#literally I sit down and 5mins go past and one of them will have made my lap their nap place for the next 3 hours

[why-the-heck-not]

cat-sitting, very literally (aka the cats & I are sitting on this damn couch the whole weekend through bc I for sure am not going to bother their sleep)

[noctomania]

Case #1:

My manager made the choice to have me do 2 full detail tours instead of 1 full & 1 semi. taking 2 full tours lands me behind the schedule i would meet if i did 1 full and 1 semi. I did my tours in the normal allotted time (2 hours each) and got to my post around 4am and waited to be relieved for my final break which would normally be at 5am. In the past he had told me I needed to go on my break at around 5. It was well past 5am probably 10mins so I called my manager to relieve me. He said I was late to my post so i had to wait because supposedly he was still on his break. Mind you they do nothing all night unless someone calls or i find something to concern them with. Further, I was not late to my post. So not only was he denying me my break at the time he had told me to take it he was also claiming that i was late which was factually wrong. it wasn’t but 5mins later that he relieved me so i’m not sure what exactly was the problem with relieving me when i should have been relieved. It felt as though I was being held accountable for his choices.

Case #2

We have a fire panel that occasionally (often) have “nuisance alarms” (mind you i think it’s fucked they allow for there to be anything considered just a nuisance alarm on a panel meant for emergencies but nobody gets it fixed.anyway) Often times “fire group” will come by to check on it and even though we are in lock down from 11-7 we will let them in. Normally the procedure would be i call base let them know fire group is there & then i have like 5 other things i gotta do for this literal 2 min visit. I gotta check their id their virus check make sure to sign them in & that they have a mask. Meanwhile they will show up and start pounding on the door so I’m already feeling rushed and the last thing I want to deal with is them breaking the door by pulling on it.

Because my coworker failed to tell me she was going on break, when i called base there was no response. Our dept usually operates under the protocol that if you hear the radio go off & there is no response, if you can serve the roll then pick up the call. So I was operating under that assumption so that instead of calling more just to get no response i figured well if nobody is responding nobody is listening so i move on to do the rest of my job. Right after fire group leaves my manager calls me to tell me that he watched what happened and to tell me what i did wrong. He admitted that he heard the radio heard there was no response, checked the cams to see nobody was in base & to see what i was doing. He sat there for about 5 mins just watching on the cameras instead of picking up the radio to let me know i had back up. He chose to neglect his responsibility as a “team player” to take the opportunity to chastise me. All I did “wrong” was not make a second call and not walk the guy to the door (which is not what i should do if im assuming im alone bc nobody is watching over me)

Case #3

Normally our last breaks are at around 5am. Because of how our manager has set the schedule up it ends up being a very short time between lunch and our last break so if it’s a schedule like that i will wait until a bit after 5 til i take my last break. Today I last track and at 530 my coworker said she was taking her break and then instead of letting me go to my break she just went to a task we have on odd days which forced me to have to take my break after 6am. I had asked her before she went if i could go to my break and she said no she had to go to the house right then. So I just had no choice but to sit there and not get my break. He called me when i got back to criticize me for taking my break after 6am. (Which mind you is realistically a non-issue that he turns into an issue when he’s bored)  I told him what she had told me and he went on his fucking soapbox - he has a bad tendency to be long-winded and it inevitably pisses me off more bc he will draw up strawmen and get exceptionally redundant. So i start off saying ok look this is what coworker told me and asked him for clarification. He told me to tone down. He claimed i was screaming. I was not screaming. I told him do not tone police me. Just because he had a tendency to mumble does not mean i am screaming. You can also turn down the volume on the phone if i talk loud. I project my voice so as to be heard clearly. I was asking for clarification on a statement he supposedly made because my coworker did not seem clear on the direction either. I’m still not confident my manager even knows what he said bc he doesn’t remember jack shit. He even referenced the case #1 & LIED OUTRIGHT ABOUT IT. Claiming that he’s never had an issue with me calling him to relieve me when in fact the ONLY time I ever called him to relieve me he DID have an issue and refused to relieve me until he was ready to.

