#like that's grief for you and that's how healing isn't linear and probably buck is aware of this

[bisexualbuckl-y]

i can't stop thinking about buck's future reaction to this new eddie storyline in like a best friend way, because i don't know how aware buck is of how much eddie is struggling with his mental health lol, like how long ago was the last time they spoke about shannon in relation to eddie? does buck think eddie is over her death? or maybe not over but at least he's come to terms with it? i feel like we'll see eddie trying to hide this thing with kim and buck will surely know something's going on but i don't think he'll ever imagine something close to what's happening, and then aside from the lying and bad feelings surrounding the situation he'll also feel awful because he just didn't know how this was still an issue eddie was having... yk?

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Some random thoughts about Marisol's reappearance I gotta put somewhere...

Disclaimer: This is no coherent analysis of any sort, but just something I have to note down in some way. And as per usual, I'm making my rambling everyone's problem.

Like, the big question for me:

What is Marisol's reappearance in Eddie's life meant to achieve on a narrative level?

At first glance, it seems rather random to bring back this woman they helped on a call (and helped fix the house in a not at all heterosexual way, but I digress....). Like, why would you bring back yet another woman fitting a very particular pattern in this part of Eddie's story arc? After all, guy's been thriving ever since he went to therapy, and just recently told Buck that he should not date people he's met on calls.

Now, is this just a simple case of "karma's a bitch" or foreshadowing that this is exactly what Eddie will be doing himself?

Might be, might not be.

But if it's not just a typical "gotcha" moment, if this is really meant to further Eddie's storyline this season, then what is the upshot?

Those are the reasons that currently come to my mind (and it's probably none of them, but here I go anyway). For the sake of the argument (if there is), let's play devil's advocate as a Buddie shipper first and propose this:

Marisol's supposed to be Eddie's endgame

Possible, but highly unlikely IMO. I find it very hard to believe that they'd potentially follow a very similar pattern with how Eddie met essentially all the women he's dated since Shannon's death, only for this to be the one. Sure, he's had some "animosities" about Ana before, until he met her again on a call and then warmed up to the idea of dating her. But the pattern would still be (oversimplified) along those lines with Marisol:

Eddie makes some kind of connection with a pretty "Latina" (Gabrielle Walsh is not, but for some reason they kept acting like that... I'll never get the move, whatever).

Eddie warms up to the idea of dating and/or being in a relationship again, which intertwines his arc with his ongoing struggle of grief, repression, and self-discovery.

Eddie reconnects with said woman, potentially on (another) call.

Eddie goes on a date with said woman.

Now, the rest would be just guess work. But if Marisol and Eddie are supposed to actually start dating and becoming a couple (as per the premise), then the pattern would either continue with Eddie dating other people anyway (to bypass making the same mistakes he's done dating Ana), or actually doing just that (because healing isn't linear and people repeat the same mistakes).

Ergo, that begs the question: What's to be gained from a narrative POV? Either Eddie was just not ready with Ana yet, and he'd be with Marisol... which, you know, fair, but is that such a grand reveal? And what would that make it particular about her and how they met that we didn't already have with Ana? Other than that it wasn't Eddie's time yet?

So, why bother with this potential repetition of set-up? To invent some deep backstory for Marisol? Again, possible, but... also again, what's the point? I mean, the writers gave one to Taylor and that wasn't what made her and Buck last, even though it may even have seemed like it at first (the trope of "couple goes through some hardships, but they show up when it matters, they grow stronger together, and they can move on to the future from there").

Which is to say, if that's what we might be led to believe by the narrative at this point... NGL, I'd see that as a red herring, similar to the Taylor teary backstory (not) reveal. I just don't see the "lesson" Eddie is supposed to learn from the same set-up, only for this to turn out to be the right reasons to want to be with Marisol and have that partner who's meant to be forever.

Sure, sure, they could build her to be that over as many seasons. But I'll just say that I find that unlikely. Already for the plain reason of potentially repetitive storytelling, and my failure to see how the same set-up leads to a different result and lets it be "right" in one instance and not the other - for the sole reason of timing on Eddie's end.

