#like babe. they got you some funny socks. i got you a chocolate bar. this is not a fucking guilt trip

[myrtaceaae]

One thing about talking to my old housemate the other day reminded me of what a mess my other housemate was

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

A WISE ADVICE

Prompt: When Finn flirts with Sasha Banks on Monday Night Raw,his return home to his girlfriend Y/N ends up with him meeting a side to her he didn’t knew existed,a broken bed and a nosy demon king!

Word count: I write most of my stuff in my phone so I don’t know,but long-ish

Pairing: Finn x Reader x Bálor

Warnings:+18 smut,cursing,wax play,bondage(limbs restriction),slight female degradation,jealousy and some broken furniture!Hahahaha

Notes: Ok,so this is my first Finn Bálor fanfic(be nice please?And give me some feedback if you’d like)as I always say,english isn’t my first language,so sorry for misspellings,you can always find my latest story as a fixed post on my page and you can find all of my stories typing “masochist writes” on the search bar on my page and last but certainly not least the only excuse I have for writing this is that I love the man and I love kinky shit,so enjoy 😏

My grandfather was a wise man.I loved the funny stories he used to tell me and my brother when we were younger.Stories about his old loverboy days,and how he would always get in trouble for flirting with the girls of his neighborhood! And one thing my grandpa always used to say to my brother was: “Son,the thing you must fear the most in your life it’s the fury of a woman!Don’t fear the thief,don’t fear death,but do fear the fury of a raging woman!Even more if you were the one who incited such rage!”And he laughed while he finished his cigar.

I never understood why he said that to my brother..until now!

I was sitting on my bed,just trying to process what my eyes had witnessed.My mind was racing,my blood boiling and I knew that if looks could kill he would be dead already (even through the damn TV).

I had not just seen MY boyfriend,just SHAMELESSLY flirt with Sasha Banks! And don’t even try to say “oh please,don’t be so dramatic! It’s scripted you know?!” ‘Cuz I ain’t buying that shit! We’ve been together for 4 years now and trust me honey,if anyone knows THAT look that someone is me.You know why?Because he gives me the SAME ONE FOR PRECISELY 4 YEARS NOW!

The fucker had the audacity! I’m so furious I could just strangle him to death with my bare hands,and yes,through the damn TV. But if he thinks I’m gonna let this slip through he has another thing coming...And when he receive his punishment for being such a naughty little boy,he’s gonna wish somebody would have warned him about the deadly fury of a woman.

As soon as I finished hiding my last item,I heard the front door open *let the games begin* I devilishly thought to myself.

“Y/N? Love are ya upstairs?” That voice,the voice of the traitor,just served to make me even more angry!But if I wanted this to work out as I planned I had to play it cool.So I just pushed the anger down my throat and put it a beautiful sheepishly smile upon my lips and answered “Yes love,I’m in the bedroom.” *this is going to be fun* I thought to myself.

A few seconds later I heard the bedroom door open “Oh there ya are! I thought ya were going to be downstairs,waiting for me like ya always do” He said. I slowly turned to face him and said as innocently as I could “Yeah I was but, I thought you would have another thing in mind so I figured it would be better if I just waited here for you instead.” As I proceeded to bat my lashes and strip my clothes off in front of him.

“Oh love”He licked his lips slowly “Ya have no idea what you’ve had just started!”

“Oh Sir,I think I do..the real question is” I closed the distance between us and slowly pushed him down onto the bed “Are YOU ready for what YOU had started?” As soon as his body collided with the mattress I quickly handcuffed both of his wrists to the headboard.

“What the fuck? Y/N,what is this?”

I silently went to the foot of the bed and begin to take off his Vans and socks.

“Babe,what are ya doing?Y/N? Talk to me damn it!”

I just looked at him chuckling while I grabbed a rope so I could tie his ankles to the bed as well.

“Love,you’re starting to scare me here...please talk to me,what’s going on?” He pleaded

I kneeled between his legs to undo his belt while I whistle a little tune.

“For fuck sake Y/N! Ya look like a fucking psycho right now,just say something please!” He begged and I stopped right when I was about to push his pants down.

“Do you think that I look like a psycho?Funny tho,how earlier you didn’t thought that...actually,you thought that you could take me for granted right?You thought that I would wait for you at the door like a good girl should,you thought that you could flirt with your female co-worker on national TV and I would just wait for you here...” I grabbed a handful of his semi-hard bulge and squeezed just enough so he could feel the slight pain. “Like a little well trained pet.” I proceeded to squeeze harder until he gasped.

