#luckily for me though I've come across a small amount of these people but man

[unseededtoast]

Turtle Doves | Joel Miller

Part Twenty

Chapter Directory

Series Summary: In which two broken souls connect so deeply, that if one should perish, the other would surely die of a broken heart. (slow burn, timeline changes. After TLOU1, before TLOU2, assumed knowledge of infected, uses elements from both show and game)

Series Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, and sexual content.

Also cross posted on my Wattpad and AO3, if you prefer those formats. Here is a link to my masterlist for everything else I’ve posted.

Thoughts of Joel's smell, his soft eyes, and his chocolate curls filling my mind for once instead of death.

After three days of sleeping almost around the clock, Joel is finally awake for more than twenty minutes. There are bags under his eyes from exhaustion, his body has been working overtime to heal himself. I've been doing my best at keeping the wound clean and ensuring it doesn't get infected. Luckily, the amateur sutures I did are holding up fairly well. If I had to guess, I'd say we can probably get back on the road in about two days.

With the excessive amount of free time I've had, I've dedicated myself to making sure our security measures are as air-tight as they can be. Though during this time my mind has liked to drift into thoughts about the T group, trying to come up with any new revelations about these people. The same information circulates my mind, and unfortunately nothing new is coming to me. I know Joel needs to heal, but there's a part of me that's itching to find these people. Bloodlust has never really been my thing, that is until very recently, where I find myself wanting to slit every last throat that's branded with a T.

My nightmares have not ceased, if anything, they've only gotten worse. The dead children are no longer just dead, but my mind has conjured twisted, gruesome images of decomposing flesh. Their bodies are being returned to nature, and people's memories of them are beginning to fade. Just as I had feared. But I will not, and cannot, begin to forget these children.

"What are you thinking about?" Joel's gravelly voice breaks my train of thought. I blink a few times to process his question, caught off guard by his voice.

"Oh, um. Nothing." I keep my answer atypically short, but as a man of few words himself, I hope he understands. He nods his head once, his eyes still trained on my face.

"That scowl says otherwise." He points out the deep crease between my eyebrows. My fingers come up to smooth out the dent. My eyes meet his across the room, and I'm not sure what to say. I sure don't want to admit I was daydreaming about homicide.

"Just got a little lost I guess." I try to crack a small smile, to keep things lighthearted.

"Easy to do with all this time on our hands. We can get goin'." He goes to stand, but I shake my head and he sinks back to the ground.

"No, I want to give that cut two more good days." I tell him, eyes trailing down to where the cut is being concealed by his flannel.

Redirecting my gaze, my mind turns from bloody homicidal visions to thoughts about Joel's family. I know he's got a pseudo-daughter, but I can't help but wonder if there's anyone else. Not that it's really any of my business, but like Joel said, it's easy to get trailing thoughts with all this free time.

"You keep scowlin' like that, your face is gonna get stuck." Joel's voice sounds almost like he's teasing me. My hand reaches back up to smooth out the crease, and I wonder if I'm going to give myself a permanent scowl. The corners of my mouth turn up a little, finding the irony in his statement.

"Says the man whose only expression is a scowl." I joke back with him, standing up from my spot against the wall. My legs have started to go numb, and it's time to check Joel's cut anyways. His eyes remain on me as I make the few steps across the room. As usual, I lean down and check the cut, seeing nothing alarming.

"What's that chain for?" He asks, and I look down to see his eyes trained on the golden necklace that adorns my neck. I drop his flannel from my hands and lean back from him, giving us some more space. My fingertips dance across the cold chain and I look down at it myself. The glint from the diamond stares back at me, and the charm hanging next to it bluntly shines from the years of wear.

"Um, this is, or was, my wedding ring. A few of the side diamonds have fallen out over the years. And this," My fingers undo the locket charm next to the ring and open it, revealing a small scrap of soft material, "this is the only part of my son I have left." My throat feels like it's constricting as I play with the plush material, not having taken it out in years.

