#mother is gonna be soooo disappointed by tomorrow's result

[heartofanenigma]

I was delusional to think I could fall asleep cuz now i have an alarm at 7:20 and I'm not gonna be asleep for ages so I guess I'll just listen to Kun Faya Kun and wonder how life would have been if I did the last few months differently.

[hamilton-one-shots]

Hamilton High School AU 23

"Okay.. Alexander told me that he told you guys everything, but you shouldn't worry about me. I sell art and I make more than enough money to support myself."

"It wasn't just that.." He reached for John's arm, but he pulled it away and sighed.

"Give me a makeup wipe.." He took the wipe from Lafayette once he got it and ran it over his arm, exposing a web of scars.

"Oh, John..."

"They're older than they look, I promise. The makeup keeps them looking like that.."

Alexander felt sick. He knew it was bad, but he didn't think it'd be that bad.

"I'm getting better, though. I don't do this anymore. The only reason I did Monday was because I was freaking out.."

Hercules frowned, putting a hand on his shoulder. "How often do you panic?.. Preserved or not, they don't look very old.."

Alexander bit his lip before offering his own input. "When you did it... It didn't look like you even realized your nails were being driven into your skin until you saw the blood..."

"I don't do it often. It was my first time in a long time, in months. I'm fine," he snapped, clearly not fine.

Hercules decided it was best to change the subject for the time being. "Where were you staying after you got kicked out?.. You know my parents would've taken you in in the meantime or that you could've stayed here.."

"I got an apartment the next day, at the same building as my friend Maria. The owner hooked me up because I painted the building for him. I didn't tell you guys because I didn't want you to worry.."

"Jack.. We're your friends. We're meant to-"

"Why'd you cut?"

"It's pretty obvious, Alexander.." Hercules muttered.

"No, like why did you do it? It has to hurt and you hide it, so it's not for attention.."

John sighed. "I thought I did deserve it. Because I was just so helpless without my mom. It's stupid, but I thought I shouldn't have been so reliant on her care after..." He hesitated.

"You don't have to say, if you don't want to." That detail was one thing that Lafayette did know.

John shook his head. "No... Um... My mom.. She died during childbirth. And my dad didn't feel like dealing with triplets. So I had to do a lot with caring for them, with help from a few friends, Lafayette included. Only because he always visited my place and could keep a secret. My dad hated him and still does because he likes boys, so he took it out on me.. And.. Yeah... So.. The short answer.. I cut because I felt worthless and I thought I deserved it. I was an unwanted child.. But I know that its stupid. It's just.. A really bad old habit."

"... Oh...." Was all Alexander could say. It wasn't enlightened or disappointed, but an acknowledgement.

Hercules, on the other hand, gave him a sympathetic look. "You know... Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have both of my parents..." He may have been a surprise birth, but Hugh and Sarah loved him all the same. John's mother died and his father was more than abusive. Alexander also lost his mother and his father left. And Lafayette.... Well, he'd summed it up as his parents not having time for a kid, but nobody actually believed that. Hercules treasured his parents.

'Salut Monsieur! New Message! Meow!'

Hercules snorted at the tone, recognizing it even after all that time just as easily as Lafayette did.

"Can I take that?" Alexander asked.

"Well... I guess we are done.." Lafayette began. "Unless anyone else wants to talk?"

Alexander jumped up and looked at Laf. "Right! I'm not mad, I'm sorry, thank Martha later, bye!" He bounded to his room. He hadn't been mistaken in his worries, either. Jefferson had messaged him again.

[Was just thinking of you 💗 Wear something cute tomorrow, kay? xxx]

He choked a little, covering his mouth. [i dnt hv nythin speshal]

[Then ask Laf 😜 xx]

[i dnt wnt 2]

[Because he killed your rat, right? xx]

[tht was an axident]

[Then you've got no excuse xx] [Or I could always ask John to instead...? xx]

[il fnid somthin]

[Good boy 💗 xx]

Alexander whimpered softly.