“Y/N” my name was a faint whisper leaving his lips. “Please baby,you’re hurting me.”

“I’m hurting you?” I huffed as I slowly let the deadly grip on his bulge fade “What about you hurting me huh?What about my feelings Finn?What about the fact that you made me embarrassed on national TV! How can I get out on the street now with people knowing that we date and still you were deliberately flirting with another woman?” I slightly pinched his bulge just to make my point clear.

“Ouch,fuck! I’m sorry babe! I really didn’t meant it! I just got carried away with the plot that’s it! You know I love you dearly,and the only woman who gets me heads over heels for it’s you. I even bought you some roses and chocolates as a white flag sign,since I realized I fucked up..” I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and saw nothing more than love and regret. “Where are they?”

“They?”

“Yeah,the roses and the chocolates?”

“They’re on the dinner table”

I got up from the bed and made my way towards the bedroom door. “I’ll be right back.”

I went down the stairs,entered the dining room and I saw the most beautiful bouquet of red roses I’ve ever seen,and the little heart shaped chocolates,my favorite ones! I ran to the kitchen to get a vase with water to put the roses in it.When I placed the beautiful bouquet inside of it I saw the little card attached on the outside,beautifully hand written “My lovely lass,I know I got a little carried away with my character tonight,but I tell you with all my heart it meant nothing! You’re the only woman I’ll EVER need in my life!You’re my EVERYTHING! Love ya... yours always and forever.Finn”

“Argh Y/N what did you do?! Well I can still make this pleasurable for him,somehow..” I whispered to myself and ran back upstairs.

“Oh thank God! I thought ya were gonna leave me tied up here the whole night!” He giggled “Did ya find it?”

“Yes I did..”

“I meant it what I said in the card ya know...”

“Yeah I know Finn..”

After a few minutes passed by and when I didn’t move to set him free,he asked

“So?”

“So what?”

A briefly confused look passed by his face when he said

“Aren’t ya gonna let me go?”

“Why would I?” I kinda chuckled

“Well,because ya kno-“ I cut him of by saying

“Don’t you think you still need a little reminder to not do that anymore?”

“What do ya mean?”

I slowly crawled on the bed to assume the position I was on minutes ago.

“Oh you know” I said as I lightly tapped his hips so I could remove his pants and boxer briefs “I think you need that little warning slap on the hand,so you don’t be a naughty boy and don’t do that shit ever again”

I smiled as I grabbed the pair of scissors from under my pillow and cut off his shirt so I could leave him in his naked glory,and at my mercy.

“Oh my,aren’t you a beautiful sight?!”

I straddle his hips and leaned down to kiss him,as soon as our tongues met I traveled my hands down his neck,arms,chest and abs in an agonizing slow pace.

“Y/N baby”

“Yeah?”

“I need to touch ya,please open the cuffs so I can touch ya”

“Oh Finny,don’t make me laugh love! Naughty boys don’t get to touch anything!” I chuckled lightly

“No,please” he whined “Baby please,don’t do this to me!Just let me touch ya,I need ya...I want to touch your pussy baby,please?Let me make it up to ya?Let me make ya feel good”He pleaded

“You know what?You’re talking too much! What do you say about we keep that pretty little mouth busy huh?”

Without letting him answer I let one of my breasts hover upon his lips and he eagerly

took it on his mouth,sucking and licking my nipple to the point he had me whining.

“Oh Finn,fuck baby” His gaze was glued to my face “You’re so good,so fucking good,such a good boy” as soon as those words left my mouth he smirked at me,with my nipple still on his mouth,and I could swear I had just came with that vision alone.

He moved to the other nipple to give the same attention he gave the other one,and I just needed some sort of friction!So I took advantage of his now full on hard dick pressed against his stomach and the wetness that was leaking down my thighs and I slided down his abs just slightly so I could meet his cock and when I did,I released my nipple from his mouth and started to slide his erection through my folds.

“Oh fuck woman,you’re going to be the death of me!” He moaned closing his eyes tightly.

I took the opportunity to reach for the candle that was lit on the nightstand and spilt some of the hot wax onto his chest while I was still sliding on him.

“Oh fuck you!” He angrily said through gritted teeth

“Oh I’m about to sweetheart” and with that I lift my hips so I could angle him with my entrance and asked “Who does this cock belongs to baby?”

