#my belafarin video series

[mcrmadness]

My new Bela/Farin video is ready (not up yet!). I just watched it after rendering it and I think this is the first time ever that I feel like I don’t need to do any changes to it. Normally I render a video at least 2-3 times because I’m a perfectionist and see there something minor that no one else would even notice but that still bugs the hell out of me :D Right now I saw nothing like that! And I have rerendered videos shorter than a minute several times, and this one is yet again almost 20min long (not sure if it’s a good or bad thing) so either I have learnt something from my previous videos or I was just lucky this time.

And besides, the clips that kept me stuck with the video for months? The clips that were the cause for me not knowing how to continue the video? I think that part is my favorite now. It would work alone as well, not sure if it’s really the best way of editing those clips into a video that is meant to be as realistic as possible as I don’t like creating false scenarios as you can change the outcome of a clip A LOT by just slowing it down and adding a music that will alter the athmosphere, and I don’t want to, basically, put words into these men’s mouths. But anyhow, I’m actually really proud of that sequence now and I hope others will like it too.

Will take a while before I can upload it to youtube anyhow. My computer won’t take much time with that anymore after switching to faster internet connection, but even after that I need to have it up for a few days before making it public to make sure there won’t be any copyright strikes (been there done that...) and I think I need to write down some sources this time. And tbh, I should do the same with my other videos too.

[mcrmadness]

I have been making videos about Bela/Farin for like... 10 years now? I made my first B/F video ever, the “Bela/Farin version of Bitte Bitte” in 2010. I was 19.

10 years later, I’m 29 and I have made 11 B/F videos and 2 other videos about dä aka 13 videos in total. Kinda pitiful amount of videos but... oh well. Anyway, I don’t get too many views - my first ever video was Die Ärzte Laughter and it has gotten over 15k views. The next self-made video is the first part of my B/F series and it had a bit over 8k views. The fandom is small and the slasher part is even smaller so that is very understandable. I know most people enjoy watching them interact but maybe don’t really ship them, or are not as fanatic as me and don’t spend hours in front of their computer just watching the same clips and videos over and over and over again, year after year. And I kid you not - that’s exactly what I have been doing for the past 10 years. I still don’t know what they even talk in most of the videos (unless I have been rewatching them now just for the “do I understand the language today?” purpose) but you can ask me almost anything about this ship and I have answers for you. If you need to find a video and can’t, just ask me and I know what and where it is. I have seen probably every interview and tons of live videos on youtube because that’s how obsessed I am.

Mostly I’ve got likes on my videos but a few dislikes have fallen on some of the videos, especially on the earlier ones, but I think all of them still has the like-dislike ratio over 90%. And we’re now talking of amounts less than 30, usually even less than 20. Some have just one like. But  it’s okay since the average views on those videos are only a few hundreds of views - and most of them have been up for several years already.

The reason why I started writing this now has nothing to do with views and likes but was slightly inspired by dislikes. Because there’s still people out there who do not like shipping nor people who ship. And I honestly sometimes feel very... weird with this. I mean, it’s not normal, is it? It’s an obsession. Or a hyperfixation. Or whatever it is, it doesn’t bother me too much but I just feel that it might look really weird to the outside. I am very open about this on Tumblr but otherwise shipping is a huge guilty pleasure for me. Sometimes when I see my videos on youtube, appearing on search results or so, I just feel like I should hide them. Unlist them and delete all the tags, make sure no one finds them ever again. I really love making the videos but I’m not sure if I should make them for only myself or continue like this - sharing them with others.

I see the dislikes and I feel that what I do here is disgusting and wrong. Even when my policy with shipping is that it is not harming anyone as long as you keep it to yourself and share it with only your friends and don’t push it onto the faces of the people you ship. With Bela and Farin it’s no different, the ship sails itself better than any ship I have ever seen before but I still would never ever mention this to them. I take what they give but I would never say anything about it to them. I’d never show them my comics or drawings that are about them as a ship, I would never show them my videos just because they are my videos because I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with stuff like that. No matter how much they ship themselves, I will leave that to them and keep my theories and thoughts to myself. I just know that I would feel so uncomfortable if I had a friend I came along as well as they do with each other and if people suddenly started to ship me with that said friend. That is why I kinda want to keep this whole shipping stuff to myself and I sometimes feel quilty for doing this. What if I ever meet them somewhere, they would look at me and have no idea what goes inside my head and that makes me feel so bad because... I don’t know. It’s a guilty pleasure, I don’t know if I should have the right to feel what I feel when I watch those videos, and if it’s too much to be this excited over editing videos about them and drawing stupid comics about them.

My whole life pretty much revolves around that band and I have absolutely nothing to do with that band apart from it just happening to be my favorite band. I wish I could do some other art than dä fanart but I can’t. I love making videos but I have no other ideas (except for cat videos but it feels like too much work plus nowadays youtube sucks because everyone should have professional equipment and I don’t). I love drawing but I have absolutely no other ideas but fanart. I love drawing comics but all I can draw about is either: a) fanart or b) my self-comics and no one is interested in reading those because they’re just stupid thoughts and mental health stuff I needed to get out. Latter happen if they’re to happen but I haven’t even posted most of them anywhere because no one cares anyway. I also love writing but all I can write is fanfiction. I have tried if I could create some original characters and write about them instead of Bela and Farin but nope. Impossible. Can’t imagine anyone else in those situations than these two. Besides, I’m not even interested in writing “romance”, so if I had oc’s, they sure as hell wouldn’t do anything ships do. And that is where I run into a wall because I cannot create something out of nothing and I just don’t have story ideas for anything in my head so all I can do is fanfiction because I already have half of it ready for me and I just have to imagine scenarios between real things. Easy.

Sometimes I just feel so stupid with this hyperfixation. Why did I have to get so interested in this all? How would my life be if my dad never took German lessons in 2009, if the teacher never made them listen to Die Ärzte, if my dad didn’t find “Männer sind Schweine” so good that he ended up searching more about the band and showing the music video of Junge to me. Would my life be easier if I didn’t dive this deep into this all? If nothing of this never happened, only downside would be that I never would have found out what perfect music sounds like, I would have never started to make videos to this extent and I also would not know all those people I now know thanks to this band. But still I don’t understand why can’t I like things the normal way? Why can’t I be a normal fan?