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relationshipanarchywithoutchaos · 5 years

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Review: A Geek's Guide to Unicorn Ranching: Advice for Couples Seeking Another Partner

I bought and read this book so that you don’t have to.

I'm going to preface this review with the disclaimer that I started reading this book actively wanting to hate it. The author* is the Facebook page admin for Poly.Land, which has some very cult-like tactics in its image posts, similar in style to scam pages such as David Wolfe, Vani Fari (the "Food Babe"), The Mind Unleashed and Free Thought Project. Most notably, the page is laced with universally agreeable tweets, tumblr posts and memes, some not even about ethical non-monogamy, interjected with the occasional privileged or problematic post about polyamory or swinging, sometimes with amatonormative or ableist perspectives.

Before I get started, allow me to clarify: while I and many others object to the principle strategies of "unicorn hunting" (or even "unicorn ranching", which makes it sound even more like animal husbandry than "hunting" does), the problematic issue of couples seeking a third is rarely the fault of the potential third (or "unicorn"). It is perfectly acceptable for an individual who understands the risks and dynamics to enter into an arrangement with one or both partners of an existing couple who finds them attractive. The problems are almost always from the misunderstanding of the unbalanced power dynamic the existing couple places on their targets, most often due to ignorance, greed, or socially-ingrained conceptions of the importance of the relationship over the members of the relationship as marketed by the western matrimanial society.

This book is a very short read: 73 pages, in large font, with a few appendixes for sample relationship agreements. The paperback is only 1/4" thick. I started it while waiting for a flight to take off and finished it before we reached cruising altitude.

The book is divided into "lessons" rather than chapters, none of them particularly long. The first ten chapters run as basically a Polyamory 101, or maybe even a "Pre-Polyamory" class. The chapters cover things like getting your existing relationship in order prior to opening up, different types of arrangements (vee vs. triad vs. square, etc), the basics of hierarchy, what a metamour is, all the basic stuff.

The only slightly geeky things in the book are a shout-out to the Ferengi meme ("FEMALES") and some minor stuff about math. The author later describes themselves as the geek; but the title aims to target geeks, and there seems to be no good reason jocks, nerds, goths, or preppies couldn't benefit from the information within.

There is good advice in the book. The idea of dating separately is explicitly floated, and I was glad to see it. The idea of a triad not being one relationship, but four or more possible relationships, is also included. Eschewing exclusivity, and looking for partners who are already part of other relationships and arrangements, is also mentioned. Being as "out" as safely possible is recommended for the emotional well-being of all participants. The "love us both equally" requirement is talked about as one set for failure. There is an acknowledgement that unicorn hunting is often looked at poorly by the greater community, and that it's a rookie tactic that many couples take. While introducing the unicorn as most likely to be a bisexual woman willing to entertain a relationship with a man/woman couple, the rest of the book uses gender-inclusive language.

But there are some major problematic issues in the book which raise red flags. More than once, the book talks about hierarchy and veto power as an option, but never once talks about the ethical implications. The words "couple privilege" never once appear. The descriptions of boundaries, and the appendices of relationship agreements, read more like rules than boundaries or agreements, and it's not talked about why that's a problem, how to amend agreements, and how to avoid building resentment. The recommendation is to be low-key and discreet at first, which can unfortunately encourage bad behaviors and abuse. How to deal with one's own children in this situation is never mentioned. Basic discussions about consent and the sense of a high need for emotional work and emotional intelligence is also lacking, and those are the things that unicorn hunting couples need the most. Jealousy and insecurity, as well as how to mitigate them, go undiscussed.

There's also a some statements of privilege. Recommending that a couple get their financial affairs in order before opening up and making plans for couples therapy are not particularly inclusive, as it suggests that only the financially stable and the mentally supported can join in on the fun. Intersectionality is mostly absent.

Only on the last lesson, "Proper Care and Feeding of Unicorns", is there a discussion about what it's like to be in a triad with someone who wasn't in the arrangement from the beginning, and only barely so; the lesson brings the conversation back to the individuals in the original couple.

