#maybe I still think the whole thing is silly. maybe i still havent fully accepted the gravity of what I'm sitting with

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Also thinking of CAA rewatch which has progressed at a rate of one ep every 5 weeks,, what is Pouf's massive breakdown scene gonna do to me, , ,

[boqvistsbabe]

truth or dare - matthew tkachuk

A/N: this is for the summer fic exchange!! I got the chance to write for @ohmyeyesmyeyes as a part of @wyattjohnston 's summer fic exchange. I was pretty nervous because tbh I havent written in so long mostly because of writers block, but here it is! Super excited to have been able to take part in this especially cause it got me out of a writer's block lol. I absolutely loved doing this. Also in this Matt and McDavid are friends. Hope you enjoy it!!

Warnings: Some swearing but I think that's it! (also my computer started acting weird halfway through so the formatting got a little funky so apologies for that)

Wordcount: 4,705

So it finally happened. Matthew had won the Stanley Cup. And you somehow found yourself driving from St Louis down to the Lake of the Ozarks to celebrate with him and his family. 

To be completely honest you don’t know why you were invited, Matt and you texted every once in a while for birthdays and other holidays, maybe congrats on a game or promotion, and maybe saw each other when he visited home occasionally but nothing like when you were kids growing up together. You were in the same grade as Brady and quickly became best friends with him. With how much family means to the Tkachuks, you were easily brought in as one of their own. Being brought on family vacations, going to the lake each summer, and traveling to the boys’ and Taryn’s games was a big part of your younger years. Though you were best friends with Brady, there was always something about Matt that drew you to him. He treated you just like one of his siblings always teasing and trying to beat you in games but as you got older things changed. You’re not exactly sure when or why but he stopped messing around with you so much, he still hung out with you but when it was just the two of you it was less teasing and more deep talks about the future and what it held for both of you. Of course, you ended up having a little crush on him, he was too nice and familiar for you to not. Even though you never told a single soul about it, you had a suspicion Chantal knew anyway.

When he made it to the NHL he moved and you stayed in St Louis you kept in touch, making weekly calls and texting all of the time. Then he got a girlfriend and you started hearing from him less and less. You understood of course, things change as you grow up and life goes on. Though you still stayed close with Brady and Taryn when they moved on to college and the league.

Flashforward to playoffs this year, you were watching whatever games of Matt’s you could like always and then the Panthers won, and you got a text from Matt saying you should join the family at the lake to celebrate “like old times”. You had asked Taryn if she thought it was a good idea when you FaceTimed the night after and she told you of course and looked at you like you were stupid for suggesting otherwise. She didn’t know about the silly little crush you still had on him so of course she would think that. Brady knew though, not fully but you slipped up one time when you were drunk and he won’t let you live it down. 

So here you were taking time off work for the first time in forever, driving two hours to get to the lake to celebrate a man you were probably in love with. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matthew’s POV

“Brady would you stop that!” I was fed up with him bugging me right now. Everyone had made it to the lake so far, Sasha, McDavid, all the other guys their plus ones, and of course my family. The only one left to show up was Y/N. At first, I wasn’t even sure she would accept my offer. I knew she had been working a bunch and honestly didn’t know if she was keeping up with hockey anymore. She liked it a lot when we were younger but things can change. And with us not being super close anymore I didn’t know if it would be worth it to her. Thankfully according to Brady, she left like two and a half hours ago so she should be here any minute. 

But Brady won’t leave me alone about the whole Y/N thing. I don’t see what the problem was, I wanted to see an old friend and this was a good excuse to do so. Well, that’s exactly what I had told my family, it’s not entirely untrue. I just didn’t tell them about how when I was lifting that cup in the air I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have her there with me. When I first made it to the show I was still hung up on her so I dated around to distract myself. Never anything too serious, the whole point was just to get my mind off of her so I could focus on hockey I wasn’t trying to get caught up on someone else too. Of course, it never really worked, which is why I got up the courage to even ask her to come. As soon as I got back to the locker room after that game and had a moment to myself, I texted her. Brady was there and being nosey as usual saw my text from over my shoulder and won’t stop bugging me about it. 

My plan was just to have her come here to just see her again. Yeah maybe partially because I want to see if that little spark is still there, but also just because I hope we can get closer again. I hope we can.

~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV 

You pull in front of the garage, put the car in park, and give yourself to breathe for a second. The second doesn’t last long though.

“Y/N!!! You’re here!!” Taryn was running up to your car with Brady right behind her. And there he was, Matthew Tkachuk standing there in all his Stanley Cup Champion glory on the porch watching his siblings pull you from your car and into a big hug.

“Matt you can’t just stand there and watch them maul me and not even try to do anything!” You shouted over to him even as you squeezed Brady and Taryn tighter. It had been months since you had seen either of them in person and you were planning on savoring every moment you had with them, and Matt before you all had to return to your busy lives. 

Matt started making his way to the three of you a big smile on his face, “Ahh you’re right, I’ve got to join in.” 

Next thing you knew, another set of arms was wrapped around you. Maybe Matt was right, it was gonna be just like old times. They all let you go and you turned to give Taryn her own hug first.

