#movingonn

[ciaraelizabethbuck-blog]

Part 1

    Part 1

It all started last September, well September 2015. I met the love of my life, a slim tom boy with long curly brown hair and brown eyes with the cutest dimples when she smiles. A hat a button up shirt and a pair of jeans, what a knock out. She even drove a bad ass Malibu. It was not like any date I had ever been on before, I pull in and we look and say I hope it’s you. And thank goodness it was. On the phone with her mom in order to make sure that I was not some 300lb man. I even talked to her on the phone just to rest her soul. It was pretty cool to see that her family was so worried about it. We had Mozzarella stick and I had a famous Ciara drink all at a bar called Bamboozles. Then you know we had some other fun dates and parties, a 3am drive to bum fuck no where Peck MI to see her for a few hours. By far the date that really made our relationship was the funeral date. Meeting her family who “doesn’t” know she’s gay, being a friend but one that everyone knows is more than just your friend, the scariest moment of my life. And I so happened to just meet the most wonderful person there. Good old Aunt Donna. She told me thank you for my service held my hand and kept hugging me. Then talking about the Navy and sailing with her husband, it was pretty amazing I never felt more at home or part of a family who actually appreciated what I did. Then as we are leaving and my new found Aunt Donna gave me a hung goodbye I had my phone in my hand with a picture of my girl and I kissing and she said “cute background”! I dropped dead. I thought my new perfect impression was ruined, minus the fact that we had talked about sending provocative Christmas cards to the aunt and uncle who are the Grinch and all things religious! And the whole way home I freaked out, when come to know she just meant the case I had on my phone, the good ole American Flag. But from then on I had them won over, I got to enjoy Christmas with them and even got to have the moon shine! I even got to experience the Debbie Cindy after a funeral I am drunk scene, bickering like sisters and Cindy spilling rice on the new carpet, and asking us when we were getting married, she really had things planned out for the two of us but I think her ending was a lot better. I introduced them to cards against humanity, and good god Debbie reading those cards out loud killed me. I can still here her saying “getting hilariously gang banged by the blue man group” while eating gas station pizza, (which was the best pizza ever, (it had the most cheese.) Then we moved too damn fast I was stupid and asked her to move in with me, although the first six months of us living together were amazing, it was like sex twice a day till 3 am! The best thing ever. All the late nights and cuddles you can ask for. Decorating the room and combining our stuff. It was amazing.

Welllll…. Until I found myself way too deep in to love. I got this crazy idea in my head that I wanted to get married and run that circle, I called her mom and asked for permission because I didn’t know her dad, and I wanted to make sure her mom and grandma approved because they were very important to her. And her mom said as long as she was happy she had no problem and I believed that her grandma did like me one point in our relationship. So my brave self-racked up the nerve, picked out the ring telling all while telling the lady at Kay all about a lesbian relationship… that can be long story. So it was February now and time flies so damn fast when you are enjoying it. And I pop the question she says yes, I believe out of the kindness of her heart and just feeling the moment. There is no way she actually wanted to marry me. I just wish I would have seen it then. We have a nice bath and a good dinner at Texas Roadhouse where she showed off her ring to everyone. Then it came about the idea of moving in just the two of us and that started a fight that was really dumb when you look back now. But we did end up getting a house for the two of us in March. It was an amazing house actually the perfect house no matter how much she thought or I acted like I didn’t like it. It was the best because we were together. The only reason I ever had a slight hatred for it was because I didn’t pay for it. That’s just me being myself. We did so much in that house but I tell you man our sex life when downhill boy. We began to fight more and communicate less, it was always something so stupid too an it would just sky rocket until it was an all-night affair. That we were both guilty of. Strong hard headed people suck at fighting no one ever gives up. And then we had the worst fight ever and I did something I swore I would never do and that hit someone I love.  And I live with that regret every single day of my life, I never meant for anything to get that bad and i hope that she knows that. But we did have good times, getting Molly and being in the back yard. We got our motorcycles and would have late night rides and trips. Going to Wal-Mart every day …. And that my friends Is no joke. Setting up a pool and cutting the dang grass to picking up dog poop. Man we lived the life!! Until we go down the next road.