“You,you,it belongs to ya!Now just fucking ride me would ya??!!” He said desperately

“Ah,no no no!” I said as I dripped more hot wax,but this time on his nipples “Politely please!”

His eyes were so dark with lust and his voice so deep that I could swear that I had awoken some sort of demon within him.

“This cock is yours and yours only lass. It’s yours for you to suck,fuck,ride anytime or anyplace you’d like. It belongs inside your mouth,inside your ass,inside you pussy or wherever you want. It’s yours for you to do with it whatever you please!” With that I sheepishly smiled,and sunked my hips with his at the same time I dripped a few more drops of hot wax onto his pubic bone.

“Oh my fucking God!” He rolled his eyes to the back of his head and let out a growl that sounded almost inhuman.

I was giving myself sometime to focus,just so that I wouldn’t cum. When I heard a very deep voice come out of Finn’s lips and say

“You better start to fucking ride my cock right now princess and you better make sure you ride it hard and deep,or else I’m gonna break this fucking cuffs off and you will regret this little act of yours”

“Bálor” I whispered

He just smirked and whispered back “You’ve got three seconds to start riding me. One,two...” With his lead I started to ride him like a mad woman.

“Yes...my beautiful,sweet princess.Harder!” I moved faster

“I said harder!” I moved even faster

“Are ya fucking deaf? I told ya to ride.me.HARDER!” He gritted

“Bálor, I- I can’t,this is the fastest I can go” I said with my legs already becoming sore from the pace I was trying to keep.

“Oh my sweet princess” He started to laugh uncontrollably

“What’s so funny?”

“You are!” He said through deep laughs “You try so hard to be a brat,but you’ve got zero capacity for it! Look at ya! Look how pitiful you are! Can’t even fucking ride a cock properly! He started to laugh harder “Now I know why Finn loves ya...ya are so amusingly funny!” He concludes his sentence with a laugh,and I had know idea where the anger that took control of me came from but I started to hatefully ride his cock and drip the hot wax all over his body:his neck,chest,forearm,biceps,nipples,abs,v line,close to his belly button.

“Argh” He roared “That’s what I’m talking about! Yes,just like that,so fucking good. So insanely good.”

His eyes were glued on me and I couldn’t help but drip some of the hot wax onto my own body. And the sight made him growl.

“Yes kitten!Oh fuck,you’re gonna make me cum,you’re gonna make me cum so fucking hard” his eyes grew even darker “I knew I could pull that little brat out,she just needed the right words,right love?!” He chuckled and I could feel my walls tightening and my orgasm buildup like a volcano

“Bálor, I’m gonna- I need...”

“Go on kitten,let it go” And with that I came as hard as I’ve ever had,just to feel Bálor starting to cum as well,cursing in Gaelic.

As he continued to cum, I saw his eyes slowly changing back to the beautiful ocean blue I loved, and my Finn returning to the surface with a long moan as the final spasms of his orgasm hit him.

“What the fuck just happened?” He asked,out of breath and mesmerized

“I think we just broke the bed”. I said

“What?” He chuckled

“No Finn, I’m serious!”

He stopped laughing,staring at the view of our mattress on the floor and his limbs freed from the cuffs and ropes.

“Well,that’s gotta be a good sign,don’t ya think?” He started laughing hard when the only thing I could do was bluntly stare at him.

That couldn’t be a bad sign,could it?

[hvndcvffed]

s u r v e y  :    g r i z z    v i s s e r .

he slides it into the submission box late, because he kept lending people his only pen. whoops.

basic information

FULL NAME: gareth paul visser PRONUNCIATION: GAH-reth VISS-er MEANING: gentle. REASONING: his parents named their son after the most important trait they wanted to nurture in him: kindness. his middle name is paul after his paternal grandfather. NICKNAME(S): gareth paul ( only his mother, when she’s angry ), grizz, grizzy, grizzly bear / grizzy bear ( parents ), kiddo ( his dad ) visser, bear ( blue ),  jizz ( unwarranted, miles ), babe ( tess, retired ) PREFERRED NAME(S): grizz. don’t call him gareth, please. he’ll just... smile uncomfortably and act like it doesn’t bother him, but it really does. BIRTH DATE: july 26, 2000. 3:23am. during a rainstorm. AGE: 18. ZODIAC: leo. GENDER: cismale. PRONOUNS:  he/him. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: demiromantic ( sexual attraction stems from emotional connection. ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  homosexual ( closeted ) NATIONALITY: american. ETHNICITY: american very far back. dutch and polish ancestry.