I take a shaky breath as I stare back at the ring and material in my hand. A thousand different memories flood my mind. The evening Ryan proposed to me on a lakeside, the day we bought the dinosaur plush for our soon-to-come baby.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" Joel tries to apologize, but I hold up a hand to stop him.

"There's no need to be sorry. This was from Lucas' favorite toy, it was a little dinosaur stuffed animal. We bought it the day we found out we were having a boy. Turned out to be his favorite toy ever. The night everything happened, it was the only thing I could keep a hold of." I put the small scrap back into the locket for safekeeping. When I look back at Joel, I see a certain sadness in his eye.

"That first night, my brother and I were tryin' to get out of Austin. We got T-boned by a truck and hurt my daughter Sarah's ankle, so I carried her. My brother got separated from us, and I ended up running right into a soldier who had orders to shoot on sight." His voice sounds disconnected and stony, like he's taken meticulous care to set his emotions apart from the words falling from his lips. I don't miss the way his eyes flicker to his hands.

My gaze turns towards the floor, understanding Joel's pain all too well. There is no pain quite like losing a child, it's a special kind of pain, reserved for the most unlucky of people. Our hands have both been washed in the blood of our children.

Instead of putting more space between us like I usually do, I go to sit beside him, shoulder to shoulder. Neither of us say anything, there's too much being said in the silence already. Hesitantly, I rest my head on Joel's shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin heat up my cheek.

"They were spared from the horrors of this world. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want this world for him. For any kid." My voice comes out weak as I picture having to raise Lucas in this twisted, cruel world.

"No, she wasn't made for this world. She was too kind." Joel's voice sounds thick and he starts picking at the edges of his nails. The air in the building feels thick and heavy, our sorrows infiltrating the open air around us. My eyes close for a moment's peace and reflection, and the familiar scent of Joel overcomes me. Much like back at the camping grounds, the smell makes me feel safe and secure.

Not wanting him to feel uncomfortable, I raise my head from his shoulder and give it a reassuring pat. The nagging voice in the back of my head screams at me, tells me I need to keep my distance. Not only could this man have a wife, but our time together is limited. After Omaha I'll probably never see him again. My head shakes the voice from my mind, and I try to change the subject.

"So your brother, is he still around?" I try my best to keep my tone even and light, not wanting us to suffocate on our own brokenness and sadness. Joel turns his head to look at me, dark chocolate eyes studying my face. He nods his head eventually,

"Yeah, Tommy, he's still around." A ghost of a smile passes over Joel's face.

"That's good. He out in Wyoming?" I ask, piecing together that if the rest of his family is there, his brother probably is too.

"Sure is. He's got his own wife, which I never thought would happen." The faint smile returns to his face, and my curiosity gets the best of me once more.

"Why not?" The crease between my eyebrows returns as I try to decode what he means. The sadness from Joel's eyes has dissipated, replaced with what I can only describe as humor.

"Tommy? Oh back in the day it was a different girl every weekend." He shakes his head and the dent between my eyebrows smooths over.

"Oh, yeah. I hear you there. Ryan had a brother who was the same way. He'd always bring someone new to the family Thanksgiving. I think after year three I quit trying to remember their names." A smile finds its way back on my face.

The Thanksgiving before the world crumbled, I can still vividly remember Ryan's parents staring at this year's choice with a disapproving frown. Ryan's brother decided he would bring a college freshman to our dinner, one who obviously had not been taught manners or proper etiquette. As if the age gap hadn't been enough of an issue. But I can't say I was totally angry about Ryan's brother, because his antics drew the attention off of myself and Ryan, and the age gap we shared.

Both Ryan's parents and my parents had never been particularly fond of our age difference. My parents thought I was too young, and his parents agreed. But, once the news of Lucas came along, their anger disappeared overnight. They were all overjoyed by the news of a grandchild.

"So how did you and your husband meet?" Joel's voice shakes the memory from my mind. My eyes grow wider as I recall our early days, and how much of a mess they were.

"It was no fairytale, let me tell you that much." I can't help but laugh a little. Joel's head tilts and he urges me to keep going.