John frowned and got up, following him.

As they left, Lafayette turned to Hercules, grabbing his hand. "Is something bothering you?.. You've been acting a bit funny since after school.."

Hercules tried to deny it, but Lafayette saw right through it. He sighed. "Okay.. I may have peeked into your drama class earlier.."

Lafayette frowned. So he did see... "How much did you see?"

"Just a lot of 'Yeahs' and a kiss... I'd say it wasn't bothering me, but you can read me like a book..." He sighed. "Seeing you and him like that... I hate that I'm jealous because this is something you're obviously really good at and really into. I don't want to get in the way of that."

Lafayette frowned and cupped his cheek. "Herc... I promise you it's nothing more than a stage kiss. The only feelings I have for him are disgust."

Hercules smiled at the reassurance and put a hand over Lafayette's. "I hope you know I'm proud of you.. I'm still wondering how I landed someone as wonderful as you. Talented, motivated, you're perfect. I'd follow you to the ends of the earth."

Lafayette smiled and pecked his lips. "You're my best friend, Hercules. I'm the one who should feel lucky."

Hercules smiled and moved a curl from Lafayette's face before leaning in for a kiss, chuckling as he muttered against his lips. "...Salut, Monsieur, new message. Meeeooowwww."

"Meow!" Rosie mewled from the under the bed, walking back out.

Hercules chuckled and scooped her up. "At least someone likes it."

John sat on his bed beside Alexander, watching him stare into the terrapin tank. "Hey.. Are you okay?.." He held his arms open for him.

Alexander nodded and hesitated before asking, "How do you think I'd look in dressy stuff?.. Like skirts or whatever?.." He leaned into John, resting his head against his chest.

"I don't know. I think you could pull it off," he shrugged, trying not to seem too enthusiastic without seeming offensive.

"Okay... And I know I've been acting weird, but I promise it'll all be good in the end."

"If you can promise me you won't get hurt, that's okay..."

Alexander simply nodded. He knew it was a lie. He knew that John would be suspicious the next day, but he also knew that this was to help John. He was doing this for John. "I'm going to a friend's house after school." He couldn't know who it was. He'd never let him go.

But he didn't have to tell him. This was getting beyond dangerous. "Okay.." He took a deep breath. "Something's clearly bothering you. I won't tell anyone if you talk to me about it.. And I won't make you tell me anything.."

Alexander felt himself begin to freak out. 'Salut Monsieur! New Message! Meow!' Instinctively, Alexander grabbed his phone, hiding the screen from John, and read Jefferson's new message.

[Do you know John Jay? He'll come get you tomorrow for lunch from your lesson 💗 See you in the morning, boo 😘 xx]

Alexander felt himself snap. "Y-you wanna know what's going on so badly?! Well, y-you're gonna have to k-keep guessing because I don't have t-to tell you a damn thing!" He attempted to shuffle back from John; a difficult feat when he was sitting on his lap. It resulted in Alexander toppling backwards and landing on the carpet with a thump. "Don't you have a-any f-faith in me?! D-don't you t-tru-trust me?! I trust /you/!" He hissed, pushing himself along the carpet.

Hercules and Lafayette would've had to have been deaf not to hear Alexander's outburst in the room next door, followed by the sound of Rosie charging back under the bed. "Jesus! We left them alone for what? Five minutes?!" Hercules exasperated before getting up from the bed and peering out of the room just in time to see Alexander shuffling across the floor, Lafayette right behind him. "What the hell is going on?!

"Fuc- shut up!" Alexander snapped at him, holding himself back from swearing in the house. That'd cause a storm with George he didn't want to see unfold. "You th-think I don't get it?! Th-that I don't h-hear you all talking soooo w-worried about me?! Well I'm fine! I'm p-perfectly fine! So fine, in fact, I'm gonna talk to L-laf about clothes and crap then g-go to sl-sleep because that's JUST h-how absolutely FINE I am!"

