#like well whatever! i'll just stay here til my body gives out i suppose

[aropride]

every day i leave my room and i go to the dining hall or the lobby or whatever and i’m being so brave and like yeah it’s for me so i don’t go fucking crazy in my room alone again but it’s also bc i hope every time they see me it reminds them what they did. i hope they feel like a tenth of the shame i live with constantly when they see me. like. fucking look at me. i’m still here. you can’t hide from what you did any more than you can hide from the dining hall. and i hope someday they’re more ashamed than i am

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Give me strength so I don't kill a bitch Janis: serious Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: I can't fuck you if you're in prison, remember Jimmy: unless this is you proposing Jimmy: so romantic 💕 Janis: Can't believe you won't fake marry me Janis: 💔 Jimmy: never said I wouldn't Jimmy: you haven't fake asked Janis: sure, trust you to wanna be savage about it Janis: dickhead 😏 Jimmy: I'm giving you chance to be #goals and 💍 me Janis: that's the vows is it Janis: be #goals forever and ever Jimmy: do you take this girl to be your lawfully wedded dickhead Jimmy: yeah alright Janis: 😂 Janis: such an idiot Janis: but at least you're funny Janis: teach Mia something, yeah Jimmy: no tah Jimmy: I know the kind of shit she wants me to teach her Janis: 😒 don't Janis: I'm already this close to actually smacking her without that mental image Jimmy: wait til I'm off work before you knock her out Jimmy: if you love me Janis: as bad as Grace Janis: start selling tickets Jimmy: we all wanna be there with pom poms & 🍿 Jimmy: don't be shy Janis: yeah I'm so sure Janis: you'll get your chance to wear the skirt one day, babe Janis: don't worry Jimmy: 💔💔🎻🎻🎻 Janis: mm Jimmy: I'm gonna show up & 💍 when you're about to smack her Jimmy: put you off 'cause you don't want me there Janis: you probably would Janis: love nothing more than shaming me Janis: but I ain't giving you my location so good 🍀 Jimmy: & you love the angle but fine I won't get down on my knees for you Jimmy: spoilsport Jimmy: pissed on your own parade there, girl Janis: shut up Janis: distracting me Janis: gotta be on my A game, boy Jimmy: you're too busy shutting her up to make me Jimmy: & she don't need your A game Jimmy: a breeze would turn her bones to dust Janis: you on my side or not, boy Janis: ain't a tag-team effort between you and her is it Jimmy: nah I'm dumping you for her & this is how I'm letting you know Janis: ah well Janis: your girlfriend is about to get fucked up Janis: soz about it Jimmy: she can lick her own wounds 🐍 perks Jimmy: it's alright Janis: boring Janis: but if that's what you're into these days Jimmy: once I teach her what to do with that 👅 I'm set for life Janis: disgusting Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: 😑 Janis: go away Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: how many rounds you going? Jimmy: come see me after Janis: you're rude Janis: but like you said, ain't gonna take much, is it Janis: sure Jimmy: good Jimmy: I miss you Janis: I miss you too Janis: this is all easier to ignore when you're about Jimmy: I'm going nowhere Jimmy: still smack her though 'cause neither is she Janis: 👍 Janis: long time coming Janis: but I'll try not to kill her Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I'll help you hide the body, don't worry about it Jimmy: #peakromance Janis: have to be good Janis: it's how her dad shows he cares, appaz Jimmy: smacking her about? Jimmy: #relatable Jimmy: or hiding the bodies of her enemies Janis: 😬😂 Janis: nah though, threatening legal action if anyone dares to talk back to her, never mind smack her one Jimmy: the bodies thing is probably true too Jimmy: I ain't seen Gracie for a while is all I'm saying Janis: 🤞 Janis: sadly, 'less Mia gave her wifi in her grave Jimmy: what's the point of 💀 if you can't liveblog it #duh Janis: turn your location on girl Janis: maybe dig you up 'fore you suffocate Jimmy: might do Jimmy: might not do Janis: obvs gotta make her promise to change her ways Jimmy: 👍🍀 Janis: you're right Janis: maybe just let her 👻 Jimmy: not an invitation for me & her to be #couplegoals though Jimmy: your 👻 lad only Janis: swear to God she better keep her ghost hands to herself Janis: or I'll kill her properly Janis: send her 😈🔥 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: she'll be waiting for me there getting more 💕😍 then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: she can wait Janis: you said you're staying Jimmy: I am Jimmy: unless you send me away Janis: not gonna send you to hell Janis: have to fuck me off a lot more than this Janis: soz to disappoint Jimmy: not to be that dickhead but Jimmy: it's hell wherever you ain't Jimmy: so not much to do Janis: baby Janis: you're so genuinely #goals sometimes it hurts Jimmy: I'm not actually trying to distract you right now Jimmy: I swear Jimmy: I'm just Janis: hot Janis: I know Janis: ain't your fault, really Jimmy: I just love you Jimmy: & that is your fault Janis: I'll own it Jimmy: alright then Janis: not just 'cos I love you too Jimmy: course not Jimmy: but it'll do me that you do love me too Janis: you know I do Janis: a lot Jimmy: gimme more though Janis: how Jimmy: I'll let you know Jimmy: other than accepting my proposal obviously Janis: alright 😏 Janis: please do Jimmy: 👌 Janis: right, this is actually happening Janis: accept the charges if I have to bell you from jail, yeah? Jimmy: I suppose Jimmy: make me feel like the tables have turned, yeah rich girl Janis: if you like Janis: roleplay, fun Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: keeping it #goals baby Janis: [fight] Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: 🥇🥇🥇🥇 Janis: you know it Jimmy: start running now Jimmy: 👮🚔 Janis: way ahead of you, babe Janis: as per Jimmy: #duh Jimmy: SUCH an athlete Janis: you'd reckon so if you saw her face Janis: that felt good Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: how long you got left of your shift Jimmy: hour & a half Jimmy: come here when you're done running victory laps Jimmy: I've saved my last break Janis: Good Janis: gotta channel this energy somewhere Janis: and I want