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andsheloved · 3 years

Text

up my sleeve.

paring ~ helmut zemo x f!reader

word count ~ 3.7k

summary ~ he knew he would have to leave you again at some point, he was simply trying to make the most of it. he just wishes he had more time to love you.

warnings ~ a n g s t & fluff, not to worry though, slightly happy ending! german/sokovian pet names, secret relationship, helmut and reader being too cute and domestic, y e a r n i n g, zemo thinking about his family for a second, slight canon typical violence, extremely mild language, super quick flagsmashers/karli morgenthau reference, i am kind of in pain, but like hopeful pain? i suppose you will understand.

a/n ~ and here it is! zemo as promised! sorry it's a bit earlier, i realized i wouldn't be able to pin this and update le ole masterlist at 11 cus i will be on a plane! anyways! i typically don’t listen to taylor swift but my sister played ‘cowboy like me’ the other day and zemo was the only man that appeared in my brain, specifically the line “now i know, i’m never gonna love again” so, eek, that and the song ‘all i ask’ be adele, and also 'i’ll never love again' by lady gaga, so again, massive apologies for giving you that soundtrack for this one, no lies, i kinda hurt my own feelings, so again, apologies to everyone else in advance! also i kinda changed the way zemo escapes in tfatws so yes there’s that but yes! I hope you enjoy!

Ever since Sokovia, he couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t either running, hiding, or plotting, or participating in some combination of the three. The only time in which he finally did get to settle down for a moment, he was in prison, if he could really even call it ‘settling down’.

Even when Bucky had broken him out he had escaped, he knew that from the very moment he stepped foot into the world again, the timer would begin. He wasn’t meant to be here, out and about in the world, and he had made peace with the thought, that his days of feeling something other than the solid concrete of his cell under his feet, were indeed numbered.

At least he had thought he had made peace with that fact, but as you lay beside him, a sliver of sunlight that was stubborn enough to not be trapped by the thick, expensive curtains he had installed in his lavish bedroom, illuminating your features so brilliantly that he almost felt compelled to throw himself out of bed to find his camera and take a photo of you, the idea of his ticking time bomb of freedom left a heavy feeling in his chest.

He knew you’d be waking soon from the way you twisted and turned a bit more in your sleep, as endearing as your quiet groans were, he felt a twinge of pain as he listened to the sounds of your halfway-sleep, he wished you could stay in bed with him all morning without having to worry yourself with making sure you looked presentable before leaving him again, sneaking off into one of the guest bedrooms as to not arise suspicion.

You had mentioned in passing telling Sam and James about the two of you some time ago, explaining how that if they really cared for you, they would accept your decision, a part of him wished he had agreed with you.

“Schatz, I just wouldn’t want them to think…”

“Think what?” Your eyebrows furrowed, when you noticed his eyes drifting from you, you reached for his hand.

“Nothing.” His back straightening, he hoped that you wouldn’t be able to notice the slight tremor in his words. “I just believe it would be better if we waited.”

“Okay.” You murmured, barely above a whisper. “But I love you.” As much as you wanted to tell your friends about your relationship, how much you wanted to yell it from the tallest rooftops, you understood. You loved him, all of him, and that included his past. You knew that sharing your love for him would come with certain… conditions, and he was just trying to protect you from them.

As he turned to look at you, you could have sworn you had seen the beginnings of tears begin to form in the corner of his eyes, “I love you” he replied, a bit more assuredness in his tone. “I love you.”

If only he had said yes. To hell with what anyone else had to say, if only he had agreed with you, then he wouldn’t have robbed himself of the pleasure of your warm body beside him to perch himself on the edge of the bed, hands covering his face as he spiraled.

“Helmut?” Your soft voice called, he all but whipped his head to look at you.

“Darling,” he turned to face his body towards your own, crawling overtop the tangled sheets to pull you close to him once more.”Sleep well?” He questioned

You hummed contently, a warm, groggy smile playing on your lips as you stretched against his chest. “You?”

He chuckled, your voice was always just slightly rougher in the mornings, he would miss that.

“With you beside me?” He took your arms stretched above you as the perfect opportunity to wrap his arms around your soft waist, “Perfectly.”

“I should get going…” You muttered, he could feel the hesitancy as you pried yourself from his grip

“Should you?”

You quickly turned to face him, looking at him for the first time that morning, the subtle tilt of your head saying all that he needed to respond to you.

“Sam and James left early-”

“Without me?” You interrupted, he sensed your panic, though you were quickly soothed as he grabbed your hands, pulling you into his chest once again with a small ‘oomf’

“They’ll only be a few hours, they said it was nothing important, nothing to worry about…”

He felt you release a deep breath, your muscles relaxing as he slowly stroked your back through your shirt, tracing meaningless patterns into the fabric.

