#neither of them officially broke it off i guess?? what do u do when ur fiancé just disappears...

[over--heaven]

hand in marriage?

source

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[lentils-writes]

Day 12: Arranged marriage AU with this prompt that I found: 

okay but like two friends getting married for cheaper tution like hah we are geniuses this is a fool proof plan and we are completely platonic everything is fine haha i didnt just notice how beautiful your eyes are and how soft your hair feels LOVING THIS CHEAPER TUITION EVERYTHING IS FINE

(I am SO SORRY this is late I got very carried away I like pining ok)

Kara checks her phone on the bus home and, of course, there’s a text from Melinda. That’s not weird; they text each other every day. What is weird is that it’s just a link to an article and the headline is “Get Married, Save Thousands on Tuition.”

Kara opens the article, skims it, and then replies.

??? what do u mean by this article???

I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.

it’s rly not

explain pls

Well, we both got into U of C, right?

yeah...

But I’m a California resident and you’re not. You’ll gonna be paying an extra twenty grand since you’re out-of-state. If we get legally married, you’ll count as a resident.

Kara feels her face getting hot and glances around to make sure no one is looking at her.

UM

what r u saying

It wouldn’t be a real marriage, calm down. Just so we get tax breaks and lower tuition. I think we could even qualify for the family housing if we’re lucky. It’s way cheaper than the dorms.

wow ur moving kinda fast there

we haven’t even gone on a real date :P

Hey, I took you to see Jupiter Ascending when you were here during winter break last year!

i don’t think that counts

we got kicked out

YOU got us kicked out for laughing too loud!

Anyway, sorry if this is weird. We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought it might be funny.

it is pretty funny

i gotta think about it tho

No worries. Practice starting, bye

Kara stares at her phone for a long moment, thinking. It’s not that she cares that much about marriage or thinks of it as this super important sacred symbol of love or anything. It’s something she’s thought a little more about since New Mexico legalized it when she was a freshman, and then again since the Supreme Court decision last year, but she’s in high school. The idea of falling in love and getting married is so far from her reality that she almost can’t imagine it.

Plus, it’s Melinda. Melinda is the most important person in her life - ever since they met three years ago on Tumblr, Kara’s spent hours talking to Melinda, becoming closer to her than she’s ever been to anyone else. She has friends at school (Alex, Sara, Zoe), but she’s always felt weirdly alienated from the rest of her classmates. Melinda likes to listen to her talk about Greek mythology and weapons history and all the other weird shit that most people find confusing or just too weird. Melinda makes her feel normal. So maybe marrying her best friend for a few years, and then divorcing a few years later, wouldn’t be the worst thing. Especially if the benefits are really that good.

---

Kara’s mom is weirdly supportive. “I know you and Melinda are close,” she says. “And you’re eighteen, I can’t stop you. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Be careful not to take it too seriously, okay?”

Kara hugs her mom and rolls her eyes. “I won’t, Mom,” she says. “We probably won’t even sleep in the same bed or anything.”

When she Skypes Melinda to accept her “proposal,” Melinda smirks. “I told my parents. Dad thinks it’s weird, but he likes the idea of not having to file my taxes for me. Mom lectured me for half an hour in Mandarin about and then said, ‘At least you’ll have someone to look after you, keep you out of trouble.’”

Kara giggles. “Tell her I’ll try?”

“Please. I’m the one that keeps you out of trouble,” teases Melinda. “So, I guess now we’d better figure out how courthouse weddings work. Can you come a couple days early so we can do the ceremony?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Kara nods. “We haven’t booked plane tickets or anything yet. I haven’t even really started packing.”

“Oh, and we should probably get rings. Doesn’t have to be fancy ones, just to keep up the facade. You might even be able to find something at Claire’s.”

“Yeah, I can do that. Can I stay at your place the extra couple days?”

“I’ll have to ask my parents, but probably that’s fine. They like you. As much as they like anyone, I mean.” Melinda chuckles. “I think you being a girl is helping. Mom’s never been that weird about my girlfriends, but I’m pretty sure she thinks it doesn’t really count unless I’m with a guy.”

Kara snorts and rolls her eyes. “Well, either way, it’s only four years. Then you can go off and marry a nice doctor or whatever they want you to do.”

“No, not a doctor. A lawyer. Not that I’m planning on marrying either one. Maybe not at all. You might be it.”

