#mentality that is so saddening to have TBH but i understand why she has it. her childhood kind of left her broken in a way i think-

[anthromimicry]

sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice Part 2 - Okazaki Kei Route

I wonder how Okazaki's route will go, since instead of focusing on a case, Ichika  wants to broadly focus on her reason for being a police officer, namely to protect people. Anyway, other than it being sad to see Mineo rather cold after his super cute and sweet route, I also find it saddening that we have to start all over again with Kazuki and their strained relationship😭 Anyway, Yoshinari is a pretty funny guy, he's like Mineo, capable but silly lol. I guess it's convenient that Okazaki will wake up when he hears a gun taken out of its holster lol. But yeah, it was obvious that Okazaki knew who Ichika was, there's no way they could have hidden that. Anyway, Okazaki saving her from a bunch of guys and then holding her hand was cute. I think he's right that even if it feels weird at first, to feel someone's warmth when you're scared really helps to kinda calm you down. Well, okay, Ichika is pretty ridiculous. Lol, like I can forgive her for trying to rush into a raging fire to help someone the first time but for her to try a second time?? I'm glad Okazaki shouted at her because that was beyond reckless. She has no protection, no plan, no idea of anything and she wants to save someone that's at the centre of a blazing fire? Even if she's panicking, that's pretty crazy. Not to mention that this was a park, she really should have focused on helping people around her who could be injured or feeling sick from the smoke etc. Anyway, Okazaki helped her come to her senses so she really should thank him for saving her life tbh. I know Ichika is inexperienced but I feel like this incident made it seem like what she lacks is common sense instead, but I'll give her the benefit of doubt since someone was burning to death in front of her, and that's difficult to accept and endure knowing there's nothing she can do.

I honestly feel terrible for Sugawara. I can't imagine how frightening it must be for her to be stalked for such a long period of time with no one to help her, and then having the guy wanting to kill her and himself, that's pretty crazy and I feel so sorry for her. I can see why she would trust anyone who saved her from this situation when the police obviously didn't. Omggg, there were two stalkers?! I can't imagine her frustration and fear to be relieved from one stalker (since they got arrested) and then end up being stalked again, like seriously that's absolutely crazy and I don't think any person could handle that. Okazaki pulling his gun out against Ichika (after finding out about her collar) was pretty dramatic. Seems like the memory erasing thing happens to everyone who gets captured? Anyway, I honestly felt so bad for Sugawara when she felt that being imprisoned as a criminal was better than going home and getting stalked again, it's just so saddening.. I think it was really cool and strong of Ichika to tell Okazaki to shoot her if he ever believes that she is causing things to go wrong in the investigations, it's like she's leaving her life in his hands knowing that he will make the "correct" decision. I've always admired Ichika's determination. I do feel bad for Okazaki though. Reporting Ichika to his superiors or not is a difficult decision, especially considering how seriously he takes his job. I think Ichika's thoughts really hit the nail on the head on why I just don't feel on board with her and Okazaki together. Like yeah, they're cute but I agree with her that it doesn't feel like Ichika exists in the depths of his heart, rather he is looking for something from or inside her hoping that she has it because of the "kind" person she is, and yeah apparently he's found it and wants to protect her and believe her, but I just can't help but feel that he's not really looking at her for her?

Okazaki's texts are so cute with the emojis lmao. It's also sweet how they share tidbits of their everyday life with each other. HAHAHA, I nearly died from laughter when Okazaki talked about how his robot vacuum "ran away" and never came home because he left his front door open😂😂 Okazaki buying Ichika flowers first thing in the morning to try and cheer her up from her lack of progress with the recent X-Day case was so sweet. Anyway, I have to agree with Mochida, it's really frustrating to be practically the complaint hotline department for the X-Day incidents but know nothing of the progress or results to properly reassure the public. Like literally, all they do is try and soothe people and their anger but have nothing to really inform them about, it's like they made this department just to have some people take the brunt of the complaints so others can work "easier". 

I didn't think that the rough looking guy that's a part of Adonis was actually a policeman before! Doesn't help that he looks pretty different from his photo that's at least 5 years ago... I feel like that's so saddening though, like one superior ruined so many young cops lives. Honestly, hearing that one of them has been in a mental asylum for years, and the other one left the country and never came back really kinda shows how traumatised they were by whatever happened with that "bad" cop guy that died. I feel so terrible for Sanjou and all those rookie cops Todoroki crushed mentally and physically with abuse. They all desired to be a policeman to protect people and all had dreams they wanted to fulfill, and they all endured because they believed in their justice and protection, but in the end the only thing they got was injustice and hatred from the people they tried to protect because of Todoroki's mistakes. Honestly, no matter how meaningful my job is, I don't think I could endure all that, so I'm not surprised Sanjou has resorted to becoming who he is. Sure, he's going against his principles back in the day by hurting people, but even though a part of him is still there, at the same time, he's definitely tired of everything. The thought of the moment he finally broke really tore me because thinking about all he endured is painful. On the other hand, it's interesting he thinks that Adonis can replace the police itself since really Adonis in other routes and kinda here is wrought with problems and people who are reckless and don't really have a clear goal aside from revenge. Unlike him, most of the people besides the leaders don't care about making society "better" because they're focused on their own pain and justice for themselves. Not that they're wrong to do that since Adonis chose them for that reason, but it's also because of that that Adonis is a mess that won't be a rebirth of a proper version of the "police".

I don't know if any sane person would really chase after Sanjou when Ichika's recklessness got Okazaki injured, and she's definitely useless in a battle without him, not to mention tending to his wounds are probably more important right now lol. I mean, it's not like I don't understand Takaeda's position and the need to quell the anger of the public with how incapable the police have been in stopping the X-Day crimes etc, but can't he at least be a bit more subtle with how dodgy he wants to be? Lol. Who parades around telling moralistic police officers like Morioka and Minegishi to just arrest all the suspects and not care about concrete evidence or solid alibis??? Like yes, these actions will totally make the public think you're great the moment anyone complains and this comes to light lol, like seriously. It's such a silly short term fix to the problem that I have no idea how he even thought it would be a good idea. Honestly, I would be pretty mad if I was Ichika and Okazaki said he wanted to die protecting her since he's looking for a meaningful way to die. Like excuse me?? I knew the whole protecting thing wasn't really about her even though he liked her to an extent, but I would be so annoyed if someone was "using" me like that. Sure, she needs someone to protect her and it's perfect since he doesn't really care about his life, but it's frustrating to think that in the end, how much does he really care since it's like he was just looking for someone that's kinda nice but at high risk of dying? Loll. It's like she as an individual was never really in the picture for him. I know he doesn't mean it maliciously but yeah... Something nice to see in this route is Kazuki reaching out and caring for Ichika himself because he was worried about her getting hurt, it was cute how he told her to take a day off because she's an underling anyway so it doesn't matter if she goes to work or not🤣 It was also nice to see them properly communicate by themselves, however I do think that the only reason this is happening so smoothly is because they want to get this part out of the way loll.

Anyway, Okazaki's inability to understand Ichika kinda pisses me off but Ichika isn't really communicating when he doesn't understand, so they're both wrong lol. However, I hate it when people apologise without understanding why they're wrong, like it's cool to apologise for hurting the other person, but it's not cool when you're going to insist on what the other person is mad about, so really, you might as well not apologise and instead try to communicate about the problem instead. Also, I feel sorry for Sasazuka and them, they're trying to solve the X-Day cases and here are Ichika and Okazaki having a lovers quarrel, I'm honestly glad they told them to get out and come back later because they're definitely useless to the investigations right now. I also don't really care for how Okazaki suddenly "realised" he likes Ichika and just straight out publicly confessed to her, because I personally don't feel it lol but other than that, I'm not fond of love confessions like these lol. I think what annoys me the most is Okazaki's flippant attitude as if nothing is wrong and it's not a big problem? Like he's handling it in his own way and I'm sure he's serious about it but the way he does it just pisses me off. I liked the way he was in the beginning but I guess when it comes to conflicts, his attitude is one of the worst to handle. Yoshinari is such a sweet guy, I don't know why but I feel like he's dodgy loll. Anyway though, sorry if I'm wrong, Yoshinari!

Anyway, hearing Okazaki's story really helped me understand him a bit better. Personally, the bit where he said rather than guilt for causing his colleague's death, he was more scared of dying the same way as his colleague in such a "meaningless" death kinda clicked with me. Maybe it sounds really derogatory and negative to myself, but for a long time, I've felt something similar to Okazaki in a sense, like I wouldn't actively look for danger like him, but if I were in a life threatening situation with my family or friends, I would hope that I'm the one who would die protecting them rather than the other way around. It's just, when you feel like your life is meaningless but others' lives have "value", it's hard to not think that you would want them to be the one to survive rather than yourself. So honestly, it's kinda funny to relate to Okazaki a bit even though he's been such a frustrating character to me lol. At least now I can see why he's so persistent on finding a meaningful way to die, because I think he's right, if I was going to die some way or another, I would want to die saving someone important to me. It was really cute how Ichika kept trying to show him that if he died, he wouldn't be able to eat such delicious food or watch the next part of a movie next year. It really makes me think hmmm, I'd really like to see the end of One Piece so that can keep me going lol. Something I find interesting in the materials/notes is that the Adonis who attacked the Prime Minister Okazaki was protecting two years ago was the original Adonis. The Adonis in the present are apparently viewed as a dummy group of that one🤔 I feel like that's a pretty important detail for the future, like is this Adonis just inspired by them or is it the real Adonis~ Anyway, I think what I found most chilling about Okazaki's story was when Tsukishima kept saying it was Okazaki's fault things went wrong as he was dying from being squashed by the rubble that should have squashed Okazaki. He probably meant it in some other way since he obviously regarded Okazaki as important enough to save him but hearing that as someone loses their life is definitely something difficult to handle, like these are their last words and they're telling me it's my fault so they're definitely right kinda sentiment.

Honestly, I've been rather meh about this whole route, especially with Okazaki's attitude etc, but after he so honestly confessed his feelings to her when they were watching the horror movie, I couldn't help but melt to his words. He was so sincere and honest about how he enjoyed those little moments such as the silly texts with her that I couldn't help but feel touched. He's a frustrating guy but I really do like him. Even though I could understand Ichika for trying to protect Okazaki by going to Adonis, it also made me really annoyed because she was doing exactly what she got so annoyed about Okazaki doing, which is not caring for his own life, so her not caring for her own life when she promised him that they would find a way to live together made me mad. I'm glad Okazaki got mad at her, but I'm also sad that he felt hurt over it. Especially when he already told her that if she died, he'd probably just die too. I mean, there was no way Okazaki wouldn't notice how weird she was anyway lol. 

I guess I have to agree with Okazaki's statement though, everyone has something that they want to protect, and whatever it is that protects their precious something, that is what their justice is. In the end, what we deem as justice is what we believe can protect the things important to us such as other people, our friends etc, and that is also why even if our views of justice can be "similar", what it means to each person will be different, which also means that if we lose what we desire to protect, then our justice becomes meaningless. Anyway, I really like Sanjou. I like how he does what he wants and I guess to an extent, I can understand his sentiments of not caring about this world and dying. Honestly, Sanjou breaks my heart. When Okazaki told Sanjou to leave with him (as Sanjou bombed the place and decided to die with the collapse) and he said Okazaki changed, it felt like Sanjou was really happy for him because they both connected and understood how it felt to want to die. I found it most saddening that Sanjou understood Okazaki's sentiments that yeah maybe he could eventually find something in the future worth living for, but the problem was that he didn't have enough hope to keep living in this crappy world searching for it, and I think that really made me want to cry. It's just so sad that he didn't have someone like Ichika telling him how much they wanted him to live🥺 I wonder why the Prime Minister's son is a part of Adonis🤔

I really thought I missed the trigger mode when Ichika seemed like she was dying lolll, TIL that you can check the backlog to see if the trigger mode was a success or fail so that makes things easier haha. I honestly think it would have been so tragic if Ichika died saving Okazaki though, I can't imagine having to shoulder the burden of two people you care about dying to save you and in hopes of you having a good life. Lmao when Ichika finally woke up in the hospital and asked Okazaki if he was angry at her and he sent her an angry face emoji😂 I nearly cried when Okazaki let out all his emotions over hating himself for not being able to protect Ichika properly, but I'm glad that he was so frank about all his feelings to her, it's really great how well he communicates with her now. It was nice to hear him think about wanting to be a grandma and grandpa together with her. The tragic love end was a bit disappointing though, I think it would have been better to see Okazaki have to kinda live a life fulfilling what Ichika wanted rather than kinda succumbing to death because he couldn't find a reason to live anymore, like it's understandable because he's said that he'd want to die if she died but yeah..