A smile crept onto your face as you looked up at him, your eyes seemed to twinkle as the rouge sunlight swept your face once again.

“I wouldn’t mind staying here longer” you mumbled, your voice muffled from being pressed against him

I wouldn’t mind staying here forever, he thought to himself before replying, “Breakfast?”

“That sounds amazing.”

Helmut remembered the last time he had been so domestic, the thought sparking a somber smile. He dodged your arms as you reached for the salt shaker in the cabinet, creeping around you, trying his best to not spill the coffee he had made for the two of you.

“Helmut! The eggs!” You yelled, laughing as you frantically threw your spatula down, but before you could even blink, Zemo had already sprinted back into the kitchen, quickly ripping the pan from the stove.

“You could’ve burned the house down!”

He could get used to this. You fussing over him as the two of you danced around each other. Not a trace of worry showed on your features, were you not even worried about Sam and James returning and seeing you like this with him? Of course you weren’t, you had been the one to mention telling the two in the first place, though he didn’t want to trouble himself with that thought at the moment, how could he? How could he trouble himself with anything as you smiled at him so gently? How could he ever trouble himself with anything while he had you? Well, at least for the moment.

“Zemo!” You called, your voice panicked.

He found himself fighting with a newfound rush of energy, were you hurt? The very thought sent a surge of power through him as he finished off the last of your attackers.

He called your name, and almost as if on cue, you stumbled into his back, he turned to face you, resisting the urge to not just kiss you right then.

“Are you alright?”

Your nose was bloody, a small cut on your forehead, he could only imagine that the rest of you would be littered in bruises by tomorrow morning.

“Fine.” Was all he could manage to say, eyes rapidly scanning you for any more injuries, you shouldn’t have had to face all this, though he was thankful your mutual friends had introduced the two of you, he couldn’t help but feel a faded shadow of sadness wash over him that you had to endure all this. Though he admired you for it.

“We thought- I thought-” You swallowed, “I had lost you.”

Did you mean for your voice to crack the way it did? Or was it simply a side effect of the adrenaline?

“I’m right here.” Before he could even process what he was doing, he held your face, tilting it upwards, almost as if he were examining you. He tried to feel for any hesitancy on your part, but as you melted into his touch, almost leaning into his palm, he understood.

“Zemo!”

Damn. If only he had had more time.

He admired your form from afar, casting shadows across the hardwood floors as you set the table for the both of you.

“Are you just going to stand there and look at me?”

The proposition was tempting, he definitely wouldn’t mind spending more mornings like this, though he knew he shouldn’t have been giving himself the hope.

“As tempting as your offer is, Mein Liebling,” he smiled, noticing the shiver that ran through you as he sauntered over. “I think we better eat before your cohorts return, hm?” He tried to stop the venom from seeping into the words, he hated himself for bringing them up while it was just the two of you, but the thought of anyone thinking of you as any less than wonderful because of him broke his heart, and he refused to be the cause of any rift between the three of you, as much as he wanted you all to himself, he knew how much they meant to you.

You hummed in agreement, nodding as you sat down, he could tell he had upset you, but he couldn’t find the words to say to make the truth any better. So instead of causing you any more pain by continuing on the subject, he simply smiled at you, he would do his very best to enjoy this while he still could.

The two of you ate in silence, it wasn’t an uncomfortable one, rather a silent awareness while you simply enjoyed each other’s presence.

He absentmindedly reached his hand across the table, and just as mindlessly, you reached for him, entwining your soft hand in his. He wondered what he had done, in the duration of his despicable existence, throughout all he has done, causing so much pain and hurt, what had he done to deserve you?

You pulled away only to collect your plates, softly placing them in the sink, your moment of calm being interrupted with the shuttering of the front door, and suddenly, you weren’t his anymore.

You were their teammate, the last-minute addition to the mission that Sam claimed he couldn’t have done without. No longer his to dote over, to sneak up behind and wrap his arms around your waist, to kiss softly on the forehead before leaving him in the morning, he almost wished he had never been so drawn to you in the first place, though he didn’t have time to scowl himself for the thought before Sam began detailing their new plan.

“I’ll go with Zemo” You added, trying to sound as casual and unenthused as you could

Sam shot you a confused glare, “You sure?”

“Yeah, how bad can he be?” You chuckled, you knew how he could be, just as much as you also knew he would never do anything to hurt you.

“Quite,” Zemo added, smirking your way, you turned from the group, biting your lip to hide your smile at his response.