“Hey kid, I missed you.” Somehow it feels like she’s gotten taller since the last time you saw her. Taryn responds with a, “You’re not that much older… but I missed you too.” 

Brady’s next and you get a hug and a big paw messing up your hair like he always did when you were younger. When he lets you go you turn to the only one left, Matt who’s standing there smiling at your interactions with his siblings. You’re trying to fix your hair from Brady messing it up and he reaches over and tucks a piece of hair back to help out. Then Brady says something about helping Mom with dinner and drags Taryn along with him. 

You mumble a thanks to Matt and he opens up his arms and you step into them. 

“Thanks for coming, it means a lot,” Is mumbled into your hair. 

“Yeah of course Superstar.” The old nickname falls out of your mouth unintentionally.  

“Oh my gosh, I’m never going to escape that am I?” You’re still hugging him.

“Definitely not now with the Cup to prove it.” He laughs but is still hugging you too. 

You take a step back and wipe your hands on your shorts not knowing what to do with them. 

“Alright let’s get your stuff and then I’ll help you get it inside, you’re staying in Taryn’s room since she’ll be in the basement with her friends.” 

“Alright works for me.” 

~~~~~~

As you make the trek up the two flights of stairs to the upper floor you’re grateful for Matt taking your bags. You forgot how steep the stairs were. You make it to Taryn’s room before you notice that the corner room, the one next to yours has plastic covering the doorway. Without turning you ask him what happened.

“Oh a big storm came through a couple of weeks ago and a tree fell on that corner of the house.” He shrugs and reaches around you to open the door to Taryn’s room. 

“Isn’t that your room though?” You haven’t moved into the room yet.

“Uh yeah, I’m just staying on the couch and keeping my stuff in Brady’s room.” He nudges you forward and you move into the room, setting your backpack on the bed before turning to him.

“Why don’t you take Brady’s room and make him sleep on the couch? This is like your thing, you shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch.” 

Matt shrugs, “ His girlfriend is staying here too so they get a room and I’m fine with the couch.” 

“Matt you should sleep here and I’ll take the couch and leave my stuff with Taryn and the girls.” You move to grab your stuff from him, but he doesn’t let you.

“Absolutely not, you’re a guest and Mom would kill me.” He’s got a frown on his face that you refuse to admit to yourself is cute. 

“I don’t care, this is your gig I’m taking the couch.”  With that, you run out of the room and bolt down the stairs and Matt is hot on your heels as soon as he figures out what you’re doing. 

It’s not hard to locate Chantal and Keith, they’re out on the back deck grilling and watching the kids (aka Taryn and her friends) play with a volleyball in the yard. It seems like some of Matt’s friends from hockey are here too because they’re taking up the chairs scattered around the deck. But you barely pay attention to them, you’re on a mission.

“Chantal can you please tell your son to liste-” You’re cut off by a strong arm around your waist and a hand over your mouth. 

“Mom don’t listen to her please.” Matt is out of breath behind you, holding tight cause he knows as soon as he lets go you’ll convince his mom to agree with you like always.

“You two are already back at it huh? Hi Y/N it's good to see you, honey. What am I trying to agree to?”  She looks amused at the spectacle of you two. She’s used to it, this is exactly something that would happen whenever you wanted one of the boys to listen to you when you were kids. You would run to Chantal and get her on your side without letting her know the real context so you would get your way. She thought it was hilarious and always sided with you because you were always right. 

“Mom she’s trying to take the couch and make me sleep in Taryn’s room.” You lick his hand and he immediately retracts it and Keith laughs. He doesn’t let go of you though.

“Y/N you’re a guest you know better.” She’s giving you a look and you know you’ve already lost.

“But Chantal it's Superstar’s celebration, not mine! And he has camp starting here soon, we can’t have him in pain from sleeping on a couch.” You heard a few chuckles from the guys at the nickname. 

“If it’s that big of a deal to both of you just share the bed, it’s a king and it’s not like you haven’t shared before. Don’t give me those looks, you think I didn’t know about your little sleepovers?” You feel your face heat and refuse to look at Matt’s friends who are now 100% interested in what’s going on, “ I don’t care what y’all do but I don’t want to deal with arguing right now, it’s day 1. Now shoo and get stuff to set the table.”

Without speaking he lets go of you and you both turn and walk right back into the house and into the kitchen, the sound of laughter following you. The next couple of seconds are completely silent before you both burst into laughter. You make eye contact across the island and start laughing again. Together you get the tables set for dinner. 

“You know she’s not wrong, it’s a good compromise.” You look over to where Matt is perched on the counter. 

“What?” He can’t be suggesting what you think he is, if he is it’s a bad idea. 

“We could share, the bed is big enough and we’re both adults.” He shrugs, “ I don’t see why not. As long as you’re fine with it, I’m fine with it.” 

It’s a bad idea and you should say no, “Yeah I’m fine with it.” So your mouth and brain were not on the same page at all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ve forgotten about that agreement until everyone is headed to their rooms or cabins and you’re standing in the doorway of the room watching Matt put his stuff up. You tell yourself it’s fine and move to grab your pajamas out of your bag.

“What side of the bed do you want?” Matt pops his head out the bathroom doorway to look at you.

“I don’t really care.” You shrug, you’d prefer the side by the window but you weren’t going to say that.

“If I remember right you like to sleep closer to the window, so I’ll take the side by the door.” Matt winks before shutting the door to change.

You’re not going to think anything of the wink or of the fact that he remembers little things about you. Instead, you plug your charger in on that side of the bed and set your water on that side table. When Matt gets out you take your turn. You change first then brush your teeth and wash your face before heading out to the bedroom. Of course, you manage to open the door right as Matt tugs off his shirt. You pause for just a second, taking in his muscular back and arms. When he starts to turn around you look away and start heading to your side of the bed. You don’t know why you were so shocked at him taking off his shirt, he always slept without a shirt on. Maybe it just felt a little different now, you stop that train of thought before it finishes leaving the station. 

You grab two of the big decorative pillows that Matt threw on the floor and place them next to each other in the middle of the bed.

“Really? I’m not gonna give you cooties I promise.” That teasing glint is in Matt’s eyes, “I’ll stick to my side of the bed don’t worry.” 

You roll your eyes before flopping into bed and snuggling up under the covers. 

