#miriaflowers

[miriaflowers]

literally can only fall in love with people who are unavailable smh

[miriaflowers]

an inexplicable sadness washes over me as I lay on the couch of this garden room. trickling water next to the bedroom window provides the perfect white noise to distract from the demons in our minds. the decor is whimsical with floral wallpaper adorning the walls of our getaway. at least, what was supposed to be our getaway. you would have loved it here. I would have cherished every moment of our time together. I love you so much that it hurts. I know what that really means now. for the ones we love we will do anything. for you, I suffer.

my heart hurts. all I wanted for my birthday was for you to be by my side. just for a moment. a precious moment forever suspended among my daydreams of happiness.

[miriaflowers]

I want to believe so badly.

I want to believe.

I want to believe.

in you and me,

in our history.

the one we've yet to write,

but one that feels so right.

at least it does in my mind.

will I be right this time?

please, please, please.

please...

I can't handle another dream

turned into another nightmare.

where I open my eyes and

you're not there.

you never were,

will you ever be?

don't leave me with this familiar misery.

[miriaflowers]

I just want someone to talk to

when the feelings are too much

and life is not enough.

want someone to care

that I'm not there

beside them.

could you ever have loved me

in the way that I need?

could you ever be

the one in my dreams?

I'm spiraling down,

doing everything I can

to keep myself afloat.

I'm afraid I might be

at the end of my rope.

[miriaflowers]

gentle reminder not to pour all of yourself into someone else until they *actually* choose you. my mind likes to create little stories to try and cure this loneliness disease but rarely is there ever a happy ending. all I'm left with is a sliver of hope, is it enough?

[miriaflowers]

I think I found my life purpose and calling. it's insane, I've never felt this way before. I was always so lost and directionless but now I have a very clear goal in mind. and it's attainable!! I want to create safe spaces for people at festivals. places for people to reset, take a breath, and also connect. I want pretty much everything to be donation based because money shouldn't be a factor in taking care of your fellow human. we all deserve love and space and time for ourselves, self care baby. I have been so fucking lucky to have this time to myself to heal and this is how I want to pay it back to the world. spreading love and cozy vibes. I'm so excited for this chapter in my life. it feels so good to be able to say that. to have a purpose, and within that purpose being able to spread positivity and warmth.

we all deserve love, I've been so lucky to receive the love that I have in my life. because truly, love is so healing. love is what sent me on this journey of growth and health.

I know how to create safe spaces for people and I want everyone to experience the love that I have been lucky to experience. even just a drop of love, you don't know what that will turn into.

I have been so lucky to have professional help with both the mind and body. to get to experience these festivals in VIP and see what it's like to have people cater to you and help support you. I want to spread that experience to everyone, no matter about the money. money shouldn't be a limiting factor in being able to take care of ourselves and truly experience self love. therapy, massages, pampering. things money can buy but you shouldn't need to have money to experience these things. I want everybody to get a taste of that good life, to learn how to take care of themselves better, to learn how to take care of each other better. we can do better, we can be better. I'll do what I can to spread the love and information, these are the things they don't teach us in school but they need. we're missing heart, we're missing compassion. I want to bring more of that into everyone's lives.

if I can teach even just one person how to love themselves, I'll die happy. that is the mark I want to leave on the world.

love, connection, warmth.

[miriaflowers]

might be my favorite photo of all time at the moment

[miriaflowers]

maybe I really am the problem

not like I didn't know that already

I love self sabotage more than anything else, apparently

[miriaflowers]

she messaged me this morning, which is middle of the night for her, complaining about not being able to sleep. it's all I ever wanted, really. to be the person someone thinks of when they're lonely and can't sleep. it's quite a special privilege don't you think?

maybe I'm not so crazy after all. I don't want to get my hopes up, though. nor would I want to get hers up either - what if I'm just a huge disappointment?

[miriaflowers]

I wish it wasn't so easy to lose all motivation to do absolutely anything. why do I need someone else to inspire me?

[miriaflowers]

maybe it was meant to be after all

in one way

or another

this connection was fated to happen,

I'm sure of it.

what it means?

that's the question for now.

[miriaflowers]

it all starts with sleep. sleep is the foundation on which we build our days upon. without it, the day becomes harder and harder. we can convince ourselves sometimes that we can go with little and it will work for a little but it will catch up to ya if you're not careful! pay attention to yourself, remember how valuable sleep is

[miriaflowers]

I'm really good at idolizing strangers. there's this girl, J, we met at the top of a mountain in Seoul. pretty great origin story, right? (how could I not fantasize about telling people that we serendipitously met on a mountain peak in a foreign country? moments like that feel like the universe pushing two people together that were meant to be) she's super cute, easy to talk to, and understands all the intricacies of being a human in this society who doesn't fit in. on a baseline level I feel like we have all the same values and our energy levels match quite nicely as we're both introverts but enjoy the company of the right people. and she happens to have an accent that reminds me of a dear friend of mine, whom I also was enamored with. I absolutely adore her.

