#my ass coping with exam stress by thinking about things that depress me lol

[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

[imperiusv]

IV - Raging, This is the End

I loved that vacation on the sea just you and me, i always wanted to go to that place with someone since I was a child, it was really special to me and i loved that you enjoyed it , food was shit tho and it wasn’t as good as I remembered, but well worth it with you. After/before that i quit my job to study for the exams, i knew shitty days were coming and they were, but I had to do that, there was no other way, that job was a dead-end , draining my energy and abilities and opportunities, I had to graduate, I knew this would fuck us money wise and relationship wise, I would be way more needy,angry and would probably lead  straight down the rabbit hole , but I had to do it. In those days it was really hard for me, as you weren’t understanding at all , showed zero patience towards me and generally made me feel ever worse, that’s how i knew you weren’t the right for me , you just weren’t there for me, like you kept doubting me for everything, like doing business or having kids, that time when your period was really late, this drove me so far away from you, i was really disappointed and stopped loving you so much, i think that was the moment i started losing you for real, step by step,slowly over the course of an year. We went to Hamburg to visit my family that was nice , really thoughtful of you, I will go soon again, as i haven’t seen them ever since. Rome was good too, just that thing with the black guys was horrible, at that moment i didn’t realize what had happened, I was just so disgusted that i wanted to get away from them, I didn’t see that you got hurt or felt like that and do regret it to this day, its one of the things i really messed up.There we had a good time , we should have done more fun stuff, but i guess i was in a different mentality back then.That surprise i made for your birthday , i really put so much effort into it, I was thinking like stuff from our shared past and to make a trip down memory lane, i hope you didn’t sell the necklace, i see that you still wear the bracelet, I am happy that you do. The weekend getaway for our anniversary was nice, we should have done that way more often, i kinda regret now that i didn’t get my shit together to get a driving license, but i was just fucking worried how am i gonna cope with money and having a car, again the fucking money thing, i realize now how much of a problem not having enough money is , it gives you stress, makes you worry about a lot of stuff, stops you from doing things and prevents you from enjoying yourself, which adds up slowly over time and generates even more shit ,arguments and bad vibes. Slowly i was getting my shit together, i had graduated , my fucking internship was almost over , i was going to job interviews, which were all really bad,it was really draining on and when i finally thought i was gonna get shit done for good, like get a good law job,getting a driving license, fix my relationship with you, at which time it was already apparent to me that there was a problem i had been ignoring for quite some time and we were slipping   and finally  do what i thought i wanted to do and be happy,of course not even one of those things came to fruition ,everything came crashing down again .The whole driving test was rigged, they fucked me in the ass for money, over complicating absolutely everything, you being less and less understanding,cold and distant and increasingly more toxic and what hit the worse was the realization of post graduate life  that, you wont make any money and your life will be shit, thank you for studying for 6 long years , here is less money than a fucking cleaning lady, but yeah it says MR LAW in front of your name, shit i was gonna even be a detective, good thing i didn’t go down that path or how you were telling me to go for lawyer and we will manage with your salary and scraps from my dad, fuck what a shit show that would have been. You have no idea how shitty it was looking for a job and getting shit from interviewers and going on about ridiculous  job offers, because you and my dad were pressuring me, praise the Emperor I didn’t let that shit get to me, which was the difference between us , that i never listened to my parents, even though you always  made fun of me about being a little bitch and listening to my dad, nope, I am not you and I really really really hated how dependent on your parents opinions you were , how you made so much efforts to please them , although you thought you didn’t , you did a lot. Every time you went there for the holidays i would get pissed, because i wanted quality time with you, not to go to my fucking town and listen to my dad and his dumb as wife bullshits , it just drained me so much, being away from you, I should have embraced it and be happy for the alone time, but instead i missed you, which only shows how much I truly loved you. Standing in the cold in the frozen wind I’m leaving you behind but it’s not the end No, no, no Walking on a plane as I hold my breath It’s gonna be weeks till I breathe again How can someone not get depressed after so much shit coming their way, now when i look back I can’t blame myself that much for being like that, I mean i still blame me of course, I should have handled it better, but definitely i look with more kindness on myself going back over this period of my life, Nobody , literally nobody understood me, not even my dad, brother, friends , not even you, it was horrible , funny thing is now my friends are going through the same shit and my brother kinda is as well and they see , but back then no one even tried or made an effort, it was just nagging and bullshit and putting more and more pressure on me in a moment that i needed support and understanding.So in this shitstorm a trip with your parents was the last thing on my mind, but i could not go, you would go crazy and they would be offended, probably it would have been way better if i had not came. I really tried with them, I still can’t figure out why they never liked me. Maybe they knew i was a bad match for you and you had to keep it up with me or God knows why, it doesn’t even matter anymore of course, like most things.I was annoyed by them in that moment,but i was annoyed by everyone and everything you knew that and i still kept face and behaved, I helped them, i was useful and nice, except for groping your ass and fucking you like crazy, but WTF you were my girl, of course i would do that, Jesus fucking Christ, this was/is so  fucking ridiculous.Slowly over those months i could feel you slipping completely, you started to disrespect me a lot  and slowly  i went from your top priority, lol like that ever was true, to bottom line priority, you would prioritize time with your dumb ass bitch friends than spend time with me,the most absurd thing was that we would have fights that we don’t do anything and go anything, but so convenient, you would work on the weekends, the next one you would have lectures, the third one you would go see your mamma, and the 4th one in the month , you would be meh, lets go eat pizza, I’m tired and i wanna rest, which for me was okay , i loved taking you to restaurants, not the same five places of course, we could have tried more stuff, but every week we went out , the problem was you were bitching we don’t do shit and it was your fucking fault and i don’t blame you, i was bad company at the time , its normal to not wanting to spend time together, sadly i needed time alone, we should have split then, until i figure my shit out, that was the only way , but i was too weak to leave you, too desperate to hold on to our dying toxic relationship ,but If i had left you back then , we would still be together, how paradoxical that is, but it is God honest truth, but I’m glad that did not happen, because we would end up having kids or getting married and one day i would wake up and be like what the fuck is going on with my life and why am I with this women, who is clearly not worthy of me, as cmon you never were, not just looks and intelligence, but also your behavior , character and vibe, you are unstable , unreliable and untrustworthy and very volatile ,not someone who would want to have kids and build a future together for sure, good for some time,yes you were not right for me at all , but let me get that CRYSTAL CLEAR that doesn’t change the FACT that i loved you more than anything. Everybody around you was hating me , of course you would start to do the same ,for their own selfish reasons, your boss, he was jealous of me, the fat fucker, that i would get that ass every night and he can’t see his dick from his fat belly, but i didn’t give a damn about that porker, i have no idea why you thought i was jealous of him or whatever, an absurd notion. Back then i didn’t think you could fall so low like you are now, but to be honest you always had an affinity for gross disgusting guys , e.g Romane, Lazslo , that guy you used to date before, most of your male friends, I do believe they made you feel better and more secure, because you felt better than them and you did not have to put so much effort in it or worry about it , or feel bad and be willing to work for it. I saw that pattern even back then and from your conversations with your mom , I think you were raised like that as well, to be mediocre and settle for less , just so you don’t get burned by the fire, which is really sad, but hey , its only your life choices, so who cares. My step brother’s prom came and it was like a really weird spin of fate, two years before that was my brother’s prom and we were so happy ,not pretending, this time around,  we just looked happy in the photos and were pretending that everything was okay, which all my family noticed, sadly except for me , but to be honest i knew where we were headed , I just didn’t want to accept it , I used to talk with my dumb ass friend from my town over the phone, going on at great length , how much you are not for me and how much better it would be if we split, but i still had hope that we might get over this and things will be different , that you are different and I am not right, its only a temporary thing and so on and so on, what a fool for you and your love I was. After that your behavior grew increasingly erratic, you would pick fights with me for the slightest of things, complain about everything, nag and blab all the time. I was so worried at that time for securing employment and my upcoming last exam , that i scarcely took notice of said behavior  , which for the time was the exact thing i should have done, but as my mind cleared i focused on the things you were saying and complaining about, which was my complete downfall, trying logic and reason with you, when obviously you were doing it on purpose or perhaps you weren’t ,but it came from your deep underneath your  consciousness, in a way to force me to leave you , because you could not do it yourself. Those last months were horrible, constant bickering and fighting , i was gonna give you a meme - toxic is good , toxic is great , but we split before i managed to send it. This was quite visible and from the time we spend together or more correctly we did not, you would be at work or drinking with your slut friends , who more than anything wanted you to