The "additional readings" list Sex at Dawn, Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator (shoutout to my friend Amy Gahran), The Ethical Slut, and some other books not related to polyamory (e.g., books on communication and self-actualization). While I don't fault the author for not listing More Than Two among their additional readings, given recent developments, it seems like a blatant snub of the work that Eve Rickert put into the work, particularly given how comprehensive and universal the language of MTT was (even for exclusively monogamous couples). Not including Tristan Taormino's Opening Up or Elizabeth Sheff's The Polyamorists Next Door, however, seem like egregious errors in judgement and I wonder what the story behind that is.

A section of one lesson is dedicated to "don't bait and switch", e.g., being honest about being part of a couple and, if relevant, that you're looking for someone to join the existing arrangement. And yet, since there's very little here about the ethics of triad-seeking (or lack thereof), the book itself feels like a bait-and-switch. Maybe that's a good thing. After all, unicorns-r-us.com and freesexworkers.com do the exact same thing.

Unlike most books on the subject, this one references very few personal experiences/case studies, and no negative ones. The author's main argument that unicorns exist and are available, mentioned in the beginning, was that the author has had positive experiences as a unicorn. At no point is it ever stated that unicorn hunting is problematic. At the end, there's an assurance from the author that with the right kind of practice within one's an existing relationship(s), the right person will eventually join the ranch. I feel this is optimism is both dangerous and unwarranted; just going off of several Facebook and FetLife groups on the subject, any given community is filled with thousands of couples who try and fail for years or decades to find "their unicorn", tens of thousands of people who want couples to leave them the fuck alone and/or are angry about them invading queer spaces, and only a handful of unicorns willing to consider joining an existing couple's dynamic for free. Were I reading this from unicorn-seeking perspective, I would have liked to have seen testaments and stories of couples who were successfully open up and form a triad, and how they did it. The absence of these stories is telling.

So, like, I didn't hate it, but I can't recommend it. There are other books where you can spend a few extra dollars and receive significantly more information on the relevant subjects, as well as better guidance about the kind of emotional work one needs to do in order to eschew monogamy (A Geek's Guide is $8; Opening Up is $15, and The Ethical Slut is $18, both of which are way more than double in AGG in length). Some even contain workbook questions to think about individually, or with a partner. I think that if a couple read this book, and made no other efforts to read other works or join discussions online with experienced individuals, they would likely be set up for failure. The author puts all of the scary possibilities up front, which is probably a good thing if it actually makes couples do additional research, but not if it turns them off on the prospect of discovering more about it and just going off on their own, none-the-wiser.

* The author, Page Turner, notes themselves in the back as a polyamory, kink and sex councilor and coach. I do not dispute this, and I know people who have seen them talk at events on those subjects with expertise.

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itsiotrecords-blog · 7 years

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They have the whole package– money, fame, and beauty. They seem unapproachable and distant because they seemingly belong to another universe to which we are not granted access. The celebrities sell not only their professional skills, but also their own image. How many times did stars do something just for publicity’s sake? As long as the people from the magazines, TV screens and the YouTube videos are representing them positively, the sale is going well; and even if the feature is negative, any news is good news (it’s when they stop talking about you that you have a problem). That’s why everything that can tarnish the luster of their glamor is kept strictly confidential (same as any of us would do in all honesty). We think celebrities are flying above the social norms and trivialities. However, human as they are, nothing human is alien to them and now and then their dirty little secrets are made public. From secret love affairs and weird sexual fantasies to addiction problems and unusual obsessions, fears and personal hygienic habits– our beloved stars have them all. The famous folks might have thought their secrets would follow them to their graves, but forgot that eventually the truth has to come out. And we have it right here.

