#like hell do i want my niece to ever feel the way i've felt during those times; fuck you

[gogomarinette]

What kind of a human being looks at an eight-year-old girl and thinks, 'it's ok to casually discuss violence and assault in front of her, I'm just teaching her about the real world.'

Like, what the fuck? What the absolute fuck?? I may be oversimplifying it but that's literally how our 'discussion' just went and I am actually shaking with anger and disgust right now. I told him my 20year+ younger brother he should watch how he talks in front of my niece, like maybe cool it with the mentions of that recent nine-year-old murderer news story (and especially not in jokey way about it), and he accuses me of "treating her like a baby" and how he sees her "as a teenager" already,  even ordering her to wash the dishes earlier. Like ok, yeah, of course I want to protect her because she is literally a CHILD??? She doesn't need to know about that sort of stuff yet and it literally is, as an adult, your responsibility to protect her from that sort of stuff??? Like ok, she's gonna grow up and learn about that sooner or later, but it doesn't need to be now and in such an awful way???? 

The way I see it, it's not even about "teaching her about real life/how hard it is", it's literally he doesn't care to fucking control himself and curb his behaviour/words. Because then I asked him "what, are you gonna discuss assault in front of her too?" and he was like, all defiantly glaring, "yeah, why not, she'll eventually learn about that too. " Like, does he actually hear himself?? What the actual fuck is this!!! She shouldn't need to be know and be worried about that sort of thing already, children are literally not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with it?? Then I tried to point out our childhood, and he goes "well, no one protected me, people swore and did bad shit in front of me" - and well, yeah you turned out right fantastic didn't you, to be now thinking that's fucking ok to talk to a kid about!! 

Then I said, you wouldn't talk like that in front of her mother, would you? And he said, he's already okay-ed it with her, in 'teaching her about real life'. So now, I'm gonna have to phone her up! ! !

[madreckdoesrandomstuff]

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I would just get hit by a car

Go to the hospital for a month or more/less after the accident...

& just...

Just...

Forget everybody & or just forget the ones who've hurt me...

Or...

Or just die...

What's the point anyway...?

Nobody would care until I'm gone...

Nobody would care unless I got hurt...

Nobody would know I was gone until someone told them...

Heaven or Hell...?

Not like it matters anyway...

Because in the end...

I'll die unhappy...

Discontent with my life...

Unhappy with the way things turned out...

Unhappy that I wouldn't be able to tell those I cared about the most what happened...

Unhappy in general...

Whether I'd wake up or not...?

That would have to depend on me entirely...?

If I were conscious for a bit after I got hit by the car...?

& someone was kind enough to take me to the hospital...

I'd tell them to tell the doctors & nurses to not call my family...

& that's if they weren't already there to witness the accident...

They may have been there for me at birth...

But I'd choose to not let them be there for me at death...

I won't even allow them at my own funeral...

They don't deserve to pay their respects to me...

Not when they never truly respected my in the first place...

I don't care if they're my family or not...

Just because they're my family...

It doesn't justify all of the things they've done to me...

& even if I did survive... What differences would it have made...? Things may change...

But it wouldn't truly change...

What are they gonna do to make me feel better anyway...?

Send me to a mental hospital...?

Get me a therapist...?

Take away my privileges...?

The best thing any of them could ever do for me...

Well...

That's to just...

To just...

Stay away from me...

And to never contact me again...

I may forget what they've done...

But I don't forget the emotions I felt before, during, & after the shit they've pulled...

Would I regret it...?

Well...

Yes because I'd miss them...

But also not because...

Because it's what they deserve...

They don't deserve a daughter, a niece, or a cousin...

They don't deserve me...

I know I could do better without them...

What difference would it make if I'd just...

Disappear...?

Or get famous...?

Or get rich...?

Or get become a criminal...?

Or die...?

In the end...

It doesn't matter...

Why...?

Well...

None of them will ever truly change...

Not for themselves...

Not for friends...

Not for family...

Not for me...

Heaven or Hell...?

It never would've mattered...

Cuz in the end...

I choose not to either one...

Why...?

Even if nobody in my family is in either one of those two places...

I'd rather make them suffer for being such a horrible family...

No peace...

No sleep...

No happiness...

No sense of piece...

Nothing...

Just haunt them as a ghost in the afterlife...

& if they die...?

I'll leave them...

Again...

For good...

And this time...

I'll get a different family...

One that I've chosen to be born into...

I'd get to choose my parents...

& I'll just continue the cycle...

Until...

Until I've decided that...

That...

That I don't want my soul to continue existing anymore...

In which case...

I'll allow myself to finally fade away...