be single, it’s not normal for your girlfriend to get drunk, especially when she know she has a drinking problem, lol that was joke. But yeah it wasn’t normal that you would go out at noon to drink with you friends and come home at ten , knowing that this is our only free day we should rather spend it together doing something just the two us or with other people,but us together, that was my problem, not you drinking with your friends or in generally getting wasted, problem at the time of course, as I needed you, now if i was in the same situation it wouldn’t be a problem , i would just do the same with my friends or dump your disrespectful ass, you have no idea how low my tolerance for bullshit has become, if you think i was bad before, you should look at me now, I am perfectly aware of who I am, my self worth and self imagine, I am not gonna let anyone, let one some dumb ass bitch fuck with me or walk over me, its either my way or the fucking highway, you wanna be part of my life, my good vibes and self amusement mindset, have a good time, then you must contribute , you must bring something good to the table as well, if not , okay , good luck out there and hope you find what you are looking for. This has been my mindset lately and it has worked wonders for my mental state and happiness. No one cares about that tho , so lets move on  to the action part-  APOCALYPSE  Ever since i started working ,I was hoping things were gonna go improve and we might pull through , but nah, you were already set on breaking up and looking for another guy , that better looking guy from your work that split with his girl didn’t go for you, because he probably saw what you were and you took a liking into gorrila joe , he does look like a monkey to be honest or Mr. disgusting like we like to call him, he was giving you free attention, validating you and boosting your fragile ego and you decided why would you bother with me when you can have this wimp in your legs and walk over him , why try hard when you can go easy and let go of yourself and just give him the only thing you had of value, hidden between your legs. I remember when i met him for the first time, how he looked frightened, we were still together, he knew i knew what was up, but i did not believe you would fall so low and just disregarded him , i mean cmon this guy was so fucking disgusting, how could you even... Just before the end you would go into the most ridiculously arguments , like why i don’t want friends, it was none of your business and i have friends, i just didn’t seem them because of you , you would bitch and moan if I did and generally hated them and other stupid things you would fight with me, i knew the end was coming, as this shit has happened before with another , just a short explanation here, the moment we split she started writing me , sending me cringy snapchats videos of her, for the sole reason i can’t record them or SS , with stupid quesitons how are you doing and so on , my friends said i should fuck her to make you feel bad, but that whore was absolutely disgusting to me, i only entertained the idea of talking with her to get the old photos that got deleted, THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON, she was so insignificant and inconsequential to me that i wouldn’t even care if she would come butt ass naked to my doorstep begging for cock, i would laugh and go to the gym, she appeared again in this story 6 months later, but thats or the last chapter, if  she is reading this by any chance , just fuck off, you are a bad memory i erased long ago, like some dumb school project that you did ages ago, exactly can’t remember, doesn’t matter fuck off. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves, we went to that nice Italian restaurant  and the whole time you were complaining and bitching about stuff , you made an effort not to agree with anything , i don’t want here i don’t want there, stupidity and disrespected pilled up with shit. I finally decided to act, so when we went home i confronted you and asked whats up, you were afraid again to tell me, didn’t have the courage to step up and say the truth , so you gave me the bullshit idk if we should be together, this was the defining moment , I showed you the door and told you to fuck off, you started crying and this was my biggest failure and mistake, that i thought you were different, i felt really bad and sorry for you and said to myself this is my girl i should try to fix it, but no dumbass , it was already unfixable and way too broken for me to repair, the only way this shit was gonna go down my way was if i had dumped you as i first told you to pack you stuff and leave,but my feelings for you again got the better of me . You picked the perfect moment for that of course, i was sick and was feverish , I couldn’t think straight at all , if i was okay , things would have been different and i wouldn’t have been that broken, but yeah my mistake again for putting my faith in you. You lied to me that you love me and said we will work things out, a blatant lie , knowing that you were gonna pack your shit and vanish the day after that , as you do best. And the most disgusting thing was that you were still making plans with me to go to Greece and on a holiday, using for the last time, before we go our separate ways, maybe your guilt got in the way or me pushing you too hard, otherwise you would have stayed for longer with me and God forbid , if we stayed together until the winter, stop me from coming here or we could have pushed through and made it ,who knows, Praise the Emperor that things went the way the did, for me to see you as the person you really are, not that perfect image i had of you.