#1 Shaquille O’Neal’s Thirst For Blood Having a fetish is not something one should be ashamed of– after all, if consented and not harmful, no practice in the bedroom should be considered vulgar or inappropriate; to each his own, right? Yet, Shaq’s fetish makes him the last person you’ll be willing to share your drink with because the guy uses his mouth for the strangest thing. Some years ago, his former wife, Vanessa Lopez, filed a suit against him claiming “invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress”. During the trial sessions, Lopez revealed some disturbing intimate facts about the legendary basketball player. When asked if Shaq had any sexual hang-ups, she said that he’d often perform oral on her while she was on her period. Actually, this is a clinical condition which is called menophilia and is characterized by getting sexually aroused by menstrual blood. The fetish-lovers brotherhood, however, don’t care for the Latin name and call Shaq’s drive simply “bloodhounding”.

#2 Russell Brand’s Secret Box Of DVDs If you thought Shaq’s fetish was weird, check out what Russell Brand does for fun when he is alone at home. The eccentric Brit’s looks and reckless behavior would suggest that he is into kinky stuff. After his break-up with Katy Perry, she went to his place to collect some of her belongings and found a box full of unlabeled DVDs. Katy couldn’t resist the temptation and played some of them. What she saw made her eyes pop out of her head. On the home-made videos, Russell was doing what is called “air sex”– fully clothed, he was heavily pounding an invisible partner. This might seem quite an improbable way of satisfying oneself, but it’s actually a thing, which originated and was first documented in Japan. All in all, it’s like playing an air guitar, only with more moaning and more wriggling involved.

#3 Denise Richards’ Girl-On-Girl Experience Most people are used to thinking that lesbianism is monopolized by robust, masculinized ladies who dress in baggy jeans and know how to use a jigsaw and change a tire. Stereotypes, however, are not what they used to be. Especially the ones linked to naughty preferences and practices! Just look at this drop dead gorgeous beauty, Denise Richards! It’s true that her divorce with Charlie Sheen in 2006 attracted more attention and inspired more headlines than her film roles, but although ten years have passed since then, she keeps on surprising us with curious facts about her intimate life. If you have read her memoir The Real Girl Next Door (which became a New York Times Best Seller!), then it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that she has had a homoerotic experience. It was during an interview with the infamous radio host Howard Stern that she kind of came out, confessing that “a long time ago” she met this woman through friends, and she felt… curious. They were both curious, in fact. She was reluctant to reveal the name of the person, but what is known is that she is also pretty famous and is, in Richards’ own words, “a beautiful girly girl.”

#4 Sandra Bullock’s Foul Face Care Treatment When it comes to maintaining their seemingly ageless beauty, many Hollywood female stars subject themselves to all sorts of absurdly alternative beautifying procedures. Some of them are very expensive, yet effective if we judge by the appearance of the Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher. She regularly takes… wine baths. Others are weird, mildly put, like Demi Moore’s method of detoxing– she lets leeches suck her blood. But what Sandra Bullock does beats them all. Miss Congeniality applies hemorrhoid cream on her face because she believes it makes her skin glow. The other effect of the product is that, when applied under the eyes, it decreases inflammation. In other words, the cream, which is in fact a vasoconstrictor, is supposed to reduce puffiness. Actually, it makes a lot of sense, since hemorrhoids are… well… puffy.

#5 Martha Stewart’s Naughty Texting… And Other Things What can be more shocking than catching a whole nation’s, 71-year old domestic goddess in “inappropriate for her age and social status” conduct? Probably only Kim Kardashian becoming a nun. But, of course, there’s nothing inappropriate about a woman, no matter her age or occupation, participating in some Internet dating, as Martha Stewart confessed some time ago. But, if checking hot guys’ profiles still sounds too innocent to be on this list, how about imagining this hugely successful business woman engaging herself in a threesome and sexting with strangers? She must have been really bored living in that 35,000-square-foot residence on Mount Desert Island to take on alternative forms of entertainment. We don’t know how much of the rumors about her romantic life are true, but she herself has reluctantly disclosed that her intensive sexting once led to an actual one-night stand. Good for you, Martha! You give hope to all women who fear there is no fun time after menopause!