Overall, even though I quite liked Okazaki's character, I don't think I can really say the same for his route. I guess I just found 80% of it pretty boring tbh lol, like the messages and interactions between Ichika and Okazaki were nice in their own way, but at the same time, because Okazaki was "using" her as a way to die a meaningful death, I couldn't feel the "love" he had for her imo. What he saw wasn't really her but what she could offer him, and that's pretty prevalent and obvious when you read the bad endings. However, I did really enjoy the last like 10-20% of the route, probably when they finally communicated and got to understand each other lol. It was nice to see Okazaki so honest and sincere after being able to wholeheartedly believe in a future where they both live, so I liked that. For me, the highlight was definitely Sanjou though, I think his story and character really got to me, and I'm super sad we couldn't save him (or romance him) because I think I ended up liking him more than Okazaki lmao. I still like Okazaki though, but the route was definitely lacking for me, it honestly took me a while to get through because of that lol. In that sense, I guess it made Ichika and Okazaki not feel like that great of a match for me, even though they were pretty cute.

[bluebirdsforever]

hello!

i don’t know how to begin this with, but first off i wanna say that i’ve never talked about personal things before on here but i feel like i’ve been keeping this to myself for a while and it’s time i rant a bit

i wish i could explain how much tumblr actually affects me. i’ve had this marina blog for over 5 years now, and although i’ve had some hiatus from time to time i still come back to it. i’m emotionally attached to this blog (and marina of course) and i’ve only just recently realized what it does to me.

making gifs and edits is pretty stressful i have to admit! i used to do it to express my creativity and during free time, but now i literally feel like i have a job. 

most edits and gifs i make are during night, and there are times over weekends where i would pull and all nighter just to perfect the gifset, or make a couple for my queue. there are times where i would come home early from school just so i could see marina’s music videos during premieres, and gif them in time

in other words, i hope this doesn’t sound cringey but yes, the notes on my posts affect me so much. it saddens me because i feel like my content isn’t good enough and every time i try to out do myself. i’m not saying that i expect to get thousands of notes on a post, but i would truly appreciate it if i could get to at least 200-300, which some of the posts i work hard on barely reach

(the following is not an attack or whatever to my dear mutual friends, or other tumblr blogs) almost on a daily basis i try to “compare” my blog with others’, see what they’ve posted and always get insecure about my own editing skills. there are times people make a similar gifset much better than mine, get more notes and immediately i overthink everything and feel like.. shit tbh. of course i love my dear mutuals! every single one of them is a sweetheart and i completely appreciate and understand their hard work, i just feel like compared to them, i’m shit 

another note, i feel like nobody even interacts with this account and it’s basically like a one-sided relationship lol. i feel like i give so much and get nothing in return :( as i said i’ve had this account for over 5 years and yet my follower count is still 5,000 and the number barely moves no matter how much i post or try to get exposure. it just makes me feel so sad like i feel underappreciated :(

also, i wish people could understand that tumblr fandoms are so underrated and well....dead. yes, marina used tumblr before but she never interacted with accounts like she does on insta and twitter (liking, retweeting, replying to comments), meanwhile my (and other creators’ posts) are being reposted and take credit for it, get double the exposure than my own original post and some even get noticed from marina herself. it just doesn’t seem fair to me.

maybe this rant is pathetic and i would understand why, but this blog has been a priority of mine for such a long time that i completely forgot about my mental health and became extra competitive. my high school graduation is in 2 weeks and i put focus on making edits daily for this blog, rather than my exams. some people are gonna say i went too far and i agree lol.

 so instead of posting daily, i’ll be taking a break, which might be permanent or maybe i will just post whenever i feel like it, and i edit it purely out of joy - and not because i feel like i “must” post

i’m sorry this is so long and if you’ve read this through, thank you, support your favorite tumblr creators, and i truly hope you have a great day!

[dirtylevi]

Allow me to apologize for this mass of canon angst ahead of time, but I have been sitting on this for a long time and I think I’m finally in a mental state where I can write this out without sobbing all over my keyboard. My disclaimer isn’t really necessary for this post, but regardless, you can look at it anyways just in case:

DISCLAIMER: This is my personal opinion. In no way am I stating what I say here is canon or completely accurate. if you disagree with my opinion, that’s perfectly fine! Everyone has a different interpretation, but if you are going to send me messages trying to argue points of view with me or send me hate messages; please do us both a favor and just don’t even bother with it. WARNING: Manga spoilers ahead. Mentions of death, decomposition stages, etc. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Also note that this is just... Rambling tbh. Like, the post is organized, but I don’t even like calling it meta because it’s really not??? Maybe it is, idk. Either way, it happened, it’s sad, and it’s getting posted god dammit.

Now then, you want know what really fucks me up the most about Levi’s incredibly horrid life? His early childhood. Knowing that not only did he have to watch his mother die from illness right in front of him without being able to do anything about it. But, also knowing that after she died, no one in the entire brothel gave enough of a shit to check on either of them despite knowing Kuchel was sick and dying, and knowing she has a little boy living in the room with her.

In the panel above, we see a woman behind Kenny, who I can only assume is one of the working ladies, and we see the owner of the brother informing Kenny that Kuchel “is no longer for sale because someone got her sick a while back.”  This makes it pretty ovbious that it was common knowledge that she was dying in her room, with her son in there with her, and it was something people working in the brothel were well aware of for a long time.

But still, despite knowing, no one fucking checked on her. Not one fucking person working there took it upon themselves to just open her door to see if she was still alive or not. To see if Levi was eating or not. To see if they were okay. You could argue that this was for quarantine purposes, but that doesn’t negate the fact that everyone working there left Kuchel and her son, a child, alone to die while carrying on with business as usual. 

The outright lack of human compassion Levi experienced right out the gate as a child is just astounding to me. Because you have to keep in mind that up until Kenny showed up, or up until Kuchel got sick, these are people Levi was around all the time. These are the people he took cues from as a child, and their treatment of him and of Kuchel were his first experiences of human emotions towards others outside of what he learned from his mother. That lack of outward compassion or even blatant noncaring is something I think shaped him into the very stoic character he is now. Because even Kenny, the murderous hardass in seek of power was far more expressive than Levi has ever been.  

Seriously though, I want you guys to let all of this sink in for a minute:

How long had she been lying in bed like that before she died, and how long had her corpse been there before Kenny showed up? Allow me to answer this for you. A really long time. I’m not going to get into the gritty details of this, but let me just say that Isayama drew Kuchel to be in the Active Decay stage of death here, which is the fourth stage of decomposition out of five. This is made apparent by the tight, dry skin, exposed teeth, etc. She had to have been dead for at least a month for her body to be in this state. 

I have people ask me all the time why I think Levi holds cleanliness in such high regard and fears germs and mold. I’m finally going to thoroughly answer this question:

Considering how neatly tucked into the bed Kuchel is with her head placed perfectly center on a fluffy pillow, and how well preserved her body is in these panels despite knowing she had to have been deceased for a very long time, I can only assume Levi did all he could to preserve her remains (i.e. cleaning her, tucking her into dry blankets to ward off insects, etc). So, not only did Levi grow up in an Underground dump full of people that were sick and dying, but he had to watch his mother wither away from illness too, and care for her despite her already being dead, and starving to near death himself in the process. Plus,it’s been shown that in the underground, it is not uncommon for corpses to be found on the side of streets and that it’s as normal as us seeing a streetlamp. The smell of death there must be something everyone living there is numb to if no one in the vicinity of a brothel noticed the stench of a month old corpse. 

Overall, Levi’s living situation was very bad, but for at least a month, Levi lived in this state:

Huddled on the floor so his mother could remain comfortable in death, as he slowly starved to death while wearing nothing but her tattered shirt. 

I’m well aware that there is no way Levi would have survived that long without water. Especially as a child. But without food? Yes. He could survive that long without food. However, considering the delirious state he seems to be in here, with his eyes bordering on death so severely that even Kenny questions if he’s alive or not, and how dry and shriveled his lips are from apparent dehydration; a few more days, maybe not even that long, and Levi would have been dead too. 

I question how old he is in these panels all the time because you’d think a child would seek help in this situation, yes? But it’s very apparent to me that Levi did not do this. Mainly because the pimp of the place and everyone working there were blissfully unaware that Kuchel was already dead and had been for a long time. Most kids would have been scared, confused, and overwhelmed in this situation. Running to any nearby adult to help them in any way possible. Plus, dying due to starvation is excruciating and very slow. So why didn’t he seek help? 

The only logical conclusion I can appoint to this reasoning from a child in a situation this severe, even if that child is Levi AckermanTM, is that in watching his mother die slowly with absolutely no offer of help from anyone aside from the pimp taking her off the paying roster; he had already concluded that no one cared enough to help him. That he was inevitably alone in this world, and that’s how it was simply meant to be.

Just picture Levi sitting in this room, tending to his mother’s corpse by himself in silence as he hears all the commotion going on in the brothel around him, knowing people are outside. Knowing that they know he’s there with his sick mom, and having them do nothing to help him or check to see how they were doing for months. Sleeping on the floor so Kuchel could remain in the bed, and simply allowing himself to rot away with her because he didn’t believe there was anything else for him to do. That there wasn’t anything else he could do. 

Imagining him, Humanity’s Strongest, in a mind state like that, ESPECIALLY as a child just kills me. The situation and realizing how severely this must have affected him as an adult. I could go on and on about this, really because it is so incredibly soul crushing. So much of what this man has gone through has just been utterly horrible. But I think, out of everything, the earliest memories of his life... Watching his mom die and accepting death in turn because he believed that’s all he could do is the most saddening to me. To know the physical and emotional pain he’s experienced, and that Levi would have died thinking no one cared about him had it not been for Kenny reaching out his hand to him really fucks me up. Especially knowing the incredible man he grew to be.

                                          C O N C L U S I O N

The trauma Levi suffered as a child is nothing short of sickening, and this only covers what he experienced in terms of his mother. The list of horrors this man has had to endure throughout his life is simply heartbreaking, and all of it shows in his personality one way or another as an adult when you really sit back and think about it.

He’s able to sleep easily and comfortably in a chair due to spending months slowly dying on the floor.

He lacks trust because, for a majority of his youth, he only saw people who thought solely of themselves. 

He’s a verbal train wreck thanks to Kenny being his only outlet for learning how to properly communicate. 

He’s bad at conveying his emotions due to being ignored emotionally.

He’s awkward in affection because he’s never truly experienced it in terms of what he can remember.  

He’s compassionate because he knows from experience how shitty it is to be alone in your suffering.

He’s numb to death because he’s lived his entire life with it, but he understands and feels how devastating it is.  

He’s violent because that’s how he was taught to survive and move things to his favor. 

Every time I see Levi in the manga, I am just amazed by him to be honest.

He is the bastard child of a prostitute that was born in the rotting dump that is the darkened cesspool of the underground city. He is someone who, as a child, watched his mom sell her body, fall ill from doing so, and slowly die without being able to do anything about it. Then chose to slowly die with her because he felt like no one cared enough to help. 

He watched Kenny - the only person to reach a hand out to him and offer him means of survival and validation as a helpless kid - leave without saying a single word. 

He watched the only friends he’d ever made living in the underground, people he considered family, die right in front of him because he made the wrong choice. 

He has watched countless innocents and comrades die, all while fighting for freedom and a better world. 

He has basically watched everyone he has ever really cared for die without ever really being able to do much about it, aside from recent events. And even then, there is no doubt it has all affected him very deeply. 

The fact that this man has managed to carry himself as far as he has in life, while bearing the weight of being a hero on his shoulders along with the lives of those lost is nothing short of astounding. He has helped so many and has done so much self-sacrificing for the sake of others and a better future, and the universe has given him little in return for everything he’s endured. And even though he has suffered so much since the very beginnings of his life, and even though he started in literally the lowest possible place in society; he grew to be one of the strongest human-beings in existence physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Kuchel would be so proud of her son if only she were still alive because regardless of everything, she brought him into the world out of love despite outside opinion, and now he’s one of the very few leading that world forward.  