Hercules glanced between John and Lafayette, and the obviously not fine Alexander.

John felt himself shaking. He'd always been a worrier and he'd always hated it. And now, in his eyes, Alexander was screaming at him because of it. He grabbed his bag and ran towards the stairs, Lafayette chasing him. Right at the top of the staircase, Lafayette grabbed his arm.

"John, please don't go.. You know he didn't mean it. I'm not letting you leave.."

John shook his head. "I should've trusted him.. I should've listened.."

"You did nothing wrong." Lafayette pulled him into a hug. "You did nothing wrong. I'm not letting you leave.. Go to my room, okay? You can listen to music and draw and forget everything else, okay?"

John nodded weakly and let Lafayette lead him to his room. He sat on his bed and cuddled Rosie as she came up to him, listening to his music as loud as his earphones would allow.

Lafayette stomped back to Alexander's room and turned to Herc. "You go stay with John, okay?"

Hercules nodded and left and Lafayette sat beside Alexander.

"Alright. I will talk with you about clothes, if that's what you want, but you have to understand that we're worrying for a good reason. You go and get yourself hurt without thinking about how it affects anyone else and you say and do things before thinking. And, with Jefferson around, we have plenty of reasons to worry about you. All of us. We're your friends and we care about you." He sighed. "Now, what did you want to talk about?"

Alexander whimpered and tugged at his hair, the pain being the only thing keeping him from breaking down. "Laf.. You don't understand! N-Nobody does.. What I-I'm doing is-is a good thing and i-it'll be worth me acting-acting weird for a bit.. I'm s-so scared, b-but I have to protect John! I-I keep h-hurting him a-and I ju-just want to protect him!"

Lafayette sighed and pulled him close, helping him calm down. "Alex.. I want to help you, I promise I do. None of us want to hurt you. We only want to help you, I promise. It'll save John a lot of grief if you open up and just let us help you."

Alexander whimpered and gave Lafayette his phone, unlocking it for him. "H-Help.. Please..."

Lafayette nodded and looked through the messaged, his heart jumping into his throat. "Alexander... This is beyond serious.. I wish you would've told me sooner, but it's okay. We're going to help you. He already hurt John. I'll be damned if I let him hurt you, too."

Alexander shook his head. "He'll hurt J-John... I've got-gotta go with him and-and- damn it, I c-can take b-blow after blow if it me-means keeping him s-safe. And y-you! God, you-you already have to d-do some play with him an-and I see it on your face every time you mention it, how much y-you hate that he's there..! I-I can be a dis-distraction!"

"No, Alexander. There is absolutely no way I'm letting that happen. I promised I would help you and that is exactly what I'm going to do." He texted Jefferson. [This is Lafayette. You are scum among scum. He will not be going home with you tomorrow and you will leave John out of this. And you will not make him do anything for telling me this because I made him. It is my fault, not his.]

He got a reply soon. [What? He messaged me first :P He's so dead tomorrow, haaaah xx]

Alexander peeked over Lafayette's shoulder, his eyes going wide. "Laf, give me my phone! I can fix this! I can tell him it was a joke!" He reached for Lafayette's phone, but Lafayette leaned away, fighting Alexander off as he sent another text.

[He didn't do anything. I forced him to tell me.]

[We made a deal. I don't know what else to tell you, babe :P If Alex wasn't into this, he would've said no. Blame him, not me. xx]

"Laf, give it back!" As he flailed, his fist met Lafayette's cheek with an almighty clap.

[laceyeb]

DWTS Athletes Finale Recap

This is sooooo long. Sorry about that.

OMG YOU GUYS I’M STRESSED.

This is going to be my recap tonight which will just be like a horrifying mess of my thought process throughout the hour. Hopefully I don’t accidentally send this to my mother because I might use a lot of bad words…

It’s currently 5:27 PM out here in California and I am STRESSED.

I’m keeping up with the scores and I’m ready to do the live voting when it’s time, but then I’m out. I’ll head to the gym and somehow try to distract myself there. It’s not going to work, but we’ll see.

