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finalgirlfall · 10 months

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I had been out. On my return, meeting Dorcas on the stairs—Your lady in her chamber, Dorcas? In the dining-room, sir: and if ever you hope for an opportunity to come at a letter, it must be now. For at her feet I saw one lie which, by its opened folds, she has been reading, with a little parcel of others she is now busied with. All pulled out of her pocket, as I believe: so, sir, you'll know where to find them another time. I was ready to leap for joy, and instantly resolved to bring forward an expedient which I had held in petto; and entering into the dining-room with an air of transport, I boldly clasped my arms around her as she sat (she huddling up her papers in her handkerchief all the time, the dropped paper unseen): Oh my dearest life, a lucky expedient have Mr. Mennell and I hit upon just now. In order to hasten Mrs. Fretchville to quit the house, I have agreed, if you approve of it, to entertain her cook, her housemaid and two men-servants (about whom she was very solicitous) till you are provided to your mind. And that no accommodations may be wanted, I have consented to take the household linen at an appraisement. ... Oh my beloved creature, will not this be agreeable to you? I am sure it will—It must—And clasping her closer to me, I gave her a more fervent kiss than ever I had dared to give her before: but still let not my ardour overcome my disgression; for I took care to set my foot upon the letter and scraper it farther from her, as it were behind her chair. She was in a passion at the liberty I took. Bowing low, I begged her pardon, and stooping still lower, in the same motion took [the letter] up and whipped it in my bosom. ... For here, the letter being unfolded, I could not put it into my bosom without alarming her ears, as my sudden motion did her eyes—Up she flew in a moment: Traitor! Judas! her eyes flashing lightning, and a perturbation in her eager countenance, so charming!—What have you taken up?—And then, what for both my hears I durst not to have done to her, she made no scruple to seize the stolen letter, though in my bosom. Beg-pardon apologies were all that now remained for me on so palpable a detection. I clasped her hand, which had hold of the ravished paper, between mine: Oh my beloved creature! can you think I have not some curiosity? Is it possible you can be thus for ever employed; and I loving narrative letter-writing above every other species of writing, and admiring your talent that way, should not (thus upon the dawn of my happiness, as I presume to hope) burn with a desire to be admitted into so sweet a correspondence? Let go my hand!—stamping with her pretty foot. ... Having gone thus far, loath, very loath was I to lose my prize—Once more I got hold of the rumpled-up letter!—Impudent man! were her words; stamping again: for God's sake, then it was!—I let go my prize, lest she should faint away: but had the pleasure first to find my hand within both hers, she trying to open my reluctant fingers. How near was my heart, at that moment, to my hand, throbbing to my fingers' ends, to be thus familiarly, although angrily, treated by the charmer of my soul! (L175, robert lovelace to john belford, emphasis mine)

cut for trauma talk + self-harm mention

thinking about the time M. biked to my house (because i said i was going to hurt myself) and when he noticed a journal in my room he threatened to read it—held it out of my reach, laughed at how he could hold both of my wrists in one of his. when he got home he said he would have kissed me in my room but he knew i didn't want him to. i wonder if he was thinking the same sort of things then as lovelace is apparently thinking in this passage.

#*#literature #samuel richardson #clarissa #a cruel angel's thesis

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