We finally arrive to that day 29 of August, from the morning i knew something wasn’t right I could sense you, even thought , the last night we slept together i just knew this was it, I could feel it , i asked to leave work earlier and headed home ,but it was already too late as i entered the door my heart fell andwhat happened after that I will cover in the last chapter of your story.

[sprinqdays-remade]

50 Questions

I was tagged by @toris-sunshine​. Thank you honey!!  💕

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Trying to wake up and falling asleep. Mornings aren’t just for me and it takes at least an hour of tossing and turning to fall asleep, even when I’m tired  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. What makes your day better?

Chatting with my friends.

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

Since BTS’s Map of the Soul: Persona teaser came out less than 24 hours ago, I’m gonna say that.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Hogwarts 💕

5. Are you good at giving advice?

My friends say so, yeah.

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Yeah y’know like depression, anxiety, ADHD, insomnia and all the good stuff yeET

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Gosh yes, I used to a lot last year when exams were close and I was under a lot of stress, but now it has reduced thank God.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

One Direction were the first artist that got me into music, but BTS were the one who made me really passionate about it so I’m gonna say the later.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yes.

10. What’s your dream date?

Idk. I love going to the cinemas so maybe going to see a movie together. Or anything cute really, too fancy kinda makes me uncomfortable.

11. What do others notice about you?

That I’m really shy and don’t talk much.

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Going to sleep really, really late.

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

...I don’t clearly remember who my first love was but no but the answer would still be no.

14. How many exes do you have?

0.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

I recently lost my tab so I can’t say the exact number but it was a little less than 600 + growing almost everyday.

16. What instruments can you play?

Harmonium and I’m gonna start to learn the guitar soon!!

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

Jungkook and Taehyung lmaoo

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Can I say a BTS concert (Rae same)

19. What is your zodiac?

Cancer.

20. Do you relate to it?

Tbh I don’t really know much about astrology but no, those posts almost never fit me.

21. What is happiness to you?

It can be a lot of things. Chatting with my friends and making them laugh, blasting music in my room, learning new things, stargazing, etc.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Of course. I always am but I’m coping so

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

Idk... As of recently probably going to thay boring ass school trip cause that was the worst day of 2019 for me so far.

24. What’s your favorite store?

I have no idea lmao

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

I never really thought about it but I think I’m pro-choice.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

I used to. My goal was 1000 things but I stopped writing after 363 lol

27. Do you have a favorite album?

I have a few. Most of BTS’s albums, especially Love Yourself: Tear/ Answer, Wings, 1d’s Four and Made In the A.M, and a few other I’m forgetting.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Spider-Man: Far From Home comes out 3 days before my birthday so I want to go see it.

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

They always point out how I’m very quite and reserved and almost never talk. It’s kind of annoying really.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Idk...13-14?

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

I hide it behind my books lmao cause my parents are almost always after it.

32. What word do you say the most?

Idk. Probably curse words or ‘oof’ 😂

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

17? I’m still a teenager and wouldn’t date an adult.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

14? or 15.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Most people want me to be a doctor or army lmao I disagree.

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

K-Pop.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

England, Japan or France.

38. What is your current favorite song?

Victory Song by Stray Kids

39. How long have you had this blog for?

Since July/August, 2016.

40. What are you excited for?

Avengers: Endgame!!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Listener.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Went out with my mom for dinner and to spend some time together even though I didn’t really feel like it.

43. What do you want for christmas?

We don’t celebrate Christmas lol.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

English. But my favourite is science and I’m not bad at it but I’m trying to improve.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

4?

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

Living in another country, maybe with the love of my life, successful.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

I don’t remember... But my parents used to fight a lot when I was a kid so maybe during one of those times.

48. What age do you want to get married?

If I get married, probably mid 20s.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Animator, artist, astronomer (the last one’s still valid)

50. What do you crave right now?

A hug from a friend maybe lmao also something spicy.

I tag: @fluff-n-rock @christina-dh @bloomingjiminie @jungkooksbuttons @problematicsinnamon @sunshinehobworld @jisungii @monotaes @hraewordsmith @ohsehundipity @alien-the-magician @claimyourself-lightnordark

[blackmentalhealth-matters]

Drugs You Should Try x Travis Scott (Ft Depression)

