. also she forced me to interact with more NPCs whose names i've already forgotten so i'm tilted about that still.

KUJOU SARA... AN INJUSTICE. A DISGRACE. a slap to my woman loving face. the build up was there. yae miko's comments about sara probably knowing the tenryou commission is involved in shady dealings, but is choosing not to think about it. sara being forced to confront reality and challenge her adopted father with the truth. being able to blaze a new path for herself in the process. when she started running to the raiden shogun i was ultra hyped up. sara, a devotee to the shogun for so long, was about to see her god interacting with the same people who led inazuma to this awful state. how would she react? would she stay ignorant, like yae miko so coyly said, choosing to look away in favor of following her god's footsteps? or would she be forced to recognize the raiden shogun isn't as divine as she once thought, and challenge her belief system?

we open the door to see the raiden shogun. the loading screen ensues. the camera pans to the ominous room, clouded in darkness, hinting at the ominous confrontation that is to come. the music takes a serious timbre. and then...

well fuck that potential character arc i guess. (we still don't know what sara made of any of this since she poofed out of existence from the story at this point)

kazuha also was handed a similar treatment. we've been with him for a while longer now. he is our introduction into inazuma, the one who first gets us emotionally involved by regaling us with the bittersweet tale of friendship that led him to becoming a wanted criminal. a kind soul who loves nature yet was dealt a cruel hand by fate, forced to watch his home nation turn into a hostile place, where his dear friend ultimately perished as a result. we get the scene with his friend's vision lighting back up. he parries a block from the raiden shogun, in the same area where his friend was killed by her. the parallels. the drama. except this time, he wasn't too late. he protected the traveler where he "failed" to protect his friend in the past. did he feel redemption at this? or was it a bittersweet reminder of what could've been?

WELL i guess we'll never know because we didn't get to talk to him again 😭 idk who got a bait and switch worse, him or sara. jesus christ mihoyo.

then we have signora. why is the raiden shogun talking to her? does she know about the gnosis being taken, and if she doesn't, what was her plan to get it from the archon? what does she think about scaramouche? and oh, okay, we're fighting here now. good fight + god tier music. pog pog. okay, now we've beaten her up, and raiden shogun wyd— wait no not signora her lore is still on CUPS not YET raiden shogun and— ah she's dead. okay. non nerds who didn't read artifact lore are going to know nothing about her. signora has such an interesting story, and yet... well. ok.

then we get raiden shogun redemption (?) arc. i was hype for this as well, though at that point, idk why i bothered being hype. i knew they were gonna do a cute power of friendship something or another, and i'm good with that, so long as it's executed well. what i was envisioning was like seven different buffs to correspond with the seven different visions, the dreams of those whose ambitions were stolen serving as the spear to penetrate the raiden shogun's heart of stone. maybe a hydro vision giving us extra healing for a time, with the voice acting over it being like,

"Even if the rest of the world forgets us, let our will carry you through this one final time. Succeed where we couldn't, Traveler."

so on and so forth.

but instead we got— you get the idea at this point. why bother spelling it out anymore.

at that point i was surprised the raiden shogun didn't go "oopsie woopsie!! we made a fucky wucky!!!" because that was the vibe i was getting. i love ei, don't get me wrong, but i wanted to see her challenged with what she had done to inazuma in the past year. maybe meeting NPC #2345259 who lost her sister to the vision decree or something, reminding ei of the love she held for her sister... being forced to come to terms with the extent of what she's done in pursuit of eternity.

anyway. please for the love of god mihoyo hire better writers for the main story. that is all i ask. thank you.

[loveanoutcast]

ok but I read games and I am ADDICTED and I just thought I could maybe request something like-

Eren meeting the reader through a simple comment and a timeskip to them being v close until they eventually end up in a fight because reader was ranting to eren about how perfect their crush (who is actually eren) is and him just exploding and them getting into a fight until the reader eventually goes "that person is you, dumbass!" Or smth like that and from there it all just turns into a lot of kisses and smut👀

only if you're comfy/in the mood of writing smth like this tho! just had this random thought last night and thought I'd request a little erenxfembodiedreader

Anyway have a nice day, night, afternoon, morning, you're amazing :D

Oh my gosh, this is my first request ever and I am so incredibly excited to write this and I really hope I did good in writing something you would want. Thank you so much for submitting this request, please feel free to send more! I love writing fanfics of any aot character and will do my absolute best to embody them in these. Sorry for the long wait, when I say the last chapter had me all the way FUCK3D up. EreMika is canon and I haven't been able to stop saying "He loved her, oh my god he loved her" in that "and they were roommates" vine way because that's my coping mechanism and it's cheaper than therapy. Anyway, I give you-

"Assumptions."

Pairing: Eren Yeager x Fem!reader

TW: nsfw, smut, angst, jealously, swearing, yelling, a bit of fluff, unprotected intercourse, breeding kink, a bit of voyeurism, a bit of sexism, eren being denser than a rock, Levi having health issues because he's old

Other: aot world if the mess of season four never happened and eren didn't fall to sad bitch hours, reader is a regular girl with family issues, all characters are over 18, Erwin never died and Floch never went insane

It wasn't that Eren hated going into town, but he wasn't exactly used to going to town alone. He always had Mikasa and Armin flanking either side of him but since the discovery of the world outside the walls and the decreased threat of titans, scouts were needed more than ever in the recovery of the lost districts. Mikasa was the second strongest soldier alive and Armin was expected to take after Erwin. Eren was useful when it came to being the one who possessed the attack and founder titan, but lately there was no big threats that required his titan abilities.

That didn't stop Hange from poking him, nor did it stop Captain Levi from keeping him busy with even the most minimalist of tasks. Today was no different and when the options were given to him and Jean, who was still asleep in his bunker, on shoveling horse shit or going into town to stock up on supplies and check to ensure all market suppliers weren't being capitalist pigs to the local vendors, Eren all but hauled ass through the door, hand swiping the grocery list off the table and yelling, "Good luck Jean-boy!"

Everything seemed to be going just fine, none of the local vendors had any troubles and most seemed happier with the drastic improvements of the living situations for Eldians. The fear of being eaten any day now or losing a loved one to war had seemed to be the driving force that had led to problems before. Some people recognized Eren, but no one seemed to want to approach him. He had had encounters with people who thought of him as a god, but he usually ignored them or kept a level-headed composure. Despite knowing that he had a power no one else had, outside of being a titan-shifter, Eren didn't really know what he had to offer. Armin was smart, Mikasa was strong, and he couldn't exactly claim titan-shifter seeing that Armin was also the colossal and Ymir had been the jaw.

He let out a sigh, kicking a rock in his path and silently yearning for something beyond his knowledge. Despite knowing that he was never really alone, he felt lonely a lot of the time. He had never given much thought to settling down, with the clock running out on him he often thought what was even the point? He wasn't sure if he wanted to keep being a soldier or if he wanted to go back home one day, he didn't really try to dwell on the future, content with being in the present and having Mikasa always on the verge of tears when she was reminded that he would one day die, didn't really give him room to think of much else.