I wish Kuchel could have lived long enough to see her son grow into the man he is now, but knowing the way of the butterfly effect; his life would probably be vastly different had things progressed down another path. As sad and as angry as his childhood makes me, I understand the affect it had in shaping his future. 

How bleak the world of snk would be if it weren’t for this incredibly strong and worthy man. I sincerely hope he experiences the true peace and happiness he deserves one day, and I hope he knows that his mother loved him dearly. 

[ourfinalheaven]

I received a message from someone asking why I enjoy Cloti, but they wished to remain “anon”. 

I always feel like this question chokes me up because I’m not talented in expressing myself nor my emotions to others, but I figured I’d give it a try... 

For me, Cloud and Tifa is realistic to what couples go through where as other FF couples are, well, fantasy like. They’re easy, they’re in the “honeymoon phase” and they really don’t go through realistic to where it’s relate-able. Which don’t get me, it’s totally fine and isn’t that the point of shipping; to enjoy something you can’t really have in reality? 

Cloud’s story is such a normal one. I mean really c’mon? Young boy wants to impress the popular girl who he just so happens to have a crush on, but she’s always surrounded by boys who are more confident than he is? Then one day,he musters up some balls to call her out at night only to make an unexpected promise to help her if she’s in need? Totally relate able for a lot of guys in their early years. 

Tifa, like any girl would, reads the paper everyday to see if Cloud is in SOLDIER, and waits for his return. When word gets out there are people from SOLDIER coming to town, Tifa gets giddy to see Cloud, but only to be disappointed when he doesn’t show- or so she thinks. 

He hides his face in shame of not keeping his word and avoids her because of it. Little does Cloud know, at this point, all Tifa wants is to see Cloud. Things take turn for the worst, and a man Cloud looks up to destroys his town, kills his mother, hurts his best friend, and gravely injures the girl he likes.  All the anger Cloud felt in his childhood come rushing over him like a wave, and he himself is able to manage to take on this “great hero”, but pays a high price... he gets taken by Hojo to be a lab rat along with Zack. 

Five years later, Zack and him bust out of the Shinra Mansion basement only to lose Zack in the process, fighting the hang over of his mako poisoning he some how makes it to a train station in Midgar only to be found by Tifa. At this point, they’re both shocked they’ve crossed paths AGAIN. Talk about ironic or as some would say it was “fate”.  When Cloud is finally coherent, he asks Tifa for a job to make a living and tells her of stories that don’t quite make sense. Finally, when they reach Tifa’s bar Cloud realizes once again Tifa surrounded by men who clearly are fond of Tifa. 

For me personally, I feel like this is why Cloud is so “moody” in the beginning of the game. Once again, he has to fight for Tifa’s attention and that he doesn’t fit in with the new group she has. It’s almost like he’s resentful, which I find interesting tbh, anybody would. I’m sure we’ve all been there. We want undivided attention from our crush; anything to search for clues they just may like us back... 

Anyways,  one mission goes extremely south  and I find the dialogue between Cloud and Tifa interesting before he falls into Aerith’s church.  There’s a part of the dialogue that isn’t optional right before he falls (from my memory, been awhile since I played)

Barret It's gonna blow! Let's go, Tifa!

Tifa Barret! Can't you do something?

Barret Not a damn thing.

Tifa Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!

Cloud ******I know, Tifa......*******

That right there signals to me there was something brewing between them that they both recognized. Cloud, not distracted by personal resentment of the past, was himself in that moment.  And like always, they’re interrupted.  Once again, something always getting in the way of them finally confessing their feelings.

When Cloud falls on Aerith’s flowerbed, there’s something I find interesting. He remembers his fall from Mt. Nibel. You know where the part he follows Tifa and the bridge snaps as a child?  That fall brings him back to that time. I mean it’s nothing to telling but it’s something I’ve made note of. 

Once Cloud and Aerith get of her church and he brings her back home safely, he is desperate to get back to Tifa’s bar. I think it’s cute you can call Tifa your “girl...friend”, I don’t think anyone else in the game has that option, so there’s like this build up between Cloud and Tifa that makes you want to know more. 

When Cloud does finally get to meet back up with Tifa, he went through a slew of embarrassing events to dress up like a woman just to make sure she was alright. Cloud is somewhat macho, so for him to slap a dress on, makeup, and a wig with some girly panties is truly telling to how much he cares for Tifa and would do anything to make sure she is alright.  

After several events of them leaving Midgar, the end of Cloud’s story is interesting. Tifa asks Cloud how badly she was hurt, and Cloud replies with he thought Tifa was a goner, but unprovoked he mentions how he was sadden by that thought. 

Now, let me fast forward to after Aerith death and their at the Northern Crater. Cloud mentions to Tifa that he hopes she gets to meet the “real” Cloud. It’s like Nojima wanted to insinuate that this Cloud we’re seeing a fake; not real. We end up getting separated from Cloud, but we find him Mideel where Cloud’s mental state is completely broken, and Tifa decides she’s going to watch over him thus leaving the group... 

When we finally get to the lifestream, that’s where we learn Cloud did what he did for Tifa. He likes Tifa and just wanted her to notice him. Cloud then find outs Tifa read the newspaper everyday searching for his name in it. Some people may think that’s “shallow” of Tifa but I don’t think so. She was just a girl, and at that age we get caught up in things like that.   

Cloud and Tifa finally realize Cloud was there and he saved Tifa, Cloud is able to regain his trueself thanks to Tifa.  Now what is interesting is Cloud, in the true memory, says to Seph  “ Mom... Tifa...... my town... give it back...” he never said that in his flash back at Kalm.  Nojima’s writing for the script references back the “hope you get to meet the real cloud” quote and ofc when he says this is goodbye, until meet again line, “ Yeah...... Tifa...... We finally...... meet again......” This lets us know, the Cloud we knew before, wasn’t 100% Cloud which is so, idk, it’s so realistic bc people in real life will take parts of other people’s personality and morph them into one to great “their” personality. 

 Alrighty, so with the highwind scene, I find it super classic how Square did a romantic setting with Cloud and Tifa before the final battle. You know how you hear about soldiers making love to their wives before their deployed or in movies the hero makes love to his girl before he fights the villain? I feel like thats what Square did. People will fight about how this HW scene is canon, but I don’t think it matters. The Highwind scene is the Highwind scene, Cloud and Tifa spend the night together. Period. They share a kiss/have sex/ play a card game w/e you want to imagine, they spent a romantic night under the stars before the went to fight Seph. To be honest, it was the perfect night for them to come clean. What would they have to lose? They thought they were gonna die anyways.  

They beat seph, yay game over, woot now we have COT and ACC, which really gives the realness. 

I really can see how cloti struggled with their relationship because the events they went through was awful. They’re still mourning over their fallen comrade: Aerith. Cloud is feeling guilty for their deaths. In what reality would this make for the most perfect relationship? It doesn’t, but I feel given the hints and body language cloti is forming a romantic relationship, which is hard for them. You have two people who have pent up emotions from the OG events. 

They seem to be going through their pain together but dont if that makes sense? Best way I can describe it is Tifa takes Denzel coming to the bar as Aerith showing her to  move on, but Cloud takes it as Aerith showing Cloud by raising Denzel, he can make up for his mistakes. Eventually after COT, Cloud and Tifa DO end up happy together with the children. 

However, Cloud gets geostigma and he thinks this is the planet’s way of “punishing him” so he runs off, abandoning everyone at this point, and lives in hiding.   Eventually, Tifa does find where Cloud is staying at and finally getting Cloud to realize it’s time he lets go of the past. Some people will say, “Oh Tifa’s a “bitch” for doing that, but you know what? No, she’s not. You don’t coddle your partner for forever. In relationships, there’s times you have to give your partner a reality check. It’s called tough love. There’s a time where you tell your partner it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. You also don’t let your partner cut off everyone because he/she is too scared to ask for help or see they have people who dearly love him.  

A lot of people who have never had a serious relationship do not realize that there’s times you hate your partner, you don’t know if you’re truly in love with this person anymore, you don’t open up to them, and you just think you’re better off without them. And that’s cloti in acc. They’re figuring it out. They’re pissy, they’re hurt, they’re tired, but you know what...they worked through it. They didn’t just bail and say “see ya later.”, Tifa waited for Cloud to forgive himself, and when he did look where he went? Back to tifa and the children. 

I honestly think that’s why people struggle with shipping cloti is they think or maybe don’t understand when you love someone, they annoy you, make you mad, make you cry, and sometimes don’t understand you, but it’s loving you through those bad times that make you stronger. And maybe that’s why it’s easier to ship other couples is because reality is uncomfortable and we are raised to think everything is rainbow and butterflies x.x 

Phew, this was long >.<  So yeah, TL;DR I love cloti bc they’re real and not your typical FF couple, like Cecil x Rosa or Squall x Rinoa where you don’t see the “Realness”. I feel like Cloti is that couple that isn’t on social media showing pictures of how “happy” they are when in reality they’re miserable, but the couple who keeps their relationship to themselves bc they don’t need to showcase it >.<

[atopearth]

The Men of Yoshiwara: Ohgiya Part 3 - Gakuto Route

It’s interesting to see the mother’s different priorities towards Kiyoha in each route lol. For Gakuto, it seems like Kiyoha’s considered an adult after her first visit to Yoshiwara, so now she’s to be trained to take over the business as the new head. Although he Gakuto really made the worst impression on her by forcefully kissing her as an apology for making her wait, I did find it interesting that Kiyoha didn’t enjoy it at all and hated it haha, I guess I can see why Gakuto would be interested. He’s confident, he’s popular, there’s probably many women who would happily take that kiss, yet she rejected it so adamantly haha. Although, for a lot of the arguments they have, I do feel like she took the fighting a bit too far, Gakuto helped keep her in line by speaking out honestly that although they’re both prideful, it’s not like they really wanted to fight, they just don’t like to back down from one another though. I never really realised that Gakuto could also choose to reject clients, nice to know that they do have a bit more freedom than it seems. It’s kinda saddening though, just as Gakuto is forced to serve clients as a geisha, Kiyoha is just as entrapped by her circumstances since she feels that she must court Gakuto so that she can have the influence and connections of interacting with a popular geisha, as well as bear a worthy heir for her family through him. Everyone is so bound to their duty and their fate, it’s actually rather disheartening.

I found it endearing that Gakuto pushed her in order to make her forcefully acknowledge and understand that she wasn’t ready. I’m sure there were other ways to do it, but Kiyoha is really stubborn and prideful, so I think him pushing her down and kissing her was the only way for her to admit that she couldn’t do it after all. It was sweet how he properly listened to Kiyoha and backed off when he knew she wasn’t ready to sleep with him. I also liked how considerate he was by reassuring her that it was fine and that she should just be honest with her feelings, and not force herself just because this is something she needs to do. Hmm, Gakuto is looking for his sister, but he’s from the mainland so it’s weird that she would be on this island…hmm, I wonder what his circumstances are. Wow, okay, that escalated really fast. Honestly, Kiyoha was pretty overbearing to force him to reveal his eye under the eye patch just so she can see whether he has a scar and is the man the woman who went to her store talked about. Like, seriously, Kiyoha really could have handled it better, but instead she hurt Gakuto by forcefully seeing his scarred eye and digging up his personal life by invading his privacy rather than asking him. But I see, he is the guy that woman was talking about, guess they did not end amicably if she scarred his eye, and he scarred her forehead. I wonder what Gakuto wants revenge on her for though, I feel like the scar isn’t the main reason.

I love Gakuto. He can be all superfluous and sexy when he wants to be, but other times, he could be so crude and brutally honest, it’s pretty hilarious to see. It was expected, but to think that Gakuto’s mother sold him as a kid to Yoshiwara for alcohol expenses was saddening to hear, but I think the worst thing was that she sold him to one of the worst stores in Yoshiwara, where all the sick geisha are and where all the “fallen” geisha would be etc. Just imagining how devastating of a place it could have been makes me shudder, it sounds like a place full of death. I’m glad Gakuto had a friend; even though he died eventually. When Gakuto said he didn’t deserve someone honest and pure like her since the higher up he is as a geisha, the more dirty he is, I really liked Kiyoha’s answer. She just told him to make himself cleaner by being with her more, since he said that his heart feels cleaner when he’s with her haha. I’m glad Kiyoha was able to take Gakuto to his friend’s “grave” (considering their store and status, dead geisha get thrown together into a nameless grave) and reminisce about the things they talked about. They felt like such precious memories. Lmaoo at Utsusemi and his big mouth, he legit just tells everything about Gakuto to Kiyoha, it’s so funny to see Gakuto tell him to shut up hahahaha. It’s funny how Ageha has a loose mouth too, they all just casually tell Kiyoha about how importantly Gakuto regards her lol. So cute how Gakuto is very fond of candy though hahaha.