background

BIRTH PLACE: west ham, connecticut. HOMETOWN: west ham, connecticut. SOCIAL CLASS: upper. FATHER: keith visser. one of the lead police detectives on west ham’s police force. 48. jewish. avid outdoorsman, and can often be found hiking, kayaking, or rock climbing on the weekends. has a habit of cleaning off lisa & grizz’s plates, if they leave behind some peas or mashed potatoes. snacks on leftovers for breakfast, but can make a mean frittata. the secret’s all in making sure you’ve got a super hot pan. cautious, mindful. grizz gets a lot of his serene disposition from his father. unaware of his son’s sexuality; still thinks he’ll wind up marrying tess, or maybe hannah, or even cassandra. gets a kick out of becca when she comes around the house, because she’s so little. calls her shortstack, but only when pancakes are around to make the pun stick. MOTHER: lisa “lees” visser. 46. editor-in-chief for the west ham chronicle. freelance landscaper / gardener on the weekends, for fulfillment more than the money. religious, catholic born-and-raised, but she now attends the unitarian church in town. the switch happened once she married keith and they reasoned they wanted their child to have a composite world-view, one they could interpret and internalize free from categorical restraint. very in touch with her emotions; likes facilitating family discussions. made the executive decision to pull grizz out of dance classes after one year of lessons, because her 4-year-old son donned a sparkly feather boa and she didn’t like what she saw. primarily motivated by maternal and protective instinct. wants what’s best for her son: safety. supported grizz’s relationship with tess through and through. mentions her from time to time, because she’s still unclear as to why they called it off. she wants grizz to be happy. tess made him happy. SIBLING(S): none. his parents never told him, but they lost a child in infancy about 2 years before they had him, and suffered a miscarriage when they tried for another child when he was 5. his parents don’t talk about it, and they see their lives as very full with just grizz. they considered adopting when he was around 8, but ultimately decided against it. one child fills their hearts plenty. they’ve practically adopted all his friends ( especially blue, becca, hannah, and tess ) as part of the family anyway. BIRTH ORDER: only child. PET(S): grew up with a tabby cat, doobie, who lived to be 14. as a kid, he always dreamed about having a pet kimodo dragon. gets a real kick out of chinchillas, but the visser family’s rarely home: they’re always out and about, going on hikes, exploring connecticut and the northeast. they travel often. so it wouldn’t be fair, having to leave any pet at home alone. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: his uncle james lives on the edge of town and works under peyton pellegrino’s dad in the fire department, so the families are close. they get together each year for christmas eve. his younger cousins live down by the sea in mystic, kipp ( age 4 ) & rebekah ( age 7 ). they facetime often, and the family makes annual trips to mystic seaport. they pile onto grizz’s back and have a blast running around the docks. PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: tess de luca ( freshman year - end of junior year ). ARRESTS?: none. but he does make frequent trips to the station to drop food off for his dad and his buds. PRISON TIME?: not unless you count the one time his dad played an april fools’ joke on him and placed him in a jail cell for 10 minutes for, “ bringing the wrong flavor cookies. the biggest crime of ‘em all, kiddo. ”

occupation & income

SOURCE OF INCOME: he works as a summer camp counselor at an adventure camp during school intersession, leading hikes & nature trips. during the school year, he’s too tied up with football to hold a job. he’s grateful that his parents are willing to help him out for major expenses, but he’s definitely the saving type, so most things he can cover on his own. he helps his neighbors out with taking care of pets & gardens as needed, so that’s a way to earn some fast cash. even though he always insists he can’t take their money. CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: yes! granted, working with phone-addicted kids in the wilderness can be difficult, but he’s thankful to get the breather from west ham. PAST JOB(S): he used to deliver papers on his bike, when he was younger, since his mom had the connection. SPENDING HABITS: frugal. more likely to spend on experience than material. MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: his dad’s collection of original-release vinyls by the beatles.