you Jimmy: just don't get her blood on me Jimmy: this ain't the CG none of the customers are thick enough to believe it's Halloween Janis: 🤞 Janis: I'll clean up Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: I wanna do it Jimmy: but we don't have time Janis: we'll make the most of what we do still Janis: don't be sad, baby Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: I know but Jimmy: I want more time Janis: after Janis: not that long to wait Jimmy: it feels like Janis: always does Janis: whenever we have to be around other people even Jimmy: you reckon it's ever getting any easier or nah Jimmy: 'cause bit rude Janis: try and be less fuckable Janis: idk Jimmy: how Janis: alright bighead Janis: true but Janis: no one likes a showoff Jimmy: you do Janis: bit Jimmy: loads Janis: maybe Janis: if you really make the most of your break, like Jimmy: no challenge but still accepted Jimmy: I want you so much Janis: you know I love you Jimmy: I love you too Janis: I'm glad you exist Janis: everyone else is shit Jimmy: you Jimmy: you're the only one I care about Jimmy: let's go somewhere when I'm done here Jimmy: I'll call in sick tomorrow Jimmy: it don't even matter Janis: okay Janis: if you're sure obviously I want to Janis: where Jimmy: let's just not come back until my next shift Jimmy: fuck school Jimmy: where do you wanna go? Janis: yeah? Janis: I don't care Janis: anywhere with you Jimmy: we can just get on a train or whatever then Jimmy: I don't give a fuck either Janis: my nan and granddad have a caravan not far away Janis: but far enough Janis: might work Jimmy: is anyone else in your massive family likely to be using it Janis: eurgh Janis: shouldn't be but Janis: how to subtly check without telling everyone where we are 🙄 Jimmy: it's alright we'll just leave if anyone else turns up Janis: it'd only be nan and granddad in term time anyway so we've got good odds of being left alone Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: let's do it then Janis: okay Janis: I'll hang around 'til you finish then Janis: no point going home Jimmy: I'll have to Jimmy: pack a bag & chat to the kids about it Jimmy: but we can go after Janis: yeah Janis: 'course Janis: they'll be alright, yeah Jimmy: you want me to pack shit for you seeing as you ain't going home Jimmy: all I can do is let 'em know I ain't just fucking off Jimmy: my dad too I'll pen him a note so he don't bell the 👮🚔 Jimmy: It ain't gonna be good but neither is this, here now Janis: if you like Janis: I don't care but you might once I start to stink Janis: probably a plan Jimmy: I'll just throw you in the shower, girl 💪 Janis: like to see you try Janis: have you know I'm undefeated, boy Jimmy: then you'll see me try Jimmy: I'm ready Janis: you've always been a very gracious 🥈babe Jimmy: oi Jimmy: come here & call me a loser Janis: come on, there's no losers babe Jimmy: easy to say when you're the winner, babe Janis: how bad does losing feel though, really Janis: you know it's still good Jimmy: I'll show you in a bit Jimmy: 🥇 me Janis: 😏 Janis: we'll see then Jimmy: just remember to tell me how it feels, alright Janis: do my best Janis: you do make it hard to speak though sometimes so Jimmy: do my best Jimmy: please be on your way Janis: I am Janis: time me if you wanna Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 👌 nerd Janis: [5 mins or w/e] Janis: come out here and say that to my face Jimmy: [does] Janis: [kisses his face] Jimmy: [kisses her neck] Janis: [noise like oh hey] Jimmy: [tells her how long she took to get there cos also a nerd] Janis: [pouty like nu-uh!] Jimmy: [pouty lip thing for life] Janis: ['I missed you' and showing him] Jimmy: [says it back & likewise cos they don't have a lot of time] Janis: [enjoy lads] Janis: do you think I should go get some stuff Jimmy: you should stay with me Janis: okay Janis: go make me a drink then, boy Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [we know the drill he's making it but looking at her like 😍] Janis: you're cute Janis: I can't wait to go Jimmy: you Jimmy: you can go to mine & pack for us & make it quicker Janis: I could Janis: still have to talk to the kids though Jimmy: just don't pack the 🐶 Jimmy: can give 'em a ring though Jimmy: might not even be there Janis: 💔 but baby Janis: cool, long as you're sure Jimmy: [shrugs at her from behind the counter] Jimmy: it ain't gonna go decent however I say it Jimmy: so whatever Janis: you still wanna though Jimmy: we're going Jimmy: if I have to listen to every dickhead talking about your #girlfight for the next week I'll 💀💀💀 Janis: 🙄 Janis: she thought Janis: got the scratches to prove it Jimmy: sexy Jimmy: but it's not gonna convince me to stay here Janis: I ain't trying to convince you Jimmy: you've already convinced me to go Jimmy: I've got the marks to prove it too Janis: 😏 Janis: trust me, you had more fun than I did Janis: even if it was pretty satisfying Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: you'll have fun with me Jimmy: if you ain't had enough just now which 💔 Janis: never enough Janis: not a diss Janis: brag if anything, your speciality Jimmy: good save, girl Jimmy: come get your smoothie Janis: okay lemme just enjoy the view for a sec longer Janis: [then does] Jimmy: lemme just enjoy that view for as long as possible Janis: knew there was a reason you were asking me to leave Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: [keeps looking back] Janis: stop looking at me like that Jimmy: [gives her an even hotter look instead cos he be like that] Jimmy: miss you already Janis: I definitely miss you more Janis: only got yourself to blame Jimmy: sounds like a challenge that Janis: challenge to behave Janis: for once Jimmy: 💔💔 Jimmy: I give you a minute before you're changing your mind & wanting me not to Janis: 💪 Janis: challenge accepted Janis: I'm tough, tah Jimmy: ⏲ Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: I only wanna be 💕 Janis: you're rude Jimmy: if you like Janis: you know how bad I want you but we can't Janis: so very rude Janis: actually Jimmy: we can Jimmy: just Jimmy: another ⏲ going for that Janis: it's not long is it Janis: make it worth it Jimmy: when you've got to mine, packed and 🐶💕 I'll be done Jimmy: promise Janis: okay Janis: we can do this