#literally getting sentimental thinking about beef as a product of my mind that shouldnt have made it and Wouldnt without me having

[gemharvest]

I think it's beautiful how humans pull from those around them. Product of your environment type shit. And yeah, this can lead to negatives, but idk. When it leads to positives, the positives are fucking beautiful. It's beautiful to be touched by everything around you.

There is nothing truly original in the act of creation. You are constantly pulling from your interests, what intrigues you, what you want to play with yourself, what you wish would be explored better. What mediums are fun to play around with, what stories do you want to tell. Some might piss and shit themselves over not being able to be "original", but you're aiming for an unachievable goal with that.

I respect OC guys. I see myself as an OC guy, in a sense. Kinda hard not to when I have, like, hundreds of them. And yet I have gravitated towards Beef for months. Made him his own thing. Yet no desire to truly divorce him from his source. He is derivative, the product of the tar in my mind and a Newgrounds homage rhythm game, and yet he is everything to me. He has grown as important to me as my fursona, Karl, and that's weird. I do not normally do this with characters, I usually stomp them out before they turn into proper reinterpretations. There were many times I wanted to do that with wyd!RGB, as they drifted further from being "canon with headcanons for flavor" and more into their own things.

I haven't shut up about Beef being like an OC to me, but he is. He really is. Even if I never sand him off from FNF, even if he stays an AU version of a canon character for as long as he's around, he will be my son. As derivative as he is, as much as another self-proclaimed OC guy may not get it, he is the same to me. He is not canon BF, he does not have a fanbase. It's easier to get people to see him, because I can still fandom tag, but that doesn't mean everyone inherently Gets him. Sees him as something other than a weird Boyfriend redesign. Part of this is on me for not really laying out the AU for people to get into, but idk. This is the OC experience to me. Having so much in my head I just never get around to putting out there.

Like Beef is the product of multiple things- of a fixation, of projected mental illness, of what I find interesting to explore in character dynamics -I am the product of everything around me. A tapestry of experiences I have lived and friends I have made. Maybe sometimes I feel like there isn't a real person at my core, but even then. At least I have the comfort of what those that have passed through my life have given to me.

I see it when I speak, sometimes. the wording i use or the emotes i add. The memes I reference because of a specific moment and inside jokes I think about. Many times now I have said something and seen it after and recognized my friends in my words. The way I say things sounding like this friend or that friend. I feel like my Truest voice is when I'm getting like this, detached and faux-deep sounding. An observer to it all. But that doesn't mean I don't like channeling my friends. It's natural to do that, I think. Maybe natural to notice it more as a neurodivergent person or something, though I'm starting to frame it less as being Fake and more as just. Being human.

I really don't know how to end this I already used my fucking . Tapestry metaphor. I really do just find it beautiful. Find it comforting. I just wanted to ramble about it I think. Let myself Observe in a way more tangible than just the endless rambling in my mind.