skills & abilities

TALENTS: writing, but he won’t admit it. football. wood-whittling. gardening. whistling. navigation. knot-tying. making sumptuous drip coffee. SHORTCOMINGS: sells himself short, a lot. his sexuality. can be impatient at times, when other people are slower to pick things up. will often take over getting something done ( i.e. a group project ) if he feels people aren’t doing it the most effective way. LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, french. a tad of latin. he wants to learn more hebrew, especially since he’s from a blended household, but that shit’s difficult and he never had time to enroll in hebrew school full-time as a kid. DRIVE?: yes. he has his own car, for ease of getting to/from games, etc. but prefers to ride his bike around town. JUMP-STAR A CAR?: yes. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: yes. his dad taught him how when they had to call aaa on their way home from hiking the adirondacks, a trip they gave him for his twelfth birthday. RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes. he goes everywhere on that thing. need a ride? hop on. SWIM?: yes. the visser household has a very nice in-ground pool, heated. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: not really. grizz appreciates music and loves listening to it, but never really learned how to make it himself. unless you count a year or two of required band in elementary school, during which he ( very badly ) played the clarinet. PLAY CHESS?: yeah. he played a lot with his maternal grandfather growing up. big glasses of chocolate milk, classic rock, and chess. BRAID HAIR?: yes. it’s all very simple, once you learn how to tie all the scouting knots. TIE A TIE?: so many. thank you, boy scouts of america. PICK A LOCK?: he’s read up on it, but never actually done it. the closest he’s gotten is cutting his own padlock off his camping locker during his 7th grade boy scouting trip to maryland, when he conveniently forgot the combination.

physical appearance & characteristics

FACE CLAIM: jack mulhern. EYE COLOR: hazel, a murky blend of gold and forest green. depending on the lighting, they look different: in bright sunlight, they look like a faded jade green. sometimes, when the room’s darker, they look more gold. reference.  HAIR COLOR: deep, russet brown.  HAIR TYPE/STYLE: jaw-length, straight with some wave to it. typically worn down, tucked behind one ear, or up in a tiny little man-bun. reference one. reference two. reference three. GLASSES/CONTACTS?: he’s blessed with 20/20 vision! but he’ll still try on your glasses, if it’ll make you laugh. there’s a photo of him on the visser fridge wearing his mom’s readers and holding a tray of fresh-baked cookies. he looks like a friendly neighborhood grandma. DOMINANT HAND: left-handed. but he’s worked for years to become ambidextrous for most tasks. he can’t brush his teeth with his right hand, though. it feels funny. HEIGHT: 6′2. WEIGHT: 158 lbs. BUILD: broad-shouldered. lean waist. chiseled core, strong legs. he’s got an athlete’s build for sure – he’s perhaps not as heavy as other guys on that football field, but it takes some serious force to knock him down. tall. but he kind of hunches, just slightly, to not take up so much space. EXERCISE HABITS: varsity football team. lots of morning and night runs. crunches, push-ups, pull-ups: he’s got one of those bars in his doorway. weight-lifting with the team. yoga, sometimes. SKIN TONE: light, but he spends a lot of time outdoors. no freckles. TATTOOS: none. but would love to get a walden quote, or a simple pine tree. someday. PEIRCINGS: none. but maybe once he gets to college he’ll get his ear pierced. MARKS/SCARS: some miscellaneous scars on his hands from whittling incidents growing up. a faint line across his arm from stitches, when he broke it in the peewee football league in fifth grade. he has a barely-there scar just to the right of his left ear, along his hairline, from a camping incident. NOTABLE FEATURES: his hair. his eyes. people have drunkenly said he’s got kissable lips. USUAL EXPRESSION: inquisitive, collected. he’s always thinking. CLOTHING STYLE: letterman jacket. jeans. tall socks, boots. pants tucked into socks, because why the hell not? flannels, hoodies, utility jackets layered over plain white tees. pendant necklaces, leather bracelets. occasionally he’ll wear a statement button-downs that looks like your grandmother’s upholstery, but somehow it’ll work really well. varsity t-shirts. hats of all varieties. if he could, he’d showcase some edgier styles. but he’s paranoid. he’s got a stanford hoodie buried in his closet. and a yale one, too. JEWELRY: leather bracelets. a silver ring strung on a chain, engraved with “ for sylvie, with love ”. he found it on a hike, and… figured he’d be sylvie for a day, or something like that. ALLERGIES: sulfur-based antibiotics. bullshit. idiocy. BODY TEMPERATURE: runs hotter than most. probably the first to offer you his jacket or sweater, if you look cold. DIET: grizz’s mom loves to cook, so they’re always trying some new paleo trend. some of it’s awful. but he’ll try to eat it and if he can’t, he’ll sneak a granola bar later. he’s bad at pretending disgusting shit tastes good. his nose will wriggle up involuntarily and he’ll sniffle. if the school’s serving smiley face fries, he’ll have those. he really likes green apples and those little clementines. cajun fries are some of the best things ever invented. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: nope. he’s quite able-bodied and he’ll use it as a way to take the burden off of his parents. grizz knows how to do most things around the house: fix a faucet, replace bulbs, work on pipes, etc. because his parents are getting older and he doesn’t want them to hurt themselves doing something he’d barely even break a sweat at. he’s always volunteering to help out his neighbors with heavy packages, retrieving their mail, tending their gardens, etc. it’s no hassle. so why not?

