#n it shouldn't even be smth that needs sayin cause it's puttin the bar so fucking low but
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N I guess it's cause of him bein how we try to make sense of whatever happened that thinkin about it makes me wanna run back to him
#also maybe. him so we don't ever feel that way abt who it was back then#cause no matter what he does to me it's still safer cause it's only inside our head#n it shouldn't even be smth that needs sayin cause it's puttin the bar so fucking low but#he's also just. better than whoever it was. cause he'd never put his hands on a fucking kid. it's the only hard line he draws for himself#or i mean it doesn't even need drawin he's disgusted by just the thought. the way y'know any normal decent person would be#n i know it rly fucks w/ him that he's introjected stuff from someone like that#he just tries to ignore it n leans into the source stuff instead#so w/ the way i feel scared right now....he feels like someone safe. i know he's not rly but.#it's.....the attention. the approval. the doin what i feel i should be doin but for him instead of the person who hurt us irl#my head hurts#i think maybe for tonight he'll protect me. cause he doesn't wanna be compared to that person ever. so i think he wouldn't do anything rn#it's probably not a smart idea cause it'll still mess w/ my head trick me into thinkin i can trust him but...everything's too fucking much#n i feel like i need to make sure i'm right about him. that just knowing who's role he'd be playin will make him not wanna do anything#i need to know#spdrvent
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