I’m so fucking sick of this man. He does NOT do his job. He fills out the dispatch log at the top of the night and doesn’t touch it again for the rest of the shift. He ignores alarms. He sleeps (you can literally hear it in his voice when we wake him with the radio or the phone). He delegates everything he can and if he isn’t shirking responsibility he’s micromanaging. He has piss-poor communication skills. The only time he talks to me is to tell me what I’m doing wrong or to do something else. No appreciate, hardly even greets me. When he first came to this place he was like “oh im human first im not your boss im your manager we’re a team imma get yall pizza every month”blah blah blah. All lies. Fucking pandering pos. He’s one of the worst managers i’ve had. There was another scenario that was removed from all this (though it was another case of him not doing his job) where he said and i quote “I just dont want it to land on me”. He will do whatever it takes to not be responsible for his own actions and choices. But the accountability has to fall somewhere so where does it land? The bottom line. Of everyone on our shift I am the lowest paid & most overworked. The only way to get higher pay is to take 40hours out of my life to “train” for a job I already do. Which in part during that training would require me work time outside my shift. Even though I literally never pick up shifts.

I don’t even know what to do anymore bc it’s not like the union can do anything. I’ve complained about him to them before and all they can do is send a message that we need to be treated equally which isn’t done anyway and still nobody cares. I’m exhausted emotionally. I have been working through this pandemic both dealing with assholes who wont wear their masks when im walking to or from work and dealing with my institution trying to impose a fucked up method that is less about safety and more about presentation (tryin to force people to replace their masks with masks that have been sitting out around people who aren’t wearing masks - i responsibly refused to put on the potentially infected mask & keep my own on). The only comfort i get is being home. I’m just tired of being made to feel like i’m doing shit wrong when i know im not. I have a hard time biting my tongue bc this shit keeps building up.

whats more is i would take time off but idk how much time i have available bc they have it only accessible either by asking a manager or through an app one of SEVERAL ive had to download bc of this fucking institution which the password ive since forgotten bc i have like 39752 passwords a this fuckin point. And i dont want to fucking talk to managers any more than absolutely necessary. There is all of one manager i actually trust. there is another that is kinda cool but shes pretty new and i worry shes just trying to appeal to me the way the other manager did with the whole “im human first” bs & she’s buddy with that manager so

anyway i fucking hate that place and those people and wish them all a very merry fuck you hope they get a flat tired or lose their car entirely or stub every single fucking toe twice. Managers are the most useless position in any place ever. Get a real job you bums.

[xottzot]

2018-04(APR)-19th--Thursday--later-AGAIN an unlicensed offroad motorbike from the aboriginals household has been tearing ON roads.

2018-04(APR)-19th--Thursday--later-AGAIN an unlicensed offroad motorbike from the aboriginals household has been tearing ON roads.

I told you they were congegrating about THAT aboriginal household with the low brick front fence.......just as theye weer YESTERDAY and tehn tearing all abut on teh roads on unlicensed small motorbikes AND all across the Koongamia school oval and property AND all about ON the roads everywhere in Koongamia, and Bellevue AND Greenmount and anywhere they damned well decided to go.......

Well....they're doing it ALL AGAIN.......

Same shitheads doing the SAME shit AND riding all about on the roads....including older youths dressed all in black clothing....all taking 'turns' riding a small offroad motorbike all about ON the roads AND riding all about the Koongamia School property and oval AND riding up to the Koongamia shops........

The place they have been coming and going from, the aboriginal criminal household has thick bushes and trees out the front of it (not the street verge but their front yard) and it stops any all sight of what goes on in the property there....hence why IT IS a CRIMINAL aboriginal property.......

A damned jet airplane is flying loud low overhead as I type this........

Have you ever noticed why crime is so prevalent around airports and surrounds? - It's because the rates of houses and land for homes is so degraded because of the damned aircraft noise.......AND because the criminals KNOW that Police helicopters are heavily restricted/stopped from patrolling because of the aircraft traffic.- This has been going been for many years and not just here.

Now a small light aircraft flies overhead to land at Perth Airport as I type this........

I wonder, if just like yesterday, there will be NO Western Australian POLICE sirens because there IS NO marked Police vehicles about or any unmarked Police vehicles about. Have they used up all their allocated small fuel quota this morning delivering paperwork to the aboriginal criminal household? -- It seems so.

At 10 minute after midday noon, the motorbike returns from the Koongamia shops, this time with the aboriginal youth who wears a 'patchwork' patterned shirt that he usually wears and has done so for YEARS, (he's the one who used to hide up in trees from Police, he also wore that then too), he was riding ON THE ROAD it but he stopped the engine and was coasting along ON the road to silently coast into the driveway of THAT aboriginal household with the low brick front fence, and tall youth in black long pants and black top was pushing him at times along and itching to be let to ride the motorbike but wasn't.

Is this is one of the offroad motorbikes that was 'delivered' to them yesterday?