Janis: think how long we're gonna have Janis: just us Janis: and nothing to do Jimmy: just you to do Janis: not a chore, is it? Jimmy: ask me at the end of the week Janis: 😂 piss off Jimmy: just saying Jimmy: you love dickheads but do you love 'em 24/7 Janis: like we spend loads of time apart as is 😏 Janis: don't worry, there's more than one room if you're testing me Jimmy: 😂 piss off Janis: but I ain't getting in those tiny twin beds so Janis: be nice Jimmy: I am Jimmy: always nice me Janis: nah Janis: but I wouldn't like you if you were Jimmy: I reckon I could still get you to like me Janis: really? Janis: is this you admitting you are a bit of a 🤓 Jimmy: I'm admitting nowt til we're out of reach of the 👮🚔 Jimmy: life of crime starts so soon Janis: watch out Skerries Janis: 👊 Jimmy: Bonnie & Clyde 39 Janis: I'll straighten my hair so I can get my #whitepassing priviledge then 👍 Jimmy: weren't there a promise about never doing nowt like that Jimmy: except you reckoned you never would anyway Jimmy: don't 💔 me that ain't part of the crime spree Janis: well excuse me for not wanting to be shot, white boy 😂 Jimmy: if you ain't willing to die for me, Juliet we can call this off right here Janis: I thought I told you to stop being so suicide-pact-y Janis: don't want anyone to actually ring garda, like Jimmy: you say suicide pacty I say #ultiimategoals Jimmy: but FINE 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: don't Janis: actually giving out gracie vibes and terrifying me Jimmy: #whenyouvetakenthewrongtwinontherun Janis: ask her Janis: sure she's still up for it Jimmy: don't Jimmy: course she is Janis: you're such a cocky dickhead Jimmy: why you like me Janis: 😒 Janis: why she does too, obviously Jimmy: ain't my fault you two are #twinning with your tastes, girl Janis: fuck off Janis: you ain't had to misfortune of meeting any of her exes Jimmy: just the one Janis: he don't count Jimmy: my KO still does though Jimmy: & do any of 'em count as exes if she's fucking 'em still Jimmy: arguably not Janis: shut up Janis: don't be gross Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: I ain't suggesting you join in or owt Jimmy: me either Janis: why are we talking about her Jimmy: you brought her up Jimmy: & her exes Janis: well now I'm ending it Jimmy: alright Janis: take the dog for a shit whilst I'm at it Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: write my dad a note Jimmy: such a way with words you Janis: ha Janis: funny Janis: he'll say I've kidnapped you just to fuck w me Jimmy: nah he'll say I've legged it Jimmy: loves to tell the others I don't give a shit & he does Jimmy: he can't turn 'em against you with that big house & dog training 🏆🏆 Janis: can definitely buy love Jimmy: if not love then less hatred Janis: works for me Jimmy: works for Ian too Jimmy: fucked himself on respect though Jimmy: don't have enough of a wage packet for that Janis: 💔 Janis: don't know how many times I've told him we could be bezzie mates Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: you're fucking the wrong family member for that one Jimmy: even if you were doing him it'd be a stretch Janis: why you tryna hurt me rn Jimmy: save him a job Jimmy: since he don't do the ones he has Janis: too good, you Jimmy: yeah Janis: tragedy Jimmy: 🎭 Jimmy: let's say it's a comedy Janis: if you like Janis: again, works for me Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: you ain't unlocked enough 💕 or 💸 to reveal my tragic backstory, soz Janis: backatcha Jimmy: works for me Janis: she's pissed everywhere Janis: 😑 Janis: gonna need to start charging more Jimmy: send Ian the bill Jimmy: he'll love that Jimmy: also feel free to leave it for him to sort Janis: we all know she's your 💕 Jimmy: yours Janis: sure Janis: whatever you say Janis: I'll keep your secret Jimmy: just 'cause you've given yours away by being so blatant Jimmy: leave it & me out tah Janis: you wish Janis: 🖕 Janis: such a mystery Jimmy: you wish, Jillian Janis: mhmm Janis: now who's blatant Jimmy: open book with a forgettable name you Janis: then forget it Jimmy: I do Jimmy: loads Jimmy: just happened then Janis: forget us going away if you're gonna be such a twat Jimmy: what are you on about Jimmy: I'm a twat everywhere & anywhere Janis: whatever Janis: go do some work Janis: ain't in the mood Jimmy: you're not serious Janis: we can still go Janis: just Jimmy: what Janis: I don't know Janis: genuinely Janis: forget it Jimmy: has that worked any time you've said it Jimmy: or made things weird Janis: so it's all my fault Janis: cool Jimmy: did I say that Jimmy: nah I said telling me to forget it ain't gonna make it happen Janis: you also said I make things weird all the time so Jimmy: you do Jimmy: so do I Janis: not what you said Jimmy: you were being weird before I said it so Jimmy: what's the problem Janis: I just don't want to think about my family Janis: let alone talk about them Janis: that's what this is about, alright Jimmy: it weren't like I wanna hear about 'em Jimmy: no begging here Janis: don't then Janis: hear enough without you adding your voice to the conversation Jimmy: a conversation you started Jimmy: but yeah whatever I'll shut up Jimmy: like you said, loads of work I could be doing Janis: if you like Janis: bye then Jimmy: if you like Jimmy: which you obviously do Janis: I'm telling you I don't Jimmy: you're also telling me to shut up Jimmy: so what the fuck do you want me to do Janis: why do I have to know Janis: work it out Jimmy: why do I have to work it out Jimmy: like this is a challenge all of a sudden Janis: it is Janis: ask anyone Janis: if you don't want to then don't Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: no it's not Jimmy: if you don't want to push me away then don't Janis: as if it's as easy as choosing Jimmy: it's trying which ain't easy but what the fuck is Jimmy: this? Jimmy: I don't think so Janis: I am trying Jimmy: good Jimmy: when you wanna try harder you know where I am Janis: fuck off Janis: you patronizing prick Jimmy: that's the easy route right there Jimmy: take it Jimmy: go on Janis: no it ain't Janis: 'cos I need to go Jimmy: then go Jimmy: like I said, easy Janis: I wanted to go with you Janis: dickhead Jimmy: I was gonna go with you dickhead Janis: well you