You weren't oblivious to the tales and rumors that went around the town about the scouts and their secret weapon in the form of a shapeshifting man and how him and his comrades were able to plug the hole in the wall of a district your family had come from long ago. Your father had long since escaped the walls of Maria before it fell, he made an honest living being a construction man, and your mother was a nurse who happened to catch his eye when he had a roofing accident. They built a life for themselves within Wall Rose. You weren't the richest family, nor did you have a name that was well known. Nonetheless, you were all hard working. Your brothers worked for the respect they got, one being a weapon maker and the other being a bar keeper was enough for the part of town you were in. Even their wives did well for themselves in being a seamstress and bar waitress. As the youngest, you were loved and cared for. You weren't the most beautiful girl in town, but you turned heads nonetheless, well until one of your brothers decided to glare or promptly hit whoever doted on you too long for their liking.

The people who knew you, thought you were trouble. Mostly the elders spewed of you and your ways of thinking being a disgrace to everything Eldians stood for and bringing only shame to your gender, you were a woman ahead of her time and they couldn't stand it. Like your mother you had entered the medical field, but even when you were small you claimed you would be a doctor one day. You shadowed and worked under the supervision of the town's doctors. Many amused at your antics, some who didn't care about you being a girl and just grateful to leave such responsibility on someone who was genuine in the intent, and others not caring one way or another and not willing to hear your screeching pleads to observe what they did. Your mom had spoken with you more than once about settling with being a doctor's aide, today being no different and you let out a sigh as you looked to your mother's pained expression.

"I just don't understand why you insist on making your life so difficult? It was bad enough when you proudly exclaimed your goals in front of the entire church, but now this?"

You could only look away, looking towards the fields where you saw your third brother grooming the horses. You hadn't said anything bad, you were approached with a job offer that would give you the title and respect you had been desperately craving, and it would bring greater honor to your family...or so you thought before your mother reacted the opposite in which you hoped.

"I will not have any daughter of mine chasing dreams and fantasies off in some other place where no one can protect you. This is a suicide mission and I for one will not stand by and watch you march forward to your downfall."

Your father stood behind your mother, not really saying anything and not even looking at you. You felt especially bad for the commander and captain who stood on either side of you and were bearing witness to the absurd exchange between your family.

"Mrs. Y/L/N, you have to know that if Y/N were to accept this offer, she would never be in the front lines. We have bases located all throughout the walls and she would do what she did best and be our primary doctor." Commander Erwin spoke with such calm words, his demeanor kind and patient.

"So you expect me to let her run off with a bunch of men whose brains are broken from the wars they fought and not worry? She is not even married!"

You grit your teeth so hard upon hearing that, you were sick of the standards put forth on you since your birth. You were sick of the expectations you were in no hurry to reach and you were especially tired of the lack of faith your family had in you to be independent and strong. Your fists clenched and you felt a steady gaze on you.

"I'm not an expert or anything on parenting, nor will I act as if I am, but instead of yelling at her, why don't you try asking your daughter what she wants to do?" You didn't silence the gasp you released, looking at Captain Levi in confusion and admiration.

All eyes turned to you, your mother crossing her arms as if asking you to try and defy her. Erwin looked a bit expectedly and Levi looking indifferent to the entire conversation. It was your father who beat you to it before you could even open your mouth to answer.

"You have a choice, my daughter. If you choose to stay, you'll make your mother and brothers happy. You can continue to help people but you will never be acknowledged as a doctor...but you'll have your family. Or you can choose to leave and live your life to your own accord, but you will lose the respect of the town and your mother will never speak to you again. Are you willing to put yourself above your family?" You expected this from your father, always neutral and never judgmental, what he was saying was true after all. Were you willing to lose your family over your dreams? Would you be able to survive on your own with only the scouts to rely on?

Your head was hurting and your frustration only grew when your brothers decided to come home and after your mother wailing at them about your plans to leave, they were quick to overwhelm you with their own opinions. The commander and captain apologized but they had to leave and return to headquarters.

"Take your time on making your decision. We will come back in a few days for your answer." Commander Erwin told you, giving you a smile as he continued, "I know its a lot to ask you to choose us over your flesh and blood, but if you do. You have my promise that we will protect you, and we may never be able to fully replace your family in your heart, but the scouts will be a family on its own for you."

"Tch," Captain Levi shook his head, "Look brat, you will see and do things that you won't always like. People will die no matter how hard you try to save them, but call Erwin and Hange delusional--they see something in you. Don't walk into this half-assed, if you choose to be our doctor and you choose to take on the title and everything it carries with it, you have to dedicate your heart."

You only nodded. Two days had passed as you walked through the market, the small basket in your hands carried apples and some citrus fruits. Your mother still wasn't talking to you and your brothers seemingly assumed you wouldn't be leaving, only your father knew how frantic your mind was, and one morning he admitted that he would be delighted to have at least one of his children carry the family name on a military standing. So you had his support.

You even spoke to the animal doctor you had been shadowing for the past few weeks, his eyebrows had rose in an impressed matter and he promptly asked when you would be leaving.

"I haven't made a decision, yet." You said.

"You would be an idiot not to take it." Was all he replied before asking you to give the cattle their medicine.

Idiot, huh? You wondered. You knew deep down he was right. Your mind continued to play in endless loops of thought before you heard a commotion to your right. Turning your head you saw a group of men, their huddling seemed a bit more frantic and it was not until one of them yelled that you noticed one man in particular on his knees.

"Help! Someone call a doctor!"

The man on the floor was bleeding rather profusely and you didn't have time to question what happened before you quickly made way.

"Sir, let me see."

"Hey! Woman don't touch him!"

"Make yourself useful and go get a doctor! What the hell do you think you're doing!"

"I am a doctor." You calmly said, inspecting the gash on his side and seeing the edge of what appeared to be a broken pipe sticking out from the building behind them. The drips if bloods glistening in the sun only confirmed what you thought.

"We were-" The injured man rasped out, "Just horsing around."

"It's okay." You reassured, grabbing a roll of gauze and stack of medical napkins you always kept in your basket. You apologized before applying pressure to the wound, and you heard the patter of rushing feet.

"A doctor is on his way! A real one!" One of the men sneered, and you did your best not to roll your eyes and focus on stopping the bleeding. You asked the man to lie on his back and he surprisingly complied, he didn't seem to care about you being a girl and only seemed thankful to not be alone and scared.

"Do you hear that? Move before you kill him!" The first man hollered, the hand on your shoulder causing you to sharply inhale.

"Excuse me for one moment." You told the man, and you were quick as you hand shot up to grip the disrespectful ass by his wrist and twist it in one fluid motion, you wasted no time in using the building wall as leverage, quickly running up and using his weight to stabilize yourself before you roundhouse kicked him so hard it sent both of you flying back. You landed on one foot, balancing yourself before going back to the patient.

