#mopey dearest desmond

[young--cheeseburger]

I noticed my disconnects from reality come in waves now. Lately I've been in this funk, im tired, its hard to focus, I cant hold conversations and use more detatched language.

I dont like this feeling but itll pass hopefully

[young--cheeseburger]

learning that im an infp-t really is putting a lot of shit that i do in perspective. granted i know i dont fit all the criteria of it but...i never realized how much agency i wasn't giving myself. and then today I read something where being "nice" is more of a trauma response versus being "kind" while i feel im both as i do things because i genuinely want to help others when i can...

this whole year has kinda thrown everything ive known about myself for a loop, im sitting on a lot of it. and now its like "am i who i think i am?" "who am I?"

maybe im just overthinking things.

where do i go from here, i wonder...

[young--cheeseburger]

I gotta get the hell out of here.

[young--cheeseburger]

"i used to change your dipers!"

Its like im walking past npcs who repeat the same dialogue. Thank you for helping assist raising a baby, you want a gold star?

What does that have to do with me now, especially when you've never genuinely tried to inquire or listen to me. Instead using my depression to make yourselves feel better.

It means absolutely nothing.

[young--cheeseburger]

you know...I’ve felt a lot more anger than sadness these days; its such a nasty feeling internally but I also feel compelled to act a lot more. For a long time it felt like I really couldn’t do anything and now, I can.

[young--cheeseburger]

...you know you‘d think after so many years they’d stop making fun of me for the way I talk but here we are.

[young--cheeseburger]

i cant help but feel like im playing catch up for the last decade of personal emotional neglect but hey better late than never

[young--cheeseburger]

.

[young--cheeseburger]

Mid-Year Self Reflection

I turn 24 next month and I've been depressed since I was 11-12 years old.

These past few months have been really eye opening and I've been learning more and more about myself and how I coped with the world for so long isnt healthy. Nor how I saw myself.

I knew I'm depressed but seeing the tangible depths of my depression come to bite me in the ass has really been eye opening.

Ever since I broke down in September-October of 2022, I've been in a state of mourning. As well as the most "unstable" I've been. Looking back at it, it was probably a long time coming.

Feeling like I failed college not only becauae its not easy to get into but also because I didnt put my 100% and then realizing that I can't do art as a full time job anyway really left me in a bad state because I covinced myself it was all I had. And it really felt like it was. Most likely being its something I genuniely enjoyed throughout everything, even me being depressed. Drawing was fun, being able to physically see myself improve was fun and wanting to get better at this skill that I had actually felt good. It felt really good. But I am also my own worst critic so that probably didnt help things either. And since its a medium that does require my emotions to put into it (even if its silly little drawings) I've cut myself off from those. Maybe not completely but I've been in this very stagnant state for a really long time.

Hell me saying that sentence says a lot to me. "Stagnant" is like a mental checkpoint for me since thats how I described my life in High School of all things.

There's a quote from Night In The Woods where Bea tells Mae "I stayed here and got older, and you went away and stayed the same." and it really hit me since Mae also had the opportunity to go to college and didnt change. Mae is a lot more "aimless" and wants to chill and hang around though. Meanwhile I give myself way too harsh standards and constantly fail to live up to them. (geez I wonder who I got that from) Both seem like ways to cope with becoming an adult the more I think about it.

Anyways.

I'm at least glad I have some awareness towards my problems and will always try to take responsibility for my actions when I can. Its because of these issues and a few other things that I lost a few friends along the way. Although its for the better really. I was taking a lot more than I can really give and I wasn't appreciative of friendships, nor the time given by them. And as we get older in life, the less time we're able to give. I don't wanna be someome whos holding anyone back or anything. And no friend should feel like they arent cared about.

I use apathy to cope with not feeling depressed but instead it turned off any other kind of emotion and it grew into me not feeling much of anything at all. No emotions to help guide choices, no emotions to share, no emotions to feel towards anything really. In my mind, if I stopped caring, things wouldnt hurt as much.

I usually didnt talk about emotions because I didnt want to dump on people but also because I kept invalidating my own feelings. A lot of people I know have been through so much worse and here I am. Still with a family, even though they throughly hate who I am as a trans man. I got hit a few times as a kid for making mistakes/disiplinary reasons but I had friends who's parents did so much worse. So who was I to complain in the face of all of that? I should be helping them get through it then worry about what I felt because my problems seemed minor in comparison.

Comparison, the same thing my parents did constantly when I was younger until I started being the one getting compared to. Because "I can do everything right" right? A perfect little mold even if I was a dying dog. Loyal, but at what cost?