Although their first time ended up happening in questionable way, it was understandable why Gakuto was so enraged and yet so sad when doing it. Kiyoha forcefully stopped him when he finally found the woman who gave him the scar, and tried to comfort him with herself, which I felt was understandable from her perspective. She’s been wanting to protect him this whole time now that she’s closer to him, and I can see why she would be willing to do anything if it would satiate his wrath. She just wants him to be the happy person that he is with Utsusemi and Ageha… I see, Gakuto wants revenge because this woman was supposed to elope with Yoshino (his dead friend) since they were in love, but on the day of the elopement, she never appeared, and Yoshino was captured and punished cruelly, thus leading to his death. Considering that she was the first one to fall in love and go kinda crazy about it (she slashed Gakuto with a razor during one of her quarrels with Yoshino?), I’m curious about what the true reason for her not appearing actually is. It’s saddening that this caused Gakuto to unable to find it within himself to truly trust love, nor to truly invest himself in friends since he believes that it will only hurt him, and he can’t take that anymore. It’s so painful to hear that Gakuto had since then spent all his life rising up in the ranks as a geisha just because he wanted a better information network to find this woman and get revenge on her. It’s heartbreaking to think that it’s the only thing keeping him alive. It was sweet of Kiyoha to tell him that despite what he says, he’s someone that’s a big softie, no matter how much he wants to distance himself from others, he’s too kind, it’s impossible for him to really not care about Utsusemi and them.

I thought it was really sweet how Gakuto specially ordered fireworks in the shape of flowers for Kiyoha, it was really cute how they played with the sparklers🥰 I think it’s nice that regardless of what burdens Gakuto is carrying, he can’t help but feel a sort of fondness towards Kiyoha. If this was real life, I’d be sceptical of Kiyoha going to Utsusemi and Ageha for advice on what to do about Gakuto and his revenge, especially since she barely knows them, and who knows if they’re really friends with Gakuto or enemies considering their work. Anyway, this is an otome game and all the LIs should be good boys so we’ll ignore that hahaha. I’m just glad Kiyoha consulted someone before Gakuto did anything rash I guess. Tbh, when Gakuto plead to Kiyoha asking her to not abandon him, and that she promised to stay with him forever, my heart really broke. I know she just wanted him to come to his senses and stop focusing on revenge, but the way she said things to the broken Gakuto really hurt. I’m glad she didn’t really leave though. Gakuto’s plan to use Utsusemi and sacrifice him to get the woman (by telling the authorities that they’re trying to elope) really showed how much hate is within his heart, as well as how much he is willing to give up all his emotions and relationships for this revenge plan. I’m glad Kiyoha got them to spread rumours that Gakuto might be thinking of eloping just so the others at Ohgiya would watch him like a hawk, it’s a pretty good idea considering she can’t be there 24/7. Considering what their relationship was like in the beginning, I find it really sweet how much she wants to protect him now, and how unconditionally supportive she is towards his worrying mental state. Seeing him finally sleep peacefully when she was by his side was really nice but saddening. I found it really heartwarming to see Asagiri and Takigawa both worry over Gakuto due to the rumour spreading a bit more crazy than I thought it would. It’s saddening that Gakuto can’t see how important he is to other people. I can see why Musashi would want Kiyoha to just choose another geisha, especially considering how dangerous it could become. My heart broke when he said he will always devote his life to Kiyoha and that’s why he wasn’t able to agree with her actions, it hurt when she said she’ll set him free then, she’s so blind to everything else but Gakuto🥺

I kinda got scared that Gakuto really was going to kill the woman and they would have to stop him from getting too crazy lol. But it seems that Kiyoha’s feelings finally got through to him, and all he really wanted was for the woman to apologise to Yoshino’s grave. Can’t really blame the woman for going nuts and being scared of Gakuto tbh lol. Can you believe it though? The reason she didn’t go to elope with Yoshino was because she didn’t think he’d take it so seriously. Like wow, knowing the consequences, who would joke about it? And why would they give you a time and place and everything if they weren’t serious? She obviously just abandoned him and wanted to make herself feel better by saying she didn’t think he’d take it so seriously. It’s honestly disgusting that to this day she still can’t admit that her actions caused his death. I find it saddening that Yoshino loved such a selfish woman. On the other hand, because Gakuto left Ohgiya to look for her (and end up finding Kiyoha!) so now he’s been like jailed for running away… The only good thing is that everyone knows about this revenge story now, so they’re not too harsh with him. It’s kinda ironically funny that his popularity is booming even though he’s in jail lol. And he’s back in a jiffy! 

Honestly, the thing with the woman got a bit draggy, but honestly it was heartwrenching when Gakuto talked about how before all this was resolved, he would always dream about the day Yoshino was screaming as he got captured, then beat up as punishment, and when Gakuto finally had the chance to sneak food to him, all he found was his lifeless body. It’s just so terrible to think that he had to experience something like that with someone so important to him when he was so young, it’s understandable for him to have been so adamant about revenge. I think it’s pretty cool how Gakuto paid off his own debt, it really shows how popular and well loved he was with customers and the people at Ohgiya. I found it hilarious how corny and cheesy Gakuto was on their wedding day, but I think it was really sweet and refreshing to compare to how he was towards Kiyoha in the beginning. It really shows how honest and heartfelt his feelings for her were because he couldn’t word it in any other way. It made me so happy to see them happy like this considering everything that happened. The other ending is pretty interesting! I kinda like that in this ending, he does get married with Kiyoha, but instead of taking care of her business alongside her, he stays as the keeper of Ohgiya to maintain order and protect the district, I feel like with what happened to Yoshino, it’s something he would like to do so that such a tragedy wouldn’t happen again to anyone else. Omgg is this the only route where Kiyoha actually has a kid?! Because dang is their kid cute lmao. I loved the sequel!! It was so sweet to see a lightened up Gakuto playing with kids and being so loving and protective over Kiyoha, I enjoyed it! Kinda wish it was longer but it’s all good.

Overall, I think I love Gakuto the most. I honestly didn’t expect it because I didn’t like the eyepatch look, but I’m actually impressed and happy that there was a reason for the eyepatch, I honestly thought it was just going to be a design thing hahaha. I think what I loved most about this route is that even though it was dramatic, I felt that it was done really well. I also liked the transition of Gakuto and Kiyoha being like a playful stubborn couple that weren’t able to really show their affection until Gakuto’s past caused him to nearly mentally break. I think it showcased nicely the ups and downs of a relationship (in a dramatic way of course) that wasn’t too contrived. I felt that the portrayal of Gakuto’s pain, his grief, his fear and his indecision alongside his love for Kiyoha was done really nicely, especially when accompanied with Kiyoha’s unrelenting love for him and protection of him. I also really loved how much Utsusemi and Ageha was a part of it as Gakuto’s friends and to help Kiyoha save Gakuto since she couldn’t do it by herself, I think it’s great to see that it wasn’t just love that was able to help him, but it was also because his friends were there that everything could be resolved in it’s own way. I also liked how things weren’t resolved as peacefully as it could have been if the writers wanted something cliche (since it ended with the woman’s accidental death), it really felt like they thought about it imo hahaha. Anyway, I really enjoyed this route!

[atopearth]

Fate/stay night Réalta Nua Part 7 - Last Episode + Overall Review

Last Episode So, basically, in order for Shirou and Saber to be together, Saber had to wait for a very long time in Avalon (I assume) and Shirou had to pursue her endlessly after his death? That’s interesting. Honestly though, I didn’t expect this “true ending”, it’s kinda saddening as it is sweet, but I guess it’s mostly sweet because I’m sure even though they both waited/travelled a long time, Saber’s smile at the end shows how worth it everything was. Saber looked so girly though! I think I would have preferred a different dress, but it is really cute and I guess it’s probably something Shirou has always wanted her to wear since she never really got to be the normal girly girl she could have been. Anyway, it was nice but nothing biggie. In all honesty, I found how the Fate route was perfect as it is and I didn’t feel like romance was really the main point of it so I never really cared for whether they got together or not, but I’m sure a lot of people would have liked to see it, so I can see why they made this. It’s a happy thing though, so nothing say much about other than I’m happy for them haha.

Overall Review Phew! I think I really binged through the VN haha! Aside from Heaven’s Feel, I think I nearly spent time reading through it every day because it was so engaging haha. I enjoyed it so much more than I expected and would definitely give it a 9/10. Although it has lots of flaws and stuff I didn’t like about the story in each route, I found the VN nevertheless immensely entertaining. Not only were the character interactions great, I think Shirou’s motivations and his personality were portrayed really well, so well that I couldn’t help but feel so emotionally affected by him. I think I might have loved him the most tbh, even the girls can’t compare! On the other hand, Rin is still my best girl, then Saber, Illya, Taiga and Sakura. Yes, Taiga is so great (even though she barely appears) because she’s hilarious or great (as a true teacher) when she appears, and omg, I didn’t think the Taiga dojos could be so good. Honestly, I looked forward to getting dead ends etc because I loved to see Taiga shouting at me for being dumb and making that choice hahahaa.

Anyway, for me, the highlight of FSN was definitely the characters. Because without them, the story can be pretty repetitive or questionable, especially UBW. I’ll admit that UBW probably had the least engaging fights because as I said before, I think the power balance and the choices of Caster were pretty…silly imo haha. But I honestly enjoyed Shirou’s battle with Archer and Gilgamesh because they were more mental battles (which I prefer) than physical ones and just as Shirou won against them, I think his drive and determination won me over really well too. Same can be said with the Fate route, Saber was really OP the more things she got back such as her sheath, but I think seeing her and Shirou both discover how similar yet different they were, and how through their differences they found an answer to their respective determinations and beliefs really made the Fate route great. So when I compare the two, I have to say I loved both routes just as much. Which is pretty surprising because I honestly thought I’d like UBW much more haha. Anyway, I think the most hilarious yet saddening thing is that in the anime, I never liked Shirou because he was so bland and boring but OMG, he’s so great in the VN, he’s my number one🥺 I love how even though he might seem like the typical guy that’s like I need to save everyone blah blah, but he’s really a guy that’s so adamant about it to the point that it’s literally detrimental to himself but he still persists. Even though it was a dream that was passed on to him through Kiritsugu and he felt responsible in achieving it, you could really see as the story goes on that just as he’s so lost about these beliefs, he is also really level headed and determined about them, he’s not just blindly following them because “this is the right way of life”.

Heaven’s Feel was a route I wanted to like, but I think Sakura and her personality really made it difficult, I liked the story and how things went, but I just didn’t have the same strong feelings that I did alongside Shirou, like, I did in the other routes but just not this one and I kinda feel bad about it, because it’s true that Sakura had a really tough life but sympathy was all that I could give her lol. Anyway, as it is with a lot of these VNs, at some points each route was draggy in their own senses, but really, I still liked it because I think the draggy bits just made you understand the characters’ motivations even more and even better, so it was still great~ 10/10 for emotions, 7/10 for story haha, and since I’m a person who puts more value on the feelings a VN produces in me (and the characters!), that’s what makes me give FSN a 9. I legit cried, not as much as I did in Hakuoki (legit cried in most routes haha, and they were rivers of tears!), but the heart wrenching moments really made an impact that will be hard to forget. Oh, and the soundtrack omggg, I love it, so amazing! I know people seem to prefer the original soundtrack for Emiya but I honestly love the new remixed one more, it has both that energy and that solemness to it and I really like that. Sorrow is also a great one! And!~ I never realised that FSN has a fan disc/sequel called Fate/Hollow Ataraxia!! Well, time to read through this one too then!