"Well, Ryan and I met when I was eighteen. He was twenty five, and was a fresh out of college lawyer. I was working in the town's florist shop straight out of high school. He comes in one day to order an arrangement for his girlfriend of the time, and I told him that we could get that arrangement to him in three days. Well, I guess in that time he broke up with his girlfriend or whatever, but he still came for the flowers." I stop for a breath and see that Joel is still locked onto every word,

"And so he picks up the flowers, and takes the love note out of the center. I tell him to have a nice day and he smiles, tells me he's going to give these flowers to the most beautiful girl. He walks out of the store and not a minute later he comes back in. I think there's an issue with the flowers or something, but no, he gave me the flowers and asked me out on a date. Looking back, I can see the red flags. But as an eighteen year old, I couldn't believe it. And so I went on that date and we actually related to each other more than I anticipated. One thing lead to another, he proposed, and then we had Lucas." I keep the story as short as possible, not wanting to bore Joel with all the tiny details. Plus, I've already told him the rest back at the farmhouse.

"Hey, y'all made it work. That's more than a lot of people can say." He says with a huff, and I want to pry into his life. If he asked me about mine, surely I can ask about his, right?

"Well what about you? You have a wife in Wyoming waiting on you?" I ask him, careful to keep from sounding too curious. A smile does break out on his face this time, but he's quick to control it.

"Oh no, not me. Got married to Sarah's mom when she was pregnant, but that didn't last long." He shakes his head and stretches, cracking his knuckles. The answer is not what I had anticipated, and I struggle to keep the surprise off my face.

"Well, I'm sorry that didn't work out." I offer, not knowing what else to say. Joel just grunts and shrugs his shoulders,

"Probably was for the best." He leaves things, not wanting to divulge anything more. He's satisfied my questions, being unusually talkative, but I take it for what it is.

I stand from my spot next to him, his warmth becoming all too inviting for me. And now that there's not the looming threat of a wife, I know I'll let myself indulge in little things here and there. Resting my head on his shoulder, brushing his curls off his forehead. I cannot let myself become too attached to him. To further my point, the cold chain around my neck floods me with a feeling of guilt. I shouldn't even be having these thoughts about him, it's wrong of me to do.

"I'm gonna make a food run, want anything in particular?" I ask, lacing my boots up and forcing myself to think of anything else except where my mind was wanting to take me.

"Nah, just whatever you find is good." He answers, shifting around on his makeshift mattress. With a quick nod of acknowledgement I make the short trip over to the food stockpile and pick out two cans of whatever for dinner. I take my time getting back, giving myself some extra minutes to get my mind back on track.

"On tonight's gourmet menu we have a fine selection of canned black beans or dried lentils." The door squeaks as I open it and I hold the two cans out in front of me. While the people here had a stockpile, they didn't necessarily have the most tasty options.

"What amazing choices. Surprise me." Joel answers and I hand him the black beans. Even after the world has ended, I almost refuse to eat beans. But thankfully Joel doesn't seem to mind them. He didn't say anything about the pinto beans when we first started out from Boston either.

The two of us choke down the flavorless food in silence, and I wonder if he's focusing on finishing as quickly as possible too. Even a pinch of salt would make this more bearable. What I wouldn't do for a FEDRA ration right now, I never thought I'd miss them.

Joel places the empty can next to him and rubs his hand together as I toss the package of dried lentils to the side.

"Looked like it was gonna rain." I state, breaking the silence. Joel's hand rubs over his beard as he nods, fighting off a yawn.

"Maybe it'll cool things down out there." He optimistically thinks. Rain in the summer can go one of two ways. It can either cool things down, or it can make the air ten times more humid. With our luck, the air will be very thick.

"You ever watch the summer storms?" I ask, remembering how I always sat on my front porch to watch the vibrant lighting, breathe in the rain-filled air, and soak in the rumbling thunder.

"Many times, loved 'em, especially in the night." I nod, agreeing with him.

"There's nothing quite like it. You run into many storms when you and the girl came through?" I inquire, curious about the girl he crossed the country for. She's always been a sensitive topic, for good reason, but I feel like Joel's connection with me has become more trustworthy.

