#might end up deleting this tbh im so self conscious of my writing lol

[ambalambs]

I ended up writing a little something on Asra for once and maybe its late enough now I dont have to be embarrassed to post it and have too many people see it xD but idk I just felt like sharing cuz he's fun to explore and ive been consumed with his voidsent's backstory lately. Again im not good at writing but im having fun with it :'D also Leon belongs to the lovely @e-dragoons u3u

Asra finally slumped himself down against one of the many trees on the Sharlyan campus. It was a particularly warm day so the shade was welcome. He took a brief moment to take in the scenery, the sounds of the nearby river rushing along, the birds in the tree above him, the wind in the reeds and leaves. For a moment if he closed his eyes he could almost trick himself into believing he was back home in the forest.

But reminiscing was not why he was here. He quickly gathered up the reeds he'd harvested and set about weaving himself a basket. It was a silly thing to be doing really, what with the more modern cultures having plenty of shops with baskets already fully made and available for purchase. But Asra needed something to occupy his time. Leon and the rest of the scions were conducting their heroic daring-do in the library and he was of no use in such an environment. Probably more of a distraction really. So he resigned to a moment to himself on the grounds and once these reeds growing by the river had caught his eye he knew exactly how to waste his time.

He expertly began to braid and weave the strands together in smooth and quick motions. It had been some time since he'd made anything quite like this but the fingers never forget and as he let them do the work his mind was left to wander.

He was suddenly reminded of the time he made his first basket. He was so young, a small kit at the time. His older sister had sat him down and helped teach him claiming they had to hurry up and make some while the berries in the meadow were ripe.

Thinking back now it seemed like such silly timing for a lesson when they should've just gotten already made baskets if they were in such a hurry.

But at the time he was too young to question it. So he followed her instructions as best he could and crafted a basket of incredibly questionable durability. But he was so proud and his sister seemed satisfied enough with his work that the two immediately set out to gather their quarry.

Once their baskets were filled to the brim, although some berries being consumed along the harvest, they began to make their way back to the village. But tragedy struck when the bottom of Asra's basket had come completely unraveled, spilling the entire contents of the berries within. It was only then did he realize he had been leaving a trail of berries along the entire trail and had been stepping on them the entire way. Feeling heartbroken at the loss and embarrassment that only a young child can experience, Asra had begun to cry. His sister had quickly ran to his aid and did what she could to dry his tears and gather whatever berries could be salvaged into her own basket. She somehow managed to calm him down enough to guide them the rest of the way back home and by then Asra had calmed down and the two were able to sit and enjoy the berries from his sister's basket. As they munched and Asra observed his destroyed basket mournfully, his sister promised to help him get it right the next time.

Asra smiled softly at the memory. Such a memory of his sister brought up others then. Small moments in their childhood. Most happy, some sad, some just silly. Moments that felt like an entire lifetime ago.

"You miss her." Asra jumped slightly at the familiar and unwanted voice inside his head. He suddenly realized his lapse of focus in the moment. Moments like this when he almost feels as though he's alone and forgets to keep the wall up in himself against his unwanted passenger were rare. He quickly ran a check over that wall and catching the small window that had formed within it. The wall itself was still firm, keeping the creature at bay on the other side. But it was there and it was watching and had gotten a full view of his reminiscing.

Asra paused in his weaving then and did a quick scan about his surroundings. It didn't seem like anyone was around to hear his mad ramblings so he judged it was safe to respond outloud.

"I do, yes," he said softly. Funny how responding to the voidsent lurking in his mind aloud made him feel less crazy. Anyone to witness though would no doubt feel otherwise.

There was a pause then. Asra held his breath as he waited for that brief wave of exhaustion to run over him. The telltale sign of the voidsent feeding off his own aether while his emotions were full of sadness and longing for those halcyon days. However that feeling didn't come and Asra, though suspicious, let out the breath.

"You claim to miss her but that seems awfully silly with how you little rabbits live," the voice finally continued. Its voice was uncharacteristically casual. Although in hindsight it had been as such more often lately, Asra noted. "When I found you hadn't you already left her?"

Briefly Asra tried not to think about the moment it had "found him" so he quickly shoved that memory down. He instead looked out at the water in the river before him rushing by, chewing his cheek in thought.

"It's different now, I think," Asra began. "Before, its tradition and my duty to return home every few years so it was always guaranteed I'd see her again. But now..."