psychology

MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral good. he’s all for what’s morally right. sometimes laws and rules leave that out. TEMPERAMENT: melancholic. ( analytical, wise, peaceful. ) ELEMENT: water. MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: mild insomnia, sometimes. but he’ll usually just throw on some music and yield to it. guzzle a few redbulls the next day to keep alert for practice. SOCIABILITY: grizz is never the type to turn anyone away, but he does have a fear of compromising his one secret: so... if someone shows signs of seeing through him? he might distance himself a bit. but he’s often compared to glue that binds. he has a real capacity for leadership ( though he’ll never see himself that way ), and tends to be the driving force in maintaining healthy friendships and friend groups. he looks out for his friends. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: very stable. which is why when things go awry and he can’t rationalize his feelings, he gets... scared. vulnerable. PHOBIA(S): irrelevancy. being outed. loss. ADDICTION(S): good literature. DRUG USE: marijuana, but that’s it. ALCOHOL USE: what you’d expect from a popular jock. though he hesitates to think of himself as just a jock, because there’s so much more to his life than just football. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: no. grizz doesn’t believe in using violence to manipulate or express emotion. but he will punch someone if there’s no other way.

mannerisms

QUIRKS: rarely settles his gaze on anything for more than a few seconds, except for other peoples’ eyes. eye contact is probably one of grizz’s biggest conversational strengths. probably why he makes such a good liar, when he needs to. he’ll finish a pint of ice cream and just sit there for over an hour sucking on the spoon, lost in thought. licks his lips when he’s nervous. plays with his hair a lot. you know he’s anxious when he keeps tucking his hair behind his right ear. chuckles to himself, even when things are the pure opposite of funny. laughs quietly so the skies have to lean in to hear it. dog-ears pages of books; stencils in his thoughts. his bookshelf is a catalogue of interiority: so if he lets you borrow any of his well-loved copies ( becca, cassandra, tess ), you know you’ve got his trust. burns marshmallows, but it always seems like he’s waiting for the perfect brown before he lets the thing catch fire. sneaks peanut m&m’s into the house because his mom’s on another big health kick; he munches on them in the basement theater with his dad, mischief aplenty. stole HOBBIES: jotting notes in book margins. he dabbles in poetry but feels like his shit is too beat-generation to be that cool. wandering through the woods and attempting to generate his own maps, then checking them for accuracy. lighting matches in the cold, mid-evening air just to watch them burn. watching minimalist apartment tour videos. whispering poetry out loud to himself with his eyes closed, to feel the words shape his lips. HABITS: standing in front of the mirror and trying to let the word gay escape his lips without panic setting in. asking others how they are instead of answering when it’s asked of him. when he goes to bed later than his parents, he’ll peek in their doorway to make sure they’ve gotten into bed safe. setting up the french press before he leaves for his morning runs, so coffee’s ready for his parents when they wake up. bringing donuts to the station, just to make his dad’s coworkers laugh. getting drunk and tossing finger guns around like free candies. NERVOUS TICKS: pursing his lips. biting the inside of his cheek. rocking back and forth on his heels. avoiding eye contact. growing quieter than usual. choppy focus. leaving text messages unanswered for days on end. DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: make it to graduation and get out of west ham. live this lie a little longer. protect his friends. nurture his family. make sure his dad eats: he tends to forget, when he’s on duty. look after his teammates. keep everyone else grounded. FEARS: time. losing his family: too many people in this town have experienced that kind of loss for him to indulge in the illusion that he doesn’t run that risk. cassandra’s health might decline. when he comes out in college, people from home might hear. people might hate him. blue’s not really okay, and there’s nothing he can do about it. becca’s having a hard time, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. does he really think sam eliot could ever like him back? what if he made a mistake, breaking it off with tess? what if he doesn’t know himself as well as he used to? he’ll experience firsthand death someday. he’ll lose people, too. he’s so used to picking up everyone else’s pieces. how’s he supposed to do that if he’s the one bleeding? what if he can’t help people as much as they need him to? will his parents hate him for lying about yale? will they hate him for giving up on football to pursue literature & philosophy? fear. that one’s ironic. POSITIVE TRAITS: charismatic, introspective, pacific, quick-witted. NEGATIVE TRAITS: self-contained, reckless ( with himself ), careless ( with himself ). SENSE OF HUMOR: dry, witty. facetious, but never ill-intended. lots of eye rolls and light laughs. DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: ask his parents, they’ll say no. but hell yeah. CATCHPHRASE(S): uno. dos. tres.  & a bonus: “ what the fuck ? ” & “ i’m surrounded by idiots. ”

