#like that leaves me with beefed up stock horses in prime shape (out of budget and I don't know enough about horses to keep them

[sweater-equestrian]

[vent/ only rb if commenting]

having a full mental breakdown because of my shitty horrible family / barn. Romeo stays at my family members barn free of charge- this is because my dad has always helped them build their equestrian center, even before we had Romeo or planned to have Romeo. This free board has been our saving grace during tough financial times (including now) and is why I can “own” a horse in the first place. But they suck! they schedule farrier and vet visits without asking me or telling me in advance- I get a text the night before if I am lucky. My phone has been on the fritz and not receiving texts. I had no idea the farrier was today. I also have schizophrenia- this is key because between it and ptsd, my memory is HORRIBLE. I have always been forgetful, but at this point I have full memory loss. It also means I am prone to being nocturnal- due to certain symptoms, sleeping is hard for me unless I am like, eyes hurt levels of exhausted. I did not sleep today until 5 am, and as a result, slept through the farrier. Now I have my barn owners (and dad) calling me all morning- are they concerned about me, a known suicidal and severely mentally ill person? no! why would they be! I am instead met with hostility and shaming. This is a historical pattern- “why don’t you have a job????” “why are you working minimum wage and can’t hold down a job? you are too smart to burden your father like that” “excuse me??? we told you to water the flowers why we where out of town!!! if you can’t help us out, maybe Romeo should find somewhere else to live and someone else to live with” (that threat was a long sit down in which my aunt and uncle cornered me and cussed me out for not remembering to water flowers- I have memory loss. I had remembered to, by myself, take care of the four horses we had at the time and carry bales of hay out every day. My family was also doing poorly due to my dads alcoholism- something they encourage, fyi. They knew this fully and where more or less threatening to rehome Romeo on me, over two planters of $60 flowers being wilty. Mind you, they are top 1% of income. This family makes more in a year than my father makes in 10. They make more in a year than I make in 100. I was not doing it out of hostility. It was not about the flowers.). In response to me daring to talk back or defend myself, they go straight to threatening my horse- it has gone so far as for them to threaten to kill both Romeo, my dog, and my other animals, any time I say an opinion they don’t like- be it political, me trying to stand up for myself, me standing up for other family members, or even just like, me being quiet. I’ve had times where I see them doing yard work, and wave to be nice, only for them to come over and tear into me for not working or helping out more or for doing something ‘wrong’ (I recall one time when I was walking Romeo in hand around the arena, and he pulled me over to a weed. I corrected him by holding out treats to get his attention back on me, which worked. I got yelled at for not ‘teaching him a lesson’ and ‘giving him vices’ and ‘ruining [co-owners name] horse’. Because..... I didn’t instantly give him a bruise on his nose for being a horse and wanting to do horse things). I am equal parts mad at them (and dreaming of the day I can cut ties), but also feeling like the shittiest horse owner alive. I daydream of future horses all the time, but I don’t think I ever will- both financially and because I don’t know if I’m a good pet owner at all.