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#long ass vent ahead in tags; read at your own risk <3
macabrevampire
·
18 days
Text
chat i might be mentally ill ( ↖ guy that's suffered tremendously his entire life and is only getting worse)
#txt
#long ass vent ahead in tags; read at your own risk <3
#being a person who can't function and can't socialize and hasn't been able to find a job is awful :D
#i feel like i'm the most worthless scum on earth. why can't i work. i know i'm unsettling and can't talk normally
#i want to work; i want to socialize
#i want to be human
#but everything i say is wrong; everything i do doesn't amount to anything
#my ocd and anxiety and depression are fucking killing me daily. the compulsions get worse and i get more depressed
#i can't function day-to-day; i struggle to get out of bed
#the world is dirty and no matter how much i clean it doesn't get cleaner
#i'm in so much fucking pain. it doesn't cease; i wake up and it's always something new. today the headache. tomorrow the stomach ache
#next my back hurts almost as if a piano had fallen on it
#my legs ache; my wrists writhe
#the pain in my chest is unbearable; it feels as if my finger had been twisted unnaturally
#dizziness overtakes me; it's hard to breathe; i can't think
#the brain fog and dizziness and compulsions are killing me i think
#disregard the pain for a moment; every single thing i do is interrupted by the evil voice in my head telling me that if i don't set things-
#in the correct order then someone i love dearly will die a most excruciating death and it'll be my fault
#how am i supposed to ignore those compulsions?
#most of mine are centered around death or the vague ''something bad will happen to x person''
#and my skin crawls at the smallest dirty things
#and everyone in this house is so fucking dirty. no one cares to clean after themselves which leaves it to me-
#and it makes me permanently filthy; my skin writhes i can FEEL the layer of disgusting filth just sitting there and no matter how much-
#i wash and wash and wash- it doesn't cease. it's still there. you're still dirty; the shower isn't clean enough; the soap doesn't wash well
#enough. i just want it to be over
#and the stress from my life is making it worse
#i need a job but i'm painfully mentally ill and i don't understand social cues and i'm fucking semi-verbal to boot
#< i struggle with speaking. point blank period. no one accommodates those of us who can't or have a hard time speaking
#whatever man i have GOT to kill myself. the only option i have
0 notes
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