I don't really know her, but after years of experience and wasted time with the wrong people I have a pretty good sense of who I'm looking for these days. and she definitely fits the mold. it's hard for me to shake because I rarely stumble upon people that intrigue me the way she does. maybe I'm shallow and weak and fall for any pretty blonde girl with an accent. maybe she's who I've been searching for all this time. the truth obviously lives somewhere in-between those two modalities but regardless she's made an impression on me.

she's currently spending a year living in Korea, how awesome is that? the draw for me to live overseas has never been stronger. I feel so much more connected to myself and others out there, even if I don't speak the language. the lifestyle out in Asia, at least Japan and Korea, suits me well. getting to walk around everywhere, gamer and anime culture, cheap food and the safety of a civilized society. other than the national parks the only thing my country does well are music festivals. one begins to understand why that is when you travel and see how life is in other places. our festivals have to be great (and honestly it's only down to a few these days) because we all need an escape of that magnitude living where we do. crime, corruption, capitalism, helplessness in a cold and distant society. nobody trusts anybody else. everybody seems like they're one minor inconvenience from being completely unhinged. and even with all the warning signs in the world, preventable tragedies occur because our terrible police force can't be bothered to do any good in this world (in particular thinking of the Maine shootings at this time). we're too busy fighting over whether being anti Israel and anti Zionist means being an antisemite (spoiler, it doesn't). genocide is happening in front of our eyes but our political interests are more important than that apparently.

anyways

I don't know how to break myself free of the spells I fall under with these remarkable people when all I am to them is an insignificant memory. I see people so clearly and fall in love with them so easily. at least that's what I tell myself. it's entirely possible that I'm fabricating everything I think I know about them because I'm so used to fantasizing. I don't know, though. I'm not usually wrong about people.

what's the point though if she's across the world and I'm stuck in my misery here? I need to get myself together. I need to create a life worth living. I need to have the freedom of being like "damn, I kinda like you, can I stay a little while longer to get to know you better?". and not be bothered by such trivial things such as money and a job. which, I know, is a bit of a catch 22 as what I'll need is money and typically that comes from a job. ridiculous system if I do say so myself.

I'm sure there are people here who will excite me in similar ways that J does. I just don't know how to connect with them. I also don't want her to be just another blip on the timeline of what ifs. I've learned that when you encounter those people that you can't help but want to be in their light, you try and hold on to them as best you can. those people don't come around often, at least not for me.

is it love or just BPD?

[miriaflowers]

a familiar theme, a familiar dream

I wake up at this point. I'm incredibly depressed this morning. another impossible dream. it's cruel what the subconscious does to you. my right hand hurts. it's always had this mild burning pain when my heart is broken. just another reminder of how alone I am and that I'll only ever find the love I want in another plane. it's so nice to feel loved by someone. it's torture waking up alone and cold with the harsh reality that you don't have anyone.

[miriaflowers]

bedtime trauma - a realization from last year

I just realized, consciously at least, that the reason why I can get anxious or weird about people sleeping in my bed is that I always made my father lay in bed with me until I fell asleep. I guess I always had trouble being alone at night. And that all stopped because suddenly he passed away. And that trauma never really got resolved. I just had to grow up one day. I used to sleep in the same bed as my mom early in middle school but quickly learned I was not welcomed there and I disturbed her sleep. Which is totally fair, honestly. I remember being a needy kid starved of physical affection. So I really enjoy when my loved ones sleep next to me, it’s a comfort zone for me that I haven’t had since childhood. And I think subconsciously I’m clinging onto anything that brings me back to that brief moment in life where I felt safe, happy, and loved. Before the trauma, before life decided to turn to shit for me.

I’m sorry if I get weird about that. It means a lot that you’re willing to share that safe space with me. Thank you for meeting me in my comfortable spaces.

[miriaflowers]

old but still relevant, migrating some memories over here

I’ve been talking to this girl, A, for the last couple of months. and lately we have started to talk more and more, but I’m definitely putting in a lot of the effort in keeping the conversation going. which is mostly fine, but I think that’s just more evidence that all the hope I’ve had of us is just in my head. I was convincing myself that she could be attracted to me as a potential more-than-friend but am I just lying to myself? I now know her ex was a woman and I don’t know if that immediately counts me out of being a potential partner. I like the concept of a bi-wife, where I would be the only male partner for her while she also dates other women. but who knows if she could even be into me in that way. I hope that there’s still a chance but I’m trying to temper my expectations. I kinda knew it was too good to be true. I kinda knew I’m just tricking myself again. there’s no hard evidence suggesting she wants to be anything more than friends, just a deeply buried wish from a broken heart. at least a broken heart can’t break any further, could it? an alien couldn’t be more foreign than they already are, right? I don’t know. some days I feel like this is where I belong and want to be. other days I just want to run away from everything and everyone and start a new life in Europe. I know I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, but why do I feel lonely around them? why do I feel like no matter what I do there isn’t actually a place for me in this world? I just want to belong. somewhere, and with someone. I didn’t think that is too much of an ask..is it? to belong to a place, to belong to a person. I don’t need money, fame, power. I just want to exist in this world with someone that wants to exist in mine. please, please, please. let me.