My feelings regarding the as of now unknown final results (I’m going into this, hopefully not too naively, assuming that Tonya’s third.):

Look. I understand where people are coming from when they say that it’s not just about the pro. It’s supposed to actually be more about the star, and also about their partnership and journey and skills and blah blah blah. I understand that. I 100% do. I promise. However, that does not mean I won’t be a hypocrite (without any hesitation whatsoever) and say I JUST WANT SHARNA TO WIN THE FUCKING TROPHY!!! (Also, is that super ugly trophy we saw like actually it??? How come the mirrorball on top looks like a miniature mirrorball?! I get that it’s a mini season, but spring for the real mirrorball you cheapskates.) If Jenna and Adam win (and I’m just trying to go into it assuming they are so I’m not as disappointed), I will be thrilled for them. They absolutely deserve it and I don’t think I could possibly argue that they don’t, though that might not stop me from trying. I love them both. I’ve always loved Jenna and I have so much love for Adam it’s not even funny. BUT if they win I’m going to be simultaneously thrilled for them and really really really sad for Josh and Sharna. (EDIT: I’m not that sad actually!) By the way, I love Josh, too! I’m not just in this partnership for Sharna! He’s been great this season and he has shown that he can both dance technically and perform (and we didn’t have to expect him to be as good as he is, whereas obviously Adam was going to be good). But again, I’m a hypocrite. I’m in it more for Sharna than I am Josh, but not only for Sharna. You feel me?!

So… Long story short: I WANT JOSH AND SHARNA TO WIN

And also like I’m gonna get over it if Josh and Sharna don’t win. I’ll be okay, just in case you’re concerned about my well-being. (I’m kidding. Mostly.) Like I survived James and Sharna not winning, so I’ll survive this. The sun will still come out tomorrow (maybe not for me though because I live in the Pacific Northwest) and life will go on. I get that. Don’t worry.

Ok. It’s 5:43 now and I feel like I’m gonna puke. I’m not gonna make it all the way to 9. I just won’t.

Random: I’m gonna be a little teeny tiny bit salty that Adam and Jenna have freestyle AND jazz. Just a little salty. Like the super fine salt I put on my popcorn. Just a little because I know that it doesn’t really make a difference. Not really. And as much as I do love Adam and Jenna, I’m about to contradict that when I tell you how loud I screamed when I saw they got 9,9,10 for their freestyle. I think I scared my neighbors cat who’s outside eating dinner right now. I didn’t stick around long enough to see anyone’s reactions to their freestyle (on tumblr, I mean) because I was too busy voting and then I had to get the hell out of there before I saw any results. So I’m curious where those 9s came from?!?!?!

The message I just sent to my mom: “The problem is that I know Adam and Jenna deserve it. But I want Josh and Sharna to win!!!” She says: “Yup”

Ok. It’s 6:00 so a whole bunch of you are currently partying like it’s 1999 and I’m off to distract myself at the gym…

It’s really stressing me out knowing that it’s already happened and I don’t know! Even though I avoid spoilers all the time. Then again, I looked at the results ahead of time for the last two seasons so maybe that’s it. Also why I didn’t watch the last two finales.

Ok. It’s 6:12 and NOW I’m leaving for the gym. If I leave the gym at 7:20, that’ll get me home 7:30 (probably 7:25, but I like a little cushion), in and out of the shower by 7:45, and sitting on my couch with popcorn and hot chocolate by 7:55. Let’s go!

I managed 50 minutes on the treadmill and I was sufficiently distracted by this really good book I’m reading. (Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley) Now it’s 7:41 and I’m showered and ready to make my popcorn at 7:50… Are you bored of my recap yet?! We’re getting to the good stuff soon!!!

HERE WE GO!!!

