#lopatuk

[findinginga]

A Self-Inflicted Injury…

...that was completely avoidable!

As I was drawing my last entry to a close, I made reference to the multiple dating site profiles which were active for Inga.  Whether she had a direct hand in creating these or, as she claimed, they were created on her behalf, only Ingeborga would know for certain.  However, what cannot be in dispute were the many social media accounts used by Inga on multiple platforms.  Likewise, she maintained several SMS-like accounts as well as email profiles.  What became abundantly clear through our communication was that Inga would not hesitate to abandon any one of these when she believed that the medium may have been compromised/discovered.  

I often wondered why someone would be so intent on breaking into one of her accounts.  Perhaps she was concerned about the reaction of her husband?  Was there a jealously obsessed former lover that she was dodging?  There was always the possibility she was covering her tracks to avoid exposure.  Inga addressed my curiosity by explaining that there had been many attempts to compromise her Google mail and other communication platforms.  For her, she explained, it was a matter of security.  It was an explanation but, as was the case with many of the answers supplied by Inga, there was little to no substance behind her words.  There seemed to be an expectation that her version of the truth would be accepted without challenge.  However, one only needed to consider her liberal use of aliases to be puzzled. 

Among the names Ingeborga used were Jackie Bonny, Anastasia Summer, Anastasia Winter, as well as Ingeborga Sosedova.  No doubt there were more.  During the time that Inga and I were routinely in communication, her preferred email platform was through Gmail.  She has since discontinued this account, likely in favor of a new one but, I will return to this point in a subsequent post.  As I noted previously, it was obvious she needed to feel in control of what people knew and who had access to her.  Did this truly reflect a degree of paranoia suggesting emotional pathology or were these the actions of someone who needed to hide her actions from others?

No, I am not stalling...

Now, I do not wish to give the impression I am procrastinating.  I realize I should advance the story beyond minute details and musings.  While these little detours may help to fill in some of the gaps, I fear I am merely trying to spare myself the embarrassment of further revealing my gullibility.  So, let me get back to the timeline.

I previously offered ample evidence of the need to stand clear of the speeding locomotive headed toward me.  Well, not only did I choose to be willfully oblivious to the onrushing danger, I actually walked out onto proverbial tracks to hasten the catastrophe.  Yes, I stood still only to have the train flatten me, again!  In retrospect, it was a real Wile E. Coyote move.

Encountering the Inga Express

As I wrote in my last entry, I elected to give Ingeborga a pass for everything up to that point in time.  It did not matter to me that she was married.  I was able to rationalize her marital status as a reflection of an unhappy marriage and her desire to seek a better life.  My acceptance of this ignored the real possibility that Inga was involved in criminal activity.  Whether alone or in concert with members of her family, she deliberately misled and falsified information for her own gain.  Disregarding these consequential factors, I was offering Ingeborga immunity, which she readily accepted.

Becoming an enabler...

After enduring an awkward week, Inga and I settled back into our routine pattern of email exchanges.  The volume was slow at first but then built back to pre-confrontation levels.  Normal of our interactions were discussions of clothes, particularly dresses.  Our discussions included her soliciting my opinions about her fashion choices with Inga including email attachments of dresses, lingerie and the like.  Victoria Secret, Zara and Selkie were websites she favored.  Inga would gleefully browse and add to her electronic shopping cart while I would finish the transaction by entering my credit card and shipping information.

In an effort to avoid having me reship items to an address where I knew she did not reside, Inga discovered the option of using a reshipper.  Rather than enter my residence as the delivery address, the contact information of the reshipper was used as her mailing address.  Once I placed the order, purchased items were sent to the service which would then contact Ingeborga.  She would pay a fee and the reshipper would repackage the items and forward them on to her in Pskov.  Inga would argue that this process avoided the inconvenience of me taking time from my work day to package and seal a shipping container to be sent on by the US Postal Service.  Of course, it really had the effect of blinding me to the actual destination.

Why was I so eager to be complicit in this make believe? 

[findinginga]

The Secret to Happiness: Low Expectations

No point to being perpetually angry...

There is an old joke about a child who receives a huge load of horse manure as a gift.  Rather then expressing disappointment and anger over such an appalling gift, the child dives into the pile with enthusiasm and begins to burrow through the smelly load.  When asked why, the child responded, "with this much horse manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"  Well, there was a child with huge optimism and high expectations.  However, reality would soon temper that enthusiasm.