Kara mock-flinches. “So much pressure! I could sour you on the concept of marriage forever.”

“You could,” teases Melinda. “Okay, I have an essay to write for AP history. Later.”

“Bye,” says Kara, signing off. She has homework too, but instead of working on it she finds herself opening a new tab and going to Target’s jewelry section. Just for laughs, of course.

(The one she ends up picking out, and taking the bus to get the next day, is silver and has two curving lines that cross over each other, with a line of clear gems set into one of the lines. It sort of reminds Kara of an infinity symbol - ironic, but it’s fifteen dollars and won’t look too cheap.)

---

Neither Kara nor Melinda opt to wear white dresses to the courthouse. Melinda because Kara’s pretty sure she doesn’t own a single dress, and Kara because she doesn’t own anything white. She wears her favorite red summer dress and a sapphire necklace her mom insisted she take. Melinda wears a button-up shirt and her nice leather jacket. Kara’s starting to feel like maybe the necklace is too much, but Melinda smiles at her and says, “It brings out your eyes.” Kara says thank you and then laughs, and she’s not sure why.

They mostly spend the time waiting to be called in for the ceremony teasing each other about who’s going to do what. “I don’t bake,” Kara says, “so forget about coming home to fresh-baked cookies.”

“You should make us that pasta salad your mom gave you the recipe for, though,” Melinda says. “That sounds amazing.”

“If you rub my shoulders after dinner?”

“Deal.”

The officiant seems to take their giggly familiarity for actual romantic affection, and the ceremony takes only a few minutes. Kara expects it to feel more important than it does, but before she knows it Melinda is slipping the ring on her finger and pulling her in for a quick kiss at the end of the vows. It’s over before Kara can really absorb it’s happening.

They hold hands out of the courthouse, and Melinda grins over at her. “So,” she says. “How’s it feel?”

Kara shrugs, grinning back. “Totally normal.”

“Good,” Melinda says. “I guess maybe we should’ve practiced kissing first, but he didn’t seem suspicious.”

Kara shrugs. “I dunno. I think it was fine.” She hasn’t been kissed in a long time, not since early junior year when she and Beth broke up. She just hasn’t really had time to worry about finding anybody else.

They go get ice cream and shoot each other secret smiles. Kara eats a chunk of her coffee ice cream and stares at the little silver ring on her finger. It’ll take some getting used to.

---

They get a tiny one-bedroom apartment in the family housing complex, which is way nicer than the dorms even if it doesn’t come with furniture. Melinda’s parents help them buy a cheap bed frame and mattress. “Having only one bed saves money,” Lian May says, when May tries to protest. “And there won’t be enough room for two in this tiny place.”

Melinda makes a face at Kara behind her mother’s back, but Kara just shrugs. It’s not like she hasn’t slept in the same bed as other girls before. It’s no big deal.

There’s a ton of orientation activities for them to go to, but they end up skipping out halfway through and going home to order a pizza and watch Netflix. “I guess we could’ve said we were gonna go Netflix and chill,” teases Kara.

Melinda rolls her eyes and bumps her shoulder. “Dork.”

Kara gets a job in the admissions office, and Melinda ends up working at the on-campus gym. Classes start, and they fall into a routine. They switch off cooking every other night, except if someone has a group meeting or evening lecture and then there are usually leftovers in the fridge. They get invited to a few parties and wave at their neighbors and get pretty good at the whole acting-married thing. Kara finds that the story of how they met doesn’t actually need that much editing; people seem to find it adorable. She meets Bobbi in her intro to human biology class, who tells her about the on-campus LGBT+ society (which, apparently, had had a booth at the clubs fair that they skipped) and gives her her number to hang out later. (Kara tries not to laugh out loud; go figure the only time another queer girl’s ever given her her number, it’s in a totally platonic context.)

And then, a month and a half into the school year, Kara has to consider that she might be falling in love with her “wife.”

Or at least she definitely wants to bone her. She figures that out one night when Melinda’s taking a bath and Kara barges into the bathroom to pee (nothing new, they’ve been doing that since the first week here) and notices, holy shit, Melinda has incredible boobs.

Melinda is reading and, when she notices Kara staring, she looks at her, puzzled. “What?”

“Uh,” says Kara, quickly looking away. “Nothing. Just wondering what you were reading.”