~~~~~~~~

Waking up the next morning with a heavy arm draped around your waist wasn’t something your brain was able to process that early. Turning you realized it was Matt who was all cuddled up close. You try to wiggle away but it doesn’t work and he just holds on tighter. Sighing you reach over to grab your phone. You pull up the text thread to Brady and snap a quick picture of Matt snuggled up with you.

Y/N: he didn’t stay on his side of the bed and now he won’t let me go.

Brady: don’t pretend like you’re not enjoying it, also you should be thanking me rn 

Y/N: ???

Brady: you forgot to close the door last night, got this on my way to the kitchen. Dw i was up first and i shut the door

Attached to his message is a picture from the doorway of the room, and it clearly shows you half lying on top of Matt, face tucked into his neck and his arm wrapped around you. Before thinking better of it, you save the picture to your photos. 

Y/N: well fuck, thanks

Brady: yw, breakfast is ready when y’all are

Y/N: perfect thanks

Turning around you poke Matt until he stirs.

“What do you want, it's too early for this,” his eyes aren’t even open.

“So much for staying on your side of the bed and its 9:30 its not that early.” You tease, poking him again.

Matt’s eyes flutter open and he takes in the situation. Once he realizes his arm is around you, he quickly retracts it and brings his hands up to rub his eyes.

“Whoops sorry.” He doesn’t sound sorry at all.

“Uh huh sure. I’m gonna go get breakfast.” And with that, you roll out of bed, grab your phone and water, and slip out of the room.

~~~~~~~~

Matt’s POV

“Fuuucccckkkk.” I stretch out across the bed. I didn’t intentionally cuddle Y/N last night but oh well. She’s a good cuddler. Maybe I can convince her to cuddle tonight. Actually, maybe I need to stop thinking like that. Sitting up I grab my phone and see a notification from Brady.

Brady: if you don’t want everyone knowing about your little crush maybe you should remember to shut the door 

Right after the message is a picture of Y/N lying on top of me with her face tucked in my neck and a leg hooked around mine, I assume she wasn’t aware of this but if she was she conveniently left that out when teasing me about breaking the pillow wall.

Matt: shit did anyone else see, i don’t want anyone to bug her about it

Brady: nah just me, i shut the door on the way downstairs and I was the first one up.

Matt: K thx, she said breakfast is ready?

Brady: ya, get your ass down here and eat its boat day

Groaning I push myself up from the bed and head downstairs. And if I saved the picture to my phone who can blame me, it’s cute. 

~~~~~~~~

Brady POV

If these two don’t get their shit figured out before the end of the trip I’m gonna scream. They obviously like each other, and I know for sure Y/N has liked him for years and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for him. They just need to do something about it.

~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV

Boat day means us “kids” are out being stupid and Chantal and Keith stay home and get to relax by themselves. It also means you get to drive the boat because that’s your favorite part besides the actual wake surfing. And Matt and Brady know not to argue with you about driving. With so many people though you had to rent a second boat. This meant Brady and his girlfriend were on the boat with Taryn and her friends and you got stuck with Matt and his friends. Not that it would matter too much because you’d stick close together for the most part. 

When you left the dock Matt was sitting in the back with his friends but now he’s moving up to sit in the chair by you. He doesn’t say anything, it's far too loud to have a conversation right now. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt’s POV 

I can’t stop looking at her. I’m trying not to be too obvious, but she looks so pretty. The wind is pulling the hair out of her braid and the blue of her swimsuit looks so good on her. And even though I know she grew up on the lake with us, her knowing all about the boat and loving to drive it is so attractive for some reason.

Once we get far enough out she gets the boat stopped so we can set everything up. The guys have already decided who’s going in what order so I’ll probably stick up here with her while she’s driving. Even though she didn’t seem to mind about getting stuck with us I still feel a little bad. Plus I like being in her presence. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV

“You know you can hang with the guys, they came here to see you.” You don’t turn to look at him, instead choosing to keep watching the boys get set up. 

“Yeah, I know but so are you. And I Like spending time with you so,” he just shrugs. 

