#like I don’t dress as crazy anymore but still…. god i’m beyond devastated

[drinkthemlock]

JORDAN MOONEY DIED???? AND NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME????

[ashtheshortstack]

Waiting for Your Curtain Call - ch 3

Rating: M Ship: Kristoff/Anna Chapter 3: You’ve Got Me Coming Back For More

Tags: Modern AU, Bodyguard AU, Popstar AU, KristAnna, human!Sven, Eventual Smut, Slowish Burn, Fluff, Bodyguard Kristoff, Popstar Anna, Popstar Elsa

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Kristoff awoke the next morning to his phone full of notifications. It was his job to keep up with Anna on a daily basis—and maybe he took that part of the job too seriously—so, when she had posted on her social media apparently there was a ferocious reaction. 

  @annaarendelleofficial: Thank you all for your support during this trying time. I’m sorry I was unable to attend the charity concert last night, but my sister did an amazing job out there. I ask for time to myself while I figure this out… I hope you all understand. Love you all! 

  There was an all out battle of words between fans of Hans versus fans of Anna. Many of Hans’ fans were claiming the photo was being taken out of context, that everyone didn’t really know the truth. But Anna’s fans were arguing that if it was a fake then Anna wouldn’t have missed the concert. Which was true. And he couldn’t really blame Hans’ fans. They didn’t actually know him. Didn’t know his true nature. They were just a bunch of girls who liked cute singing guys. 

Anna was trending even more so with her quiet statement that morning. The outcry was mostly supportive. Kristoff often made a point not to feed the trolls, but sometimes there were some snide comments directed towards Anna--that she was inferior to Elsa or that she deserved Hans’ treatment somehow--those made his blood boil. The internet could truly be stupid sometimes. 

Hans hadn’t posted anything since the photo leaked. Comments on his last post from a day ago had a mixture of emotions. Some supported him while some called him a coward and a cheater. The latter comments were correct, of course. 

All Kristoff wanted to do was see Anna. Just to check on her. The Arendelles were supposed to have the day off, so he and Sven were technically off the clock. There were different security guards that protected their home on the daily. Sven and Kristoff were the travelling agents basically. If there was one thing Agnarr Arendelle took seriously, it was the protection of his daughters and home. Or it could just be about keeping a watchful eye on them at all times. Kristoff wasn’t sure if Agnarr really knew the difference. 

He showered and dressed before heading downstairs to the kitchen. Even if Agnarr was high maintenance, he did put Kristoff and Sven up in a nice place to live not far from the Arendelles’ mansion. When he made it into the kitchen, there was already a pot of coffee brewed on the counter. Kristoff poured a cup, adding in a bit of sugar before joining Sven at the table. 

“Hey, man. This whole mess with Hans is crazy, right?” Sven asked, glancing up from his phone. He must’ve been checking Twitter.

Nodding, Kristoff sighed. “Anna was devastated. She was crying so much and I--I wish there was more I could’ve done for her.” 

Sven grinned behind his mug. “Ah yes, you’re evening curing the heartbreak of one Anna Arendelle. Did you go for the comfort kiss?” he teased as he poured a bowl of cereal before adding the milk. 

“Sven! C’mon, that’s ridiculous. As much as I care for Anna, I would never want to be the rebound guy. Especially not Hans Westergaard’s.” 

Humming in agreement, Sven slurped down some cereal. “True that, man. I know Anna’s pretty update, but at least we don’t have to deal with that vermin anymore.” 

“True,” Kristoff sighed. “I feel guilty for being relieved.” 

“It’s not selfish to be happy that the girl you like is single. Especially since her boyfriend was a pain in your ass.” 

With another sip of coffee, Kristoff gave a small nod. Sven was right, of course. But it didn’t change how much he worried for Anna. All he wanted was her happiness and seeing her so upset the previous evening made his heartache. If he hated Hans before… he loathed the bastard now after he dared to use Anna like trash he could toss aside. Teeth clenching at the thought, he tried to calm himself. Getting angry at that bastard wouldn’t make Anna feel better. 