After dealing with Ingeborga over the previous year, it was clear that the best I was going to get were repeated deliveries of horse manure.  To continue interacting with her then I had to lower my expectations and realize that there was no pony waiting to be discovered.  Or, as Meatloaf once sang in "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad', "...there ain't no Coupe De Ville hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack box..." 

So, after an emotional reset and arriving at a decision that the only way I would actually learn anything about what was really happening, it would be necessary to meet Inga, in person.  This required I dial back my emotional thermostat and once again to allow a return to baseline in our interactions.  I knew that Inga would not continue to revisit the issues with which I confronted her as she was doing her best to avoid the discussion when it was fresh.  Predictably, an air of normalcy returned to our "discussions" with only the most superficial of topics discussed.

Time to make plans

Inga and I talked about the potential of me visiting Russia.  I shared with her a long-standing desire to see Russia, especially Moscow and St. Petersburg as I am a voracious reader of history and wanted an opportunity to visit some of those storied places.  The greatest challenge for me at the time was I had consulting contracts with two separate clients.  Finding a window of time that would be acceptable to both clients would prove a challenge.  Inga talked of her challenges with Eva needing to be in school.  I wondered if a trip to Pskov might prove to be easier for Inga and Eva and result in less disruption.  Well, actually, my suggestion to travel to Pskov was two-fold.  Indeed, I did want to minimize travel and schedule issues for Inga and Eva but I also wanted to test the reaction of Inga to having me in the same town in which she lived.  It was no surprise she emphatically rejected the option.

Inga proposed that St. Petersburg would be a better option as she claimed that there was more to see and do.  In addition, Inga reminded me that her brother and sister-in-law lived in St. Petersburg and it would be an opportunity for she and Eva to visit them as well.  Having Inga validate my assumptions about Pskov, St. Petersburg was a perfectly acceptable option for me as it was a destination in which I had interest, it would be easier for me to travel and it was also the location of the offices of the private investigator I had retained.

With the destination of our meeting settled it was necessary to decide on the dates of my visit.  Unfortunately, the earliest I could travel was late October.  This was not the best time of the year to visit St. Petersburg as their extreme northern location would almost guarantee early winter-like weather.  However, I was determined to make the trip and began the process of arrangements to travel.  These arrangements included a visa to enter Russia as a tourist as well as securing a hotel, temporary medical insurance and COVID testing.

Over the weeks preceding my departure, Inga and I discussed things to do while I was in St. Petersburg.  She had several suggestions for what I should visit and I was doing my own travel research as well. 

Then it happened...

During one of our discussions I asked Inga to give her opinion regarding potential hotels.  I was researching their locations, prices and amenities and solicited the opinion of Inga as to which was the best option.  Among the things I noted was that a suite might be more convenient.  I encouraged her to think about what would be comfortable for her and Eva.  It was then that Inga announced that she had no intention of staying in a hotel with me.  Clearly, Inga had concluded that my intention was to cohabitate and she was incensed that I would suggest such a thing with her daughter (then 4 years) being in the room.  She stated repeatedly that she did not want Eva exposed to such a thing.

(Recall that this blog post referred to low expectations.  Indeed, I had no expectations of physical intimacy with Inga during the trip.  If it were to happen, I would be pleased but Inga never conveyed any interest and actually deflected topics of sex and intimacy on most occasions.)

Despite my attempts to clarify that a suite would have been multiple rooms and that it was perfectly fine to have a separate room for herself and Eva, if that was her preference, Inga announced that she already made arrangements to stay with her brother during my visit.  This initially struck me as peculiar given that she explained her brother and sister-in-law lived in the far north edge of the city and travel into central St. Petersburg was difficult.  I reminded her of this and argued it would be more convenient for all if she accepted a hotel option; however, she would not relent.  (It is important to keep this in mind as you read forward as this issue would resurface in another form.)

Almost time to travel...

October arrived and my passport was returned from the Russian Consulate in Washington bearing a Russian Federation multi-entry visa.  I had secured a cheap business class fare from New York to London to Helsinki with a short flight from Helsinki to St. Petersburg.  I assembled my things and several gifts and awaited my travel date - 21 October 2021.