You couldn't deny how satisfying it was to hear the impact, or the groan of pain coming from him. Your eyes met the others.

"If any of you touch me, I'll do exactly what I did to your buddy there, but ten times worse. Now shut the hell up and let me save this man."

Eyes widely stared at you as you resumed caring for the injured, a few minutes passed by the time the doctor got there.

"Oh!" His eyebrows rose, "Hello Y/N, didn't expect to see you here. If I would have known, I wouldn't have left the hospital on its own."

"Hi Dr. Goodwin," You looked up, two fingers on the injured man's wrist and the other held up four fingers from your counting. You blushed slightly from his confidence in you and you noticed the men who bullied you all sport faces of confusion.

"His pulse is stable. I wrapped the wound tightly, but he needs stitches."

"Thank you, miss." The injured man grabbed your hand and you smiled in return.

"Don't mention it."

"Actually, it's Dr. Y/L/N." Dr. Goodwin said, seeing your eyes widen and the smile he gave only made your heart swell that much more.

The doctor nodded, thanking you before asking his helpers to load him to the small gurney they brought. He could only thank you briefly before you waved them off. The other guys had stayed back, eyes wide in disbelief that the doctor not only recognized you, but acknowledged your work.

"Are you a nurse or something?"

"Are you morons deaf? Did you not hear Dr. Goodwin? I'm a doctor too."

The leader seemed to recover from the kick you gave him earlier as his lip curled in an ugly matter, "What kind of sick joke is that? No such thing as a woman doctor."

"Obviously there is if I'm standing right in front of you. Or did my kick knock a few more scews loose?"

Eren was walking buy, noticing the commotion from afar and as a soldier, his instincts to provide help in dire situations kicked in. He elbowed his way to the front. Seeing you standing defiantly in front of five tall muscular men. He stepped forward as the main leader got in your face, but when you shifted your foot, he seemed to coil back. Eren noticed a giant welt on one side of his face and wondered how the hell he got such an ugly bruise. It didn't stop their onslaught.

"Who the hell do you think you are? What makes you think you could do whatever the fuck you want?"

"Because in this world, I'm free to do whatever the fuck I please." Eren watched as your eyes narrowed in further defiance, the smile on your face sickeningly sweet and all he could think about was how he had never seen such a woman.

You hadn't even noticed the audience that gathered, you side stepped the group of men, going as far as waving a goodbye with a breathy giggle, you picked up your basket. You had a small hop to your step and despite not caring to even spare a glance to the onlookers, your eyes met a pair of pretty green ones. The prominent bone structure made you think, "Wow."

However, the tall muscular body you did a once over on had you follow that thought with, "Oh damn."

Eren seemed dumbfounded, your obviousness in checking him out made him flush. He had never felt self-conscious over his body. He knew even before he hit puberty that he would do well to grow muscles and abs, the necessary type of figure to have if one were to be a soldier of the scouts. He knew it was also something some females found attractive in the opposite sex but it's not like he ever had time to date much less dwell on what girls liked. Seeing the way you looked at him though, he couldn't deny that he silently hoped for your approval.

When you finally met his eyes once more, you had him floored when he saw you drop a wink at him.

The crowd murmuring as they watched you go made his own eyebrows furrow in confusion. He stepped to one of the members and demanded an explanation.

"Honestly, the little lady was crazy! She came in here claiming to be a doctor and helped patch up a guy who got cut by the pipe over there. Instead of waiting for a real doctor, she made a whole fuss."

"Where's the guy?"

"Dr. Goodwin picked him up. That doctor is mad too, he also said she was a doctor, but that's ridiculous. No woman can be a doctor. That's so many levels of wrong."

Eren felt the urge to punch the man in the mouth, but one glance at the ugly bruise his friend sported reminded him,

"What happened to your face?"

The leader grumbled a bunch of profanities, "That little bitch. I tried to get her off before she messed the guy up anymore and she kicked me."

"In your face?" Eren sounded impressed, and he was when he received a nod of confirmation.

He looked to the direction which you disappeared in and said fine words to the group, "Whether you men like it or not. The world is changing, everyone is free to be who they want. If women can join the military no problem, they can be doctors too."

He saluted before rushing off, not hearing the mutters of annoyance from the men. In all honestly, Eren had no clue on what he was doing.

You were scrubbing off the blood from under your fingernails near a fountain when you hear the shuffle of feet from behind you. You silently hoped it wasn't any of those morons asking for more trouble, but you were pleasantly surprised when your eyes met a pair of green ones from before.

"I'm Eren." You smiled at him, nodding and your smile turned quirked when he stuttered in, "Yeager. Eren Yeager."

Hmm, you had thought, His name suits him. You studied his demeanor, not missing the gear strapped to either sides of his hips or the green hood covering his shoulders. You knew immediately that he was a scout and you wondered if he knew Captain Levi. Before you got the courage to ask him, he beat you to it.

"What did you mean by what you said earlier? Do you really think that? That we're all free to do anything we want here?"

You smiled as you nodded, walking towards a vendors stand and Eren fell into step beside you, you felt nervous around him, but also safe with his company. He watched you as you picked up another apple to inspect.

"We have laws and rules though...so we're not technically all the way free?"

"I'm free to be me, just as you are free to be you...Eren...Yeager."

It was the way the sun hit your face in that moment, highlighting your strong cheekbones and giving a special glint in your eyes that made Eren want to hear your thoughts more. He spent the rest of the day asking you questions, never satisfied with the small responses you gave him and he even walked you home. The mean glare from your mother confused him beyond belief and it was your father's words that made you gasp in surprise that night.

"He's the titan shifter, the one who helped plug up wall Rose."

Your face had turned red in embarrassment, you were talking so casually to a literal titan and you even flirted with him. He even held your basket the entire trip to your house and you didn't even consider how informal you acted with your skirt. You had hitched one of them up your thigh to get better footing and hadn't missed the way Eren blushed at seeing so much skin. You knew the girls in the scouts wore pants, but even then they kept covered.

You were certain Eren wanted nothing else to do with a girl who held little to no morals, but you were caught by pleasant surprise when you saw him with Erwin and Levi the next day in town.

His eyes had immediately found yours and you didn't miss the blush on his cheeks as he gave you a small wave. You couldn't but laugh when Captain Levi suddenly kicked him.

"Who's got you turning red brat?"

"Uh-it's nothing, captain."

He didn't look convinced as you gathered the courage to approach. Erwin acknowledged your presence which Eren was grateful for, but his eyebrows still came down in confusion on how the commander knew your name.

"Y/N!" Erwin gave a polite smile which you returned, "So great to see you. We were actually just about to stop by your house."

"Really? What a coincidence, I was hoping to stop by headquarters today as well." Your smile was bright, and by the way the air around you seemed cheerful, Erwin returned your energy.

"Bearing good news I hope?" He still hesitantly asked.