[atopearth]

Fate/stay night Réalta Nua Part 6 - Heaven’s Feel Route (2/2)

Day 11-16 Aww, Illya was so sweet and thoughtful to wake up early and help suppress the pain on Shirou (from Archer’s arm) while he was asleep. I found it really cute how Shirou nonchalantly asked Sakura if it was all right for Illya to stay in the house forever, and that since she’s his partner and this is her home as well, he thought he should ask her for her permission and opinion. Sakura blushing was adorable haha. I loved how awkward it was when Sakura and Rin made lunch together, but I loved how Shirou gave Sakura the courage to call Rin “nee-san”, so that now they can finally kinda chase back the times they lost as sisters. I find it hilarious how Shirou always says unexpected things to Rider and it makes her put her guard down lol, he’s like her weakness since she can never keep up her cold exterior for long when it comes to him. It’s so cute how Rider was self conscious about her height haha. Shirou is right though, Rider is so tall and beautiful, it totally suits her. I also really liked how Rider seemed to appreciate Shirou going all the way to the shed just to give her his morning greetings (even though it was afternoon lol), it was funny when he admitted that he forgot about her until now lol, because I totally did too.

I feel like Shirou and Sakura don’t get to talk about much (aside from cooking and blushing at each other lol), so I’m kinda glad they got to have a little talk about how even though she and Rin weren’t really “allowed” to interact, Rin would still greet her at school and watch her practice at the Archery club. And it’s nice to see that Sakura appreciated her doing that. Lol at Sakura being subtly ruthless about Shirou being crappy at magic🤣 She’s probably right about Shirou being the “strongest” out of them three though, I think his pure determination and will is something that cannot be matched. Not sure what Sakura was talking about, but does that mean Shirou actually only has 7 days to adjust to Archer’s arm or he’ll die? Aaaand, no I don’t feel sorry for the piece of shit Shinji lol. I can understand why he’s the way he is, and sure you can blame the grandfather and his own father for raising him to be like that, but honestly he was a shit from the beginning. He always thought he was special and great because of their family origins even though he didn’t have magic circuits, but he always treated Sakura like trash and a servant because he was happy that he “was better” than her, that he was learning magic and she wasn’t. So when he realised that he was the actual trash that wasn’t the successor, and his grandfather and father stopped pretending to be nice to him, he just outright hated Sakura even more because she’s the actual special one, and she’s apologising to him for taking his place that was never his. He hates being pitied as trash and that’s probably why he hates Sakura, but really, even if Sakura wasn’t there, that place never would have been his either way. And he’s treated Sakura so badly her whole life, I honestly don’t care about him and never will. He’s so entitled and is like the epitome of everything I hate in a person, I would never feel anything for him tbh. I’m so glad Shirou took care of her right.

Umm, I hope Shirou isn’t being controlled or whatever and is doing some of those killings at night… Or maybe he’s just losing his memories due to the effects from Sakura draining his magical energy? I feel for Sakura though, she can tell that she’s slowly losing her mind but she doesn’t want to lose Shirou to anyone and wants to be beside him as much as she can because she loves him more than anything else. It’s just heartbreaking that he’s the thing that’s giving her some sanity but at the same time, his existence is causing her to want to destroy everything in their way so that she can keep their life together. I’m starting to think that Sakura might be a yandere and kill Illya and Rin to keep Shirou to herself though, very worrying… And is she turning Shirou into a sex craving monster?? Loll. Like, just as she needs to do it for magical energy, will it in turn consume Shirou to the point that he’s going to die if he doesn’t do it with Sakura or something?? It was saddening when Illya told Shirou that it was impossible for them to live together forever, because they both don’t have long to live… It’s also pretty saddening to see how much Shirou wants to ignore the fact that everywhere the shadow lingered, it smells and reminds him of Sakura. I guess that’s understandable though. Initially, they believed that since Sakura hadn’t killed anyone yet, she could be saved and should be saved. But if he were to realise that the shadow is actually Sakura, he’ll have to accept that Sakura has killed lots of people, numerous people, and she continues to kill people as long as she exists and there’s nothing that can really stop her. Not only will he then have to accept that he must kill her to stop her, he will also have to accept that it was because of his decision to save her instead of kill her back then that has caused all these people to suffer and die. How many people can really accept such a thing? I feel like Shirou’s gonna break at this rate… On the other hand, Sakura’s already broken lol. I guess by getting hurt by Gilgamesh and then swallowing him whole she’s finally realised that these “nightmares” of a monster walking around town was really just her going on a feeding spree. Not sure if she can accept it though, since she only seems to focus on the fact that for the first time, Shirou asked to have sex with her and not the other way around, so she thinks that she has to do anything she can to preserve and protect the life she has right now. By allowing her to live this long, Shirou has only caused Sakura to become more greedy and desire him more, and that’s probably facilitating her desire to need to “eat more” and never feeling satisfied, because in the end, what she wants is Shirou, and she needs to survive as long as she can to experience this happiness as long as she can…

I was wondering when Rin being fond of Shirou due to her seeing him high jumping would be relevant, and OF COURSE it would be heard by Sakura to further agitate her and think that Rin is stealing everything from her, whether it be the “good life” she could have had or the guy she likes the most. Not to mention Rin is telling Shirou that if it comes to it, she won’t hesitate to kill Sakura and told Shirou to think about that too, so yeah… Honestly though, at this rate, I feel like Rin dying might be the only way for Shirou to “wake up” and force himself to realise that he can’t let Sakura stay like this any longer. Or I guess killing Illya would also cause the same effect. Zouken took the broken fragments of the holy grail from the last war and embedded it into Sakura??? I’m surprised there was anything left that could really be put into someone but okay… I guess that’s why the shadow exists to “collect souls”, since it’s basically the holy grail that wants to complete itself by consuming souls? I’m not sure what Zouken wants by telling Shirou to kill Sakura before she becomes even more berserk? Is it because she’s not the holy grail he wants now, so it’s best to get rid of her? But anyway, I guess it’s making more sense now as to why Sakura is losing her human functions such as not being able to move etc, since she consumed so many Servants, and the more she consumes, the more she’ll need to use her functions to maintain them rather than to maintain herself as a human. She is losing herself at a rapid rate and there’s no way to really save her… It was kinda sweet to see Shirou being happy that Illya was fine and would still be able to retain herself as Illya even if she consumed Rider and Assassin as the holy grail. Or maybe Zouken is trying to get Shirou to kill Sakura just to get her to be even more out of control lol.

Honestly, when Shirou wasn’t able to kill Sakura, rather than resolve, I felt apathy and acceptance. Apathy towards Sakura killing so many people, and acceptance of the fact that protecting Sakura means betraying all his beliefs and his whole reason for living all this time. It felt like he accepted that there was no going back after this, and I guess Sakura felt that, because she laments about how her weakness is causing Shirou to break and be in pain for every step he takes in protecting her. Although I do blame Sakura for causing Shirou to have to make such difficult decisions and break himself over it physically and mentally, I was really happy when she forced herself to stay awake and not sleep, so that the shadow couldn’t go around feeding like the “nightmares’ she always had. I was also happy when she used her last Command Spell to order Rider to protect Shirou until the end. Even though Sakura is the cause of all Shirou’s problems, I can see why Shirou is willing to sacrifice everything for her. The fact that she can remain so pure and thoughtful despite her experiences is somewhat of a blessing, and honestly the problems she causes are out of her hands most of the time and is all because of Zouken, so I can understand why Shirou would be so adamant on saving her when the world has always been so unfair to her. Well, I guess I’m not surprised that this "impurity” within the holy grail is what “created” the black shadow and it’s now practically consumed Sakura enough for them to be like “one”. But her sanity restricts it, so as long as she’s Sakura, she can still restrain it~ but that thing that will be “born” from her with the collection of all those souls the shadow is eating sounds dangerous… Hmm how interesting that in order to save Sakura, the only way is for her to completely become the holy grail, and then for Shirou to use the power of the holy grail to eliminate the crappy stuff inside her while she’s still sane for those few seconds or whatever.

I have to say, seeing Sakura desperately want to protect the secret that Shinji was raping her all this time from Shirou was pretty saddening. Saddening that it was what ended up breaking her sanity and forced her to numb herself to the fact that she had killed her brother, and that killing someone could be so easy, as long as she wanted it, she would have the power to kill them. It was saddening to see that happen. As expected, Zouken wanted Shirou to break Sakura by betraying her, and in the end although Shinji was the one who pushed her into it, her love for Shirou contributed to it. Honestly, seeing Illya sitting down on the porch thinking about whether Sakura would come first to kill her/take her as the holy grail or whether Shirou would come and take her away with him was saddening. She’s accepted her fate that she’ll die no matter what, but I’m sure she really wants to spend whatever time she can with Shirou instead. On the other hand, I’m pretty disappointed in Sakura, understandable but still disappointed, because from her talk with Rin, you can tell she’s still her, she’s just allowing her negative emotions and thoughts overtake her and it’s honestly disappointing to see, mainly because all I can think about is that Shirou sacrificed himself for “this”, he sacrificed everything he was to help her and yet the one that isn’t helping her the most is Sakura herself. Although I kinda feel that she’s doing all this so that Shirou can be thoroughly disappointed in her and “give up” on her and kill her to prevent any more innocent people from dying, but still, I’m annoyed at her always being the one to give up when Shirou never gave up. I know she thinks it’s too painful to see Shirou compromise his morals and beliefs for her, but at the same time, now that he’s already done it, I really wanted them to power through it together to find a way to save her instead of resorting to this. Nice reassurance to have Rider save Shirou from herself though~ it’s kinda funny that even though Illya is the “youngest”, she’s probably the most mature and understanding one (despite how childish she can be when she’s with Shirou lol), she knows and accepts what her role is and is not one to falter against it. Illya’s farewell to Shirou was pretty heartbreaking.

I loved their interactions when Shirou reunited with Illya at the castle. Shirou’s pure desire to save Illya from all this even if it’ll end badly was honestly touching, mainly because Illya is obviously trying her best to do all the risky stuff so Shirou doesn’t need to, but seeing Shirou come to save her from it was just sweet. Illya’s smile is definitely worth it, and if I have to be honest, I much prefer and enjoy Shirou and Illya’s relationship in this route than with Sakura lol. LOL at Illya and Kotomine thinking Shirou was insane for jumping from the third floor of the castle without magic (although he did strengthen his feet) even though he just followed them because he didn’t want to fall behind haha. Although I knew Kotomine isn’t one to really sacrifice himself, I didn’t expect that his teachings of God was something that could kill Zouken. Now that I think about it, I think one of the reasons why I like Saber, Rin and Illya more than Sakura is because I feel like despite how logical they are, they would always prioritise protecting Shirou even at the expense of themselves, and that’s something you see in Sakura at times but I feel like most of the time it’s Shirou who does that instead.

I liked Shirou’s fight with Berserker, it was pretty cool how he was able to take off the cloth on Archer’s arm and project Berserker’s own weapon and fend him off, obviously it wasn’t possible for Shirou to really win, but it was Berserker’s hesitation in hurting Illya that allowed Shirou to actually win though. I’m surprised that Kotomine actually had a wife and child in the past because he wanted to experiment whether he could love another person, and she even killed herself to try and prove to him through her death that he loved her. Honestly, even though he thinks he didn’t love her, I think in a certain sense, he actually did, not necessarily romantically, but I think through her, he was able to understand that although he enjoyed seeing them when they suffered, he stopped experiments like these after her death. Regardless of what he truly feels, I think a part of him wasn’t interested in seeing such a thing happen again, and in a way I guess that was his kindness and love after dealing with her death? Or maybe I’m just thinking too much haha. Although, I do believe so, mainly because when you watch Fate/Zero, when he saw how devoted Maiya and Irisviel were towards Kiritsugu, I think aside from his hatred of Kiritsugu having everything he wanted (emotions etc) yet discarding them for saving humanity, it also reminded him of this wife he once had that possessed the same undying devotion to him as they did for Kiritsugu. I think even though he didn’t really “feel it”, he was touched by it in his own way. White hair Sakura looks all right, but yeah honestly, Kotomine is right, this “evil personality” of Sakura’s is really just herself. She just can’t accept that she has such dark thoughts and hates everyone so she tries to make it as if all these disgusting parts of her aren’t actually a part of her, when really, they’ve been a part of her all this time. It really shows how pitiful she is and how saddening her life is though. She’s been wanting to keep herself “pure” and kind so as to be good enough for Shirou, but really, Shirou would embrace her darkness if she allowed him to.