"We ran into a few, yeah. Got caught in more snow storms than rain." He puffs out air as if recalling those memories.

"Well hopefully you get back before winter. Should be fall time if I had to guess. I'll probably get stuck with the snow on the way back to Boston." I realize that even if we get to Omaha by fall, I'll be traveling back to Boston in the middle of winter. Alone. Joel's mouth opens and then closes, like he was about to say something but decided against it.

"Maybe it'll be a mild winter." He offers up, but I know it's wishful thinking. The winters are harsh every year. But instead of unloading my burdens on him, I take the easy way out.

"Yeah, maybe. How did you guys get through it?" If I'm going to be battling the blizzards alone, I might as well get all the pointers I can. Joel's eyebrows scrunch together.

"Well I was unconscious for some of it, but, we took it one day at a time. Built fires, found places to hole up. Layered as much as possible." His answers are generic, common sense, but I guess that's really all that can be done. It's not like space heaters are around anymore.

"What do you mean you were unconscious for some of it?" His words catch my attention. Joel lifts the hem of his flannel, and points to the white scar next to the sutures.

"I got impaled on a pipe. Nasty stuff. I'm just lucky I didn't die of tetanus or something. But the girl, she saved me." He says, lowering his shirt. A rumble of thunder sounds off in the distance.

"You were impaled by a pipe? And she was able to save you from that? That's a serious injury." I'm almost in disbelief a young girl could be so strong and smart. He nods his head.

"She sure did. She's one of the toughest people I've met." The corners of his mouth turn up into a small smile.

"What's she like?" I ask, knowing very well he can put his walls back up at a moment's notice. Instead of shutting me down, he stares at me and licks his lips before speaking, like he's choosing his words carefully.

"She's smart, she's strong. Got good instincts. But she's got a fuckin' mouth on her." His smile grows.

I'm grateful that Joel is allowing himself to open up more, I was worried that this may never happen. Back when we first started this journey, his silence and standoff attitude made me want to avoid him. As he reveals more and more over time, I come to understand that's he's just a well-guarded person, he's very particular about who knows what. And I get it. In this world people cannot be trusted with valuable information such as who your family is, where you're from.

"Sounds like she keeps things interesting then." I smile back and Joel nods, another roll of thunder in the distance. It sounds closer than the last and I anticipate the sprinkles to start soon.

Before all light is lost, I go about securing the building we're in. The doors get double checked, and I look around for anything that might be lingering outside. All looks clear. I know that I'll barely sleep tonight, for the nightmares have become too horrific and that means I'll be able to stay up and listen for anything lurking about. I hope Joel doesn't notice that dark circles under my eyes, or the way my feet shuffle against the floor in an exhausted saunter.

As I take my place on my own makeshift mattress I hear the arrhythmic pitter patter of raindrops on the rooftop. If I close my eyes, it's almost like I can force myself to imagine I'm back home, cuddled underneath warm blankets in a chilled room listening to the rain as it lulls me to sleep. But the uncomfortable lumps in my backpack that I rest my head upon keep me from getting sucked into the thought. And instead of being on a cloud-like mattress, I'm on three sleeping bags stacked on top of one another on top of a concrete floor. My aging body is most definitely noticing the difference.

The raindrops begin increasing in number, the thunder cracks overhead followed by bright strikes of lightning. Though the room we're in has no windows, I can see the light coming from the front, where there are storefront windows.

"Wanna go watch?" Joel's soft, yet gruff, voice speaks up.

"Sure, that would be nice." I say and go to help him stand, making sure he's not straining the sutures too much. Luckily, the wound is doing remarkably well and he's able to get up and walk to the front with only a little bit of difficulty.

We get to the window in time to see a fantastic streak of lighting that illuminates the sky. Joel and I stand shoulder to shoulder, his warmth once again making me feel warm and safe. My teeth bite the inside of my cheeks as I try to ward off thoughts of us grabbing a blanket and watching the storm together like that, sharing each other's warmth and comfort. While deep down I know my heart yearns for a connection, I know that things with Joel just can't work. He's going to Wyoming with his family, and I'm destined to return to the QZ. Plus, the lingering feeling of guilt eats at my mind little by little, each little indulgence with Joel makes me feel like a bad partner to Ryan, even if he's not still here. I feel like I still have a duty to be faithful to him, for I never stopped loving him.