You nodded as you laughed, "I would love to accept the offer if it still stands."

"Of course it does," Captain Levi scoffed, his arms were folded across his chest. You noted for the first time the soft grey color of his eyes and despite the deep scowl he was currently showing, he had chubby cheeks that made you want to squish, "We wouldn't be coming all this way for nothing."

"I thought we were coming to collect a new scout, Captain Levi." Eren asked, you felt yourself blush in realization that he had no clue it was actually you they were referring to.

"We are," Levi grabbed you by your arm and yanked you towards him as he pointed at you while looking at Eren like he was an idiot, "Meet the scout's new doctor. Dr. Y/L/N meet Eren-"

"Yeager." You finished, smiling towards Eren, "We've met."

Erwin and Levi exchanged looks as they watched you and Eren smiled at each other like a pair of idiots, the realization dawning over them and Erwin couldn't fight the smirk that crossed his face. Small world, he thought.

Six months had passed since the first fateful encounter you had with Eren. You had long since moved out of your home and besides the occasional secret letter from your father, you hadn't heard nor seen the rest of your family since your decision to become a doctor for the scouts.

It was a transition to go through as you lost one family and gained a new one, but everyone was so accepting and welcoming. The girls welcomed you with open arms, most notably was Sasha whose habit of eating everything and anything brought her to the infirmary on more than one occasion, Connie usually followed right behind her with a minor injury resulting from his carelessness. You had met Floch when he brought Jean in from a sparring session gone wrong and he immediately took a liking to you. Your level-headedness was like a breath of fresh air to him as he was constantly sorrounded by people he thought were idiots. Jean liked your confidence (The fact that you were easy on the eyes, didn't hurt either), Mikasa respected the way you didn't hesitate to put people in their place, and Armin admired that despite your obvious toughness, you were a kind and patient doctor who never turned anyone away. You were diligent and hard-working, yet your smile was always able to uplift any sour mood and you always put your best foot forward. The one time he had puked all over your hospital floor from eating too much undercooked meat was embarrassing for him, he thought for sure you were going to be angry and call him an idiot. Instead, you took his temperature, put a cold cloth on his head (despite his titan status guaranteeing a speedy recovery), and started a healthier diet plan for him. Armin was scheduled a weekly checkup with you, partly to ensure he was listening and partly for you to study him a bit more. Your research on the titan's ability to regenerate and recover from even the worst injuries was fascinating for you, you hoped to isolate the genes and figure out a way to maybe trigger it in regular Eldians without setting off the titan ability, the fact that Eren made it a habit to accompany Armin didn't hurt either.

Eren had grown attached to you, whenever he wasn't busy or in need of a place to hide from Captain Levi's wrath or Hange's insistence to poke and prod him, he would be hanging out around you or in your office. At one point you had to hide him under your desk when Commander Erwin stopped by to hold a meeting with you about providing first aid training to the scouts for excursions. You were always welcomed to accompany them outside the walls, but your work was enough to make you stay. You recalled the way Eren was pressed against your legs, the feel of his hands steadying himself on your calves and when your skirt had shifted up when you reached for one of the records, you felt Eren brush his fingertips along the muscle. You had stammered the rest of the meeting through and smacked him afterwards for putting you in such a compromising position. You were blushing furiously at the way he gave such a boyish grin and even that night while he walked you to your small cottage, he had a satisfied smile in place.

You always knew you liked Eren, you were also hopeful that the feeling was mutual. The both of you had grown close over the course of your stay, as the head doctor you were given your own living quarters, not too far from headquarters but not so close to the city that you would be given a hard time. Your cottage was fair in size and with the amount of income you were receiving, you were quick to furnish and decorate it to your liking. Eren had even helped by adding his own touches to the interior. The times you would go to the city with him was always met with many curious stares. Your age and gender made many turn heads when you walked in, the fact that you were the youngest and by far prettiest doctor the scouts had ever had made people naturally gravitate to you. Your ability to make friends quickly also made it that almost every weekend you were entertaining guests at your house. Sometimes it would be dinner with Sasha, Niccolo, and Connie. Other times you would be knitting and embroidering with Mikasa and Armin, there was even game nights with everyone until Jean and Eren became too competitive with one another. Other times when the higher ups had meetings (All of which you had to attend since you technically held an officer position within the military branch) you would offer your house where you all shared cups of tea and your famous baked goods. You had even seen Captain Levi grab seconds on your sugar cookies.

It was the times when Eren would swing by alone that caused your heart to flutter, he would walk you home almost every night now. At first he would find the poorest excuses to see you like needing a bandaid for his wrist from the biting (even though by the time you gave him the gauze it would be healed over completely) or try to "casually" be around the area when you would get out at three in the morning. Eventually your amusement turned to you asking him to walk you home every night under the guise that you were afraid of being targeted or hurt, even though everyone had seen you body-slam Reiner the one time he tried to hit on you when you were stitching up his eyebrow from an ugly gash. Nonetheless, Eren accepted. You would invite him in for tea every time and he would even bring you lunch on days he failed to see you in the cafeteria. It seemed like everyone under the sun knew about you and Eren's crushes on one another, so it was also a pain in the ass that neither of you had yet to make a move on one another. Even Erwin had assumed you two were together the one morning he stopped by your house on your day off to ask for your aid for a soldier who had broken their arm from a training exercise, his eyes had grown wide upon seeing you open the door in only your nightgown, you were rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you invited him in for breakfast.

Upon walking in, he immediately saw Eren exiting your bathroom in his casual jeans, his hair was wet and sticking up from the steam of the shower. Eren wasn't wearing a shirt and before Erwin could excuse himself completely you quickly explained how you hadn't wanted him to walk outside so late so he slept on your couch. You were washing his clothes and had left them out to dry and Erwin could only nod and stop himself from suggesting for Eren to bring spare clothes to yours, remembering that it wasn't his place to push or even encourage his team's doctor and titan-shifter to date even though by the way he saw you put jelly on Eren's toast while he made your cup of tea with three sugars was enough for him to almost just order the two of you to date. Instead, he gave a long rant to Levi, wondering aloud whether Eren was either oblivious to your affections or just an idiot, Levi only replied with, "Did you happen to bring any of the toast she made?"...he did and Levi later on answered, "He's just an idiot." while licking the excess jelly off his fingers.

It was another day at headquarters, the mid-summer day was hot and since the flow of traffic had been slow inside the infirmary, you found yourself mostly in the officer's lounge. You had opted to wear a long sleeve empire waist dress, the top had ruffles along your collar and the soft pink of the dress complimented your skin tone. It fell around mid-thigh and the black shoes you wore with them completed your overall look. Eren had stared at your bare legs for a while until he noted your haircut. You had only cut off the ends but your heart did a flip as you blushed from him noticing. You had been chatting with Hange about your research while Moblit spoke to Eren about the new set of routes to be taken during their next trip beyond the walls when Captain Levi walked in. Hange waved him over and he fell easily beside you.