ruined it Janis: yeah, you Jimmy: fuck you Janis: fuck you first Jimmy: whatever Jimmy: blame me Jimmy: on you go Janis: yeah whatever Janis: take what I can get Jimmy: lucky you Janis: 🍀 Janis: call me rich girl whilst you're at it Janis: hit all the  fuck you marks Jimmy: so you can blame me for what you've got & I've not Jimmy: yeah alright Janis: it's not me that brings it up Janis: constantly Jimmy: you don't wanna bring anything up Jimmy: I got that Janis: oh I'm sorry but you established we ain't ready for the tragic backstory did you not Jimmy: & that means we'll just fuck forever & never talk about anything, yeah Jimmy: that & you can run off whenever the fuck you need Janis: you said you don't want to talk about them either so why the hell does this matter even Janis: and I keep saying, I'm not going without you Janis: I did it once to you Janis: once Jimmy: I could give a fuck about them Jimmy: you're the one being a dickhead Jimmy: what matters is you could go whenever you like Jimmy: I'm the one who has to jump through a million hoops to do anything Jimmy: that I need Janis: Okay I'm sorry that you have family and obligations Janis: I already felt bad, actually Janis: I'm not forcing you to go Jimmy: nah you're just stopping me Jimmy: when I want to Jimmy: & fuck knows why even Janis: I ain't said you can't Jimmy: but I can't Janis: not because of me Jimmy: it's all my fault, you've already said Janis: no Janis: not what I meant Janis: 'cos of the kids Jimmy: it ain't their fault I ain't going Jimmy: or if I can't Jimmy: they didn't ask for this Janis: I didn't say fault Janis: it's just why Jimmy: it ain't why Jimmy: that's 'cause of my mum & dad Janis: well, yeah Janis: alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: this is stupid Jimmy: it's been stupid for ages Janis: then stop being so Janis: pedantic Jimmy: stop being a dickhead Janis: fine Jimmy: 👌 Janis: is it Janis: or nah Jimmy: gotta be Janis: it don't Jimmy: I don't wanna fight with you any more Jimmy: so yeah it does Janis: is that enough Janis: serious Jimmy: like I said, gotta be Janis: Jim Janis: come on, that's bullshit Janis: we're not doing that Jimmy: you can bring as much bollocks as you want to this convo & say that to me Jimmy: alright then Janis: I mean Janis: fucking hell Janis: let me fix it Jimmy: you can't put all the blame on me & then be the one to fix it Jimmy: that don't even make sense Janis: I didn't! Janis: you just keep saying I did but Janis: I ain't trying to Jimmy: I ruined it, you said Janis: I didn't mean it Janis: obviously I did but sorry for not wanting to own that immediately Jimmy: have it how you like Jimmy: I don't care Jimmy: I already told you, I don't wanna fight about this Janis: stop saying that Janis: that don't fix anything Janis: it's as bad as forget it Jimmy: I don't know how to fix this Janis: so fuck forever yeah Jimmy: don't say that Jimmy: I didn't Janis: not to start this up again but you definitely did say that Janis: I don't want to Janis: but I don't know how to fix it either Jimmy: I just want you Jimmy: you know that Jimmy: I love you Janis: I love you Janis: I'll fix it somehow Janis: whatever Janis: whatever it takes not whatever Jimmy: tell me where to meet you Jimmy: as soon as I'm done here Jimmy: we can just Janis: I'm sorry Janis: for fucking Janis: the hassle Jimmy: I'm sorry for my bit of it Jimmy: I didn't mean to make you kick off Jimmy: or owt Janis: you don't need to Janis: it was stupid Janis: you didn't do anything Jimmy: It didn't leave it out though Jimmy: I could've Janis: you were just trying Janis: but alright, accepted, like Jimmy: give Mia another smack Jimmy: you'll feel better again Jimmy: & we can start over Janis: 'til her dad murders me or reads me my rights or some shit Jimmy: I believe in you, girl Janis: thanks Janis: don't deserve you Jimmy: yeah you do Jimmy: & if her dad kicks off I'll come knock him out Janis: hot Jimmy: you are Janis: nah Janis: I'm a pain in the arse Janis: naggy bitch Jimmy: you can be all of 'em Jimmy: it don't cancel out Janis: 😂 Janis: tah darling Jimmy: it's alright Janis: I miss you Janis: I've cleaned up and walked her though so Janis: welcome Ian Jimmy: I appreciate it Jimmy: I'll show you Jimmy: just come back Janis: you want me to Janis: I've already fucked your shift enough, I know Jimmy: I don't care Jimmy: I'm nearly done anyway Janis: okay then Janis: coming Jimmy: if you don't run I could be finished by the time you get here Jimmy: maybe Janis: be hard Janis: athlete that I am but Janis: take it slow Jimmy: do it for me baby Jimmy: when I see you I'll have to kiss you whether I'm still working or not Janis: um why are you actually being so fucking Janis: right now Janis: are you doing it on purpose Jimmy: I miss you too Jimmy: that's it Janis: thanks for not letting me ruin it Jimmy: I promised Jimmy: tah for not letting me Janis: I promised too Janis: know I make it difficult but Janis: you know Jimmy: it ain't like I make it any less Jimmy: you know I'd rather fight with you than be around anyone else Jimmy: just don't leave Janis: I ain't trying to give you anything else in your life to worry about or stress or Janis: but I won't Janis: swear on my life Jimmy: I worry about you all the time Jimmy: that's just Jimmy: giving a shit Jimmy: I'm never gonna stop doing that Janis: I'm Janis: not used to liking that Janis: or wanting it Jimmy: I know Jimmy: I'm not used to doing it 'cause I want to though so I get it Jimmy: you're not an obligation to me & that's weird but Jimmy: how I like it Janis: 'cause Janis: the way family 'cares' Janis: it does fuck all Janis: makes everything worse, usually Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: you know how my dad 'cares' so Jimmy: but you're more than family to me Janis: yeah Janis: I feel it too Jimmy: can we still go Janis: yes Janis: 'course Janis: we both still need to Janis: even if you wanna ignore me the whole time, you have to come Jimmy: that isn't what I want Jimmy: I want Jimmy: you Janis: good Janis: that's all I want too Jimmy: I'm gonna make everything better again Jimmy: we'll just leave everything behind like we planned Janis: it'll be good Janis: we're so good Janis: honest Jimmy: I love you so fucking