Now, let's entertain some other scenarios.

Marisol is supposed to be the alter!Ana

Now, not in the creepy kind of way, but it might be a very interesting writing choice to confront Eddie with just that similar set-up, only for him to realize that he can't do that again. Either to himself or the person he's dating.

It could very well show that Eddie has to come to realize that he's about to fall into a similar pattern as he did with Ana. For example, to conform with the "norm", to simply not be alone anymore (a wish he voiced), because being with her might be "easy" compared to being on his own, to skip all the points about dating that he's unfamiliar with – to the familiar zone of "Eddie being in a steady relationship".

Because the latter was basically his only pattern whenever he's not decisively single. Eddie didn't care about dating (self-discovery, figuring out what he likes and doesn't like in a partner or relationship). He skips right ahead to being in a relationship. And in that way is recreating what he's had with Shannon, as they married young and didn't have as much time as their peers to date other people and figure more things out about themselves before having to make their marriage work.

Which is a long-ass way of saying: Confronting Eddie with an awfully similar pattern, and him coming to realize that this is what it is, could be really great for him. And it'd make for neat storytelling. It may open the door for him to actually start dating for himself, to have fun with the discovery (and maybe even to explore his own sexual identity at long last, oh King of Repression).

Emotional readiness doesn't equal being ready

Another thing to focus on might be this: Eddie may now finally be in a place where he can actually date other people... and not just go on (1) date with (1) person and stick to that person indefinitely, while said person bakes indefinitely many cupcakes... Still he is not ready to date, i.e. be in a steady relationship again. Why? Because he can't keep skipping through the actual dating phase (or pretend to go on dates, only to get Pepa off his case).

Eddie told his father last season that he needed to get better for himself. He's done very well on that front in so many way, but this may actually continue to be his blind spot for now. Eddie doesn't currently date for himself. He dates for his aunt, or to make her stop meddling. He doesn't take this as a way to be kind to himself, to find himself. He treats it like a fun evening at best, chore at worst. And if he doesn't, he insists that him and Christopher are a great team and that this is totally enough. Even though it's not. Which shows that he is still firmly in his comfort zone on this matter.

Which is to say: Maybe dating Marisol will give him the insight that he has to date for himself, too. And that he actually has to go through that phase, can't just skip right to the relationship phase to stop being alone or to rely on his comfort zone to "be enough".

This all comes back to what started with him dating Ana, namely Eddie's ongoing struggle with his grief over Shannon's loss. Because we learned this season that her and Eddie basically skipped a long (mature) dating process, as they married young. And Eddie continues to repeat that pattern with Ana (Eddie bumps into her, goes on 1 date with her, and he never dated any other woman again during that time). And he may even continue to do that with Marisol. And by the power of three, the third time would be the one that does the trick to make him aware of that.

So part of Eddie's healing process and reconciliation with his past (Shannon's "ghost", his own repression, you name it), his quest out of romantic solitude to finally find that one person who'll stay by his side, so he won't feel alone anymore... might actually be just that.

Buck isn't the only one missing the assignment

I know there's a lot of talk going on about how Buck keeps missing the assignment, now with him being interested in the death doula. So what I can see working just the same way is that Eddie is actually not much better off.

Sure enough, he's come a long, long way ever since he started therapy. But. I can totally see Eddie and Buck essentially making the same mistakes in different ways. Which is to say: Buddie parallels and antitheses could be so damn delicious in this. Yum.

Like, even without the shipper goggles, it's hard to deny that Buck and Eddie have been paralleled by the narrative in many ways. Their storylines are strongly interwoven, not just qua being best friends (somehow unavailable parents, Buck's self discovery journey vs. Eddie joining the Army to "do what's right", Buck/Ana parallels yet again this season, both going through and witnessing the other going through a (near-)death experience and struggling in the aftermath, trying to seem fine for the people around them, etc., etc., etc.).

So, Eddie continuing to miss his own assignments would be well within the realm of possibility. That Eddie tells Buck what he's not supposed to do (date people he met on a call), only to do that exact thing. And that Buck continues to fool himself in his belief that Natalia sees him (when she is merely reflecting the image he wants to see of himself and his relationship with his own death), even though it is a certain someone who actually sees him.