“Just a book for European History. You alright? You seem nervous.”

“I’m fine!” Kara says, too abrupt.

(She ends up having some confusing sexy dreams that night, and luckily Melinda has an early class the next morning and she doesn’t. Once Melinda leaves, she gets herself off quickly and hopes maybe that will be the end of it. Maybe it was just her body needing an orgasm.)

(It wasn’t.)

After that, she starts noticing other things: how shiny Melinda’s hair is in the sunlight, how satisfying it is to make her laugh or smile, how strong her hands are. About a week and a half after the bath incident, Melinda offers to give her a shoulder rub and Kara’s heart starts beating so fast she’s sure Melinda can hear it. But she just nods, and it turns out Melinda’s hands are amazingly strong. Kara probably makes some embarrassing noises, but Melinda doesn’t say anything about it, just smirks and says, “Glad you’re enjoying it.”

“I’m just really tense,” mutters Kara, blushing.

“Hey, I get it. My algebra prof is being a pain in the ass and assigning a ton of homework.” Melinda smiles sympathetically at her. “Anytime you need another one lemme know, okay?”

“Th-thanks,” says Kara. “I can try to do it for you too?”

Melinda shrugs. “Sure.” She shucks off her shirt and turns her back to Kara. “You ever done this before?”

“A couple times,” says Kara, “but I don’t think my hands are as strong as yours.” She starts kneading May’s shoulder muscles anyway.

“Mm, this is fine,” hums Melinda. “Thank you.”

Kara tries really hard to do a good job, and also not to notice how soft Melinda’s skin is.

---

Finally she can’t take it anymore and texts Bobbi to meet up with her for lunch. Bobbi’s probably her closest friend on campus (besides Melinda), she can trust her with her secret.

“Hey,” Bobbi says when she arrives at Teriyaki Madness, setting down her styrofoam container full of food and sitting across from Kara. “What’s up?”

Kara purses her lips and then finally says, “It’s kind of a long story, but it has to do with me and Melinda.”

“You’re not really a couple, are you?” Bobbi asks.

Kara’s so startled all she can do is squeak, “Um.”

“Dude, I figured out you guys were faking it like the third time we all hung out together. You guys are obviously super close, but when you hold hands or hug or kiss you’re so awkward. Like, I’ve had friends that were in LDRs and when they were together you couldn’t pry them apart. Not you guys.” Bobbi raises an eyebrow. “I mean, I’m guessing you got married for tuition, right? Mad props. My last ex wanted to do that but I knew we’d end up divorced in six months.”

Kara puts her face in her hands and groans. “Is it that obvious?”

“I mean, I dunno. I’m pretty perceptive. I think probably most people aren’t thinking that much about it. But anyway, what did you wanna talk to me about? You guys okay other than, y’know, not actually being a couple?”

“Um,” says Kara. “Well.” She stares at her soda, unsure of how to say I wanna have sex with my best friend-slash-wife and also I might be falling in love with her?

Bobbi looks at her for a second. “You’re not like, in trouble, are you?”

“No, no! I mean. I’m okay, I just…” Kara swallows and then mutters “ImightbeintoherIthinkmaybe.”

At that, Bobbi laughs, then slaps a hand over her mouth. “Jeez, sorry, that was mean,” she says, but she’s still grinning. “So you, what, figured out you like her now?”

“I guess,” says Kara, eating a piece of chicken. “She’s...we’ve been best friends for three years, she’s the person I know best in the world. Maybe I should’ve seen this coming.”

Bobbi shrugs and replies, “Hey, just ‘cause you’re close with someone doesn’t mean you’re gonna wanna bone them. Izzy and I practically grew up together and I can’t imagine being into her, she’s like my sister. If I had a really hot sister, I guess. But I’m not interested in her that way. Anyway. What are you gonna do about it?”

“I don’t know!” says Kara. “What am I supposed to do? ‘Hey, best friend who I’m legally married to, I’m thinking maybe I actually wanna date you and not just pretend, how do you feel about that?’ That’s so weird.” She sighs. “This is stupid.”

Shaking her head, Bobbi says, “It’s not. You really just need to talk to her about it. I know it’s gonna be weird, but if she’s not into you too, then you guys can talk about you like, dating other people. Or you can come over and I’ll buy you a shitton of ice cream and we’ll watch dumb movies. Whatever you need.”