much, alright Jimmy: forever still Janis: forever and ever and ever okay Jimmy: I swear I'm never gonna leave you Jimmy: I don't care if it's hard sometimes Jimmy: it's the easiest thing I've got Jimmy: & everything I want Janis: I love you Janis: I'm not losing this Janis: you Jimmy: me either Jimmy: I need you Janis: its mutual Janis: you know Janis: so fucking much Janis: I don't even know what I did before Janis: or how Janis: for so long Jimmy: I know Jimmy: & I need you to know too that it ain't always gonna be like this Jimmy: we can leave for real soon Jimmy: we won't have to come back Janis: you mean it Janis: 'cos don't say it otherwise I can't Jimmy: I'm serious Jimmy: you might have to wait longer than you wanna but Jimmy: if you can then we can Janis: 'course I can Jimmy: not gonna be this young forever Jimmy: 👵👴💕 Janis: that's all I've wanted since 👶 basically so Janis: and yeah, know you're buzzing for that Janis: only reason you're sticking around, yeah Jimmy: when's your birthday Jimmy: we can go after that Janis: 13th October Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you reckon they'll give less of a shit, like legally Janis: 'cos we'll be 16 Jimmy: the 👮🚔 will be if Ian gives 'em a bell Jimmy: that works for me Jimmy: he'll only bother when he figures out that we're staying away Janis: yeah Janis: exactly Janis: can't make you come home Jimmy: it don't look good your ex & your kid both doing one but we'll be long gone by then Jimmy: so he can be as fuming as he wants Janis: and give a shit about making him look good Jimmy: the kids will still have me on the end of the phone Jimmy: that's all that matters Janis: yeah Janis: we can make it work Janis: we will Jimmy: we have to Janis: promise Jimmy: trial run starts in a bit then Janis: it's easy Janis: if you can hack it being a bit rough in the beginning Jimmy: I can handle you being a massive dickhead so I reckon I've got it Janis: 😏 okay Janis: letting that slide Jimmy: 💕 Janis: you're allowed like Janis: three lowblows, I reckon Janis: then it's business as usual Jimmy: how many have I done? Janis: I'll be fair and count from that one Jimmy: alright Janis: don't waste 'em, babe Jimmy: don't sound like me that Janis: just sayin' Janis: got a week to deal with me, you know Janis: s'a long time Jimmy: not long enough Jimmy: I don't wanna come back & we ain't even left Janis: I know Janis: if we had somewhere we could be alone proper Janis: it wouldn't be as shit, still a lot but you know Jimmy: really fucked you over by making Dublin into 'something' Jimmy: no squats about now Janis: defs is, just gotta be in the right wrong postcode Jimmy: you reckon? Jimmy: sort it out then, rich girl Janis: yeah, gonna need to kill that nickname or we'll both be 👻 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: no promises Janis: not saying you have to remember my name Janis: not going that hard Jimmy: if you find us somewhere I will Janis: hold you to that Jimmy: you can Janis: I'm outside if you can have a quick 🚬 Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: gimme a sec to finish this bollocks & then it's over with Janis: 👍 ain't going anywhere without you Jimmy: good Jimmy: don't Jimmy: [after a realistic number of minutes to get shit done, a wild Jimothy appears] Janis: [leaning on the wall like a cool bitch just like sup] Jimmy: [kisses her like he said he would as soon as he saw her & it's such a good one like use that wall boy] Janis: ['well, shit'] Jimmy: [is just looking at her like 😍] Janis: [kisses him now she knows they're good, pulling him closer always] Jimmy: [just let them have a lil make out moment cos deserved] Janis: [then taking his hand like c'mon 'cos excited to gtfo] Jimmy: [handholding & walking but he's also 🚬 cos hasn't had chance since when] Janis: ['should we go shop and get load of ready meals for the kids?] Jimmy: [is looking at her even more hearteyes cos that's why he loves you bitch that's such a good idea & so nice bye, does remember to nod though eventually] Janis: [smiles like cool 'cos she ain't gonna see it as a big thing obvs, 'yeah, they ain't all unhealthy as fuck nowadays but even Bobs could do that if he needed so'] Jimmy: [kisses her again cos so nice & also her smiling kills him always so] Jimmy: what do we need? Janis: not much Janis: we'll have a bed and water and all the shit we need in the caravan so Janis: cash for food and some clothes, if you insist, like Jimmy: easy Jimmy: no need to piss about for ages Janis: [nods] Janis: seriously, enough of that as is Jimmy: yeah Janis: [keeps looking at him 'cos can't help it] Jimmy: [more kisses cos he can't help that either] Janis: [puts her forehead to his and is just saying thank you over and over quietly like] Jimmy: [says ILY over and over & also sorry because well] Janis: ['don't be' and more desperate kisses] Jimmy: [literally the hottest make out in the middle of the street or wherever like] Janis: [tryna compose herself so they can do this shopping and go to his but damn] Jimmy: [isn't helping by being hot af excuse him everyone] Janis: can you save this at least 'til we're on the train Janis: killing me, boy Jimmy: [looks at her all innocently but he knows exactly what he's been doing] Jimmy: 😇 me Janis: [gives him a look like hmm but not actually mad so starts smiling with it] Janis: hate you Jimmy: I hate you too, baby Jimmy: so much Janis: [makes ugh! noise out loud 'cos feeling that #frustrated by you rn boy] Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: just you wait Jimmy: I'm already waiting Jimmy: come here Janis: [does 'cos ain't too proud lbr] Jimmy: [more of the same cos no chill] Janis: ['Jesus'] Janis: are you ever gonna let me live Jimmy: not if it means I have to stop Jimmy: this Jimmy: [even more] Janis: ['Baby, please-'] Jimmy: ['say it'] Janis: [more noises 'cos dying] Jimmy: [goes as hard as he can considering where they are] Janis: ['Okay, okay, fuck! Jimmy, please take me somewhere right now so you can do more. I need it. You.'] Jimmy: [god knows where but he does lead her off somewhere cos same obviously he's made that pretty clear] Janis: [enjoy lads] Jimmy: [& now focus please thanks so much places to be] Janis: [🤤 through life 'cos blissed out can probably leave this here now]