“But you let us know if he tries anything.” Sam passed the both of you an earpiece.

The two of you exchanging knowing glances as the four of you made your way outside.

He hummed contently to himself when the two of you were finally alone, quietly walking the bustling, cobblestone streets, and for a moment, he felt normal, like he didn’t have Sam and James in his ear, like he wasn’t supposed to be on high alert for any activity from Karli, and if he was so compelled, he felt as if he could reach for your hand, so he did.

Though you continued to face forward, he couldn’t help but notice the shadow of a smile that appeared on your lips.

“My Darling,”

You finally turned to look at him, the smile you had first tried to hide as he held your hand now bloomed fully, you grabbed his arm, pulling yourself fully against his side. He laughed, had he ever loved someone so openly affectionate with him? It was a shame he couldn’t allow you to press yourself against him more often, and he was well aware that you would, if only you had told them, you wouldn’t have to hide.

Suddenly, urgently, he called your name, almost yanking your arm with the force at which he had pulled you against him. You heard a quick buzzing noise whir past you, followed by the sound of crumbling brick, you turned quickly to see what it was, but before you could even register, Zemo was pulling you into an alley, pushing you into a corner as he shielded you with his body.

“Helmut? Should we tell Sa-”

“It isn’t Karli.”

You looked up at him, you don’t think you had ever seen him so disheveled, his eyes frantic, hair mussed, you maybe even would have thought he looked beautiful if not for the circumstances.

“What do you mean? I- I’m going to call Sam-” You started breathing just as heavily as him, what was going on? Who else could it be? Were those people shooting at you?

He practically tore your hand from your face before you could even reach your ear to notify the others, “They’re here for me, Schatz” He could feel his eyes begin to water, turning from you, he continued, “This is where I must leave you.”

You did your best to hold in your gasp. He couldn’t be leaving you, not now. Not when everything was so perfect. For the first time in your life, in your entire chaotic, superhero filled life, your constantly-on-the-run-from-aliens-or-robots-or-wizards life, you finally felt loved properly. “Helmut no you don’t- We’ll just go back to our house-”

Our house. Had you really meant to say that? He quickly repeated the words in his mind before you continued.

“They won’t be able to find you there, right?”

“My love, they already have.” He uttered sadly, he saw your form slouch in defeat and he had to turn away, “Don’t…” he sighed, don’t make this harder on me than it already is.

It was as if you could read his mind, you nodded, sniffling, “Helmut…” Your voice was weak, he raised his hand to touch your face

“That son of a bitch!” You could hear the quiet gasps and shocked mumbles emanating from the street, they were close, he had to leave now, or else he’d risk you getting hurt, and that thought pained him even more than leaving you.

“My Darling” he held your face in his hands, “I’m so sorry” he whispered, closing the gap between the two of you. He kissed you as if it was the last time, and it quite possibly might have been. You grabbed at the fur collar of his coat, at a certain point in time, you might have even made fun of him for the ridiculousness of his attire, but now, all you could do was try to memorize the feel of it, just another part of of his personality that made him so uniquely… him.

When he finally pulled away, he could barely look you in the eyes, and as much as it hurt him, he forced himself to, not knowing when he’d be able to do so again.

“I just wish we had more time” you were sobbing now, each cry shattering his heart a bit more than the last, he had to leave you, he couldn’t bear the thought of being the reason you were hurt, or worse.

“We will, I promise you we will” He brushed the tears from your face tenderly, “My love, I promise you.” Even he wasn’t sure if what he had said was true.

The both of you turned quickly as the man’s yelling became clearer, whoever was after him, they were close, he needed to leave now.

“Helmut, I love you” You kept repeating the words like you were making up for every time you couldn’t say them in front of your friends, making up for every lost touch, every second you had spent pretending that you hated him just as much as your partners.

He didn’t mean to cut you off, he just needed to say this to you before it was too late for him to say anything, “When I return to you,” if I even make it out of this alive, “I promise, we won’t hide anymore. Because…” Was there even anything else he could say? He knew nothing he could say at the moment would ease your hurt, “Just know that I love you.”

You weren’t even looking at him, your eyes squeezed shut as you shook your head. You didn’t say a word in reply to him, and maybe it was better that way. He took one final look at you, he wished this wasn’t that last time he would be seeing you, at least the last time for a while. Maybe he should have left you after breakfast, so the image of you in an oversized t-shirt, softly chuckling at some joke he made, almost throwing the toast onto the floor in your laughter induced haze, would be the memory he would be holding on to as he left you behind. You would have been confused, and he could only imagine how much more hurt you would have been if he just up and left without telling you. It would have been selfish, leaving so you so suddenly if only to not witness your pain, but he was a selfish man, and he felt like kicking himself for not doing so.