So throughout the laps of the boys going one after another, he sat there next to you while you drove. Finally, it was his turn and then you were up next. And this continued till lunch when you all took a break to eat before starting back up again. 

It was the last run for everyone and Matt was up and you somehow ended up in the back watching him because one of the guys wanted to drive a lap. However, this lap was a little different. Matt ended up losing his balance and falling off the board but when that happened the board ended up catching his head as he fell into the water.

The boat stopped and he popped up like nothing was wrong but he had blood dripping down the side of his face starting at his eyebrow. 

“Matt you good man?” Came from McDavid. 

“Yeah, the board just barely caught me.” He seemed fine but you still wanted to make sure.

“Come up here I’m gonna check that out and make sure you’re actually okay.” You told him gesturing up front where the first aid box was. He followed without complaint. You motioned for him to sit in the captain's chair.

“I’m just gonna clean it up and put a bandage on it but once we get back to the house I might have to get something better okay?” You grabbed the kit and got an alcohol wipe out to clean up the blood. His curls had fallen in the way so you brushed them back before cleaning him up. He sat there without complaint, even though the alcohol probably burned a lot, looking up at you as you held his face to keep him still while you doctored him up. The cut wasn’t as bad as you originally thought, but it was still pretty bad. You grabbed the biggest band-aid you found and gently placed it over the cut. 

“Alright good to go.” You declared standing back up. 

“What no kiss for my boo-boo?” Matt teased.

Without even thinking about it you leaned down and kissed the band-aid before walking to the back of the boat to get ready for your last turn. Not even realizing the look Matt is giving you or the fact that Taryn is recording it all from where they stopped not too far away to make sure everything was okay. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After dinner that night it was time for the firepit. Chantal and Keith were inside in bed already, and Taryn and her friends were watching a movie, which meant truth or dare mixed with a little alcohol. Just like if you were all teenagers again.

Though not everyone was drinking it did surprise you that Matt wasn’t. This was normally his bread and butter. And when you asked he just shrugged it off. 

By the time the game actually started, you might’ve been just a little tipsy. Thankfully Matt was sitting next to you so at least knew who you were next to. Though maybe you were a little bit more out of it than you thought because you couldn’t stop looking at Matt and you’re pretty sure it’s really obvious but you also don’t really care.

At some point, someone asks you the age-old question of truth or dare. Normally you’re a truth kind of person but even through the alcohol, you can tell that drunk confessions might not be the best idea right now. Of course, the only other option is dare so you pick that, which in hindsight still might not be a great idea because you are far gone enough to agree to whatever dare they threw your way. 

“I dare you to kiss Matt, on the lips.” 

Oh, that was, unexpected. Especially considering it came from McDavid. 

You glanced over at Matt who looked like a deer in the headlights. You nudged him and he turned to look at you.

“I’m fine with it if you are?” You whispered to him.

“Are you sure, you’ve drank tonight I don’t want that to be influencing your decision.” He looked concerned which you found sweet. And even though you were drunk, you still wanted to kiss him. This might be your only chance and the alcohol is giving you the confidence you need.

“I’m sober enough to consent to it, but are you okay with it?”

“Yeah.” He was still looking at you, eyes jumping around different parts of your face before landing on your lips. So you did what any sane person would, slid your hand into the curls at the nape of his neck tugged him towards you, and kissed him. Your eyes fluttered shut and one of his hands came up to cup your face and the other wrapped around you to pull you closer. 

You broke apart to a couple of whistles from the guys and Brady saying something about how he doesn’t wanna see that.

Matt was still sitting closer to you, but you didn’t move away until you stood up to grab another beer.

Later on when it was time for everyone to go to bed you were on wobbly legs so Matt offered to give you a piggyback ride up the stairs and of course, you said yes. He brought you all the way into the room and dropped you back on the bed before disappearing into the bathroom.

“Thank you Mattyyyy!” Okay, maybe you were still a little drunk. Matt reappears and sets a cup of water and some pills on the side table.

“Yeah, not a problem. I’m gonna need you to go ahead and sit up so you can take this and not feel totally horrible in the morning.” You raised your arms and he grabbed your hands to tug you up so you could take the medicine. Once you get it down you flop back onto the bed, kick your shoes off, and curl up under the covers. 

“Come on Matty I wanna cuddle and you’re taking forever.” He had just gotten into the bathroom to change and get ready for bed. 

“Give me a second and I’ll be right out.” And sure enough he was. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt POV

I was royally fucked. 

That kiss, was good. Too good. Cause now I can’t stop thinking about it. 

After rinsing off my face I walked back out expecting Y/N to be asleep, but she was still awake waiting for me covers pulled back and everything. 

“Hurry up Matty,” she looked so cute snuggled up and ready for bed. So I climbed into bed next to her and she immediately tucked herself under my arm and was out a minute later.

Yeah I was in big trouble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV

Waking up the next morning sucked big time. Thankfully the planned hike was not until later this afternoon so after breakfast you could come right back upstairs to sleep some more. At least you could remember the night before. But also remembering the night before means you could remember the kiss and how good it was and then Matt getting you upstairs and taking care of you and of course you begging for cuddles. Which speaking of, Matt himself was still asleep and still holding you close. Though this morning you were able to roll out of his grasp before he could pull you back. You went to the bathroom and grabbed more medicine and some water before running downstairs and grabbing two granola bars. No one else seemed to be up either and you didn’t feel like making real food. 