[dearmomimissyou]

So yesterday I tried to make a post explaining the back story of what caused Sunday's mental breakdown to happen and I tried to save it to drafts after spending 30 minutes on it while walking Miss Phyre outside but Tumblr decided to cock out and didn't actually save it which led to another mini meltdown afterwards so I'm just going to skip the background. It hurts to mich to relive it a g a i n. So thanks Tumblr.

Sunday I went to Sam's house after donating plasma cause dad was working on the electrical and I figured I'd just spend time there instead of being home. Instead, I ended up having a breakdown on Sam's back porch. I started crying inside while in the fetal position on the floor and figured that I should go outside so nobody heard me. I violently sobbed for at least ten minutes and dug my nails into my arm because I wanted to punish myself. I also went outside because I wanted to destroy Sam's living room and I can't do that but I can destroy myself and my things. I kept wanting to smash my head into something and eventually I did on the banister twice and screamed both times when I did it. After some time like five minutes of so Nemo came out and tried talking to me and I blew up on them and basically blamed them even though it wasn't their fault. They were crying and begging me to get help dad came out too crying because he heard me say that somebody was tearing me down and making feel like shit about myself but he didn't hear who and at the time it didn't make me feel anything but looking back fucking hurts. Sam came out too after Nemo went inside I think to talk to dad about what was happening and she brought Nala Tyler's cat and asked if I wanted cookies or soda to feel better. I just remember ignoring her and being so annoyed with her in the moment.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't physically talk and typed a message to Nemo:

