#mental illness bc it's a 'trend' to look like you just had a breakdown. it's a *trend*.

[coffee-bat]

i can't describe in what way and how, but as a borderline this "crying girl makeup" trend somehow feels like appropriation

[cheekbites-moved]

oz, alice & the creation of love: an ozlice meta

hello it is i, known ozlice defender. here to explain why they need to be credited for inventing love, bc. They Did That. & i just wanna gush about my favorite scene of all time, involving my favorite couple of all time, because both are very precious to me and i’m very passionate about them!!

disclaimer: if your interpretation of oz/alice’s relationship differs from mine, i respect that. all i ask is that my interpretation of their relationship being romantic be equally respected. i am simply writing my own post, on my own blog, discussing my own interpretation of this scene and their relationship dynamic within it/as a whole. if you disagree, please refrain from debating me on my interpretation. my voicing of my interpretation doesn’t mean yours is in any way invalid or not allowed to exist, so please don’t treat mine that way if you don’t share it. thank you. 

tw for blood, gore, and mentions of neglect/abandonment issues.

anyway so! the scene in question is the cheek biting scene from chapter 41. in my opinion, this is one of the most crucial scenes for oz’s character development, & is a scene that beautifully encapsulates the depth of the impact oz and alice have on each other.

before i get into the meat of the chapter itself, i’d like to first establish my perception of oz’s character up to the point this chapter takes place, to really get across why this moment is so pivotal for him.

pandora hearts is one of those series that begins with a collection of stereotypes, both in the story and characters, then works to completely dismantle them as the story goes on. oz is no exception to this trend.

he starts out as a pretty typical protagonist, to be honest. he’s bubbly, peppy, (also flirty) and is always the first to bounce back from the rougher things the cast goes through. he’s an optimist, and prefers to focus on happy distractions rather than the reality of the harsh situations the cast finds themselves in.

but, see, that’s the thing. his entire outward personality itself is a distraction. it’s all a facade. oz hasn’t forgotten any of the pain he’s been dealt, nor has he even begun to heal from any of it. because he has put the role of “the happy friend who has to stay happy for their friends’ happiness’ sake" on himself. which has caused him to learn to bottle things up. which has lead his mind to believing that presenting any negative emotion would be a burden to those around him. he’s afraid of presenting them because he fears rejection, but also, he’s afraid of his loved ones hurting for his sake. 

a lot of oz’s arc revolves around him overcoming this mentality, and the development that entails starts with chapter 41.

for those who need a refresher, chapter 41 takes place while the group is exploring the ruins of sablier. they all get separated at one point, lead astray by the hauntings of their unremembered pasts. 

oz finds himself alone, and is confronted again with the horrors of the tragedy, as well as his own unremembered past, and begins to panic.

elliot and leo hear him screaming, so they go off to look for him. 

after they first arrive and oz properly notices them, he instantly snaps back to his bubbly self, acting like nothing happened.

they walk together, eventually running into gil and also xai. xai’s appearance, and proceeding dismissal of oz’s presence further burdens oz with the trauma of his father’s neglect, on top of the already previously disregarded distress from his past.

xai was sent to retrieve elliot, who denies his help, saying it should be offered to his own son instead. xai scoffs, and further dismisses oz’s existence in a more direct manor by speaking ill of him, further contributing to oz’s increasing emotional instability.

leo manages to get xai to leave, explaining that he and elliot already have plans to get back on their own, so his help isn’t necessary. xai departs as oz’s emotions start to fully destabilize, with oz thinking to himself about the pain he’s feeling. he attempts to reach out to gil, but gil runs off after xai to confront him.

oz canonically has abandonment issues, and they originated from xai’s neglect. i’m sure in the moment, after just having confronted the source of his abandonment issues, having gil leave him behind felt like a further abandonment, and it breaks him down the rest of the way.

his mind starts to spiral, putting him in conflict with himself, as his tendencies to remain stable and happy are pitted against the destructive urges arising within him to cope with the instability.

he begins a descent into darkness he can’t control as his powers start to spark up and begin causing destruction, a very similar scenario to his breakdown in the cheshire arc.

before he can commit any permanent damage, however, alice arrives at the perfect time to disrupt his spiel.

her interruption snaps him back to reality, and he is instantly tamed by her appearance

as he regains himself, he also defaults to putting up his facade yet again, casually talking to her as if nothing happened. alice knows him well enough to notice the subtle cracks in his mask, though, and asks him what’s wrong.

oz holds to his habits, and attempts to brush his emotions off by saying it’s nothing,

but alice interrupts him before he can continue disregarding his feelings through biting his cheek

oz is completely taken aback by the action, and alice explains to an equally baffled elliot that sharon showed her a book where a woman ‘bit’ a man’s cheek to cheer him up.

alice further explains herself to oz, telling him that she heard him calling out to her (through a memory, though she’s unaware of that in the moment), with “such a pitiful voice she had to go find him.” 

noting afterward that she wished he would be that open with his emotions more often, so she could cheer him up.

as she says all of this, oz looks at her in pure bewilderment

but then, realization strikes him

he notes his realization, thinking to himself:

"My anxiety, my weaknesses.. I thought if I gave my voice to them.. I would be burdening the people around me... But... ...I guess it’s not always like that."

this line is crucial for the rest of oz’s character arc, and the weight it entails carries on throughout the rest of the series. 

this realization, this moment as a whole, is the first time oz lets himself properly acknowledge the deception behind how his mind has forced him to perceive himself. this is the first time oz actually acknowledges and processes that he is allowed to feel pain. that having pain does not make him a burden. and from this moment forward, oz begins to open up about his feelings more.

starting moments later when they reunite with gil, and oz openly expresses that he’s hurting to gil for the first time.

this progresses to him slowly becoming more direct about his feelings, both through his words and the facial expressions he allows himself to show.

(chapter 60)

(chapter 74)

(chapter 75)

and this all culminates full circle when he finally allows himself to fully cry in later volumes when he needs to.

(chapter 82)

(chapter 87)

(chapter 92)

(chapter 97)

(chapter 104)

that scene in chapter 41, is what directly leads to the emotional vulnerability oz allows himself to have as the series goes on. alice loved oz enough to feel his pain, and to make an effort to seek him out so she could cheer him up when she was aware he was hurting. oz’s love and trust for alice finally allowed him to feel comfortable enough to let down some of his walls to someone for the first time. 

after the realization sinks in fully, oz notes that despite how strange her words are to him, they still spark a fire in his heart.

he observes alice afterwards, noting that her presence is what brings beauty in the scenery of the rain, something he tended towards disliking before.

alice is the first person oz allows himself to be vulnerable around because he’s that comfortable around her. alice is the reason that in a moment of negativity, he is able to pause and admire something that’s beautiful to him; something that genuinely puts him at ease, rather than him just faking a moment of serenity to avoid being vulnerable.

whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic, their deep love for each other is undeniable. and this is the moment that it shines the brightest, in my opinion. this is the moment they invented love together. and i think it’s beautiful to witness.

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway. 

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.