"Hey." His arm brushing against yours and you hummed in response, leaning a bit towards him which didn't go unnoticed by Eren.

"Levi, did you take your medicine this morning?" About two weeks ago you had caught the captain asleep at his desk for the fourth time. You knew he overworked himself and refused to sleep in his bed no matter how many therapeutic pillows you got him, but while he was out like a light you decided to check his blood pressure, only to find it alarmingly high. You figured the amount of stress and cups of caffeinated tea were to blame. Levi kept in good shape, but considering his age and the fact that he never even considers laughing, you prescribed him medications to be take every morning and cut him off from his usual tea leaves. The former was easier to push as the calcium and magnesium capsules were easy to swallow, it was getting rid of all the tins in his desk that made him a bit unbearable to the new recruits.

He let out an annoyed grunt as he nodded. Your smile was soft as you put an encouraging hand on his arm and Eren was officially not listening to Moblit anymore.

"Thanks for sticking to your diet, Captain Levi. As a token of my appreciation, I got you these." You didn't let him reply, quick to act as always as you reached into the small basket you had brought and grabbed his hand to put the gray tin of loose leaves that you took out in his palm.

As usual, the captain was unfazed by your lack of appreciation for personal space. The past few weeks had done well to teach him how despite being yelled at, threatened, and even outright ignored at times, your cheeriness was impossible to diminish and you did whatever the heck you wanted even when it was at times impulsive.

"What is it?" He looked between you and the tin, the slight sneer on his upper lip making you release a giggle before you tapped the bow you tied on it.

"It's tea leaves." He raised a slim eyebrow which made you roll your eyes, "Decaffeinated tea."

"Let me guess, it tastes like shit." His eyes flickered to the purple bow, "Or it'll make me shit."

You laughed, you upper body leaning on his as you attempted to catch your breath. The joke wasn't that funny but the face he made was. You giggled as you shook your head and Hange watched in bemusement as you elaborated,

"It's the tea I always serve and judging by the three cups you had last time, I'm positive you'll like it."

Levi let out a nod, he hadn't even noticed that the tea you served had no caffeine but the heavy notes of honey in it probably explained its sweetness. He gave a quiet thank you before his scowl returned,

"So that's why I was on the crapper all night after the last meeting."

"With a potty mouth like that, it's not wonder you don't have a girlfriend." You deadpanned.

"I feel bad for the poor bastard who falls in love with you."

You let out a small tsk, smiling at him and hoping Eren heard as you said, "Well that depends if he admits he feels the same way."

Captain Levi quirked an eyebrow at you, his eyes knowing and you blushed under his stare. Your fingers fiddling behind your back and Eren hated the way Levi suddenly chuckled at you. His smile was a rarity and to have him giving it to you only meant one thing to Eren; the captain liked you.

"So there is someone you like? Who's the poor brat?"

When you were about to make another snide remark, Hange cut in and excused herself and Moblit.

"As fascinating as this is, there's a captured titan waiting my arrival and if I don't get to use this research Dr. Y/L/N just gave me before nightfall, I will lose my mind."

"I hadn't heard of us ever finding it to begin with." Levi sighed, taking a lock of your hair between his fingers and letting the curl bounce back before he excused himself to tag along with them.

"Someone's got to make sure four eyes doesn't get killed."

"That's why Moblit is going with her." You noted.

"And who do you think will make sure Moblit doesn't get killed?" He smiled once more, "Laters doc."

You waved goodbye to the three, the door clicking behind them and you turned to see Eren with his arms crossed. He was pouting like a child and you wondered what his deal was. You figured with your earlier comment, he would be over the moon to hear you hinting at liking him. You skipped up to him, getting on the tips of your toes as you poked his cheek.

"What's the matter? You look like a scolded child."

"Nothing." He muttered, looking away as his jaw clenched and you only poked him once more.

"Liar." You called him out, "Talk to me."

"You didn't answer Captain Levi's question."

You were sure that there was a giant question mark on top of your head, the gear in your mind shifting as you tried to recall what the captain asked before your mouth opened in realization. You couldn't help but smile as you looked down at Eren's shoes and he only seemed to grow angrier as he watched you blush.

"About my crush? Oh! Well I wouldn't call him a brat, but I guess his attitude could often warrant that title. He's got this sort of this determined mentality that I guess some people can find...overbearing." You played with the cuff of your dress, "But I personally find it charming."

"So he's charming?"

You hummed as you smiled, "He's a bit rough around the edges, but he always means well. He's easy on the eyes too. Got really nice hair and pretty colored eyes that makes me swoon around him. Not to mention his body looks like Zeus could be his father." To add emphasis, your body leaned side to side as you laughed.

Eren snorted, his eyes rolling as he thought of any guy he knew that was like you described. All he could think of was Captain Levi and Erwin. He hated to think of Levi as charming, but he was rough all around. Erwin had eyes that Historia had once described as pretty, but to think of you being attracted to someone as old as him made his stomach flip.

"Want to head back to my office?" You suggested, not wanting to leave Eren's side until he figured it out but also not wanting to stick around in case other officers walked in. You got a stiff nod and wanted to giggle when Eren still opened the door for you. As the both of you walked through the large building, you added a hop to your step as you continued,

"He's also such a gentleman. He respects me, he's never intimidated by my sharp wit, always opens doors for me, waits until I'm sitting before he starts eating, and he almost seems proud of me being a doctor. He's just so understanding and sure of himself as a man that I guess the idea of having a girlfriend in my position would never make him feel inferior." You turned to look at Eren sideways and noticed his shoulders hunched, you knew it was cruel how you kept teasing him but were hopeful that it would click for him soon, so you went on.

"Wow, sounds like a real keeper." He grumbled, now thinking of Jean or even Connie. Armin was too occupied with Annie and Reiner was too obsessed with Historia to hang around you. There was no way Beruto/Borrito/Bertoto would catch your eye as you had made it a point to always get his name wrong, but Connie made you laugh and Jean was always extra nice to you.

"I'm telling you, I think he's perfect. He's dependable, strong, and we share so many of the same ideas. I could talk to him for hours and never be bored and when I'm not with him, I feel...sad. I just constantly want to be by his side and if I'm not I want him to be thinking about me because that's exactly what I do."

You both entered your office, you walked up to your desk as you spoke, turning around and leaning against it to look at Eren. He had closed your door a little harder than necessary, the wood shaking against the frame as he crossed his arms and leaned his back on the door. He looked downright irritated and you bit your lip to keep from laughing.

"So why haven't you told him?"

You shrugged, "I think I've been pretty obvious about it, I'm always smiling when he's in the room, I always want to be with him, there's never a day where we don't walk together. I even wore this dress for him today."

You waved down at your figure, Eren's eyes looked over you twice and you jumped up on your desk, your thighs parting as you let the short skirt cover your panties and barely cover the tops of your thighs.

"I'm sure he'll love it." Eren spit out.

"I don't know..." You tilted your head, "Do you?"