I saw Tom on someone’s instagram today (maybe Keo’s) and he was like, “Finale?! That can’t be possible! It’s only week 4!” Same… That’s another thing I keep reminding myself about Josh and Sharna. He’s very very good and it’s only week 4. Imagine what they could have done together in 10 weeks!

I understand we’ve only got an hour, but couldn’t they introduce the finalists with a little more enthusiasm…?

I want to just ignore Tonya and Sasha, but I’ll watch since at least I won’t have to do it again. I wonder if Sasha really believes everything he has been saying this season? Obviously he’s not going to say anything bad about her, but I wonder how much he really believes it, you know? I mean, she seems to be a perfectly pleasant person on the show if I didn’t know any better. She’s definitely a good dancer and I could really appreciate that if she was, you know, not her. If I didn’t have to spend every week hearing how I am falling in love with her and giving her a second chance. I liked the dance just fine. It was pretty enough. Still choosing to assume she’s third?! Actually, my mom looked at the results ahead (she always does unless I’m watching with her and make her wait with me!) and said they don’t announce second and third, but just first?

Bruno saying we got robbed of a Josh and Sharna Argentine tango YESSSS. COULD YOU IMAGINE?! It’s the finale and his first time doing ballroom?! Stupid. Idiotic four week season. I thought the dance was perfectly beautiful. He looked just a little like heavy on his feet? I don’t know. I’m no expert. But I also don’t really care at this point. It’s all over anyways. We got so deprived not having him on a 10 week season. He could have kept getting better and better every single week and him and Sharna clearly have a great relationship and partnership we have not had a chance to enjoy! (I got all hot and bothered at the start of their dance thinking about the way James and Sharna started their fusion dance holding hands. Sigh.) I spy Chris behind Erin! Hi Chris. I’ve missed your beautiful face since last week. Why is Sharna flipping the fuck out like their 9s are 12s?!

Adam and Jenna genuinely have one of the best (and one of my favorite!) partnerships I’ve ever seen on this show in 26 long seasons. I’m truly obsessed with how much they love each other. (I see Anna Trebunskaya behind the judges! Long time no see!) That dance was so fantastically creative of course. It was fantastic and fun and technically beautiful and all that good stuff. I personally thought the lip syncing was irritating, but I know that was part of it so I’ll let it slide. I would have liked some time to know exactly how these dances represented their journeys on the show. Particularly this one. Well shit. They love each other soooo much. Now I want them to win, too! If they do win, the strength and just pure beauty of their bond will make it worth it for me.

I thought I would like a short finale since there’s usually so much nonsense in those 2 hour finales, but this is TOO DAMN FAST! We’re halfway done already!

I cringe everytime Sasha and Tonya say that America has got them to where they are. Because is that really even true?! Obviously she’s been getting some votes since she’s here. I don’t pay that close attention to comments online, but even I know there’s 47 negative comments for every one positive one. Ok. So I’m a little like disoriented because honestly…? I think I kind of liked that?!?!?! I’m pretty sure there was a little section where she went out of sync near the end with her hands. (Carrie Ann! Go put your ass back in your chair!) I figured they would have gone for something dramatic and emotional and I appreciate they didn’t. Honestly, it really worked for her! It was a celebration of her (not that she deserves to be celebrated), which is what the freestyle is supposed to be… I definitely don’t like her (or Sasha) anymore than I did 32 minutes ago. But I didn’t hate that dance.