Kristoff stood quickly after finishing his coffee, setting his cup in the washer. Sven perked up, brows raising as he glanced at him. 

“What’re you doing? Aren’t you gonna eat?” 

“Not hungry,” he grumbled. 

Sven gave him a knowing glance before Kristoff went to the entry hall, grabbing the leather jacket from the coat rack. He slipped it on, grabbed his keys, and slammed the door behind him. There was no need for full leather chaps when he was just going five minutes down the road. Technically, he would walk to the Arendelle mansion, but he hadn’t gotten on his bike in a while. It’d be nice to have some change. 

Kristoff clicked the helmet beneath his chin and slipped on his shades before mounting his bike. He kicked the stand, cranking the handle, and took off towards the mansion. The wind whipped and hit his cheeks, but the breeze felt wonderful considering he’d felt so cooped up lately. It was nice to be free for once in a while. Not that he felt trapped by his job… Anna did make it worth it. Even if it was just her friendship. But he knew his job would be so much easier now that Hans was out of the picture. 

When he arrived, he gave a quick nod to the security guards at the entrance gates, and they let him in immediately. He kicked down the stand to his bike and hooked his helmet on the handle bar. Kristoff was let in the door by Kai, one of the house managers, who gave him a smile.  

“Good morning, Kristoff. You’re not on shift today,” Kai stated. 

Nodding, he pursed his lips and lifted his shades to his forehead. “I know. Just--I--After yesterday, I wanted to check in on Anna. She wasn’t in very good shape after the--you know.” 

“I understand,” he said with a slight smile. 

Kristoff made his way through the home. He started up the stairs only to be stopped by Iduna calling his name. 

“Kristoff! What’re you doing here? Isn’t it your off day?” 

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he felt himself tense when he nodded. “Yeah, I just wanted to check on Anna.” 

God, he sure was having to tell that to a lot of people today. And anyone he told kept giving him the same smirk. It really boiled beneath his skin. Did everyone know something he didn’t? Or was he just that obvious? Or was it a combination of the two? Either way, it was beyond frustrating. 

“She’s actually with her father right now discussing some matters, but you can go wait in her room if you’d like.” 

Kristoff cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah. Sure,” he replied with a curt nod. 

He did just that. When he opened the door to her room, he certainly didn’t expect to see the pile of tissues gathered on her mattress. Had she slept like that? There was a tightening in his chest at the thought of her crying herself to sleep over that bastard. Oh, how she deserved so much better. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he did some tidying up. He was sure the maid would appreciate not having to pick up the crispy snotted tissues. Kristoff tossed the tissues into the trash, made her bed, and chucked away the now empty ice cream tub. 

When Kristoff stood at the foot of her bed and looked over his handy work, his shoulders sagged. “God, am I really this whipped?” he muttered to himself. 

“Kristoff?” 

He quickly turned to see Anna standing in the doorway, her jaw slack and eyes wide at the sight of him. 

“Hey, Anna. How are you feeling today?” 

Blinking at him, she still seemed a bit stunned at his presence. “You--You came here to check on me?” 

He gave a noncommittal shrug and glanced away from her. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?” 

Anna smiled, eyes softening at his words. “I’m glad you’re my friend, Kristoff.” 

“Me too,” he smirked. 

Striding across the room, she hopped onto her bed and patted the place beside her. Kristoff took the hint and slid on top of the covers next to her. Anna tugged her legs to her chest, hugging her arms around them. 

“Well, Hans texted me this morning.” 

Kristoff felt his chest tighten. “Oh, really?” 

“Yeah, some bull about it being a mistake and wanting me back,” she explained with a roll of her eyes. 

Scoffing, he shook his head at that. “Seriously?” 

“Oh, no, it gets better. When I said ‘no,’ obviously. He quickly changed his tune and tried to persuade me into fake dating so we could continue getting good publicity for one another. And again, I told him no. He really must think I’m an idiot, you know? It’s so stupid--ugh--anyway. So, then he decided to insult me, call me easy and desperate, and other insulting things. God, I’m so stupid. I was so wrong about him.” 