When you got back upstairs Matt was sitting up in bed. You tossed one of the bars at him before crawling back in your side and opening up your own. 

“Everyone else is still asleep, and the hike isn’t untilater so after I eat this I’m gonna go back to sleep.” You exclaimed before eating your granola bar. 

“Alright. Thanks by the way. And if you don’t mind I’ll probably join you, we were up late last night and I’m tired.” You just shrugged in response because your mouth was full. 

True to your word both of you were back asleep after setting an alarm to give enough time for getting ready before the hike.

~~~~~~~~~~

You were all about halfway through the hike when it happened. Somehow you had managed to trip over a tree branch that was across the path. Through this area of the trail it was a small path so everyone was in a single file line and just just happened to be in the back. So no one even knew you fell until you tried to stand up and couldn’t put any pressure on your left foot without yelping in pain. As soon as they heard you they all turned to look to see what happened. And even though he was leading everyone, Matt made it to your first.

“Hey hey, what happened?” He asked as soon as he got to you, kneeling down next to you.

“I got caught on the branch and hurt my left ankle. I can’t stand up.” You had tears running down your face. More out of pain than anything else. 

“Alright, you probably sprained it. I’ll take you back and they’ll continue on okay?” He reached up to wipe your tears away and all you could do was nod. Your ankle really hurt.

He turned around to face the group, “Hey Brady, you keep leading everyone and I’m gonna take her back to the house, she can’t walk.” Brady said something in response but you didn’t even hear him. Before they left Taryn came back to tell Matt to keep them updated and give you a hug. 

When the group started on their way Matt turned to look at you again. 

“Okay I’m gonna have you get on my back and we’ll get back to the house that way okay?”

“Okay, thanks Matt. I’m sorry you have to deal with this instead of finishing the hike.” You did feel really bad.

“Hey hey no it’s fine, you didn’t mean to do this. And I’d rather take you back and know you’re okay than have someone else do it okay?” You ignored how that cause butterflies to errupt in your stomach and just nodded.

“Alright I’m gonna stand up and help you up then get you on my back alright?” You just nodded again.

Matt stood up before leaning down to grab you bridal style.

“When I set you down stand on your good foot and I’ll get lower so you’re able to hop on easier.”

“Okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~

You made it back to the house, Matt checking on you the whole way, making sure nothing else hurt and making sure he wasn’t hurting you.

Once you get inside Matt sits you down on the couch and disappears. When he comes back he has an ice pack and a bandage to go around your ankle. You lean down to start to undo your laces but he stops you and does it himself.

“Hey let me take care of you.”

“Thanks Matt. I really do appreciate it.” 

He makes quick work of getting you all bandaged up. And you both decide to have a little movie night and Matt gets up to get snacks and turn the lights off. And when he sits back down, he’s sitting a lot closer than before. And you don’t mind.

Eventually you do end up cuddling together, him pulling you close and you tucked in next to him but still with your foot resting on the coffee table in front of you. 

And that’s exactly how everyone finds you later when they get back. 

~~~~~~~~

Matt’s POV

Someone is shaking me. I open my eyes half expecting Y/N to be telling me I’m on her side. But its Mom and I’m in the living room and the TV is showing the ending credits.

“Honey I think y’all need to go to bed its late and y’all are tired. Is she okay?”

“Yeah she’s got a sprain. Nothing too bad thankfully but she is gonna be in pain for a bit.”

“Alright honey, go ahead on up to bed, I’ll see you in the morning.” 

I untangle myself from Y/N and stretch before standing up and lifting her to head upstairs. When I make it to our room and kick the door shut, lay her downa dntuck her in before laying down next to her. And when she automatically cuddles closer who can blame me when my heart flutters for a second.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N POV

Today was the day everyone was leaving. Myself included. Thankfully the ankle I hurt was not the one I needed to drive. Matt of course helped me get everything to the car. By the time I’m ready to leave everyone but Matt and I are gone. And of course Chantal and Keith. 

I’m sitting in my seat procrastinating leaving. I have tomorrow off of work so I’m in no rush. And I want to keep talking to Matt who’s standing in the doorway of my car looking down at me with soft eyes.

“Hey Y/N?” Matt is suddenly serious.

“Yeah what is it?” 

“I like you.” 

“What?”

“I like you. Actually I think I kinda love you and I always have. And if you feel the same which I think you do, or at least I’m hoping you do, I’ll do whatever I can to make it work with us. Even though we would be so far apart. But I just had to telly you that before you left. If you don’t feel the same we can pretend this never happened, but for the record I really don’t want to have to forget that amazing kiss.” There’s a blush covering Matt’s whole face.

“Matt?” 

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m kind of in love with you too.” Relief washes over Matt’s face. 

“Can I kiss you Y/N?” 

You don’t answer, you just pull him close and plant one on him.

“And Matt,” he leans back to look at you again, “I think now is a good time to mention that I got a promotion that requires me to move out of St Louis.”