favorites

ACTIVITY: reading. writing. gardening. football. ANIMAL: fish. they’re so graceful and they don’t bother anybody. BEVERAGE: half-oreo half-chocolate milkshake. extra whipped cream. two cherries. please. BOOK: le petit prince by antoine de saint-exupéry. it was the last book his grandmother ever read to him, on his fifth christmas eve. he can recite the first and last lines by heart, in english and french. CELEBRITY: young johnny depp. emma watson. COLOR: a nice, deep forest green. he also likes burnt reds and browns. DESIGNER: i mean... he knows his way around adobe creative cloud? FOOD: cajun curly fries. ugh. FLOWER: there’s something really beautiful about forget-me-nots. his grandmother used to pick a few of them with him in her backyard. she was big on those kinds of things. and all those silly sayings like: tickle tickle on the knee. if you laugh, you don’t love me! grizz always faught so hard not to laugh. his toddler self would puff out his cheeks and hold his breath until the twenty-second window was up. GEM: any kind of geode. HOLIDAY: halloween. boo. MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: biking! MOVIE: mr. nobody. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the first time little grizz saw alice in wonderland, he wouldn’t shut up about it for two weeks MUSICAL ARTIST: the divine comedy, radiohead, pink floyd, the beatles, the rolling stones, the kooks. the avett brothers. belle & sebastian. he envies bowie, prince, and mercury for like... living their truths. QUOTE/SAYING: “ if you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. ” SCENERY: mountain ranges. the view from the top of difficult climbs. snow-dusted treetops. SCENT: the connecticut homesick candle. it smells like cinnamon and nutmeg and vanilla and fireside bliss. and pine trees. yum. SPORT: football. SPORTS TEAM: “ centurions on me! centurions on three! ” TELEVISION SHOW: he grew up watching wallace and gromit. he’s still got a soft spot for it. he also really likes travel channel specials. WEATHER: gentle rain. VACATION DESTINATION: he doesn’t know this, but his parents were planning a month-long backpacking trip through new zealand as his grad gift.

attitudes

GREATEST DREAM: live his truth, fearlessly. get to yale and just... be himself. whatever that means. GREATEST FEAR: people in west ham will find him out. he’s not ready. MOST AT EASE WHEN: he’s with tess. the visser family has relaxed nights in, or firepits in their backyard. when he’s neck-deep in a good book. reading dickinson. listening to the beatles. on the field, where none of his demons can touch him. LEAST AT EASE WHEN: people ask difficult questions, questions he doesn’t have the answer to. you’re gay, aren’t you? BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: his boy scout eagle scout award. he constructed and taught faculty how to maintain a sustainable farm-to-table garden at each of west ham’s three elementary schools. BIGGEST REGRET: not getting to know his grandmother more before she passed. not... telling blue the truth. telling himself the truth. breaking up with tess. he had to free her. but it still stings. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: he cried at endgame in theaters. jason hasn’t lived it down for weeks. BIGGEST SECRET: he’s gay. he thinks he’s gay. he’s... he’s not as self-assured as people think. not as strong. he committed to yale without telling a single soul, except cassandra. his parents still think he’ll be going to uconn or southern for hockey. TOP PRIORITIES: looking after his loved ones. making sure everyone’s okay. securing the centurions’ top season record. helping blue, somehow. how can he ease tess’s pain? get to graduation. get to graduation. leave west ham behind.