I want to me normal I WA. T to be fixed and go just can't cause miss Phyre needs attention and the dress fitting and I don't want to worry mom and tge family but fucking here I dpimg just that all the God dam. Duckknf time vsvauar I can't fucking control my stupid fucking brain

They asked if I wanted to go to the lds hospital crisis center or if I wanted to wait til tomorrow:

I have to go today cause if I don't there be an excuse tomorrow like I feel better it always happens

So they drove me home so I could get some clothes and stuff to bring to be admitted into inpatient. The whole time I was getting stuff I cried and kissed miss Phyre and told her over and over how much I love her and that I'll be back I'm not abandoning her.

So we get up to the access center thing and because of covid Nemo has to leave but I get taken back pretty fast for the physical part and asking the standard health questions. They also take my stuff including my phone and the pieces of paper that I wrote down all my problems on and a brief breakdown of my childhood traumas. I sit in a pretty okay chair for what feels like an hour. I cry a bit but nothing too noticeable when I finally got back to see the crisis counselor she basically said I'm very knowledgeable about my mental illnesses and told me that she'd let their therapy coordinator know to give me a call on Tuesday and also gave me her business card so I could call too and said as long as I'm not a danger to myself I can go home. In that moment I wasn't in danger of hurting myself more and I did want to go home instead of being admitted so I could take care of Miss Phyre but this was the second time a crisis counselor told me I wasn't in enough danger to be admitted like? Excuse me? Sorry my fucking emotions turn on a fucking dime but I absolutely need professional fucking help please?