One of Joel's hands rests lightly on his wound, the other stays loosely by his side. My gaze averts from him back out the window, where water streaks down the glass in haphazard lines. Another strike of lighting hits, and with the limited light it provides, I can almost swear I see Joel looking at me from the corner of his eye. But it was probably just my imagination.

The two of us remain like that, motionless, side by side. Our arms brush up against each other every so often, and it takes an immense amount of self restraint to keep from reaching out and taking his arm, leaning into his side while the storm carries on. Instead, I shove my hands in my pockets to save myself from temptation and after a while, my eyes start becoming heavy.

"I'm gonna go lay down." I whisper, so as to not entirely disturb the tranquility. This time Joel for sure looks down at me and nods his head. As I turn back, I feel the material of his flannel brush against my back and I swallow hard.

The two of us return to our prospective places, and I get underneath the top sleeping bag and pull it tight against me, the air having been chilled from the rain. Maybe Joel was right about this one, and maybe, just maybe, it means our luck might start looking up.

Pitch black surrounds us, save for the occasional flash of lightning, and when the brief second of light shows up, I'm met with Joel's eyes staring back at me from across the room. His eyes are soft, unlike the guardedness I'm used to seeing so often.

Without me even realizing what's happening, I find myself being pulled off to sleep. Thoughts of Joel's smell, his soft eyes, and his chocolate curls filling my mind for once instead of death.

Part Twenty One

[skullzy20]

I love having things that are seen as 'cringe' to others. Like yes I have an extensive kinlist yes I have fictional others, and yes I've never been happier with these things

[insanitysscribblings]

I've always been interested in working in Japan through the JET program but I'm interested in hearing your experience with working in Japan and the reasons you work there.

STORY TIME!

I’ve always been interested in Japanese culture. The first time I watched Sailor Moon, I was completely enthralled. When I found out it was a type of animation from this little island across the world, I was hooked. It’s always been one of my childhood dreams to come here, whether to live here or for a visit, it didn’t matter. One way or another, I wanted to set foot upon Japanese soil, even if it was just to cross something off my bucket list.

So I found out, very early on in my college career (through a Skype call with a friend of my Japanese professor during class freshman year), that teaching English in Japan was a thing that I could do without being fluent in Japanese/a certified teacher. And since I always knew I wanted to be an author, but wasn’t enthused about the thought of slaving away at some job I wasn’t passionate about until I finished a book, once I figured out this was A Thing?

“HELL YEAH SIGN ME THE FUCK UP”

I had to wait until my senior year to apply, naturally. XP My first choice was the JET program, because it was the most well-known, and I read nothing but good things about it. I sent in my application, and checked my e-mail OBSESSIVELY, waiting for a response.

I didn’t even clear the first cut. OTL

Took time to be sad about it. My friends were very sympathetic (they even bought me chocolate to help cheer me up that night, ha ha~) Once I was done being sad, I picked myself back up and threw myself back into the search. If the JET program didn’t want to hire me, then it was their loss. But now I was Determined: I was GETTING to Japan one way or another, and this one rejection wasn’t about to stop me.

And then, after signing up for several sites which granted jobs to gaikokujin and OBSESSIVE searching, I found my company: Interac. I read up on it, did my research. They didn’t pay as well as JET supposedly does, but still, it was a teaching job in Japan. Repeated the process: sent in my application and waited, on pins and needles now, because I was going to be graduating soon and if I didn’t have a plan, I felt like I’d be screwed.

I heard back VERY quickly from Interac. We did the phone interview, I presented myself as professionally as I could, and then we were done.

Very soon after THAT, I received an e-mail for a SECOND INTERVIEW!!!!

