#mama aint no fuckin saint

[haikyuuwaifu]

This is half vent but you're the most chill and wise person I know so I feel like I can trust you? (You won't judge me being a ho at least).

Also possible trigger warning for unwanted physical contact.

In summer between lockdowns I met up with a person in my extended friend group I'd hooked up with a couple of times pre-plague (with clear 'not interested in a relationship' discussion before). I'd said it was just friends, no touching, no kissing, I'm not interested, I'm just getting out of the house. That got ignored. I froze up until he was trying to take my top off, and my 'no' and pushing were ignored at first, something was said along the lines of making me want it. He stopped before anything actually happened, and aside from making myself sick by refusing to take off any layers, including a hoodie I put on, on a very hot day with no ac or fan, I thought I was okay with it. (For bonus points he had a go at me for multiple days telling me I was a bad person for hurting him, and illogical because he would spend a lot of money on me, when I told him again I didn't want to date him).

So, I thought I was fine and over it. Then as things are getting back to normal I started talking to people again. Went to go hang out with a guy I'd talked to online about anime thinking it was mostly just friendly. But he kissed me and I froze and panicked again. Made a shitty excuse and practically ran away in a panic.

Idk what to do. In the old days I was a sex on the first date no regrets kinda person, now I'm running away if someone tries to kiss me. I feel so dumb, it's not like the old hook up actually did anything to me for real, I wasn't assaulted or anything really bad. And it was really my fault in the first place for agreeing to hang out with him at all. I just want my mojo back.

Thank you for listening and being a safe space, I haven't been able to tell anyone about what happened.

First off, that guy is trash. You made your boundaries clear, and he tried to make you feel guilty. Second off, there's nothing wrong with you! And nothing is your fault.

Mama is gonna be honest with you. Before I had babies, before I got married, I was a HOE. I didn't give a shit about nothin but my damn self. I went out with guys, let them buy me dinner, buy me stuff, and didn't even fuck'em. I fucked assholes, who didn't buy me gifts (I made sure they bought me food because priorities). I did some not so good things, involved myself in not so good situations, and I literally did not CARE who got hurt in the process.

I'm going to blame 75% of my behavior on myself, because I'm an adult, and I should have better decisions, but 25% of that is gonna go toward my parents, my dad especially (serial cheater) and my mom (serial vicitim) for the lack of care that I had for myself, the people involved, other people involved.

But what he did to you, wasn't okay. And as sure as you think that you're "okay" it might take a while to fully process and move on from that point. It'll take some time, but you'll get it back. That guy is a total shithead, and you'll find a way to replace how he made you feel with something a million times better.