And yeah, he starts with E, and continues the odd tradition of somehow rhyming with the name of Buck's sister (Abby, Ali, Taylor Kelly...).

Why make them both miss the assignment, then? Well, here go the Buddie goggles, but I think it'd set them up neatly for what's next in their relationship. If Eddie actually starts dating for himself, if he gains an understanding of what he wants in a partner, he might finally be in the place where he can have the Oh moment. Because what he wants in a partner is what he's already got in Buck. And for Buck, it might be about seeing that it's not the person looking at him with a fascination for what happened to him, but the person who had to suffer through seeing that happen to him. Someone who sees him not for what happened to him, but for who he is.

AKA: Buck has to turn his back on the way he wants to see himself through Natalia's eyes and instead see himself through Eddie's eyes (who's seen the terrifying reality of a life without Buck in it, 3 minutes and 17 seconds long).

And here comes the potential twist I can see: Eddie also has to see himself through Buck's eyes. To finally reckon with his own mortality after the shooting (as Buck saw the terrifying reality of the 3 minutes and 17 seconds, the time we as the audience were made to watch Eddie being brought to the ER, as someone was so brilliant to point out).

Like, there are two elephants in this room (kitchen, always the kitchen). One ever since the sniper attack, the other since the lightning strike. And those two continue to dance not so elegantly around it. Buck and Eddie touch on the topic, but they don't go much below the surface level. Buck asks Eddie about what it felt like. He touched on it last season, too. Eddie lets it shine through that he still knows the seconds it took to bring Buck back. But what they don't talk about in depth are:

What did it really feel like for me, to (nearly) die, and what does it do that with me now?

What did it feel like for me, watching YOU (nearly) die, and what does it do with me now?

The first, Eddie touched on in some way this season. Though it's still entirely possible he remembers more about the shooting than he let on, or it's too surface-level as he wanted to keep Buck focused on himself and give an opening. Or something entirely else.

But the latter point is what's been very much absent from their conversations with each other so far. What does it do with you, to have your best friend's blood in your mouth? What does it do with you, to see your best friend dangling in the air, unmoving, silent, actually dead? What does it do with you, to try to get your best friend to safety, but having to let others handle it, to stay behind the glass doors? What does it do to you, to have to explain to your kid/your best friend's kid that the other might die/actually died?

They don't talk about that. Maybe because it's too hurtful, maybe because it's still too scary. Because maybe, just maybe, talking about it would make it oh too real that this doesn't make them feel like best friends but something much more. It may make it too real, how terrible a world was where the other was no more. Even if it was "just" 3 minutes and 17 seconds.

Now, I've taken a sharp U turn away from Marisol as Eddie's newest love interest and the Buddie in it all, but to circle this back... if the latter point is really something they are going for with the narrative... then the theme of recurring patterns, making the same mistakes despite "knowing better" would neatly fall in place with Eddie dating Marisol, I believe.

If this season is meant to wrap up some part of Eddie's and Buck's individual paths towards self-discovery, then for Eddie, it might well be having to learn that he can't repeat things with Marisol as he did with Shannon and Ana. That choosing himself means trying himself out, finding himself worthy enough of making the effort to find out what he truly wants in a partner.

And as for Buck, him potentially having to gear up and face his trauma to save his friends (I swear to God, red string of life coming back with Hen and Chim maybe, with Buck on the other end of that rope, will kill me so, so dead!)... that will be some kind of catalyst for him. And depending on where they want to place Natalia by the end of the season, say, her continuing to be drawn to Buck's relationship with death and maybe continuing to be fascinated by it after Buck went through that... there's many more possibilities I'll spare myself here. The point being: Buck will also find himself in some variation of what he went through before. And that should bring about some self-discoveries for him that he's been searching ever since this season began. And that might just be what they need to change and to move on, to work through their issues another time.

They need to do similar assignments before they can get the initial assignment right at long last.

Alright, that's been waaaaay too long. Here's to more shenanigan and this season finale ripping our hearts out! Woohoo!