It seems they have now all (just as I forecasted) have progressed from illegally riding pushbikes all about and stealing them and everything, and progressed on to doing it all with motorbikes........it won't be long now before they are all doing all this shit with CARS and vehicles. - And if YOU think that is nothing, then consider any innocent person or your own loved ones being killed by them on the roads or whatever, even in car parks, and it won't be just an illegal motorcyle tearing about, but will be a huge hulking mass of metal and engine causing deaths as they careen about with abandon....just as they have always done when they were young......just as they did with pushbikes, just as they were as toddlers in diapers..........it has all gone on before...with all their family and relations....and brought hell to everyone innocent about them....... - And they don't care at all...not even the slightest at all......only what they can get out of governments or steal, even from any and everyone aven from their own families and relations.......

At 26 minutes past midday noon, once AGAIN the illegal offroad small 4-stroke motorbike has come out of the criminal aboriginal household, and this time it has both the aborigial youth with his 'patchwork' patterned shirt riding it AND the older (non aboriginal?) taller youth sitting on it as they ride along ON the roads to the Koongamia shops. This time it was slow but still it's exhaust was burbling and loud......where they are headed is anyones guess.....but is ON THE ROADS they do it on......

The old guy of the tall green fenced household has been drinking a cup of coffee/tea whilst standing beside inside his front gate. He too has seen the motorbike and duo go past ON the roads and to the Koongamia shops area or direction. The old guy violentally throws the contents of his drink out onto his driveway and then repeatedly taps his fence gate again to somebody? at the Koongamia shops direction...as a warning....and to take notice.....but they mever listen or ever take heed of him.......he turns his back and walks to go inside his household again......this goes on day and night....at any time of the day or night but he at least keeps to reasonably civilised hours.....

I myself only just found out this morning that 'school holidays' are on, and have a week to go before the 'kids' are due to go back to school again this year......

'school holidays' are just an excuse for those who NEVER EVER got to school to be seen out in ordinary school hours, which they do so and roam all about and be criminal all about whether it's 'school holidays' or not........

ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at a quarter to 1pm.......

ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 5mins to 1pm.......

ANOTHER small propellor aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 3mins to 1pm.......

No....I am NOT a 'plane spotter' or any such thing......but it is another aspect of this hellhole area........

At 1:10pm a white SUV pulls up at Fatguts criminal household.........there is some noise.

ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 1:13pm.......

From out of that SUV vehicle rushed out aboriginals, one or two of the youths rushed across and immediately sat down in the 'brown' sofa chairs and lounge suite that is STILL on the front street verge close by the road outside of the aboriginals criminal household across the road from Fatguts criminal household.

At 1:15pm that lounge suits and chairs is literally full of aboriginal kids and toddlers lounging in them next to the road next to the low brick creme front fence. It is the SAME place that the illegal motorbikes have been tearing in and out yesterday too. It is now ALWAYS the scene of everything shitty that goes on all around this hellhole area. And it is just across the road from the Koongamia School.......and just around the corner from the Koongamia shops & public telephone(s) and including the alcohol store in Koongamia.....

Everything that USED to be bad about Koongamia has now returned and with more than it was before....except way back then (before we ever moved here in 1967 with my dear mother (now sadly decased)), it was adult shitheads and drunks and drug heads and violent thugs roaming the streets but there was no aboriginals, and no aboriginal criminals, at least not overtly. Bu then they moved in at the north of Koongamia and that area became a no-go crime area, then THAT went away....NOW it is here at this hellhole area the have made it of Koongamia closer to the shops and Koongamia school which they never go to.

It began at this part of Koongamia with the forced moving in of Fatguts and him making it into a criminal household, dealing drugs, and which countless cars all daya and night would go there even Xmas day or on ANY day. -- Dear Fliss saw all this happen herself. But BEFORE she had arrived here everything was fine and peaceful and quiet. But deaest Fliss never EVER had ANYTHING to do with ANY of that, not EVER.

Fatguts was evicted AFTER dear Fliss left here, and that place then became the shitty aboriginal household place that it even now is to this very day, as is the house across the road from it, the overflow place, which was once just used to house all the small children of the criminal aboriginals but which itself has now become just as criminal but is not a drug dealer as far as I know but is a nexus point for a HELL of a lot of criminal incidents and shit going around this hellhole area...and SO is fatguts criminal houseehold, whether he has returned there or not I have no idea but it is criminal in its own right now with scores of Police incidents so many times....but dear Fliss ONLY saw of the fatguts drug-dealing era....NOT what it has become today....a ghetto of aboriginals, aboriginal criminal kids, criminal adults, and criminal youths......the area is MORE an uncontrolled hellhole than it was when Fatguts ran his drug dealing household there, and I say that with personal experience having lived here since 1967 and seen so many changes all about here and all about. And my poor dear mother suffered so much from about this hellhole but she never lived to see this place get any better...only to change for the worse in other ways........and she not only suffered from it, but was personally terribly assaulted by it all (Fliss knows some about it for I told her myself), and the horrors which lead to my poor mothers somewhat early death in life leaving me so very alone in this hellhole and uncaring world.