#6 Brad Pitt’s Bad Odor Routine His fellow actors and his closest friends always know, without a shade of a doubt, when Brad Pitt was somewhere before them. The stank he leaves behind is so unbearable that the guy’s armpits should be declared weapons of mass distraction. Reliable sources claim that one of the most desirable men on the planet completely stopped using deodorant and soap years ago. Some blame it on the fact that Brad Pitt has become all green, so instead of all those cosmetic products that damage the environment, he uses a natural portion of lemon, water and apple cider vinegar to get rid of the repelling smell of perspiration off his body. It obviously doesn’t work effectively, as many complain about the smell coming from him. Not long ago, his Inglourious Basterds co-star Eli Roth shared some inside the set info, “When he was sweating and didn’t have time to shower, he’d just take a baby wipe and rub his armpits with it.” Our advice: Do it more often, Brad! A wipe now and then won’t harm a forest!

#7 Scarlett Johansson’s Back Seat Fantasy This classy hotness surely appears in millions of men’s dreams. Now, her male fans from around the world have been given another incentive to further improve the quality of their dreams featuring the 32-year-old actress and model. Johansson has recently disclosed that her greatest turn-on is doing it in the back seat of a car. “To me, having sex in a car is sexy, and if I have to think of doing something kinky and crazy, I’ll definitely go for the back seat.” That’s it, people, the mystery’s revealed, and if you get lucky to be around Scarlett one day, do not try to seduce her with expensive jewelry, or fancy meals and wines. Just offer to give her a ride in your car! And who knows? You may get lucky.

#8 Keith Richards’ Weird Act Of Remembrance To His Dad Nobody who started their career in the music business in the 1960s, and I mean nobody, has remained untouched by the glorious days of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. This is especially valid for the musicians of the legendary rock bands, most of whom have admitted to having consumed all kinds of substances in their time. But none of those are as bizarre as the one Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones is said to have sampled. In 2007, NME magazine revealed that the 72-year-old guitarist once mixed his father’s ashes with cocaine and snorted… him. The veteran of drug marathons is convinced that his father wouldn’t have objected at all, and adds that “he went down pretty well.” Years later, Richards now realizes that being still alive after decades of drug and alcohol abuse is pure luck, and he advises others not to follow in his steps. And definitely to abstain from snorting their parents!

#9 Matthew McConaughey’s Food Fetish Food can be hot not only smeared all over the body of your naked girlfriend who is waiting for you to eat her up. The 47-year-old Oscar winning actor sometimes has to stop eating because he enjoys food so much that he literally becomes aroused. If you wonder how he maintains this super fit slender body of his given that he likes eating that much, the answer is simple– the guy prefers to go hungry than to get turned on. Just imagine how embarrassing it must feel being in a fancy restaurant and get a huge boner over a dish of lobster tails with garlic and chili butter! The actor himself once said to Britain’s InStyle Magazine that when he savors something that feels good on his palate, he gets tingles down his spine which can be so forceful that he needs to stop eating if he doesn’t want to lose himself in blissful ecstasy. Another fetish the star admits to have is the smell of suntan lotion; the one with coconut fragrance draws him the most. “That smell brings back the sweetest memories of women in bikinis,” McConaughey says.

#10 Megan Fox’s Dysfunctional Toilet Habit You look at this girl and you say to yourself, “Wow, she is so perfect that I doubt she is really human!” Well, the devastating truth is that the 30-year old actress and model is not only of flesh and blood, but she is also one of those people you’ll probably find disgusting to live with. She might be a global heartthrob, but as regards her hygienic habits, there’s room for improvement— a lot of it. The Transformers babe very often forgets to flush the toilet. And not only in her own home, but also in other people’s houses! She must realize how repulsive this is because not once or twice has she admitted in interviews that she is horrible to live with. Besides being negligent about her going-to-toilet routine, she is also very messy. “My clothes end up wherever I take them off.” Well, Megan, sweetheart, although you kill in a bikini, we must say, being that untidy is definitely far from sexy!

