#lmao 'live long enough to see urself become the villain'

[bitbrumal]

                                                                   HEADCANON                ↤   khioniya | tsaritsa   ::   OG CONCEPT  ↩

❖  i always started out with one of her reasons for distance from her ppl being she's incapable of choosing her own goals over their happiness if she lets herself get close at all—so she doesn't. she’s commonly in a form of stasis, at the heart of zapolyarny palace: a permanent fixture on the throne. it’s why i refer to her as statuesque & still ( & dusty lol. literally ). while aware, she chooses to be aware not through personal interactions but through her element. it numbs her just enough to keep making the hard choices. an estrangement by fixating on the eternity of the ice & the flickering moments that frolic across it. things die. when she watches from afar, the grief over their momentary loss is a lit match in her being—instead of cause for hysteria.

           she is traumatised & triggered by loss.            lacking mental healthcare, she still does know this.                managing the symptoms = keeping her distance.

                  she understands the trolley problem, but she is so fragile in some ways. a virtue so intense it passes into being a vice: if it’s hurting in front of her & hers, she cannot but do all that can be done to protect it. because someone should. add to that the screaming hysteria of a mind still controlled by past powerlessness... one day i’ll write down how she came to be lol but i’m going with the idea of making her someone who was human & ascended to godhood, which has thoroughly acquainted her with having no option to protect anything - only to endure, & watch others try- & fail -to do the same.

also toying with the whole ‘frozen/stuck in time’ theme because... khioniya vc: & i will simply not let myself move on c: i will honour every cause for sorrow i’ve ever witnessed when all i could do for it is feel—but this is not a conscious consideration. immortality might make one a little... clicks tongue. stagnant? stuck? no... it’s that if you know you will outlive most any changes, there is a point to be made for not changing along.

i think zhongli is a beautiful contrast to that, in that he remains involved with liyue’s evolving culture & so gets to continue to experience new things / stay alive in a shifting landscape while also in touch with the constancy of what lies beneath it. to not get complacent & stagnant. i can imagine an immortal’s life just passing much slower unless they interact with the things that are more fast-paced. preferences would be different for each person of course.

& since khioniya has been given such cause- & such an option -to numb herself, freeze her emotions that they cannot bite into her any more except by making her more numb to them... feeling so deeply & intensely, & having been caused such emotional trauma that the aftershocks just won’t quit-               & a lack of awareness of mental healthcare lmao— AND knowing she’s sacrificing her current nation for the sake of a potential peaceful future for some evolved version of it, or even one utterly separate from it—

yeah she’s staying numb. oh & THEN even if successful, finally to be in a position to mourn the staggering amount of sacrifices that had to be made to accomplish victory in war against celestia? hm! staying numb for millennia to come! if she doesn’t just crack & erode lol~

❖  harmburgers are people she allows herself to get attached to what with their increased resistance to death & various. mainly just bc she’s a) not gonna make it without allowing this ( which is part of why she’s so serene re: conflicting personalities. who cares? she’s dying of starvation. she’ll love. there is one thing she’s never capable of not doing ). b) bc well they ARE the biggest threats to. everything. lol. gotta stay on top of those at least-                 MAKE NO MISTAKE: this sense of connection, responsibility, & a nurturing type of care—does not mean they get along with each other!

[ enter childe = enter complication. ] [ enter la signora = enter complication. ] because they do share at least part of her vision. khioniya keeps the internal conflict to herself.

—but that’s not even the point of this complicated dance with an assortment of monsters. she is just, terminally incapable of not giving a fuck, of not feeling, & of not needing to do so. her harmburgers won’t make her stray from the ultimate goal of sacrificing whatever it takes to bring down celestia & let society develop anew—b e c a u s e they’re the shitbags who are ideologically the antithesis to her feelsy bullshit.                   the need to compensate for this inability to be indifferent, to do & keep doing what it takes to get something done. she understands the trolley problem, but at every moment- let alone each overt step -along the way to sacrificing those present before her for the chance at those that could come after them... every moment is one where all the considerations plague her. there’s too much space in her head not to fill it with all that. the amount of MENTAL PREPARATION required for her to act & follow through is, a lot. this goes for something like using orphans & turning them into soldiers: every moment she knows she could stop that. she could. & she doesn’t. & it fills her head with hell despite how pointless that is. she’s logical enough that the trolley problem motivates her. but also cripplingly sentimental.