“I don’t care where you move if you want to I am willingto make it work no matter where you are.”

“Well me moving might make it a little easier on us.”

“Oh yeah? Where do you have to move to?” He rests his hands on your hips, a smile across his face.

“Well I kinda of have to move to Miami. So like maybe twenty minutes from you?” 

Matt’s smile somehow gets bigger as he lifts you up to spin around.

“I think that’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.”

[greymuse]

Witchy QnA

1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

Solitary!

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

Witch, or Enchantress if I wanna sound fancy

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Leo sun, Aquarius moon, Leo rising

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

Nope

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

Nope

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or any other kind of divination?

Tarot sometimes

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

Im just starting to get into more physical items. I was raised to do most things mentally.

8. How would you define your craft?

Im not sure? Green but a lil eclectic

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I dont think of it as cursing. More so protection from certain people.

10. How long have you been practicing?

I found out about what I was already doing as being Witchcraft a couple months ago. But Ive been using Tarot, using kitchen Witch spells, as “prayers” as spells since I can remember

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars?

Nope. I hope to have one soon though

12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation?

Absolutely believe in karma. Reincarnation, possibly. Its definitely something I think about

13. Do you have a magical name?

Nope.

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

My whole moms side practices casually, so I mean I guess? But I havent referred to  myself as a Witch or something like that.

15. What was the last spell you performed?

I enchanted a ring I got. Also, a money spell that worked but uhh its definitely showing me that I need to work harder.

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

Im pretty decent. Most of what I look up is common knowledge to me

17. Do you write your own spells?

I havent yet, but I also dont do many spells verbally. I more so visually manifest

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up?

I do, Its just a plain lil notebook, I have just some basic reference sheet type things in it.

19. Do you worship nature?

Absolutely

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

rose quartz. or tigers eye

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

I dont particularly enjoy using animal/ human materials. I use natural things, like dirt and water.

  22. Do you have an altar?

Not so much a physical Altar, but my bed is definitely my safe space and I can clear my mind here the easiest.

23. What is your preferred element?

Water, but fire always make me wide eyed and curious. definitely curious. but its destructive potential scares me.

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

Not art all haha

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

Im not sure!

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

realizing that I had been practicing for my whole life and I hadnt known before

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

yeah, with my mom and her mom. I just didnt know at the time. We do protection spells often.

28. Have you ever used ouija?

yup! with my mom and her mom. Its just a family thing we do every time we all get together. I grew up thinking it was completely normal.

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

My mom says I used to be. I used to dream about natural disasters before they happened as a kid. I dont think im too good anymore. just empathetic.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

I dont think I do. If anything, I do feel a feminine energy? dark (like a shadow, not negative) and watery is the best way I can describe it. But its not a human  entity. Just energy.

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

That not everyone believes what you do. And its totally okay! Just maybe dont loudly announce your Ouija board antics with your science teacher in middle school.

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

I havent before, but im going to try to this year

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

Absolutely. I want my son to grow up the same way I did around magick. Itll be normal for him.

34. Do you meditate?

Sometimes! its definitely something im trying to do more often.

35. What is your favorite season?

Fall and Spring! Theres so much change

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Im not sure yet! Ive only just started branching out and actually considering what ive been doing all my life as magick.

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life?

Daily affirmations/ protection spells, I manifest me and my sons happiness and safety every day.

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

I dont think Ive seen any haha

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why?

The Darkest Powers books by Kelly Armstrong. More supernatural (vampires, werewolves, stuff like that) but I loved it growing up.

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

Knowingly, a protection spell from someone who had hurt me

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

Im not sure! I can see auras if i really focus and can tune into someone, so maybe when i saw a family member with a pure black aura? That was freaky

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

I dont use candles! Bonfires or fires in fireplaces usually, to burn a paper if needed. Again, I dont  trust myself with fire very much.

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

My crystals and my tarot. They all have vibrations. Everything does but especially those, because im so connected to them

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I want to!  Havent yet

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits?

Spirits, yes. I can call on family that Ive known in person for protection. Been doing that as long as i can remember

46. Do you practice color magic?

I used to! i dont really anymore. 

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

My mom, aunt, and grandma! 

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

Dollar store, thrift store, antique stores (though im always hesitant to use something that belonged to someone else. If there isnt a close emotional attachment, there wont be any noticeable vibrations.

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

I think theres a general way that things can happen. More like a decide your fate book. There are multiple options, it just depends on what you choose.

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice?

Meditate, or go to the lake.

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

ohhhh boy. I got stories.

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

People thinking theyre better bc they have a crap ton of materials, thinking im less than because I visualize easier than with material items.

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

I do, I just cant very often. I have a child and very smell sensitive people livingg with me

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

I rarely ever remember a dream, so no

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster?

Im not sure ive had one yet

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

I havent seen who i dont want to see since protecting myself

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

 Everything, haha. I think thats why I enjoy visualizing instead of rituals or verbal stuff.

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Absolutely!

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?

yes, I feel like it //can be// kinda like a genie in a bottle type thing. Itll work, but not without a price.

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Nope

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

A cauldron to mix and burn things in haha

62. What is your rune of choice?

I dont know yet! Runes are something Im looking into

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

My birth card, the Tower.