“Wait, he what?” 

“He’s an asshole, Kristoff, pay attention.” 

“No, no, no. I got that. He called you easy? ” 

“Yes.” 

The growl that left his lips wasn’t human. “That little--” 

“Hey,” she placed a gentle hand on his chest. “It’s okay. I know I was upset yesterday, and yeah, he hurt my feelings. But there’s so much better out there. This is just a set back. I’ll make it through. No use in crying any more tears over that prick, right?” 

Despite the rising anger heating in his gut, Kristoff took a long look at her calming demeanor. Seeing her a little more positive today helped him relax a little. He knew Anna was pretending to be okay. She was still hurting deep down. Her rambled excuses didn’t work on him. Kristoff knew her well enough. 

“You’re right… But it’s okay to be hurt. You don’t have to be so brave all of the time.” 

Anna’s face relaxed, her bottom lip quivering slightly. “Thank you, Kristoff. That means a lot.” 

“Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to suck this up and move on. You don’t, Anna. You’re allowed to hurt.” 

“I feel more stupid than hurt.” 

“You’re not stupid… Just new to love. Maybe that makes you a little naive,” he backtracked when she frowned. “I-I mean--Okay, maybe not naive. B-But that was your first relationship, and it’s okay that you didn’t know what it was supposed to be like.” 

Anna gave him a sideways glance. “What is it supposed to be like then?” 

He shrugged. “I-I don’t know. Like, uh, Ghost , I guess? You know how their love lasts even after death. When you care for someone else’s well being more than your own,” Kristoff murmured with a bitter smile. “A-And flowers and chocolates and all that,” he added. 

“I never took you for a romantic,” she teased while bumping his shoulder with her own. 

Kristoff laughed. “Y-Yeah, well…” he ruffled his hair nervously. “There’s a lot about me that people don’t know.” 

She hummed. “Will you tell me more, sometime?” 

“Uh, sure. I-I guess, I can do that. Sometime.” 

Anna’s smile was infectious. He couldn’t help but return the sentiment. She suddenly glanced away, chewing her bottom lip. “Uh--well--Papa is supposed to ask you and Sven this when you get back to work, but since you’re here I guess I could ask you myself?” she sucked in a breath. “Elsa and I are going on tour. Do you want to come?” 

“What?” 

“Do you want to be my bodyguard on the road? I know that you live here in LA, so I can’t ask you to leave if you’re not up for it. But of course, you’ll be paid for extended hours and everything. I just--I wouldn’t trust anyone else but you and Sven.” 

Kristoff nodded quickly. “Yes, Anna, of course. I’d be happy to go on tour with you guys. Traveling the country and getting paid for it? Sign me up.” 

“Great! I’m so glad you’ll be coming along.” 

The door swinging open shocked them both, Elsa seemed equally as stunned to see Kristoff sitting on the bed beside Anna. She seemed out of breath, as if she’d rushed to her sister’s room. Elsa stood straighter, sighing. 

“Hey, Kristoff. Considering how calm you both are, I assume neither of you have checked Twitter?” 

Anna’s eyes went wide. “Oh, God.” 

Reluctantly, Kristoff pulled his phone from his pocket. He pulled up the app, and there on trending was Hans Westergaard once again. God, what now ? 

  @HansWestergaard: There are two sides to every story. Not everything is as it seems. Maybe, some people should take responsibility for their own actions and stop pretending to be a victim.

  Kristoff’s jaw clenched as he swallowed. Was this douche for real? Was he really trying to pass blame onto Anna? How ridiculous could he be!? That tweet was so loaded…

Anna sighed beside him. “Is this ever going to end? He got caught… the least he could do is try to apologize gracefully rather than pretend I did something wrong.” 

“You should post screenshots of the messages he sent you,” Kristoff suggested. If anything, that could prove Hans’ true nature. 

But Anna shook her head. “No, that’ll just cause more trouble. People will accuse me of editing them. I can’t do anything until there’s physical proof of how he treated me, and frankly, I’m not going to confront him anytime soon. This will blow over, right?” 