A small wrinkle in the plans...

[findinginga]

Every broken heart has screamed at one time or another: "Why can't you see who I truly am?" (Shannon L. Alder)

I Could Just Walk Away...I Should Just Walk Away...

As I wrote in my last post, it was painfully clear that Ingeborga could not be trusted to produce an honest accounting of her life.  Even confronted with significant evidence of her actions, she resisted the truth as a child might protest a trip to the pediatrician.  After another dustup with Inga, I was again shown a clear exit path.  I owed her nothing.  I had been wronged an was the injured party.  There was no reason to even consider hanging about and waiting for the next blow to land.  

To compound the hurt, the "salt in the wound" as it is said, was the fact that Inga offered no apology.  There were no words of regret or any acknowledgement on her part that she had caused harm.  Her lack of any demonstrable remorse was infuriating but also very curious.  As angered as I was about her attack on my integrity I was also considering the reasons why she was seemingly so oblivious to her own actions.  Shame or embarrassment did not appear to be a part of her emotional armamentarium. Those with narcissistic personal disorder (NPD) have been described as avoiding shame.  Their actions do take a toll on their self-esteem but rather than acknowledging their missteps, they open their NPD toolkits and project, deflect and gaslight in order to avoid introspection.

...No I Should Run Away...

 It did seem that running away was the perfect response as I considered all that I ever heard from folks in the psych world about the challenges working with NPD and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) patients.  Their pathology can be fatiguing to a clinician.  Long-term prognosis has always been thought of as unlikely.  There are some providers who avoid working with clients exhibiting the sorts of symptoms that are common to these personality disorders.

If you are interested in learning more about NPD, please have a look at this and other videos by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEfS-_a21kk

Why Bother?

If being a partner and a lover had been ruled out by Inga, then I wanted to have my questions answered.  Paramount for me was learning about her true motivations for her actions.  What had happened in her life to bring her to the point where she was so cavalier in her personal interactions.  Alternatively, were she and Denis simply engaged in a scam?

Despite the hiring of a private investigator and the photos and videos of Inga and Denis together, there was no way to really know whether Denis was involved or if he was merely being manipulated by Inga.  There was no way to determine if it was a loving relationship or a marriage of convenience.

There was also the obvious fact that my communications with Inga had taken place on her terms and there was never the benefit of assessing her reactions in real time.  It was clear to me that while I may not be able to answer all of those questions that were swirling about in my mind, I did have to option to meet her, in person, and at the very least gather some impressions of Inga in face-to-face meetings. 

So, time to plane for a trip to Russia!

[findinginga]

New Revelations Resulting in More Deflection

Was it Really Jealousy?

It was a Sunday afternoon and as it was typical of my weekend discussions with Inga, she was distracted.  This was just something about weekends that I began to notice in my interactions with her.  Inga was less engaged and her replies to my messages were often delayed.  Perhaps because I was armed with this new information about her trip to Yaroslavl, I was more irritable and was looking for a confrontation.  I was greatly annoyed (okay, incensed) that she lied to me about most elements of the trip.  

She concocted an elaborate story about traveling with Eva and her friend.  She lied about how she traveled and where she resided while in Yaroslavl.  Her original story was that the three of them were to stay at a hotel in town and she would travel daily to attend the classes in which she was enrolled.  But that story did not survive long before it morphed into her staying at the school.  She lied about the return trip to the point where she created a fiction with Eva causing difficulties.  The fact was that Inga travelled to and from Yaroslavl alone.  There was no drama of the sort Ingeborga spun from her imagination.

I suppose one could arrive at the conclusion that I was reacting as a jealous lover might under the circumstances.  Of course, we had never been lovers in the physical sense.  Perhaps that statement should be modified to read that we had not been lovers in any sense.  Inga only declared love for me on one occasion and that, I regret to write, actually took a little guilt-tripping to exact.  Hardly a satisfying moment to be sure.

Somewhere I read a description of unrequited love as "blissful torture".  However, the one-sided nature of a relationship that never evolves can be supremely frustrating.  One cannot help but feel the fool and that Sunday afternoon, with the knowledge that Inga had been grossly dishonest, it was time to confront her with hard evidence.

She Finally Caved...

