#lockdowns meaning i couldnt organise things + the incessent anxiety of leaving the houe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

transdib · 1 year

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me: spends the better part of 2 years slowly being online and talking to people less and less, not responding to messages, not organising any irl get togethers or cancelling last minute cuz i cant handle it

me: *feels isolated, depressed, like a failure, feels unloved, feels guilty and nostalgic for the old days, feels ive grown distant from all my loved ones, and have bad cyclic thinking about how maybe this is all for the better and i cant fucking handle seeing anyone and going out is a big fucking effort

me:

#life of doge #this is probably a cry for help lmao idk #im still trying to figure out why this got triggered tho i have a pretty good idea why i think....#but lemme tell you #lockdowns meaning i couldnt organise things + the incessent anxiety of leaving the houe #cuz what if theres covid what if i make my disabled housemate sick #resulting in organising meet ups feeling Abstract and Impossible #plus my neurodivergent arse dedicating every god damn fork i have into having a fulltime job #which not even neurotypical ppl should be expected to balance with personal life #those 2 things are certianly not helping #and coincidentally those 2 things happened within the last 2 years #i was online a lot more bc of lockdowns and before my job #but since starting work ive just. i just cant #those arent the only reasons of course but they certainly are not bloody helping #i miss how things used to be....#here ive been spending years explaining to a loved one that isolation bad #and now im falling into those exact bad cycles and habits and thought patterns #of course its not true isolation like im leaving the house almost every day for work #but just. the wall ive put up and how i practically dont use my phone anymore and im impossible to contact #i hate it. i hate how thats what ive become #and i hate how its probably deteriorated at my relationships #bc it means im not being the friend i want to be #so of course ppl are going to give me the same energy back #of course me feeling unloved and uncared for and moved on from is literally all my fault #i have no one to blame but myself #whatever. im just so fucking over feeling like this.#negative -

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