Sighing and scanning your form once more, he reluctantly disappeared to make his escape.

He stood before the memorial, reminiscing on lost loves both past and present, before noticing James’s dark figure enter his vision.

“I thought you’d be here sooner” he looked over to the man, “Don’t worry, I’ve decided I’m not going to kill you.”

You laughed a little to yourself, he was always one for the dramatics.

“Imagine my relief,” Bucky replied

So was Bucky.

Zemo finally turned to face him entirely, and before he could continue, a familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Hi”

He turned rapidly to face you, why did he feel so relieved? Like your very presence was enough to calm him, he felt as if he was breathing again for the first time since he had left you. “My-” he caught himself, choosing to call you by your name instead of one of his many terms of endearment for you in front of James.

“I don’t trust you.”

He really didn’t need to say that for Zemo to know, both him and Sam made that fact very clear to him on an almost daily basis.

“But I trust her…” He continued,

Nodding your head, “I told them” smiling one of those shy smiles that were reserved only for him

“But this doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

Zemo could sense the annoyance in his tone, but couldn’t really bring himself to care, not when you were looking at him like he was the most precious thing in your world.

He stepped closer to you as you held out your hand. “I’m so sorry for leaving you, my love.”

You swallowed, taking a deep breath as if to steady yourself, “It’s okay, I-” you looked down at the gravel beneath your feet. “I’m sorry”

It was then when he heard it, the synchronized marching of the Dora Milaje, stopping just behind him, warning him of their presence.

He knew this day would come, he had known it from the very second he met you, that this was going to hurt, but nothing could have prepared him for just how much it did.

Tears pricked the corners of your eyes as you held his face in your hands, this time, you wouldn’t look away.

A puff of air left his nose, feigning laughter, “I’ll be alright.” Now that, he knew to be a lie. “We both knew-” a bubble of emotion in his throat he couldn’t hold back interrupted him, tears spilling from his eyes much more quickly than he could have ever expected.

“They didn’t tell me until- I just- I wanted to see you... One last time.” There was no trying to hide how your voice shook, but you still refused to give in, to break as hard as you did the first time he had left you, you didn’t want to make this worse for yourself, or for him.

But it still hurt all the same.

“This is not the last time, I can promise you that. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I… I never loved you, properly” He smiled weakly, thinking back on all the times he didn’t kiss you, hold you so tightly until he absolutely had to let go so you could breathe again, all the time he let pass without you by his side. He didn’t know if he was saying this for your benefit or his own, but the rush of determination that he felt as he said the words told him that this was a promise he wouldn’t break, he just couldn’t. “I will always love you.”

You focused yourself on regulating your breathing, you needed to stay in control, stay grounded, you needed to stay here, with him.

“But don’t feel that you have to wait for me.”

“Helmut…” You were almost shocked at his words, he had to have known how much he meant to you, that he had ruined anyone else that would ever try to love you, he was it for you, you don’t think you would ever love again if he never returned to you. “I will always wait for you. No matter what. I can promise you that.”

You lifted his chin with your fingers, making sure he saw the conviction in your eyes. He could tell you weren’t lying.

“I’ll be back, then, so you can keep your promise.”

“You better.” And although the two of you laughed quietly, there was a sadness laced within each chuckle that neither of you could miss.

“I love you.”

He took a deep breath, “I love you.” Uttering the words to you with a weight you don’t think you had ever heard him say them with before, like it was the last time he would ever get to say them.

He turned to the women behind him. “Ladies…”

This time you didn’t close your eyes, you refused to turn away this time, no matter how much it hurt you. You watched his every step as they escorted him off, a certain type of grief blooming in your chest as you watched his figure disappear into the distance.

Through his tears though, all he could do was smile, it was a sad smile, the kind of smile that you could see right through, but a smile nonetheless. What kind of man would he be if he didn’t make good on his promises? Especially the ones he made to you. Besides, as much as it pained him to leave you again, he knew he’d have plenty of time to think about rings and new residences for the two of you, so that if he returned to you, when he returned to you, he would finally be able to love you, properly.

owee, anyways! i hope you enjoyed! i thought this was just so cute but also so sad, like yes he's zemo so he'll find a way out eventually, but knowing how that for whatever period of time he's going to be without you and it just breaks his heart? oh my. as always, likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! hop into my ask box to discuss all the nerdy things! i hope you are all doing so well and i send you all my love! mwauh!

as always, likes, comments and reblogs are always, always appreciated!!

want more zemo? check out my masterlist!!

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