Ingeborga, when confronted, is capable of unleashing an arsenal of coping strategies that she apparently acquired over the years.  Basically, she maintains the toolbox of a narcissist using denial, deflection, rationalization and gaslighting to shift the focus from the issue at hand.  In my opinion, she is quite skilled and frequently had me questioning my own memory and even questioning the integrity if the investigators I hired.  It is amazing how easy it is to fall into this trap and the more you want to believe someone, the more you care or the more they are meeting your needs, the easier it is question even hard evidence.

Despite me deviating from the topic a few times because of her counter arguments and gaslighting, I finally extracted an admission from Inga that she was married and living with Denis.  However, even this came with a quick declaration, "...but I do not sleep with him...".  I suppose that this was intended to put a more positive spin on her repeated lies regarding her marital status.  Her declaration, unfortunately, resulted in me pondering even more questions and the first that popped into my mind was to ask her with who she does sleep because there was no way I was believing that this woman was practicing celibacy.  Anyone as manipulative as she was using someone and because she had used me, it was reasonable to conclude there were multiple people being used.

What Next?

After a heated exchange with Ingeborga, I made the decision that it would be better for me to withdraw.  I had no expectations that she would ever be honest with me.  I had no expectations that I would ever be more than an Internet acquaintance for her and likely one of many, at that.

After a couple of days to cool off, I decided that my need to know the whole story would consume me.  Was she a sociopath?  Certainly she displayed the requisite elements that the DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Version 5) would indicate of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The question in my mind was whether this was exclusively NPD.  To answer that question it would be necessary to continue to engage with her.

Okay, I need a plan.

[findinginga]

Something worthy of consideration...

...and likely was the truth!

After all of what I have outlined to this point, it must be clear that there was enough self-delusion to go around for all parties.  Inga possessed her own and this was evidenced by her confabulations.  I was exhibiting mine with every poor decision I made.  It was immaterial that I could not sort out her motivations as her behavior was not tolerable, regardless of the underlying source.  Whether emotional pathology, blatant criminal intent or some amalgam of the two, there was ample evidence to catalogue.  Yet, I continued to set myself up for more.

Welcome to the "Friend Zone"

In those little talks I would have with myself, common sense would lose out to a host of rationalizations.  The one which most often carried the day at that point in time, was that with attention, support and demonstrations of love and respect, Inga would slowly abandon her obvious emotional detachment.  But, this was the time I really needed to admit to myself what was driving my willful blindness.  Much of this, sadly, was rooted in my initial reactions to Inga's profile.  Despite her light-hearted words, there was a sense of despair, which was palpable.  Her photos suggested a certain vulnerability and frailness.  Without knowing anything about her I had decided that I wanted her as a partner - a friend and a lover.  The fact that she appeared to eagerly anticipate our exchanges gave me hope that a loving relationship would evolve.  What was actually taking place was that I had entered "The Friend Zone".  The emotional detachment I was feeling was not Inga demonstrating fear of a romantic relationship.  It was a deliberate decision to negate any chance of an intimate relationship.  After all, Inga claimed that she had cohabitated with five men.  If true, she was not afraid to get involved.

Many men have experienced this phenomenon if they have been active in the dating world.  This is especially true if you are a person who exhibits sincere empathy and concern.  Without getting into the "hot girl/bad boy" debate, a woman may simply decide that you are a better resource as a friend then you would ever be as a lover.  This helps to explain why my declarations of love and concern for Inga were never reciprocated with words or actions.  Of course, someone who has genuine loving feelings does not emotionally abuse.  I should not ignore this point either.

Let us not forget...

There is a difference between making a claim that age does not matter and then finding yourself with a potential partner 20 or 30 years your senior.  It becomes more than an argument that age is just a number.  Age differences have consequences.

Ultimately, my desire to be with Inga, regardless of the obstacles placed before me, pushed me forward. Was I simply being propelled by the desire to attain the unobtainable? 

I embraced willful ignorance in order to keep myself available to pursue her.  But with every ignored signpost, the cost, both financial and emotional, would increase.  If Inga was not intellectually aware of this, she certainly sensed it in a predatory way.

Let's look at some real evidence!