Um…. Hi Sharna?! Which one of them am I supposed to look at dressed like that in this dance?! Him throwing her over his shoulder and running out of the studio in their package was epic. I have so much to say and not enough time to say it! That was sooooo perfect for them!!! Sharna is absolutely brilliant. And you know what? Sharna comes out looking like that, but I NEVER took my eyes off Josh. (YES CARRIE ANN PRAISING SHARNA! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND HUG SHARNA IF YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH!) (Wait why is Artem coming?! Now I know! OMG!) Ok. Back to the dance. Spectacularly creative and brilliant and so powerfully executed. Highlighted and represented Josh soooo well and the all the troupe and others added to the dance and didn’t pull away the attention from Josh. And as emotionally attached to James and Sharna and some of the dances they did together (like their fusion I’ve now mentioned twice tonight, but I’ve moved on…), I think I agree with Carrie Ann! That might be the most incredible and creative choreography we’ve seen from Sharna to date! That was just everything I wanted and more. It wasn’t emotional and heart-wrenching like James’ freestyle. It was strong and powerful and impactful like Josh. Just perfect for him. Sharna did him justice for sure. (My mom on this dance: “Wow!! But she needs to stay out of my closet!) OOH! I knew there was something else! When he lifted her above his head and then threw her higher and DROPPED HIS ARMS before reaching up to catch her?!?!?! That almost killed me. She has so much trust in him. I’m in love.

Briefly on Adam and Jenna’s freestyle because it’s 8:52 and my fingers are shaking as I try to type: 1) The fuck did I just watch?! 2) There wasn’t like… dancing? I mean, it’s a freestyle they can do whatever they want. But I didn’t see dancing? 3) I think this freestyle is a little ahead of its time. Like when Erin and Maks did the very first contemporary freestyle way back in season 10 and the judges didn’t really know what to do with it. That’s how I kind of feel about this. Like I don’t really know what to do with this. 4) I appreciate that he wanted something he felt was meaningful and represented him and obviously I’m not him so I don’t know… But like if you had given me a million guesses on what their freestyle would be like knowing that it represented him, I never would have got to this. It was a let down for me.

I had to go to the bathroom during the commercial so I didn’t wet myself waiting the last six minutes…

I DON’T WANT TO SEE A LAST DANCE FROM ALL OUR COUPLES!!! I NEED TO KNOW WHO WINS!!!

Oh dear. I think I’ve stopped breathing. Here we go. If they really are just announcing 1st and don’t announce 3rd, I might pass out.

Here it comes. It’s happening…

Well…. I knew that was coming. It’s a good thing I was such a big fan of them. Honestly, I’m not even that disappointed for Josh and Sharna. I thought I would be, but I’m really not. I mean, yes… Here’s yet another season of Sharna getting second place. But as a couple/partnership/duo/whatever, I did like Adam and Jenna more than Josh and Sharna. I really felt Adam and Jenna’s relationship tonight (and every night obviously) especially in their first dance and after it. And Jenna absolutely lost her shit. I’m so so so happy for her. And Adam. And her and Adam together. And only a little sad for Sharna. Not nearly as sad as I thought I would be. Maybe I’m growing…?!

It’s now 9:28 and I’m just sitting here on my couch and I keep smiling and saying, “Oh, I’m just really happy for them!”

I think I would have been considerably more inconsolable if Josh and Sharna had actually won. 

[annericanstudy-blog]

20.10.11 SUNDAY 11:11 PM (omg! I wish to finally stick to one dream career LOL)

Hey there so uhm yea...looks like I’ve been writing on here every 2 weeks lol 😂 anyway another update...soooo I was kinda on a rollercoaster of happenings the past week. The hospital I work in has started admitting possible covid patients. They put up an Isolation area now like an isolation ward, isolation delivery room, etc. And well, your girl has even worked there! But I did terrible tho, veryyyyy terrible that I feel like I’m still gonna have nightmares about it ugh 🤦🏻‍♀️ Anyway so yea, I got called up to receive a baby in the iso. And so I went there, put on some crazy PPE and stuff. I was sooooo nervous...cos first, it’s my first time in that area! I don’t know where the stuff are and how everything works cos it’s a new area. Although I’ve tried receiving a baby already but man I just get so nervous whenever I’m in a new environment. Second, there was no pediatrician omg. It was my very FIRST time to receive a baby WITHOUT a pedia. Oh my gosh. And so I acted like I was such a newbie (well technically I still am a newbie). Idk but I just felt so disappointed with my performance that day ugh. Thankfully they helped me. I didn’t really know what to do aside from receiving the baby and making sure I did everything I was supposed to do for the baby during its first few minutes and the charting. Other than that such as communicating with the pedia, when to transfer the baby, and other stuff, ugh I felt like I did soooo badly. I felt like there were things that I was supposed to do that I wasn’t able to do...and I really don’t feel good about it. I even said sorry to the ward nurse cos ugh...I really feel like I did terrible. I know I have to forgive myself cos that experience involved a lot of firsts, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me cos I still feel so bad about myself about it. Ugh because of that, my self-esteem hit rock bottom again and I feel like quitting once again. That day was really kinda crazy cos that night, I also got called for night shift duty to take care of a baby whose mother had covid. dayum it was crazy I wore PPE the entire time and handwashed crazily all the time. But the baby was sooo kind (hahaha). When I say the baby was kind, meaning the baby fed well, burped well, and slept well ~yay~ bless that baby. But when I had my second duty with the baby she kept on crying hahaha but it’s pretty normal tho as the baby stays longer in the hospital.