“Or I could just never say anything,” Kara says. But she makes a face and nods. “Thanks for listening.”

“Hey, no worries.” Bobbi pauses and then adds, “Listen, if she’s not down for whatever, I’m also available for a friends-with-benefits thing, if you want.” She gives Kara an exaggerated wink.

Kara snorts. “I’ll think about it.”

---

It takes Kara a week to figure out what she wants to say, and then another week to figure out the right time to say it, which means that once she’s finally gotten up the guts it’s midterms week and she and Melinda are so busy they barely see each other. Then after midterms she waits a week or two just to be sure, and then it’s the week before Thanksgiving and it would just be weird to make things weird before Thanksgiving, so she waits some more. (She ends up going home with Melinda and meeting many members of her extended family. To them, she’s just Melinda’s roommate, which is okay. It’s kind of nice to not have to pretend.)

And then it’s the holiday season.

Bobbi’s taken it upon herself to badger Kara about talking to Melinda give-or-take once a week, and by this point she’s just texting stuff like DONE YET? in all-caps. You have to tell her sometime!!!! Bobbi writes. You can’t just NOT!!!!!

u wanna bet

You’re going to die of blue balls or something!

i don’t think that’s possible, bob

and i don’t even have balls

Ok maybe not but seriously, this is ridiculous

Finally, one night they’re watching a movie and Kara blurts out, “I have to talk to you about something.”

Melinda pauses the movie and glances over at her. “What’s up? You okay?”

“Yes. No. I mean-” Kara sighs. “It’s embarrassing.”

Melinda looks even more confused. “What do you mean?”

Kara bites her lip. “I...I like you.”

“Oh.” Melinda just looks at her for a moment.

Kara’s starting to get progressively more anxious and angry with herself when Melinda adds, “Well, good, ‘cause I was trying to figure out how to tell you that I’m into you. It seemed like a bad romance novel cliche.”

Kara laughs, maybe a little hysterically. “Wait, how long have you been…?”

Melinda coughs. “This whole plan may or may not have been my way of trying to tell you.”

“Mel, oh my god! It’s been months! Why didn’t you-”

“Same reason you didn’t,” Melinda says, nudging her with her shoulder. “Too chickenshit to say something.”

“Shit,” says Kara, putting her face in her hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know - I’ve been stressing since like before Halloween about this! I told Bobbi and she’s been bugging me to tell you!”

“Oh, Bobbi knows?” Melinda snorts. “Great. So we’ll never hear the end of that.”

“Well, I usually tell you about this stuff, but I couldn’t! Oh my god.” Kara laughs again. “So I guess...now we get to figure out how to date for real?”

“I guess,” Melinda says. “You wanna make out for real?”

“Oh my god, yes.”

(Bobbi never does let them live it down. And they don’t get divorced after the four years are up.)

[surveymeupmate]

Survey w/ ella

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? e- no. not yet. no, dont put that 

k- defo not 

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? e- idk

k- in some ways 

Do you like someone? e- yes 

k- sadly

Is a best friend pissing you off right now? e- no, i luv em

k- no

Are you happier now or three months ago? e- probably now but only a tiny bit more 

k- defo three months ago lmao 

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? e- saw jack, it was good, it was nice 

k- ...

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? e- never

k- dead

Are you waiting for something? e- probably yeh

k- exams to be finished 

If you could change your eye color would you? e- nah i dont suit any others 

k- the ones that are like two colours or a brighter green 

What was the weather like today? e- shit

k- the usual 

Do you think you’ll be married in ten years? e- fuck knows 

k- hopefully not

Does your ex still love/like you? e- no

k- hahahahahahahahahah

Are you stubborn? e- yes 

k- depends

Do you tend to hold a grudge? e- depends, i can do 

k- depends 

Where were you at 9am this morning? e- in bed, not my bed but a bed 

k- same but my bed 

How has the week been? e- good? yeh, good.  a bad start but finished off great 

k- a rollercoaster 

Did you go out or stay in last night? e- went out, well i stayed in but not in mine

k- both

Something you do a lot? e- complain 

k- overthink

How many states have you lived in? e- 0

k- none

Can you commit to one person? e- yeh

k- not at the moment 

Who was the last person to hold your hand? e- jack 

k- tom :////

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? e- depends, like i dont have a specific 3 strikes and ur out 