#11 Robert Pattinson’s Bad Hair Day Every Day It came as a surprise to those who know of Robert Pattinson‘s problematic personal hygiene when he became the face of Dior Homme Eau. Was it a joke? After all, the star from the Twilight series is famous for not being a big fan of showering. He once didn’t wash his hair for six weeks in a row! “I don’t really see the point,” he says. “If you don’t care if your hair’s clean or not, then why would you wash it?” Solid logic, but still, it remains a mystery how he manages to look so awesome and well-groomed. His sex appeal is something the crew members working with him on a set in Vancouver obviously don’t care about as they can’t stop criticizing him. As one of the anonymous insiders put it, “He stinks. I mean, it’s awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy.” So much for the cool vampire appeal!

#12 Harry Styles’ Double Trouble Harry Styles from One Direction has four nipples! Of course, it’s not particularly a dirty secret one needs to hide, but to some it may sound like something you wouldn’t exactly brag about either. However, girls thought the two extra nipples looked just great on Harry’s tanned torso when in 2012 paparazzi caught him sunbathing on the board of a luxury boat in Australia. Despite his genetic defect, the 22-year-old English singer doesn’t seem embarrassed at all. Actually, whenever asked about it, he likes to joke that the extra nipples might have belonged to a twin brother, who didn’t make it to the world but left him his nipples as a form of legacy. Probably because Harry finds stripping so liberating (as he claims), his fans think he is dreamy– four nipples or not.

#13 Thora Birch’s Family History In “Showbiz” Nobody can choose their parents and, one way or another, we all have a past we cannot just erase and pretend didn’t happen. Thora Birch‘s professional path was pretty much mapped out from before she was born, as both her parents were kind of in the show business. Indeed, she started acting as a child and even won an award for Best Young Actress Under Nine Years of Age, but her breakthrough role came with the Oscar winning film American Beauty, in which her performance was applauded both by the critics and the audience. Her parents must be very proud of their daughter’s achievements, although the movie in which they both appeared in 1972 is no less unforgettable and covered in more glory than American Beauty. That movie is none other than the adult film classic Deep Throat, and Jack Birch and Carol Conners, Thora’s mom and dad, are former stars of the industry.

#14 50 Cent’s Shameful Bankruptcy It must be really humiliating for someone who has built one’s career on the classical attributes of rap music (i.e. money, bitches, furs, and fast cars) to go bankrupt. And be forced to hide it! In 2015, the former hottest rapper out there filed a statement of his financials in Connecticut bankruptcy court. From the statement, it became clear that Curtis Jackson drained a $25 million fortune just in a few years’ time. The rapper claimed his bankruptcy was a result of some bad business investments (and following lawsuits), but the truth cannot be concealed– back in his best days of fame and glamor, the man kept throwing money around like a maharaja. Although he owned money to creditors and lost a scandalous lawsuit, which stripped him of another couple of millions, 50 Cent kept posting pictures of himself buried in piles of money. When the court asked him to explain this unexpected wealth, he responded it was all fake money. Yeah, as if!

#15 Daniel Radcliffe’s Booze Addiction How time flies! Year after year, we have been so engulfed in following Daniel bringing the magical character of Harry Potter to life that we somehow failed to notice when the child star grew up. And the fact would have continued to escape us if it hadn’t been for his confession that he had a drinking problem, which, however, he beat in 2010. The actor revealed that he’d sometimes show up on the set of Harry Potter still drunk from the night before. In an interview for The Guardian, he said he turned to alcohol to cope with the pressure of fame and potential failure. Although it sounds like a big cliché, it’s actually a common practice among child stars to embrace bad habits. The examples are quite numerous– Lindsay Lohan, Drew Barrymore, Mary-Kate Olsen, Macaulay Culkin… This is how Radcliffe explains the inclination of the young celebrities towards alcohol and drugs, “It’s the pressure of living with the thought, ‘Oh, what if all these people are saying I’m not going to have a career? What if they all are going to be laughing and I will be consigned to a bunch of “Where are they now?” lists?”

Source: TheRichest

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