Asra paused. Now...yes what about now? He glanced in the direction of the library. He thought about Leon then. Of all the places they'd already journeyed, the lives they'd saved, the lands they'd seen that he could never have dreamed existed. Before, when he was first burdened with this occursed creature bound to his soul, he believed he was still serving his duty to his tribe by taking the danger with him out of the wood. He even kept his forest name in the foolish belief that he hadn't technically left the wood if he was still protecting it by leaving. But things were different now. Felt different. The thought of leaving Leon and the scions caused more pain in his heart than the thought of never returning home now.

"But now it's harder knowing I may never return at all. That it means I really will never see her again," Asra continued. He waited again for that feeling of the voidsent feeding knowing this wave of emotions was ripe for the picking for it. But again nothing came.

After a moment the creature spoke again, "I see..."

Suddenly a flash of a memory that was not his struck Asra like a lightning bolt. He jerked at the suddenness of it, his hands gripping the half made basket in his hands. It was just a moment of a memory. As if he was looking briefly through another's eyes at a young man. His hair jet black, his eyes a soft green. He'd seen eyes like that before. They were a near match to the ones he'd seen belonging to his unwanted passenger but instead of the pale sickly green that matched that of moss on a pale corpse, these were soft. A color more akin to grass dusted by the frost of an early dawn. The young man was looking back at him and he flashed a bright grin, a laugh escaping him. Asra felt like he had to squint just looking at him. The man was so bright. Like he was a beacon of light.

But then there was a cascading wave of emotions that came crashing down upon him all at once.

Love. Admiration. Pride. Hope. Love. Pain. Loss. Grief. Grief. Grief. Love. Hollow. Anger. Betrayal. Hate. Rage. Rage. RAGE. RAGE.

And then there was one word that almost seemed to scream through his mind: Brother.

Just as quickly as the flash appeared it was suddenly yanked away. Asra gasped audibly at the abrupt absence of it, gasping for breath that he didnt realize he had been holding. It felt as if someone had struck him across the head and he was reeling as he tried to recover. It was only then did he realize the loud hiss that was ringing in his head. Asra found himself reaching out for that wall between them in his mind and felt himself recoil. It was not just the wall he had made now, no. There was a darkness enshrouding it, keeping himself at bay.

"I-I'm sorry," Asra stammered, not exactly sure what he was apologizing for. The brief moment of accessing a memory he wasn't supposed to see? For whatever caused these emotions that were clearly the voidsent's from a life before?

"Keep your pity, little rabbit, and leave me be," the voidsent snarled. The casual nature of his words before were now gone and the familiar animalistic venom had returned. Asra winced at the volume of it as it rang through his mind.

He tried to take a moment to compose himself then. Steadying his breathing and recollecting his thoughts. There had been times when the voidsent had let its own memories slip through. They were mostly ones of its mortal life, moments of its cruelty even then. They were never like this though. Something unbidden and so rich with emotions. So strong.

Finally after a moment of silence Asra glanced down at the crushed basket in his still tight grip. He relaxed his fists and tried to smooth out the weaves, finally sighing heavily as the tension in his mind began to calm. The voidsent was silent, curled within a corner behind the wall it had reinforced. Asra chewed on his lip a moment.

"Im sorry...It's hard losing someone you care about," he said. Not really sure why he felt the need to say it considering all the torment this creature had put him through. But all the same whoever that man the memory was, he...was good. Asra had felt certain of that and the man deserved some kind of word.

The only reply Asra received was a guttural snarl. He half expected more. Maybe a tear at his aether but again surprisingly nothing came.

Asra waited a bit longer, the silence becoming painfully obvious that this would be the end of their exchange for the day. He took one final glance at the library and the surrounding area around him self consciously hoping nobody witnessed whatever it was he just experienced. When it seemed he was in the clear he quickly straightened himself up against the tree, wiped the tears that were not his from his eyes, and tried his best to return to crafting the basket in his hands.

[spadesinglasses]

Love Victor (series)

oooh new format for this post let’s get into itttt.

Below are my reaction per episode. I will be writing them as i finish each so its more clear and fresh and all that jazz.

Let’s see if tumblr posts has a word count limit.

lol wrong title earlier X_X

Note, the #glassthoughts tags is a reaction tag. Its never a review, or an intellectual essay about stuff I watch. I dont have the capacity to do all those.

Spoilers below so beware. Episode 1 is posted separately because I intend to make posts for the first and last epsiode only but that did not work out lol.

EPISODE 2

it took me a looong time to finish this episode. I kept on pausing it because something just feels so wrong about it. I didn’t know what it was when i was going through it, but when it finally ended it finally clicked.

The episode reminds me of the sentiment most homophobes use against gay people. “If you focus on the emotional part of the relationship, you will be happy with the opposite sex.” Growing up ive heard this phrase used against other people so much. Hearing it in my native language has always been a punch in the gut. 