Fast forward to few days. Mylet and Joan invited me to attend German classes! Being on that class will eventually lead us to work there. I got thrilled at the thought of the three of us being together, working together! Cos that’s what I’ve been really struggling here in this hospital. It’s so hard to not have friends at all. And so I asked permission from my parents. I also was lowkey telling them that I want to quit again cos I can really say that the hospital I’m in is not good at handling covid yet and it’s really posing a risk on not only to the staff there but to our families as well. Cos what if I got covid along the way, they might contract it since I live with them, and it will also pose a risk to their jobs and coworkers. And honestly, I still have a choice. Even if I stop working, it’s actually much better for my family cos then our risk of contracting covid will be much lower. Because I can really say that it’s not impossible to contract covid there. I don’t really care if my resume will be empty atm or what. Because if I get covid now then what’s the use of my resume if I die because of it or my family members will contract it esp that my parents are hypertensive? I would never forgive myself. But I can really see it in their faces that they’re not in favor of me stopping work. They kept on saying that it’s really important to be of service. Well, I got their point. Me too. It’s really nice to serve the Filipino people, the babies. But for me, if I contract that covid, idk, it’s just not worth it esp if we’re not compensated enough. I even cried again in front of them. In the middle of our serious talk, the hospital called me, but since our talk was so serious, I didn’t answer the call. I thought it was ok to not answer since it was my day off so I knew it wasn’t about an on call duty. Heol, that call I didn’t take was actually to inform me that the results of the test of the mother of the baby I received in the iso came out positive! Oh my goodness. And so, I now wear mask when I go out of the room and am isolating myself. See? The hospital should’ve been isolating me by now, or got me tested. But none. Coincidentally, the workplace of my mother held an emergency meeting telling them to be extra extra careful as one of their branches had to close down because almost all of the staff contracted covid since one of their employees lives with a nurse. To my parents, it was like a wake up call. And so yesterday, they told me that I should stop working in the meantime and maybe study whatever I want.

Weird enough, now that they’re telling me to stop, I got mixed emotions! Hahaha. I mean, I can’t deny I’m kinda happy about it. Cos really, covid is not a joke. And since I live in the Philippines, it will be hard to battle it. But I also feel a little sad cos I know I still have a lot to learn. But still, since my parents already told me to stop, I guess I have no choice now. Well, it was kinda nice to work at the NICU, being with babies. Idk, I kinda feel proud about it since most nurses start off in the ward while I started in a special area, it’s kinda a rare opportunity. Now, I’m kinda nervous cos I don’t know how to ask permission to resign or what. But I guess I’ll just have to face it! And I know the Lord will guide me.

But now that I will stop working, I don’t know what to do. Cos I’m still torn between being a nurse or a doctor (or a flight attendant but ugh covid shut this dream of mine). Sighs. I don’t know. I still feel like I won’t end up doing either hahaha 😂 Anyway, ugh I hope I can get it done tomorrow.

- anne, ph