IF you are reading this dear Cath of Queensland, YOU may think your own life is so terrible but believe me, it is not. You live a very well-off life compared to the poverty and deprivations and sufferings I and my poor dear mother lead and grew up in, where we often barely had enough money for food. And we NEVER had any car or vehicle.

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At almost 2pm........once AGAIN......that aboriginal youth in the multipatched shirt has been tearing about all on teh roads on THAT illegal of road motrobike AGAIN.....

(He is the SAME one who use to hide up in trees from Police when they were out looking for him. He would watch them go past then drop down and run off into the opposite direction or he would just hide up in the trees even when it was raining. He even did this not only in street verge trees but trees in other unconnected peoples yards.....)

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 1:59pm.......

And....the Kalara Way street is full of aborigials and toddlers all 'chasing' the motorbike onto Clayton Street as it goes onto Koongamia School oval and property and they are yelling and making noise...it sounds like a small riot there is so much noise......the smallest kids no longer are 'quite' in diapers, but maybe they still are and are just wearing pants to cover them........'training pants'.......

And there is NO POLICE or any authority.........

School apparently 'goes back' in about a weeks time.....is this shit going to go on EVERY DAY until then and BEYOND.......it HAS BEEN GOING ON for YEARS EVEN WHEN THE SCHOOL WAS IN SESSIONS........

At 2:09pm.......the illegal unlicensed motorbike returned ON THE ROADS.....and it crossed Clayton Street and rode up Kalara Way street and straight into the aboriginals criminal household place in Kalara Way where the Police were today and carrying paperwork. They can do nothing it seems. Just as has been going on for decades now.

And aboriginal children are swamping and cavorting around on the lounge suite still sitting on the street verge outside the aboriginal criminal household where the illegal motorbike comes and goes from with complete impunity from any law at all.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 2:13pm.......

As the motorbike was riding along ON THE ROADS, aboriginals of all ages including toddlers and including an overweight aboriginal woman were all congregating on the roads at the bottom of Kalara Way. To them it's all normal. Even the traffic going past on Clayton Street. They all also act as 'lookouts' for any marked Police cars about. And they are ready to rush up to any stopped Police vehicle and 'swamp it' to stop any Police running about to capture or apprehend anyone. - This has been going on for YEARS.

There is some insane 'custom' amongst all the aboriginals...and that is NEVER EVER to involve any Police.......but when Police arrive, then they gather in a large group and literally obstruct the Police and slow them down or lie to them in any way so that the Police never know ANYTHING about ANYTHING........and THAT is how they have been acting around this hellhole for so many years and which Fliss herself saw going on at times.......it happened COUNTLESS times with 'fatguts' the aboriginal drug dealer household when he was so very active and criminal there........

And that 'swarming' tactic STILL GOES ON despite the drug dealer no longer being around or overtly around.......

And ANOTHER propellor aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 2:25pm.......

Can you see how all this goes on and on and on and on and on and is hell.......this damend hellhole that it has become...which nobody knows about.....which nobody cares about......and anything that EVER gets done is ONLY for the criminals and for their benefit.........and can you now understand why so many people moved out forever from their homes, and so many consider this entire place a hellhole........and which dear Fliss had another terrible breakdown and fled and nobody believes me about ANYTHING.........

I wish I was dead and being with my dear Mother, but I would MUCH rather be with dear Fliss away from this hellhole that nobody believes about and I was with dearest Fliss just as she promised me.....

I love you dearest Fliss and want to be with you.

please forgive yourself, and forgive others

All this following is NOT me being pedantic or anyting, it's to show you the reader the hell of this here.....

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 2:44pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 2:57pm.......

Public busses never ran so much like this in all my life.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 2:58pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:00pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:02pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:05pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:22pm.......