And now this show who is supposed to be something happy and nice, is just having this kind of phrase of mentality just well up there.

I’m sure that its not Victor’s and that he is just exploring his sexuality. But the usual tinge of homophobia whenever he talks that he might be like Simon is honestly grating.

It’s definitely a me issue because other people seem to be enjoying the series immensely, but whenever Victor gets into that headspace, I just hear my child self crying myself to sleep because of internal homophobia.

Also i can see why people say  that for a show that is supposed be about Victor’s sexuality and growth, it does sure show a heck lot of heterosexuality of those who are around him.

Maybe in the future i will rewatch the series again with a more patient mind, but for now, expect me to skip a lot of scenes X_X

End

Episode 3

Okay the audacity of Victor saying “he tries” to be a good friend. Like dang okay chill with the lies. You’re already lying about your sexuality lmao.

Sorry im being very critical and bitter about this show, but i must persevere for the fanfics and fanarts i will gorge myself into later.

anywho reaction time!

Mia and Victor would’ve been cute if only Victor doesn’t sound like he keeps on enforcing this compulsory heterosexuality he has in mind.  BUT hey he might be Bi people! 

I keep censoring myself because of how bitter and hateful i sound. My apologies for the phrases i forgot to delete above and beyond this line xD.

Anyways im over anything about Andrew. He can go fuck his egotistical self. If the series will show 

Hmm i wonder if the term “Comp Het” will even drop in this series.

Back to reaction,

Honestly Felix is just a lesbian in a man’s body at this point. Making his own shampoo? Like wow give me some of that kind of friend. 

The number of times I rolled my eyes at Andrew is ridiculous. 

Whilst typing this part it was more enforced in my mind that Love Victor is just a “supposedly gayer” Teen Wolf without the wolfing parts.

Lake is Lydia Felix is Stiles Andrew is a walmart Jackson Benji is basically a less grumpy Derek or Danny tbh Victor is Scott

I really hate this idea now.

The parents drama! Honestly, very unnecessary in my opinion. Victor is already dealing with a religious family, now he has to deal with a religious and broken family? Like dang they could’ve just chosen one struggle for him, now everyone will think his sexuality is a consequence for his parents’ sin or sth.

Maybe it’ll play into a bigger plot twist in the future?

Maybe Victor’s mom is cheating with Mia’s father? Seeing as how there was an unnecessary shot of her father with the back of a woman facing on the camera which is weird but okay. 

Im theorizing now X_X

Anyways have y’all seen how poor Felix was so nervous because his goddamn friend isn’t there to supposedly help him?

Sorry im hating on Victor too much but this scene reminds me of how awful Simon’s friends are and like bruuuh is Felix supposed to be the lead character?

He really is like Stiles who is supposed to be the lead for Teen Wolf in my opinion, he’s just a much better written character that Sc/tt

lmao sorry my issues with other series is bleeding into this one X_X

End

Episode 4

Not much to say without getting too salty so moving onnn.

End

Episode 5

This series is just showing all the fear and pain i went through and am going through back when I was a teenager and til now. Without getting into any personal stuff, that last bs Victor’s father spewed just hit me so much.

I guess one of the reasons why its hard for me to watch Love Victor is because it shows me the teenager side of me way back when. Minus the girlfriend one because i never really persevered that much to tamper any likes for men. Internal homophobia really hit me back then tho xD

End

Episode 6

This episode is a mess and I hate it.

We saw yet again Victor literally using Felix’s ignorance and naivety to get himself out of a situation he put himself into. 

AND Felix even got the wrong idea or got fed with the wrong idea that the reason why Victor brought him along is to act as a buffer because he wasn’t ready to give up being a virgin or have sex in general. Yep that is definitely the reason, no other reason at all that involves making latte art with a known barista.

Lake and Felix kissed so there was that. I still am shipping Victor and Felix together despite Victor’s continuous bs with him being a good friend, but that’s just me.

And totally knew Andrew and Mia got a thing. If this blew up and hurt Lake im suing.

Lake and Felix are literally the two people keeping this show intact. Not gonna drop some political statement here no sir.

Again Benji needs to grow a personality out of this whole barista thing. One thing i am grateful for this show is that there was no family drama at all!

I think.

End

Episode 7

UGHHH MISS ME WITH THAT NORMAL TALK.

Ive been making a conscious effort to stop saying that heterosexuality is normal. That shit is hard to unlearn because its what ive always heard in my asian household for yeaaaaaaars. And now this twink is just gonna throw the term around like he has no issues with it. TO SIMON EVEN.

