#my previous post I put feb 29 which is one of my fail stuff. but ill keep it unedited for posterity

[cloutchaserkineme]

law student lip service

Feb. 19, 2024 8:11 PM on a Monday, at home.

"Law school is so hard. I don't like law."

These are words I uttered every day as honestly as a Sagittarius rising could, which is extremely. I thought that I was in good company, given that every day I communicate with my fellow law classmates the conversation is a wheel of pain validation-

😔 I'm suffering every day 😭🥺 I have no time for myself let alone for the outside world, or my hobbies 😰 it's a miserable existence!

Reader, they are fucking lying. They don't hate law school as much as they claim to be, nor are they as tired of its workload as much as they make it seem!

They're all fucking liars and masochists who chose, as willing as a cat chasing a juicy lizard escaping through the pet door, to go through the rigor of the law-school-double-drum-roller every day. Members of a twisted underground movement subtly dressing to signal their intentions- some with collared shirts and bags big enough to pack a Macbook and a codal, some who wear a suit 16 hours of the day from work until evening classes. They are Catholics of a new sect, prostrating and harming themselves in the name of their god, which is the Constitution.

I thought I was complaining in solidarity with my fellow Mediocre Marys, who stumbled into the enrollment process out of reflex, and are now stumped by the real, material difficult of learning and absorbing such an important instrument to our society.

By my own hand, I am once again in exile. I am really, truly bitching out here because I'm the only one (in our batch at least) who went to law school not for the love of law.

And I know I'm the only one- my siblings in Common Sense have already chosen not to re-enroll for the second semester, or at least had enough brain cells that were sparking that day in the registrar's office and chose to only go to law school part time.

There's two major reasons why I stay, and one is because I am a racehorse. Skills that I have accumulated over the course of my young lifetime have primed me to be Very Good at the necessities of surviving the daily tasks of school, and Very Shit at any other path in life.

I read fast, which means I know a lot and have poor eyesight. I speak and understand English almost instinctively, at the cost of my losing fluency at my mother tongue and being witty, funny, and understandable to my peers. I am better at citing research than most people my age, and asking the right questions to get the answer I needed for the last piece of the write-up.

I am very well-suited for the track, but like all racehorses, this is the only place I have ever known. Anything outside my comfort zone will be incredibly harmful, that it would be stupid of me to not do it, to not continue grad school, stupid to not enroll in law school and put my mind and my skills to use to bloom like a good plant from my home garden.

I am good at Law, the same way a falcon is good at spotting prey from a mile away, the same way a suture needle is best for dressing wounds, the same way I know to remember the dates and when to give flowers and how to court a jealous mistress. I am good at it, and I am interested in being effective, but I don't feel a big passion for it.

The Law and its intricacies does not swallow me up like a burning sun the way it does the acolytes I call my classmates. I don't have a righteous cause, or a burning curiosity, or an endless pocket of wealth that allows me to explore things on a whim. I'm just here. And every time I fail at Being a Law Student I feel like a changeling taking someone else's place, living in fear that one day, the college secretary will telepathically hear me complaining and moaning about The Law, and she'll tell me in the same tone that Stanley Tucci used to tell Anne Hathaway, "I could get another girl to fill your job in five minutes. Someone who really wants it."

Quitting is not an option either. The other major thing is, while I might not like law school, the person I love the most in this lifetime is paying for my education when she doesn't need to, or has to.

This amazing horse-breeder, with her casual course corrections like spurs, the warm food she makes, the hugs in every new and updated law book volumes she buys for me, the Scorpionic bow to my Sagittarian arrow, the Virgo maiden conditioning the lazy Lion.

I love her enough that I will go through this muck full of unnecessarily long words and tax documents, surrounded by caffeine and memory supplement addicts who get off of correcting other people's grammar so much I wanted to send Merriam-Webster a link to making an OnlyFans account to cash in on their horniness, and putting hypothetical people into such convoluted, imaginary situations for the benefit of The Law- for the next few years, and to come out a lawyer.

I might not have a cause, but I do have a mom. And I'll be damned if I ever let anyone, especially me, crush my mom's dreams.

I just hope I have enough staying power in me for a few more rounds around the track.

(30) 8:40 PM the same day.