k- same

Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in 10 years? e- i hope so

k- same 

What do you miss most about your ex? e- nothing cos we’re besties 

k- im not getting into this rn 

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? e- yeh

k- nope 

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? e- he loves oasis n he’s cute 

k- hes a dick

Something you really want right now? e-  *sexual thoughts* 

k- emotional stability 

e- yeah that would be nice as well

How long have you liked the person you like? e- a month but ive mega liked him for the past few weeks 

k- proper liked him since the 6th of may

Does any part of your body hurt right now? e- my side a tiny bit but not rly... actually i have a headache now i think about it

k- my throat 

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? e- yeh i think everyone saw me 

k- no 

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? e- yeh now 

k- same 

Are you happy with the way things are going? e- some of them 

k- not at all i want to die™

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? e- maybe 

k- hopefully not 

What plans do you have for tomorrow? e- dying and also being dead

k- same 

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn’t? e- *shakes head*

k- idk man 

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? e- urm no

k- not my all but a bit

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? e- yeh only a few times, many times

k- yeah 

Do you and your last ex hate each other? e- no

k- no but we should 

When was the last time you were sick? e- like a week ago

k- maybe soon 

Are you one of those people who are always cold? e- no

k- yes 

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?

e-  probably

k- yes

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

e- nooooo? 

k- yes 

When was the last time you got a haircut? e- a month or two ago

k- a while ago

Did you sing at all today? e- yeh 

k- yeh 

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? e- the weather cos i dont drive 

k- same 

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? e- noo?

k- i think i might ?

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? e- typing, but it has to be a laptop

k- texting

If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? e- give it away 

k- depends

In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? e- fuck knows 

k- emotions are not real, simply chemicals to help us survive 

Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? e- neither, im not arsed 

k- idk man 

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? e- skinny

k- same 

Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? e- i want to say break dancer because they are cooler but being a ballerina is peng so in conclusion neither 

k- break dancer 

When it comes to Baseball would you rather be on the field or in the stands? e- in the stands

k- i rly dont give a shit about baseball tbh

I’ve got to know, who do you prefer: Mario or Luigi? e- Luigi, no mario, actually neither *goes on the name all the characters in the franchise*

k- idk man 

Have you ever changed clothes in a public area (not a dressing room)? e- probaly, yeh like on the beach 

k- yeh 

How many months apart is your birthday from your best friends? e- 4 and 1 

k- 4 

Yes or no: Techno music?

e- neither can it depends 

k- idk 

Yes or no: pigtails?

e- sometimes 

k- sure

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? e- do they?

k- a lot of things 

Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? e- well yeh

k- yeh

Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? e- no 

k- i dont think so 

If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? e- i could but id get sick of the paparazzi 

k- maybe idk 

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a letter P? e- no

k- i dont think so 

Did you talk to one of your best friends today? What did you talk about? e- yeh loads 

k- shes legit in front of me rn 

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? e- funny

k- depends how im feeling but funny most of the time 

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? e- yeh but i have them all the time 

k- maybe idk 

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? e- yeh

k- yeh 

How old is your oldest cousin? e- i am the oldest cousin so 17 

k- idk late 20s 

What if you saw your best friend holding hands with your ex? e- id be like katie why are you holding ur own hand lol 

k- i dont think she would tbh

Your last relationship, who dumped who? e- katie dumped me what a dickhead, wait we never actually broke up, katie im breaking up with u 

k- it was mutual, kind of 

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? e- 16

k- 14 i think.

Is your home town nice? e- no, not the town center anyways, its a mess

k- its better than some places i guess 

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? e- it would be fun ;)

k- idk man, it would be chill 

When/where did your last hug take place? e- in toms brothers bed this morning, more of a cuddle than a hug 

k- in toms doorway last night 

Do you consider yourself mature enough to make your own decisions? e- yeh

k-obvs 

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? e- yeh, i know my mums entire life 

k- a little bit

You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? e- dunno katie but obvs not rn 

k- ella probs 

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? e- yeh

k- yeh 

Do you think someone has feelings for you? Are these feelings returned? e- yes and yes 

k- yes and no

What if the last person you texted were to ask you out? e- idk what this phrase means 

k- i would b like ella what about jack 

Do you believe in love at first sight? Explain. e- no

k- no

Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? If so, where? And why would you prefer to be there? e- no

k- asleep  cos i love sleep but im happy chilling atm 

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? e- can do 

k- a lil bit

Can you remember what you dreamt about last night? e- no

k- i think it was something to do w/ shit that is stressing me out but i cant remember that well