I have just opened the postman mail, and the water department in a form letter has declared THIS house is using 'too much' water and is in a high percentage rate of water users......WTF!? - All the few fruit trees that dear Fliss and I planted and cared for are all dying from lack of water, there is NO backyard grass or 'lawns', and the front yard 'grass' is almost bare clay and has very little grass, and what there is is thinn dy and 'crackles' because it is so dry when you walk on it. -- AND we have NO swimming pool or anythig like that nor have we ever had one. Nor is there any garden pools or anything like that. There is NO garden out in the backyard. All that died away and is dead. Which is what soon awaits me in this hellhole.

And STILL our water useage is supposed to be far too high in their charts they have provided?! - WTF!?

Would using NO water at all, not even to shower with count as 'too much' !?!?

It's as I keep saying, I am NOT ALLOWED to even rest here and do NOTHING....and STILL I AM BEING BLAMED.....what the fuck for now......using too much water!?!?

I want YOU to ask dear Fliss how parched and dry this VERY place is. And how we planted trees to stop it being so terribly hot all the time. And I said, if we're going to plant trees then lets get semething out of them, like some fruit maybe. And so we planted a few orange trees and madarine trees and lemon trees spread all about this backyard.

NOT that they have been producing hardly ANYTHING at all....it's too hot and dry and they get no water and so all their tiny buds drop off and never 'set' with real growing fruit and so they trees do nothing but provide a small amount of shade.

STOP PRESS!----- The aboriginals are AGAIN out on that motorbike AGAIN on the roads, down Kalara Way street, onto Clayton Street and off an beyond....TWO of them on that small motorbike this time........and of course there is no Police about nor is there ever, and which is why this hellhole is the way it has become. And of course they are not wearing motorcyle helmets...they never ever obey any laws at all, never. The motorbike is unlicensable for the roads as is the rider(s)....and they are off to who-knows-where again but will carry on well into the night...the motorbike has NO lights on it...but neither do any of the pushbikes they ever ride around at night either....laws mean nothing to them......nothing.......

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Now there is a neighbours dog barking madly and insanely. Poor dear Sam & der Max are getting VERY upset by it. That dog cannot see outside its backyard and barks at any sound it hears. I cannot even go to my own driveway gate and it goes beserk. It is also tormented just like poor Sam & poor Max and me by the feral cats all over this hellhoel place.

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:43pm.......

That dog has stopped barking....for now.....

Poor dear sam and dear Max have NEVER been allowed to bark and carry on like all that other dog does. That dogs noise upsets them...as does the feral cats shitting and pissing all over the place IN our yard everywhere and ON EVERYTHING....as does the roaming criminals roaming all about this hellhole.......

That damned water department letter today makes me utterly wish I was dead and wish I had never ever been born to suffer as I have suffered in my miserable fucking life.....

I bet my brother will now accuse ME of 'using to much water' somehow.....Really? what from? The swimming pool we don't have and have never had....or the big vegetable garden all MANY YEARS long dead and dry dirt that's a wasteland of dry weeds...or the backyard that has practically NO GRASS whatsoever in it at all now except where he parks his 4WD utility vehicle over.....or the front yard being parched dry and full of clay and sparse half-dead grass that only exists from when it rains each year and in the shade of the tree out the front there which rotects it from drying all dead completely and which gives a tiny amount of cool air to this hothouse of a tiny 2 bedroom house......

And now the illegal loud unregistered offroad motorbike is tearing around outside at 3:48pm ON THE ROADS and through the road intersections....and around the block, past the Koongamia shops and around again and along Clayton Street AGAIN.........

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead and into Perth Airport........at 3:50pm.......

Dear Mum, though you are no longer alive, I wish to be with you away from this hell. I love dear Fliss with all my heart and soul but she went super-upset and fled in mistaken fear back to her parents in New South Wales whom Fliss always thought her mother hated her, or so she told me all the time, all the time I knew her. And she had terrible memories of everything that I never knew was real or not and neither did she. And those parents don;t care anything aout me or want to listen to anything I ever say not now, nor ever when Fliss was with me......

I am alone in this world more than anyone knows or cares about.......not just alone but despised....and I have done absolutely nothing at all to warrant ANY of that, not ever........all have been I is loving and caring and kind but NONE of that matters or seems to matter AT ALL ANYMORE AND ACTUALLY IS AGAINST ME.

All my life I have seen cold, callous, heartless, selfish, uncaring, murderous, and vicious people prey upn all others and get everything they ever wanted and more in life....but I have not done anything....and I am told to fuck off and die....yes that very term.......(and not from dear Fliss!)......

Oh no.....ANOTHER smaller jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 3:56pm.......and a dog is barking VERY loudly outside (NOT the next door neighbour dog) and it's going crazy doing it.....