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

I love lemon and eucalyptus 

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

nope!

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

Nope

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch?

No one that would feel that way knows anything about it

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines?

nope

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Yes. Its like knowing world history and us history, We need to learn from the past.

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

I feel powerful, and connected and accepted by nature.

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

having to tiptoe around things around certain people

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

Nope! ill have to look into it

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

I havent fully figured out what i want to do for the moon cycles yet, but I definitely want to. the moon and water are so closely related

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

No, but i mean.. maybe one day?

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

I feel like i have more control of how im able to use my emotions and feelings

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

The energy i talked about before.. It gets more intense and stronger sometimes, and i know i need to put more time and effort into my practice

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

no, but i do believe in energy. not ghosts per say but definitely energy

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

I try to make most of them myself. I have one for protection while driving that i use for me and my boyfriend a lot. And one for the safety of my son.

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

Not as of right now. I did bleed onto my tarot cards on accident though..

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

Theres a difference  between “doesnt understand and doesnt care to” and “fully doest support and refuses to let you practice safely”. I dont mind the first, but wouldnt stay with the second.

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

Reading auras, and tarot. Also just connecting with nature more

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

I love fall scents! but no, i dont really use candles

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it?

Meditate and protect

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

My mom honestly lmao. i dont think she views herself as a full witch though.And my aunt

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

I dont worship dieties. But i like to just be in natural and connect emotionally, nonverbally to this energy Im somehow connected with.

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

In this lil wooden box my mom gave me for my birthday to hold the tarot cards my grandma gave me haha.

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

my mom. aunt, and grandma. I know my grandpas grandma was a voodoo witch too.

  88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I havent seen much about nonverbal, mostly mental witchcraft. So i guess  thats one unique thing.

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

A couple things. Feeling vibrations, the connection to nature, auras, growing up surrounded by it.

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

I believe you can initiate yourself. I dont feel the need for someone elses validation is i know my connection with nature is real

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

crystals, lmao

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

The southern oregon coast. honestly everywhere in oregon feels so alive and vibrating so heavily with energy. The water and the lush greenery is perfection.

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

I have no idea, I dont follow a deity

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation?

quiet, listen to music i like and that help calm me, slightly cool, a breeze is good. the sound of real water flowing from a lake or ocean. recordings of water dont help me. sometimes white noise if theres too much noise

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

visualization is the easiest thing for me. ive always daydreamed so heavily that itll be like im dreaming with my eyes totally open and tracking. 

  96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

early mornings, right as the sun is coming up.

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

I like doing spell work before bed, when the moon is bright enough to light up what im doing

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

I dont know if it counts as casting a circle? but i visualize a swirling white ball of energy, starting out like a strawberry size in my hands, and every time i breath in, it gets bigger. Its a protection circle. i learned to do it at like?? 3 years old?

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

Yup!

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?

If i had to guess, id say multiple gods/ goddesses. one entity shouldnt have that much power imo.

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?

Ive been trying to go vegetarian, and i eat minimal eggs and dairy.

102. What is your favorite color and why?

dark, smokey colors. grey, black, dark muted purples, navy, smoky pink.

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

I dont have many people im even slightly into that stuff, let alone a witch. So usually just “how do i cleanse my house? i think its haunted” type stuff

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest?

Feel, haha, physically and emotionally.

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

Always properly cleanse new materials, haha

[swampgallows]

well, so, tumblr ate my post on my phone, but the gist of what i wanted to say was that it was, of course, amazing, but i feel like... and this is kind of cheesy and embarrassing but, it wasn’t really until this year, between wonder woman and this film—the shape of water—that i felt like anything was “for me”. 

i cannot remember the last time my heart swelled like that during a film, let alone in general. in fact, i’m not sure it ever has. not in that way. this film made me understand why people care for romance films or romance itself, the appeal of it. i cried a lot. and i cried a lot during wonder woman too, but for a different sort of reason. wonder woman helped me realize i was starving to see a strong, whole woman; i had thought to myself “no wonder people love superheroes so much”. i thought they were fun, of course, but it wasn’t until wonder woman that i truly felt that kind of power, that feeling of being uplifted. it was like... hope, and protection. even growing up i never had a “hero”, as it were, not until chris metzen, and that wasn’t until i was well in my teens. i have felt like the outcast for so long that i couldnt even feel like an underdog, let alone a hero. 

it’s foolish to say what i found in the shape of water was “representation”, but... it was like a validity. it felt verified. it felt.... real. it wasn’t goofy. it wasn’t a joke. it wasn’t supernatural or one-sided. it felt very real. i did not even realize there were tears in my eyes until one fell down my face. it felt so very real to me. of course, i love all of guillermo del toro’s movies, particularly in that he engages with fairy tales—parables, too, as he had mentioned in the interview following the credits—with a reverence, an authenticity. with respect. when you accept these creatures and themes as real, they become real. but if you maintain the whole time that it’s “just CGI”, “just movie magic”; proving his whole point, when you “Other” these creatures, you turn them into things. you make them objects instead of real, believable, sentient things. and his point was that we do this to people too. “There is no us VS them. There is only us.”