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

OK!!! saint-loup. it is saint-loup o’clock. i do not have these thoughts well formulated so this might get kinda long n messy but i promised myself i’d Talk This Out w/ myself on this reading, so. icee straw kazoo.

ok so saint-loup is the narrator’s friend tho like... to the extent this term is applicable in friendships m’s kinda The Unrequiter, often exhibits w/out expressly saying that he feels kinda guilty for Using Him or at least for like. not being able to match the energy saint-loup brings to the relationship. in fact the main thing he consistently notices in saint-loup is energy, strength. but also solicitude! which combination to me seems weird? i’m fond of saint-loup but he makes me uncomfortable, i think bc while, on one hand, his slightly sophomoric intellectualism and nervous quickness and tendency to be officiously solicitous*--which 3 traits m associates w/ saint-loup’s ability to assimilate quickly (3.98, 153)--all remind me of me, and also of many people i’ve known, but then...? on the other hand, i have never seen those traits (esp. solicitude) in a strong person; saint-loup is passive-aggressive and i have only ever observed that demeanor in weak people--most of them sick, bats and/or non-men; certainly not in a straight-passing man (as saint-loup does at this time) if he’s also healthysane--since passive-aggression is so. roundabout, and mind-over-matter &c. like. all the things i have in common w/ saint-loup are traits i’ve developed because i’m not a man, not straight, not neurotypical, not strong, u know? and certainly these traits are ones people like me are supposed to dislike in ourselves, but i find that recognizing them in someone usually makes me more comfortable around them, because... well, you know. because the ways in which we’d be likely to hurt each other are basically the same?

meanwhile early in volume 3 you get this scene where saint-loup introduces m to a bunch of his friends, all adorably over-eager to Show Off m’s intellect, make sure he makes a good impression, and

“No? You don’t agree about Stendhal?” he went on, with a naïve confidence in my judgment which found expression in a charming, smiling, almost childish glance of interrogation from his green eyes. “Oh, good! I see you’re on my side. ... The Chartreuse is after all a stunning work, don’t you think? I’m so glad you agree with me. What is it you like best in the Chartreuse? Answer me,” he urged with boyish impetuosity. And the menace of his physical strength made the question almost terrifying. (136)

N.B. THO that here and elsewhere m fuckin glories in that strength. here, for example:

My departure depressed me less when I was no longer obliged to think of it alone, when I felt that the more normal and healthy exertions of my energetic friends, of Robert’s brothers-in-arms, were being applied to what was to be done (179)

but also, before we even GET to rachel:

“I’m furiously jealous,” Saint-Loup said to me, half laughing, half in earnest, alluding to the interminable conversations apart which I had been having with his friend. “Is it because you find him more intelligent than me? Do you like him better than me? Ah, well, I suppose he’s everything now, and no one else is to have a look in!” (Men who are enormously in love with a woman, who live in a society of woman-lovers, allow themselves pleasantries which others, seeing less innocence in them, would never dare to contemplate.) (153)

idk, like. i’ve had multiple people talk that way to me? but i possess what almost seems like an “only we can say it” sentiment about it--only people who don’t pass for straight men, maybe, or only weak people, neurotics. and saint-loup has that entire demeanor he seems to think he’s entitled to it as an intellectual or maybe just picks it up from m and rachel but it’s weird on people whose intellectualism does not compensate for frailty of body and/or “willpower,” idk. he does the fuckin... what do i mean, um. OH!--i associate his flirtatious self-deprecation w/ the thing women do in victorian books and in old movies; the thing lizaveta nikolaevna does in demons when she asks what’s his face whether he’d still wanna hang if she broke her leg. and possibly i’m wrong to see saint-loup’s comments as the outpost of a similar thing? but

“You know,” I said, “I did come to say good-bye to you the day I left Doncières. I’ve never had a chance to mention it. I waved to you in the street.”