The only difficulty was that the interview was being held in D.C., which is near where my folks live….but it was a week before my graduation from my college in North Carolina. ^^; THAT was an interesting weekend: I had to fly back to Maryland early on Friday, prepare for the interview AND do a mock lesson that night, drive to D.C. Saturday and do said interview/mock lesson, and then fly back to North Carolina on Sunday to graduate a week later. Whew!

But yeah, that happened, I graduated and got my degree in English Writing, then went back home to CHILL for a bit as I waited for a response.

We had gone to Texas to watch my brother’s ceremony for completing his basic training (we’re a military family, hahaha~) when I got the e-mail. Now, we were there for my brother, so I didn’t wanna kick up a fuss, but my dad saw me grinning like an idiot and asked what was up. I passed him my phone and let him read the e-mail, bouncing in my seat. Naturally, my mom and grandma had to know what was up too, so, as quietly as I could (I get loud when I’m excited), I said, “I got the job…!”

Queue mini-celebration before the ceremony started, but needless to say, I was deliriously excited~

Once we returned to Maryland, I threw myself into the next step: paperwork, paperwork, PAPERWORK. Luckily for me, Interac works to take care of most of the big stuff: securing an apartment, picking the schools you work in, stuff like that. But before I could get there, I had to apply for a working visa first. That required photos being taken and several trips to D.C., but I got it did. There was a bunch of other stuff involved too, if I recall correctly, but the visa was the one big thing I remember.

Next, I had to find a job in order to pay for my plane ticket/have start-up money as soon as I headed over there, because I wouldn’t be paid until about two months in (this could be different for JET; I never found out, so I’m just sticking to telling you my experiences, ha ha~). I remember they gave me two options: to start training in August so I would be prepared for September, or to come in March to be prepared for April, when the school year officially started. It was June when these options were presented to me, and since I didn’t have anywhere NEAR the funds I needed, I chose the latter and took a cashier job to build up my funds/pay student loans.

My company worked with me throughout the months, updating me on things like what I would need to bring and where exactly in Japan I would be placed. They made sure to check that I would be comfortable in my placement and if I had any questions while working through the processing of the paperwork I had to send them, so I never felt like I was at a standstill with them, which was nice~

And then, at long, LONG last…it was time for me to go. I booked my plane ticket a month in advance, my grandmother (who was heartbroken that I was leaving) was gracious enough to throw me a going-away party, and my family saw me off at the airport. I was anxious that the sudden SNOW IN APRIL would delay my flight, but things went off without a hitch. (Flight delay due to snow happened to me just this past winter, though; that super sucked. Oh, important advice: MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO’S OPERATING THE FLIGHT. It might say one airline, but it could really be operated by another airline altogether. Which reminds me: DON’T FLY UNITED. WORST AIRLINE TO FLY OVERSEAS ON.)

And then…I was here.

Been here for a while; going into my third year with my elementary school, and the four kindergartens I teach at. Some days are harder than others, but the kids are really cute, and I’ve found that if I try my best, they’re usually willing to reciprocate. And it makes my heart swell when they get excited to eat lunch with me, even if they ask some inappropriate questions (the amount of times I’ve been asked if I’m married/have a boyfriend…)

What I want to say, though, before I get further lost in my rambling, is that everyone’s experience is different. Some people love it here; some people leave half-way through their contract because they can’t stand it. It all depends on how well you can adapt. The language barrier sucks sometimes, and you feel “other” sometimes when the Japanese folk stare…but overall, I find it a pleasant place to live. My coworkers are nice, my town is small and convenient, and I found that it very quickly became home for me. I don’t know what everyone thinks when they picture Japan, but to me, it’s just where I live. The people just happen to speak Japanese here. :P

If you’re seriously considering living here, the truth is that, in some ways, you will be inconvenienced, compared to what you’re probably used to. The people at the convenience store ask you a question you can’t understand, the NHK man comes knocking at your door demanding payment for a service you don’t use, TALKING CARS AT 11 PM. But there’s a lot of good about it, too, so much that it would make this answer waaaaaaay longer than it already is.

But I think the most important question, Nonny, is this: how bad do you want it?