Like brooooooh. Im over my 2010 internal homophobia, no need to dig it all up again. Every episode.

Aww the dancing in different clothes is cute but,

FUCKING VICTOR LIED JUST FOR WHAT?

Homeboy be doing the most to keep his fucking sexuality from bursting out, with his foot both planted firmly inside the closer AND THEN THE NEXT SECOND would end up as if he is ready to risk it all just to see Benji naked.

I AM FUCKING livid, confused, and just intense emotion everywhere.

Ive seen a couple of dumbo scenes from other shows that got the “closeted” man be doing literally the most obvious shit that could make anyone catch them, BUT THIS, with how VEHEMENT Victor is against being “NOT NORMAL” AND THEN LIE JUST TO STAY IN A MOTEL WITH THE GLORIFIED HOT GUY, takes the goddamn cake.

The fucking hypocrisy man. Ive battled internal homophobia before, AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE ALL DEAL WITH IT DIFFERENTLY but holy fucksticks. I’m not this evil.

The thing is, there is so much a person could do that you could go “ah its because they are in the closet and is afraid to come out” before it goes to the territory of “fucking hell, this is not just about his sexuality, this is just him now doing stuff consciously to take advantage of his supposed fear”. The girlfriend thing is even waaay over the top, but we all went with it because he’s supposed to be figuring things out. BUT most of the time, he literally could not even imagine going beyond the line HE CREATED for their relationship. AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT HE WILL LIE JUST TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A GUY? Now he wants to test the male side of his sexuality? BECAUSE PORN DOESN’T EXIST?  BECAUSE LOOKING AT MALE UNDERWEAR MODELS IN THE UNDERWEAR SECTION IS NOT ENOUGH? HE NEEDS IT TO BE ACTUALLY PHYSICAL TO CONFIRM SOMETHING?

Im ahead too much, real time the scene im in the episode is still them about to leave the shop but holy fucking hell. If this lie ended up becoming something more in this same episode, expect more capslock because jfc.

And people will still claim he’s somewhat attracted to the other gender. 

AND SOMETHING DID HAPPENED. ANDREW AND MIA KISSED

FUCKIN VICTOR

Also i was very very worried that Pilar and Felix will be a thing BUT THANK GOD THAT DIDN’T BECOME A THING. Still unsure whether i like Lake and Felix together, but i love them individually.

I cant really comment on any of the parents drama because to be honest i skip them whenever its just her and him.

These two fuckers lie to one another. BECAUSE OF WHAT? THEY WANT TO FUCKIN STICK THEIR TONGUES INTO ONE ANOTHERS MOUTH? IS THIS REALLY WHERE THIS SHOW IS GOING? AND THEY ALMOST CENSORED IT BECAUSE ITS GAY? NOT THE OTHER HORRIBLE STUFF THAT IS HAPPENING?

Im tired.

But i hafta finish the show for fanarts and fanfics.

okay Benji has a legitimate reason for lying. I’ll take that.

See people you see me live writing this whole rant thing :D.

BOY TOOK MONTHS KISSING MIA FOR MIA TO ONLY SAY THEIR TONGUES GRAZE SOMETIMES.

bUT THE SAME GUY JUST WENT LAPLAPAN TO THE MAX WITH BENJI THE ONE NIGHT THEY SPENT TOGETHER?

REALLY PEOPLE? REALLY?

Huh I wonder back when I was his age, would I also just kiss the first gay guy i became comfortable with? Despite being so into the closet and battling internal homophobia via punching the walls?

Dang that monologue tho. We as non het doesn’t want our lives to be hard. But at this point, i stopped blaiming my own sexuality and just started blaming heterosexuals for making the world this fucking horrible for us. That’s when my internal homophobia SLOWLY lessen. It’s still there but hey at least every crosshair  is not on me.

Okay i get people saying that Simon is irresponsible for making Victor like put his family on the back burner for a bit etc etc. Also the reaction against Benji getting mad when Victor wanted them to stop being gay while in their house, is reasonable. Victor did calmly told Benji and his beau that his family is stretched thin etc etc. I get that. I get that sometimes hiding your sexuality for other people is what is necessary.

BUT  fucking please recognize how damaging that is to the person you are talking to. Even if you think Victor is in the 100% right about this, AT THE VERY LEAST acknowledge why Benji is mad. Sure he could’ve just left with his boyfriend instead of just staying there. And sure Victor pulled through in the end and put that dusty grandpa motherfucker to his place, but that’ll fucking sting okay.

Also i might be saying all this in a place where I’m not really that close to ANY of my relatives, so ya know, call me ignorant or ungrateful whatever.