[findinginga]

“Time passed again. I don't know how long…

...I had no watch. They don't make that kind of time in watches anyway.” (Raymond Chandler, Farewell My Lovely)

The quote referenced in the title was uttered by Philip Marlowe as he was fighting a drug-induced stupor and drifting in and out of consciousness.  My problem was that I was stupefied by what I thought was love.  I am not sure which addiction is tougher to battle but I know that I was willing to make concessions to Ingeborga that any right-minded person would have rejected in a heartbeat.  

In an effort to continue my relationship with Inga I explained to her that I was willing to forgive her transgressions.  Keep in mind that Inga offered no form of apology.  Even having been caught in flagrant lies, she never conceded and never apologized. This would be her lone consistency.  But, I continued to convince myself that the situation was salvageable and there were likely good explanations that would emerge with time and nurturing.  (Yes, open the dictionary under N and skim the pages for "naive" and you will find my photo!)

In a previous post I attempted to explain some of the inner workings of dating/marriage sites.  I also wrote that a profile for Ingeborga existed on multiple sites which was not an uncommon finding.  The question was, were these active accounts or, as Inga would later claim, were these created by the agency with which she had contracted without her knowledge?  Even for my love addled brain the latter question pushed the boundaries of credulity.  If my self-esteem was not already as low as the belly of a snake, it would be driven completely subterranean.  

During a series of email exchanges late in the evening Moscow time, I noticed that there were long gaps in her replies.  When I mentioned this Inga attributed the delays to her internet provider.  This was a plausible explanation until she began to respond with what seemed to be non sequiturs.  It seemed more likely that the delays and tangential responses were due to Inga juggling multiple simultaneous conversations.  I checked the other sites where it had been discovered that Inga had profiles and, on one, her profile indicated that she was active and online.  

Okay, I am not proud of this...

The following day, I created an fake account on the site where I had discovered her the night before and struck up a communication with her.  She responded promptly and I was careful to ask questions of her that would validate her identity.  In my mind there was no doubt that Inga was still actively engaged on at least one of these sites and, perhaps more.

When I confronted Inga with this information (yes, confronted again!) she denied her involvement and was quick to blame her agency.  She claimed that the agency was using her profile without her permission.  She assured me that she would address this.  Now, it is interesting to note that whenever I identified a website or post that contained suspicious information, Inga was quick to close the questionable account, without hesitation.  One might think of this as being responsive, but I have come to understand that she has a compulsion to control what information is available about her as well as who may have access.  This again points to her obsession with control and her image.

Is that a light in the distance or an oncoming train?

[findinginga]

I Know What You Are Thinking...

...this guy is the biggest mark ever!

At the close of my last entry, I suspect that I left the impression that my sole motivation in continuing to correspond with Ingeborga was untangling a tantalizing mystery. Let us consider some of the great film noir movies for an equally compelling rationale. Give some thought to "Double Indemnity" or "The Postman Always Rings Twice". Walter Neff and Frank Chambers were not trying to unravel a whodunit in these respective cinema classics. Indeed, Walter was thunderstruck by Phyllis and Frank was captivated by Cora. The attention of each of the male characters was not focused upon the cerebral. Rather, Phyllis and Cora dripped sensuality. It was palpable and on full display just waiting for a Walter or Frank to happen along. So, yes, I will freely admit that the free-spirit nature that Inga exuded along with her attractive, seductive photos "spoke" to me in that place where most men are most vulnerable. As Chandler wrote of Philip Marlowe "She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket."

Scene from "Double Indemnity"

Scene from "The Postman Always Rings Twice"

It is true that my decisions were highly influenced by my desire for more than email or text exchanges. Honestly, I was not looking for a pen pal or to be relegated to the "friend zone". I wanted her physically and based upon some of the things she initially wrote, it seemed that an intimate relationship was of mutual interest. As was the case with femme fatales such as Phyllis or Cora or the more contemporary Mattie Walker (Body Heat), Inga was well aware of her impact on men.

Scene from "Body Heat"

Among the many email exchanges Inga and I shared there were the typical series of questions I posed to her related to her relationship past. Just as with the rest of her history, Inga was calculating with her responses. She provided just enough information to answer my questions but seriously skimped on the detail. I was not certain at first if the brevity of her replies was a sign that she was shy about matters of sex and intimacy or she was attempting to cast a mysterious sort of aura regarding her past. Undermining all of this was the ability of Inga to be highly provocative on rare occasions.