Agnarr pushed the door wider from behind Elsa. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “This is a PR nightmare, Anna.” 

“I’m sorry, Papa, it’s not like I wanted this.” 

“I know, I know,” he told her, voice hard. “Look, don’t say anything else about this. You two have a tour and a new album to focus on. And Anna, I’m sorry, but I can’t have anything like this happen again. No more boys for now, do you understand?” 

“What!? Papa, I’m an adult . You can’t ban me from dating!” she retorted as she hopped to her feet from the mattress. 

Agnarr scowled. “I mean it, Anna. This isn’t an open discussion. You will not date anyone.” 

“But Papa!” 

“No! That’s enough. I’ve said what I said as your father and manager. You will not be seeing anyone. It was a mistake to allow you to date that pompous boybander to begin with,” he hissed before slamming the door behind him, nearly smacking Elsa in the process. 

Well. Fuck.

[suckerfordylansstuff]

All that matters..

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Peggy Carter

Not requested

Also gif not mine

5....4....3....2....1....

Steve was beginning his journey in returning the stones. Some were easy to return, in others he learnt new things, in others he.. Saw old faces he thought were only meant for his nightmares.. the last one was the soul stone and the truth was that he wasn't ready for what he was going to face.

Steve walked near the cliff, he looked down, even if it was very high he could still notice some blood. This red liquid and he tried so hard to not think, or not accept whom it was from. He quickly looked away and started searching for someone, anyone, to talk to here and complete his mission.

" Uhhh... Hello? I'm here to return a stone?" he said hopelessly since he couldn't see anyone there.

" Here to return what?" a voice said behind him and he sweared to God he had heard that voice before.

" A stone. I wa-" Steve began but he was cut off by the presence that stood in front of him.

" You.." Steve said and couldn't believe his eyes " No.. You.. You can't be.... I- I saw you vanish!"

" Yes.. But I did not just.. Dissappeared.. I was sent here to guard the soul stone. Which I assume you now want to return?" the red skull said looking very calm compared to Steve who was loosing his shit right now.

" Uh.. Yes.. Yes, here. " Steve said and right before red skull could take it, Steve backed up and said " One of my friends.. Sacrificed herself for this.. Now that I'm returning it.. Can I have her back?" Steve said in hope of seeing his dear friend once again to tell her everything that happened and everything he was planning.

" I'm sorry, Rogers." Steve shivered when he heard his name coming out of his mouth once again. " It is beyond my powers and plus. A soul cannot be returned after it has been sacrificed. It is gone. The person is gone."

" It looks like history really repeats itself then. You once again took everything from me." Steve said with bitter in his voice while he was thinking of how his friend took her life.. Her goddamn life to save theirs.. Of how his stupid soul stone and all the other ones destroyed the lives of billions..

" It is not my fault your friend did what she did. It was her choice. I'm sure you can understand that." red skull said with no sort of emotion in his voice.

" Just take it." Steve said already having enough from him and went far away from his unwanted past.

After some heavy breathing and some sorting through his memories from his past he finally set his thoughts at ease.

" Ok, Steve. C'mon. It's over now.. You'll be fine now.. Where you belong." Steve told himself, while he was setting the date and he then pressed the button.

When he opened his eyes he was somewhere... Not quite sure where, but one thing was for sure.. He was back. He recognized this familiar look of the city.. He was back at the 40s..

After some time he realized he wasn't too far away from Howard's place. He had went once there when they were discussing about his new suit.

He knocked and knocked and knocked but no one seemed to answer. Right when he was ready to give up the door swinged open and a tall man appeared in front of him.

" Hello? How can I help you?" he said in a British accent that took him of guard.

" Hi.. I umm.. I'm looking for Mr. Stark?" Steve said politely.

" May I ask who's asking?"

" A pretty old friend of his." Steve said without thinking that is was just 5 days after his death at this time. Opposite of his situation, where it has been decates since he last saw him.

" Could you tell me your name so I can inform him? " he asked looking a bit suspicious at Steve.

