#no i havent finished the first draft yet. but ive been looking at other peoples querying letters and trying to figure out

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[crafiet]

1-50 of the writer’s ask thing, go!

BITCH UR RUDE AF

The Basics1.     Do you listen to music when you write?mostly yeah but it depends on my mood2.     Are you a pantser or plotter?both, i was a complete pantser up until recently but ive been trying to outline big scenes so i know where im going3.     Computer or pen and paper?computer for drafting. pen and paper for outlining/planning4.     Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?not published, dont wanna be5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?none but yesterday i wrote 2k /shrug6.     Single or multiple POV?usually single but ive been trying multiple!! its hard!!! idk what voice is!!7.     Standalone or series?ugh again mostly standalone, but ive been dabbling in series8.     Oldest WIPmy spies one which went though a fantasy and scifi phase and was originally dystopian9.     Current WIPmy mages! i have no titles bc who10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?nup

The Specifics11.  Books and/or authors who influenced you the mostuhhhh to be fair im v easily influenced so if i read a book and really like it i subconsciously try to implement that style of writing or try out that genre in my own work12.  Describe your perfect writing spacea desktop next to a big open window where i can play music without headphones13.  Describe your writing process from idea to polisheduhhhh i dont have a finished wip yet so idk lol usually: idea→ characters→ plot→ spur of the moment 10k word vomit→ more planning, outlining→ more words→ repeat planning and drafting until finished14.  How do you deal with self-doubts?i just take a break, read some bad books, read some good books, look at writing tumblrs and just marinate for a bit before going back in15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?i perpetually have it and since i dont have deadlines or a publishing contract i just ride it out, writing is strictly a hobby for me16.  How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with a project?i edit as i go, im onto draft 2 of my mages but its technically a rewrite bc i changed most of the plot17.  What writing habits or rituals do you have?i have none atm, but i usually pick a time where i know i wont be disturbed/distracted so usually at night18.  If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?idw collab sdkksdlkbnsd die19.  How do you keep yourself motivated?i just really really like my worlds lol conceited 20.  How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?i have!!! 5?

The Favourites21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?oh mannngggg i like all my protagonists, ary is the easiest bc shes the one i work with the most, but its super entertaining to be in remy’s head, and i like calyp’s bc hers is so different AAHH22.  Who is/are your favourite pairing(s) to write?remy and seth orrr red and kieran. if im answering this correctly? or do u mean types of pairings lol idk23.  Favourite authorhummm idk every author i really like have books i dont like so i cant say24.  Favourite genre to write and readfantasy25.  Favourite part of writingworldbuilding *.*26.  Favourite writing programgoogle docs. it would be word but im too poor to buy it lol27.  Favourite line/sceneidk if this is my favourite but“I am at least trying to be civil.”“I am being civil. You want me to yell at you? Turn into a wolf and fight it out like you’d want?”Kieran closed the file and stood. “I don’t—rem—”“Remember.”“I don’t remember you being so—” He searched for a word, but gave up and growled instead. Red got the idea.“Angry? Callous? I ought to reteach you the English language.”“I know how to speak,” Kieran blurted. “Remember, I spent twenty-four years a full human.”“And look how fast that’s disappeared.”28.  Favourite side characterwhat are side characters lol ENSEMBLE CASTS29.  Favourite villainossssshhhh probably michael bc i love him30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yetive started on all my wips im one of those bastards who can multitask

The Dark31.  Least favourite part of writingactually drafting lmao32.  Most difficult character to writeprobably christine bc shes meant to be relatable and down to earth and thats boring smh33.  Have you ever killed a main character?yes, not a pov one though34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?probably any scene that requires a lot of research on a topic i know nothing about, like hacking or sword fighting or whatever35.  What scene/story are you least looking forward to writing?bridging scenes suck theyre necessary but they SUCK

The Fun36.  Last sentence you wrote“My plan would go smoother with you involved, but I can find others. Many want his head.”37.  First sentence or your current WIPShe squinted in the harsh light.38.  Weirdest story idea you’ve ever hadugh this girl who could see deaths coming and she worked for the fbi but she was like 15 so she still had to go to highschool lol39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever hadprobably her, only bc i was 13 when i created her and was reading this banshee series but somehow didnt connect??? and didnt realise she was a banshee?? without the screaming40.  Share some backstory for one of your charactersomg all of my characters have purposefully murky backstories bc i find that trope cool af lol. i guess ary has that typical woe-is-me backstory where her parents were killed, she spiraled and got involved with the wrong people and then was betrayed and arrested lol

The Rest of It41.  Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?literally i swear by: trying anything out. fiddle with pov, tense, perspective, genre, character identity, hell take a story you like and try to put your own spin on it. writing as a craft only gets better with practice and my best work is when im going outside of the box/my comfort zone42.  How do you feel about love triangles?is this even a debate anymore, this trope got flamed so hard i havent seen it in ya in years. i dont really care about it43.  What do you do if/when characters don’t follow the outline?good lol my outlines are usually done on the spot and i come up with more creative plots/scenes if i can think on it a bit44.  How much research do you do?i edit as i go so i research as i go. my pre-drafting research extends to saving links on things i might wanna write about and thats it lol. i would say i dont do as much as i should45.  How much world building do you do?a lot lol i LOVE worldbuilding. but i find it hard to incorporate it into my draft naturally so a lot of minute details get cut 46.  Do you reread your own stories?all the time lol i forget what i wrote half the time47.  Best way to procrastinatetwitter–OR if u wanna seem “productive”, writing blogs are a good way to get distracted48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?bitch there was a time where i only wrote self insert characters lol49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?im too lame to hang out with any of my characters. they would be nice to me but i wouldnt get to know them like how i know them from an author perspective50.  [Other question—ask me anything]u didnt ho