THIS IS HELL

At 4pm....and ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part has been flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........

And a noise outside was......an aboriginal couple, of an adult man and and adult woman wearing long winter clothing carrying stuff in shopping bags and the woman was banging on the front door of the unfenced house that was neighbours who had been the ones who very slowly had moved out over days and nights even with flashlights from there........the woman was banging on their front door and making noise.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 4:06pm.......

That couple then walked along and around the corner and a few houses away to the old guys house with the big green metal fence and gate....and she reached over opened the gate and let themselves in there..........

And ANOTHER big jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 4:14pm.......

And ANOTHER jet aircraft is as I type this part is flying loud and low overhead here and into Perth Airport........at 4:16pm.......

I do NOT want this to seem like it is just about the damned loud and frequent planes that fly above this hellhole and make life worse living that it already is. I'm just noting it down to give others a sense of the HELL that it is here........

And as soon as I stop writing this, and try to go to sleep, the damned planes and noise will continue to go on and be joined by all sorts of other damned hell.

Poor Sam and poor Max are in this hellhole with me and are suffering too......as is the lone chicken all by itself...the last of the last....and that's what I am.....the last of the last....and when I'm dead and gone there will no longer be anyone to speak or say anything and all the lies and bullshit or to counter it......

I think I have some idea (or an inkling of) of what my poor dear innocent gentle mother was nonstop crying for many hours alone in hospital, even though I held her hand, before she died and I still held her hand.....a few years before I ever knew of or met dearest Fliss, Felicity Carthew of Tamworth, New South Wales, Australia.

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you.

I'm sorry, but I'm crying now. I have to also take dear Sam & dear Max outside before it's dark so they can have their ablutions out there...which I will have to clean up and then go to bed.-- Outside on the Great Eastern Highway is a police siren or an Ambulance...I can't be sure which since I can't see it......and there is also nearby loud thumping music playing....and a dog barking loudly......and it's supposed to be raining it was forecast.....and a freight train has honked it's rail horn in Bellevue.....and dear Sam is whimpering and hungry........and some small birds are twittering in the trees outside.....probably trying to avoid all the feral cats too.....and now cars are roaring about.......

And poor Sam & Max are still whimpering wanting to go outside.......and the ferals of Kalara Way street have all been out on the street and making LOT of noise which is adding to poor Sam & poor Max's own hell......

And.......I have JUST finished an incoming phone call...that DEAR FLISS NEEDS TO BE AWARE OF.......it was for me to ABSOLUTELY decide whether to have dear Max killed and leave me and poor Sam alone in this hellhole more than what we are. -- It stems from when poor Max unexpectedly and without any provocation from me attacked me and left me with severe wounds which I was taken to hospital(s) for and spent time in and was operated on under anaesthetic getting operated on and my wounds stitched up. I am STILL severely wounded and NO AT ALL HEALED ALL UP AT ALL.

I have just smelled smoke! - Outside in the northern part of Koongamia and in Bellevue/Greenmount is some sort of fire raging. (hence the sirens I heard earlier) - There is a lot of smoke. And kids of all kinds are roaming the streets and being attracted to all of that. This hovel of a house is filling with that smoke now, and I detest smoke of all kinds and it will make me having any sleep so much more impossible. It smells like the kind of smoke you'd get at a rubbish tip of green garbage and trash. It's foul and acrid.

I have had now to go outside with dear Sam and dear Max into that crap air. And to let them back inside. The stink in the air is diminishing from that smoke but the stink will remain outside and in. (it's as if lighting a rubbish pile in your living room or kitchen.)

Once again something has gone on. I suspect that the grassed paddock areas at the north west of Koongamia and into Bellevue near the RSL have been set on fire by shitheads. I hope to God there's no horses paddocked in those areas like there quite often is.

There is a LOT of activity going on in the streets outside. And people are moving all about. Some of them are innocent people coming home from their places of work.

There is now at 5:12pm yet another propellor plane coming in to land at Perth airport........

Nearby are idiots in cars roaring about as they finish work and tear about......

Dear Rusty is barking madly and she is happy-barking, not anything bad. Her mistress is home and loves her. At least dear Rusty's life is somewhat happy, as much as her mistress can make it.

And at 5:15pm another jet plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport.

And at 5:16pm another jet plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with YOU. - This is HELL worse than hell. A hell nobody wants to know of, and which nobody cares about.....- I love you dear Fliss and want to be with YOU. - Poor Sam and poor Max..........poor Max was slated for death........and it was expected to occur.......