Steve didn't know if he should tell him " It's uh... It's.. " but before he could answer a voice came from the house.

" Jarvis! Who is it?" it's Howard. Steve could recognize his voice from every where.

" I don't know, sir. He won't say." Jarvis said and Howard stepped outside. He was shocked to see Captain America.. The man who died, who drowned, saving everyone. A legend and a hero to all was standing in front of him, when he was supposed to be frozen and dead.

" Hi, Howard.. " Steve started since Howard wasn't able to talk from the shock.

" S-Steve? Is that really you?"

" Yeah.. Listen I know this lo-" Howard came rushing into his arms pulling his thought so lost friend into a hug.

" Oh.. Bud.. I thought.. We all thought we lost you.. But how?" Howard asked looking at him.

" I can't say a lot.. At least for now.. But I am really here."

" Oh.. Everyone is gonna love this! I.. I can't believe it!" he said and looked at Jarvis who did not know what to do." Oh! Yes, sorry Jarvis. Steve this is Jarvis, my friend, and Jarvis that's Steve.. Steven Grant Rogers... Aka Captain America! " Howard said looking extremely proud of having Steve there.

" Oh my.. What an honor, Mr Rogers." Jarvis said and Steve shook his hand.

" The honor is all mine. I don't mean to sound rude but.. Could we all go inside, it's chilly. "

" Yes! Of course right this way, Steve!"

After explaining to him that he got here by a time travel and telling him that he can't revel who did after Howard was driving him crazy with who that person was. He didn't say much about his past even if it wouldn't effect his time on the future. He still was cautious about this until he felt ready to tell them.

" Oh wow... WAIT! JESUS! We have to call Peggy!!!! She'll be thrilled! She was so devastated when you passed- well.. When we thought you passed away." Howard said and was ready to dial Peggy's number.

" No! Stop!" Steve said putting the phone down.

" What? Don't you wanna talk to her?"

" Of course I wanna talk to her, but I.. I have a plan. We had arranged a date when I was about to crash the airplane and I wanna go and see her then.. That's why I came here to you, to see if you could let me stay for a couple days until then.. " Steve explained and Howard gave him a smirk.

" Finally you two.. Everyone in our crew wanted you guys to open up your eyes and see that you are perfect for each other. " he said and patted Steve on the shoulder.

" So.. I can stay?"

" Of course you can. Follow me." Howard said and Steve followed." Here is one of my guest rooms. It's yours for as much time as you need it. "

" Thank you, Howard. " Steve replied with a small smile on his face.

" Eveything for you, man.. I'm.. I'm so glad that you're here.. Even if you are technically supposed to not be, I'm happy to see you. "

" Me too. " Steve said and they hugged one more time.

" Ok.. Goodnight, Captain America" Howard told him with a small laugh.

" Don't.. Don't use that name.. I.. I don't use it anymore after everything that happened.."

" Oh, sorry.. The future hasn't been very nice, has it?"

" It's a long story that I'll tell you someday, but not now.. "

" Don't worry, mate. For me it's enough that you're OK.. Goodnight. "

" Goodnight. " Steve said and closed the door.