Ohhh so the thing Sakura is “giving birth” to is the eighth class of the Holy Grail War that the Einzberns broke the rules to summon and tainted the Holy Grail… Hmmm, I knew that since the Servants just get absorbed back into the grail when they die it didn’t really matter whether the Masters fought and died or whatever, but I didn’t realise that everything about the war is actually done to achieve this immortality miracle called Heaven’s Feel, which is some sort of sorcery (something that cannot be achieved with magic) that is the ultimate goal of every magus, and I guess that’s why Tohsaka’s dad was so intent on winning the war previously. And I guess we can see why Zouken wanted to achieve this so much, since Heaven’s Feel elevates the soul to a higher dimension and allows them to still influence the physical world, so I guess basically he’ll be like some kind of god or being that won’t die, but would still be able to stay in this world as a “human”. And hmmm I see, the Great Holy Grail is the magic circle that uses the land administrated by the Tohsaka family and it is with the combination of this and the Holy Grail by the Einzberns that they can use the absorbed spirits and everything to open a hole to the land where they can get unlimited magical energy. The story of the anti-hero Angra Mainyu where he was used as a sacrifice in a small village to be viewed and tortured as the epitome of all sins and evil in this world in order to create the impression that everyone else must be good because he embodies all evil already was just ugh. Not that it’s not believable, just…bland and unnecessary imo. And this embodiment of evil is the shadow of Sakura wanting to kill all humans because that’s what his role is I guess.

Initially, when Shirou took Rin’s pendant with him to hold onto whenever he felt like he would lose consciousness, I thought it was just his way of thinking about the person who saved him and getting some motivation from that, but now that he’s talking about it with Rin without realising what it actually is anymore (due to the side effects of using projection with Archer’s arm, which leads to him being unable to retain a lot of memories), it might actually be because Shirou is being influenced by Archer’s memories and emotions as well. Archer really cherishes that pendant alongside Rin, and seeing Shirou cherish it so really made it touching. Even if Archer is gone and only his arm is here, Rin remains the most important person in his memories. I’ve been waiting for Rider to do something again, so I’m happy that she’s cooperating with Shirou because she understands that Shirou’s goal has never changed, he will be on Sakura’s side until the very end, just like she is. Honestly though, Tiger Dojo 38 was pretty cool, you get to see Saber and Shirou face off against each other and Shirou actually wins! Well, he sacrifices his life to keep Saber there and allow Rin to go save Sakura, and we don’t know what really happens, but I think it was nice to see that Shirou was able to fight so vigorously and win. I thought it was really sweet how Shirou went around the house before the last battle and was able to recall all those precious daily memories of Sakura and how important she is to him in his daily life. Even if his memories are foggy and even if he is in pain, Sakura drives him on and renews his resolve for saving her. Even if he’s forgotten everything, he won’t forget her and I think that’s really heartwarming.

Ooh so Zouken’s main body is still alive, I was wondering how anticlimactic it would be if Kotomine really killed him in the forest lol. I think it’s more fitting for Sakura to be the one to kill him, especially since he’s the one who tortured her all these years and is still doing the same thing right now. Honestly, Zouken’s end was pretty cliche, but it was pretty satisfying to see Sakura squish him like the worm he was. To think that the worm inside of her was his real body though. I’m glad he’s done though, Zouken was a pretty boring villain tbh. Tiger Dojo 40 was pretty saddening! Like, I can so imagine Shirou not being ruthless enough to kill Saber even though he has the chance, but his kindness ending up leading to Rin’s death is so real and sad. Rin deserves better!🥺 I love how in the Tiger Dojo, they tell Saber fans to give up on getting a good ending for Saber in this route because there’s none, and that if they want one, they need to go to Saber’s route hahahah. Time to do the normal ending first! I really felt the pain and grief when Shirou stabbed Saber though. It was honestly heartbreaking to see all his memories with her flash, and see how in order to save Sakura, he needed to harden his heart and sacrifice others that he could not save. He chose the path of killing others to save Sakura, and he killed someone that was once so faithful to him. I guess one of the reasons why I don’t like Sakura as a villain is because in a sense even though she’s not as disgusting as Shinji, she’s similar to him in the sense that everything she does is as if she’s throwing a tantrum. Throwing a tantrum that she’s the only one suffering, that no one cares about her and that everyone is living a good life when she has to suffer. And just like Shinji, she doesn’t really use her brain to fight, she just uses whatever powers she has accumulated through her hatred to deal pain on all the people around her until she satisfied, it’s just that she can never be satisfied.. Honestly, I feel like the way Rin is towards Sakura throughout this route has felt rather…awkward and a bit unlike her imo, but I guess maybe it’s because of how awkward her relationship with Sakura is. The only obvious thing was that at this point, even though Rin excelled against Sakura in battle experience and brain in using the gem sword against her etc (which I’m honestly surprised that Sakura’s use of magic is limited by her weakness as a mage even though she has an inexhaustible amount), with Sakura crying at how painful her life had been, and with how much Shirou had all this time shown to Rin his resolve to save Sakura, it was expected that Rin wouldn’t be able to kill her. It’s just terrible that it took Rin to die for Sakura to realise that everything she wanted was already there, she just allowed her negative feelings to take over her.

Honestly, I felt rather dissatisfied with the normal ending. Using a projection of Caster’s Noble Phantasm to break Sakura’s contact with Angra Mainyu was nice and interesting though, didn’t really think it would work that way for this too. Anyway, my dissatisfaction! Maybe it’s because it played out as expected with Shirou sacrificing his life to save Sakura, or maybe it’s because I was dissatisfied at how Sakura chose to live her life after Shirou sacrificed his for hers. I think it’s probably the latter tbh. I just keep thinking about everything that happened across the 16 days, about everything that happened between Sakura and Shirou, about how difficult it was for him to give up himself to save her, about how much he loved her and gave her his everything, and yet what happened in the end? She spent her life protecting his house and wallowing in their past memories! Like, yes it’s romantic in a sense, and it totally suits Sakura’s personality to do that, but it killed me! I feel like Sakura’s love is just so “blind” that it fails to grasp what Shirou wanted for her. He wanted her to live a life of freedom, and a life of happiness with others like her sister. But instead of achieving that, Sakura just felt estranged by something new (instead of her past, it’s now Shirou), guilt at being the one who survived and feeling like she needed to stay in his house and isolate herself. Honestly, it felt so much like a bad ending lol. I guess as Rider said, Sakura needs Shirou to be there with her in order to really live, but seriously I’m still annoyed though, because it felt like such a waste. I understand that Sakura isn’t someone that can stand up by herself or be supported by anyone aside from Shirou, but sigh, such a waste. I felt like if she at least tried to fulfill things Shirou wanted to do with his life or what he wanted to do with her after saving her etc, it would have been much nicer. Sigh.

Ooh so for the true ending, Kotomine is there trying to protect Angra Mainyu. Before this, I didn’t really understand why he wanted it to come into being, but after his talk with Shirou, it’s understandable. Kotomine has at a certain point onwards always thought that it’s because he had a defect from birth that caused him to become a person that can only live happily by seeing people in pain and in grief. But what if he’s wrong? And I think that’s what he wants to explore. What if all along he was blaming it on something outside of his control, but really it actually was within his control? And I think that’s what he wants to see from this birth. When it’s born, will it have the emotions to understand what it has done all this time (killing people) and grieve over it or laugh at it, making it “evil” because it can differentiate between good and evil. Or will it instead just continue to be what it is not knowing emotions, and thus unable to be “evil” because it doesn’t understand what evil really is and only does what it has been born to do? I mean, it’s crazy for Kotomine to give it a chance to live and kill people, but it is something to be curious about haha. Honestly Zouken still being alive was so suitable for the worm that he is, but I really didn’t care for him finally coming to terms that he had to accept the Makiri line ended with him because he was lacking rather than because the land wasn’t suitable for them, and that living was more painful than death anyway. Like, at this point, he better be dead! Lol. I’m so sad. I honestly didn’t want to see Illya have to be the one to die instead of Shirou, but I know that if Shirou died, Illya probably wouldn’t be able to have the same happiness she has now anyway, but still!😭 Oh wow, Rider in casual clothes is certainly different lol, still beautiful though. Hmmmm so even though Shirou’s body died, Illya was able to use the Third Sorcery to revive Shirou’s soul and give him a body free of wounds, so even though that body isn’t really Shirou, it is Shirou since it’s his soul, so basically he’s just in a new form but he’s who he is haha. Although the ending felt lacklustre, it was really nice to see a more mature and beautiful Sakura and Rin, they look so good!!

However, I find it difficult to describe my feelings when I think about Heaven’s Feel overall. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either, and I personally think it’s due to the lack of emotions I felt towards Sakura. In terms of the story, like others have said, it is the “darker” route, but in all honesty, I felt like that was it all it was. A lot of the route involves building up Sakura as an unconscious killer that isn’t redeemable, yet Shirou chooses to sacrifice everything for her, which is all right, because I really felt his feelings of love and resolve, but that was only in the first half. In the second half, I felt the story was lacking, and even the emotions it rode on was lacking, the only thing that wasn’t too disappointing would be the fights, but since the first half is literally just Sakura eating everyone, there aren’t that many fights to begin with, but at least they weren’t as frustrating as the fights with Caster in UBW lol. Anyway, I really wanted to relate to Shirou’s strong determination towards saving Sakura, but I couldn’t. Sakura felt so much like a two dimensional character to me that I just couldn’t relate to how much he loved her and was willing to sacrifice for her, and unfortunately since the whole route is focused on that, the ending and everything didn’t move me at all, I felt so apathetic. I honestly felt more for Illya than Sakura. I feel like Sakura’s route wanted to show something like bitter happiness with Shirou’s physical and mental sacrifice of his whole being for her, but it’s hard to relate when Sakura isn’t worth it lol. I’m sorry, Sakura. 

I also think the thing with Angra Mainyu and the Great Holy Grail etc was boring and unnecessary. But I do acknowledge that Sakura was never meant to be a great villain or last boss kinda thing since it has always shown that this was all caused by her immense suffering and negative feelings that couldn’t be controlled, she’s really just a nice girl. But that made it boring imo. I related to her desire for an ordinary happiness, but I got a bit tired of relating to her needing everyone to die or suffer for it. Heaven’s Feel just really didn’t have the same relatable pain that Saber and Rin’s routes brought out within me even though their respective routes had their own problems. But I guess that’s what stories are like, none of them are flawless, but if they affect you, then they’re usually good, and I could very assuredly tell you that the Fate and UBW routes portrayed the goals of their routes very well, but HF didn’t. I also think HF is lacking because it doesn’t build up Shirou’s thoughts and emotions as well as the other routes too. In HF, he’s constantly losing his memories due to Archer’s arm etc so all he really does is recall his past with Sakura in the first half which can be nice and emotional in itself but it’s repetitive and bland because they’re just flashbacks lacking depth imo, and since most of the second half is Sakura kinda finding a way to die with Angra Mainyu without hurting the others, you really don’t see any more development for Sakura. So yeah, sadly, HF has more cons than pros and I can’t find it in myself to like it even though technically it seems to have less problems than the other two routes haha. Oh well.

[atopearth]

Samurai Love Ballad Party Part 6 - Takeda Shingen and Uesugi Kenshin Routes

Oh man, how scary to be the heroine! She nearly got killed for “trespassing”, lucky Kenshin saved her! Good that she’s alive but having to pull these “gifts” from Kenshin to Shingen on a cart sounds so rough… And I feel so sorry for the heroine, she doesn’t deserve this treatment for being thought of as a spy😥 But omg, the heroine was so cool when she stared Shingen down because she refused to give up on living since if she were to die, they might really get her brother to be the poison taster here. I always admire how strong the heroine is and how much she loves her family and how much she can sacrifice for them.

