#making more aesthetically pleasing thinspo to pass time

[polluteme]

TW, ed + pro (my own) relapse

I tried not to slip back in to my old ways for so long. Kept telling myself I NEEDED to put weight on to be healthy and to just ignore what it looks like so I could try to feel better. People told me I looked healthier at first and I tried to believe them, I truly did. Giving your body fuel and strength so you're not passing out and all that.. that seems like it should be a good thing, right? I even got rid of my weighing scales thinking if I can't know the number then how could it bother me. I was so determined to not let this take over my mind and my days any more.

But then it just go a bit too much... I had taken away the scales and covered up the mirrors, I wore loose clothing so it didn't feel tight and remind me of my fat, but bit by bit I could just FEEL it. I feel physically heavier when I walk around or sit down, my arms and thighs and belly are like double the size and I don't even get out of my pyjamas any more or leave the house because what's the point trying to clothe and accessorise your body in attempts to look nice and to be brave enough to let people SEE it when you hate it and the way everything looks on it. I haven't even fucked my boyfriend in like 2 months so he's probably gonna leave me.

So yeah, I tried. But as it turns out, I can't live this new life. This heavy life with this repulsive body. I can't and I won't. So I had to make the change back. Getting myself back in to my weight loss routine has felt like coming home. Literally like a warm hug I can sink in to and just be immersed in safety and comfort. Unfortunately it's going to take a long long time to get me back to the size I was but to even consider the width of any part of me right now is hell so I have to.

I'm not super social cause I am an endless pit of mental health disorders but I do enjoy quietly being part of a community that understands, and I repost thinspo regularly so maybe if you relate in any way to any of that you'd like to check out my ed blog, omgshessothin - I will repost this on that blog too.

Obviously ultimately I would like all of you to be able to recover and please please don't let me make any of you worse, but maybe you're in the same boat as me of just wanting a safe space to express what you're feeling.

Please don't anyone report me, I know it can seem scary to see people struggling but in my case I assure you I am safe I just need this outlet to vent and keep me moderately sane. Thanks :)

Also I'm 25 now and haven't used Tumblr in a long time so I'm aware this text post is not standard Tumblr typing aesthetic but I've literally forgotten everything so bear with me lol, my first day back I was tryna be using emojis everywhere so I am improving!