          different moods make the choice easier. there’s a lot of rage in there, too. there is bloodlust. there is fury for the fact that human nature allows heinous things- & allows that ever-present apathy she cannot truly wrap her mind around. it’s scary. sometimes the sacrifices hurt in front of her & it only makes the trolley issue easier to tackle. other times it shuts her down completely.

pierro & his organisation are allowed to rule these efforts of world domination for she cannot follow through. in stops & starts, yes- but momentum must be built up to accomplish a feat like this. over recent centuries, she’s grown accustomed to it more. there is momentum built up in one’s coping with trauma as well: the more hell she allows freely despite possessing the power to stop it----well. the more important it is to follow through. the more unhinged she is in battle. the more genuinely she laughs along with her harmburgers.                     she never forgets herself,          but she’s never been a pacifist: violence begets the need for violence; to harm is to call for protection. she’s gotten to a point where some days, everything that dies & perverts by her tacit orders feels like progress. ( it is. ) where someone else’s blood in her mouth can be that of her soldier or that soldier’s enemy—each taste just as good.

she won’t forget what she’s fighting for anytime soon, but man... she’s getting fucked in the head. on a god’s timescale, it’s not far off.

[sunshines-child]

*spins dramatically in chair* god im so tired. sunny ur children have taken over my prefrontal cortex its not funny anymore.

partner in crime - madilyn mei: screams luc to me thinking of his little dove, but also from theos angsty teen perspective. the song fits them both almost like a back and forth conversation (i might make a post actually this is genius lmao). actually now that i think of it it fits u too lol (it has that vintage circus vibe if u will)

why good people become monsters: video essay of sorts exploring the lucifer effect (nuff said lol), but i recommend reading the comments for more insight and perspective. the art and presentation is slightly unsettling and i love it.

random quotes i from the top of my desktop notes: (long read sorry)

"he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." - rainbow valley, l.m montgomery

-> luc and mercy change my mind (u cant hehe)

He said: “Only God can Judge a monster like that… I just set up the appointment”

-> my boi armund snaps (and snaps someones neck oop-)

“hell is empty, all the devils are here” - the tempest, shakespeare

-> this is definately written somewhere on altis lol

… as John [Lennon] told Rolling Stone magazine in 1970, “When it gets down to it, when you’re drowning, you don’t say, ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.”

-> theo fighting his demons and losing :') eventually leading to some fall out with daddy dearest.

"It brings me so much joy to watch someone else get staggered by the full range of human degeneracy. We really do be wildin." - a yt comment lol

->i like to think that while both luc and altis kill in cold blood, for titi its another day job or whatever but for luc he thinks a lot about life and death and morality and corruption and thats what leads him to insanity later on.

classic case of living long enough to see urself as the villain but also a favourite trope of mine where people join the dark side for the cookies out of deep empathy for the wronged victims as opposed to say the violence and injustices they themselves may have experienced.

but also post armunds death luc lets all hell loose because how *dare* anyone lay a finger on his beloved boy?! the angst potential my dear is frankly off the charts and i love them all so much it hurts

anyhows this is for fun & i wanted to share some pebbles with ya

i couldnt resist >:D

I have not a single regret taking over your prefrontal cortex. ITS MINE NOW MWAHAHHAHAHAHA Partners in Crime by Madilyn Mei recognition YAYYYYYYY it’s so fit for their characters I’m in tears RAAAAAAAAAAAA Im not changing your mind you’re cooking. “he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." You’re hurting me it’s so fucking beautiful oh my poor heart and soul he is the very bring of his mother, those calloused hands still flying, desperate to cling onto Mercy’s hands, still desperate to cling upon the hands of his mother who rested his head upon her breast. Armund doesn’t exactly ever…snap. His rage is there, and everyone knows it’s there. He’s the only one getting rid of his rage instead of bottling it down. He’s constantly shrouded by rage. “hell is empty the devils are here” is my knew favorite quote. I’m one of the devils LMAO also yes it is very much inked on Altis (probably his hip) Luc and Altis kill like all hell. And you’re very right on what they feel. Altis feels nothing. It’s just another thing he has to do. No rush, no nothing. He’s just… doing it. Luc in the other hand feels everything. Even when it’s someone he is killing more as a task, he’ll feel a rush of everything, all the thoughts, everything. He knows, oh he knows the mortality of everything, including his own soul. (Also he’s constantly bringing the edge of “what if I just died”. It’s. It’s worrying.) Luc. Luc BREAKS when Armund dies. He loves his son, but in the end there’s no tru nurture still left in it. His son turns away from him, and he draws back his hand and cries. And his little angel, his Armind is there, to give him a true taste of joy despite the life all of them live. And what happens to man without joy?