" I did it.. " he said softly to himself still not believing that he is back. He looked around him and saw a big room full of fancy stuff. He walked to the bed and saw some clothes there for him. He put on the pijamas and immediately drifted off to sleep.

~~~

Peggy was sitting on her room and looking at herself in the mirror. It was 7.20 in the afternoon.. Just 40 minutes until her date. She tried to calm herself and decided to start getting ready. She had already put on the red dress.. Steve's favorite. She picked up the red lipstick but her trembling hands took the best of her.

" I can't... I can't..." she mumbled, her red bloodshot eyes getting wet from the tears again. She knew the outcome of the night, but she still wanted to go..

" You promised him, Peggy.. You have to go." she told herself and after getting ready she went to the Stork Club.

She looked around her and everyone was celebrating, since the war was technically over. But she was far from celebrating. She may didn't look like it on the outside, but on the inside she was mourning.. Pretty darn hard. She just sat at a stool waiting for the clock to hit 8.00, but the noise, the laughter and the smell of alcohol was making her feel dizzy, so she went outside on the cold to relax a bit.

She put on her coat and cooled of while her back was touching the wall. She looked up to the sky and her eyes started forming tears once again for the millionth time this week. But she couldn't help it.. She had just lost one of her dearest friends and whom she thought was gonna be the love of her life. And now he's just gone.. Or that was what she thought.

Steve was walking down the street, looking ready for the bid surprise. He wasn't sure how she was gonna react, but he was sure that he would be the happiest person alive to talk to her once again.

And then he saw her.. She was standing there all by herself looking at her watch and then crying. It broke his heart seeing her so sad. Seeing her with no hope left. And so he decided to change that immediately.

It was exactly 8.00. And Peggy was still holding on to that little hope that he might come. But 10 minutes past and there was no sight of him. And now she was crying, crying like she never had before because now it's sure.. It's official that he is gone.

" I'm sorry that I'm late" Steve said quietly.

' This voice' Peggy thought and couldn't believe it.. She knew that voice! But it wasn't possible was it?

She looked up and almost had a heart attack. There he was, standing right in front of her with this big, beautiful smile of his. Peggy lost her mind.

" Hi, Peggs.." Steve started but he wasn't able to say anything else since Peggy started yelling.

" No!! You are not here! You are not real. Please, leave me alone... I can't with the illusions anymore" she said and kneeled down on the wall muttering 'please go' over and over again.

Steve was shocked. He knew that she would be sad when she saw him, but he did not expect this! Seeing his best girl like that broke his heart, he kneeled down too and took her hands in his. Peggy lifted her head slightly and looked at their hands in shock since she hadn't expected this to happen. Usually the illusions would go away after they blamed her for what had happened to him.. They didn't touch her, just blamed her. Over and over again..

" Pegs.. It's me.. It's Steve. Really, it's me.. Please look at me.." Steve said hopelessly trying to change her mood. He had never seen her like that. And come to think that this is was how she would have been like when he didn't show up.. And for God knows how long.

Peggy looked at him tears running down her face " Steve?" she said with some hope in her voice.

Steve simply answered with a yeah and then Peggy took her hand out of his and touched his cheek slowly. Steve was so happy to finally feel her warmth again and without thinking it he immediately relaxed into her touch.

" Steve.. It's- it's really you?" Peggy asked and when he answered her and I big smile and a simple nod, Peggy couldn't handle herself any longer and just embraced him with all she got. She hugged him so tight that he almost felt like he couldn't breath.

" Oh gosh... Oh my... Steve it's you.. It's you!!" Peggy repeated and Steve started laughing softly and Peggy followed him.

When she left his arms Steve was ready to explain everything to her, but Peggy had other plans. She got hold of the back of his neck with both of her hands and pulled him into a kiss. Steve was surprised at first, but quickly he kissed her back putting his hands on her waist. The kiss was so intense and full of emotions they had not shared with each other yet, but they both knew they were there.

After some seconds they both pulled away and looked at each other's eyes.

" H-how?" Peggy asked not believing that her love was right in front of her.

" It's.. It's a long story and I swear I'm going to explain everything to you.. But.. Right now I just want to stay here with you for a while.. I.. You cannot believe how much I missed you.." Steve said honestly. He just wanted a quiet moment with her before he was going to tell her about the whole future and time travel thing.

" Oh.. Yes.. Yes, I want that too.. I.. Thought I lost you.. " she said and their foreheads touched.

" Me too.. But I'm here and that's all that matters.." he said pulling her into his chest while he rested his chin on her head.