As you can imagine months went by and that brings us to July and that brings us to the fact! You guessed it we are no longer together. And let me tell you that my friend was not cool. It didn’t end easy. It ended in a lot of hurt and just plain shit. We didn’t know how to be together at that time but we defiantly didn’t know how to break up. Never something I ever wanted, I mean geese wouldn’t have asked the girl to marry me just to get dumped…… I am smarter than that (so I think) Well so on and so on I move out, she gets another girl friend and of course people I was pissed because duhhh I am in love and I am watching the love of my life with someone else. No I didn’t hate the girl she was ok, but what I hated was the fact that I didn’t want my girl to get hurt because she was making rash decision I believe just to hurt me like I would have done too. My girl! She is just too damn stubborn to do what she really wants. But any who, they dated for a while maybe they even had a passionate love for each other I don’t care, she came to me and told me she does love me and she would change things but now!!!! Yea that’s right now we had a love triangle going on. And someone always ends up getting hurt in the end because believe it or not people love in the shape of a triangle doesn’t work figure it out, can’t do the math for that one. Well so now we have bigger problems and to be honest I did hurtful things she did hurtful things and none of it really was every resolved and I don’t think it was worth it. I really wanted her to be happy and if it was with that girl than so be it, but I didn’t see her happy I seen a mask hiding her true feelings because that was easier, but they broke up and that was kind of weird. I don’t think that went over very well for anyone. Talk about a mess, no the mess was us trying to “well say work on things” that did not happen we lasted a week and then wouldn’t talk so 3 weeks and so on. I want you I want her, and my cake too. Good grief!

Brings up to now. And unfortunately nope still not together…. And I wish I could explain it because if I had the right words for it I think it would make a great life time movie title, and the story in general would be a great made for TV movie. Well we are on taking terms that good something’s have been discussed but that girl Is not one for talking, let me tell ya, it like getting someone with short term memory loss to tell you about their day. She not good at good byes and is no good at explaining her feelings. Or apparently letting her exs go.. Somehow one way or another we end up back in contact; well actually it’s always me, I am always the one to break the damn seal of communication. I have never seen it so easy for someone to ignore someone they claimed to “love”. Well time to give up they say, and I probably should but I won’t. You should never give up on something that you know is right. And I am stupid but I know I am not her priority or even a mere thought in her mind. I know she doesn’t text me or respond but damn it I do it takes me all of 3 seconds. But I do know she cares a little because I don’t know anyone that would keep in contact with an EX like me for this long. She said 5-10 years from now when we have our lives figured maybe we can work on things, little does she know our lives will never be figured out. And I believe that, but that is where people make the mistake. They think we have all the time in the world but our time is very limited and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I will never stop loving her, even if she never chooses me, because I know in my heart she is what completes me. And even if she doesn’t do the same I won’t be mad at her. I just wish I would have known it sooner so that the time I did have with her, I would have cherished more. And would have looked in to her eyes more often and told her that I was grateful for her each and every day. I would never want to get back together to have our same old relationship I would want to start all over and make a new bigger and better relationship. Fall in love all over again. We have to let go of the past but yet some of the past needs to be talked about and resolved before we move on to the future. Long shot my friends long shot. I don’t tell her that I want to see her or how much I miss her because well that just fucks stuff up! Every time, I scare her away with my feelings of overpowering love… But the truth is I think she scared because she has never had someone love her the way I do, and I don’t think anyone has stuck around and not given up like me. Or she had that an just never told me. But the girl is good at running! But running is for horses and there comes a time when the running needs to stop and the walking needs to begin. Its bad when it’s been I don’t even know how many months and you still wait up for a middle of the night call or good night’s texts from someone like my girl!