"I'm sure theres people who care about me but I don't really care too much anymore. I That just means I am really weak. Useless even until the end. I want to die. The pain would only hurt for a little while before everything is over."

That was a consistent thought in my head for so long. And I've wanted to die for so long. But up to a few weeks ago, I had actual plans for doing it too. Several ways even.

It wasnt till an old friend told me that my ways of thinking were only making me feel worse. And when I told myself I'd listen for once, I did. Before walking out again because once again, I had taken someone's emotional labor for granted.

I realized now that, yeah people will always have it worse. And yeah I can totally do my part to make sure that the people I know, friends or strangers can at least feel better. But I have to realize that what happened to me hurt me too so I can finally let it go.

I want to move on with my life, I really do. It sucks not having a bunch of the adult skills I need (driving especially) but its never too late to learn. I have time and I need to start giving myself the time like I would for others. To stop being at odds with myself and try to be neutral with my existance, instead of not caring. To want to live, to hope, even if nothing is concrete. To be like water, instead of a brick.

Trying to say that last part with this capitalist hellscape in mind is hard but people like me have survived.

Maybe I can too.

[young--cheeseburger]

I really am stuck here (at this house) for a while

I'm not one to really talk about familial issues but it's starting to get to me as I realize just how much they affect me.

Today I went to a family event and felt like I shouldn't be there. Then when I got home I was reminded why I shouldn't.

My Dad was talking to one of older brothers about Trump and how he was growing to miss Obama.

Although he also said something along the lines of; "I like Obama but he passed abortion rights and gay marriage and that's why God has abandoned this country."

*snap*

I'm reminded that my family practically hates LGBTQ+ people and that because I'm trans, they hate me too.

It sucks because it seems like my parents do genuinely want to help me with my depression and I can appreciate it.

I know I can never tell them how I truly feel. Because, in a way, they helped it stay there too.

I'm not coming out to them and I never will. (At least not in person, I was thinking sending a letter after this five year plan I had in my head. But that's beside the point.)

It's crazy how all of these years I've grown accustomed to lying to therapists because I was afraid that they'd tell my parents that I'm trans or that I desperately wanted to kill myself.

I don't think I'll ever really be comfortable in my own skin because of my family and their own values.

I feel really helpless sometimes and I don't if I can really keep going.

It's funny how the future can look so bright and so bleak at the same time.

I guess I just have to see what happens from here.

[young--cheeseburger]

Something's been bothering me for a while.

I managed to dig myself into a hole and closed it off.

I'm usually pretty private when it comes to personal matters but the truth is I don't really know how to talk to people about personal issues.

But now that I'm writing this, I remember I don't really talk much in general and I think that's starting of affect my relationships with people.

For starters, I don't really do anything. Sure, I watch movies, TV shows, play video games, etc. But I don't really have a real hobby besides drawing and I'm barely doing that.

So most convos end up stale very quickly because I never really have anything of merit to say on my end.

I know, I should start doing other things to help this but there's also another problem.

I can't seem to really connect with anyone anymore.

Most of my relationships feel like arms length at best and lately I've been questioning various things.

"Why exactly do people like me?" "Do they like me because I serve them?" "Do they care for me?"

And then the questions start to come up about the other side. My side.

"What about this person do I like?" "Do I like them because they serve me?" "Do I care for them?"

And it gets frustrating sometimes because I don't have a straight answer considering how some of my relationships with friends work.

I don't know who to keep around and who to let go. No one has really done any harm to me but I can't seem to find a reason for some of these relationships anymore. I know I probably shouldn't feel bad but I do.

"But you can always make new friends right?"

The truth is, I don't know if I can genuinely create any connections at this point. I don't feel interested in meeting new people right now.

This probably has a simple answer and I'm overthinking things. But man, I feel like I'm at a crossroads with this.

[young--cheeseburger]

Weeeell hot damn

*slaps knee*

Boy I sure do hate that my family constantly wants me to talk to them about my feelings cuz they're all biased as shit and the second I tell them that I'm trans it turns into a large bitch of a goddamn unsatisfactory situation and I'm the problem.

"maybe meds will help you"

Meds ain't gonna do jack shit when it's my environment that's makin' me feel like complete dog ass.

Something's gotta change, y'all and I gotta be the one to do it.

[young--cheeseburger]

My thoughts are choking me again

I have a real problem with measuring my self esteem with how others think of me. It's getting to the point where I'm becoming unreasonable.

Or at least I think it's unreasonable.

I know it's my fault for being distant and not talking to people as much as I should.

Some friend I am, right?