" Yeah.. That's all that matters.. " she muttered in his chest and those were the last words they said to each other for the next 20 minutes. They just stood there, not caring about the cold. Just feeling each other, finally resting from their loss of one another.

They had everything once again.. They were together.. And that was all that mattered.

[talix18]

November 4

If I could go back in time and tell myself anything useful, #1 would be for gods sake please keep up with guitar lessons. #2 would be something about considering carefully the fact that you're going to live out a few more decades; continuing to blow up relationships will have you living them out mostly alone. #3 would be Absolutely Fill Out the Rhodes Scholarship application, idiot. I know you don't know yet that you want to travel but I promise that the experience you would have going to school overseas would be more than worth putting up with the weather. It's a problem that opportunity arises for some people when they're too young to appreciate it – at least it was a problem for me. So play guitar, sing, write, do all those things in front of people because it can just be fun, you know. Go to school far away. Sit still and let someone love you.

Because there is a distinct possibility that you will never meet someone who you know is The One. I'm pretty sure I thought I'd met The One two or three times. Nobody is going to fit all of your edges without rubbing uncomfortably in a few areas, whether it's their tendency to cut their hair too short or their inability to take on housekeeping duties when you're laid up or their families not being people you'd choose to hang out with. It's nice to have someone to hang out in sweatpants with; it's nice to have someone around who makes you laugh. Love is just as much about action as it is about emotion. It's not just something that happens to you; it's also something that you do.

But the reality is that I did meet someone I had those heart-flips over. We had that connection I'd always hoped to find. And life got in the way. He wasn't willing to make the changes he needed to in order to be with me and I wasn't willing to wait anymore. And I had the one that I was crazy about who just wasn't as crazy about me, and the one that I thought was the Universe actually working in my favor until the long-distance of it all got too much. Maybe I've had my chances.

I just want a life where I can honestly say “I wouldn't change a single second because it got me here.” Is that so much to ask?

Is it terrible if I don't eat anything except cauliflower crust veggie pizza? I mean, if I'm not overdoing the cheese and the veggies are fresh and the sauce doesn't have sugar in it – there's no reason that it's a “bad” idea, is there?

Saturday night I was at a meeting where a friend was celebrating nine years clean. She is hilarious and outgoing and incredibly smart, and she honestly believes that all Muslims are taught to throw acid in the faces of their women. This baffles me. I have this other friend – she's Jewish and also incredibly smart, and helped vote in the current administration because she's anti-reproductive rights. The administration that normalized being a Nazi in the 21st century. I just don't get it. And this is always going to limit the extent to which I'm going to trust someone – if you fundamentally believe that some humans are less deserving of compassion and dignity and self-determination, then I have to wonder what's going to happen if I fall into one of your less deserving categories.

Anyway, what I'm learning is that my mental health depends on being around people – on being part of a community – and I need to tell the truth about myself in safe places. So I'm at a meeting Saturday sharing about how my depression manifests, the specific example being that for most of the almost 15 years I've lived in this house, there has been a dresser drawer on my bedroom floor. It hasn't always been the same drawer – I've fixed at least two or three rails in the time I've owned these IKEA dressers. And it is entirely likely that I wouldn't have this problem if I didn't stuff the drawers beyond their recommended capacity. The point is that this is how I live: walking around the drawer on the floor. I am not going to consider my shit together until there are no drawers on the bedroom floor.

After the meeting, the woman next to me, who is a successful married adult with grown children, leaned over and said “I've never felt so close to you.” And that's what it's about, gang. Those moments when we tell the truth about how we live and other people recognize themselves in it. It's scary sometimes but, for me, it's necessary. And when I have more than one broken dresser drawer, I can ask for help getting rid of the things I don't need and taking the broken things to the dump. Then I can buy a new piece of clothing storage furniture, probably from IKEA, because I'm not made of money, and this one doesn't have drawers.