She led me back to my chair to wait for the psychiatrist or whatever and that time I didn't have to wait as long. I got a turkey sandwich box thingy that came with a fruit cup chips and a string cheese as well as mustard and mayo in packets to put on it and tomatoes and Lettuce on the side so you can add them if you want them. I only had time to eat the fruit cup and started spreading the mayo on my sandwich before the psychiatrist came to me and we talked and he said the same thing as the counselor thag I'm very insightful about my failings and then put me on welbutrin instead of Lexapro and said I'm good to go home. I went back to the chair finished making the sandwich and then ate it while filling out their crisis sheet thingy that's like when I'm in a bad place who can I go to type shit. I still had to wait to actually be discharged so J ate the string cheese too. I finally left and had to wait another thirtyish minutes for Nemo to come pick me up.

What the scratches looked like right after being discharged. We went back to Sam's house because dad was still doing the electrical and we stayed there for another hour or two before going home. Don't remember much after the discharge honestly.

Monday was labor day and we went shopping I got my pills and stuff from Smiths. Then we went back home to wait for mom and Karleigh to get up so we could go to Joanne's tk make a playyard thing for aidrian and the dollar store for other stuff I don't remember. Then we went to the grocery store to get pita bread for dinner and something else I forgot but we ended up shopping and spent like 200 dollars. We also went to Lowes to get more pvc pipe for the playyard because dad apparently didn't get enough the first time. We ate dinner with Dave which was tikki masala and it was pretty dang good. Also before we got my pills I walked Miss Phyre for a while outside and she loved it. I decided to give her a bath afterwards since she doesn't wash herself and she was oaky the entire time she didn't meow or hiss or anything. She tried to climb out of the tub but not like in an aggressive manner like she didn't want anything to do with the water. She was such a good girl.

When Dave left we started working in the playyard. We wrapped some pink tulle on the sides and tied it to the pvc with some thin yarn. It took us hours to do and it was just mom Karleigh and me because dad went to bed. It was grueling work because my body was already exhausted from shopping all day and I had to hold my arms above my head for extended periods of time. My heels were in excruciating pain but we finally finished half of the playyard at about 1230 only to find out the other tulle we bought was the wrong stuff. It was too small to have it folded over to keep the sides secure and wasn't long enough to reach both ends of the other tulle so we had to give up for the night which actually pissed me off more than finishing it would have probably. I ended up only going to sleep at 5 am and waking up at about 9 on Tuesday but it was a nice cool day so I took Miss Phyre out for another walk and while we walked I typed up the previous Tumblr post. When I was ready to go inside and take a break from reliving the shit that happened I saved it to drafts so I could finish it later and brought Miss Phyre inside. Then I realized that it didn't actually save it and I had another breakdown but not nearly as intense as Sunday. It didn't help that the therapy coordinator never actually called me. I got a call from a bit for Intermountain that asked a bunch of questions like do I understand my discharge orders am I feeling safe did I get medication and do I understand how to take the medication and I had to hit 1 for yes 2 for no and 3 for unsure and one of the questions was like am I still feeling like I'm in a crisis or something and I had to hit 1 three times because it just wouldn't register it and that pissed me off and made me mad that it was automated and they didn't even bother to have areal human call and talk to me. After every question I answered basically they said were sorry to hear that well have a nurse follow up with you later today. I ignored both calls from the nurse because I just didn't have the energy to deal with it after the Tumblr thing. Like I wasted so much energy just typing it out and what little I had left just instantly sapped after I realized it was gone. The second voicemail the nurse left mentioned that it would be the last time trying to get into contact with me but also that our insurance has mental health advocates so thats something I need to look into.

Eventually Cavell told my dad that I needed to be watched I guess and since dad was still at work and mom had just left to take aidrian back home mandi came downstairs and spent time with me. Cavell told my sad that I needed to eat so he texted mandi to make sure I ate something and we went upstairs and made pizza and waited for dad to come home. After that we had to wait for mom and Karleigh to get back so we could go back to Joanne's to get the right tulle and while we were there I bought some double pointed needles so I could make some wrist warmers to hide the scratches. I also wrapped them up which just made it seem way more serious than it was since they were too close for bandaids to work right I had to use gauze and ace wrap.

We thankfully didn't finish the playyard yesterday we're supposed to some time today but hopefully I'll be asleep before then.

I also left the access center a review since they only had two. One one star review that was basically my experience and one five star with no description from an account that only gives 5 star reviews and seems like a bot.

Nemo wanted me to call the center for evidence based treatment last night because Google said they closed at 7 but when I called they closed at 5 so I called today instrad and nobody answered so I filled out their online form and I just got the response email from them so I'm going to hopefully get better soon I guess.

Love you always.