You just had a stressful ass day…. failed that exam you should of studied for, got caught up with your side piece, got fired from work or maybe even got into with your parents. How do you cope? Sleep? Exercise? Prayer? In a perfect world we like to think these are coping mechanisms we would use, but in reality were indulging in the first thing that numbs whatever pain were experiencing. So what’s your pick of poison? Weed? Liquor? Pills? I know you’re probably thinking, “I only do that when I’m out with friends” or for “social and recreational” purposes but our generation is slowly but surely turning into alcoholics and drug addicts. If you know me personally, you know I’m always down for the turn up. I’m the girl at every party (damn near) with a bottle of patron, going shot for shot with anybody who dare challenge me. Ever wonder…why I’m always intoxicated. It took me a while to realize it, but when those shots of patron on the weekend became shots I was taking just because I completed basic daily tasks I realized I was using alcohol as a escape from the hardships of life. So here I am damn near becoming dependent on alcohol, a bottle away from an AA meeting, practicing my “Hi, My name is Devine and I’m an alcoholic” speech in the mirror when I had to stop and think…what exactly am I trying to run away from? What feelings am I attempting to suppress? As I mentioned before I’ve struggled with Major Depressive Disorder since middle school, for those who aren’t sure what that is…its usually referred to as “Clinical Depression”. Now like I said I’m not a psychologist yet but if you have felt depressed, lack of interest, change in weight, not being able to sleep, feeling worthless, cant concentrate etc, for a duration of two weeks or longer…period…then uh my guy you may have MDD. It’s bad enough our generation already struggles with the stigma behind mental health issues but we also encounter the glorification of drugs and alcohol. With artists like Future whose telling us every time the perkys calling, or Travis Scott telling us the plethora of drugs we should try, or even Frank Ocean (with the voice of an angel) telling us that novacane numbs the pain…its no wonder we rush to whatever can get our hands on when were feeling down. Now I’m not saying that just because you listen to them (they’re in heavy rotation for me lol) means you have a drug problem, I’m just asking you to analyze the mindstate your in while your participating in these extracurriuar activities, if you wanna take it a step further think about the mindstate they are in when they making the music. Cause come on now, sometimes I listen to Future and just feel sad lmao. Its so many artists crying out for help in their songs its crazy, remember when Wayne came out with “I Feel Like Dying”….just internalize the lyrics? I mean Kid Cudi just recently was brave enough to speak out about his depression. It makes you think why everytime you get sad you want to smoke/drink while listening to these or other artists?

Now lets dig a little deeper into the statistics According to the MHA (Mental Health America) 13.2 % of the U.S population identifies as Black,  (6.8 million)   1/5 will deal with a mental health issue a year 20% are more likely to deal with mental health issues than the rest of the population Black people are more likely than white to have feelings of sadness,hopefulness, worthlessness than white. Black people are more likely than white to die by suicide and attempt suicide than whites (8.3% vs 6.2%) so no it’s not just white people killing themselves… 40% of white are more likely to seek out help…. See a problem? Cause I sure do…

Depression is a term we use loosely but never take the time to fully understand how to A. accept and acknowledge we or someone we know suffers from it and most importantly B. how to take steps in the right direction to feel better…in a positive way that is. Now if your like me the thought of taking medication to feel better is a huge no for me. Tried it. felt like a zombie. stopped it immediately lol. So being diagnosed with depression and not taking the prescribed medicine for it, took me a while to try and figure out what to do so I wasn’t numb all the time…. The first thing I do when I’m finding myself slip into a depressive state is. 1.Write down and set goals. I write out a list of goals I want to accomplish whether they be long term or short and I make semi goals to help me get to that major goal. By visually seeing my goals on a piece of paper it motivates me to complete them so when I cross it out I can see my list getting smaller. 2. Change my environment. I get distracted and caught up SO EASILY. My personality is so addicting if I like something too much I become oblivious to everything around me. So if I’m feeling depressed and all I wanna do is drink, i’m gonna be in an environment where all we do is drink lol. CHANGE your scenery, if your friends are just drinking cause your making them lol  (like my friends sorry guys lol) then do something different. Engage in different activities that’s not the same basic shit, switch it up. You’ll feel better drastically. Shit move across the country lol (sike that’s what I had to do cause man Michigan was draining me lol) 3. Eat healthy, exercise…cause we know all know liquor puts on calories. maybe if you cut back you can fit into that outfit you been eyeing lol. 4. UNPLUG. Our generation has it bad with always being on our phones and not knowing how to just take a break. We keep getting wrapped up in social media (in fear were missing out). Take a personal day, take time away from everyone. It’s okay to isolate yourself. Ask my friends, when I get overwhelmed I act like casper and just disappear lol. I turn my phone off, don’t talk to anyone just take time away from everyone to get myself back focused.

5. TALK TO SOMEONE. IT’S OKAY TO VENT. If you don’t have at least one person you can call when you’re feeling down then you need to evaluate your friends. I ALWAYS make sure my friends know that regardless what they’re going through I am always here, 100% no judgement zone. If you need a friend like that, my line is always open and I mean that. (I just know how it feels to have no one)

These are just a few things I do, that personally helps me with depression, sadness, or whatever label you want to use for your defintion of being upset….find what works best from you…just try and be sober while your doing it (;