Last night I drove two hours to Philadelphia to see Fleetwood('s Heartbreakers House) Mac. You have to understand what Stevie Nicks means to me. Yes, I loved “Dreams” when I heard it the first time in someone's apartment in fifth grade where I was playing some version on Spin the Bottle for the first time. (Billy Schoonmaker, where are you now?) I loved the White Winged Dove song that I didn't know the name of until I saw a song I'd never heard of by Stevie on a jukebox and played it. And I remember a cartoon of someone literally dragging a heart behind them that was in the junior high newspaper. But The Moment I got it was when my mother's second husband, who played bass in an actual, playing out band, brought home Stevie's first solo album. I remember seeing her on the cover with white roses and gauzy clothes and a crystal ball and a tambourine and thinking “you mean life can look like that all the time?” My experience of gauzy clothes and crystal balls was limited to the Renaissance Festival that came to town every summer. I don't know why I took that album cover so literally – she could have been dressed that way specifically for those pictures – but in that moment I had permission to make my life look any way I wanted it to.

So Stevie, and by association Fleetwood Mac, have been part of my soul for most of my life, and I've been lucky enough to have seen her solo and with them several times. (Not on the Wild Heart tour, though! Not when Joe Walsh was her opener and Mom refused to sit through him and I was too young to go by myself. [Learning later that Stevie considers Joe the lost love of her life just makes it easier to carry that grudge.]) I've seen them minus Lindsay plus Billy Burnette & Rick Vito, with Lindsay Buckingham but minus Christine McVie (sorry I'm not sorry this is my preferred line-up), and now minus Lindsay plus Mike Campbell and Neil Finn.

I saw them in April and had All The Emotions. All of them. There were the general Stevie emotions, of course. Then there were the Tom Petty emotions, because I'd seen Campbell with Petty and the Heartbreakers the previous summer, on that last tour. Thank god. I don't even know what made me decide to go – I didn't take pictures or buy a shirt like I almost always do – but I was there, and then Tom died. And now Stevie, who adored him, and Mike, who was his musical partner, were on stage together without him.

Then there's Neil Finn, who was? Is? The frontman for Crowded House, who I also love. But more importantly, he was one of the favorites of my friend Andrea, who died of cancer far too young, who lived in Seattle and I made it a point to fly out for her 40th birthday. Who I flew out to sit in the hospital with in the last weeks of her life. Who I met on the Internet of all the ridiculousness, along with an entire group of Webpeeps who I've been lucky enough to ride roller coasters, celebrate weddings, and baptize babies with. Andrea loved Split Enz and Crowded House and made me listen to their catalog beyond “Something So Strong” and “Better Be Home Soon” and find the pop perfection there. There he was, sounding like he was doing Fleetwood Mac karaoke but also sounding like someone I love who is gone.

Not to mention the whole Stevie and Lindsay and will he ever be able to sing again after his throat was injured after his heart surgery and what the hell happened that Stevie decided this was finally a bridge too far to cross with him after everything else they've worked through. I love Stevie but not blindly, and I see Fleetwood Mac touring without two of their three main songwriters but not without her.

All. The. Emotions.

And I went with my grown adopted niece and Stevie sang about children getting older and I was weeping, as I do.

I had decided against buying a shirt, figuring I could make a more rational decision about what I wanted the next day and get it online. And learned to my horror that no, I couldn't, and then the crazy started. The crazy that said “Look! They're going to be in Philly Friday. Get a ticket to that show and buy what you want there. And if you go alone, you can get a more expensive single seat on Mike Campbell's side of the stage and be In It.” I don't remember how long I thought about it. I do know I ran it past my sister, who said she'd done equally as outrageous things, which gave me permission. My sister is one of the sanest people I know and is one of the lines I can never color outside of.

So I bought that Mike Campbell section ticket and reserved a place on the parking lot and vibrated through half a day at work looking forward to it. Until I happened to see something about them canceling the Boston show the night before and looked further and saw that the Philly show had to be postponed due a band member's illness. I was disproportionately devastated. Which is a thing with both addiction and depression – responding to things out of proportion with their actual importance. That disappointment led to a pretty steep downward spiral during which I actually called my sponsor and allowed her to talk me through the insanity maze.

It is recommended that one have a sponsor one trusts and get in the habit of talking to them regularly so that muscle will be exercised when you're feeling crazy or like using or whatever it may be. This is not my way. My traditional way of being a sponsee was crawling through whatever on my own and calling my sponsor to tell her about it afterward, and getting together with her just long enough to work whatever my next step was before my anniversary. Then my very smart Buddhist sponsor with 20 years clean relapsed, and everything changed.

[sanversinsane]

Perfect.