“Don’t speak about it,” he replied, “I was so sorry. I passed you just outside the barracks, but I couldn’t stop because I was late already. I assure you I felt quite wretched about it.” (233)

haha yeah no i don’t think i’m wrong. so maybe it’s like the last few days’ irritation at hearing my mom employ the detached, bodily-self-contemptuous infodump tone i often use irl to talk about My Limitations--sitting like i do then, w/ that buzzardy hunch as though to tell a secret, and w/ the same aporetic expression--without having also to euphemize, circumlocute, pause and screw up her face and twist her wrist around for long intervals, blushing, trying to think of a less self-flattering [vulnerable] word for what she means, like i would in that situation. but i think it’s... also that i’m uncomfortable on m’s and rachel’s behalf? that in order not to intimidate or seem to condescend he adopts a piece of their demeanor that makes him look harmless. because like. another way in which saint-loup attempts to Regain His Dignity (or at least vent frustration) during his fight w/ rachel is that when the journalist w/ the cigar refuses to put it out, um,

“Would you mind, sir, throwing away your cigar? The smoke is bad for my friend.” [...]

“There’s no rule against smoking that I know of,” said the journalist. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” [...]

“In any case, sir, you are not very civil,” observed Saint-Loup to the journalist, still in a mild and courteous tone, with the air of appraisal of a man judging retrospectively the rights and wrongs of an incident that is already closed. (239-40)

and see THIS IS ME this is exactly how i act when i’m angry at someone in public (incl. or maybe esp. if that someone is myself ha), fuckin carrying on another conversation in the background as proof ur Still Sane, BUT THEN

[A]fter the courteous words that he had just uttered, he brought down his hand with a resounding smack upon the journalist’s cheek. (240)

AND LIKE?? i don’t think this would creep me out nearly so much if the pretext (tho obv not the reason) for it weren’t. an ableist comment. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” but i’ve more than once gotten angry w/ someone, chewed someone out, for saying something ableist to my friend (tho in the case that comes to mind the comment could be applied to me as well), and in my experience that kind of vicarious anger is?? because you know your friend’s upset about it but don’t know what to say to help them, so you resent the perp for showing you your own impotence, for distracting your and your friend’s attention from more important things w/ their needless judgmental bs. and THAT makes sense here? but without those other layers--of 1. “this insult implicates me also” and 2. “you have upset my friend and therefore obliged me to Avenge them since i don’t know how to make them feel better”--it’s... weird. it’s just so Not His Fight i guess, and. i’ve actually written a similar scene, too? in which case some of the interest was in like... the assumption by stronger people that we’ll be flattered to see them use their greater strength in defense of Our Honor, when. no, saint-loup; that’s a nonsensical n paternalistic pretext to vent ur own unrelated anger? m neither needs nor wants a healthy person to punish ableists’ contempt of his ill health? and in fact it’s embarrassing in the first place when ppl respond to our not making a fuss by making the fuss for us?? blugh! i don’t know. i can point out so many gross things about this but still am not satisfied i have identified The Thing About It that makes me so uncomfortable; maybe it’s just because at the same time i do understand both m’s fetishistic admiration of saint-loup’s strength and aristocratic solicitude and saint-loup’s paternalism itself. i’ve been on both sides, tho without the... punching. thing, ha. on that note:

Now that to the measured conversations of the diplomats, to the smiling arts of peace, had succeeded the furious onthrust of war, since blows lead to blows, I should not have been surprised to see the combatants wading in one another’s blood. ... Fortunately the journalist who, staggering back from the violence of the blow, had turned pale and hesitated for a moment, did not retaliate. (240-1)

M OH MY GOD ur purely academic understanding of How Fights Work! sees a guy 2 whose general opinion on violence he defers punch someone n is just like “well, shit, this is it, we’re all gonna die” fdlahgsdf ur......my favorite, and also, same, but possibly this is a mistake we both oughta quit making. Fuckin Liberals &c. &c.

*appropriate since he’s a sergeant!! but what i mean is e.g. when rachel (his gf w/ whom he needs to break up) makes him feel small in public saint-loup will then try to get back some dignity by turning to m like “You oughtn’t to stand about in the cigar smoke like that, it’ll make you ill” (3.237). it’s like what i said yesterday about my own solicitude--that it’s about liking to feel useful, liking for there to be a subject on which you know what to say. but it’s jarring to me to see this sense of return to familiar ground detached from same-feeling--to see the “useless person’s dream come true” phenomenon in a situation where saint-loup has no obvious reason to consider himself an expert other than his general aristocratic + busybodyish(!!!) tendency to anticipate people’s interests, to want to Know Everything about his friends.