We live our lives thinking that being selfish is what’s going to make us happy and that we should care what other people think but who are those people any way.? I am a walking encyclopedia yes me the little blond haired pimple face green eyed girl. I can answer all the questions in the world except when it comes to my life, and I even give pretty good advice I just don’t know how to take it. Sounds pretty typical of a girl. This past year has been insane, lost the love of my life yes it sounds like she died but, in actuality that’s how it feels a piece of me died when she left and I left or what ever you want to call it. But I also lost my grandfather and even one of my very good friends from high school. I’ve been through a lot, even drinking and smoking sleeping really not sleeping and lord the crying never stops. Our parents say “hey kid life is not easy Work for what you want” but can they ever really prepare you for a broken heart? I don’t think so. Can they explain love, nope, and they are not going to tell you that even if you work hard for something 90% of the time you still wont get it.  It’s a lesson we learn all by our self. And some times you still can’t understand or explain to someone else the way you feel about a person and why you feel that way. For me its just something I feel in my heart and even in my stomach. I don’t need to search the world and date a million people to see that the one I want was the one I had. And to help people understand that I don’t want to move on and fall in love with someone else, because then Id wear the mask and that would be unkind of me to hurt someone else because I would never be truly happy, sure it might be ok but who the hell wants an ok relationship or to marry someone they are just ok with… think that’s the quickest way to divorce. I would rather say that I chased my love and tried to win her back and die knowing that that’s what I did then pretend to be something I am not to make others happy. It is hard enough to be a lesbian with out trying to pretend that your happy with someone for the sake of family and friends. Die a happy man they say well that’s the dang song anyway. You will die a happy lesbian when you do what’s right for you, even if it means loving someone that doesn’t do it back. There is a lot of things people don’t know about me, with my big booming out spoken personality it hard to think I have, low self esteem and that I do get scared some times I get scared of loosing the people who mean the most to me.

    I think that some times we are meant to be apart, but I don’t think that it was meant forever. I think we needed to understand what we were doing wrong and we couldn’t do that being the situation. We needed to grow and learn how to talk to each other, but realize that we were also our own people. Being together every single day for a year it was as if we were trying to form one person and forgot what it was to be alone and be ourselves. I am going off course here but who the hell cares its my story and its coming to an end. People today I face the fact that this girl that was mine for a short time and will never be mine again. I love her with everything I have but she has no clue how much she hurts me. She thinks that she is being honest with me, when its a run around. The text message I get of her being mad at me about a girl, I thought was her caring about me? I guess I was really wrong about that. I feel like it was just a way to make me unhappier and throw it in my face, that she is not with me but she does not want me talking to any one else. And that she was being so nice for a whole week when she was bored and didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She likes that I am there at her beck and call when its convenient for her, I am the back up plan. I am constantly nothing but positive to her and happy for the things she tells me despite the fact that I know she lies to me just because she doesn’t want to argue about it, and because she will say its none of my business. But some how my whole life is her business even when we are not together. Are you as confused as I am yet? I know that she “hangs out” with other girls, flirting and cuddles an I am sure she has sex. And I know that she still talks to the girl she was with after me for petes sake she spent Christmas eve with her and then told me they don’t talk. I am not oblivious to these things; I just choose to say nothing because frankly I don’t care any more. I did what she asked and moved the hell past it. I can’t change it and its been almost a year an she hasn’t changed. I was told she needs to do all this alone, and that she doesn’t want me to get the wrong impression, well the impression was made when it seemed she cared. What ever makes the girl happy. But who really wants to face life alone? I don’t really think its so much alone, I think its more of just not with you hun. I could be 100% all wrong who the hell knows. I will probably never know because she never talks to me. And I am sure in those 5 or 10 years she gives herself she will be happily with someone else, who wont ever love her as much as I do. But I can say its her loss, because I still have me. I can no longer chase someone who has no desire to be caught by me ever. It’s a game that never ends and a game that is rather upsetting. It will never end until someone has the courage to say exactly what they feel. And a game of this is played with two players and player one has made their actions very clear. So we are waiting for player two to buzz in….

    A year later and player two chimes in, still doing the same shit. Her birthday was yesterday May 30th I sent her 50$ flowers and a card, and never herd from her, I haven’t herd from her in 5 months. But yet I still cant seem to get her off my mind. I can live my life normally now but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her or miss her. Its crazy. But now it really is the end of the story because there’s nothing left to tell. I am still alone and in love with someone who is not in love with me and who could care less about me. Kinda sucks…..