Wow, Shingen is so kind! He had a welcoming party for her and after asking why she became a poison taster, he even said he’d take her family in under Takeda so they won���t be troubled anymore. I think I agree with Shingen though, the will she had shown at that time really represents the person that she is and I wouldn’t regret believing in her either, even if she were to betray him later on. Hahahaha I love how cute and innocent Yukimura is, he’s so freaking adorable hahahah. Omg though when Shingen pinned the heroine to the ground, I really can’t tell what he planned to do, like was he really going to forcefully claim her?! Does he already know that she’s a girl? Did he want her to be honest about that?? Very brave of the heroine to just run away like that though, like I mean, what if Shingen does something to her family because she ran away? He probably won’t but still… How wonderful for her to fall and hit into Kenshin, why is he always in the forest🤣

Ooh Kenshin’s castle doesn’t allow women? At least Kanetsugu seemed to understand her situation back at Takeda after seeing hickeys on her neck, and he’s even kind enough to just say that she has to hide that she’s a woman if she wants to stay. But lolll heroine always gets caught as a girl when she’s changing🤣 LOLL at Kanetsugu lecturing Kenshin for wandering off all the time and bringing back useless things😂 I think I can understand Kenshin’s way and reason for keeping all these seemingly useless things. It’s true what he says. There’s probably billions of rocks in this world, but the one that came before him and caught his attention was this one and it couldn’t have been any other one. So even though there might be many like it, only this one was there at that time, kinda like the heroine I guess. She just happened to fall on him from the sky, I mean, where else is that going to happen lol. Omgg it was so cute when the heroine told him to pick his favourites and to start from there to try and get rid of something he doesn’t like as much as the others (since Kanetsugu told Kenshin he has to throw something away if he wants to keep the heroine), and the first thing he picked as a favourite was her without hesitation!

Kenshin hugging the heroine and comforting her and touching the marks on her throat was just so gentle and heartbreaking. It was nice that he hugged her to sleep but omg when he refused to let her go in the morning because he was cold lolol. I don’t know, but I’m so taken with Kenshin that I don’t want to go with Shingen later hahahaha. When he said he’d show her how he can protect her on the battlefield, my heart kinda warmed up☺️ I don’t like Shingen claiming her as property and that’s why he gave her a mark on her body😠 Honestly I don’t really accept his apology but I do understand that he’s probably used to winning over whatever he wants. Still no though. But omggg Kansuke was so cute when he told her to pinky swear and promise that he’ll never tell Shingen that she slept alone with Kenshin when she ran off hahaha. At least it was obvious to him that nothing happened between them so there’s no mistaking suspicions.

Shingen really goes to all the extremes though, I mean, having so many extravagant kimonos for the heroine to choose from and revealing to everyone that she’s a woman?? Is he planning to make her his concubine? Lmao at Yukimura though, he’s so cute and innocent as always, I love him. But wow a kimono with shibori dye sounds so intricate and amazing! It’s basically a dying method where they do like 10000 knots or something on the kimono so that some parts won’t be dyed and others will be, so that they can make a very intricate and detailed pattern, the thought of it sounds so labour intensive already, let alone actually doing it! It must be really expensive and special. No wonder why the heroine is so shocked to receive such a thing, and Shingen even said that one suits her most.

I’m actually quite interested in Kansuke tbh. I mean when he helped her tie her obi and told her he had a sister and that’s why he knew how to, it seemed like the path that he chose to be here must have been a saddening one. Especially since he said as one who lives in the moonlight and darkness, he can have no siblings and that’s why his sister thinks that he is dead and he lives as if he has no sister… But I think the idea of him even knowing how to tie an obi because of her means that he really loves and cherishes his sister, which makes it all the more saddening. It was really cute when the guys kept teasing Yukimura for being so innocent and knowing nothing about women, but I really didn’t expect Shingen to suggest that she marry Yukimura. I guess he knows that he’s dying soon so he wants to know that Yukimura is in good hands and that he won’t need to worry about him not finding a wife?

I guess all the heroine needed was for Shingen to tell her to not leave and so she stayed to repay their kindness. Wonder what their age difference is if Shingen was thinking of taking her in as an adopted daughter of the Takeda so she could marry Yukimura before hahaha. I can’t believe Shingen really doesn’t have much time left at all, he’s practically at the brink of death already… You can see why Kansuke is so worried and insists on him recuperating no matter what so that he can live longer. Now he’s stuck on a mountain with the heroine hahaha. I’m happy that her feelings got through to him though, I’m happy that he will try his best to continue living. He’s rather brazen to be leaving hickeys on her night after night though!!😮 Trust Saizo to notice the hickeys when they get back though omg hahahaha. LOL when Shingen says they’re from him and that she’s his woman now, and all of his retainers are like, he’s so manly hahahaha.

I like how they both relish in the comfort and warmth of the other, and she really supports Shingen’s mental state. He knows that he must come home to her now so hopefully he takes care of himself. It’s so devastating how one decision could so easily lead so many of Takeda’s men to their deaths, gunned down ruthlessly by the trap Nobunaga set. Not only did he have to witness the deaths of so many, but he also had to bear the guilt of his younger brother’s death at a place he thought would be safe for him, and now even Kansuke? How is Shingen going to accept all this? He’s the one that’s slowly dying and yet all these people who actually have futures are dying for him… How could he possibly be feeling… It’s just terrible. It’s even worse because he previously let Ieyasu and them go and didn’t chase them because of his illness and now that decision is biting him back very fiercely now.. It’s horrible…

I don’t want to believe that Kansuke is dead, I don’t want that..😭😭 I couldn’t believe it when Shingen said he wanted to commit seppuku, no, you’re not doing that Shingen!!! But I was surprised at how bold the heroine was when she bit into the medicine and gave it to him through kisses since he refused to take it, and she managed to convince him that whatever choice he makes, she will always be beside him. Dangg when Yukimura noticed that she slept with Shingen the next morning, how awkward lol.

But I think it was very heartwarming to see how faithful Shingen’s retainers were to he himself, rather than he as the leader of them all. He is a Takeda but he is Shingen and the one that they follow is the Shingen they’ve followed all along, I’m glad Shingen realises that a leader doesn’t have to exactly be a person that’s super strong and towers above everyone, what’s most important is that he has retainers he can trust to build this kingdom with him. I have to admit that seeing them burn the palace down as their means to escape was rather saddening, especially since everyone has been living there for so long and call it home.

Is the heroine pregnant though? I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised considering the amount of times they’ve done it lol. But that just means she’ll be in even more danger, she’s important enough to Shingen as a sort of mistress already so if she’s now carrying his child… Ieyasu won’t let her go.. Fighting to the death or giving up the heroine to Ieyasu as a hostage to spare everyone’s lives, I honestly don’t know what is right… All of Takeda’s men are brave and ready to give up their lives but they’re vastly outnumbered and if they want the heroine’s child to live, fighting doesn’t seem to be the best choice either… And I guess that’s why Oyamada had chosen to buy time by surrendering himself to Ieyasu, hoping that the heroine will escape. The hope of the Takeda is in her, especially with Shingen’s limited days, the child is even more important.

I am so happy to see more of Saizo! Especially when he saved her when she ran away and contemplated going back to help everyone, it’s difficult but you gotta prioritise the kid, heroine! Lmao at how blunt Saizo was, saying it’s obvious she has a kid considering all the things she and Shingen had done hahaha, that’s exactly what I thought🤣 I still find it crazy that Shingen’s father took over the Takeda clan at the age of 14! No wonder why he was so burdened with everything that he had to be forcefully replaced by Shingen, all that pressure, responsibility and all those lives resting on his decisions at that age, if he had a bit more time to nurture all that before he became the leader, things might have been much more different…

I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad that Shingen wanted to leave a life in her (the child) so that even when he’s gone, there’ll be something for her to live for, and to do that, he wants to create a peaceful environment so he’s working even harder in these wars. I feel so much pain for Shingen though, I think one of the worst feelings in the world as a leader is having to knowingly sacrifice the lives of your men as a diversion to keep yourself and your strongest men alive for a comeback later on. I’m sure they’re all prepared for this and are willing to die for Shingen, but having to make that choice must kill him on the inside… You’re literally telling them to die in your stead, it’s just heartbreaking…

It seriously broke my heart when Shingen covered Yukimura so that he could tell him to go and take care of his future child since he won’t be able to anymore. It must have killed Yukimura on the inside to have to leave Shingen there and protect the heroine and their child since he has always been ready to give up his life for Shingen. It was just so cruel to Yukimura that he had to live to be the one to carry Shingen’s child on his back and raise him in his stead. When Shingen died and broke his promise to go back to the heroine, I was so devastated. I was so mad when she nearly wasted his sacrifice by going to Nobunaga to beg him to keep her as a hostage instead of Shingen, like seriously! Luckily Nobunaga isn’t the type to just kill her. The only reassuring thing was that Yukimura found her and they could both mourn and depend on each other (although he ended up dying soon after as well…) Honestly though, didn’t like the rebirth thing with her and Shingen getting together in the modern day since Shingen wasn’t cool looking anymore and technically, they were different people so I honestly didn’t care and felt like it was shoved in just to make it a happy ending. Didn’t like it at all. Preferred it to have ended as that sad bittersweet ending, since even though she lost Shingen and everything, she still had his child to keep her alive and strong and I felt that that was the point of everything in the end, so having that modern bit ruined it for me. But otherwise, definitely did quite enjoy Shingen’s route more than I expected, it was pretty saddening.

Time for my favourite Kenshin~ Ohhh Kagekatsu is Kenshin’s adopted son?! It was so cute when Kagetsugu and Yoshichi noticed that the heroine was a girl and was about to say it out loud and then Kenshin interrupted to tell them that she’s called Yahiko and that she fell from the sky to aid them🤣🤣 The heroine is so cool, she even made Kenshin sweet sake as thanks for treating her so well and getting people to escort her back to Kyoto! It’s always so hilarious when Kenshin tries to go on his own merry way and Kanetsugu is like in your dreams and drags him away to work hahaha. Omggg Kanetsugu has a kid?! She’s so adorable! Lmao at him telling her not to get too close to Kenshin because he’ll be a bad role model😂 It’s so wonderful that Kenshin is a man that appreciates everyone’s role in society and thinks of every person equally as important, you can really see how much he cares for anything and everything, I guess that’s why he picks up so many random things and keeps them haha.

I’m surprised that Kenshin didn’t notice she was actually a girl. It’s good that she came clean to him, but I guess she can’t go home yet with the snow blocking roads. It’s with a heavy heart and burden that Kenshin is the way he is. He feels like a weak man that can’t protect all the things he loves since just as he protects them, he is taking away these things from others. His blood stained hands are something difficult for him to carry because he is such a kind man. I guess it was really shown when Kenshin saved the heroine from assassins trying to kill him but when he tried to pick her when she fell, she flinched at the smell and look of blood on him. It couldn’t be helped but it must have hurt him very deeply to know that he really is as foul as he thinks. I was so happy when they made up with the heroine telling him that she was scared but not because she’s scared his bloodstained self would defile her and that she and the others see him for who he is rather than a god, especially the Kanetsugu that’s always lecturing him lol. So cute that they’re friends now haha, Kenshin’s so adorable. Kanetsugu lecturing Kenshin like a mother is still the cutest though lolol. It was so funny how everyone was running away from eating Kagetsugu’s weird tasting mochi or dango, but then the heroine helped tell him what was wrong with how he was cooking it and then it turned delicious! Nice to see them bond.

You gotta love how touched Kanetsugu was when Kenshin was actually willing to part with some things in his treasury lmao. He’s really grown! Kanetsugu can be proud now hahaha. I find it so adorable that Kenshin can fold origami so well and delicately, so nice that he and the heroine spent their afternoon like that with him teaching her how to fold a flower, without even realising how much time had passed, I think that’s a wonderful way to bond. Also great that they went out together and he got a female kimono made for her with the fabric he gave her😊😊 I was happy to see Kagetsugu go to personally thank her for helping him improve his cooking, but I wonder why he’s not very happy about her being close to Kenshin? Did Kenshin used to be with Kagetsugu’s sister? Why did Kenshin surrender his life to this assassin?🤔

My heart broke when Kenshin said that anything that makes him happy is something he shouldn’t have. He doesn’t believe he deserves happiness because his most favourite thing was taken from him because he is supposedly a murderer. I assume Kagetsugu’s sister was killed by an enemy or something and that’s why Kenshin doesn’t want the heroine to stay here and be in danger since he’s so fond of her. I’m glad the heroine decided that she won’t leave and wants to stay here with him and pleaded that she wants him to live. Even if he doesn’t think he deserves to live, that doesn’t mean he really doesn’t, so I’m glad the heroine told him that and confessed to him too! I’m also really happy that he didn’t reject her and instead let her come into his heart☺️☺️

It was so cute when Kenshin announced their relationship by getting her to wear the kimono and holding her hand in front of everyone and telling them hands off hahaha. But I think the most touching thing was when he opened up his heart and told them that his rule for forbidding women wasn’t because of something like he didn’t want people to fight over him but because he understood that once a castle falls, the ones that are treated the worst are the women and he didn’t want that. But now that the heroine came into his heart, he wants to live without fear of that but to strive even further to prevent that from ever happening and I think that’s very admirable. Cutest thing was Kanetsugu looking over them with a gentle smile, he’s so much like a doting father hahaha. I love that Kanetsugu has so readily accepted her as one of them and takes care to explain anything she is confused about!