Eren pushed himself off the door, going to your bookcase and letting his fingers brush the spines of the books, "It doesn't matter what I think. I'm not Mr. Pretty eyes. Sounds like a simpleton to me."

You let out an actual deep sigh and Eren met you with furrowed brows.

"What?"

"You're so fucking dense, Eren."

"What did I say?" He threw his hands up, "Just because I called him simple? I'm so sorry I don't care to hear you go on and on about this guy. I never thought I'd see you bend over backwards for some guy who opens doors for you. I thought you would have higher standards than that."

You let out a snort, "Keep talking Yeager, and I just might higher them."

"I mean I never thought looks would be so important to you. It's so-"

"So what?" Your tongue had a sharp edge that did not go unnoticed by Eren. He stood only a few feet from your desk, but you saw the awkward shift in his posture.

"Shallow." He spit out.

"Excuse me?" You gave him a look that said if he wouldn't apologize in the next ten seconds, he would surely live to regret it.

"What I mean is...what guy could possibly have this head over heels and you're just now telling me? I thought...I thought we-" He stopped, looking to the side and you relaxed before saying,

"We what, Eren?"

"I thought we had something special." He muttered. He looked to see your mouth opened in a small gasp and he began to turn to exit when you quietly beckoned him over.

"Eren...come here."

"No, I should g-"

"Please." You begged and the look in your eyes brought him to stand in front of you. Your hands reached for his shirt, yanking him forward and you hooked your legs around his calves. Eren gaped at you, not knowing what to do and say as you put one hand on his shoulder and the other cupped his cheek.

"You are such a dumbass." You laughed, "The person I've been going on and on about, that simpleton you bashed, is you. It's always been you, Eren."

It was like watching a light flicker on very very slowly, but once it was on you watched as embarrassment flooded Eren. His smile was sheepish and stupid as he stuttered over his words. His hands rested on your hips and you stroked his face from his temple to jaw as you asked,

"Do you maybe feel the same way?"

You didn't get a verbal answer, the sudden kiss Eren laid on you was an answer enough. His lips were soft and warm as they moved against your own, his tongue enveloped yours and you felt him lean more onto you. The moan that slipped out his mouth when you bit his bottom lip made something tighten in your stomach.

When you two finally broke apart you didn't miss the trail of saliva that connected the two of you and you whimpered for more. The second kiss was heavier, a clash of teeth and tongues as Eren feverishly wrestled to touch you everywhere his hands could reach. You felt him press against your core, the loud gasp you let out made him look at you in concern.

"Sorry, sorry. I'll stop if you want me to."

You shook your head as you met those green eyes that held you captive since day one, "More. I want more."

The smirk was something you had never seen, his eyes became half-lidded as Eren kissed your nose. Then your chin, then your neck. When he reached your collar, his finger hooked onto the top of your dress, pulling the fabric down as he kissed just above your breast.

"She wants more." He said to himself, the soft rasp in his voice made you attempt to close your legs. His hands pushed what little that had covered your legs up and Eren's fingers brushed your core.

The jump you gave made his smirk grow, "I haven't even touched you yet."

He saw the small patch of dampness on your panties, and before you could ask him what he was doing, you let out a sharp gasp when his fingers pushed the fabric to the side and he plunged two fingers into your pussy.

The moan he ripped from you was like music to his ears and as he began to slowly pump his fingers in and out he watched as your face became hot and red. It was uncomfortable as first, you could even say it hurt but that didn't stop you from rocking your hips up to meet his eager hands. You weren't entirely prepared as you felt a bit tense as Eren kissed your neck, the suckling on your flesh making small breathy whimpers leave your mouth. His other hand's fingers hovered over the buttons on the back of your dress and his eyes asked for permission as he glanced up at you.

A small tentative nod was all he received before he took out his hand from between your legs, his tongue skillfully licking the digits cleaned and you didn't think you would find such an act so erotic. You arm hooked around his neck as you brought him down to a kiss, you could taste yourself on his lips as he kissed you back eagerly, his fingers skillfully working the buttons on your dress and you wondered for a brief moment if he had ever done such an act before. You pushed the thoughts away, not wanting to lose focus or confidence while in the middle of being with Eren by letting unnecessary insecure creep into your heart. As if being able to read your mind, Eren said-

"Stop being in your head," A hard kiss against your lips, "Be here with me."

His nose rubbed sweetly against yours, fingers tilting your head up as you gave a hesitant nod. Your eyes wanted to focus anywhere but his eyes and you could felt warmth spread across your cheeks when the sleeves of your dress fell down your arms. The idea of letting Eren see all of you was as exciting as it was nerve-wrecking, the most he ever saw was your legs and back from that one time you walked out of the bath in only a towel. Seeing him shirtless was not new but you still felt your breath catch in your throat as you watched him yank the material off. Your hands explored the newly exposed skin, fingers dipping in every curve of muscle and your hand rested just above the waistband of his jeans. You noticed his breathing grow heavy, Eren's head falling forward on your exposed shoulder where you felt him nip and suck on the soft flesh. You returned the favor by kissing him on the chest, your eyes still casted downwards as you fumbled with the buckle on his belt, you let out a small curse from how hard your hands were shaking and Eren placed a gentle hand on top of yours, his eyes alight with amusement as his lips curved into a soft smile.

"Baby, relax." He murmured, he pushed your hands aside as he took over the task. You let out a deep breath as you heard the sound of his zipper being tugged down and you decided to be bold. You lowered the upper half of your dress, the cotton falling off your arms with ease and you blushed furiously once you remembered that you hardly ever wore bras and today was no different.

Your nipples were taut as you shivered from the cold air in your office and Eren stared at you in wonder his eyes raking your body as you looked to the side and brought your bottom lip in between your teeth.

"Fuck, can I touch you?" Eren blurted, his hands still near his trousers and you giggled when he added a last second, "Please."

Nodding, you figured it was time to stop feeling so shy. You had been dreaming about this moment for months, yet as the man you loved stood before you, eager to be with you, all you could think about was how scared you were that you wouldn't be enough to satisfy him.

One more glance at the way he watched you was enough for you to think, If he really didn't, he wouldn't be looking at me as if I put all the stars in the sky.

You felt the second wind of confidence hit you and you took Eren by surprise as you hooked your fingers on his belt loops and tugged the fabric down. You palmed him through the thin material of his briefs and his hips jerked from the contact before he melted against you. Lowering the elastic, your small hand wrapped itself around his shaft and you took a moment to admire his dick. It was something new and foreign to you, for a moment you wondered if all male penises looked like that but you pushed that thought aside as you found yourself not really wanting to ever know, as long as Eren's would be the only one you saw. You hand moved up and down, your thumb brushing across his tip as you swiped some of the liquid leaking out to use as lube.