I have been somewhat made to feel and appear muddled or stupid for not wanting him killed and so have me leaving poor Sam alone without his only brother, and me feeling guilty all my life alive knowing I had gotten him killed, and for making Sam alone his fellow brother dog the only true one that he has ever known his entire life. --- If I was an unfeeling bastard an areshole, which is NOT what I am and I have never been, then it would come to pass. - But who will take care of poor Sam & poor Max after I am dead? - And the poor lone chicken all on it's own?

Outside are wandering idiots in the streets. The smoke and the noise and sirens and it not raining and the barking dogs and yet another truck loudly on the highway or something nearby, maybe one of the fire engine trucks or something? -- All this as I was about to try to lay down and sleep for tonight. - But I AM NEVER ALLOWED TO SLEEP.

I can't have the heater on whilst I sleep. It will gobble up all the oxygen and give me terrible headaches from lack of oxygen no matter how warm and cosy I might feel in bed. So tonight I have the following to choose from, be all that above as I've stated and worse, or be cold and unable to get warm. I am temporarily choosing to be feeling very cold. Perhaps poor dear Sam & poor dear Max will cuddle up with me and keep me warm as they sometimes often do, just as they often did with dear Fliss all the time.

And at 5:29pm another jet plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport.

And at 5:31pm another propellor plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport.

Nothing but sleep and nightmares and no good future of life without being with dearest Fliss awaits me.....

and so to bed.......wher nightmares terrible await.......

And at 5:40pm another propellor plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport, and by "propellor plane" it can mean big passenger propellor planes that fly over east and up north throughout Western Australia.......

Not tired enough to sleep....damn!

And at 5:44pm another smaller passenger jet plane comes overhead here into land at Perth Airport.

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with YOU.

[breezles]

Really lengthy life story thing under the cut..a lot of negativity and just a big fat idk what to do anymore. But I got a bunch of cleaning supplies to deep clean the house tomorrow because nobody touches it in cleaning but me!!!! 

You know I am really tired of living with the people I do now. My mom, my dad, my brother(is okay in some ways lazy fuck in others) and my moms boyfriend. It’s a horrific combination because of so many different reasons. 

One being my Dad ALWAYS having something to say, muttering asshole things under his breath about everyone. Has anger issues, flips the fuck out if shit doesnt go his way, complains on everything that is or isnt. Yells all the time if he’s not stoned. Gives me emotional whiplash, and never was a “Dad” or “Father figure” in my life. Not contributing to household things, like the list can go on and on honestly. He’s an angry asshole all the time. A good example for the sake of this; “Did you put the clothes in the dryer yet?” and I respond “Not yet but I will” and it only being an hour since. “They’re going to smell like mildew now” or “Did you feed your cats yet?” and if I answer no because I have a specific time I feed them every day that he is clearly aware of, he goes “They’re starving, they’re meowing at the door, why do you even have them?? You dont even care.” He thinks they need food every time they meow and thats why they’ve gained weight after the fifty fucking times I tell him to leave the feeding to me so I can monitor how much and when they eat. (Not 5min later he literally asks me to go put the clothes in the dryer) He also comments about how shitty it is here, and how he wants to leave. Kudos bro go for it. (Also while typing this is when the laundry shit happened, and it’s been about 10min and he finally got up to do it himself because I wasn’t moving fast enough) Also aggressive and patronizing, only talks a certain way to me, and like a normal person to my brother or moms bf. 

Moms bf; Constantly stomping through the house huffing and grunting like a wounded animal, slamming doors or cabinets, making inhuman noises that sound gross and disturbing, because he has no sense that other people live here that don’t have doors or a room to sleep in. Has no consideration at all.. Constantly calls off work at least once a week because he doesn’t want to get up. I wonder how he’s not fired yet. He’s admitted that he has nothing to look forward to anymore, when he gets home from work so he sleeps for days on end, getting more and more lazy. Has anger issues also if Mom tries to get him up for work. Has thrown things before, not at anyone but in general. Also doesn’t do any household chores like cleaning, unless on the very rare occasion dog shit outside. (Same with dad on this) 