I knew Kagetsugu was the one wanting to kill Kenshin but I’m glad he realised the great man Kenshin is. The only heartbreaking thing is Kenshin succumbing to the poison from the battle, losing his strength to wield his sword and losing his eyesight to see the people he loves. I wanted to cry when Kanetsugu cried, I don’t want Kenshin to suffer… The only happy thing is that knowing Kagekatsu can lead the clan in his stead especially with Kanetsugu beside him, as well as all the other faithful and strong retainers. I’m just so sad that Kenshin can still joke around and be so optimistic about everything. I’m happy that Kenshin got to spend the rest of his days peacefully beside the heroine. But she’s right, his last wish for her to live until she’s an old lady really was so cruel… Of course you want the one you love to keep on living even if it’s without you, but when they promised to live and die together and the fact that his existence is what gives her life, it really was terrible of him to do that… But very understandable.

So, same with Shingen, they reunite in the modern day in order for him to keep his promise to make her happy. Still, the thought of Kenshin dying with his eyes that couldn’t see anymore still breaks my heart even if they could reunite in the present. Overall, both routes were tragic but also romantic and I think in terms of story, I might have enjoyed Shingen’s just a bit more, but in terms of the guy and the retainers, I have to say, I really enjoyed Kenshin and his relationship with Kanetsugu and the rest the most. Kenshin was so adorable as well so it was difficult to not find it all so entertaining. Shingen was passionate and strong whereas Kenshin was gentle and emotionally burdened, I ended up really liking the both of them, but Kenshin’s still the one my heart belongs to hahaha.

[atopearth]

Mystic Messenger Part 9 - Saeran/Ray/Unknown Route

Yayyy! Ray/Unknown route!! Talking to Ray breaks my heart so much though💔 Any time you express the tiniest amount of consideration or care for him, he gets so touched. It makes me feel so sad that he has never experienced something so simple. It’s so sad that even though Rika is using him, he feels like he’s useful here. It’s so sad that he hates 707 so much.. It’s so sad that….I hope we can protect him properly in this route.

When he talked about the pot plant that somehow grew two stalks when it wasn’t meant to, and how there’s the stronger stalk and the weaker stalk, you immediately knew he saw himself and Seven in it. How Seven is the healthy one living happily because he discarded Ray the weaker one, and so as revenge, he broke off the stronger stalk to use it as fertiliser for the weaker one. That simple analogy really shows his attitude towards Seven. Why do these twins have to suffer so much…. It’s pretty heartbreaking getting Ray’s hearts, since with the RFA, it’s mostly words that would hurt V and 707 and when it’s with Ray himself, I feel like I’m constantly feeding his insecurities and his sadness, making him reliant and obsessed with the heroine. But I guess this might be the best way to try and save him right now. But really, it was so kind of Ray to not give the elixir to the heroine because he doesn’t want her to be hurt by the side effects like he does. I wanted to cry seeing how considerate he is and yet he could never experience that consideration from anyone else.

I hate seeing Seven sad.. his phone call when he got told by V to not chase the hacker anymore was so down :( He seemed so heartbroken.. I hope V works up the courage, the responsibility and understands the need this time to tell Seven about Saeran.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that Yoosung is such a brat though, he tells people that they don’t understand him but it’s not like he puts in effort to understand the other side either, so what right does he have to criticise them? I hated how he said because his parents gave birth and raised him that they should understand him better or whatever, he’s the one that’s clinging to Rika and not letting anyone change his thoughts. He’s the most stubborn one that won’t listen to anything and he’s ughhh. His mum is just really worried about him and he says stuff like that on the chat, sigh. He says he’s disappointed in his mother for not understanding that he doesn’t want to forget about Rika and that he wants to find the truth, but counselling doesn’t mean he’ll forget about Rika, it’ll just help him organise his feelings, the only one that can change whether he forgets about Rika or not is himself, not a counselor. Frankly, I’m super disappointed in Yoosung, not only is he super annoying about Rika, but he has no consideration for others because he gives it all to Rika. Usually, I’m able to empathise with Yoosung to a certain extent and just not agree with him, but this time I have to admit, I really don’t like him and am extremely disappointed in how he is dealing with this. I’m disappointed that he’s spent most of his life with his mother and yet HE can’t understand her feelings and thoughts about this. Now, I’m annoyed about his whining lol. Rant over. On another note, Zen is just like a caring but naggy older brother hahaha, he’s so kind, too bad Yoosung doesn’t always appreciate it.

I am so happy for Zen that he got a main character role though, that’s great!! Gotta say that I was laughing along with Zen when Jumin said he wanted to try cross stitching because it’s just so hard to imagine Jumin doing that lmaoo. Tbh, I’ve always empathised with Rika to a certain extent but whenever I see and think about how she’s using Saeran and torturing him to get her personal revenge against V, I can’t forgive her and probably never will just because of how innocent and tormented Saeran has been all his life and yet she uses that and causes even more pain and torment to him physically and mentally! It’s absolutely disgusting and I just can’t bear to see Saeran suffer anymore! It hurts even more when Seven thinks that everything he’s doing is helping Saeran have a peaceful life when he’s actually suffering so much…

When V was talking about the daffodil that only withered more in sunlight and could only face the soil and take the nutrients from the flowers around it, I felt really sad… Daffodils are apparently Rika’s favourite flower..not that I really care for her but she’s important to saving Saeran since he’s so reliant on her.. I think the biggest mistake V made and continues to make in the routes is that he tries his best to save everyone by himself but he doesn’t realise that everyone is already hurting and that maybe, being hurt is better than knowing nothing and doing nothing. He also underestimated how difficult of a problem this was I guess and really should have let everyone else help him since it wasn’t just simply his and Rika’s problem anymore from the moment she dragged Saeran and other people into this.

It took some convincing but it’s true that in terms of dark energy, Yoosung is the one to teach that to Zen for his new character hahaha. It’s so funny when Yoosung starts talking all deep and poetic about the hopelessness in life for Zen to learn, tbh I relate a bit but it’s still lmao hahaha. Ray is so sweet for making a drink that looks and smells like that elixir for the heroine so that she won’t have to take the real thing and feel the pain from it. He’s already so busy enough and yet he’s caring about her so much.. Does he even sleep? I’m so worried about him..

OMG *SQUEALS* THE HEROINE KISSED HIM AND HE RAN AWAY!! He’s so adorable omg, I’m glad he’s starting to believe in the heroine more than Rika and that things might need to change, and that maybe he should leave this place. I’m so excited for a happy future and I’m so happy that the heroine is there for him but so mad that Rika is constantly manipulating him! Btw Elizabun the 3rd is the best, I can’t fault Zen for laughing so hard at Yoosung’s imitation of Jumin lolol. I mean, there was literally a phone call with Yoosung and he was talking about how pet bread is great and that croissants are popular but they leave crumbs across the table so you’ll have to constantly clean up its mess lmaooo. Save me, it’s so funny. It’s even more hilarious when Zen finally makes a breakthrough with his character on White and it’s so good that it’s making Yoosung scared hahaha!

As for Ray… It was expected that Saeran would appear considering the “cleansing” Rika did to him. Although he looks down on Ray’s personality and his tastes in the heroine, I think the fact that he thinks of the heroine as a toy to play with when he’s bored shows that despite their differences, there is some sort of feeling or affection Saeran has for the heroine. Omg… Those creepy Saeran emojis in the chatroom are so creepy!! They’re so scary! Scarier than the person himself lmao. But yeah, I’m scared for the heroine considering how crazy Saeran is. I absolutely hate Rika though, seeing Saeran scream for help from Seven pained my heart so much, I’m on the verge of crying. Just because Rika got hurt and is obsessed with revenge, she drags Saeran down with her, digging up all his negativity and trauma just to achieve her objective. She’s so disgusting and any kind of charity she’s done before does not cancel this out. Saeran’s suffered so much already and yet she has to continue tormenting him for her own personal benefit, it hurts so much to see Saeran like this. Please save him, Seven!! Saeran doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he’s just been manipulated into thinking that being “crazy” like this is the only way he can protect himself from others. I’m so mad that V hasn’t asked the others for help when it concerns them so much, especially Seven. He can’t solve everything by himself especially when Rika has her own army of believers! It isn’t just Rika that is involved, it’s Saeran too and he needs help!! Sigh. I’m so frustrated and sad that Saeran has to continue to suffer. And things are just getting worse because their prime minister father is on the hunt for them…

My heart is breaking so much… Saeran’s still treating the heroine as terrible as ever but Ray came back for a bit!! That means there’s definitely still hope! And despite everything, just like Rika said, I think that Saeran keeps the heroine there not just because he needs someone weak to show that he is a strong personality, but also because somewhere inside of him, even if he treats her like a toy, that’s how he’s showing his love for her. He loves her but he can’t believe in her love and so he can only treat her in this way to be close to her but also distance himself from her so that he won’t ever be hurt again. He loves her but is scared that he’ll get abandoned again, just like Saeyoung did to him when they were young. For Saeran, being abused by Rika or his mother was unbearable but still acceptable because they never abandoned him and that’s all he wants, someone that won’t dispose of him…. A part of him wants to believe in the heroine and that’s why I guess he’s doing all these things to kinda test whether she’ll stay with him no matter what.

I’m glad that the heroine got through to Saeran. Seeing him admit to his wrongs and apologise to the heroine that knew what he was thinking all this time… Knowing that despite all the depravity and hatred he shouted at her, he was the one he was truly shouting at, he was the one that was really hurt from all this, rather than the heroine. But the most saddening thing is that he thinks that the heroine only really cares about Ray and that she should live happily with him, when really, she loves Saeran himself and wants to protect all of him so there’s no way she only wants Ray! So, don’t disappear Saeran😢😢

I’m so proud that Zen told V to stop being so frustrating and thinking that everything has to be his responsibility! It is to an extent but blaming himself won’t get them anywhere! Seven is in trouble with his evil dad and V is still wallowing in where did things exactly go wrong! Best thing was when Zen said that the only person who can love Rika enough and correctly is herself. In the end, even if V loved her the “correct” way, if Rika doesn’t believe it or accept it or think that she deserves it, it won’t work out. The only person responsible for Rika is Rika herself, the only person that could truly help her was herself. Sure, V might have been able to help her if he did things differently but there’s no guarantee considering how her thoughts were, so really, no matter what he does, things could still have ended up like this. So, get a grip on yourself V and save Seven and Saeran with everyone in the RFA now!

It’s so wonderful to see Saeran and the RFA communicate and co-cooperate to save Seven from their father that kidnapped him. It was so heartwarming and sweet to see Saeran capable of being so happy and surrounded by others. It’s also great that he can finally live back in the light now that their father’s evil schemes and stuff he’s done has been brought out to be seen by the public. I’m glad the heroine was able to save Saeran, I’m still so thankful and happy about that.. the only sad thing is that we never got to see where Seven is. But as Saeran says, the twins are both really strong people that have been able to survive in the most dire of situations, so I’m sure Seven is all right. As for V and Rika, didn’t think Rika would “come back” so easily but she did so, yay I guess? As long as she’s not tormenting people anymore, I’m glad lol.

Overall, I’m pretty satisfied with Ray/Saeran’s route, I just wished that I could see Saeran and Seven happy together since that’s what they’ve always wanted and what Seven worked hard for.. but as long as Saeran is happy, Seven would be happy so it’s all good haha. It was a long but eventful 10 days. So many things happened but it was a good journey. Felt like the heroine had less of a personality this time around but that’s cool, since it was all about Saeran and that’s mostly what I wanted haha.

Now, to update my most favourite to least favourite routes! It would be 707, Saeran, Zen, Jaehee, V, and then Yoosung and Jumin are probably around the same to me tbh lol. But yeah! Now we just have to hope for a Vanderwood route I guess haha! Although, a Rika route is probably more likely lol.