END

Episode 8

Okay uhh Mia and Andrew is still a thing APPARENTLY.

AWW BRAM IS CUTE

Lol Simon’s “Yay boobs” like please Victor keep the heterosexual drama out of this chatroom lmao.

Also Felix group texting the others is hilarioussss.

If Victor touches or says one bad thing at Bram? its on sight.

Also Im not sure what to feel with Mia getting jealous at Andrew. Like girl you were the one who said he’s nothing, and now this? Issa bad look honey.

Victor is embarassing. Are all extroverts just this i dunno peppy? 

You know what makes me happy in this episode? Keiynan’s attitude bleeding out to Bram’s character. I love it!

Goddd Keiynan is so hot XD

hahahaha this episode is lighter thank god.

“why would they want to help a complete stranger” because they are good people and surprisingly they still exist! 

Ohhh So it seems like Nick Robinson filmed his scenes for this episode on a different day. Ive never seen him be with the main group. That’s weird.

END

Episode 9

Benji distancing himself because he wants to make his 1 year relationship work? Good guy! Him not saying to his boyfriend about the coworker of his kissing him? Bad move.

Sure we can all talk about how little stuff doesn’t need to be told to your lover if you’re sure its not gonna happen again. The thing is,  communication is key. Y’all will talk about communication being integral in a relationship but keep shit like this in the DL because yOU’RE JUST THAT SURE IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN? Fo real?

Also Benji is feeling guilty for a reason.

Vincent is very in the wrong for kissing a taken man just because said taken man is comfortable with him or showed vulnerability. Victor is in the wrong 100% and I’ll never forget that.

Felix and that hug with Victor is adorableeee. Love that coming out scene. Again raising my eyebrows at those who say Victor is Bi.

Felix showing what’s in his apartment is fucking great. No wonder we don’t see his mom or anything. They say that the saddest people are always the one who will do their best to keep everyone happy. Felix is being peppy, have these random phrases he use to just amuse people makes sense.

In this household, we protect Felix no matter what. HOPEFULLY next season we get to fucking know his surname or sth.

Again nothing new with the drama surrounding the parents. I hate them and honestly i am so annoyed by the father’s face and everything. (still have that hatred from One day at  time but we don’t talk about that here)

The letter is stupid and i wonder what Pilar will do about it. Are we gonna get a To All the boys i loved before thing?

OH Felix giving Lake an ultimatum. Wow what a move honestly. On one hand Felix has the right to protect himself. He wants to be free with who he loves, and keeping it a secret stopped being amusing because he knew what it feels like to hide a part of yourself.

Lake’s confidence has been obviously shot and damaged by her mother. Not saying that justifies what she is doing  BUT it came from somewhere. A night with Felix talking to her about his life IS NOT going to just uproot all those thoughts from her mind. As much as i love Felix, he is not a solution.

hmm what else. The father can go die for all i care. Lmao.

END

Episode 10

OH I THOUGHT PILAR KNOWS NOW BUT NOOOO

OH NOOO O NO NO NOOO

AND ANDREW STIRRING SHIT UP NOOOOOO

PILAR STOOOOP

NOO NOT PUBLICLY

OMFG

 I CANNOT.

Also i cannot get over Andrew’s actor looking like Stromae. They have the same eyes, eyebrows and expressions X_X

THIS IS WHY WE DONT KEEP SHIT BEFORE A PUBLIC EVENT. IT ALWAYS EXPLODES ON A PUBLIC EVENT.

YOU BET YOUR ass i skipped the whole confrontation scene. I’ll go back to it maybe or just look at gifs but nope. My cancer rising and moon can’t handle that shit.

Is ... is Mia going to see Victor and Benji together and then theorize? Because god freaking damnit im tired of that plot twist.

Oh Benji. Honey honey honey please don’t do whatever I think you’re about to do.

FUCKING NEW IT. CALLED IT. CALLED ITITTTT MIA FUCKIGN SAW I HATE VERYTHING.

....

wait the way the ending was shot is weird. The cliffhanger is weird. Everything is weird.

ILL MAKE A HUNCH that it was actually just Victor in his dream land thinking that coming out is that easy and that you just blurt it out.

Bet you the next season will start with no body but Felix and Mia and Andrew know about his sexuality.

The shot was too much on Victor. There was no sound cue from the family etc etc.  I hate the ending so much. Love Victor could’ve been so much more. Could’ve pioneered a fresh way to show lgbt stories and how coming out is this and that. Even if the show is for Gen Z and this generation, coming out should reflect to how coming out is generally perceived nowadays. But i guess that was too much. Foolish me for having my expectations waay too high.

The End