One such conversation involved the number of sexual partners each of us had in our past. From my perspective, this discussion is a normal part of getting to know someone for whom you have thoughts of intimacy. Some men place a great deal of emphasis on the number of partners a woman may have had reasoning that the higher the number the less committed a person may be. For me, the actual number was not important but the way in which a woman responds to the question can be quite revealing. When I asked Inga the question, a few minutes passed before a reply. She stated that she had ten sexually intimate relationships in her history and none of them were with married men. I thanked her for her reply and attempted to assure her that this was not an issue for me. I casually began to relate some of the responses I had received from other women with significant "body counts" as it can be crudely termed. Inga then shared that she had a friend/coworker who managed to bed every man from the office. Now, as a health care provider, any anecdote that begins with "I have a friend..." is immediately suspect. Further casting doubt on whether this happened or, Inga was really "the friend", related to a previous statement Inga made that she was the only woman in the office.

Inga personified the very definition of femme fatale. She was seductive, alluring and certainly had the ability to lead a man into a compromising position. While it is true a Russian woman would not think of even dashing to the market without makeup and sporting sweats. Inga seemed to exude something more than a desire to dress smartly. She had a particular fascination for dresses, especially of the frilly design a la Selkie fashions. Ingeborga was determined not to wear the same dress more than once and maintained quite the wardrobe. (I contributed to her passion by purchasing or allowing her to purchase what she desired, but I will elaborate on this in future entries.) She was attractive and knew she did not have to expend effort to get attention.

Undoubtedly, Inga had captivated me just as Walter Neff, Frank Chambers and Ned Racine were drawn in by their own femme fatales.

[findinginga]

Allow Me to Digress...

...for a few words about Internet dating sites

I have been attempting to recount my experiences with Ingeborga chronologically to allow the story to unfold as I experienced it.  However, in my last entry I made reference to dating sites so; it seems a reasonable place to take a small detour and discuss these and my research of them.

I have no doubt that there are others who can speak to this topic more comprehensively than I and welcome any feedback on the topic.  As I have previously written, I saw a photo of Inga displayed in a sidebar advertisement on my web browser.  This was before I started using DuckDuckGo, which does a tremendous job of blocking a lot of the noise.  But, at the time, I was using one of the more popular browsers and was subject to the algorithms at work.  If I browsed a review for new footwear, I could be sure to see multiple ads appear highlighting the very model I was browsing.  The algorithms did not fail when I read a story which accompanied a local Chicago news report regarding the successes and perils of online dating.  The advertisement bearing a photo of Inga led me to a site named Merry-Cherry, a website hosted in a Caribbean nation immune to US regulation.  This is generally true of many dating sites as in this way they are able avoid prosecution for fraud.  The target audience for these sites are older Western men.  In the case of Merry-Cherry their portfolio featured young women from Slavic countries. Of course, there are others that highlight young women from Asia or from Latin America.  It is not uncommon for multiple sites to be owned and operated by the same offshore company and to share the same collection of female "clients".

How do they work?

The modus operandi for these services is to assemble a profile catalogue of young, attractive women from countries where it may be reasonable to trigger thoughts in an older man that he could be the "knight in shining armor" for some beautiful damsel in distress.  An older Western man may still harbor the memories of news accounts detailing oppressive Soviet regimes with citizens tunnelling under border fences or risking their lives in a mad dashes to Western freedom.  For these men, regardless of their age, health or economic status, it would be easy to convince themselves that a beautiful, voluptuous 21-year-old would give up everything for a chance at life in the West.  After all, their profile states they are considering men into their 70's.

To be sure, there are some sites that are of the no frills design.  They may charge a flat fee for a specified number of days, months or annual form of subscription.  There are other sites which allow men to freely browse available women and then pay for a block of credits to communicate through letters or chats.  If one takes the time to read all the disclaimers posted under the legal notices section of the website, services explicitly state that a man may not be communicating with the woman they selected.  They claim that because of language barriers, a surrogate may be used.  So, a man may be pouring his heart out to the woman of his dreams when, in fact, he may be corresponding with someone who is paid a fee for translation services.  Prior to the military catastrophe initiated by Putin, one could search online media in Ukraine and Russia to discover "help wanted" advertisements for real-time social media translators which local agents employ.