You knew he was a few inches above average, the thickness was also enough to make you worry for a moment whether he would be able to fit in you as his fingers struggling to push inside of you were of any indication of how tight your body was. Either way you were determined to satisfy the both of you, the idea of him using you and watching his face come apart as he milked himself dry using only your pussy had your head feeling fuzzy with want. He rested his head on you, causing your body to lean back and you pressed one palm on your desk behind you and the other jerked him off a bit sloppily. His moans filled the space of your office, you secretly prayed to the gods that the scouts could be smart enough for once to not be injured or to be able to at least handle it themselves and your eyes flickered to the door for a moment.

"Eren," You murmured to the shell of his ear, his heavy breaths fanning across the span of your chest and you felt both your bodies getting hot. "The door, we need to lock the door."

His groan was the only response you got as he trailed kisses up your neck and shoulder, and you resisted the urge to roll your eyes, he was such a guy sometimes. You began to lower yourself from the desk before his hand on your leg suddenly halted your movements and he gave you a lazy smile, his half lidded eyes softly rolling as he let out an obnoxious groan of annoyance.

"I'll do it." He didn't even bother to tuck himself back into his briefs, his dick fully erect as he made way to your door. You felt your hand falling to your side and you bit your lip as you thought about what you wanted to do twice before letting your own hand push the fabric of your underwear to the side once more. You rubbed at your clit lazily as you softly moaned, your eyes closing at the sensation and you smiled when you heard the soft, "Shit." coming from a few feet ahead of you. Eren's eyes were transfixed on you, the way your head rolled back as your moans became louder and higher pitched was making him painfully hard and he wanted-no needed to be inside of you before he was sure he would come right then and there.

Your eyes were still closed when you felt him settle between your legs once more, eyes hazy and smile lazy as you felt him tug your panties down your legs. Your ass lifted briefly to help and you giggled when he grunted in annoyance from having to shuffle backwards to slip them off completely. He laughed with you as his hand cupped you by your jaw, lips finding yours in a tender kiss and the hand that had been rubbing at your clit was used to steady yourself by his shoulder. His muscles flexed under your touch and your breaths intermingled as he stared at you with such an intensity that you felt your stomach flip. You looked down to where he rubbed his length along your folds and gulped.

"I-I'm nervous." You admitted, cheeks blushing and Eren kissed your temple.

"It's okay, I'll take care of you. Do you trust me?" You gasped at the intensity in his eyes, Eren Yeager was one who never beat around the bush and you felt tears pool around your eyes as you nodded. Everything leading up to this moment overwhelmed you suddenly, losing your family, gaining your dream job, becoming independent so quickly, and falling in love with a man who turned into what so many feared but who let you place` flower crowns on his head during tea parties. He continued to maintain eye contact with you, your lips parting and eyes partly closing as he began to push past your labia. It all felt too much, but you wouldn't want to be anywhere else in that exact moment Eren pressed his tip into your passageway. There was a bit of resistance and the guttural moan he released made your eyes widen in an audible gasp, he looked ethereal with reddened cheeks, a slacked opened jaw, eyes that looked close to tears, and thin layer of sweat making his dark brown locks stick to his forehead.

He pushed another inch in, trying his best to not act too quickly or too harshly. All he wanted to do was fucking ruin you. Mark you as his by impregnating you and watching as you took every drop of his semen. It seemed you wanted it too as your hips jerked forward and took in another inch.

"Eren, please." You had no idea what you were asking for, he was being slow and gentle and as much as you appreciated his mindfulness, it had been six long months and if you had to go through another night of humping your pillow or rubbing one out with only fantasies of Eren touching you (Sometimes even Levi, depending on how much alcohol you had consumed) you were gong to scream.

Another inch and a deep chuckle was his response. Your eyes were set ablaze as the realization that he was teasing you.

"Please what baby?"

"Give it to me." You whispered, your hand tugging at his hair harshly and the hiss of pain he released was simultaneous when he completely thrusted his entire length into you. Your thighs jerked at the sudden intrusion and the cry you let out was loud enough that if anybody were nearby, the would have assumed someone struck you. Your hand smacked against his chest, your breath ragged as you attempted to give Eren an angry glance but your pussy betrayed you as it clenched hard around him.

You both released a gasp when Eren fully bottomed out inside you. His hips flush against your parted thighs and your foreheads pressed against one another, lips brushing but not kissing yet as you two came to terms of what was being done. You and Eren were one, there was no going back from what was about to transpire and you silently prayed that he wouldn't regret it later.

"Stop being in your head," He murmured against your mouth, eyes looking into yours, "Be here..."

He gave a heavenly thrust and you felt his arms wrap themselves around your waist as he forced you to fall back onto your desk with a small uff and your hands fell onto his shoulders. Your legs locked around his waist and the new angle caused him to be deeper inside you, but he continued to stare at your with that same admiration from that day he had met you.

"With me."

You nodded slowly, kissing Eren for what felt like the first time. A bit shyly and unsure as your mouth moved against his slowly, you savored the taste of tea and something sweet from his tongue and you let one of your hands hold him by his face as the other found solace in his hair.

Eren began to thrust into you, the rhythm a bit off at first as you two tried to find what worked and when he dipped his hips a little and heard the string of filthy words leaving your mouth, he gave a knowing smirk.

"Hmm, right there princess?"

You panted, your tongue lolling out as his began to go faster. One of your hands shot out to the side to brace yourself on something when Eren began to fuck you harder and instead you turned to see you hand knocked your bottle of ink over, the deep blue liquid was spilling everywhere but before you could let your brain process the mess, Eren began to suck on the flesh of your neck that you exposed when you moved your head. You moaned as you closed your eyes at the overwhelming sensations of it all, your hands grabbing at the muscles in his back and you arched your own and pressed your chest into him.

"Oh fuck," Eren moaned out, "This pussy is so good. You're taking me so well, princess."

"Yeah?" You panted out, "Going to cum in me, baby?"

Eren picked himself up on his forearms, too preoccupied with how pretty your tits looks bouncing with each thrust to notice the your hair was sprawled all over and the upper part of his arm was touching something wet, he figured it was the sweat you two were producing with your coupling.

"I'm gonna get you pregnant, make you mine forever."

"I'm yours!" You screamed as his hips slammed particularly harder down onto your own.

"Choke me, make me a mommy, cum in me, just please don't stop fucking me." You cried out, and a new sort of excitement showed in his eyes, his hand cupped just below your jaw and the light pressure he put on you made you moan louder.

The sounds of skin smacking, panting breaths, and heavy moans filled the air. Eren coaxing you to come all over his dick as you begged him to not pull out of you echoed of the walls of your office. You went on like that for a good while and you giggled in realization that your silent wish for everyone to leave the two of you alone for a while had come true.

Unbeknownst to you two, there had almost been three interruptions. The first being Captain Levi who wanted to ask if mixing his blood pressure medicine with wine would be too dangerous, but when he heard you scream he almost barged in before the unmistakable moan that followed made him fully come to a halt. He didn't even think twice about what was transpiring, briefly remembering that Eren was in fact with you this morning before quickly turning around and hauled ass as far from the hallway as he could. He wasn't sure where he was heading before he stumbled into Erwin's office, the commander looking up to see his captain look like he just ran a marathon.