Mom; I love her, she has a lot of health issues to deal with that I have tried time and time again to help her with but she sleeps so so SO much that it’s pretty much negatively effecting her health when she should be more focused on maintaining her condition. Never calls to make appointments, avoids it, runs out of her medication then freaks out when she can’t get it because she has to make a follow up appointment for the doctor to represcribe it. She also has whiplash anger, always complains about something being eaten that she goes to eat, which over time has pretty much made me not eat anything in the house except for an occasional sandwich or quesadilla so I’m not to blame for it. (Sounds shitty doesnt it) Doesn’t clean anymore except when she feels like it, can’t remember the last time she made dinner. Hoards up in her room taking pain medication(thats not the prescribed ones) for her Neuralgia. I feel like her mental structure is also declining because she forgets a lot or gets confused easily. Suffers from, diabetes, no thyroid, high blood pressure, possible past stroke, and congestive heart failure and gum disease. Takes medication for all of it, but diet and activity are counter active. Someone with CHF won’t live very long unless they take good care of it Even then the life expectancy is less than 5 years. It keeps me up at night, and often cry because I have to prepare for Moms death at any point from here on. 

Brother; He’s not really here a lot of the time, in a sense he’s sort of lucky he has friends and a social life to get out of the house until he comes home to sleep for work at 12-3am at night. When he is home he doesn’t do anything but sit on his phone and bitch if I ask him to help me clean anything or need something. Forgets to pick me up from work all the time, forgets a lot if it doesn’t involve his friends or his car. Doesn’t do his own laundry and hasn’t cleaned his own room in over a year. Hasn’t washed dishes or taken the trash out or anything home/chore related in months to a year.  Thinks that his share of rent and utilities is all the help he needs to do. (which I am greateful for him helping me help the house financially because his job is a good one). I often tell him from the bottom of my heart everything that I think about, tell him about Mom, tell him it’ll only be me and him down the road for each other. In hopes it sombers him if only a little. I just wish he’d improve as a person in some places. 

Myself: I don’t do much myself, except for working as much as I can. Each night I get home I do a routine of taking care of the animals because Moms bf has stopped feeding the fish he said “were his” even though I maintain and keep the tank clean and running. Dad feeds the dogs, but I bathe them and walk them, brush them etc. Same with the rest of the pets. After they’re taken care of I clean the kitchen if its gross from everyone being in and out of it all day. Take the trash out because it gets piled and everyone thinks “Fuck it” After that I do laundry if needed, and then hop on my computer to do my usual browsing. I’ve started looking for a 2nd job because I can’t afford anything except the bare basics and it leaves me broke 20days out of a month. I’ve also figured out a financial plan to keep the bills paid and rent on time because Mom got us 1000 behind on rent and our utilities would get shut off now and again. We’ve been fine for 3months straight on everything now and have caught up and everyone now pays equal amounts for everything. (Now if I could only get everyone equally sharing housework,  but i’ve barked up that tree before)

In a few hours I plan to deep clean the entire house because it smells like body odor, dog and dirt and dog hair has accumulated since the weather is changing doggos are shedding so it’s a given. I also can’t remember the last time the house was thoroughly cleaned, and not just a tidy and wipe down so it’s due and I know nobody will want to help and think what I’m doing is stupid. But i’m just tired, im tired of feeling like im taking care of child adults, of living in so much negativity I want nothing more then place myself in my own home/apartment/studio whatever I can. I want to take care of myself and my cats. I want to be a functioning person not fighting depression. Everything has built up and piled and piled and I feel so worn down and defeated because I feel like I’m the only one who gives a shit and is trying to maintain some sense, but at the same time I just want to fucking quit. 

I’m afraid that if I leave, if ever, everything here will fall apart. Dogs won’t be cared for, the house will fall into further disseray, Mom won’t be properly cared for and die quicker than she is already. But I keep telling myself you can’t help those who wont help themselves, or dont want it. Just think about myself I say, get out of here build your own life in comfort and security and peace of mind. 

I financially cannot get anywhere in life, I’ve had to teach myself to be an adult from the age of 16 to be responsible, but no one ever taught me financial health. Or security or w/e. I dont know what I’m doing wrong, I dont know where to even begin, I dont know how to get out of here on my own anymore. I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this sickening environment. I dont know who to turn to, where to get to that takes my cats. Even if I found them homes, or placed them in foster care, I still can’t afford to live anywhere on my own because of my own bills. 

what the fuck all of this circulates in my head. I dont know what to do anymore or where to go or what to fucking research I just want help, but im scared I wont know how to take any help, because I’ve engrained in my fucking head that I need to do anything I can to earn the right for someones help that I cant have it unless I’ve earned it. 

I just want to cry, I dont know what to do..I just dont know anymore. I’ve lost touch with my sense of self, I don’t see friends anymore, the only people I see outside of home are the people I work with, I have no life except the one I keep for my pets here. Thats it.