The operators of the many dating sites will deny that they pay anything to the women who have their profiles posted.  To be fair, there may be no actual direct interaction between the site owner/operator and the woman client.  Instead, the site operators forge agreements with local agents to recruit women.  The local agent may assist in assembling a photo array and employing a professional photographer.  The agent may provide a wardrobe for the photo shoot and the agent is the conduit between the site and the client.  Most importantly, it is the job of the local agent to screen a potential woman client to validate identity and intent.  In return, the local agent gets a cut of what a man may spend on credit purchases or gifts.  The local agent has an incentive to cheat to generate more earnings while the site owner can maintain their innocence of fraudulent activity.  This plausible deniability allows the website operator to maintain their position that they provide no financial incentive to those who have their profiles posted.  But, you can only imagine the weasel words they use when confronted about their agreements with the local agents.

In addition to the bait and switch that takes place relative to communication between couples, there are fictitious profiles which proliferate these sites.  Photos are stolen from social media, such as Instagram.  High profile Instagram influencers are often targets as their accounts contain scores of photos in exotic locations.  The women are beautiful and the photos are often provocative and highly stylish.  Of course, this is all chum in the water to attract lonely men and entice them to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to purchase credits.

Why Is This Relevant?

I realize that I have given a lot of detail that does not seem to advance my recounting of events with Inga but it is helpful for context.  Keep in mind, evidence was uncovered that Denis (husband of Inga), Olga (mother of Inga) and Inga herself were all connected with dating/marriage services.  They all certainly learned the "tricks of the trade".

[findinginga]

"Не верить на слово, проверять строжайше…" (V.I. Lenin)

"Put no faith in words; subject everything to the closest scrutiny..." (V.I. Lenin)

Before anyone decides to write a hateful criticism, I completely acknowledge that I am applying this quote of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin out of context.  Without opening a political science Pandora's Box, Lenin was exhorting the Marxist worker with his words.  I, in a very apolitical way, apply Lenin's words to the lessons I have learned in my interactions with Ingeborga Alexandrova Reshetnikova (nee Lopatuk?, Lopatiuk?, Lopatyuk?) over the previous couple of years. 

Equally applicable is the Russian proverb, "доверяй, но проверяй" (approximate translation: "Trust but verify").  This phrase was popularized in the West when Ronald Reagan used it in a speech related to bilateral nuclear arms de-escalation.  But while I claim no diplomatic service experience, I certainly was aware that Inga's words could not be trusted.  She was capable of spinning even the most preposterous story at will.  No investment of my time, no demonstration of my emotional support, no gifts would result in a more emotionally open Inga.  Ernest Hemingway may have had a point when he wrote" The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." but he never dealt with Inga.  Above the long abandoned desire for an intimate relationship with Inga, I was determined to create a mutual atmosphere of support and trust.  As "Ace" Rothstein said, "When you love someone, you've gotta trust them.  There's no other way.  You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours.  Otherwise, what's the point?" (Casino - 1995)  Well, if you have viewed the movie then you know how well that worked out for "Ace".

It was time to wind things down...

Upon receiving the report from PI Labs in late September 2022 as to the living arrangements and day-to-day activities of Inga, I was welcoming the temporary assignment in Chicago.  I was hopeful  the work and time in my hometown would serve to ground me once again.  I was not looking forward to a potentially cold Chicago Winter, but the ability to attend cultural events, dine at my favorite restaurants and drop in on some jazz sets at The Green Mill and  Andy's strongly overrode my dislike for the bitter cold.

In late October, Inga announced that she was planning a trip to St. Petersburg.  Eva had been asking to visit with her uncle (Nikita) and his wife and relatively new baby.  Inga wrote that this would also be an opportunity for her to visit the Consulate of Cypress, as well.  Her plan was to arrive on 3 November and remain until 6 or 7 November. Extending the stay to the 7th was dependent upon the need for Eva to attend school that day.  I contacted Mikhail at PI Lab with the information Inga shared about her travel plans.  I was primarily interested in Inga's follow through with her stated desire to secure a visa to travel to Cyprus.  Mikhail assigned the new scope of work to an operative and pledged to inform me of the results.