and, really, on the heels of seeing Bright, the contrast between the films is stark. Bright achieved almost the exact opposite of taking these fantasy races—which are to be respected as fellow people in an urban fantasy setting—and immediately Othering them, as well as making the entire film about their Otherness. additionally, the “message” of the film is lost when jakoby is the exception to the rule, the “One Good Orc” instead of “orcs are people” (despite literally having the line “orcs are people too”, this is never put into practice). and he is even further robbed of that by ward being a bright all along instead of jakoby, or even BOTH of them. ALL the formulaic evidence points to jakoby being a bright. “brights are elves, rarely humans, NEVER orcs”; jakoby is unblooded, round-toothed, clan-less, seen as a dissenter to his entire race; inexplicably wanted to be a cop ever since he was a little kid even though there have never been orc cops and most are sent off to war; demonstrably more sensitive and inquisitive than most orcs; even the very last moment up until ward’s bright reveal, jakoby gives an entire relay of the myth of jirak the humble orc farmer, who was unblooded, who turned out to be a man of prophecy, and begs ward to go back and help tikka. “I think we’re in a prophecy!” yet ward is the bright and jakoby isn’t. fucking L. ZERO payoff. ward is a racist asshole to jakoby the entire fucking film, treats him like shit, then finds out HE gets to hold a magic wand? fuck off.

yet even bright, in all of its horribleness, still feels like it was “for me”. so, it’s strange, but, i feel like mainstream stories are... finally becoming accessible to me? it’s hard to explain. Like, there’s a reason i’m rooted in my Very Insular Interests and all that bullshit. i dont feel welcome anywhere else. of course i stick with what’s familiar, and i dont think i will ever “move on” from these core aspects of my life and personality, but... it feels like there are stories coming out that i can actually relate to, things where my interests are the focus instead of being a side character or an extra in the background, or it’s the core plot to a film instead of being a parody or, worse, from a documentary angle. “how strange this is! why are people like this! can you BELIEVE there are people who relate better to MONSTERS than PEOPLE? god, there are people who actually think this is COOL but it’s so lame and stupid and for total nerds!!! UGH, can you BELIEVE those crybaby SJWs are BEGGING for a FEMALE SUPERHERO for WOKE FEMINIST POINTS?”

wonder woman stood atop the tower, alone, triumphant, and had saved the village. and everyone looked up at her, in awe of her, full of gratitude. that shot made me think “this is why little boys want to be superman.” there was a little girl in me that thought “i wish i could be wonder woman.” something like gender shouldn’t make a difference, but what a difference it makes. i mean, there’s a reason i havent felt that feeling before. and it’s not because i have any particular affinity for superheroes or diana herself; i truthfully have very little interest in either. but that is the first time i have ever seen a solitary, non-sexual, powerful woman. even in trying to tell my mom about the shot after i saw the film, i burst into tears. 

bright was handled like shit, but the fact that the movie even got made is astounding to me, particularly because it didn’t have the “excuse” of being rooted in preexisting media. so even though the story was shit, that it was an original screenplay is HUGE to me. Hellboy II was sick as hell, one of my favorite films, and pulled off the ‘urban fantasy’ much better than bright could ever hope to, but it had the veil of being a “comic book film”, so people knew they were going in under a pretense that it would be pulp and campy. essentially, not serious. not real. already written off as “this isn’t real so it can’t affect me. i’m just turning my brain off for a while.”

i guess it’s just that... these monsters are so real to me and i relate to them so deeply that it’s almost like seeing myself, in a sense. i feel such a personal attachment to them that seeing a creature as obscure as an orc on film or outside the same realms of media (lotr, warcraft, d&d) is cause for celebration. it’s like seeing something that even vaguely references a rave; i feel acknowledged because that’s me, that’s my community, those are my people. and OTHER PEOPLE recognize that that’s me too. i remember in high school one of my classmates told me to watch the entirety of disney’s chicken little (not recommended) because it made him think of me. why? there was a split second where one of the characters (the ugly duckling, thanks asshole) holds a glowstick. that is literally it. there wasn’t even techno playing. it was wannabe by the spice girls. but even then i was still like (POINTS) ME

and i think that’s something guillermo understands, because he relates so deeply to monsters as well. and interviewers and other media outlets might take it as a novelty—oh that kooky del toro, what will he think of next! isn’t that bizarre! what a strange man he is haha oh but we love it! wow, totally trippy settings! where does he come up with this stuff???—but del toro makes sure his films convey respect and severity. He doesn’t play up these films as pulp or tongue in cheek or with any sort of bashfulness of “i know this is silly, but...” He doesn’t feel a need to excuse himself for his interests. he portrays them fully and seriously, and that gives me great courage. as someone who is constantly apologizing for my interests being too silly or “too insular” (I will never get over that haha sorry!) or too obscure or too abrasive, always being too loud or too much or too ugly, seeing my interests portrayed with genuine respect and depth always feels worthy of celebration to a degree i cant put into words. it gives me strength to exist, unabashedly, and as my full self.

i’m excited for the blockbuster bubble to burst. maybe, finally, all of us at the edges will finally get to surface. i am already seeing the little trickles.