"Levi? You look like you just saw a ghost?" His eyebrows creased, "Are you okay?"

"Yeager isn't as dense as we thought."

Eren stood to his full height, grabbing at your ankles and moving your legs onto his shoulders to they were fully parallel to his body. You let out another giggle at how your ankles were now on either side of his head, but the small kiss he gave your right one made you let out a noise of adoration. He gripped your hips, smiling as he noted the streaks of something blue all over your chest and neck but decided against telling you as your pussy began to pulsate around him. There was no way in hell he was going to stop you from orgasming.

The second time was Sasha and Connie as they wanted to ask if eating candies with the wrapper still on was anything they needed to worry about, but the sounds of your desk scraping across the floor with Eren commending you for being a good girl and taking him so well made the both of them stare at each other with wide eyes. The "Huh?"'s they exchanged were amusing to anyone else and Sasha grabbed Connie by the collar before they hightailed out of there. Connie wanting to see if Eren had really been capable of pulling you and Sasha calling it bullshit and stating that the real reason was that he wanted to see you naked.

His thrusts became wild and sloppy, the slushing sounds you two were making was the hottest sounds you ever heard. You held onto his wrists, your smile wide and beautiful and Eren knew he wasn't going to be able to hold out much longer.

"I'm not gonna last long," He let you know, you nodded as you reached down to rub your clit in circles.

"Fuck, you look so hot." He blurted, his cheeks a deeper red and you gave him another soft smile.

"Thanks, baby. You too." His abs were going to be the death of you and you hoped you would get the chance to suck him off later to lick them one by one in foreplay.

You felt him begin to twitch in you and you knew you were so close, your rubbing speeding up as Eren's thrusts were becoming more sporadic. The way his eyes began to roll upwards had you chanting,

"I'm-I'm cumming!" Your moan was breathy and high as you felt your release overwhelm your senses, you felt euphoria as you moaned so loud that Jean and Floch who didn't believe Connie when he said that Eren had managed to bed you stared at each other with wide eyes and gaped mouths as they stood outside your door. Their cheeks red as they rushed down the hallway as if their asses were on fire, not even halfway down the stairs when they felt their collars yanked at so harshly they almost trampled down, Captain Levi's glare knowing as he began to reprimand them for being nosy pricks.

Eren's cock dove into you hard and you felt him pulsate as he shot long ropes of cum into you, his essence overflowing as he filled you to the brim and painted your insides white.

His moan was unbelievably loud and low, the "I love you." That followed didn't go unnoticed by you and the smile he gave, made you realize how much he meant it.

"I love you." Your answered back, he pushed your thighs to your chest when he lowered himself to kiss you. His cock softening inside you and he slowed his thrusts down and milked himself dry. He tapped his tip on your sensitive clit, making sure he was empty before tucking himself back into his boxers and jeans. The creampie in you was beginning to ooze out and he used his two fingers to push it back in, your hips bucking at the intrusion and you whined about your sensitivity.

You sat up, your hand going to fix your hair, only groaning slightly when you felt the ink on some strands already drying. You huffed before jumping down and fixing your dress. Eren was putting his shirt back on, his back slightly turned to you and your eyes widened in embarrassment at seeing the blue ink in what was obviously your finger prints streaked all over. You looked down and saw that it had well faded from your hands, transferring to your lover who put on his jacket. You shrugged, figuring no one would see it and you could wash your hands later. Your hair would be a bit tricky to explain but you would be home to shower soon anyway, which reminded you-

"Do you want to stay over tonight?" You blurted, scaring Eren as his eyes widened, you bit the inside of your cheek and fumbled with your fingers.

He smiled, walking up to you and kissing you on the lips before replying, "I would love to. I have to do some work today, and pack an overnight bag but I'll be home by dinner." His eyes looked you over, stifling a laugh when he saw the marks of blue ink on your neck, debating on telling you but not being able to deny how cute they looked on you, a gentle reminder of what happened just moments ago and an odd turn on for him to think of it as him marking you as his, the lovebite also on the side making him watch you with love.

You nodded before giving a follow-up question, "Chicken or fish?"

"Fish." He nodded, you grabbed a few papers from your desk drawer and Eren asked if you were all set before taking your hand into his as the two of you began to walk out the office, you mentioned having to speak to Erwin about the cadet recovering from a broken limb and Eren listened patiently, your hands swinging in between the two of you and you both relished at how easy it felt to transition into a life of domestication together. He walked you to Erwin's office, his knuckles knocking on the door before a loud, "One minute!" replied.

You both shared a look of confusion before shrugging and stepping to the side. You fixing his hair and Eren's hand resting on top of your hips when the office door opened. You both turned to see Jean and Floch who sported sullen faces, their arms swinging in front of them as if they were children just denied a cone of ice cream.

"Boys?" You called, your free hand interlocking with Eren who stood in place as you took a step toward the pair. "Everything alright?"

They looked between you and Eren, Jean seeing the ink marks on your neck and seeing Eren's hair haphazard was enough to make him look to the floor, his cheeks reddening and Eren could only smirk. Floch was the opposite, he couldn't take his eyes off you as his face held a permanent grimace and you wondered if he was constipated.

"Baby," Eren called, tugging you back to him and Jean scoffed, Possessive ass is already showing her off. He thought to himself.

"They just got yelled at by Erwin, whatever they did was obviously bad, just leave them be."

You nodded in understanding, giving them a comforting smile and Floch didn't miss the knowing look in Eren's eyes.

"Sorry to hear about that. If you two ever need anything, you know where my office is."

"Yeah, that's the problem." Captain Levi's voice came from the doorway. Jean and Floch mumbled a quick goodbye before scurrying away and you couldn't help but fall into deeper confusion.

The captain and Eren exchanged looks before Eren bent to kiss your cheek.

"I got to go. I'll see you later, princess." You blushed at the nickname and public display, murmuring a soft okay in reply as your boyfriend? walked away from you.

You gave Levi a smile which he didn't return, you didn't miss the small blush on his cheeks and you figured it was from seeing such intimacy from Eren. You were almost positive Levi was still a virgin. Walking into Erwin's office, you all but skipped the man's desk, falling beside him and giving him a bright smile which he returned.

"Hey Erwin, just wanted to update you on the cadet's recovery plan. He should be back in training in a few months if he listens to my instructions, think you can help me?"

"Sure what do you need?"

"Well, I'd need you to sign these release forms first." You shrugged putting the papers in front of him, you looked at his desk and grabbed the pen, "Where's your ink?"

The chuckle the two men gave you made your eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"What?"

"Seems like you're wearing it, Doc." Levi's eyes flickered to your neck.

You let out a gasp and your hands slapped to cover you and the laughs that followed only made you blush furiously.

Dammit, You thought, Eren you idiot.