Inga IM'd me a few times on 3 November to tell me about the trip to St. Petersburg.  In particular, Inga wrote of the difficulties she experienced in traveling on the bus.  She explained that they decided to take Monika (their dog) along on the trip.  Monika was apparently restless on the bus and made for an unpleasant time.  I received only a few messages from Inga over the following days as, no doubt, she was busy with family.  With her return to Pskov on 7 November, a fairly normal stream of communications resumed.  Inga explained that she did not have the opportunity to visit the consulate and would need to return in the near future.

As the days passed in November, I was preparing for my trip and three month stay in Chicago.  I planned to leave on 4 December in order to be in town and ready for an onsite meeting Monday, 5 December.  It was necessary to leave my home clean and secured during my absence as well as gather together the essentials for my stay.

The week before my planned departure, I received a report from PI Lab regarding the trip Inga and Eva made to St. Petersburg a couple of weeks prior.  The following are excerpts:

We received information from the surveillance cameras of the St. Petersburg city monitoring centre. The monitoring centre checked the movement for the Skoda or Volvo vehicles registered to Denis. According to the centre, Skoda car number E 244 KU 60 was recorded by surveillance cameras.  On 3 November 2022, in the evening, the vehicle arrived in the city of St. Petersburg. On 06 November 2022, in the morning, the vehicle started driving from 11/9 Repischeva Street.  In between these days the vehicle did not move through the city.  The route departing the city started on 06 November from one of the addresses of Ingeborga's brother - 19 Repischeva street. 

Investigators also checked information you supplied that Ingeborga and Eva (and possibly Denis) went to the children's entertainment center, Smile Park. We found a photo of Eva at the centre. The photograph was taken on 04 November 2022. 

Reading the latest report submitted by Mikhail and his team caused me to laugh aloud.  I could not understand why Inga would bend herself into a pretzel with such an elaborate story.  Adding poor little Monika into the fable was the topper for me.  The report simply confirmed that there was an ongoing relationship between Inga and Denis even after their dubious divorce.  The issue of securing a visa was again given no priority confirming, once more, Inga did not appear to have serious intentions.

Time for me to hit the road and make the 14 hour road trip to Chicago...

[findinginga]

How It All Began

Late August 2000

I am sure you have all had the experience of online shopping or searching for a particular item only to have a series of ads from vendors attempting to sell you the very item for which you were browsing. Such was the case with my first Inga encounter.

A sweet and innocent appearing face linked to an online dating site. I, somewhat naively, followed the link where I was presented with her full profile and a set of wholesome photos. She seemed a happy and carefree spirit.

At the time of my encounter with her online profile she was 32 and I 65 which, I admit was a shocking age disparity. However, as I was to learn, it is quite typical for online profiles such as hers to encourage responses from men as old as 75. Nevertheless, her relative youth gave me pause as did the fact that she claimed she was a single mother with a daughter who was soon to have her fifth birthday.

Perhaps the biggest obstacle of all was that Inga and her daughter are Russian and live in the northwest corner of the country a few hours drive from St. Petersburg. If I were to draw an analogy to an ocean-side beach in the midst of a storm requiring double red flag warnings, these were the waters into which I ventured and attempted to swim.

Now, I should tell you a little about me to serve as some reference. I am one of those people who would be referred to as an empath. I am easily drawn to situations and people who are at risk or are in need. As a result, I take on burdens that many would not. In the case of Inga, I wanted to know more about her because I could sense there was a story and I wanted to know the details. Frankly, knowing the details was the goal I pursued over the subsequent three years.

Finding Inga... Against my better judgement, despite being armed with a host of reasons to cut and run right there, I purchased credits on the dating site in an effort to meet Inga. I wrote a brief note of introduction emphasizing the sizable age gap and the considerable geographical distance separating us. Certainly, I did not attempt to sell her on the notion of a reply. Indeed, I was fully expecting no response and was willing to forget the matter. Having done some reading about dating sites featuring Eastern European women, I was already suspicious that I had merely encountered one of the many variations of sites stealing photos and profiles of Instagram accounts and from other dating sites. I was surprised to find a reply from Inga in my mailbox the very next day. Okay, I am understating my reaction. I was actually thrilled to have received a response the very next day even if the note seemed artificial in nature. The content immediately brought to mind the sort of automated letter sent by a human resources department in response to a job application. Despite this, I quickly dashed off another note. After two days, I received a new reply from Inga. This message appeared to have been written specifically for me. Inga expressed her desire to know more about me.

This was the start of what would come to be a three year melodrama.